Friendship Reports!

[Omegalith]

A consortium of Baffling Cosmic Forces have decreed that every fictional character is now required to file a written report at the end of each week beginning with the phrase "Dear Princess Celestia...", detailing what they have learned about friendship in the past seven days.

Failure to do so will result in the character spontaneously combusting, even if it would not normally make sense for that character to spontaneously combust. Even beings such as fire elementals will somehow contrive to burn to death if they're too tardy with the report.

How does this go?

[Kage Kisaragi]

A lot of people start making Friendship problems. *cue insane twilight*

Naruto: Dear Princess Horse,

I learned this week that all my talk about protecting my friends, and become hokage, mean absolute squat if i try to handle all my troubles on my own. No matter how powerful i get I have friends who will support me, and help me out. No one person can do it alone.

*goes out and ends ninja war by himself.*

*sends another letter to Celestia*

Dear Princess Horse,... I was wrong, that last letter was a lie, I didn't learn nuthin.. lol. *is spontaneously sent to the moon.*

[Captain England]

A consortium of Baffling Cosmic Forces have decreed that every fictional character is now required to file a written report at the end of each week beginning with the phrase "Dear Princess Celestia...", detailing what they have learned about friendship in the past seven days.

Failure to do so will result in the character spontaneously combusting, even if it would not normally make sense for that character to spontaneously combust. Even beings such as fire elementals will somehow contrive to burn to death if they're too tardy with the report.

How does this go?

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have not done anything this week so The Void does not destroy the world. Please do not reply to this letter so The Void does not destroy the world.

Yours,

Robert Reynolds.

[Omegalith]

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have not done anything this week so The Void does not destroy the world. Please do not reply to this letter so The Void does not destroy the world.

Yours,

Robert Reynolds.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have not done anything this week because Robert just sat around all week brushing his pretty hair and watching Friends re-runs. I wish he wasn't so boring and would let me destroy the world.

Joey is the funny one.

YFS,

The Void.

[T51R]

"Dear Princess Celestia,

My friends continue to give me the strength to continue walking through this wasteland making people's heads asplode and their intestines fall onto the ground, leaving them to fertilize the earth with their bodily fluids and decomposing corpses. Yesterday, they again pointed me to a small city in need of help via celestial orientation, specifically, by using the Big Dipper as a signpost. With their help, at least a hundred people were rescued from an evil overlord, who ended up being made to walk backwards into a wood chipper. On his hands. Groin-first.

I've learned, and continue to learn that the strength of friendship extrends even beyond the veil of death. Twice this week, I shed MANLY TEARS for them.

Because almost all my friends...are already dead.

~Ken"

[Omegalith]

Dear Princess Celestia:

ZEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSS SS!!!!

And that is all I have to say on the matter.

YFS,

Kratos.

deer pretty poni princes

today hulk learn that not all problem solved by smash with fist some problem need use hed hulk brak stupid robot with hed coz hulk strongest there is

hulk make frends with dog but stupid mustache man hit dog with tank hulk smash tank

hulk been god this yeer pleez send lots presents

hulk

[mailedbypostman1]

Dear Princess Celestia,

Why am I supposed to write letters to myself anyway?

-Princess Celestia

[Captain England]

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have not done anything this week because Robert just sat around all week brushing his pretty hair and watching Friends re-runs. I wish he wasn't so boring and would let me destroy the world.

Joey is the funny one.

YFS,

The Void.

[mailedbypostman1]

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I made lots of friends and everyone made me president. Also I learned the value of forgiveness as people forgave me for all my crimes.

Norman Osborn

[Wjowski]

Dear Princess Celestia

Supreme executive power is derived from a mandate from the masses, not from celestial phenomena!

Sic Semper Tyrannis!

[Captain England]

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I was thinking about how lucky my friends like Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman are to be my friends. Because I'm the best person ever.

Yours,

Hal Jordan.

P.S. I'm totally going to nail Wonder Woman because I'm the best person ever.

[Dark Soul # 7]

Greetings equine royalty of the sun.

On this day mighty Galactus has once again protected his friends in the whole of existence by feeding on the life energies of a planet that was bustling with life.

Thusly Galactus has learned that he can greatly aid his friends by simply doing what he is best at. Devouring worlds!

End communication

[Guy Smiley]

Dear fellow royalty,

This week, Doom has once again magnanimously extended the hand of friendship to all living beings on the planet Earth by forever ridding it of crime, poverty, and hunger, only for his attempts to be swatted down by the accursed Richards.

Why, on Tuesday, did not Doom send Richards the splendid gift of an army of robots? Did he not graciously provide the robots with orders to relocate the Baxter building as part of an all-expenses-paid vacation to the netherworld? And did the accursed Richards not repay Doom's kindness by smashing his gift into millions of pieces?

But Doom, in another astonishing display of friendship and forgiveness, did not retaliate to this slight by borrowing America's nuclear missile supply and firing it at the city of New York.

Doom feels this was most commendable on Doom's part, and as such Doom would like to invite you to a tea party at his Latverian castle, where Doom will most certainly not subject you to a power drain and use his newly-acquired deific power to reign supreme in the universe as is his ultimate destiny.

Yours,

Victor von Doom

P.S. Please deliver a lump of coal to the accursed Richards this Xmas.

[Ghost]

TG: dear princess celestia
TG: (i still can't believe you are making me write that every time btw)
TG: this week i learned about friendship and shit
TG: it was all very enlightening
TG: it was like a bolt of lightning made of pure friendly understanding raced across the endless void of paradox space
TG: striking my poor unprepared head and sending a jolt of delicious friendship related data through my screaming neurons
TG: for starters i learned that your friends can still be fucking assholes
TG: especially when they are trolls
TG: and especially when those trolls are karkat
TG: which is every fucking day
TG: that's not just me calling him that though
TG: karkat calls himself a fucking asshole all the time
TG: his past and future selves to be exact
TG: this lunatic will actually talk to himself over that omnitemporal chat client of theirs and always ends up trolling both his past and future selves
TG: it always ends with him calling himself a moron and then he acts like hes learned something important about himself until his future self calls him a moron again
TG: its an endless goddamn mobious double reacharound cycle of narcissistic jackassery
TG: and im going to have to put up with this guy for three years
TG: still that wouldnt be so bad if he didnt keep getting on my case about terezi
TG: he seems to think we could just implode into a some sort of wild interspecies hanky panky party at any moment
TG: god if he makes another shipping grid i swear im going to flip right the fuck out
TG: fucks will be flipped into the wide open air hitting the screaming faces of the innocent
TG: overturned copulations will darken the sky and dongs will be drawn on every available surface
TG: i know you and your magical horse kingdom are all about love and friendship and stuff but i think we can all agree that karkats shipping grids are fucking bullshit
TG: a multiversial constant if you will
TG: anyway where was i?
TG: right learning about friendship
TG: one silver lining is that my good friend the mayor has taught me the joys of can and chalk based urban planning
TG: and i guess the trolls who aren't karkat are okay too
TG: not sure about the creepy juggalo guy but he still seems to be hiding so whatever
TG: oh and rose is still cool to have around of course
TG: my other non troll friends arent here right now but i have it on good authority
TG: (and by that i mean rose because she knows everything for some reason)
TG: that they are doing fine and will meet us at our destination
TG: meanwhile they have free access to seven entire planets and our old houses and all our stuff
TG: while were stuck drinking horrible coffee on this asteroid with karkat
TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter
TG: so until next time
TG: assuming i havent opted to see if spontanious combustion is actually enough to permanently end my suffering
TG: yours
TG: dave strider

[Len Ikari145]

Dear Princess Celestia,

I've learned in that past few months, after committing a series of good deeds, that humanity is a cancerous cesspool of betrayal and apathy. This was explicably shown to me from the actions of my second girlfriend, who shot me in the head after she had stolen the money that I humbly procured from a pair of drug lords I consumed. Of course, she didn't realize that I was a viral organism that barely notices a ballistic missile nowadays, so I enjoyed the terror in her eyes and frantic screams for forgiveness as I slowly rended her flesh bit by bit, slowly devouring her body and mind.

Now I will go about correcting humanity's flaws by making them into beings similar to myself, and strip away their individuality so that they become my perfected vision of a morally just society.

Oh, but don't worry....

I don't intend to hoard such splendid gift for the humans. It would be rather selfish if the blessed denizens of Ponyville were left out of the new evolutionary chain, right?

See you soon.

-Alex Mercer