School House Rumbles 3: The Reborn Age of Fighters RPG Sign-Up and Discussion Thread.

[Siriel]

You also say he's blunt which, again, contradicts the notion of him relying on sarcasm or humour to veil his emotions. Can you even be blunt while being emotionally distant? Surely that's a kind of contradiction in terms.

It's entirely possible to be blunt while emotionally distant. Being blunt is just about getting straight to the point without bothering about being polite and such.

That said, being blunt while being sarcastic and/or darkly humorous is...not all that possible.

[Chrosis]

Okay, commencing dissection...



Already you're flashing up danger signs to me by saying he's created his own style of kung fu. Such a thing isn't really possible now with the prevalence of cross-training and mixed martial arts. I think you mean he's a user of multiple martial arts style, he hasn't created his own codified style because, honestly, what would be the point?



Dear god. He forged a special sword that is black and made of unknown metals and is the best blade ever.

I'm sorry, did this guy wander in from Conan or something?

Also, see my earlier references with regards to the "unique fighting style," bit.



Hitting the anime character clichés pretty hard seems to be a running theme here.



Yep, those clichés seem to be getting hit pretty hard here.

Okay, from a basic level, leaving aside how completely played out the whole stoic warrior/samurai in a different age thing is, this backstory seems pretty cluttered. You have no less than three backstory elements that would be sufficient to create a decent character; the whole warrior raised in seclusion thing, the mysterious accident thing and the murdered parents letter thing. Having all three just feels really busy. I would advise you to streamline his background because it feels way busy right now and kind of contrived to boot.

So... you've got kind of a conflicting thing going on with his reading Hagakure and the presentation of him as a noble and honourable samurai type guy and then you have this bit about him only ever showing dark humour or sarcasm. Hagakure kind makes a really big deal about how it is good an honourable to honest and polite at all times, regardless of whom you are facing. I find it hard to get behind the notion of someone who essentially lives by this book being sarcastic or using macabre humour, it's just not what Hagakure is about. You also say he's blunt which, again, contradicts the notion of him relying on sarcasm or humour to veil his emotions. Can you even be blunt while being emotionally distant? Surely that's a kind of contradiction in terms.

Second; you have this female character who apparently meant the world to him but you haven't even given her a name. That's just... kind of sloppy I guess? Also, it seems weird that this doesn't seem to have effected him all that much due to him being distracted by the whole avenge my parents thing.

Third; How do you grow up in the outskirts of Sector 8 in isolation from everything else? Assuming that Eden moves out from Sector 1, no matter how you envisage the make up of the Sectors, 8 is always going to kind of be slap bang in the middle of it. This is a city that's inside a constantly expanding bubble, there is no "outskirts," because the edge of the city is always exactly defined by how much of the blasted wasteland outside has been reclaimed. You need to explain this better and come with a better explanation as to how he grew up in near isolation than just "because," Also it is here you mentioned him learning to shoot. I'm assuming you mean laser weapons because chemical weapons like conventional firearms are banned in Eden.

You don't give us any real background into who his parents were or why they might have been killed so it just feels like an attempt to inject needless drama into a very weak character.

So... here's the thing, did you see what I said in Wyld's character analysis? That his character wasn't just another stoic warrior motivated by revenge and how that was really played out? That is exactly what you have done here.

I don't think this is necessarily a bad character. However, since I know nothing about how good a writer you are beyond this bio you might be perfectly capable of writing this very well, I can only say that you have done yourself no favours with this premise. This character is essentially two dimensional, made of clichés and has very little material to him that engages me.

You could write the whole anachronistic samurai thing in Eden pretty well, it'd be an interesting area to explore how moral values have shifted in a thousand years and it would provide a lot of fun and simple conflict with other characters. So... by all means stick with this, but I would recommend you take a good hard look at what you've created here before continuing.

You're great at these, you know that?

You should do one for me.

Or have you already?

*goes to check*

[Nik Hasta]

You're great at these, you know that?

You should do one for me.

Or have you already?

*goes to check*

Thank you, I like to think I've got a good mind for character analysis.

I don't think I've done one for you... I could do one now if you'd like.

[Froggy]

You're great at these, you know that?

You should do one for me.

Or have you already?

*goes to check*

he already did Chrosis

I thnk you were like the first he did

[Sol M]

Thank you, I like to think I've got a good mind for character analysis.

Yeah, your dissection makes for a good read as well as providing food for thought.

And those aren't even my characters, or even, in some cases, characters whose bio I had read before your analysis.

[Nik Hasta]

he already did Chrosis

I thnk you were like the first he did

Your memory is better than mine clearly. I don't even remember.

Yeah, your dissection makes for a good read as well as providing food for thought.

And those aren't even my characters, or even, in some cases, characters whose bio I had read before your analysis.

Glad I am providing interesting points of view to the community.

[Froggy]

Your memory is better than mine clearly. I don't even remember.



Glad I am providing interesting points of view to the community.

My mental game is top notch broseph

no one can mess wittt meeeeeeeee

[Cthulhu_of_R'yleh]

Thank you, I like to think I've got a good mind for character analysis.

I don't think I've done one for you... I could do one now if you'd like.

Lord have mercy. You're pretty damn good at this.

And looking at what you've pointed out. It's obvious I need to make some changes

[Nik Hasta]

My mental game is top notch broseph

no one can mess wittt meeeeeeeee

Only Pete is superior.

Lord have mercy. You're pretty damn good at this.

And looking at what you've pointed out. It's obvious I need to make some changes

I'm glad I didn't come across as unnecessarily harsh. I have been told that I can be quite crushing if I'm not careful. I hope these changes will produce something really good! :D

[Ghost]

Not sure how rich you could become being a sword maker though, especially one based in Sector 13. Rich people aren't going to buy your swords because you're from the other side of the tracks.

Actually, I doubt the upper class cares who make their swords - what they'll care about is having the best. If these swords are the best in the city, then he's going to be able to charge appropriately. Besides, its not like any of the city factories are going to be located in Sector 1 - all actual production will still be done in the industrial areas by working class people living in the poorer sectors, while the rich people just own the companies. Only this company happens to be owned by a guy who somehow managed to work himself up on sheer entrepreneurship, and for whatever reason hasn't bothered to move to the fancy part of town.

[Ghost]

It's entirely possible to be blunt while emotionally distant. Being blunt is just about getting straight to the point without bothering about being polite and such.

That said, being blunt while being sarcastic and/or darkly humorous is...not all that possible.

Hold on. How is "being sarkastic" and "being straight to the point without bothering with politeness" mutually exclusive? I'm pretty sure I've seen those two used at the same time.

[Froggy]

Only Pete is superior.



I'm glad I didn't come across as unnecessarily harsh. I have been told that I can be quite crushing if I'm not careful. I hope these changes will produce something really good! :D

this is true and I do not deny it

Pete is next level

[Siriel]

Hold on. How is "being sarkastic" and "being straight to the point without bothering with politeness" mutually exclusive? I'm pretty sure I've seen those two used at the same time.

Sarcasm, as I understand it, is used to mock people, usually with a statement that frames their opinion in a way that seems ridiculous.
While sarcasm is rarely polite and usually leads to a fairly obvious conclusion, it doesn't do it by directly stating a fact.

For example:
A is trying to open a mysterious door. B thinks this is stupid.

Sarcasm:
"I'm sure nothing wrong can come from opening a door that might lead to something that will kill us all."

Blunt:
"Opening that door is a stupid idea."

[Cthulhu_of_R'yleh]

I'm glad I didn't come across as unnecessarily harsh. I have been told that I can be quite crushing if I'm not careful. I hope these changes will produce something really good! :D

Not at all You were to the point, and pointed out things I had completely overlooked. It was needed.

[Cleric of Hell's Brigade]

If you want to Nik, you can examine my NPC's as well. I know several are bare bones, but have at them if you wish.