The worst reviews of the best books...

[Noah Johnson]

So, Time magazine went and published their list of the 100 best novels ever. Okay, fine, magazines do things like that sometimes, nothing too surprising.

But then someone went through Amazon and tracked down some of the one-star customer reviews of these wonderful books.

http://www.themorningnews.org/archiv...statements.php

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll despair of the future of humanity. I did...

[Super Macho Man]

Bunch of retards couldn't even find GOOD reasons to hate the books.

And, to that guy who dissed Native Son:

You suck.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Mrs. Dalloway (1925)

Author: Virginia Woolf

“The only good thing to say about this “literary” drivel is that the person responsible, Virginia Woolf, has been dead for quite some time now. Let us pray to God she stays that way.”

You know, I have to agree with that last part. Resurrected zombie authors are bad news.

[Aaron Kashtan]

When I'm procrastinating, which is often, I sometimes use Amazon.com to search for negative reviews of books I loved. Here's one of my favorites. This reviewer's enjoyment of one of the greatest of all English novels was ruined because he misunderstood one little phrase.

I read half of Middlemarch and found it hard going. All of the characters are flawed (as in real life) which would have been OK if there were any who were sympathetic. But after reading 331 of 771 pages in my edition, I came across the following passage (Chap. 40): "(irrelevant part of passage omitted) If you want to know more particularly how Mary looked, ten to one you will see a face like hers in the crowded street to-morrow, if you are there on the watch: she will not be among those daughters of Zion who are haughty, and walk with stretched-out necks and wanton eyes, mincing as they go: let all those pass, and fix your eyes on some small plump brownish person of firm but quiet carriage,...." These words of Eliot's (not of a character) are vile. Who would want to read a book with hateful racial slanders like this, written from the point of view of an author a part of whose moral nature is racial animosity? Any author whose moral frame of reference is so small-minded could not write a book of any real artistic value, all the professors of literature and their hollow praises notwithstanding. Character development and other technical accomplishments do not a work of art make.

[Sanagi]

I think the one for "To Kill a Mockingbird" is the funniest:

"I don’t see why this book is so fabulous. I would give it a zero. I find no point in writing a book about segregation, there’s no way of making it into an enjoyable book. And yes I am totally against segregation."

Would someone who is for segregation enjoy the book more?

[Donald M.]

A Clockwork Orange (1963)

Author: Anthony Burgess

“In the first 20 pages, Alex and his lackies beat a guy senseless and rob him; they steal a car and trash it, they get into a vicious gang fight; they attack a couple at their home, destroy the husband’s life work (his book, A Clockwork Orange), beat him and his wife senseless, and rape the wife. This really ticked me off.”

*busts out laughing*

Was the reader under the impression that these things were meant to endear the characters to him?

There's stupid, and then there's trashing a book because a sequence of events evokes precisely the reaction it's supposed to.

[The Mirrorball Man]

The Lord of the Rings (1954)
Author: J.R.R. Tolkien
“The book is not readable because of the overuse of adverbs.”

As much as I like The Lord of the Rings, it's very hard to disagree with that.

[Donald M.]

I've been looking for ones for other books on the list as well:

Snow Crash

"Bad, silly, superficial and really, really boring. And, of course, it is not a novel, only a lot of words and too many childish simils without any meaning."

Watchmen

"Moore's original burst of inspiration was to take a form of children's literature - the super-hero comic book - and fuse it with the Hemingway-derived melodrama of the hard-boiled school of crime and detective fiction. Teenagers, poorly-read and possessing malnourished tastes in prose, were predictably awestruck by the results. They thought it was 'realistic'; they thought this was 'great literature'."

Now see, I never knew Hemmingway wrote hard-boiled detective fiction. You learn something new every day.

Animal Farm

the book 'animal farm' was not very good. we read it in english, and the book is so boring i almost fell asleep reading it. george orwell must be old. i do not recommend this book to anyone.. try watching tv instead. but dont watch the movie, its worse than the book.

Watch tv instead of reading and you too can be a complete dumbass!

Invisible Man

"read this book only if you're interested in the stagnant rantings and ravings of a sad, cynical 50s black man."

This review is also sad, cynical and stagnant, but at least it's short.

[Edman]

On the Road (1957)

Author: Jack Kerouac

“This book gets my nomination for the most overrated book in American Literature. It is trite, saccharine and false. The themes and insights it contains are not even good enough to be third rate. Moreover, as a prose stylist, Kerouac was probably fourth rate. In short, I despise this piece of [garbage] and would advise all of its hipster doofus fans to lose the tie-dye clothes and throw away their bongs. Maybe then they will read something good for a change.”

this is just genius.

[pennywisdom]

There is nothing more painfully frustrating than seeing all those people completely miss the point. Sweet christ.

Has anyone here seen the website where people offer a single sentence synopsis of classic works of literature? The premise of the site is that when the book is too long and Cliffs are too long, you just want the gist of the book in a single sentence. It's supposed to be really clever and witty, but it's just a bunch of idiots who don't understand what's going on. Sorry I don't have a name or a link, but if you saw it you'd know what I'm talking about.

[Sentry]

Lord of the Flies (1955)

Author: William Golding

“I am obsessed with Survivor, so I thought it would be fun. WRONG!!! It is incredibly boring and disgusting. I was very much disturbed when I found young children killing each other. I think that anyone with a conscience would agree with me.”

is that not the point of the book? also i love the first line of this....

its a little like watching big brother on t.v and then going out to buy 1984.!!!

[cactusmaac]

The Gone With The Wind review makes me fear for humanity.

[Adam Crocker]

1984 (1948)

“Don’t listen to anyone who tries to distinguish between “serious” works of literature like this one and allegedly “lesser” novels. The distinction is entirely illusory, because no novels are “better” than any others, and the concept of a “great novel” is an intellectual hoax. This book isn’t as good as Harry Potter in MY opinion, and no one can refute me. Tastes are relative!”

The self-justification in this review is so desperate that you can climb up the obvious inferiority complex and take pictures of China from the top.

Slaughterhouse-Five (1969)

“[...] I did not find the idea of aliens kidnapping a human and putting them in a zoo very plausible. [...]”

No it isn't, but thanks anyways. You're review will be studied by scholars hundreds of years from now as THE textbook example of missing the point.

A Clockwork Orange (1963)

“In the first 20 pages, Alex and his lackies beat a guy senseless and rob him; they steal a car and trash it, they get into a vicious gang fight; they attack a couple at their home, destroy the husband’s life work (his book, A Clockwork Orange), beat him and his wife senseless, and rape the wife. This really ticked me off.”

...

I'm sorry, your place in history has just been usurped.

[Ms. M]

The one for The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is priceless:

I bought these books to have something nice to read to my grandkids. I had to stop, however, because the books are nothing more than advertisements for 'Turkish Delight', a candy popular in the UK...How much money is this Mr. Lewis getting from the Cadbury's chocolate company anyway? The man must be laughing all the way to the bank.

Finally, someone sees that the true point of the Narnia series is not as an allegory for Christianity, but as an advertisement for candy!

[GremlinClr]

Slaughterhouse-Five (1969)

Author: Kurt Vonnegut

“In the novel, they often speak of a planet called Tralfamadore, where he was displayed in a zoo with a former movie star by the name of Montana Wildhack. I thought that the very concept of a man who was kidnapped by aliens was truly unbelievable and a tad ludicrous. I did not find the idea of aliens kidnapping a human and putting them in a zoo very plausible. While some of the Tralfamadorians’ concept of death and living in a moment would be comforting for a war veteran, I found it relatively odd. I do not believe that an alien can kidnap someone and house them in a zoo for years at a time, while it is only a microsecond on earth. I also do not believe that a person has seven parents.”

Is it possible to be born without an imagination?