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  1. #1
    Goblin Cultist PhilUrich'sFlamingSword's Avatar
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    Default An Open Letter to the Real Victor Van Damme (tMichael Jackson of Ultimate Villains)

    Dear Victor Van Damme,

    I'm one of those people out there that consoles myself over the downfall of the great Ultimate Villain you used to be by choosing to believe that the 'you' that did all the nonsensical stuff in Ultimate Power, and had the bright idea to have Magneto destroy the whole world in order to 'pick up the pieces' (you can't take over a planet that's...you know...dead, Vic. Also, I'm sure your beloved people of Latveria, that modern economic wonder, appreciated you getting them frozen to death 'The Day After Tomorrow' style while on the crapper or making dinner on a nice summer evening...good thing it wasn't an election year and you still have seventy-two years left on your current term).

    You're like the Michael Jackson of super-villains. How, you ask? Well, I'm glad you did ask. Here's why. The first half of your career was legendary! You had a great look! You were genuinely menacing, and a true magnificent bastard whose inevitable, semi-regular appearances to screw with the Fantastic Four, or turn a small third world-Eastern European country overnight into one of the world's most stable and productive economic systems, became events to look forward to on par with the Super Bowl, or the release of the long-anticipated Blu-Ray edition of 'The Return of Jafar'! You were destined to do something great and terrible! Second half of your career? Well, you inexplicably and drastically changed your appearance, started making decisions that only made sense to paranoid schizophrenics off their meds (and also to Andy Dick), apparently just spontaneously changed your entire biological make-up overnight when, against all rules of nature, you somehow grew internal organs and a working bloodstream, despite the fact that you showed us pretty definitive proof in the past that your whole body was made out of a super-stylish organic metal and that you were nigh-immortal in addition to being an evil genius of the highest order, and then, along the same vein, suddenly grew regular feet to replace those 'completely-awesome-in-a-creepy-quasi-satanic-kinda-way' goat's feet you used to have.

    Seriously, don't ask me to explain why it was awesome, but you somehow pulled it off and made a legitimate fashion statement out of wearing a partially torn green cape that looks like that one cloak that Robin Hood just refuses to throw out despite Maid Marian's angry protests because it apparently is his 'lucky cloak' even though the luckiest thing to happen to him while wearing it in the last ten years was that time he found a partially petrified kidney pie from the previous week's 'merry men' picnic in the side pocket (which was STILL GOOD! MARIAN!), looking kind of like a grey C3PO who's constantly pissed because R2 never pays his share of the rent on time and leaves his dirty oil rags out on the table for all the world to see and refuses to clean them up because it's 'his table too', you know, the fact that you had the aforementioned hooves for feet.

    This was a revolutionary, bold look, Vic, and then you went and got regular feet and blood and...oh wait, we already went over this part. I get repetitive when I'm feeling sentimental. Okay, so you went cooky, but we all held out hope you'd get your groove back in a bigger way than Stella did (I've never seen that movie, but based on the title I am going to assume that the eponymous Stella did indeed get her groove back at some point during the film, probably followed by a chorus of 'you go girls' from her friends).

    Instead you made your aforementioned moronic 'play for power' by pushing the most powerful mutant on the planet into a genocidal rage and then apparently figuring you'd just wing it and see how that worked out, then after it was all over you kidnapped Namor for...sport? I guess? Because you thought a mostly naked Atlanteon mass murderer trapped in a fish tank would really bring the room together? Then, somehow, a guy who is admittedly very strong but is essentially a high-school football player of average to slightly below average intelligence who got turned into a rock monster whose only powers are being really strong and beig the opposite of stealthy was able to get past all your no doubt ample defenses, stroll right into your living room (or whatever the hell the living room equivalent is for a sinister, drafty looking Eastern European castle), and crush your head like a metal-coated grapefruit, squirting blood everywhere and...killing you. In seconds, apparently, while you put up no fight whatsoever (nevermind the fact that you used to be able to fight the entire Fantastic Four by yourself and hold your own).

    See, this is what happens when you grow blood. Do you think I would choose to have blood and organs in my body if I could just be metal instead? Granted, it would make airport security some kinda hell, but it'd be worth it to completely dominate the fight club my friends and I started in my mom's basement last Saturday night. So that was it...your career ended more abruptly than the finale of the Sopranos. I haven't seen something start that well and then end that badly for a person of means since every one of Newt Gingrich's six marriages (or seven or twelve or whatever the number is).

    So, much like the real Michael Jackson was kidnapped by aliens in the late '80's and replaced with a mentally unstable, man-childish, racially ambiguous clone as part of some nefarious scheme to soften us up for invasion by breaking our pop-music-loving spirits, I and many others will choose to believe that you're not only still in the Zombie verse and the Doom who was killed by the aforementioned rock monster with the mind of a high school second string tight end was some sort of experiment in genetic engineering you had going that went terribly bad after you were forced to abandon it when you took that unscheduled stop into Zombieland.

    One day you will return, and upon finding out that your former arch-enemy/goody two-shoes Reed Richards has turned into a genocidal mad scientist bent on destroying humanity and replacing it with a superior 'master race' (man, when you put it that way...), you will....well, honestly, I have no idea what you will do, because a reality in which there is a legitimate argument to be made that you are actually less evil than your hated rival Richards has never before been seen outside of some obscure issues of 'What If?' Anyway, I don't know what you would do upon seeing what the world has become in your absence, but I'd love to find out. I'm convinced this or something similar will happen someday.

    Until it does, though, I'll always have the image of you ripping apart the Zombie Fantastic Four like wet toilet paper and then banishing yourself voluntarily to another dimension so as to get rid of an evil alien parasite that would have otherwise ended all life on Earth. Were you scared when said other dimension turned out to be a world where all the meta-humans have turned into flesh-eating evil zombie versions of themselves and now turn their eyes towards you as their next meal? I mean, quite the pickle, even for you, right Vic, you magnificent bastard? Not quite. Your reaction? You merely narrow your eyes and say, 'This should be a challenge.' No doubt, Vic, but I bet you're still up for it, somewhere out there. Come back to us. The Ultimate Universe has never been the same without you. Until then I'll force myself to rewatch Nip/Tuck's Christian Troy play you in the horrid Fantastic Four movies as if he were a CEO pretending to be Lex Luthor for Halloween to remind myself of how there is nothing worse than a poorly written Doctor Doom, in any continuity, which will subsequently stoke my desire for your return even more.

    Signed,

    Anyone who ever read Ultimate Fantastic Four (okay, well actually it was me, PhilUrich'sFlamingSword, that wrote this, but I'm confident I speak for most of your disgruntled yet still hopeful fans)
    Last edited by PhilUrich'sFlamingSword; 04-26-2012 at 08:18 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Well said sir they never explained why or how Vic (if it was Vic) returned, I think it was either a half-finished clone of Vic in specially made armor or Vic had a program in those dragon tattoos that would overwrite someones mind to create a copy of him. Either way I would like Vic to come back, to just see what his reaction would be. I can only imagine what would happen if Vic came back and was like " the retarded version of me did WHAT... !!?! " and all the things that resulted form this. I wonder if Vic would try and atone or go back to being a bastard and ruling whats left of Latveria which is only a half of Poland between them and Reed Richards City ? I am kinda hoping its the hero option myself, people have any other ideas ?.

  3. #3
    Goblin Cultist PhilUrich'sFlamingSword's Avatar
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    Thanks man. It's how I feel, but I tried to make it amusing too, so hope it was effective. Heck, you're the only one who said anything at all, so my Rotten Tomatoes rating would be 100%!
    Last edited by PhilUrich'sFlamingSword; 04-28-2012 at 12:52 AM.
    The Amazing Spider-Man, Avenging Spider-Man, Venom, Scarlet Spider, Daredevil, Avengers, New Avengers, Secret Avengers, Avengers Academy, Thunderbolts, Fantastic Four, FF, All Ultimate

  4. #4
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    Um...Millar ruined Doom before Loeb ever got near the Ultimate universe. Not sure why that's not focused on more.

    PS: Please come back to the Ultimate universe Ellis, we miss you.

  5. #5
    Gamebreaker Wellman's Avatar
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    Doom was salvageable at the end of Frightful arc but it was Ultimate Power that turned him into a generic, 'It was ALL ME!!' easy out, which we sadly saw once again in Children's Crusade.


    The lesson here kids is simple, if you ever get late on your Marvel stories just right that the entire thing was a plan of Dr. Doom to make sure all questions die there. Because Doom can do anything and as such is always at fault when needed.

  6. #6
    Ultimate Mod! Plawsky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyokid View Post
    Um...Millar ruined Doom before Loeb ever got near the Ultimate universe. Not sure why that's not focused on more.
    Probably because he didn't ruin him. He wrote an ending for the character that fit perfectly with the mythos of Dr Doom.
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  7. #7
    Senior Member horsehead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyokid View Post
    Um...Millar ruined Doom before Loeb ever got near the Ultimate universe. Not sure why that's not focused on more.
    This has to be one of your most far fetched Millar bashing claims, what are you basing this on?

    Back to the OP - I fear for the children of Latveria

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by horsehead View Post
    This has to be one of your most far fetched Millar bashing claims, what are you basing this on?

    Back to the OP - I fear for the children of Latveria
    Millar's run...also I'm not bashing on Millar, his run was crap.
    Last edited by wyokid; 05-01-2012 at 06:32 AM.

  9. #9
    Ultimate Mod! Plawsky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyokid View Post
    Millar's run...also I'm not bashing on Millar, his run was crap.
    So what was so bad about Millar's Dr Doom?
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  10. #10
    Sentinel of Liberty Drz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Plawsky View Post
    So what was so bad about Millar's Dr Doom?
    It was well written.
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Plawsky View Post
    So what was so bad about Millar's Dr Doom?
    1. Retconning Ellis' original design: Now I know that this was an editorial choice, but Millar REALLY couldn't think of a better way to change him? How the hell do you take goat legs, put metal plates on them and then have normal non-bulgy Dr. Doom legs?

    2. Doom becoming Reed. Doom DESPISED Reed, yes he wanted to hurt him by switching bodies, but he's also becoming the number one thing he hates the most in the world.

    3. Sacrificing himself to save his most hated enemies. Um...what? This is as out of character as Pyro in The Ultimates 3.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyokid View Post
    1. Retconning Ellis' original design: Now I know that this was an editorial choice, but Millar REALLY couldn't think of a better way to change him? How the hell do you take goat legs, put metal plates on them and then have normal non-bulgy Dr. Doom legs?

    2. Doom becoming Reed. Doom DESPISED Reed, yes he wanted to hurt him by switching bodies, but he's also becoming the number one thing he hates the most in the world.

    3. Sacrificing himself to save his most hated enemies. Um...what? This is as out of character as Pyro in The Ultimates 3.
    Actually I didn't mind the Ellis design retconning , I just figured that if Victor can grow quills from his body maybe he can then shape his metal limbs to fit his needs (or ego), the reason he switched bodies with reed is to steal everything from him that Victor thought he was entitled to (I would switch bodies to if I got to snuggle Sue Storm every night). As with Victor sacrificing himself he did it to save the world from a zombie apocalypse and possible a spawn of a elder god running around eating said world. Also I think the biggest factor in that decision was Victor's ego wouldn't allow Reed to have the glory of saving the world, so he stole that from him to.

  13. #13
    Ultimate Mod! Plawsky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyokid View Post
    1. Retconning Ellis' original design: Now I know that this was an editorial choice, but Millar REALLY couldn't think of a better way to change him? How the hell do you take goat legs, put metal plates on them and then have normal non-bulgy Dr. Doom legs?
    Like you said, it was editorial. Maybe it could have been done in a better way, I suppose, but it was hardly an important moment. The goat legs were never a defining characteristic of Doom; I'm not sure if they were ever actually talked about, only seen, though I could be wrong.

    2. Doom becoming Reed. Doom DESPISED Reed, yes he wanted to hurt him by switching bodies, but he's also becoming the number one thing he hates the most in the world.
    You explained this one yourself. He wanted to wreak havoc, so he took over Reed's body. It's just like Chameleon, who took over Spider-man's body, but Doom's actions had more purpose on a personal level.

    3. Sacrificing himself to save his most hated enemies. Um...what? This is as out of character as Pyro in The Ultimates 3.
    He was proving to Reed that he's superior. I'm not sure how much Doom you've read, but that's one of the biggest part of his character. If it takes him sacrificing his life to prove he's better than Reed, so be it. Besides, he was hardly intending to die. If there's one thing bigger than Doom's ego, it's his arrogance. And it's really not out of character if you see the progression on the panel. It's not like he was all of a sudden a member of the Fantastic Four.
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  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Plawsky View Post

    He was proving to Reed that he's superior. I'm not sure how much Doom you've read, but that's one of the biggest part of his character. If it takes him sacrificing his life to prove he's better than Reed, so be it. Besides, he was hardly intending to die. If there's one thing bigger than Doom's ego, it's his arrogance. And it's really not out of character if you see the progression on the panel. It's not like he was all of a sudden a member of the Fantastic Four.
    Doom saying that he made a mistake while reciting the incantation was out of character. He should have denied there ever was a mistake. Its been shown he makes mistakes but his arrogance denies them.

  15. #15
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    I agree with the OP.
    Fuck 'Dead Means Dead'. We want Doom back!

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