Book Jacket - - Please, read and comment

[Azrael52]

Kade Truth awakens with amnesia in a strange house sideways of reality. He quickly learns he “died” in a mysterious attack on the Statue of Liberty. Rather than facing the afterlife, he is now able to wield energy powers and fly. Kade joins and befriends Caduceus – eccentric caretaker, magician, and feeder of soup – and Mao F’Yang – an intoxicating girl with the uncanny ability to disappear – in a quest to regain his memories and to discover what other secrets his new life holds.

The malign Dark Monk joins forces with Richard Van Parson – arrogant CEO of VPI – to forward his own hellish agenda under the ruse of a retaliatory war.

If the French government orchestrated the Liberty Island attack, why are our heroes certain of Van Parson’s involvement? What ties does the Dark Monk have with Caduceus; and what designs does he have for Kade?

Liberty is gone, but Truth remains.

[Azrael52]

So, YABSers, this is it. I'm getting ready to finally submit this thing to an agent (well, ok, 77 agents). If you have any suggestions - especially you professional types - I'd be most gracious.

Seriously, I'm nervous, but it's a really good type of nervous. I'm ready to rock and roll. (Just gotta refill my meds!).

Thanks,
Ray

[sk716]

I demand more poll options!!!

Like:

Who are you?

It's not a comedy?!?

No, really, who are you?

Is Monkey Boy painted blue as a plot device?

Weren't you supposed to send me a copy of that to read months ago?

[Azrael52]

PM me your email address, and I can send it to you this weekend.

And, while there's a lot of sarcastic, self-depreciating remarks made by the protagonist, he never once resorts to showing Monkey Boy's ass in a ferry costume. (Guess Lester's not reading it).

Ray

[Corrina]

The first paragraph is a very good summary. The rest, no.

*********************
The malign Dark Monk joins forces with Richard Van Parson – arrogant CEO of VPI – to forward his own hellish agenda under the ruse of a retaliatory war.

If the French government orchestrated the Liberty Island attack, why are our heroes certain of Van Parson’s involvement? What ties does the Dark Monk have with Caduceus; and what designs does he have for Kade?
***************

This confuses the issue. Keep is simple and clear, as you did in the first paragraph. Though I do like the tagline a lot. Did the Statue get destroyed? The tagline suggests that and the bit with the mage suggests it was magical attack.

If so, I'd change "in a mysterious attack on the Statue of LIberty" to "in a mystical attack that also destroyed the Statue of Liberty."

And is the book about the quest to regain his memories and discover what other secrets his new life holds, or about opposing the antagonist? Because you could combine that with your excellent summary too.

So:

**********************
Kade Truth awakens with amnesia in a strange house sideways of reality. He quickly learns he “died” in a mystical attack that destroyed the Statue of Liberty. Rather than facing the afterlife, he is now able to wield energy powers and fly. Kade joins and befriends Caduceus – eccentric caretaker, magician, and feeder of soup – and Mao F’Yang – an intoxicating girl with the uncanny ability to disappear – in a quest to regain his memories and to discover who is behind the attack and why he was so drastically altered.

****************

And then next:

***************

BOOK TITLE: Liberty is gone, but Truth remains.

Out of curiosity, what's your book title?

[Azrael52]

Thanks, Cor! You were one of the main ones I hoped would chime in.

The statue does get destroyed, but not mystically. There's a mix of elements with Van Parson representing the corrupt business/political side and the Dark Monk representing the magical.

His quest is two-fold, too. The first part (Book 1) of the book is about his regaining his knowledge and strengthening his bond with Caduceus. Plus, it introduces Mao and Caduceus' brother Aesculapus. The second part (Book 2) is about his delving into the war and the Dark Monk's plans.

[Shades0077]

The tagline rocks.

I agree with Corrina, the opening is great, but the stuff after that is a little confusing.

[Corrina]

Originally Posted by Azrael52

Thanks, Cor! You were one of the main ones I hoped would chime in.

The statue does get destroyed, but not mystically. There's a mix of elements with Van Parson representing the corrupt business/political side and the Dark Monk representing the magical.

His quest is two-fold, too. The first part (Book 1) of the book is about his regaining his knowledge and strengthening his bond with Caduceus. Plus, it introduces Mao and Caduceus' brother Aesculapus. The second part (Book 2) is about his delving into the war and the Dark Monk's plans.

Cool! That first paragraph is an excellent hook, btw. YOu don't have to use my version. :)

Generally, in a query, you want to give them just enough information to hook them but not enough to confuse them and you want to streamline characters as much as possible. They don't need the name of the bad guys, they just need to know there are some and it's going to be hard to catch them. Given them the names of the two supporting characters is just fine.

Just an example, and I'm not saying it's perfect....actually, I think yours is better, but this is what I'm using for queries right now:

**********************
ALEC FARLEY is a fire starter and telekinetic trained since birth to be
a living weapon by the Resource, a shadowy anti-terrorist organization. He
doesn't realize that the Resource is only interested in collecting power
for themselves. BETH NAKAMORA is a psychologist with a latent telepathic
talent. She's hired by the Resource to help Alec learn to work well with
outsiders.Beth soon realizes that Alec needs rescuing, not counseling, and
she kidnaps him to show him the normal world.

Unfortunately, her telepathy flares during the kidnapping and she turns
his powers off, leaving Beth terrified of her power, Alec incensed with his
would-be rescuer, and the Resource after them both. They must learn to
trust each other and meld their powers together not only to escape the
Resource but to defeat a deadly nuclear plot against Manhattan.
******************************

If I were querying this as a comic story, I'd emphasize stuff more unique than the basic superhero stuff. But since I'm querying romance agents/editors, I'm going with the superhero stuff, which is kinda unique to *them*, and the romance conflict.

So that's my other advice. You can tweak the summary to appeal to a particular agent/editor.

And, btw, CONGRATULATIONS on the querying. You have no idea how many people never get that far.

[Azrael52]

My working title is only Truth. I've still gotta come up with that before I send it off.

I've thought of a few over the past year, but they all seem like those titles that you see on the shelf and think, "That's such a dumb title." It's not easy.

- Ray

[Azrael52]

Originally Posted by Shades0077

The tagline rocks.

I agree with Corrina, the opening is great, but the stuff after that is a little confusing.

It's a metaphor for my sex life.

[Corrina]

Originally Posted by Azrael52

My working title is only Truth. I've still gotta come up with that before I send it off.

I've thought of a few over the past year, but they all seem like those titles that you see on the shelf and think, "That's such a dumb title." It's not easy.

- Ray

You've got a few title choices.

There's the thematic title choice.
The Moon is Harsh Mistress
Babylon Revisited

There's the main character idea:
Secret Six
Birds of Prey
Dinah of Seneca (mine)

And there's an overall description idea:
Action Comics!
Adventure Comics!
Detective Comics
Starship Troopers

I'd say grab a whole bunch of words that relate to your theme and main character and brainstorm right here.

[Stressfactor]

You might also consider the dramatic statement as title. For example, one book which caught my eye a few years ago and (even though I didn't get around to reading it) piqued my interest enough to grab it off the shelf and read the book jacket was

Soon I Will Be Invincible

I mean, you've got to admit, it was unusual, it was a dramatic statement, and had a touch of arrogance, but also threat and menace to it.

[FeminineMystique]

Originally Posted by Stressfactor

You might also consider the dramatic statement as title. For example, one book which caught my eye a few years ago and (even though I didn't get around to reading it) piqued my interest enough to grab it off the shelf and read the book jacket was

Soon I Will Be Invincible

I mean, you've got to admit, it was unusual, it was a dramatic statement, and had a touch of arrogance, but also threat and menace to it.

Wonderful book, I'd reccomend it Stress! And Az, best of luck with getting published sweetheart!

[Azrael52]

I thought about going with this one:

DAMN, I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED.

[sk716]

Originally Posted by Azrael52

I thought about going with this one:

DAMN, I WANT TO BE PUBLISHED.

I thought of a great title last week:

Black Coffee and Hell's Orphans.

You can't have it, it's mine. Sooner or later, I'll come up with a story to go with it.