Uncanny X-Men #502 - Summary Thread (Spoilers and Sexual Themes!)

[worstblogever]

Uncanny X-Men #502

Karma's been used for bait for the Hellfire Cult, who are running throughout San Fran brutally assaulting any mutants they can find, fueled by Empath. Once Nightcrawler teleports in with Wolverine to help her fend off her attackers, she points out how their masks make them immune to psionics somehow. Nightcrawler suggests she back out of the fight and leave it to them, to be safe. And while Karma is a bit disappointed, since she was having fun beating up one or two herself, she complies (laundry at their base, one can assume).

Cyclops has Emma Frost transmitting his thoughts to Logan and Kurt, and reminds them to bring back a Hellfire Cult goon alive. Kurt finds this odd, as the X-Men aren't killers, but Wolverine plays dumb (since Kurt doesn't know what he and X-Force do on weekends...) about Cyke's comment. Kurt teleports out of the line of fire of a bullet, and behind the gunman, putting him in a chokehold and making him pass out. Logan does the same on another Cult member, and suddenly, there's only one left.

One very frightened guy, who pees his pants in terror. And his night's far from over.

Meanwhile... Megan Gwynn, aka Pixie, is laid up in bed, nursing her injuries from the massive beatdown she got last ish. And don't be fooled by what her facial expressions looked like while it happened, she totally didn't enjoy it.

Beast, realizing his patient is still a bit shaken, comes in with a tray of coffee (HANK! NO! Don't give this girl caffeine! You're only feeding her Red Bull/energy drink addiction!) Hank brought some company...

And that's when the long, dry spell, the agony of anticipation ends for the fans of the Goddess of DivaSparkles... She's back! It's...

Dazzler!!!! *fierce!*



Wow. Is Pixie like the Make-A-Wish kid dying of cancer of the X-team, or what? Ilyana Rasputin was dying of the Legacy Virus, and she never got treatment like this.

Anyway... a particularly busty Dazzler (seriously, whoever she's traced off of has some disproportionate implants) introduces herself as Ali, and suddenly, Pixie's up in bed and wide awake. Beast nonchalantly says, "What? I know her. We're old friends. Thought she might cheer you up." Take note, ladies and gents. For Hank McCoy has the hook-up.

Well, Dazzler heard about what happened, and wanted to check and see how Megan is. Pixie's concerned about how she doesn't look her best, but Ali downplays it, and cuts to the chase... she's got some business to discuss with young Pixie! She heard that her wings create some psychotropic dust when she shakes them (Dazzler wants to relive the 70s by snorting a line off of Pixie's wings? NEAT!). But seriously, Dazzler wants Pixie to get all healed up, and then she wants her to come dance for her in her shows, and let her hallucinogenic dust make the shows even trippier. Like a Pink Floyd Laser Light show times a billion kinds of awesome...

Back at Greymalkin Industries, the member of the Hellfire Cult is strpped down to a table (bondage reference #1), confused, and asking where he is. Cyclops tells him, "You're in hell. Hi." And as the cult member is helpless to defend himself, Cyclops sends out Mr. Xiong, who was a mutant acupuncturist in San Francisco, who had his powers taken by the Decimation. He used to be able to create psionic needles that could drain psychic toxins from his patients prior to M-Day. And, now he's working with real needles on the cult member. Why? Karma's a bit of a mind reader, and still present. And she can tell, their prisoner is terrified of needles. Karma leaves the room, amused with herself.

Cyclops explains to the guy who his optic blasts are just concussive force, and starts moving a beam closer to the needles that have already been placed into the guy's face, and as Emma watches from the next room, he starts panicking and spilling his guts about the entire Hellfire Cult operation.

Cyke moves into the next room to discuss the intel with Emma Frost, and he tells her they know where the cult's at, when they're staffed, and the downside... their masks make them immune to psionics. Meaning, Emma will need to be muscle. And, this cues Emma to... well...



Go into diamond form, flex an arm, and grin like an idiot, flaunting the impossibly large breasts on a freakishly small waist.

Cyclops asks a good question... where did a bunch racist thugs get tech like that?

Meanwhile (again with the meanwhiles), in the Greymalkin Industries Garage, Wolverine works on his car while a radio plays Joe Walsh's "Life's Been Good" Just then, Pixie enters, and Wolverine realizes she was planning on sneaking out, and leaving without telling anyone. She tries to change subjects about leaving, by asking him if his car actually works... and Wolverine... shows off for a teen sidekick.

Logan actually does her the favor of giving her a ride all the way to Oakland, where she has a place to stay for awhile. Logan subtlely still tries pointing out that she's running away, and as long as her mutation is that obvious, there's no point in running anywhere. Pixie thanks him for the ride and leaves.

Emma Frost, meanwhile, decides to gather up the strike team to take on the Hellfire Cult, and seeks out Nightcrawler. It seems Kurt's taken the initiative, and built a chapel inside Greymalkin Industries, without asking anyone. He just felt that it could provide members of the team with a place for comfort. (other than all the sex the team's supposedly been having, of course). And, Kurt, for his part, is kind enough to ask Emma if she prays. Her answer?

"These are two hundred dollar Italian cashmere Kiki De Montparnasse stockings, Kurt. I'll only kneel in them if absolutely necessary. Op's up in ten minutes, your holiness."

Speaking of kneeling for somebody... It's time for more bondage imagery! And in a big way!

The Red Queen, in her full dominatrix getup, has that worm (seriously, she calls him worm like six or seven times in this issue.) Empath, on all fours, and she wants him to tell her all about Emma Frost. To get him ready to talk, she even places her stiletto boot on his face. Empath has a story he tells (giving us a flashback of all the Hellions) being taught by Emma how to break the minds of men. But one night, Empath got a bit giddy, and tried to use his powers to peek around in his headmistress' head while she slept. (Holy rohypnol, Batman!) Emma detected him right away, saying, "Manuel, you little maggott (worse than a worm?)" So, instead, she gave him what he wanted. She opened up her mind to him, and forced him inside. And as Empath puts it, "She was ice. She was cold, cruel nothingness. It was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen."




The Red Queen, hearing this, pulls off her gimp mask, and changes her appearance somehow to look just like Emma Frost. and asks if "she looked like this, worm? She felt like this. Let the X-Men come for us, worm. We are ready."?

Well, the X-Men come, bringing Storm, Emma, Kurt, Logan, and Scott, while Beast works the Sage/Tessa position (on the horn). And in fact, they have the SFPD on their side, sealing up all the exits.

After they start pwning the Hellfire Cult in about two seconds, Empath realizes he's got to flee, and the Red Queen, still looking like Emma, leaves him to Logan's mercies without being detected.

Empath uses his powers to cripple Logan with... fear? I think? He's apparently stronger, and Nightcrawler tries to follow, but meets with the same fate, and confirms, Manny is stronger.

Wait, if he was stronger, why didn't he just make Kurt and Logan start having sex for three days like he did to Sharon Friedlander and Tom Corsi years ago? Hmm...

Well, before Cyclops can do anything about it, Empath escapes down his super-duper secret path, into a tunnel that isn't on any of the city maps Beast is using for reference. And before Dr. McCoy can warn the SFPD so they can prepare for this new escape route, Empath bursts out onto the street on a motorcycle to make his getaway...

Meanwhile (enough with the meanwhiles!) Pixie's talking to a grody, dreadlocked dude she knows in Oakland, and tells him, no, thank you very much, I don't want to go with you with Berkeley. I want to borrow your bike, and head home to the X-peeps. Because I made a mistake. And thus, our issue ends with Pixie riding a Vespa, with helmet and goggles, heading back to San Fran.

Nevermind why a chick who can teleport had to hitch a ride with Logan, and then scam a scooter for the trip back. Bah, that would be thinking.

Thoughts:

Like I said, Empath being "more powerful"? Maybe in the Hellfire Cult's numbers, but the hoodoo he pulls on Kurt & Logan is a step back from his worst stuff, in my mind.

Pixie using mundane transportation? A bit unnecessary, but it telegraphs the inevitable high speed motorcycle chase she'll have with Empath on the Vespa next issue.

Sexually charged art with megaboobs that's only appropriate in the S&M scene? The Hellions looking anything like the Hellions?

But, you have the pros of the fake torture scene, Kurt & Logan making a dude pee his pants, Emma's thoughts on religion, Karma having fun screwing with a dude, and Dazzler trying to turn her shows into a big drug trip, while Beast calls in favors. This issue wasn't great, but it's better than Uncanny has been in a few months. 7/10.

[Cayman]

Anti-Karma masks? How convenient.

[worstblogever]

Originally Posted by Cayman

Anti-Karma masks? How convenient.

And they double as high gimp fashion, to boot.

[claimtosubclaim]

He brought Megan both caffeine *and* Dazzler? Aw, Hank is such a caring doctor.

[Novaya Havoc]

Dazzler is a helluva drug.

[darknessatnoon]

I wonder if "Mr. Xiong" is an alias for The Examiner?

[worstblogever]

Originally Posted by Novaya Havoc

Dazzler is a helluva drug.

Amen to that.

Originally Posted by darknessatnoon

I wonder if "Mr. Xiong" is an alias for The Examiner?

Keep on dreaming. Storm would've said something about that.

[AcesX1X]

LOL

Dazzler as....

DivaSparkles Drug Lord??

[protogarrett]

Tripping out your audience and making them hallucinate?
I smell a lawsuit.

[darknessatnoon]

Originally Posted by worstblogever

Amen to that.



Keep on dreaming. Storm would've said something about that.

Storm has never met The Examiner. Only Rogue and Gambit have, and Cyclops has not seen fit to invite them into the X-Men.

[eurazn]

Originally Posted by protogarrett

Tripping out your audience and making them hallucinate?
I smell a lawsuit.

Funny, I was smelling a good time and money well spent ...

[Agent_Torpor]

Originally Posted by Novaya Havoc

Dazzler is a helluva drug.

So is the Jonas Brothers.

[Petes Pants]

"Hey. I'm Ali. Hey." (Is this the new Hey girl! Hey!)

"Won't that just be, like, completely awesome?"

And to think I liked Matt Fraction before this.

[Agent_Torpor]

Originally Posted by Petes Pants

"Hey. I'm Ali. Hey." (Is this the new Hey girl! Hey!)

"Won't that just be, like, completely awesome?"

And to think I liked Matt Fraction before this.

Same here. Good lord, this is what happens when you're spread across every damn Marvel title out there.

[mikeb]

What is with the Bullit rippoff? The green 1968 Mustang, driving threw the streets of San Fran?Logan maybe many things, but he's no Steve McQueen!