The Fourth Annual Traitor Game Awards Show

[Tommy]

Where Bifrost touches land upon fabled Asgard, the All-Father Odin and his adopted son Loki stood. Odin was sighing wearily, gazing down at the ground. This area, like the ports, bus depots and airports of typical Midgardian cities, was highly disreputable. Seedy inns charging five copper pieces an hour, adult scrying pool and magic mirror booths, taverns stinking of sour ale, drunken Asgardian lowlives and rock trolls all dotted the landscape immediately behind steadfast Heimdall.



“Loki – thy treachery, thy gall, ‘tis – ‘tis…”

“Ah ah, my liege. ‘Twas not I who involved the Realm Eternal in these ‘Traitor Games’. Thou art bound to attend this meeting and comply with our guest’s request.”

But before Odin could continue his reprimand, all of a sudden both gods witnessed an enormous Midgardian vessel known as a blimp suddenly bursting into view. Heimdall was knocked on his back due to the sheer rude raw intrusion of the blimp. It then hovered above in a holding pattern.

“ENERGIZE!” a shrill commanding voice could be heard coming from the blimp. All of a sudden, in a flash of teleportation, appeared:



“VELL, DONALD TRUMP?”

“Eh? Thou dost dare to address me in such a – “

“SILENCE! YOU ARE OLD UND HAVE MUCH BACK FAT! YOU CAN BE QUICKLY AUF’D IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE! I AM EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF ZE TRAITOR GAME AVARDS, UND I DEMAND AN APPROPRIATE VENUE FOR ZE EVENT! ‘VIT A COMPLEMENTARY COAT CHECK!”

“*Ahem* - Froiken Klum, thou wouldst be advised to be respectful when addressing the King of Asgard,” Loki interjected.

“I SAID SILENCE! AS TRUMP’S ADOPTED BABY, YOU ARE AN UGLY FASHION-BACKWARDS ACCESSORY! IT IS BAD ENOUGH I MUST BE HERE IN ATLANTIC CITY – I HATE NEW JERSEY! YOUR PEOPLE HAVE CONSTANTLY INTERFERED WITH MEIN SPECIAL FASHION CORRESPONDENTS! I HAVE LOST INVALUABLE HOURS OF FREE LABOR, UND ZE DEAL YOU BROKERED ‘VIT ME STANDS! YOU VILL PROVIDE A SPACE FOR ZE AVARDS, IN ZIS VERY LOCATION, FOR I DO NOT VISH TO TRAVEL FURTHER INTO YOUR LAND OF TACKY GOLD PLATED CASINOS, TRUMP!”

Mouth agape, Odin prepared to reply…

“I-I be not named Donald Tru - very well – there be several establishments in this vicinity…”

“NEIN! I DEMAND VONE LARGE STRUCTURE UND A FREE COATCHECK!”

Odin sighed. Engaging the vast energies of the Odinforce, he mystically scoured all of Midgard, for an events facility, one with a special affinity to the Norse. He settled on one such place, found in Minneapolis Minnesota. With a grand gesture, the Mall of America, home of the Minnesota Vikings (who were currently at practice), found itself enveloped in a staggering wash of Kirby-dotted energy….

Only to reappear several hundred feet above Asgard’s low-rent “Port Authority” district! Everyone in the area heard the distinct whistling sound of an enormous overhead object hurtling to the ground, as well as a mystic projection in their heads by the All-Father: “CLEARETH THE AREA! REPEAT: CLEARETH THE AREA! THIS BE NOT A TEST!”

Soon, a massive wave of rock trolls, dark elves, drunken Aesir and Vanir and tavern strumpets stampeded away in a panic, just in time, too, as the Mall of America crash landed with a thunderous boom and flattened all the huts and halls immediately below it!

When the dust settled, Heidi Klum said, “JA, TRUMP, ZIS VILL DO.”

“By Ymir’s Breath – wilt thou leave now?” Odin asked, vexed and perplexed.

“I VILL RETIRE TO MEIN BLIMP, BACK-FAT, FOR YOUR ATLANTIC CITY UND YOUR GOLD PLATED CASINOES MAKE ME VOMIT! BUT YOU VILL ENSURE SEAMLESS EVENT MANAGEMENT SERVICES! VONE MISSPELLED NAME TAG, VONE POORLY ARRANGED VIP SEATING CHART, VONE AUDIOVISUAL MALFUNKSHUN, UND YOU VILL BE AUF’D! I AM EIN SUPERMODEL UND MUST BE OBEYED – VAS?”

In the middle of her rant, Heidi’s eye caught one lone figure amidst the fleeing throng, clad in nothing but a ratty rough towel….

“AHA! BO! COME BACK AT VONCE! BO!” and she sprinted off after her fleeing werewolf ‘special fashion correspondant’.

“LOKI.” Odin turned to his adopted son and muttered through gritted teeth.

“A-Aye, my liege?” Loki trembled slightly awaiting the All-Father’s wrath….

“I suppose ‘tis too late for thee to start a Ragnarok Cycle before the Awards commence, to put the Realm Eternal out of this dire misery?”

***special thanks to Indigo Al who wrote this***

[Tommy]

You find yourself standing in space, cold blackness encircles you, with tiny pinpricks of light, the stars, shining through it. You look underneath your feet, and are shocked to discover you are standing on light, specifically a rainbow. You’ve been pulled out of space and time and are now standing on something impossible.

You notice ahead of you mountains, oceans, lakes, rivers, and a city, hanging in the night. It is incongruous. An entire continent is just hanging in outer space. You begin to walk towards it, and as you do, you notice fellow travelers on the road. You might be friends with them, you might be enemies, you might know them as celebrities, you might know them as fictional characters. Or you might not know them at all.

The further up, and the further in you get you notice something even weirder. Along this rainbow bridge are people with microphones and news cameras, screaming fans stand alongside it in fenced off sections. You might get pulled aside for an interview and told you are participating in the Traitor Game awards.



As you head towards that glorious golden city, you can’t help but be amazed. It is architecturally impossible. Too glorious to exist. Your mouth hangs open as you approach it, but suddenly, instead of veering towards the wonders of this city, you find yourself headed towards a dull building of concrete and glass. Your disappointment is palpable.

You enter the building, and notice an eclectic mix of people. Some are wearing fantastic, and yet vaguely Scandinavian costumes. These people seem to be very excited, acting like tourists visiting a place for the first time. You also notice people dressed regularly, these people seem to be terrified, most of them hiding in corners. You also notice a large number of professional football players.

Still following the rainbow, it leads you to a massive wooden door. You look up and above the door, warped and twisted and stretched, is a sign saying, “Abercrombie & Fitch.” In front of it is a Teutonic beauty holding a spear.



“No one is allowed entry until the beginning of the ceremony,” she says.
 

[Chris Lang]

In most places, the appearance of what appeared to be a crew of men and women dressed in the garb of pirates, followed by some very strange persons such as the blonde in Amazon garb and the green-skinned man, would have raised a few eyebrows. This, however, was Asgard, where Norse traditions that had long since been considered out of fashion on Midgard were still active.



So Pirate Kitty and the crew of the Shady Cat didn't stand out at all. As usual, Pirate Kitty was accompanied by her loyal companion and true love, Pirate Colossus. Also accompanying them were Belinda Bullington, the ship's second officer and mistress of discipline, and Shallows Waterford, the ship's shantyman and cook.

They were followed by what might well be most of the cast of the Paradise Island Traitor Tale, which some called 'Traitor Tale: Holiday Cheer'. Pirate Kitty wondered for a bit whether 'Holiday' in this case was spelled with one 'l' or two, but she let it slide. Shallows was leading some of the crew in a song.

Roll the Old Chariots Along
(traditional, new lyrics by Chris Lang)

Shallows: Well a night at the Awards shouldn't do us any harm
Crew: Well a night at the awards shouldn't do us any harm
Well a night at the awards shouldn't do us any harm
And we'll all hang on behind her

And we'll roll the old chariot along, we'll roll the old chariot along
We'll roll the old chariot along, and we'll all hang on behind her

Belinda: A nice cask of rum wouldn't do us any harm
Crew: Well a nice cask of rum wouldn't do us any harm
Well a nice cask of rum wouldn't do us any harm
And we'll all hang on behind her

And we'll roll the old chariot along, we'll roll the old chariot along
We'll roll the old chariot along, and we'll all hang on behind her

A crewman who looked like he'd already had too much rum sang the next verse:

A drinking game with Volstagg wouldn't do me any harm
Crew: A drinking game with Volstagg wouldn't do me any harm
A drinking test with Volstagg wouldn't do me any harm
And we'll all hang on behind her

And we'll roll the old chariot along, we'll roll the old chariot along
We'll roll the old chariot along, and we'll all hang on behind her



Belinda retorted, raising her cat-o-nine tails. "Aye, it's all well and good te be getting yerself drunk on shore leave. But when we set sail, ye'd better be ship shape and just sober enough te work!"

Belinda: A nice leather whip wouldn't do ye any harm
Crew: A nice leather whip wouldn't do ye any harm
A nice leather whip wouldn't do ye any harm
And we'll all hang on behind her

Belinda: (Spoken during the following chorus): Except for how it stings a lot, and leaves red marks on yer back. Ye get the idea!

And we'll roll the old chariot along, we'll roll the old chariot along
We'll roll the old chariot along, and we'll all hang on behind her

Pirate Kitty motioned to the crew, and they sang one more chorus.

And we'll roll the old chariot along, we'll roll the old chariot along
We'll roll the old chariot along, and we'll all hang on behind her

"That'll be enough singing for now." Pirate Kitty said. "You might have a chance to sing 'Haul Away Joe' later in the show. For now, we have to remind ourselves this isn't just a shore leave. We're here on business."

Pirate Colossus nodded. "Aye. We have been told this Villainy Inc. may strike here next."

Belinda scowled. "We'll be ready for em."

The blonde Amazon raised her staff. "Are you sure they're going to be here?" Gabrielle asked.

"We have it on good authority." Pirate Kitty replied. "I just hope we haven't been steered wrong."

Shallows spoke up. "In the meantime, we should relax and enjoy ourselves. Mingle with the other guests. Meet new friends, and renew old acquaintances."

[Chris Lang]

"Wait a minute!" a voice from behind them bellowed.



Bowser, king of the Koopas, and his henchwitch Kammy Koopa, arrived on the scene.

"Don't stop singing now! You didn't give me a chance to do MY verse!" Bowser growled.

"That's because you're not part of the crew, nor were you invited to sing with us." Shallows said, surprisingly calmly.

"Let him sing." Pirate Kitty said. "We've already finished, so he can do his version of the song now."

"I'd be surprised if he CAN sing." Belinda grumbled.

Kammy glared. "Lord Bowser happens to be trying out for Mushroom Kingdom's Got Talent. Allow him to demonstrate..."

Bowser smiled. "Right! Now, here's my verse..."

"Winning the Awards wouldn't do me any harm
Winning the Awards wouldn't do me any harm
Winning the awards wouldn't do me any harm
And we'll all hang on behind her

Bowser and Kammy: And we'll roll the old chariot along, we'll roll the old chariot along
We'll roll the old chariot along, and we'll all hang on behind her

The pirate crew all winced at Bowser and Kammy's singing. "I've heard worse singin' than that ..." Belinda muttered. "But I can't remember when."

"But it's the truth!" Bowser bellowed. "We're SURE to win some Traitor Game Awards this time, and there's nothing you can do to stop us!"

It was at this point that a Goomba familiar to those who had attended prior Traitor Game Awards Shows and a few prior Traitor Games arrived.

"Are you at it again, Bowser? You, like, didn't appear in this past year's games, not even as an NPC. So it's totally unlikely you're going to win any awards." Goombella said.

"We'll see about that!" Bowser said. "You're gonna end up eating your words. Bwa ha ha ha!"

"They can't stop us now, your Awardwinningness." Kammy Koopa replied. Bowser and Kammy then wandered off.

Belinda stared for a while, and turned to Goombella. "Are those two like that EVERY year?"

Goombella sighed. "Yeah. Pretty much."

[Indigo Al]

Belinda retorted, raising her cat-o-nine tails. "Aye, it's all well and good te be getting yerself drunk on shore leave. But when we set sail, ye'd better be ship shape and just sober enough te work!"

Belinda: A nice leather whip wouldn't do ye any harm
Crew: A nice leather whip wouldn't do ye any harm
A nice leather whip wouldn't do ye any harm
And we'll all hang on behind her

Belinda: (Spoken during the following chorus): Except for how it stings a lot, and leaves red marks on yer back. Ye get the idea!

"Heyoweeeeoh, heyoo, heyooo! Hullo Ms. Bullington! Fancy teaching a lesson to a very, VERY naughty lad?"

[Joe Acro]

They were followed by what might well be most of the cast of the Paradise Island Traitor Tale, which some called 'Traitor Tale: Holiday Cheer'.

Brainiac 5 scans the crowd. The muscles in his forehead grind as his left eyebrow shifts until it's cocked in a look of curiosity. "Why exactly have we been brought here?" he inquires, not expecting a satisfactory answer.

[Chris Lang]

"Heyoweeeeoh, heyoo, heyooo! Hullo Ms. Bullington! Fancy teaching a lesson to a very, VERY naughty lad?"

"Ah, I remember ye from that voyage." Belinda remarked, with a smile. "Ye be the kind that likes that sort of thing."

"So, how have ye been since we parted company? Have ye indeed been a naughty lad?"

[Josh M]

Wonder Kanye, and is massive ego arrived. He was unalarmed He was wearing a all white, from his tie to his white custom made shoes. He also had his shades in his pocket. “It must be that time of da year. Time to show ya’ll how awesome I am.” He paused. "Now, where da chardonnay at?”

[Chris Lang]

Brainiac 5 scans the crowd. The muscles in his forehead grind as his left eyebrow shifts until it's cocked in a look of curiosity. "Why exactly have we been brought here?" he inquires, not expecting a satisfactory answer.

Gabrielle turned to Brainiac 5. "I don't know why Pirate Kitty and her crew think the villains who possessed those 'Tokyo Godfathers' are going to be here, but they trust their sources."

"I think I might have told you about these things. This is one of those Traitor Game Awards Shows. Every once in a while, people who've been in the Traitor Games gather together someplace where people are honored with awards. It doesn't really make a lot of sense. But we get to meet some of the people we met in the games."

"I don't know who these Villainy Inc. guys are. Wonder Woman ... the Wonder Woman who was our host ... might know something."

At this point Phantom Girl arrived, not believing what she was seeing. "Brainy?" Tinya asked.

"Wait a minute. Does this mean you've now been in these games, too?"

"I have. And I sense he has, too." Saturn Girl replied, as she stepped up. "They even nominated me for one of the awards. Best Agent. But I don't care if I win the Award. We don't do what we do for fortune and glory, anyway. While winning medals and awards are nice, we do what we do to protect the innocent and bring peace to the galaxy."



Nearby, Nabiki Tendo rolled her eyes. "The worst thing is, she really believes that cornball speech." she muttered to herself.

She then turned to the crowd. "The Awards haven't even started yet. Plenty of time to start placing your bets."

[The Purple Skull]

Standing at the end of the Rainbow Bridge was the Traitor Game Award Show's Executive Producer: BATMAN!

As he stood there waiting for his associate, he quietly spoke to himself.

"This is going to be the absolute last time I run this crappy show. I swear on my parents' graves."

Suddenly, a MASSIVE ship arrives!



"What. The. Hell."

The door opens, and out steps the official sponsor of the Traitor Game Award Show: Duke Phillips!



"Well, what do you think, son?"

"Phillips, where the hell did you get that?! Matter of fact, WHAT the hell is that?!"

"Son, this majestic beauty is Taa-II. Borrowed it from Galactus himself."

"Oh, I see. Well I...wait what?! Galactus? World Devourer Galactus?"

"Affirmative."

"....I'm going to regret asking this, but exactly how did you...acquire this from Galactus?"

"It's actually a great story, son. You see, it happened yesterday. Nick Fury and I...."

"WHO DARES INTERFERE IN THE ACTIVITIES OF GALACTUS?"

"Son, we're not here looking for trouble. You see, tomorrow is the Fourth Annual Traitor Game Award Show, and I need a fancy ride that will take me and my crew to Asgard. Your magnificent ship is just the fancy ride I'm looking for. So how much will it take for us to borrow your ship for the day?"

"Did you just call Galactus 'son'?"

"Not now, Nick. I'm on a roll here."

"DO YOU EVEN THINK THAT GALACTUS WOULD ENTERTAIN SUCH A RIDICULOUS OFFER FROM THAT OF AN ANT?"

"Fury, was that an insult?"

"Yes, it was."

"I've never been so insulted in my life. Now listen here, big guy. I just want to borrow your ship for one day. So either lend us your ship and spend the day at a day spa...or suffer dire consequences."

"I would do what he says, Galactus."

"ENOUGH! THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS UNIVERSE THAT MATCHES NOR THREATENS THE ABSOLUTE POWER OF GAL---"

"SECURITY!"

"WHAT?"



(Speaking with an absolutely awful American accent) "Yes, can I...help you with...something?"

"OH $#&@! VAN-DAMME! HERE, TAKE THE KEYS! JUST RETURN IT TO ME WHENEVER YOU ARE FINISHED WITH YOUR SHOW!"

Galactus heads off to another part of the universe...far far far away from Van-Damme.

"See? Told you it would be like..."

"...taking candy from a baby."

".....Wow."

MORE BACKSTAGE HIJINKS LATER!

[Chris Lang]

"....I'm going to regret asking this, but exactly how did you...acquire this from Galactus?"

"It's actually a great story, son. You see, it happened yesterday. Nick Fury and I...."




"...taking candy from a baby."

".....Wow."

Allebmoog, Goombella's evil alternate timeline counterpart, snickered. "Can't say I blame Galactus. I'd totally want to get far away from Van Damme's horrible accent, too."

"You'd, like, better be careful what you say." Goombella warned. "Van Damme might be listening, y'know?"

Allebmoog was then unusually silent.

[The Purple Skull]

"You'd, like, better be careful what you say." Goombella warned. "Van Damme might be listening, y'know?"

Allebmoog was then unusually silent.

"Relax, Allebmoog. My personal security only goes after anyone who actually poses a threat. So you're good.

Goombella, good to see you again. Care to help unload some stuff from the ship? We could always use some assistance in moving the Unbelievably Expensive Traitor-Tron 8500."

[Chris Lang]

"Relax, Allebmoog. My personal security only goes after anyone who actually poses a threat. So you're good.

Goombella, good to see you again. Care to help unload some stuff from the ship? We could always use some assistance in moving the Unbelievably Expensive Traitor-Tron 8500."

"I'm a Goomba. I'm, like, kinda small to do heavy lifting." Goombella replied. "Of course, the people at home can't see my arms and don't know how I turn the pages in that green book, but I manage anyway."

Gabrielle approached. "Duke. It's been a while. So, how is that ... television network ... doing?"

[Joe Acro]

Gabrielle turned to Brainiac 5. "I don't know why Pirate Kitty and her crew think the villains who possessed those 'Tokyo Godfathers' are going to be here, but they trust their sources."

"I think I might have told you about these things. This is one of those Traitor Game Awards Shows. Every once in a while, people who've been in the Traitor Games gather together someplace where people are honored with awards. It doesn't really make a lot of sense. But we get to meet some of the people we met in the games."

"I don't know who these Villainy Inc. guys are. Wonder Woman ... the Wonder Woman who was our host ... might know something."

"Yes, I'm aware of the award show, Gabrielle. I myself attended one not so long ago," Brainy replies tersely. "This place just seems to hold no ties to our previous problem, or answer any of my remaining questions."

At this point Phantom Girl arrived, not believing what she was seeing. "Brainy?" Tinya asked.

"Wait a minute. Does this mean you've now been in these games, too?"

"I have. And I sense he has, too." Saturn Girl replied, as she stepped up. "They even nominated me for one of the awards. Best Agent. But I don't care if I win the Award. We don't do what we do for fortune and glory, anyway. While winning medals and awards are nice, we do what we do to protect the innocent and bring peace to the galaxy."

Brainiac's eyebrow doesn't waver. His level of perplexment remains the same.

"Phantom Girl. Saturn Girl. Hmm... I doubt from my timeline, considering you never reported a Traitor Game to the archives. But it is good to see familiar faces. Especially you, Saturn Girl. Your telepathy will be helpful."

[The Purple Skull]

Along the Rainbow Bridge, a motorcycle zooms down to the glorious golden city. It was Chuck Greene!



"Well, this should be an interesting night."

Moments later, a DeLorean parks right next to him. The driver is Frank West!



"Screw that, Chucky. It's gonna be an awesome night. It's the Awards Show, baby! We're talking glitz and glamour! Hot chicks in super tight dresses. We're in a freakin' Asgard, Chuck! I always thought this place was just something you read in a book. But look where we are! C'mon, pal. Let's mingle."

"I guess you're right, Frank. Maybe Moira's here too."

"Why? You finally admit that you like her?"

"I was hoping that, as a friend, we can catch up."

Frank rolls his eyes as he gets his camera ready.