Downtown Khazan: The Restaurant At The End Of The Omniverse

[Sub-Zero MKA]

We've also got some great non-swear words to describe people too - git, pillock, prat, wazzock, berk, plonker, numpty.

*jots those down as well*

OH ho, she'll sound like an authentic brit in no time flat

[Omegalith]

I also like spanner. Knob-jockey is quite fun as well.

Plus I have the occasional habit of busting out really archaic references to the works Geoffrey Williams, such as calling someone a "Tzoon!"

I tried training myself to take Crom's name in vain due to constantly saying "god" and "Jesus" seeming a little out of place coming from an Atheist.

Somehow this morphed into Crimmeny-Crom without me intending it to, so I occasionally say "For Crimmeny-Crom's sake!"

I find the verbal tic somewhat irritating, but thankfully it's pretty rare.

[Beadle]

"Muppet" is often used as well.

As in "Yeah, he's a nice bloke but he can be a proper muppet."

[mcgaffer]

How did I forget bell-end? Especially considering I shouted it at somebody yesterday.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. We Brits have a unique ability to turn any word into an insult.

[Omegalith]

We Brits have a unique ability to turn any word into an insult.

Teeth off, you lavender anvil.

[FarBeyondC]

Is it sad that I find the stories generated by this site superior to the stories in many current rpgs?

[Sharpandpointies]

Unless they're French, Canadians really aren't terribly imaginative at insults. Or good at it.

[mcgaffer]

Lavender anvil, we have to keep that one.

[Omegalith]

Is it sad that I find the stories generated by this site superior to the stories in many current rpgs?

After a brief CGI introduction you begin the game as Scaar T'shu, a young punk living in the slums beneath a major Galactic colony. You were raised on the streets, and always hoped for something more from life. One morning, you awake to find that your city is under attack from heavily-armed space marines. You valiantly try to defend your home, but there are simply too many of them. You are forced to flee or you will certainly die from the enemy onslaught. With the help of a roguish smuggler with a heart of gold and a relatively lenient tutorial level you manage to fight your way to safety, but you can only watch as your home is torn apart.

Desperate for answers, you and the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold decide that the best course of action would be to travel to your father's homeworld. You head out immediately, battling a few small groups of gun-toting cyborgs along the way. Luckily none of them seem to be too much trouble and in a short time you arrive at your father's homeworld a few Experience Points richer.

You share your story with the Federated Congress, who listens with great interest. After hearing your tale and receiving a strange vision from the heavens it becomes clear that you, Scaar T'shu, are the Chosen One mentioned in an ancient prophecy; the one who will either bring lasting peace to the galaxy... or tear it apart. Next, the Federated Congress informs you that the attack on your home was not a random event, but rather that the heavily-armed space marines were actually looking to eliminate you before you could realize your destiny and the role you will play in shaping the future of the galaxy.

Then the Federated Congress informs you that a rogue space marine detachment has acquired some sort of advanced alien technology and will now stop at nothing to conquer the galaxy. Currently, the insane space marine Captain is searching for four mysterious orbs that, according to legend, will make him and his forces completely unstoppable. Of course, the Federated Congress says that you and the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold are the only ones capable of stopping this evil force. Motivated by hatred for those who destroyed your home, you agree to seek out the four orbs and claim them before they fall into the insane space marine Captain's hands. Once you have them in your possession, you can bring them back to your father's homeworld and the Federated Congress will seal them away forever. To assist you in your mission, the Federated Congress introduces you to a sassy female Galactic Navy officer who will aid you on your epic quest. Ready for action, you gear up and head out immediately in a mid-sized starship.

Your search for the first orb takes you to a network of long forgotten mountain caves, where you fight through waves of rock monsters and giant spiders before finally battling a giant fire-breathing red dragon named Valhalpazar. Along the way, you stop by the home of a dark mage who shoots lightning out of his fingers who tells you that he is looking for some sort of spell component for a potion he is making. You manage to find the component for him and in exchange for your help, he agrees to join you in your mission.

With the first boss defeated, your ever-growing party visits a space station where you upgrade some of your weapons and equipment and take a trip to a seedy local bar. Inside, you see a weird super-strong alien warrior who's smarter than he looks sitting at a table challenging all comers to a test of strength. Intrigued by the prospect of adding a character such as him to your party, you slip on your newly acquired Ring of Strength +5 and step up to the table. Using the ring, you are easily able to win the match. Impressed by your display of raw power, the weird super-strong alien warrior who's smarter than he looks decides to aid you in your quest.

After outfitting your team with as many upgrades and healing items as you can afford, you then head off to the great ice floe of Krazir where you face some frost spirits and stronger giant spiders. The second orb is guarded by an ice-breathing white dragon. After some difficulty, you emerge victorious from this encounter.

As you leave this realm, you come across a talented teenage computer hacker who has been captured by monsters and is currently being held in their small makeshift camp. You mount a daring rescue, killing all of the beasts and finally freeing him. In exchange for your help, he agrees to join up with you.

With two of the five orbs in your possession, you set off to continue your mission. However, before you can get far, your entire party is ambushed and surrounded by a huge group of super-sized fire-breathing insects. Just when things seems bleak, a notorious gang of corporate saboteurs shows up and joins the battle, turning the tide in your favor. You thank them for their help and after hearing your story their leader, a clever rogue adept at bypassing electronic security systems, decides to join you and help you complete your mission.

With your party now complete, you venture to another space station to replenish your supply of healing potions and learn a few new spells for your magic-using characters. At a nearby bar you encounter a well-meaning spice trader who apparently got himself into a little bit of trouble with a local group of thugs. Talking to him opens up an exciting open-ended side quest where you can either help him solve his problems or sell him out for some extra cash. Being the evil bastard that you are, you of course decide to take the spice trader's money, kill him and then kill the guys that were trying to get the money from him and take their money as well. This quest is simple and ultimately pointless, but for all you know it could have far-reaching potential to the outcome of your story. You encounter a couple more strikingly similar moral dilemmas along the way, but eventually stop caring enough to waste your time listening to everyone's problems.

You continue your quest for the mysterious orb, this time journeying to a fortified hold located high above the tree tops, where hordes of heavily-armed tribal lizard-man warriors and the vicious Spider Queen are waiting for you. At first these stronger enemies beat your ass, forcing you to return to the World Map to try and raise your Experience by slaughtering some less-powerful enemy Mechs. However, in your aimless wandering you also come across a Stunning Sniper Rifle of Disease +5 in a super-secret hidden treasure chest, which helps you even the odds and recover the third orb with little difficulty.

As soon as you take possession of the third orb, you are shown a brief cutscene where your party is confronted by the sadistic space marine sergeant, who was sent by the insane space marine Captain to take the orbs from you. There is a brief battle, and you are able to defeat him far more easily than you would have expected to. However, he is merely wounded and escapes the battle with some witty banter about how he'll be ready for you next time.

[Omegalith]

Unfazed by your encounter, your party pushes on to find the final orb, this time journeying to an asteroid base on the outskirts of the Vega system. There you encounter the out-of-control automated base defense systems before a confrontation with a hostile mutated alien life form that has taken over the facility and killed the crew there. This level is incredibly difficult and insanely long, but you eventually manage to get through it. With all the orbs in your possession, you set out for the enemy Capital to kill the insane space marine Captain and complete your quest for vengeance.

During your journey, you've managed to make small talk with your party members and at various bars and space stations throughout the galaxy you've been able to complete small mini-quests for the sassy female Galactic Navy officer, the dark mage who shoots lightning out of his fingers, the weird super-strong alien warrior who's smarter than he looks, the talented teenage computer hacker and the clever rogue adept at bypassing electronic security systems that have ultimately made their lives complete and made them completely loyal to you and your cause. After the last level though, you are given a touching cut-scene where the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold finally professes his undying love for you. Before you can return the sentiment though, your ship comes under attack from the forces of the sadistic space marine sergeant. Your team scrambles to fight off the invaders, but you're hopelessly outnumbered and forced to surrender when the sadistic space marine sergeant takes the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold hostage and threatens to kill his if you don't throw down your weapons.

Several heavily-armed space marines surround your party as the sadistic space marine sergeant demands you hand over the mysterious orbs. Despite the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold's protest, you do so. When you hand them over the sadistic space marine sergeant gloats, 'My master will be pleased you were able to find these for him'. When questioned about the items, he tells you that since you're going to die anyways, he'll let you in on what's going on. The mysterious orbs are actually going to be used to resurrect an Ancient Evil Sorcerer. Once the Sorcerer has been summoned, the insane space marine Captain plans to use his powerful dark magic to steal his soul and absorb his power, thus making the insane space marine Captain virtually invincible. Having divulged this incredibly unpredictable plot twist to you, the sadistic space marine sergeant then takes the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold and escapes with him while ordering the assembled heavily-armed space marines to destroy you. You are attacked, but after a difficult battle you manage to defeat them all. Unfortunately, the sadistic space marine sergeant is long gone.


Once you have finished off the heavily-armed space marines, your attention turns to saving the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold and stopping the insane space marine Captain before he can complete his nefarious plot. Luckily, the dark mage who shoots lightning out of his fingers is well versed in the legend of the Ancient Sorcerer. The dark mage who shoots lightning out of his fingers informs you that the Ancient Sorcerer terrorized the galaxy 1,000 years ago, but was finally defeated by a group of noble heroes who used a fabled weapon known as the Super Shotgun to slay him. You decide to find this weapon before going after the insane space marine Captain directly, in case you end up having to deal with the Ancient Sorcerer as well.

Your search for the Super Shotgun takes you to an ancient temple on a lifeless planet, the weapon's last known resting place. You journey there and are met by numerous spirits of long-dead warriors sworn to protect the weapon, which you must defeat before battling the weapon's guardian, a the ghost of a forgotten hero sworn to ensure the weapon does not fall into unworthy hands. After an intense fight, you emerge with the Super Shotgun.

At long last you set out for the enemy Capital and your final confrontation with the insane space marine Captain. From the moment you arrive, you must wade into hordes of heavily-armed space marines, mowing them down with the Super Shotgun and the fact that you're at least thirty experience levels and twenty hours of gameplay more powerful than you were when you first faced them. Tense action music is playing as you slaughter the ones responsible for the destruction of your home and head towards the ultimate final duel.

After clearing several rooms, you are once again face-to-face with the sadistic space marine sergeant. After a terse dialogue, the two of you square off one-on-one. You notice that he has new abilities and is way more powerful than the first time you faced him. You are taken off-guard at first, and are really getting a beat down. However, as things are looking bleak you cast the spell Fireball and incinerate the sadistic space marine sergeant. You then quickly go on the offensive and use the Super Shotgun to obliterate him.

With the sadistic space marine sergeant dead, you rescue the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold and the two of you are reunited. However, there is no time to waste... you rush through the final door and face the insane space marine Captain, who has already begun to resurrect the Ancient Sorcerer. Upset at seeing your entrance, the insane space marine Captain decides to finally deal with you once and for all. Your team squares off against this threat and after a difficult battle against an incredibly powerful enemy capable of killing your weakest party member in about two hits, you manage to emerge victorious.

However, there's no time for celebration. After a brief respite to heal your characters, there is a cutscene where the insane space marine Captain uses his last bit of energy to complete the resurrection ritual, bringing back the Ancient Sorcerer! You're then thrown headfirst into an INSANE boss battle, where the Sorcerer uses all sorts of crazy spells and powers against you. Explosions, lightning, fire and all kinds of stuff are flying all around the place and shaking the entire board, but ultimately you are able to use the power of the Super Shotgun to defeat the Sorcerer in all four of his various humongous forms and seize control of the galaxy for yourself, fulfilling your destiny as the Chosen One. You are rewarded with a pre-rendered full-motion CGI video showing you absorbing the soul and power of the Sorcerer and transforming into a demigod ready to crush all those who dare oppose you.

THE END

Huh, not too bad for randomly generated.

[Beadle]

How did I forget bell-end? Especially considering I shouted it at somebody yesterday.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. We Brits have a unique ability to turn any word into an insult.

I tend to use "Arsebiscuits" as a general expletive.

Someone once asked me for the recipe.....

I've also been fond of "Cackrabbits".

Lavender anvil is good.

"Go ripen yourself, you pastry-polisher."

See? It's fun. Anyone can do it.

[Nik Hasta]

A good general oath I use a lot is "Tits and vinegar!"

[Omegalith]

I'm glad lavender anvil, a phrase I invented off the top of my head a few minutes ago, is getting such positive feedback.

I like the sound of "You primrose popinjay!" or "You prismatic pissant!"

[Farealmer]

For those who know of it, how does CBR feel about Planescape?

[Omegalith]

For those who know of it, how does CBR feel about Planescape?

I love the Great Wheel setting and it's various planar races. Non-evil aligned outsiders could do with more attention to straighten them out properly though.

Sigilians are pretty much elitist jerks who think the multiverse revolves around them just because they live in a city that the multiverse literally revolves around.