Downtown Khazan: The Restaurant At The End Of The Omniverse

[Omegalith]

Maybe he meant the WoD setting. With Caine and stuff.

Or from Zelda. Gotta get the Moon Pearl if you don't want to be stuck as a rabbit!

Though Twilight Princess Link got to be a Wolf. Guess some guys are just luckier with their spirit animals than others.

[Omegalith]

Hrmm... This guy keeps saying "I'm Doctor Strange", and his origin story consists of an accident ruining his hand.

Did Marvel retcon him again while I wasn't looking?

[Siriel]

I take it falling into the Dark World is supposed to be a bad thing but hasn't, like, everyone who ended up in that place managed to find a way out somehow?

Those people were not amnesiac, unconscious and currently powerless.

And if by 'everyone', you mean...Mickey, Sora and Riku, then sure. Mickey found his way out by beating up everything he met and having a teleportation artifact, Sora and Riku were rescued by the Door of Light.

Aqua and DiZ are still there. Aqua has been stuck there for over a decade.

[Miburohunter929]

Those people were not amnesiac, unconscious and currently powerless.

And if by 'everyone', you mean...Mickey, Sora and Riku, then sure. Mickey found his way out by beating up everything he met and having a teleportation artifact, Sora and Riku were rescued by the Door of Light.

Aqua and DiZ are still there. Aqua has been stuck there for over a decade.

It would make more sense if Aqua was a man, since if she was a man, she'd rather die than ask for directions.

[Ghost]

Those people were not amnesiac, unconscious and currently powerless.

And if by 'everyone', you mean...Mickey, Sora and Riku, then sure. Mickey found his way out by beating up everything he met and having a teleportation artifact, Sora and Riku were rescued by the Door of Light.

Aqua and DiZ are still there. Aqua has been stuck there for over a decade.

DiZ made it out, though, didn't he? Dude was in KH2.

So anyway, Aqua's still alive?

[Omegalith]

It would make more sense if Aqua was a man, since if she was a man, she'd rather die than ask for directions.

Fun fact: I once walked from Paisley Town Centre to Braehead out of stuborness.

...That probably means nothing to you guys though.

[Miburohunter929]

DiZ made it out, though, didn't he? Dude was in KH2.

So anyway, Aqua's still alive?

He ended up there again post KH2

[Omegalith]

Fun fact: I once walked from Paisley Town Centre to Braehead out of stuborness.

...That probably means nothing to you guys though.

No wait, Google Maps shows exactly the route I took.

I was trying to get somewhere in Paisley a few streets from where I started, for context.

[mailedbypostman1]

No wait, Google Maps shows exactly the route I took.

I was trying to get somewhere in Paisley a few streets from where I started, for context.

Ogar told me of this.

[Siriel]

Siriel's Guide to Kingdom Hearts, Part 3: Kingdom Hearts
Or: Friendship Actually Does Give You Power

Kingdom Hearts takes place ten years after BBS, a lot happened in the background, but more on that in KH 2.

Important Terms Unique To Kingdom Hearts:

Princesses of Hearts (Not actually unique to this game, but most relevant)
Seven maidens whose hearts are entirely light without a single trace of darkness. They are unique in this because they absolutely cannot be tainted by darkness, even when travelling through it. Not actually all princesses.
They are: Alice, Snow White, Jasmine, Belle, Cinderella, Aurora and Kairi.
Keyblade of People's Hearts
The Keyblade of People's Hearts is a unique Keyblade forged from the hearts of the seven princesses of Hearts. It possesses the power to unlock the final Keyhole.
The Final Keyhole
A portal that leads directly to Kingdom Hearts, located in the center of Hollow Bastion (the world formerly known as Radiant Garden.)
If opened improperly, it will instead open on the Door to Darkness
Door to Darkness
A door that leads directly to the World of Darkness. It is sealed by an incredible amount of Light.
End of the World
A 'world' near the entrance of the World of Darkness, contains the remnants of worlds swallowed by Darkness. Has a really awesome theme music.

1 - Good Guys

Sora - The Keyblade's Chosen One, main character, very friendly, loves cheesy speeches (to the point that Disney characters call him out on it). Has a crush on Kairi and hides it very badly.
Kairi - A girl who washed up on Destiny Island one day (from Radiant Garden when it fell into darkness), one of the seven princesses of hearts. Doesn't recall her past. Sora has a crush on her. She is taken by Riku as proof of the existence of an outside world.
Riku - Sora's best friend. Heir to Terra's keyblade, but fucks it up by being seduced by darkness a day before he would have gotten it. Desperately wants to get out of Destiny Islands because it is apparently boring as hell. His vaguely-remembered meeting with Terra and Kairi's mysterious origins push this drive for freedom into an obsession. He is also an asshole to fight and is consistently one of the hardest bosses of the series whenever you fight him - which is often.

Final Fantasy Characters - A bunch of FF characters. Help out by giving information. Squall and Cloud make for fairly entertaining boss fights.
Disney Characters - lots of them. Don't do much.

Mickey - Now a Keyblade Master and the King of a world whose name I forgot. Doesn't show up in this game until the last cutscene because he's too busy single-handedly holding the line against the World of Darkness, the Heartless you fight are just those that gets past him.

2 - Bad Guys

Riku - See above. Gets manipulated first by Maleficient, then by Ansem.
Maleficient - The only Disney villain of real importance to the plot. Having learned about the Seven Princesses of Hearts from Xehanort back in BBS, she is now seeking to capture them. Controls the Heartless through darkness (or so she thinks).
Ansem, The Seeker of DARKNESS! - Possibly the hammiest character to ever over-act in a videogame, manages to outham everyone in the series. His voice is pretty much pure awesome and DARKNESS! He speaks almost entirely in either monologues or one-liners. He also manages to fit DARKNESS! in every other sentence.
Main villain of the game who told the Heartless to listen to Maleficient. Is himself the Heartless of Xehanort/Terra, more details on that come KH2. He took the name of Ansem for...some reason. Usually referred to as either Ansem, Seeker of Darkness, Ansem SoD or similar by fans to avoid confusion.
Notable for being the only Heartless to maintain both his original form (with minor changes) and a sense of self. Plans to hijack Riku's body to be able to fully manifest in the World of Light.

Disney Villains - A group assembled by Maleficient to capture the Princesses. They each have their personality from their original movies. Most die.

What Happens

- Sora, Riku and Kairi are getting ready to leave the island by raft. This is a stupid idea (Raft VS Ocean?), but then Riku is never really a logical kind of guy.
Sora has a weird dream in which he gets the Keyblade and fights a Darkside (giant Heartless), doesn't have the Keyblade on waking up.
Ominous Guy In A Cloak gives a Dramatic Monologue to Sora about how "One who knows nothing can understand nothing". You'd think this guy was the main villain, except he doesn't appear for the next fifteen hours. (Spoiler: He is the main villain.)
Riku, tired of being on the same island every day, opens the Door of Destiny Island through some unknown mean. (possibly helped by Ansem)
Heartless flood the island, Sora awakens the Keyblade. Riku gives an ominous speech on how "The Door has opened" and "There is no going back". Riku is swallowed by darkness. It's a really cool scene.
Sora fights a Darkside for real. eventually finds Kairi, but she turns immaterial and fades into him. That's sort of weird.
World is completely consumed by Darkness.

- Sora wakes up in Traverse Town, a 'central' world where people whose worlds are consumed but who they themselves aren't consumed wake up. Heartless and Keyblades are explained to him by FF characters there.
Sora meets Donald and Goofy, who were searching for the 'keyblade master' on orders from Mickey. They agree to save the worlds and find Mickey together. Thus the trio of Sora, Donald, Goofy (in that exact order. Always.) is created.

- Sora travels to various worlds, meeting Disney characters. Riku is encountered a few times and he is obviously being manipulated by Maleficient.
A sub-plot has Sora and co searching for Ansem the Wise, a man who researched the Heartless and would know how to best fight them. They do find a few "Ansem Reports", but the writer seems to be a bad guy. Strange that.

- They get to Hollow Bastion to fight Maleficient, who is clearly the main badguy and not this 'Ansem' fellow. Maleficient has captured six of the seven princesses.
Riku steals Sora's Keyblades (Something normally impossible because the Keyblade teleports back to it's owner's hands) and reveal that he was supposed to get it in the first place. Donald and Goofy shamefully follow him on the King's order.
Beast shows up to save the day, by escorting Sora through the castle. When they get to Riku, Sora gives The Friendship Speech and reclaims the Keyblade after Donald and Goofy rejoin him. Riku fights them, loses and runs away.
The group finally fights Maleficient.
Then Riku apparently betrays Maleficient by having her be consumed by darkness with the Keyblade of People's Hearts which he got offscreen.
Ansem, SEEKER OF DARKNESS reveals himself to have been possessing Riku ever since he lost the first fight against Sora. (so about an hour of gameplay)
The possessed Riku proceeds to make thousands of players ragequit when they fight him for the second time as he has acquired the power of 'invulnerability frames', 'teleportation' and 'retardedly damaging dash spam that cannot be interrupted'.
It is explained that Kairi is the last princess, and that her heart has been hiding in Sora for the entire game. Sora ends up using the Keyblade of People's Hearts to free her heart, conveniently completing Ansem's plan for him and turning himself into a Heartless. He retains his sense of self but not his form.
Ansem tries to use this opportunity to murder everyone, but Riku's heart stops him.
- After much running away, Kairi ends up turning Sora back into a human form. He is, however, still technically a Heartless - the distinction is important for future games.
- Sora, Donald and Goofy proceed through the End of the World to fight Ansem who has since discarded Riku's heart. The fight takes like an hour with no savepoints and roughly seven different forms. Fortunately, the music is amazing.
- Ansem proceeds to declare that he is beyond this 'gameplay' business, and opens the Door to Darkness in a cutscene.
He is promptly zorched to death by the light that was sealing the door. (Xehanort really ought to research these things more thoroughly, that's twice now!)
Unfortunately, open the door he did. And now Sora, Donald and Goofy must close it before the Heartless show up. It doesn't work until Riku and Mickey arrive from the other side (that's where Riku got banished) and help them close it.
- Kairi is returned to Destiny Island, Sora goes off looking for Riku and the King along with Donald and Goofy.

Game Ends.

Next time:

Kingdom Hearts - Chain of Memories.

[Siriel]

DiZ made it out, though, didn't he? Dude was in KH2.

Yes, it's also the reason why he's pretty insane at first.

So anyway, Aqua's still alive?

Sadly, yes. The secret cutscene from BBS has her meet DiZ in the World of Darkness.

[Omegalith]

Ogar told me of this.

Ogar speaks only lies.

Dude actually collects those crappy rip-off "My Lovely Horse" toys.

[Siriel]

My interpretation was that Ventus waking up prevented Vanitas from repairing the X-Blade, though. I mean, it seems to me that Aqua got that right, out of everything else she screwed up.

The problem with that is that it implies that the most powerful weapon in the universe is somehow easier to break than Riku's wooden sword.

Also, it would mean that Aqua actually accomplished something good. And that breaks my suspension of disbelief.

[Omegalith]

Plans to hijack Riku's body

Because that plan worked so well for him the first time. Oh wait, amnesia. Right.

Seems a little odd that they'd turn the main character into the same sort of creature of darkness as the final boss guy.

I could swear I've seen that "I've been hiding inside you the whole time!" plot twist somewhere before.

[Sharkerbob]

Siriel, I demand you compile all these parts into a document of some sort and allow a downloading of the completed copy!