Where Bifrost touches land upon fabled Asgard, the All-Father Odin and his adopted son Loki stood. Odin was sighing wearily, gazing down at the ground. This area, like the ports, bus depots and airports of typical Midgardian cities, was highly disreputable. Seedy inns charging five copper pieces an hour, adult scrying pool and magic mirror booths, taverns stinking of sour ale, drunken Asgardian lowlives and rock trolls all dotted the landscape immediately behind steadfast Heimdall.
“Loki – thy treachery, thy gall, ‘tis – ‘tis…”
“Ah ah, my liege. ‘Twas not I who involved the Realm Eternal in these ‘Traitor Games’. Thou art bound to attend this meeting and comply with our guest’s request.”
But before Odin could continue his reprimand, all of a sudden both gods witnessed an enormous Midgardian vessel known as a blimp suddenly bursting into view. Heimdall was knocked on his back due to the sheer rude raw intrusion of the blimp. It then hovered above in a holding pattern.
“ENERGIZE!” a shrill commanding voice could be heard coming from the blimp. All of a sudden, in a flash of teleportation, appeared:
“VELL, DONALD TRUMP?”
“Eh? Thou dost dare to address me in such a – “
“SILENCE! YOU ARE OLD UND HAVE MUCH BACK FAT! YOU CAN BE QUICKLY AUF’D IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE! I AM EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF ZE TRAITOR GAME AVARDS, UND I DEMAND AN APPROPRIATE VENUE FOR ZE EVENT! ‘VIT A COMPLEMENTARY COAT CHECK!”
“*Ahem* - Froiken Klum, thou wouldst be advised to be respectful when addressing the King of Asgard,” Loki interjected.
“I SAID SILENCE! AS TRUMP’S ADOPTED BABY, YOU ARE AN UGLY FASHION-BACKWARDS ACCESSORY! IT IS BAD ENOUGH I MUST BE HERE IN ATLANTIC CITY – I HATE NEW JERSEY! YOUR PEOPLE HAVE CONSTANTLY INTERFERED WITH MEIN SPECIAL FASHION CORRESPONDENTS! I HAVE LOST INVALUABLE HOURS OF FREE LABOR, UND ZE DEAL YOU BROKERED ‘VIT ME STANDS! YOU VILL PROVIDE A SPACE FOR ZE AVARDS, IN ZIS VERY LOCATION, FOR I DO NOT VISH TO TRAVEL FURTHER INTO YOUR LAND OF TACKY GOLD PLATED CASINOS, TRUMP!”
Mouth agape, Odin prepared to reply…
“I-I be not named Donald Tru - very well – there be several establishments in this vicinity…”
“NEIN! I DEMAND VONE LARGE STRUCTURE UND A FREE COATCHECK!”
Odin sighed. Engaging the vast energies of the Odinforce, he mystically scoured all of Midgard, for an events facility, one with a special affinity to the Norse. He settled on one such place, found in Minneapolis Minnesota. With a grand gesture, the Mall of America, home of the Minnesota Vikings (who were currently at practice), found itself enveloped in a staggering wash of Kirby-dotted energy….
Only to reappear several hundred feet above Asgard’s low-rent “Port Authority” district! Everyone in the area heard the distinct whistling sound of an enormous overhead object hurtling to the ground, as well as a mystic projection in their heads by the All-Father: “CLEARETH THE AREA! REPEAT: CLEARETH THE AREA! THIS BE NOT A TEST!”
Soon, a massive wave of rock trolls, dark elves, drunken Aesir and Vanir and tavern strumpets stampeded away in a panic, just in time, too, as the Mall of America crash landed with a thunderous boom and flattened all the huts and halls immediately below it!
When the dust settled, Heidi Klum said, “JA, TRUMP, ZIS VILL DO.”
“By Ymir’s Breath – wilt thou leave now?” Odin asked, vexed and perplexed.
“I VILL RETIRE TO MEIN BLIMP, BACK-FAT, FOR YOUR ATLANTIC CITY UND YOUR GOLD PLATED CASINOES MAKE ME VOMIT! BUT YOU VILL ENSURE SEAMLESS EVENT MANAGEMENT SERVICES! VONE MISSPELLED NAME TAG, VONE POORLY ARRANGED VIP SEATING CHART, VONE AUDIOVISUAL MALFUNKSHUN, UND YOU VILL BE AUF’D! I AM EIN SUPERMODEL UND MUST BE OBEYED – VAS?”
In the middle of her rant, Heidi’s eye caught one lone figure amidst the fleeing throng, clad in nothing but a ratty rough towel….
“AHA! BO! COME BACK AT VONCE! BO!” and she sprinted off after her fleeing werewolf ‘special fashion correspondant’.
“LOKI.” Odin turned to his adopted son and muttered through gritted teeth.
“A-Aye, my liege?” Loki trembled slightly awaiting the All-Father’s wrath….
“I suppose ‘tis too late for thee to start a Ragnarok Cycle before the Awards commence, to put the Realm Eternal out of this dire misery?”
***special thanks to Indigo Al who wrote this***