Marvel Universe High School 1: "Shut Up, Logan!"

[moneyspider]

Note: the artwork below is property of Marvel Entertainment; all I did was remove the original Marvel dialogue text and replace it with my own.

[moneyspider]

The morning after the slumber party, when Storm and Black Panther returned to their apartment from food shopping, they discovered that their apartment was nowhere to be found. Actually, that's not true; their apartment had been reduced to rubble, but the neighboring apartments were still standing.

Storm: "Okay, what's going on here?"

Black Panther scanned the rubble with the special lenses built into his mask.

Black Panther: "Our apartment was destroyed my nanites, Ororo."

Storm: "Hell to the no. That can only mean one thing."

Dr. Doom jumped out of a corridor.

Dr. Doom: "Haha! Doom rules all!"

After Doom ran away, Storm and Black Panther chased him.
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Later that day, when Emma Frost was about to eat an ice cream cone at the Charles Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, Storm grabbed the ice cream cone, licked it and then threw it on the floor.

Emma: "Storm! What the fuck!?"

Storm shrugged. "Sorry, I'm a little frustrated. T'Challa and I had a little run-in with Doom about an hour ago but when we tried to fight him, he escaped through some type of portal. And besides, that's payback for all the years of torment you've given me. Remember in the fifth grade when you pulled my hair?"

Emma: "In my defense, you were already having a bad hair day."

Storm: "What about that time in the first grade when you dunked my head in a rain puddle in the schoolyard?"

Emma: "You looked thirsty!"

Storm: "And what about that time in the third grade when you intercepted a note that I was trying to pass to T'Challa?"

Emma: "You're going to have to be more specific than that...which time?"

Storm smiled and stared out a window.

Storm: "Yeah, T'Challa and I did pass a lot of notes to each other in grade school, didn't we?"

Emma: "You two are still ridiculous with the notes. Now yall have gone from constant note-passing to constant texting, and no doubt sexting."

Storm began humming while thinking about T'Challa.

Storm: "Ah, Man Candy. Hehe, Mandy."

Emma: "What?"

Storm: "It's just a nickname I tease T'Challa with. Have you seen the Professor?"

Emma: "He was up in his room moaning about ten minutes ago, but I haven't seen him."

Storm: "Moaning? Maybe he's fallen, or maybe he's in trouble!"

Emma: "Or maybe he just got done rubbing one out and fell asleep."

Storm: "He really needs to get laid."

Emma: "Forget him. I'm the one who needs to get laid."

Storm: "You mean you and Doctor Doom still haven't-"

Emma: "No, and I don't intend to. But I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't have sex with him. He still thinks I'm on my period. I had to tell him that for some mutant females, periods last longer."

Storm: "Good luck with that."

Emma: "Now the way I see it, you and T'Challa still owe me for setting me up with that Latverian asshole in the first place."

Storm: "Oh well. Sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some."

Emma: "Meaning?"

Storm: "Meaning that T'Challa and I have fixed up a few people with other people. Sometimes we're successful in that, sometimes we're not. We're marking you down in our "Loss" column."

Emma: "Please, Storm, help me get away from Doom. The more I stay with him, the more he tries to control me. Every time he tries to get close, I run away. Sooner or later I'll be out of excuses."

Storm: "Look, I'll talk to T'Challa. Maybe he can rig up some sort of Emma Frost robot or something."

Emma: "You mean like a Doombot?"

Storm: "Yes."

Emma: "Hmmm...well, if you and your boyfriend want to make it up to me, you two can also try setting me up with the Blue Marvel."

Storm: "He's dating T'Challa's sister Shuri."

Emma looked heartbroken.

Emma: "How serious is their relationship?"

Storm: "It can't be too serious, they just started dating."

Emma: "Then I might still have a chance with him. As long as they are casually dating. But I have to move fast. Does he always travel to Wakanda to see her?"

Storm: "I think so. But T'Challa would probably have a better idea of how often Shuri sees him."
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Rogue was sitting in her room, writing in her diary when Monet St. Croix peeked in.

Monet: "Freeing your mind?"

Rogue: "In a way."

Monet: "You okay? You look depressed."

Rogue: "Don't worry about me, how are you doing? I heard through the grapevine that your detective agency is closing down and that X-Factor is disbanding?"

Monet: "Yeah, I'm really bummed about it, but I'm pretty, so I'll probably just start modeling or something to make a living."

Rogue: "Oh, well if you ever need modeling advice, you could always talk to Vixen and Mary Jane Watson."

Monet: "I need modeling advice from actual models, not dinosaurs."

Rogue: "Wow."

Monet flipped her hair and started reading Rogue's journal.

Rogue: "Um, excuse you!"

Monet: "Oh calm down. But I gotta say, you're wasting your time writing about Wolverine."

Rogue: "Why do you say that?"

Monet: "From what I hear, Wolverine's got a really small dick."

Rogue: "No, that can't be right."

Monet: "Look, that guy is not the best there is at what he does, know what I mean? He may have had a lot of women over the years, but they're not exactly bragging about their affairs with him."

Rogue: "There's more to life than big penises."

Monet: "Like what?"
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Peter Parker, the Superior Spider-Man, was in his room at May Parker's house when Mary Jane Watson climbed through his window.

Mary Jane: "Hey."

Peter: "Hey."

Felicity Porter: (from the "Felicity" TV show) "Hey."

Ben Covington: (from the "Felicity" TV show) "Hey."

Noel Crane: (from the "Felicity" TV show) "Hey."

Julie Emerick: (from the "Felicity" TV show) "Hey."

After Mary Jane pushed Felicity and her friends out of the window, she turned to Peter.

Mary Jane: "Peter, I must say that over the past few weeks, you've been different. You're no longer whiny and emo. Now, you're more determined, more strategic and more confident. I've never been more turned on by you."

Peter: "You haven't seen anything yet."

Mary Jane sat next to him on the bed.

Mary Jane: "What are you building?"

Peter: "A new spider costume built completely from my artificial webbing. It will be stronger than steel, but will still allow me to be flexible and agile."

Mary Jane stared at Peter's mouth.

Mary Jane: "Feel like taking a break?"

Peter: "Perhaps."

Mary Jane started playing with her hair as she stared at his face. A few seconds later, she was playing with his hair.

Peter: "What are you doing, MJ?"

Mary Jane: "Nothing. Hurry up and finish that costume so you can take a break."

Peter: "This costume won't be done for hours, so I'll take a break now. What did you have in mind?"

Mary Jane rammed her tongue down Peter's throat.
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Susan Richards was sitting in the family room in the Baxter Building when her daughter Valeria walked in.

Valeria: "Hi Momma."

Susan: "S'up."

Valeria: "Momma?"

Susan: "What, kid?"

Valeria: "Where do babies come from?"

Susan: "Men knock women up. The end."

Valeria: "Knock?"

Susan sighed. "Men impregnate women. End of story."

Valeria: "Impregnate?"

Susan rubbed her own face. "Impregnate means men put babies in women."

Valeria scratched her mother's head in confusion. "So men buy babies at the store and then put them inside women? Couldn't women just buy the babies directly and insert the babies in themselves?"

Susan: "Oy ve. No no no. Look, kid, don't you have some homework to do?"

Valeria: "I already finished it on the bus ride home, Momma."

Susan: "Of course you did. Cuz you're a freaking genius, like your long-legged daddy. Go do your brother's homework, then. God knows the boy needs help."

Valeria nodded and studied her mother.

Valeria: "You seem tense, Momma."

Susan: "I'm fine."

Valeria: "Are you tense because you want Daddy to put a baby in you?"
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[moneyspider]

Reed Richards was fiddling with another gadget in his laboratory when Valeria poked him on the shoulder.

Valeria: "Daddy?"

Reed: "Yes?"

Valeria: "Momma's tense."

Reed: "Oh?"

Valeria: "Yes...I think she wants the sex."

Reed: "Excuse me?"

Valeria: "You know...she's gotta have it."

Reed: "I beg your pardon?"

Valeria: "Oh Daddy. Come on, now. Momma already told me that it's the men who put the babies in the women. When was the last time you put a baby in Momma?"

Reed: "You were the last time I put a baby in your mother. And why are we talking about this, young lady?"

Valeria: "I told you, Papa. I think Momma wants another baby in her."

Reed: "I'm not comfortable having this conversation with a little girl."

Valeria sipped her chocolate milk.

Valeria: "Do you think Namor would put a baby in Momma?"

Reed pointed toward the door. "Out!"
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Ms. Marvel was eating Cracklin' Oat Bran in the cafeteria at Avengers Tower when Adam the Blue Marvel strolled in.

Blue Marvel: "Hi Carol."

Ms. Marvel: "Hello Adam. How are you?"

Blue Marvel: "I can't complain. Everything's great. I can't begin to tell you how great it is to be fighting crime again. I feel like a new man."

Ms. Marvel: "That's great. So, I heard you and Shuri are an item."

Blue Marvel: "Well, we were, but we broke up."

Ms. Marvel: "Oh really? What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

Blue Marvel: "She got tired of me always running off to fight crime. We had a few dates in Wakanda, but it seemed like every time we tried to spend quality time together, an emergency would pop up. And since I vowed to fight crime whenever and wherever it was after coming out of retirement, I kept leaving the dates early. So she gave me my walking papers. But I don't blame her or anything. She's a great woman...she'll make another man happy one day. The next woman that I date will have to be okay with my crime-fighting, though."

Ms. Marvel: "You'll find the right woman, Adam. I just know it."

Blue Marvel: "Thanks. Now how about you? How have you been?"

Ms. Marvel: "I've run into the same thing that you have. I've been doing a lot of crime-fighting lately, which makes the dating scene really tough. I've been single for a while now."

Blue Marvel poured syrup on his pancakes.

Ms. Marvel laughed. "Remember when you and I tried to date?"

Blue Marvel: "Yep."

Ms. Marvel: "Man, I went kind of looney tunes there for a while when we attempted that. Ba-dee ba-dee that's all, folks."

Blue Marvel: "It was certainly an interesting period of time back then. And I'm sure everyone goes a little crazy from time to time."

Ms. Marvel: "But that's in the past. I'm not like that anymore. I've got my head on straight. And I know this is a bit forward, but maybe you and I could try it again."

Blue Marvel: "I would like that."
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Cyclops was at the Charles Xavier Institute for Higher Learning when Storm glided through the window and kicked him square in the face. Cyclops flew backwards and crashed to the floor.

Storm: "No, don't get up."

Cyclops: "I hope you have a very good reason for doing that, Storm."

Storm: "I do. I'm here to inform you that your reign over the X-Men is over. From here on out, I am the new leader of the X-Men."

Cyclops laughed and rose to his feet.

Cyclops: "You? Please, Storm. You don't have what it takes to be the X-Men leader. All it would take is for someone to push you into an enclosed space, and you'd be a total wreck."

When Rogue walked in, Storm took one of her gloves and smacked Cyclops across the face with it.

Storm: "I hereby challenge you to a duel. In 10 minutes, meet me out in the courtyard."

Cyclops: "Storm. Please. Be reasonable."

Storm: "10 minutes."
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Black Panther poked his head inside Reed Richards' laboratory.

Black Panther: "Reed?"

Reed: "T'Challa! Come on in!"

Black Panther: "Thanks. I've come to ask a favor: would you mind if Ororo and I stayed in the Baxter Building for a few days until we can find another apartment? Doctor Doom destroyed ours."

Reed: "Of course you two are welcome to stay here, you don't even have to ask. Did you retaliate against Doom yet?"

Black Panther: "In a way, yes. Storm and I built an Emmabot that will make Doom wish he had never laid eyes on Emma Frost. He will be slowly tortured."

Reed: "That's cool. Listen, it's perfect timing that you and Storm will be here tonight. Would you mind babysitting Valeria and Franklin tonight? I'm taking Sue out to dinner."

Black Panther: "I'm not sure what time Storm will be done with her errands, but I can watch your kids for you."

Reed: "Thanks man! I'd better go get ready, or Sue will put my head on a platter."
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Raven was cooking her own breakfast in the New Titans headquarters when Nightwing came down the stairs.

Nightwing: "Raven! What is up?"

Raven mumbled a greeting and stirred her egg yolk.

Nightwing: "What have you been up to?"

Raven stared at him with emotionless eyes.

Raven: "Starfire and I went to a slumber party."

Nightwing: "That sounds cool."

Raven shrugged and tossed some sausage patties into a skillet. "Turn your back not, for you never know when someone will be waiting to twist in that knife for the final time. If they turn the knife, you gasp, and then you collapse in a sad, tragic heap on the lawn that is your life."

Nightwing: "Um, ok..."

Raven turned her sausage patties over and then stared at Nightwing again.

Raven: "Starfire likes you."

Nightwing: "I like her, too."

Raven: "No, I mean it. She really, really likes you. She wonders how big your penis is."

Nightwing: "Huh?"

Raven said nothing more; she finished cooking her breakfast, took it into her room and slammed the door shut.
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Black Panther was on the couch in the Baxter Building, reading "Scientific Times" when Valeria stepped into the room.

Valeria: "Hello T'Challa."

Black Panther: "Hello, Valeria Richards. How are you?"

Valeria: "I'm ok. Listen, I've got a question."

Black Panther: "Hopefully I have a suitable answer."

Valeria: "Cool. Um...how often do you give it to Storm?"

Black Panther: "How often do I give what to Storm?"

Valeria sighed. "T'Challa. Come on. It's me, Valeria. You can tell me."

Black Panther: "I can tell you what?"

Valeria: "You can tell me how often you give it to Storm."

Black Panther: "I'm not following, I'm afraid."

Valeria: "Can I be blunt?"

Black Panther: "That would be most helpful."

Valeria: "How often do you give Storm the dick?"

Black Panther: "Reed!"
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Speaking of Reed, he and Susan Richards had just sat down to dinner at the fanciest restaurant in New York...

Susan: "This is a really lovely place, Reed. I hear the food is fantastic."

Reed: "Only the best for you, darling. Oh, before I forget, T'Challa and Ororo are going to be staying in the Baxter Building for a few days until they can find a new apartment. Victor von Doom destroyed their old one."

Susan: "Oh my God!"

Reed: "Yeah, Doom's an asshole."

Susan: "No, I wasn't saying "Oh my God!" about Doom...I just saw Namor walk in."

Reed's jaw tightened, and then he balled up a fist when Namor approached their table.

Namor: "Susan Storm. You look even more gorgeous than you did the last time I saw you."

Susan: "Hi Namor."

Namor: "Richards."

Reed: "Fish stick..."