WARBIRD HATES YOU ~ An Advice Column

[Lady_Alternate]

Are you having troubles? Problems?
Is your love life stale and flaccid? Are you a failure in the kitchen?
Do you not know how to disembowel a Vagarian Fear-Cat with one strike?

ASK WARBIRD FOR ADVICE!

She is here to help.

[pryde15]

You should make a Warbird advice thread.

[Lady_Alternate]

You should make a Warbird advice thread.

I totally want to. I'm thinking this could serve as it.

[Justin K.]

Dear Warbird,

Why Iceman?

Yours truly,
Justin

PS, Am I doing this right?

[Lady_Alternate]

Dear Warbird,

Why Iceman?

Yours truly,
Justin

PS, Am I doing this right?

Justin,

Is the potential of his seed not apparent to the women of Earth? Do the men of this planet truly not recognise his power and inherent majesty?

DO YOU QUESTION THE WISDOM OF THE ROYAL WARBIRD?

THIS SHALL BE SETTLED IN THE MURDER PITS!

Yours,

Warbird.

[sweetdumbass]

Dear Warbird,
What do you think of Captain America ? Would you say he is as "vigorous" as Ice Man ?
Thanks.

[Lady_Alternate]

Dear Warbird,
What do you think of Captain America ? Would you say he is as "vigorous" as Ice Man ?
Thanks.

sweetdumbass,

I have heard of your Captain America, and I laugh at the thought of mating with him. An elderly man bound in outdated and prudish rituals and conventions has nothing to offer a woman! His heart would fail in minutes were he to engage in copulation with any Shi'ar past her maidenhood. Pathetic.

Do not worry, though. Imperial Intelligence reports indicate that he has no interest in the females of your planet. Whatsoever.

Yours,

Warbird.

[Clairaudient Freedom Soldier]

Dear Warbird:

Do you like guava-strawberry smoothies?

Best,
CFA

[Majinoaw]

Dear Warbird, why does MajinOAW always get such disrespect from the Ilk and other posters on these boards.

[Lady_Alternate]

Dear Warbird:

Do you like guava-strawberry smoothies?

Best,
CFA

CFA,

Fruits are important for the diet of any true warrior, and I have been introduced to this concept of blending and drinking them by Husk. However, I always blend in at least a kilogram of raw meat with any smoothie, and have begun to experiment with the spices of your planet in an attempt to give them flavour.

Yours,

Warbird.

[Come To Deathstrike]

I don't understand what's going on here. It's like ValKet came back, but with less Nazi.

[Lady_Alternate]

Dear Warbird, why does MajinOAW always get such disrespect from the Ilk and other posters on these boards.

MajinOAW,

The interplay of social groups on your planet was at first confusing to me, used as I was to the strict Shi'ar social hierarchy. However, I have learned that respect can be gained in one of two ways. The first is, of course, to disembowel one in ten of the dissenters and wear their entrails as a scarf while you address the survivors.

The second involves baking muffins. A variety is best, but at least one batch must be chocolate. If you are incapable of baking, then store-bought muffins can be an acceptable alternative, depending on the climate of the social circle you are attempting to garner. Bulk-bought mini-muffins would be a faux-pas.

The two methods can be combined, but the results are in no way guaranteed.

Yours,

Warbird.

[Lady_Alternate]

Socially inept? Unable to please your lover?
Unsure how to cook a nutritious and exciting meal?

ASK WARBIRD FOR ADVICE!

[Dr. Sonic]

Dear Warbird,
Some new neighbors have just moved in to the house next door to ours. They seem nice enough, but having taken to playing the bongos with a bunch of hippies just about every other night. It's quite hot here in Chicago, is it inappropriate of me to ask these dirty hippies to take their bongo drum circle inside?
Yours,
Annoyed in the Ukrainian Village

[Lady_Alternate]

Dear Warbird,
Some new neighbors have just moved in to the house next door to ours. They seem nice enough, but having taken to playing the bongos with a bunch of hippies just about every other night. It's quite hot here in Chicago, is it inappropriate of me to ask these dirty hippies to take their bongo drum circle inside?
Yours,
Annoyed in the Ukrainian Village

Dear Annoyed,

Bongos are never acceptable; they are an abomination. Does your residence have a death pit? If so, you should immediately challenge them to ritual combat. A win is assured against hippies, so in order to prove that you are a worthy mate to your partner, you should consider taking on two to four opponents at once. Anything less would be a display of weakness.

If you do not have a death pit, then you may wish to invest in building one as a family project.

Yours,

Warbird.