Marvel Universe High School 1: "Shut Up, Logan!"

[moneyspider]

Vixen, you know, that sexy powerful woman that DC Comics has wasting away in the current Justice League International series, was preparing to walk down the run-way (why do they call it a runway, when all models ever do is WALK down it? I can't remember the last time I saw a model actually run down the runway)...

So anyway, Vixen was preparing to RUN down the runway in high heels when Mary Jane Watson burst into the main dressing room and showed off her engagement ring.

Mary Jane: "Mari, guess what??? Peter and I are engaged!"

Vixen: "Wow, girl, congratulations!"

Mary Jane: "Thanks! I can't believe this is actually happening to me! Somebody wants to marry me! I'm not the loser I thought I was!"

Vixen: "Oh, ok..."

Mary Jane: "Peter finally put a ring on it!"

Vixen: "Yeah, you kind of already said that..."

Mary Jane: "Peter wants me to be his wife!"

Vixen: "Yup, that's what engagements usually entail..."

Mary Jane: "Hopefully some day you'll get engaged, too! You're not a loser, Mari!"

Vixen: "Gee, thanks. I'm gonna go now...it's my turn on the catwalk, so...yeah. By the way, what's the deal with calling it a catwalk? I can't recall the last time I actually saw a cat strutting down the catwalk. Humans stroll down the catwalk, not cats. Do cats strut down the humanwalk?"

Mary Jane: "Um...what?"

Vixen: "Never mind. I'll see you in a few minutes."

Vixen was about to leave when she got a text message. After she read it, she sighed.

Mary Jane: "What's wrong, you-who-are-not-engaged?"

Vixen: "I just got a text from Wonder Woman. I swear, if that girl calls me "Sister" just one more damn time..."

Mary Jane: (playing with Vixen's hair) "What does she want?"

Vixen: (smacking Mary Jane's hand away) "She wants to hang out. Apparently she wants company so that she doesn't go off on her own and start some "ish." Her words, not mine."

Mary Jane: "Can I come?"

Vixen: "I don't see why not. Hang tight, I'll be right back after I walk on out there."

As Vixen strutted her stuff down the runway during the Victoria's Secret Fashion show, Prof. Xavier showed his appreciation for Vixen's body by videotaping her performance. When security took away the professor's video camera, he watched security leave and then simply took out his iphone to videotape Vixen.
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Storm and the Black Panther were now at Madison Square Garden to watch the New York Knicks take on the Los Angeles Lakers, and as they were sitting courtside, Kobe Bryant dunked the ball.

Black Panther: "I can dunk like that."

Storm: "Please, T'Challa. You can't even dunk a donut in milk."

Black Panther: "Now that's just cold."

Storm: "What time is our Illuminati meeting today?"

Black Panther: "You're the leader of the Illuminati, and you don't even know what time we're meeting?"

Storm: "If I knew what time the meeting was, would I be asking you? And no, because I know you have my back. So what time is the meeting?"

Black Panther: "7 p.m."

Storm: "We also have a new member joining."

Black Panther: "Really? Who is it? Batman? Doctor Strange? The deadly Nightshade?"

Storm: "It's a secret that will be revealed later on tonight, baby. And besides...I don't want Nightshade anywhere near you. I know she likes you, and I'd hate to have to rip that girl's eyes out for undressing you with her eyes."

Black Panther: "If I threaten to tickle you, will you tell me the secret?"

Storm: "No."

Black Panther: "If I threaten to withhold lovemaking, will you tell me the secret?"

Storm: "Oh come on, T'Challa. Everyone knows you can't possibly keep your hands off of me. You would never make that threat, let alone keep it."

Black Panther: "You know me too well."

Wonder Woman: "Sister!"

Storm: "Hello Diana!"

Wonder Woman: "Hello T'Challa."

Black Panther: "Hello Diana Prince."

Wonder Woman sat down on the lap of the man who was sitting on the other side of Storm. The man, who was a straight-up geek, froze in place as Wonder Woman, clad in her usual skimpy costume, wriggled and writhed on him as she talked to Storm in a very animated fashion.

Wonder Woman: (suddenly turning to the geek) "I'm sorry , Sir, if my sitting on your lap is bothering you, I'll move."

Geek: "No..no...you're good."

Wonder Woman turned back to Storm.

Wonder Woman: "Vixen is supposed to be meeting me here in a few minutes. Maybe you can hang out with us after the game is over?"

Storm: "I'll have to take a raincheck. T'Challa and I have to go to a meeting after the game."

Wonder Woman: "Okay then, Sister. I understand. It will just me and Vixen hanging out in Man's World tonight, then. Hey, that's odd."

Storm: "What is?"

Wonder Woman: "Something keeps poking me."

Wonder Woman looked at the geek again, who started to look embarassed.

Wonder Woman: "Is that an erection, Sir?"

Geek: "Uh..."

Wonder Woman: "Fascinating. This means you find me attractive, yes?"

Geek: "Oh God yes."

Wonder Woman: "What are you planning to do with your erection, Sir?"

Geek: "I'm not sure."

Wonder Woman: "Curious. What is also curious is that it seems to be getting larger."

Geek: "Yeah..."

Wonder Woman: "A hard, throbbing erection should never be wasted. Come with me, please, Sir. Sister, I will return momentarily."

Storm: "Oh, ok..."

Wonder Woman took the geek by the hand and disappeared with him.

Black Panther: "Is she going to have sex with him?"

Storm: "Yep."

Black Panther: "That's kind of risky. I hope they use protection."

Storm: "She just came to Man's World...she's like a kid in a toy store. She wants to put her hands on everything."

Vixen showed up and sat down.

Vixen: "Hey yall."

Storm: "Hey Vixen."

Black Panther: "Hello Mari Jiwe McCabe."

The Red Skull suddenly popped up in front of the trio.

Red Skull: "You three sitting together? FORCED!"

Black Panther: "I'm going to break your jaw again if you don't get out of here, Skull."

After the Red Skull ran away, Mary Jane Watson showed up and sat next to Vixen.

Storm suddenly jumped onto the floor, laid down and proceeded to drool while her eyes flashed white. Black Panther rushed to her side.

Black Panther: "Beloved, are you alright? What's wrong?"

Storm drooled for a few more seconds before her eyes returned to their normal blue color, and she stood up under her own power.

Storm: "Oh, I'm fine, T'Challa. Don't mind me...for a second there, I thought I was in a few scenes in an Avengers issue that was written by Bendis."
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Rogue and the Blue Marvel were dancing in a nightclub when Arcade, an old nemeis of the X-Men, knocked the bartender out, disguised himself and took the bartender's place. When Rogue came over for a drink, the disguised Arcade poured one for her.

Rogue: "Thanks, Sugah."

Arcade: "Think nothing of it."

A few minutes after Rogue sipped her drink, she fell to the floor unconscious. While Arcade and a few goons scopped Rogue up and put her in a van, the deadly Nightshade wandered over to the Blue Marvel to keep him from seeing Rogue being carried out of the nightclub.

Nightshade: "Do you have a light, handsome?"

Blue Marvel: "I don't smoke."

Nightshade: "Pity. I'm Nightshade, by the way."

Blue Marvel: "Pleased to meet you. I'm -"

Nightshade: "Adam Brashear, the Blue Marvel. Rumor has it that you recently came out of retirement. Tell me, do you still regret your decision to sit out most of the major events in the Marvel Universe?"

Blue Marvel: "I hate to be rude, but I must really find my date. If you will excuse me..."

Nightshade smiled and whispered in his ear.

Nightshade: "We have your girlfriend. Tell your fellow heroes the X-Men that we have her."

Blue Marvel: "Who's "we?"

Nightshade: "Me and Arcade. They'll know who he is."

Nightshade pulled a pistol out from behind her back, shot into the air and then disappeared as people began freaking out and running all over the place at the sound of the gunshots. Once the crowd got out of control, Blue Marvel lost sight of Nightshade as she and Arcade drove away in the van with the still-unconscious Rogue still slumped over in one of the back seats...

[moneyspider]

The Black Panther was sitting in the back seat of his stretch Lexus with his aide, Nakia, sitting right next to him. Okoye, the chauffeur, was staring intently at the road ahead.

Suddenly someone in the car in front of them hurled a kitten out of the window.

Okoye: "My Lord, someone has just thrown a kitten out of the window."

Black Panther: "I have seen this. Retract the sunroof."

Okoye: "Yes, my Lord."

Black Panther: "Nakia, you're with me."

Nakia: "As you wish, my Lord."

Black Panther: "Okoye, alert my Beloved and let her know we will be having a new addition to our family."

Okoye: "At once, my Lord."
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Storm was strolling around the apartment naked while talking to her plants. Her plants responded to her melodic voice by gently waving their leaves at her. Storm generated mini rain clouds over the plants and sang to them as she watered them.

When the intercom activated itself, Storm heard Okoye's voice on the other end.

Okoye: "My Lady?"

Storm: "I still feel funny about you calling me that, Okoye. However, you may refer to me as "Goddess."

Okoye: "Goddess?"

Storm: "Who is it?"

Okoye: "Very funny. My Lord has instructed me to alert you to the fact that you and he will soon be having a new addition to the family."

Storm: "That's weird. Can you put him on the line?"

Okoye: "He is currently occupied, Goddess."
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At that very moment, the Black Panther and Nakia were kicking the crap out of several thugs who were in the car ahead of the stretch Lexus. Nakia was repeatedly kicking one man in the crotch while karate-chopping another man in the throat. The Black Panther was using just one arm to hold the driver of the car up in the air by his collar.

Black Panther: "You have thrown an innocent kitten out of a moving vehicle. You, although not innocent, will suffer the same fate."

Thug Driver: "Frak you, Friskies!"

The Black Panther dragged the driver along the highway as he retrieved the kitten. Then, when he and Nakia got back in the car, the Black Panther dangled the thug driver out the window.

Black Panther: "Okoye, step on the gas."

Okoye: "At once, my Lord."

With a screech of tires, the stretch Lexus sped down the highway.

Thug Driver: "You can't do this to me! You won't get away with this, you piece of shit!"

Black Panther: "I have diplomatic immunity. And you have contusions."

The Black Panther hurled the thug driver out the window as the stretch Lexus continued speeding down the highway. The thug moaned as he bounced onto the pavement and rolled into a ditch on the side of the highway.

Black Panther: "Okoye, to the grocery store. We must pick up some cat litter, some cat food and some cat toys."

Okoye: "For you, or for the kitten, my Lord?"

The Black Panther grinned underneath his mask.
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Prof.Xavier: "To me, my X-Men."

After the mental summons was sent out, Prof. Xavier rolled himself over to a window at the Institute for Higher Learning and wondered exactly how large Psylocke's breasts would become after she became pregnant, preferably with his baby. On the other hand, what about Emma Frost's breasts? They were already huge, but how much bigger would they get if she became pregnant with his child? Psylocke's breasts, or Emma's breasts? Which breasts should he ponder the most about? This question haunted him until the X-Men began arriving.

Cyclops: "You called us, Professor?"

Prof. Xavier: "Yes, Scott, I did."

After Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Colossus, Storm and Banshee entered the Institute, Xavier spoke again.

Prof. Xavier: "Storm, would you be a dear and make me a cup of tea?"

Storm: "Sure, Professor, I'll make you a cup of tea. Would you like for me to put some hemlock in it?"

Prof. Xavier: "I have no idea what hemlock is, but that sounds lovely. I'll take lots and lots of hemlock in my tea. Thank you, Storm."

Storm rolled her eyes but remained seated.

Prof. Xavier: "Can I have that tea sometime today, please?"

Storm: "Make your own tea, you wrinkled liver-spotted fuckhead. And hemlock is poison, you demented, perverted, crippled mound of horse shit."

Prof.Xavier: "Oh, is it that time of the month for you, Storm?"

Storm: "I am this close to shoving a tornado up your ass...but something tells me you're used to having stuff shoved up your ass...and liking it."

Cyclops: "Storm, stand down."

Storm gave Cyclops a dirty look.

Storm: "Shut up, Cyclops. Stop kissing his ass. Now someone start talking...why are we all here right now?"

Prof. Xavier: "With all comments about my crippled ass aside, Rogue has been kidnapped by Arcade and the Deadly Nightshade. They're daring the X-Men to come rescue her."

Wolverine: "If it's a fight that freckle-faced Arcade wants, it's a fight he's gonna get."

Banshee: "I hope Arcade doesn't hit me in me face."

Cyclops: "Who leads the team, Professor?"

Storm: "I will, Cyclops. With your lips so permanently attached to the professor's ass, it will be hard for you to concentrate on the mission."

Cyclops: "You have an attitude problem, girl. You've been hanging around the Black Panther too much."

Storm: "No, boy, I haven't been hanging around the Black Panther long enough. You want to go up against me, Cyclops? I'll drop your ass faster than your father dropped your momma not only to the curb, but ON it."

Wolverine: "Oh smack!"

Storm: "Do you mean "oh snap", Logan?"

Wolverine: "Whoops, yeah, that's what I meant. Oh snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!"

Cyclops: "Shut up, Logan!"

Colossus: "Shouldn't we be going now?"

Storm: "Yes. Professor, where is Rogue being held?"

Prof. Xavier: "Latveria."
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Clark Kent, who was still trying to see if treating Lois Lane like complete shit would work in his favor, ignored her when she came to his desk on her break at the Daily Planet.

Lois Lane: "Smallville, are you ignoring me?"

Clark: "No, just really busy."

Lois Lane: "So this guy tried to take me home last night. I didn't go, but he is kinda cute. He seems like a bad boy, too. Do you think I should go out with him?"

Clark: "OMG. Who the hell cares? If he makes you wet, then go out with him. If he makes you drier than the Sahara, then don't. Either way, I've got more important things to do with my time than listen to your drama."

Lois Lane: "Smallville, you're actually developing a personality. Here."

Lois scribbled her home phone number on a sheet of paper and handed it to him.

Lois Lane: "Call me sometime, Smallville, but not after 10 p.m. After 10 is when I like to masturbate."

Clark pretended not to care about the phone number as Lois laid it on his desk, but as soon as she left from his desk, he breathed a sigh of relief. Apparently Wonder Woman and Batman knew what they were talking about.

As soon as Lois Lane walked into the kitchen, Selina Kyle smacked her.

Lois Lane: "Ow! What the hell was that for? And what the hell are you doing in Metropolis?"

Selina: "I have business with Laurence Fishburne I mean Perry White. Listen, are you going to let Clark Kent treat you like shit?"

Lois Lane: "He's not treating me like shit. He's finally showing some backbone. It's refreshing. He's not drooling over me like some lovesick puppy like he usually does. He's a lot more mysterious. I like mysterious."

Selina: "Well, I do admit that mysterious guys turn me on, too. Listen, I'll make a bet with you. I bet that I can sleep with Bruce Wayne before you can sleep with Clark Kent."

Lois Lane: "Girl, you are on. Loser has to refrain from masturbating for a week."

Selina: "Bet!"...

[hulahulk]

Keep up the good work!


{hands moneyspider the very rare LIFETIME Pulitzer Prize for Creative Writing*}




* - Awarded every year on this date, ongoing for the life of the recipient. Award is shiniest if placed on well-lit mantle. Please polish twice per week. Please polish award, not recipient. Award Cash Value: 1/64 of one cent. Cannot be redeemed for any other offer. Void in Puerto Rico and Nome, Alaska. Recipient Cash Value: depends greatly on how he responds to this post

[moneyspider]

Keep up the good work!


{hands moneyspider the very rare LIFETIME Pulitzer Prize for Creative Writing*}




* - Awarded every year on this date, ongoing for the life of the recipient. Award is shiniest if placed on well-lit mantle. Please polish twice per week. Please polish award, not recipient. Award Cash Value: 1/64 of one cent. Cannot be redeemed for any other offer. Void in Puerto Rico and Nome, Alaska. Recipient Cash Value: depends greatly on how he responds to this post

Wow, thanks Hulahulk!

[hulahulk]

Wow, thanks Hulahulk!

Thanks for putting so much time and effort into entertaining us here at CBR! I love those posts...

[moneyspider]

In Latveria, Luke Cage pounded his way into Doctor Doom's castle with his body and once he reached the throne room, he threw the chamber doors wide open.

Luke Cage: "Where's my money, honey?"

Doctor Doom: "Doom owes you nothing, fool!"

Luke Cage: "WRONG! You owe me $480 and 26 cents. You hired a hero, and a hero you got. Now pay up."

Doctor Doom: "Bah! Get out of my sight with your ridiculousness!"

Luke Cage pulled up a chair and sat down.

Luke Cage: "I'm not leaving until you pay up. You got anything to eat up in this piece? I'm hungrier than a mug!"

Doctor Doom: "What are you babbling about? Why would you be hungrier than a cup?"
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Rogue woke up in her cell and saw Arcade staring at her.

Rogue: "Arcade, what is the meaning of this!? Where am I?"

Arcade: "You are the guest of myself, the Deadly Nightshade and Doctor Doom. You're in Latveria, hon."

Rogue jumped up from the bed, ran to the cell bars and tried to bend them so that she could walk out of the cell, but she discovered that her super strength was gone. She jumped in the air to try to hover and fly, but gravity pulled her back to the floor.

Rogue: "My powers! They're gone!"

Arcade: "Not gone...just dormant. That drink I gave you is temporarily rendering you powerless. We couldn't have you waking up and pounding the crap out of us before we got you here."

Rogue: "The drink? Hey, wait a minute! I took a drink at the bar I was at...how did you know...YOU were the bartender?"

Arcade: "I was"

Rogue: "What do you all want with me?"

Arcade: "You're bait, honey. How else could I get the X-Men to come back to Murder World?"

Rogue: "I've heard tales of how you kept trying to kill the X-Men with your Murder World bullshit. They're coming to kick your ass, Arcade."

Arcade: "Even if they do, how will they fare against Doctor Doom and Nightshade?"

Rogue: "The X-Men will survive."

Arcade: "Not likely, my dear.Now, while I wait for your friends to arrive, why don't you dance for me?"

Rogue spat in his face.

Aracde: "My my, you're a feisty one. Let's see how feisty you are when you're fighting for your life in Murder World."
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Adam the Blue Marvel was rummaging around in his secret base in the Mariana Trench when the Watcher showed up.

Watcher: "Hello Adam."

Blue Marvel: "Hey, what's up, Uatu."

Watcher: "Are you on your way to rescue Rogue?"

Blue Marvel: "I'm going to find her...I'm just looking for my old costume, since it has the mysterious helmet. I want to look mysterious when I kick Arcade's ass."

Watcher: "Rogue is not a damsel in distress. She can save herself."

Blue Marvel: "True, but I'm no longer going to sit on my ass while trouble unfolds. I swore I would never ever do that again. Therefore, I'm going to do something to help her. You're looking at a whole new Blue Marvel! Now where is that helmet? Ah, there it is."
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10 minutes later, after having flown to Latveria with super speed, the Blue Marvel, dressed in his original costume with the helmet that made him look mysterious, crashed through the roof of Doctor Doom's castle.

Doctor Doom: (to Blue Marvel) "Don't call me honey, and don't ask for money."

Blue Marvel: "I have no idea what you're talking about, Doom, and I really don't care. I'm only here for one reason: Rogue. Where is she?"

Doctor Doom laughed.

Doctor Doom: "Awwwwwwww, do you have a crush on the skunk-haired girl? How cute."

Blue Marvel: "I'm about five seconds away from smashing your face in, Victor."

Doctor Doom: "I think not, Blue Marvel. Because you see, I know your weakness."

Blue Marvel: "You do?"

Doctor Doom: "Yes. And here it is!"

Doctor Doom pulled out a chunk of kryptonite and shoved it in Blue Marvel's face.

Doctor Doom: "Die, Blue Marvel!"

Blue Marvel: "I'm not allergic to kryptonite, you idiot! That's Superman!"

Doctor Doom: "Oh. Hold on a second."

Luke Cage: "I want my money."

Doctor Doom: "Shut up, you. I'm busy."

Doctor Doom rummaged around in an old chest and then, finally...

Doctor Doom: "Aha! Die, Blue Marvel!"

Blue Marvel stared in disbelief at the banana that Doctor Doom had just shoved in his face.

Doctor Doom: "The color yellow will destroy you for good!"

Blue Marvel: "My weakness is not the color yellow, you moron! That's the weakness of the Green Lantern Corps...or at least it used to be."

Doctor Doom: "Oh. Okay...hold on another second, please..."

Blue Marvel: "'kay!"

The intercom suddenly buzzed to life.

Arcade: (via intercom) "Doctor Doom, the X-Men have arrived!"

Doctor Doom: "Splendid! You kill them and the Rogue girl as well, while I kill the Blue Marvel!"

Arcade: (via intercom) "Consider it done!"

Luke Cage sprang forward, tackled Doctor Doom and began pounding away at his faceplate.

Luke Cage: "I want my money, Doom. I want my money. Where's my money?"
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Storm, Cyclops, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Colossus and Banshee ran into the hole in the castle that had already been carved by Luke Cage's body.

Wolverine: "I smell Doom, Nightshade, Arcade, Luke Cage, and the Blue Marvel."

Storm's cellphone rang as she was running, so of course she stopped and answered it.

Storm: "This is Storm."

Black Panther: "Hi Beloved."

Storm: "Hi T'Challa!"

Black Panther: "I miss you."

Storm: "I miss you too, T'Challa! But I can't really talk right now, baby. The X-Men and I are about to rescue Rogue from Doom's castle! Anything you want me to tell him as I'm punching a hole in his chest?"

Black Panther, who a second ago had stepped into the Nowhere Room via his newly created Shadow Physics, materialized right next to Storm.

Black Panther: "Yes, but I'll tell him in person, right after you're done with him..."

[moneyspider]

Misty Knight and Colleen Wing were inside a warehouse, which had just been abandoned by several members of the Hand a few hours prior...

Colleen suddenly looked at Misty.

Colleen: "My boobs itch."

Misty: "And you're telling me this because...?"

Colleen: (playfully) "Because I want you to come over here and scratch this itch."

Misty: (laughing) "You are so stupid, girl."

Colleen bent down to look at some footprints.

Colleen: "Misty, you'd better come take a look at this."

Misty ran over to see what Colleen had found, and when she stared at the footprints, a sense of dread overwhelmed her.

Misty: "Only one man's footprints could be that fat. The Kingpin was here."

Colleen: "There's another set of footprints as well."

Misty took out her magnifying glass to inspect the smaller prints.

Misty: "We also might have a mouse on the loose."

Colleen: "I don't know what turns me on more...mice, or the Kingpin."

Misty: "You're attracted to the Kingpin? And I'm not even going to ask about the attraction to mice."

Colleen: "He's got some attractive qualities. He's dominant, sneaky, determined, focused, cultured. He's got his hand in everything, it seems."

Misty: "He's a criminal. Your boyfriend's going DOWN, Colleen."

Colleen: "Do you think he ever eats out?"

Misty: "Judging from his weight and the fact that he looks like he's nine months pregnant, I'd say there's very strong possibility that he eats out... a lot."

Colleen: "I wasn't talking about eating food..."

Misty rolled her eyes as Colleen laughed with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
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Storm, the Black Panther, Wolverine, Colossus, Nightcrawler and Banshee were on their way to Doom's throne room, but a hole suddenly opened on the floor and they fell onto an escalator that was headed downward. When the stairs on the escalator disappeared, the heroes slid all the way into a large room.

Arcade: "Welcome, boys and girl...welcome back to...MURDERWORLD!"

Wolverine: "Arcade!"

Arcade: "Black Panther! It's odd to see you among the X-Men, although I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since you're dating the Weather Goddess."

Black Panther: "Arcade. It will be a pleasure dismantling you."

Arcade ignored the Black Panther's statement.

Arcade: "After years of having my plans derailed by you mutants, I shall enjoy watching all of you finally die."

Arcade began pushing buttons left and right on the console before him, and all of the machines, robots and weapons within MurderWorld sprang to life.
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In the throne room, Doctor Doom was still getting his faceplate knocked in by Luke Cage's fists.

Luke Cage: "Where's my money?"

Doctor Doom: "Alright, fine, I'll get you your money."

Luke Cage stopped pounding the faceplate and stood up. Doctor Doom rose to his feet, smoothed over his wrinkled green cape and then...disappeared through a secret door that had been hidden inside the wall.

Luke Cage: "Crap!"

Blue Marvel: "Just like a roach. Well, which one of us is going to bust down that wall?"

Luke Cage: "Go for it."

Blue Marvel punched the wall and expected it to shatter, but it didn't. He punched it a second time, as hard as he could, but still nothing happened. Luke Cage used his entire body to bust down the wall, but his attempts had zero impact.

Luke Cage: "Now what?"

Blue Marvel: "You ever play football?"

Luke Cage: "Once or twice...why? Oh, are you going to come up with a football-like manuever like you did when you were trying to defeat Anti-Man in your 2009 mini-series?"

Blue Marvel: "No, I was just wondering."

Luke Cage: "Oh."

Blue Marvel: "Ever play soccer?"

Luke Cage: "No."

Blue Marvel: "Badminton?"

Luke Cage: "Sometimes..."

Blue Marvel: "Rugby?"

Luke Cage: "Ok, that's enough."

Blue Marvel: "Alrighty then..."

Blue Marvel and Luke Cage took turns trying to pound down the wall again.
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Victoria's Secret supermodel Marisa Miller walked into Avengers Mansion and saw Victoria's Secret supermodel Adriana Lima sitting on the sofa.

Marisa Miller: "Is Tony Stark here?"

Adriana Lima: "I don't think so...why?"

Marisa Miller: "I really don't think that's any of your business, Adriana."

Adriana Lima: "You'd better not be here trying to apply for Avengers membership. There's only room for ONE supermodel on this team, and it's not you."

Marisa Miller: "Fuckin' noob."

Marisa Miller turned away in disgust and parked herself in an armchair. For several minutes, the ladies ignored each other.

And then...Marisa glared at Adriana.

Adriana glared back.

Marisa's eyes narrowed.

Adriana's eyes narrowed.

Marisa's nostrils flared.

Adriana tried to flare her nostrils but her nostrils were uncooperative.

Marisa: "You know, when I first walked in here, I almost didn't recognize you because you were sitting up, instead of flat on your back with your legs in the air like you usually are when people see you."

Adriana: "Why you little tramp. How DARE you come into this mansion starting crap? I oughta come over there and wipe that smug grin off your face!"

Marisa: "Well come on over here, then. To quote Eddie Murphy's "Grandmother" character in "The Nutty Professor,"...you'll walk over, but you'll be limping back."

Adriana and Marisa both rose to their feet.

Adriana took off her earrings.

Marisa took off her earrings.

Adriana removed her high heels.

Marisa removed her high heels.

Adriana: "I hope the next outfit you buy is not on sale!"

Marisa: "And I hope you get split ends!"

Adriana started crying, and Marisa ran over to console her.

Marisa: "Was the "split ends" comment a bit much?"

Adriana: "It was a really low blow, yes."

Marisa: "Oh, I am soooooooooooo sorry! Please forgive me!"

Marisa hugged Adriana, and that's when Tony Stark walked into the room. When he saw the women hugging, he looked up at the ceiling and thanked the heavens.

Marisa: "Oh, Tony.You're here."

Tony: "Marisa, it's a pleasure to see you again. What can I do for you?"

Marisa: "You won't be doing anything for me, but for the baby I'm carrying. I'm pregnant, Tony, and you're the father."

Tony stared at Marisa as he tried to comprehend what had just happened in the past 20 seconds, and the smile he had had plastered on his face when he saw the two women hugging was still visible.

And that smile was still visible when he asked his next question...

Tony: "Marisa, it's a pleasure to see you again. What Can I do for you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Black Panther, through the use of Shadow Physics, once again opened up the Nowhere Room.

Black Panther: "Everyone inside, now!"

The X-Men and the Black Panther jumped into the Nowhere Room.

Wolverine: "Now what?"

Black Panther: "We take this party to Arcade's control room."

Seconds later. the X-Men and the Black Panther arrived in the control room, and after the door to the Nowhere Room opened, Storm flew out and grabbed Arcade by his collar.

Storm: "Okay, you, time to get your red-headed ass kicked from here to Wakanda."

Arcade was pissed, since he had not expected his guests to escape his traps. He tried to free himself from Storm's grip, but he couldn't because she kept smacking him across his face.

Wolverine: "Wow, T'Challa...Storm's really beating the crap out of Arcade."

Black Panther: "Oh, yeah, she does that. But when she repeatedly smacks me across the face like that, it's foreplay."

Black Panther and Wolverine spent the next several minutes destroying all of the equipment in Arcade's control room.

Arcade: "You know, Storm, I've always thought you and Thor would make a cute couple, because you both control lightning."

Storm smacked him extremely hard.

Storm: "Arcade, you're an idiot, especially because of the Thor comment. Colossus, come hold this fool until he can be turned over to the authorities. Banshee, call said authorities. T'Challa, you're with me. While Wolverine and Nightcrawler go after Doom, we'll go find Rogue..."

Storm ran down the hall, and the Black Panther ran after her. When she tripped and fell, Black Panther offered her his hand.

Storm: (smacking his hand away) "I'm not an invalid, T'Challa."

Black Panther: "I know, but I'm just trying to help you. Don't be so proud."

Storm: "You are the LAST person on the planet to EVER talk to me about being proud."

Black Panther picked Storm up and carried her.

Storm: "Wow. This is both romantic and humiliating at the same time. I don't know whether to kiss you or smack you."

Black Panther: "Coming from you, both would be pleasurable."

Storm smacked him, and then she kissed him.

Storm: "How's that pleasure working out for you?"

Black Panther: "My face has never felt more alive than it does right now."

Storm: "For the record, I still don't need your help. I'm perfectly capable of doing things for myself."

Black Panther: "Yes dear."

Storm: "And run faster. I want to feel the draft in this corridor whipping through my hair."

Black Panther: "Yes dear."

Black Panther continued running down the hall with Storm in his arms...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rogue was sitting in her cell, staring at the floor when she suddenly felt a surge of strength. She quickly got up, ran to the cell door and tried to bend one of the bars. When it bent as easily as if she had tried bending a straw, she grinned.

Her powers were returning...

BONUS: Marisa Miller's Call of Duty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36Z9Juc02BU

[moneyspider]

Blue Marvel, Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Luke Cage searched everywhere for Doctor Doom, but he was nowhere to be found in his castle.

Wolverine: "He's flown the coop, it seems."

Blue Marvel: "His kind always do. Cowards always run and hide. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I faced Anti-Man in the 1960s?"

Wolverine: (lying) "Yes, several times."

Blue Marvel: "Wolverine, have you ever played hockey?"

Wolverine: "No."

Blue Marvel: "Ever played Pac-Man?"

Wolverine: "Oh you know it!"

Blue Marvel: "Ever play Marvel vs. Capcom?"

Wolverine: "Every day."

Rogue crashed through the wall.

Wolverine: "Rogue!"

Blue Marvel: "Baby!"

Rogue leapt into Blue Marvel's arms and kissed him.

Nightcrawler: "Ah, that's so cute. My sister's in love. I have to call our momma Mystique and tell her."

Mystique: "I already know."

Rogue: "Momma!"

Nightcrawler: "Mommy!"

Mystique looked Blue Marvel up and down and licked her lips.

Mystique: "You've picked a fine looking one this time, Rogue. You've made your mom proud. Bring him home for dinner anytime...and I do mean anytime."

Mystique licked her lips again and seductively smiled at Blue Marvel.

Blue Marvel: "Um..."

Rogue: "Keep your hands off my boyfriend, Mom. Come on, guys. let's go find Doom and Arcade."

Nightcrawler: "Doom and Nightshade are not here, apparently, and Colossus has Arcade under wraps. I think we can all finally leave Latveria now..."

Wolverine: (thinking to himself) "Why are women always so attracted to Blue Marvel?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back at Avengers mansion, talk show host Maury Povich was analyzing a DNA test to determine the paternity of supermodel Marisa Miller's baby. Tony Stark paced back and forth nervously in his Iron Man armor.

Maury Povich: "Tony Stark, you are NOT the father."

Marisa Miller: "Damnit!"

Tony: "Oh thank God!"

Adriana Lima: "So who's the father of your kid?"

Marisa Miller: "My husband, I guess. Damn. I was really hoping it was you, Tony. I think I'm in love with you."

Tony: "Of course you are. Once you go Stark, you never dismebark."

Marisa Miller rolled her eyes.

Marisa Miller: "I've got to go and tell my husband that he knocked me up. Later, peeps."

After Marisa Miller and Maury Povich left, Tony looked at Adriana Lima.

Tony: "Are you in love with me, too?"

Adriana Lima: "No, I am not. But I wouldn't mind having an affair with Jarvis."

Tony almost choked on his whiskey.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Storm and the Black Panther watched the X-Men, Luke Cage and Blue Marvel leave Doom's castle with Arcade in handcuffs.

Storm: "We should be leaving now as well. But first..."

Storm took a bag out from underneath her headband and began filling it with some of Doom's valuables.

Black Panther: "Ororo, put that stuff back!"

Storm: "No."

Black Panther shrugged and took out several surveillance devices from a bag he had strapped to him.

Storm: "T'Challa, are you going to bug Doom's castle?"

Black Panther: "Yes."

Storm shook her head as she continued stealing from Doom.

Storm: "All of this theft and bugging the premises is turning me on. Do you want to make love in Doom's bed? After we change the sheets, of course."

Black Panther: "You are so mischievous."

Storm: "So is that a yes or a no? If you say no, I'll just finger myself in Doom's bed."

Black Panther: "I'll be the one fingering you, thank you very much."

Storm: "If that is your way."

There was a picture of Doom's mother hanging up over his bed, so Storm took the picture down and scribbled "Your momma looks like a dude!" in permanent marker, and then she hung the picture back up. Afterwards, Black Panther took the permanent market and wrote "Doom answers to everyone" in huge letters on one of the bedroom walls.

Storm: "Alright, let's go, man. 30 minutes, and then we're out of here."

Storm pulled the Black Panther over to the bed and started kissing him; it only took a micro-second for the Black Panther to get rock hard.

Storm: "Are we going to break this bed as well?"

Black Panther: "Yes."

Storm giggled with delight as she wrapped her arms and legs around him...

[moneyspider]

The woman who called herself The Tickler pulled the mask down over her gorgeous face and stared at herself in the mirror. Long had she dreamt of this moment, when she would shed her civilian disguise and become the maliciously magnificent Tickler!

She admired her slender, atheletic figure and then made tickling motions with her fingers. She could practically smell her prey, all of those people outside, walking and running around, just ripe for the tickling. She licked her lips under the mask, which was kind of hard to do, since the mask was really tight around her mouth. She licked her lips again and the mouth part of the mask ripped, so she had to don another mask.

She leapt out the window and saw her first victim: a young male jogger who was momentarily standing still as he sipped from his water bottle. The Tickler crept up behind him, tackled him and began tickling him.

Tickler: "Tickle tickle tickle!"

Jogger: "Hahahahahahaha...you...can't...hahahahahaha...jus t run up and tickle people...hahahahaha!"

Tickler: "Oh but I can, and I am. Now hush, and be tickled! Tickle tickle tickle!"

Jogger: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

The jogger managed to rip the mask away from the Tickler's face and was stunned to see the gorgeous face of his attacker. The Asian woman tried to put her mask back on but the jogger was still holding it.

Jogger: "You're gorgeous!"

Tickler: "Tickle tickle tickle!"

The Tickler tickled the jogger until he laughed so hard that he lost consciousness.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Misty Knight was watching "Jersey Shore" when the phone rang in the apartment she shared with her roommate and best friend Colleen Wing.

Misty: "Hello? Oh, hi. Not much. No, I'm not really working on a case. Well, actually, we were investigating the Kingpin, but all of our leads have led to dead ends. Uh huh. Uh huh. That's...odd. Okay, we're officially for hire. I'll contact you when we find out something. Um, I'm sure we'll be fine. Alright, later."

Misty hung up the phone and barged into Colleen's room.

Misty: "Colleen, stop masturbating and get dressed. We have a job."

Colleen: "I wasn't masturbating yet. I was just reading. What's the job?"

Misty: "Someone running around town calling herself the Tickler is running around town, well, tickling people. She's apparently tickling people at random...there's no specific type of person that she's tickling. Her victims have described the experience of being tickled by her as "pure joy" because they're laughing so hard. One victim actually saw her face and described her as an incredibly gorgeous woman."

Colleen: "An incredibly gorgeous woman, huh? Well, I was in my room the entire time, so I am not the Tickler."

Misty: "Oh ha ha. What are you reading, anyway?"

Misty picked up Colleen's book and her brown eyes widened in shock.

Misty: "Comic book mouse porn!?"

Colleen: "I prefer to call it "Rodent Romance."

Misty turned the pages and almost fainted when she saw several pictures of mice in various sexual positions with one another.

Misty: "I think I'm going to be sick. This one picture shows three mice having a threesome."

Colleen: "You should look at the one where the male rat has the female mouse on the glass while he's pulling her fur. You should also notice the huge grin on the female mouse's face while he's giving it to her...HARD. And in the next picture-"

Misty Knight: "Your warped fetish has just given me an idea. Vixen might be able to use her animal powers to help us track down the Tickler."

Colleen: "That's great, Misty. Can I have my book back now?"

Misty tossed the book at her, and Colleen grabbed it, turned to page 20 and started rubbing herself.

Misty: "The fact that you feel so comfortable around me that you have no problem fingering yourself in my presence is a bit...creepy."

Colleen: (opening one eye) "Is it? I see it as a way for us to bond."

Misty Knight: "You're an idiot."

Colleen gave Misty the middle finger, and then her eyes started rolling back in her head as her moaning grew louder. Misty ran out of the room to find a pair of scissors to gouge out her own eyes and cut off her own ears.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that afternoon, Misty Knight, Colleen Wing and the superheroine known as Vixen arrived at the house of the latest victim of the Tickler. The female victim, who was smiling, welcomed her guests into the house.

Victim: "Can I offer you ladies something to drink?"

Colleen: "Ice tea, straight up, shaken, not stirred, sweet, not weak, cold, not warm."

Victim: "All I have is milk."

Colleen: "Milk, no sugar."

Misty: "I'm sorry, Miss...?"

Victim: "Call me Lola."

Misty: "What do you remember about the attack, Lola?"

Lola: "Well, I was pushing my baby in her stroller in Central Park, and I was feeling really sad because the father of my baby just up and ran away with my sister so that they could start a new life together (she's pregnant with his baby, by the way), and all of a sudden I was tackled from the front by this masked woman. As I struggled to get to my feet, the masked woman began tickling me. I never knew I was ticklish until this afternoon. I have never laughed so hard in all of my life. When she finally stopped tickling me, she began tickling my baby, and my baby couldn't stop laughing.Then the woman suddenly took off. I must say, my baby and I had a great time."

Colleen finished drinking her milk, unaware that she was wearing a milk moustache. Vixen motioned to Colleen to wipe her mouth, but Colleen did not get the hint.

Misty: "Lola, if or when we find the Tickler, would you be willing to press charges against her?"

Lola: "I would not. The Tickler brought me joy. There's no crime in that."

Misty: "I see. I think that will be all the questions for now. I'll let you know if we catch her."

Lola: "I hope you never find the Tickler."

Misty: "Right. Ok, thanks for your time."

When Misty, Colleen and Vixen left the house, Misty turned to Vixen.

Misty: "Vixen, can you use the senses of a blood hound to pick up a scent from any of the crime scenes that the Tickler was at?"

Vixen: "It's worth a try. And for the love of God, Colleen, wipe your mouth."

[moneyspider]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Punisher was in his Battle Van, putting mercy bullets in his shotgun when the announcement came over his police scanner.

Voice on police scanner: "Reports of a woman tickling a random stranger on 24th Street and Vine, request officers to apprehend."

Punisher: "That's our cue, Microchip. When we get there, you take the wheel, and I'll take out the Tickler."

Microchip: "You'll take her out? You mean on a date?"

The Punisher stopped loading the shotgun and just stared at Microchip.

Microchip: "Well, Frank, are you sure you're ready to date again? Well, if you're sure about this, when you go up to her, don't look mean, because you might scare her off. Do you even remember how to smile? Also, if she agrees to go out with you, I have some coupons you can use for you and her at Subway. They've got those $5 subs. Five...Five dollar...five dollar footLONG!!!!!!"

Punisher: "Remind me to shoot YOU with a mercy bullet when this job is all over."

Microchip: "'K!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Jane cautiously entered the underground laboratory of the devious genius known as the Deadly Nightshade.

Mary Jane: "Nightshade?"

Nightshade: "Who's there? Speak up, or I'm gonna start busting caps in your ass!"

Mary Jane: "It's Mary Jane Watson. I called earlier to-"

Nightshade: "Yeah, I remember. You're that red-haired model girl. You're a friend of that Vixen chick."

Mary Jane: "Yep, that's me."

Nightshade emerged from a back room and looked Mary Jane up and down.

Nightshade: "You think you're better than me because you've got red hair?"

Mary Jane: "Um, no..."

Nightshade: "Uh huh. Now what the hell do you want?"

Mary Jane: "I heard that you are trying to develop a spider toxin to kill your enemies, but I was just wondering if you could instead make one of your spiders bite me."

Nightshade: "What girl in her right mind wants to be bitten by a spider? And what the hell is the point? Why come to me? Go in your backyard and find a spider. When you find one, piss it off. Problem solved."

Mary Jane: "The spider has to be radioactive, though. Can't you make one of your spiders radioactive?"

Nightshade: "Oh, now we're getting somewhere. Why do you want to be bitten by a radioactive spider?"

Mary Jane: "I'm marrying Spider-Man soon, and I want to bond with him in every way possible. What better way to really bond with him than to have the same powers as him?"

Nightshade started filing her nails, and then she looked Mary Jane up and down again.

Nightshade: "If I do this, and it backfires on you, don't come crying to me. I'm going to warn you beforehand: what you want is very dangerous. Spider-Man was lucky to survive his spider-bite.There's no guarantee that you will be that lucky."

Mary Jane: "I know the risks, but I really want to share this with Spider-Man."

Nightshade: "Hmmph. The dumb ass shit people do in the name of love."

Nightshade started chasing a radioactive spider around the room, and Mary Jane suddenly became puzzled.

Mary Jane: "Nightshade, have you ever been in love?"

Nightshade stopped chasing the radioactive spider and stared off into the distance. She stared off into the distance for so long that Mary Jane started staring in the same direction.

Nightshade: "Yes, I was in love once...it was a long time ago..."

Mary Jane: "In a galaxy far, far away?"

Nightshade: "Shut up and give me your arm, Freckles!"

Mary Jane offered her arm, closed her eyes and waited for the spider bite...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Punisher jumped out of the van and immediately began shooting mercy bullets at the Tickler. However, the Tickler proved to be extremely agile as she somersaulted all over the place to avoid the bullets. She was so fast that for a second, the Punisher lost sight of her.

And a second was all the Tickler needed...

Tickler: (tickling the Punisher) "Tickle tickle tickle..."

[moneyspider]

When Clark Kent walked into the Daily Planet, Lois Lane was sitting on his desk.

Lois: "Hi Clark!"

Clark: "What up."

Lois: "I gave you my phone number a week ago, but you haven't called me yet. Don't keep a girl waiting, Clark."

Clark yawned.

Lois looked perplexed and started to walk away, but Clark's inattentiveness was really turning her on. For a few seconds she just stood there, unsure of what to do. Eventually she walked back to her desk and started doodling Clark's name on her computer screen.

2 hours later, Lois returned to Clark's desk.

Lois: "Hey Clark."

Clark: "Hey."

Lois: "Whatcha doin'?"

Clark sighed in mock irritation.

Clark: "I'm trying to get this column written, but I can't do that if you're constantly yammering in my ear."

Lois: "Well excuse me for breathing!"

Lois stomped away, and Clark grinned.

10 minutes later...

Lois: "Clark, can you help me with something in the supply closet? I need to get a box down, but it's too heavy for me to pull down by myself."

Clark: "Just call one of the interns, Lois. They're supposed to be the lackeys around here."

Lois: "The lackeys are busy. Please? It will only take a few seconds."

Clark sighed, went into the supply closet with Lois and then reacted with shock when Lois shoved her tongue down his throat.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Misty Knight and Colleen Wing were at Police Headquarters in Commissioner Gordon's office.

Commissioner Gordon: "The others should be arriving shortly."

Colleen: "What others?"

As if on cue, the door opened and into the office walked Batman and Robin, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson, as well as Inspector Gadget and his niece Penny.

Misty: "Commissioner, what the hell is this?"

The commissioner lit his pipe, smoked it for a few seconds and then peered at Misty, trying to ignore her flawless beauty.

Commissioner Gordon: "This Ticker person is proving to be extremely elusive. I need as many detectives on this case as I can get. Not only is the Tickler tickling people in New York, but she keeps coming to Gotham to tickle people as well."

Batman: "Sooner or later she'll make a mistake, and Robin and I will catch her."

Misty: "Or perhaps Colleen and I will catch her, Batman."

Batman turned to Robin.

Batman: "She knows my secret identity, Damien, but she is only calling me Batman to protect it."

Robin: "No shit, Sherlock."

Sherlock Holmes: (to Robin) "I didn't say anything."

Inspector Gadget was staring at Misty and Colleen with wide eyes.

Commissioner Gordon: "Inspector, do you have anything to add?"

Inspector Gadget: "Go go gadget penis!"

Penny:"Ewwwwwwww! That's so gross!"

Misty: "You said what now!?"

Colleen: "Oh hell to the no!"

Bruce Wayne grinned, because he was the goddamn Batman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The goddamn Batman and Robin the motherfuckin' Boy Wonder somersaulted into the Batmobile 20 minutes later.

Batman: "When we find the Tickler, stay behind me, and don't wander off. That's how Jason Todd, the second Robin, died, cuz he wandered away from me and got his ass blown to pieces, may he rest in peace."

Robin: "First of all, he wasn't blown to pieces, because you cradled his ass in your arms. Second of all, Jason is alive."

Batman: "Don't you sass me, boy!"."

Robin rolled his eyes.

Robin: "You are so lame, Dad."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vixen was hot on the trail of the Tickler; using the nose of a bloodhound, Vixen was rapidly approaching the Tickler's apartment when Batwing swooped out of the sky and landed near her.

Batwing: "Vixen!"

Vixen: "Batwing?"

Batwing: "I'm glad I caught up with you. I'd just like to say that I am really looking forward to being your teammate on the Justice League International team."

Vixen: "Likewise."

Batwing stared at her with an open mouth.

Vixen: "Are you okay?"

Batwing: "Yeah, I'm good."

Vixen: "Are you going to close your mouth, or are you just going to leave it hanging open?"

Batwing: "Oh, sorry. It's just that you're so gorgeous."

Vixen: "Oh, thanks."

Massacre: "You're welcome."

Vixen: "Who in the world...?"

Batwing: "Oh noes! That's Massacre, the arch-nemesis I have been fighting against for the past 7 issues of my first solo comic book! Quick, let's get out of here before he massacres us!"

Vixen: "I run from no one, Batwing. Turtle."

Batwing: "I'm sorry?"

Vixen took on the characteristics of a turtle, ran up to Massacre and bit him on the finger like a turtle would.

Massacre: "I will turn you into turtle soup, girl, after I make sweet love to your corpse. I will feast on your bones and wash them down with your blood."

Massacre swung his ax at Vixen, but she took on the abilities of a cheetah and raced away from him. Suddenly she collapsed and lay still. Massacre ran over to her, felt for a pulse and then laughed when he found no signs of life.

Massacre: "One down, one to go."

Massacre was so busy scanning the area for signs of Batwing that he did not notice Vixen get up from playing possum.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rogue was at Macy's, trying to figure out what to buy the Blue Marvel for the one-week anniversary of their third date when she ran into Gambit.

Rogue: "Cajun, what on Earth are you doing at Macy's???"

Gambit: "I work here."

Rogue: "Doing what?"

Gambit sprayed some random dude with cologne as he passed by.

Rogue: "Oh."

Gambit: "I know it's not much, chere, but it pays dem bills. How's life?"

Rogue: "It's good."

Gambit: "I miss you. I miss holding you."

Rogue: "Gambit, don't start. I have a boyfriend."

Gambit: "And I have a girlfriend. Doesn't mean I don't still want to be with you. I'd dump the shit outta ole girl if it meant I could have you back. We are so good together, Rogue. I can give you so much more than the Blue Marvel can. Think about it; he just got back into the superhero biz, and is determined to never turn his back on crimefighting again. How long do you think it will be before he starts continuously abandoning you to go help someone? But if you were back with me, I would never leave your side. We're mutants, on the same team. When you and I fight crime, we fight together."

Rogue: "Gambit, you're confusing me, sugah. Wait, I didn't mean to call you sugah... I...I...I'm supposed to be buying Adam a gift..."

Gambit: "I have a gift for you. My heart."

Rogue fought back tears, and, for dramatic effect and an Academy Award nomination for "Best Emotional Scene," she quickly turned away from Gambit...

[moneyspider]

The Tickler was still tickling the Punisher.

Tickler: "Tickle tickle tickle!"

The Punisher started laughing and then got up to run away so that he could get his anger and his enthusiasm for killing criminals back. But when he returned to the area where he had just been tickled, the Tickler was gone.

Punisher: "Punisher to Microchip."

Microchip: "I'm here, Frank."

Punisher: "The Tickler got away. I'm returning to base."

Microchip: "Bring back McDonald's on the way back."

Punisher: "And you wonder why you're so overweight."

Microchip: "I'm not overweight! I'm jolly!"

Punisher: "Your breasts are larger than Jessica Simpson's!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Tickler returned to her apartment, removed her mask, and sat down on her bed. She was motionless for several minutes, thinking about how tickling people had stopped being fun. The thrill was completely gone. But would thrill her now? Kicking people? Punching people? Headbutting people? She didn't think calling herself The Headbutter would be a good move, so what could she do? Slap people?

The sexy Asian woman smiled, and then she leapt off the bed and started dancing around the room. Yes, that was it. That's who she would become. Slap on...slap off...slap on slap off...The Slapper!

Slap slap!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storm & the Black Panther were stepping off the escalator at a mall when Storm was slapped across her face.

Storm: "What the flying fuck I mean who did that?"

Black Panther: "I do not know...are you okay, Beloved?"

Storm: "I am undamaged, T'Challa. But I can't say the same for the one who slapped me. When I find out who it was..."

The Slapper: "It was me. I am the Slapper."

The Dora Milaje, who had not been in position to protect Storm from getting slapped, were definitely in position to protect her now. Before Storm had a chance to use her formidible hand-to-hand skills to smack the living shit out of the Slapper, Nakia and Okoye took turns punching the Slapper in the gut. The Slapper, knowing that she was outmanned (outwomaned???), ran away to slap another day. The Black Panther stealthily ran after her.

Storm: "Thanks, girls, although that was totally unnecessary. I could have dealt with the Slapper myself."

Nakia: (speaking to Storm in Hausa) "It is our duty to protect the queen, just as it is our duty to protect the king."

Storm: (speaking in Hausa) "But I am not the queen."

Okoye and Nakia said nothing, but just looked at her.

The Black Panther returned to Storm's side.

Black Panther: "The Slapper has escaped. Unfortunately, she has managed to mask her scent. Therefore I cannot track her."

Storm: "You're right,her escape is unfortunate. However, if I do ever encounter the Slapper again, she will not escape my wrath a second time. Come, T'Challa, accompany me to Victoria's Secret."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prof. Charles Xavier was reconfiguring Cerebro to look for stuff Cerebro really should not have been looking for...for example...

Prof. Xavier: "Cerebro, scan for female mutants who are currently not wearing panties."

Cerebro: "Scanning...15 female mutants detected sans panties."

Prof. Xavier: "Oooh! Me likey. Can you name the female mutants?"

Cerebro: "No."

Prof. Xavier: "Damn! Very well. Now scan for female mutants who are attracted to me and want me to massage their bods."

Cerebro: "Scanning...no female mutants detected that want you to feel them up."

Prof. Xavier: "Damn! Part 2."

Prof. Xavier returned to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. A few seconds later, Rogue came in.

Rogue: "Hi Professor."

Prof. Xavier: "Hello child. What's wrong? You look confused."

Rogue: "That's because I am. I'm torn between the Blue Marvel and Gambit. Ah don't know which one to choose."

Prof. Xavier: "Why choose? Just have a threesome. Everybody wins! Well, except for me, apparently."

Rogue: "I'm not talking about sex, Professor. I'm just talking about dating. Besides, the Blue Marvel and I have not had sex yet."

Prof. Xavier's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

Prof. Xavier: "You mean the Blue Marvel has not tapped that yet!!!???"

Rogue: "Ah'm sorry?"

Prof. Xavier: "I mean, what is the Blue Marvel thinking? I'm telling you right now, Rogue, if you were MY girl, I'd bend your over right now and fuck you so hard that every woman on the planet would feel it."

Rogue: "Not only is that so inappropriate to say to me, but what the hell are you talking about??? I'm talking about whether to date the Blue Marvel or Gambit, and you're up here talking about sex."

Prof. Xavier: "Yes. Sex. The deed. Shagging. Fucking. Copulating. Fornicating."

Rogue: "It's obvious to me now that you will be of no use to me in helping me make a decision. I'm going up to bed."

Prof. Xavier: "Do you require company?"

Rogue: "I wouldn't sleep with you even if you were the last man on Earth."

Prof. Xavier: "I think you're coming around to the idea. The last time I asked you that, you punched me through a wall. Yeah, I'm definitely wearing you down."

Rogue punched the professor through not just one wall, but two walls this time.

Prof. Xavier: (rubbing his jaw) "Of course, I could be wrong..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rogue was slipping into bed when someone knocked on her window. When she ran to it, she saw Gambit hanging from the ledge.

Rogue: "Gambit! What on earth are you doing here???"

She helped him inside, and Gambit kissed her.

Rogue: "Gambit, we can't..."

Gambit: "Please, chere, let's make love. Let's reconnect."

Rogue: "You have a girlfriend, and I have a boyfriend. We can't..."

Gambit kissed Rogue on one of her breasts, which caused Rogue to close her eyes and lick her lips.

Gambit: "I broke up with her this morning. She's not you, and I can no longer pretend that I care for her. I want you, Rogue."

Gambit started kissing her neck. Rogue's body began tingling with excitement, but she managed to wrench herself out of his arms.

Rogue: "No. We cannot do this. It's wrong. Now go home, take a cold shower and regather yourself. Good night, Gambit."

Gambit: "Good night, chere."

After Gambit left, Rogue got into bed and masturbated while thinking about Gambit. Then she masturbated again while thinking about the Blue Marvel. Then she masturbated again while thinking about Jarvis, butler to the Avengers.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gambit got back into his car and sighed.

Gambit: "Rogue wouldn't have sex with me. She doesn't want to cheat on the Blue Marvel. Apparently she really does care about him and doesn't want to hurt him."

Emma Frost: "Damn her. Damn her to hell..."

[moneyspider]

The next morning, Storm flew into the clouds, closed her eyes and generated a really heavy downpour all over New York, since the area had not seen any precipitation for a few weeks. She kept the downpour going for an hour, and then, satisfied that the state had gotten a good soaking, stopped thinking of rain, coaxed the sun out from behind the clouds and gently levitated back down to the New Lots, Brooklyn apartment that she shared with her boyfriend and best friend,T'Challa, the Black Panther.

Black Panther: "Good morning, Ororo. I made you breakfast."

Storm: "Good morning, Beloved. Thank you."

Storm put on a bathrobe and tied it, but the tie came loose and parts of her lithe body were visible...which the Black Panther stared at. He concentrated on both her and on his own breakfast while he listened to Storm's recount of the dreams she had had the previous night.

As Storm & the Black Panther conversed over pancakes, sausages, eggs, orange juice and oatmeal, the Dora Milaje stared at Storm, both Okoye and Nakia were amazed yet jealous of Ororo's beauty. The American term "girl crush" sprang to mind for the Dora Milaje.

Black Panther: "So what are your plans for today?"

Storm: "Well, I have a Danger Room session in about two hours, and then Jean, Rogue and I are going to check out the new mall in the Bronx. What are your plans?"

Black Panther: "I have to go to Wakanda to attend a few meetings."

The light went out of Storm's eyes, and she suddenly didn't have an appetite. She was always deeply saddened whenever T'Challa was called back to Wakanda on business. Every second away from him seemed like an eternity. She had grown accustomed to him being by her side, no matter what the situation.

Storm: "When will you be back?"

Black Panther: "I'll probably be back home before you are."

Storm's eye lit up again.

Storm: "Really?"

Black Panther: "Yeah. All I have to do is use the Nowhere Room to reach Wakanda in a matter of seconds. Later on tonight, can I take you to the movies?"

Storm: (giggling) "Of course you can."

Storm & the Black Panther stared into each other's cat-like eyes for a while, mesmerized with each other as they continued eating breakfast in comfortable silence. As Storm stared at him, she couldn't help but think about what their potential babies would look like. As a matter of fact, for the past few months, Storm had been fantasizing about making babies with the Black Panther.
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Tony Stark woke up in the Avengers mansion and expected to see the supermodel Adriana Lima sleeping right next to him, but she was gone. However, the note that she had left on the pillow informed him that she had enjoyed her time with him and that she would like to hang out with him again. Tony entered the phone number she had left on the note into his cellphone and then went to take a shower.

After his shower, he went into the kitchen, where Jarvis was making breakfast.

Tony: "Good morning, Jarvis, what's for breakfast?"

Jarvis: "Corn flakes."

Tony: "I'm sorry?"

Jarvis: "I haven't time to make you and the other Avengers a proper breakfast. I have to meet supermodel Marisa Miller for breakfast. Last night she called me and asked me out! Not only that, but she wants me to help her raise her baby, now that she's kicked her husband to the curb!"

Tony: "She whaaaaaaat? You, going out with a supermodel?"

Jarvis: "You are not the only one who has a way with the ladies. I'm sexy and I know it, Marisa knows it, and your mom knows it."
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On Cloud City, the doors to a room opened, and Darth Vader was sitting at a table.

Han Solo, Princess Leia Organa and Chewbacca stared at Vader in horror while Lando Calrissian looked on. Han grabbed his laser blaster and shot at Darth Vader, but Vader deflected the blasts with his hand and used the Force to grab the weapon from Han.

Darth Vader: "We would be honored if you would join us."

Boba Fett emerged from behind a curtain and stood next to Vader.

Leia, Han and Chewbacca sat down, as did Vader and Boba Fett. Vader stared from Han and Leia, then from Leia to Han several times.

Darth Vader: "So..."

One of the commanders from the Death Star came into the room and began serving breakfast. Darth Vader stared at his dry waffles while Chewbaca growled at some runny eggs on a plate.

Darth Vader: "Where's the syrup, Commander?"

Commander: "Sorry Lord Vader, but we are all out of syrup."

Darth Vader: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Han Solo chuckled.

Darth Vader stared at Han.

Darth Vader: "So, Han Solo...are you sleeping with my daughter?"

Han: "Uh, well, um...ah...let's see...oh boy...well the thing is...actually..."

Leia: "Daddy, just stop."

Darth Vader: "I asked Solo a simple question."

Leia: "Daddy, you're embarrassing me..."

Han: "Yes, I'm banging your daughter."

Darth Vader: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
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The last time we saw Clark Kent and Lois Lane, they were making out in the supply closet at the Daily Planet. Since that time, things have gotten a lot more intimate, and as we now join them, we are discovering that Clark and Lois are finally having sex. However, the experience is proving to be too intense for both co-workers, because Clark feel like he is about to explode, and Lois feels like her whole body is being torn apart...although it feels good. Lois has never felt this way, and she never wants it to end. She is moaning loudly as Clark is continuously thrusting mightily into her, and her eyes are rolling back so far in her head that she can no longer see. She is sweating immensely, and she is grinning so hard that her face hurts, and normally her fingernails would be so embedded in Clark's back that she would have left skin indentations, but Clark's back can not be penetrated.

And speaking of penetration, Clark is extremely close to cumming...but can he hold it in? Will he pull out in time? Does Lois even want him to pull out in time? She can't decide...she can't even think right now. The sensations and feelings are just too intense and all over the place right now...the harder he thrusts into her, the harder she wants it...she calls out his name, she tells him to continue, and to never stop fucking her, and to fuck her till she bleeds, but the words don't come out because her voice is too hoarse from shouting "YES CLARK!!!!!!!! OH GOD YES, CLARK!!!!!! and moaning.

Lois and Clark are totally unaware that their co-workers have gathered outside of the locked supply closet and are listening to them having sex. The lovers are totally in the moment, and then Clark stares into Lois' eyes, as though asking for permission. Lois nods her approval, and then whispers "DO IT" into his ear, and then he cums, and the force of his ejaculate shooting into her propels her through the floorboards, down 18 stories into the basement of the Daily Bugle.

Lois lapses into a coma, but she still has a huge smile on her face.
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Massacre, who was still looking for Batwing, was unaware that Vixen was creeping up on him. By the time he realized it, it was too late; when he spun around to face her, she channeled the power of an elephant and used all of the massive weight in her foot to kick him in the testicles.

Massacre crumpled to the ground and just laid there, too shocked to even shout out in pain.

Batwing flew back down to the ground.

Batwing: "It took you only a few minutes to do what I tried to do in seven issues of my comic book!"

Vixen shrugged.

Vixen: "It wasn't really me. It's the animals that help me do what I do. But if you will excuse me, I have to continue helping Misty Knight and Colleen Wing apprehend the Tickler*"

*The Tickler changed her name to The Slapper in the previous issue, but Vixen does not know that yet - The Mischievous Moneyspider*

Vixen took off running, using the powers of an antelope, and Batwing thought about flying after her to ask her out, but the possibility of her turning him down and then having to face her afterwards as a Justice League International teammate made him think twice about taking such an action...

[moneyspider]

Darth Vader was practicing his intimidation techniques in his room aboard the dreaded Death Star.

Darth Vader: (pointing at the mirror) "Ahem...you are a traitor to the Empire! No, that's not right...you are plotting against the Empire, and for this you will die! No, that's not right, either. You treasonous rebel scum! Ugh, that sucked. You are part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor! No, that's not it, either..."

Someone knocked on the door. Darth Vader hurriedly put his helmet back on, sat down and struck an intimidating pose.

Darth Vader: "Enter if you so dare!"

The Emperor strode into the room, and Darth Vader immeditately jumped to his feet to bow.

Emperor: "Lord Vader?"

Darth Vader: "Yes, my master?"

Emperor: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise."

Darth Vader rose.

Emperor: "Lord Vader?"

Darth Vader: "Yes, my master?"

Emperor: "Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."

Darth Vader sat.

Emperor: "Lord Vader?"

Darth Vader: "Yes, my master?"

Emperor: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise."

Darth Vader rose.

Emperor: "Lord Vader?"

Darth Vader: (sighing) "Yes, my master?"

Emperor: "Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."

Darth Vader sat.

Emperor: "Lord Vader?"

Darth Vader: "What?"

Emperor: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-"

Darth Vader: "Alright, look! I've just about had enough of you!"

The Emperor cackled.

Emperor: "Good! Let the hatred flow through you, Lord Vader! The more you hate, the more I control you."

Darth Vader held his anger in check, but fantasized about drop-kicking the old geezer into a reactor shaft.

Darth Vader: (thinking) "One day, old man. One day..."
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Doctor Doom was sitting on his throne in Latveria, thinking of all the possible ways to kill Reed Richards, So far, he had thought about 2,564 ways. Suddenly one of his servants approached the throne.

Servant: "Sire, we just intercepted a transmission. King T'Challa of Wakanda is on his way back to his country. His girlfriend, the mutant known as Storm, is all alone in America now."

Doctor Doom: "Doom knows damn well who T'Challa's girlfriend is, you prattling fool. And you show your ignorance: Storm is never truly alone. She is always hanging around those accursed X-Men. Now leave; Doom grows annoyed at your existence in his presence."

The servant bowed and left, and Doctor Doom pictured Storm in his mind. The last time he had seen her, she had been so beautiful...but she had always been beautiful, and every time he saw her in person, he wanted to possess her. There was just something about her that made him want to impose himself in every aspect of her life.

But the Black Panther was in Doom's way, and Doom did not like having anything, or anyone, stand in his way.

Doctor Doom stopped thinking of ways to kill Reed Richards and began thinking of a multitude of ways to kill the Black Panther.
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Emma Frost, still pissed that Rogue had not cheated on the Blue Marvel, walked into the office of Lex Luthor.

Lex: "Emma Frost. Well, this is certainly a surprise. What can I do for you?"

Emma: "I need you to offer Rogue money to stop dating the Blue Marvel."

Lex: "What's in it for me?"

Emma: "One night with me."

Lex frowned.

Lex: "You're going to have to do a lot better than that."

Emma: "Two nights with me."

Lex: "It's a shame we couldn't do business together. Good day, Ms. Frost."

Emma: "Alright, alright. One week of sex with me. That's my final offer."

Lex: "You really must like the Blue Marvel to be going to this much trouble."

Emma: "You have no idea."
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Nightshade was in her laboratory when Achebe, a nemesis of Storm and the Black Panther, crashed through a window with his hand puppet Daki in tow.

Achebe: "Greetings, Deadly Nightshade! Daki and I have need of you!"

Nightshade sighed.

Nightshade: "Dude, I'm tired. I just got done giving spider powers to some red-haired girl, and I'm really not in the mood to help anyone else."

Achebe: "I have $5 million dollars, stolen from Kobe Bryant, that says you will help me destroy the Black Panther."

Nightshade: "Show me the money, honey..."
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Amora the Enchantress was in her bedroom in Asgard, staring at a huge poster of Thor when Loki appeared in her room.

Amora: "Don't you ever knock, fool????"

Loki: "I say thee nay!"

Amora: "Now you are sounding like Thor. Oh how I want him."

Loki: "Thor is such a bore. Why pine away for him, when you can have me?"

Amora laughed so hard that tears sprang to her eyes.

Amora: "Thanks for the laugh, Loki. But you are so unworthy of me. Your step-brother, on the other hand, is definitely worthy of my affection."

Loki's eyes glinted with mischief.

Loki: "Thor doesn't want your dumb ass. He's got eyes for a Midgard woman named Jane Foster."

Amora: "I am aware of this, Loki. But she won't pose much of a threat much longer..."

[moneyspider]

Avengers VS. X-Men!!!

After T'Challa the Black Panther used Shadow Physics and the Nowhere Room to quickly return to New York from his political meetings in Wakanda, he and Storm ran to Avengers Mansion right quick before they went to the movies. Apparently, there was a crisis on the horizon, and Captain America had called all available Avengers to assemble.

Moments later, Captain America looked around at all of the Avengers gathered around the table. The mansion was filled with so many Avengers that they were spilling outside.

Captain America: "Thank you all for coming. We have reason to believe that Doctor Doom holds the Cube in his possession. With it, he can destroy this universe and create another one to his liking."

Black Panther: "How did Doom get his hands on the Cosmic Cube?"

Captain America: "Actually, T'Challa, Doom has gotten his hands on a Rubik's Cube."

Thor: "I say thee nay!"

Ms. Marvel: "Oh Gods! No!"

Vision: "What she said."

Captain America: "I'm afraid so. We must get that Rubik's Cube out of Doom's hands before all hell breaks loose."

Storm: "Doom possessing the Rubik's Cube may not be such a bad thing. Think about it. If he is so occupied with the Rubik's Cube, he won't think to go after the Cosmic Cube. While he is playing with the Rubik's Cube, T'Challa and I can use the Nowhere Room to transport the Cosmic Cube somewhere safe."

Captain America: "Stand down, Storm."

Storm: "Excuse me?"

Captain America: "At ease, soldier."

Storm: "Oh no he didn't."

Black Panther: "He did, Ororo."

Captain America: "As Avengers, it is our duty to keep all cubes out of Doom's hands...even ice cubes."

Ice Cube: "Let's see YOUR I.D.!"

Storm: "Don't be an idiot, Steven. As long as Doom has the Rubik's Cube, everything will be alright. Don't take that away from him, or he'll go after the Cosmic Cube."

Captain America: "Again, we must keep all cubes away from him. We don't want him to misuse the Rubik's Cube to further his own agenda."

Storm: "Fuck this. I'm out. T'Challa, I'll see you at home."

Black Panther: "Ororo-"

Captain America: "Let her go, Panther."

Black Panther pointed at him.

Black Panther: "Shut your star-bangled-bannered ass up, Steven Rogers."

Black Panther ran after Storm.

Black Panther: "Ororo, wait up! I'm coming with you!
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Superman, who was looking for Lois Lane after she plummeted several floors down after their sex session, finally found her unconscious under the rubble. He cradled her in his arms and then flew her to the nearest hospital. The fact that he was Superman brought numerous doctors toward him, but it was Dr. Meredith Grey from the show "Grey's Anatomy" that finally stopped gawking at him and actualy spoke.

Dr. Meredith Grey: "Superman! I'm Dr. Grey. What seems to be the problem?"

Superman: "Lois Lane is unconscious, Doctor. Can you revive her?"

Dr. Meredith Grey threw water at Lois, but all she succeeded in doing was drenching the woman.

Dr. Meredith Grey: "That usually works. Let's take her to the E.R."

Once in the E.R., Meredith attempted to shock Lois Lane back to consciousness, which did not work, either.

Dr. Meredith Grey: "Huh. That's a new one on me. Doctors, Superman, please accompany me into the next room."

As soon as Lois Lane was left alone in the E.R., the Slapper, who was still on the loose, appeared from behind a curtain, looked around and then silently strode toward Lois Lane.

Slapper: (slapping the shit out of Lois Lane) "Girl, wake your dumb ass up!"

Lois Lane's eyes flew open, and the Slapper disappeared back behind the curtain as Dr. Meredith Grey, the other doctors and Superman returned to the E.R.

Superman: "Dr. Grey, she's awake!"

Dr. Meredith Grey: "How do you feel Lois?"

Lois Lane: "I feel fine, doctor. Why am I here?"

Superman: "Lois, you fell several stories into the basement after we had sex."

Lois Lane: "I didn'thave sex with you. I had sex with Clark Kent."

Superman: "I am Clark Kent."

Lois Lane: "Riiiiiiiiiiight."

Superman changed into Clark Kent, and then changed back into Superman.

Lois Lane: "Get the fuck outta here! Superman is Clark Kent?????"

Superman nodded.

Superman: "Both Clark Kent and Superman rocked your world."

Lois Lane: "Come fuck me in the ass, you eyeball-sucking bitch!"

Superman: "Um, who are you talking to, Lois?"

Lois Lane: "Sticky bastards eat terds!"

Dr. Meredith Grey frowned and began waving medical instruments over Lois' body. After she took some X-rays of Lois' body, she studied the X-ray scans and then looked at Superman.

Dr. Meredith Grey: "Superman, you'd better have a look at this."

Superman: "What is it, Doctor?"

Dr. Meredith Grey: "These scans show that Lois Lane has suffered severe physical and psychological trauma after having had sex with you. Her cursing seems to indicate that she is suffering from Tourette's Syndrome."

Lois Lane's right arm suddenly shot upward and punched a male doctor in his crotch. When the doctor doubled over in pain, Lois' left leg kicked upward and kicked a female doctor in the ear.

Dr. Meredith Grey: "And her limbs acting as they just did would seem to indicate that she is now suffering from physical Tourette's Syndrome as well...Superman, it is my diagnosis that you fucked Lois Lane so hard that you gave her mental and physical Tourette's Syndrome."

Lois Lane rammed her head into the wall while repeatedly shouting "My cats suck cock for a living!"
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Later that day, in the Justice League Watchtower...

Superman: "...so you see, I'm responsible for Lois' condition."

Batman frowned as though in deep thought, while Wonder Woman just stared at Superman.

Wonder Woman: "Kal-El, are you sure the doctor's diagnosis was accurate? What if it wasn't having sex with you that caused Lois' Tourette's? What if it was the fall that gave her the condition? It's possible that the impact with the ground triggered her condition."

Batman: "Kal-El, Wonder Woman's right. It might just be your ego that makes you think your sexual prowess affected Lois. What if you're wrong?"

Wonder Woman: "There's only one way to test your theory, Kal-El. You'll have to have sex with another ordinary female. Aren't you still friends with Lana Lang?"

Superman: "I am."

Wonder Woman: "Then I suggest you get her into bed. If you fuck her as hard as you fucked Lois, and Lana comes out all crazy, then you'll know your theory was correct. Also, you might have to have sex with a super-powered woman, just to see if you have the same effect on her. Normally I'd volunteer to have sex with you, but not only am I waiting to lose my virginity to the Blue Marvel, but I would wear your Kryptonian ass out, and you'd never recover. You should try to have sex with Amora the Enchantress. She seems slutty."

Batman: "Amora the Enchantress has the hots for Thor. I doubt she would want to have sex with anyone except him. And since when are you a virgin?"

Wonder Woman: "Shut up..."