Marvel Universe High School 1: "Shut Up, Logan!"

[moneyspider]

The Black Panther returned home and saw Storm watching TV while sipping some Wakandan herbal tea.

Black Panther: “Ororo, I think we should annul our relationship.”

Storm: “No.”

Black Panther: “Very well then.”

Storm patted the seat cushion next to her, and the Black Panther ran over to her and sat down.

Storm: “How was your day?”

Black Panther: “It was fine. I am now King of the dead, baby!”

Storm: “Whatever the hell that means.”

Black Panther: “Bast has given me the strength and the knowledge of all the Black Panther monarchs that came before me.”

Storm put down her tea, turned down the television volume and turned toward him.

Storm: “Interesting…so how strong are you now?”

Black Panther: “Unknown!”

Storm: “Hmm…okay, how intelligent and knowledgeable are you now?”

Black Panther: “Unknown!”

Storm: “How soon will you know?”

Black Panther: “Unknown!”

Storm: “Ooohkaaaaay…”

Black Panther: “And your day was how?”

Storm sighed as she stretched her long legs.

Storm: “Today I was sent back to the X-books, where Professor Xavier promptly tried to put me in chains for a photo shoot. The theme was “A Day at the Circus." Oh, and guess what??? They made me put a lock pick in my mouth to show that I was going to escape from my shackles!”

Black Panther: “I’ll beat his bald mutated ass!”

Storm: “Now Beloved, don’t fight my battles for me. I can handle the professor. Now come with me…let’s see just how much stronger you really are…”

Three hours later, after Storm and the Black Panther emerged from the bedroom…

Storm: “Oh.My.Fucking.GODDESS!”

Black Panther: “Let me know when you’re ready to go again.”

Storm: “I’m going to impregnate you.”

[moneyspider]

At an awards ceremony, Angelina Jolie stuck out her bony chicken leg from underneath her black dress, and the men in the audience oohed and aahed, because they had been brainwashed into believing that the woman looked good, even when she didn't eat.

Betty White: "Oh sure.When she shows her leg, men drool. When I show my leg, people vomit."

Wolverine: "With good reason."

Betty White: "Shut up, Logan!"

Wolverine lit his cigar and stared at his invitation to the Academy Awards...being old friends with Betty White certainly had its perks.

Betty White: "Now don't forget, Logan. When they call me onstage to receive my Lifetime Achievement Award, I want you to escort me up there and pose as my boytoy. Jennifer Lopez has one, and now so do I."

Wolverine: "I just threw up in my mouth."

Betty White: "Nonsense, Logan. I seem to recall a time when you used to chase me all over the neighborhood, trying to get under my skirt to taste and savor my delights."

Wolverine: "I need a drink. Bartender!"

Betty White: "They don't have bartenders at award ceremonies, Logan. Now help me pick my breasts up off the floor."
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Susan Richards peered into her bedroom and saw Reed Richards staring at some diagrams.

Susan: "Oh Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed..."

Reed: "Huh?"

Susan: "I have something for you..."

Reed: "Is it the negative zone activator?"

Susan: "No..."

Reed: "Is it a demobulizer?"

Susan: "Whatever that is..."

Reed frowned and ran to a calculator. Susan strode seductively into the room and tripped over one of Reed's gadgets.

Susan: "Damnit!"

Reed: "Are you alright, dear?"

Susan: "Yeah, I'll be fine."

Reed: "Actually, I was talking to Siri."
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Coincidentally, at that same moment, Nick Fury was in his apartment aboard the Shield Helicarrier, talking to Siri."

Nick Fury: "Siri...."

Siri: "Sam. Er, I mean Nick."

Nick Fury: "Want some hotspacho?"

Siri: "No."

Shield Agent Maria Hill barged into his apartment with a gun drawn.

Maria Hill: "Sir, we've just received word that Skrulls have invaded the Helicarrier!"

Nick Fury: "I'm tired of these mother-fuckin' skrulls on this mother-fuckin' Helicarrier!"

Siri: "If you say so."
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The Phoenix Force, which was bored, decided to start some shit on Earth, so it divided itself into two parts and decided to possess Cyclops and Emma Frost.

Emma, who was staring at herself in the mirror, suddenly sat upright when the Phoenix Force made contact with her. Then, she rose to her feet, eager to start her mission...
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Meanwhile, Storm and the Black Panther were strolling hand-in-hand down the street, and everywhere they walked, people turned to acknowledge them. Women glared at Storm with utter contempt in their eyes, because they were jealous of her beauty and the fact that she was the one dating T'Challa and not them. Men stared furiously at the Black Panther because he was the one escorting the gorgeous mutant Storm everywhere she wanted to go, and not them. Monica Rambeau, a.k.a. Photon, a.k.a. Captain Marvel, was one of the women looking at Storm with contempt. When Storm happened to meet her gaze, a stare-down ensued.

Black Panther: "Why is Captain Marvel glaring at you, Ororo?"

Storm: "I don't know, but I'm about to knock her eyes out of their sockets if they keep looking over here."

Monica walked up to the couple and looked Storm square in her face.

Monica: "What's up...BITCH?"

Storm: "T'Challa, hold my earrings...and my cape...and my tiara. I'm about to take out the garbage..."

[moneyspider]

Rogue walked into the Jean Grey School of Gifted Youngsters and punched Wolverine in the throat.

Rogue: "That's for grabbing my ass last night while we were at the club, you horny bastard!"

SCHISM!
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Cyclops, whose penis was burning, rushed into Emma Frost's apartment and pointed an accusatory finger at her.

Cyclops: "You gave me a venereal disease, you rotten bitch!"

Emma: "That's what you get for taking my portion of the Phoenix Force away from me! Now go burn in Hell!"

SCHISM!
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Psylocke, who was excited to be leading her own team with Storm playing second fiddle to her, began masturbating. She was two minutes into pleasuring herself when she felt someone watching her. When she turned around, it was Professor Xavier!

Psylocke: "Professor????"

Xavier: "Yes?"

Psylocke: "Are you a ghost?"

Xavier: "Yes."

Psylocke: "Are you a horny perverted ghost?"

Xavier: "Yes."

Psylocke: "Tell me the truth. When you were alive, did you ever peek at me when I was taking showers? Did you gawk at my boobs? Did you eye my bush?

Xavier: "Yes."

Psylocke: "Did you ever videotape me when I was having sex with Warren Worthington and then view the tape whenever you spanked your monkey inside your secret sock?"

Xavier: "Yes."

Psylocke: "Do these bed sheets make me look fat?"

Xavier: "Yes."

Psylocke: "I hate you!"

SCHISM!
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Storm was grinning while she was talking on her smartphone to T'Challa. Namor burst into the room and gyrated.

Storm: "T'Challa, this fool just came into the room and gyrated in front of me. Yep, I think he wants to sleep with me. Yep, he's got that same smirk on his face that he's had on it since the 1960s. Yeah, I agree. Yep, I concur. Yes. Haha, most definitely. Do you want to go first? Are you sure? Okay. Yep. Uh huh. Okay, bye babe."

Storm hung up the phone and stared at Namor as he continued to gyrate with a smirk on his face.

Namor: "What did your cat say?"

Storm: "He said that I should kick your ass first, and then after that he's going to come and kick your ass."

SCHISM!
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Nightcrawler crawled downstairs and saw Mystique looking in the refrigerator.

Nightcrawler: "Momma, I'm hungry. Can you make me some eggs?"

Mystique: "You're a grown ass man, Kurt. Make your own damn eggs."

Nightcrawler: "I'm running away!"

Mystique: "Bye!"

SCHISM!
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Xavier: "Check."

Magneto: "Checkmate."

SCHISM!

[moneyspider]

Storm was fixing her hair in the apartment she shared with Black Panther, King of the Dead, when Susan Richards barged into the bedroom.

Storm: "Thank you for knocking, Susan. That's sarcasm, by the way."

Susan: "Oh hush, girl. Guess what?"

Storm: "Namor tried to sleep with you again?"

Susan: "No..."

Storm: "I give up."

Susan: "Reed and I have a date tonight. Finally! After months of making me feel unwanted, he finally asked me out on a date!"

Storm: "Good for you, Susan."

Susan: "So what's new with you?"

Storm: "T'Challa and I had another pregnancy scare."

Susan: "Uh, maybe he should use a condom and you should start using birth control!"

Storm: "We do. But that Wakandan sperm is unpredictable."

Susan: "Yeah, I've always fantasized that it would be..."

Storm: "What?"

Susan: "Huh?"

Storm gave Susan a strange look; Susan stopped thinking of T'Challa and began wondering what her date with Reed would be like.
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Shuri, Queen of Wakanda, was sitting on her throne when her brother T'Challa and Adam the Blue Marvel walked into the Royal Chambers.

T'Challa: "And these are the Royal Chambers. And may I present to you Shuri, the Queen of Wakanda."

Blue Marvel: "Your Majesty."

Shuri stared at Blue Marvel, and when he turned to explore the chambers, Shuri looked at T'Challa.

Shuri: "I want him. Is he taken?"

T'Challa: "No, I don't think so. His wife passed away some time ago."

Shuri: "Hmm...interesting. Leave us, Brother. I would like to speak with the Blue Marvel alone."
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Wonder Woman was watching "Cops" in the Watchtower when Batman walked into the room.

Batman: "Hi Diana."

Wonder Woman: "What up."

Batman: "You're watching "Entertainment Tonight," I see."

Wonder Woman: "Wow, Bruce. Now I know why they call you the world's greatest detective. Good job, Ace!"

Batman: "What the hell is your problem?"

Wonder Woman: "Nothing."

Batman: "When a woman says nothing is bothering her, that usually means something is bothering her."

Wonder Woman: "You're on fire tonight, aren't you, slick? Maybe you should change your name to Captain Obvious."

Batman sat down next to her, tried his best to ignore her bare legs and looked her in the eyes.

Batman: "Diana, look. I know what's bothering you. You're confused by your attraction to me."

Wonder Woman's left eye widened.

Wonder Woman: "Excuse me? My attraction to you?"

Batman: "Yes.Now see it's perfectly understandable that you want me, because I'm the bad boy. I do what I want, when I want, and I grunt a lot and say a lot of bad boy stuff like "No," "whatever" and "Get out!" When I walk into the room or sit next to you, you get wet."

Wonder Woman laughed.

Batman grew tired of ignoring her legs, so he put a hand on her thigh.
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When Batman woke up in the emergency room, Catwoman was leaning over him.

Catwoman: "How are you, Bruce?"

Batman: "My entire body is numb."

Catwoman: "That's to be expected. Wonder Woman did a real number on you."

Batman: "What happened?"

Catwoman: "I'll tell you later. Right now I just want you to get some rest."

Batman would have nodded, but he couldn't feel his head.

After Catwoman ran out of the room on all fours, Superman and Wonder Woman walked into the room.

Superman: "Bruce."

Batman: "Clark."

Wonder Woman: "Bruce."

Batman: "Diana."

Wonder Woman: "Clark?"

Superman: "Diana?"

Wonder Woman: "Should we tell Bruce?"

Superman: "Yes, Diana."

Batman: "Clark? Diana? What should I know?"

Wonder Woman: "Bruce, we've got to talk. Bottom line is, I'm not attracted to you, I'm attracted to Clark which is why he and I are friends with benefits, and if you ever put your mother-fucking hand on my thigh again, I'll rip your arm off and ram it down your fucking
throat."

Batman: "Nurse!"

[moneyspider]

Rogue walked into Wolverine's bedroom at the Jean Grey Institute of Lower I mean Higher Learning.

Rogue: "Logan?"

Wolverine: "SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!"

Rogue: "Logan, wake up!"

Wolverine: "Snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooor e!"

Rogue turned on the lights and jumped on the bed.

Rogue: "Boy, wake your dumb ass up!"

Wolverine sat upright and rubbed his eyes.

Wolverine: "Rogue! What the fuck! I was having a dream about Jean!"

Rogue sighed and started playing with her hair.

Rogue: "Logan, I have to apologize for our little schism. The truth is, when I punched you in the throat for grabbing my ass at the club, a part of me felt alive when you did that. You know, no one has ever grabbed my ass like that...not even the Blue Marvel. I think he didn't really grab it as hard as he could have because he didn't want to break it, even though I am just as invulnerable as he is. But anyway...Logan, would you mind grabbing my ass again?"

Wolverine grabbed Rogue's face.

Rogue: (grinning) "You are such an asshole."
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Back in Wakanda, Shuri and the Blue Marvel were having a snack together in the Royal Chambers, and for Shuri, a snack consisted of a five-course meal.

Blue Marvel: "When will Storm and Black Panther return, Your Highness?"

Shuri: "Let's not speak of my brother and his girlfriend. Let's speak of you.Are you comfortable?"

Blue Marvel: "Quite."

Shuri sipped her Wakandan Spiced Tea and continued staring at him. Blue Marvel felt his face getting hot, so he turned his attention to his plate.

Shuri: "How do you like the weather?"

Blue Marvel: "I'm not going to lie to you. It's ridiculously hot."

Shuri giggled.

Shuri: "You'll get used to it."

Blue Marvel: "I will?"

Shuri was about to speak but something on Blue Marvel's person started making noise.

Shuri: "What's that noise?"

Blue Marvel: "It's a Planetary Alarm that I rigged up. It alerts me to trouble brewing anywhere on the planet. There's trouble in Metropolis."

Shuri: "That looks like a job for Superman. I have a job for you here."

Blue Marvel: "But I've made a vow to myself...I will never ever again back down from doing what's right and helping those in need, wherever they may be."

Shuri: "I'm in nee-...I would like you to stay just a while longer. We have much to discuss."

Blue Marvel: "Sorry, Your Highness, but duty calls."

Shuri: "Interesting. Strong is a man who turns down the Queen of Wakanda. You are a complete mystery, Blue Marvel. A mystery I would love to unravel."

Blue Marvel's face was getting hot again, so he turned to fly away.

Shuri: "I would be honored if you would return to the Royal Palace tonight after your mission has been completed. We could have dinner and continue talking."

Blue Marvel: "I accept.Until this evening,Your Majesty."

After Blue Marvel flew away, Shuri turned to three Dora Milaje.

Shuri: "When Blue Marvel returns tonight, see to it that he and I are not disturbed."
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Wonder Woman and Superman had just finished having sex for the fourth time that day, and so now they were just relaxing in bed.

Superman: "I really think we should date."

Wonder Woman: "Come on, Kal-El, not that again. Why do you feel the need to complicate things? We're having fun...isn't that enough?"

Superman: "No."

Wonder Woman: "You know what you're problem is? Your Earth parents raised you to always do the right thing. But sometimes always doing the right thing is so boring. Live a little, Kal. We're friends who happen to have sex all the time. Just go with it."

Superman: "The more time I spend with you, the more I want to be your boyfriend."

Wonder Woman: "Great Hera, you make me want to take up smoking. You haven't listened to one thing I've said."

Superman: "Have you ever wondered what our children would look like?"

Wonder Woman: "CHILDREN??? Kal, you're insane! I have never wondered what our baby would look like!"

Actually, that was a lie; she thought about what their Kryptonian-Amazon kid would look like all the time.

Superman: "Our kids would be adorable."

Wonder Woman rolled her eyes but secretly agreed.
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Emma Frost sauntered into the Jean Grey Institute of Higher Learning and ran into Storm, who was watering her plants in her private Botanical Gardens.

Storm: "T'Challa is now King of the Dead."

Emma: "So???? Who gives a fuck besides you? I don't even like cats."

Storm: "Last night he taught me the Wakanda Whirl."

Emma: "Whoa whoa whoa, slow your roll. I don't want to hear about your kinky sex games with your boyfriend, alright?"

Storm: "T'Challa is no longer my boyfriend."

Emma: "Oh word? So, what, you two knocked boots last night and then broke up? Sorry, girl. Actually, scratch that. I'm not sorry. But you know who is sorry? That feline ex-boyfriend of yours. Girl, I know that you and I have had our battles, but I'm glad you're no longer with that nutsack! I hate T'Challa's mother-fucking arrogant ass! "Oh, look at me...I'm a cat-king and I have cat-tech and I run around in a vibranium-weave suit with female bodyguards licking my ass everywhere I go" yadda yadda yadda. "Oh, and look at me again because my momma died giving birth to my privileged ass and my father was gunned down by some idiotic Austrian assassin-for-hire named Talon or Klaw or whatever that fucker's name is and now I finally had this hot-ass mutant girlfriend but I didn't know what to do with her other than fuck her brains out and now I can't even do that because now we're all broken up and now all I can do is take my arrogant, paranoid ass back to WHACKANDA to cry underneath my sister's royal robes!" Haha, bye bye T'Challa! Kick rocks, punk!"

Storm: "T'Challa is now my husband. Come on out, my King."

T'Challa, Black Panther, King of the Dead, decloaked in a corner of the Botanical Gardens, right across from where Emma and Storm, Queen of the Dead, were standing. Emma stared first at the huge wedding ring on Storm's finger and then she stared, horrified at Black Panther's glowing eyes. In fact,Storm's feline-like eyes were glowing as well.

Emma: (looking from Storm to Black Panther and vice versa) "Um...see...what had happened was...um...and THEN....Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it, Don't be mad once you see that he want it,
If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it,Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh,
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh..."

Black Panther: "I did put a ring "on it." And now my Queen is about to wring your neck."

Emma turned and ran.
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When Emma woke up in the emergency room due to a beat-down from RogueStorm, she turned around and saw Batman laying in a hospital bed next to hers.

Batman: "Oh, so you put your hand on Wonder Woman's thigh, too?"

[moneyspider]

Storm was shaving her legs in the washroom at a local gym when Starfire peered into the bathroom with a huge grin on her face while her eyes were closed, kind of how she used to look when she was on the Teen Titans cartoon.


Starfire: "Sister? Wonder Woman and I are about to fly naked through the clouds. Would you like to join us?"


Storm: "Would I? Try to stop me!"


Starfire: (clapping with her eyes closed while still grinning from ear to ear) "Yay!"


Storm put away her shaving equipment, wiped the shaving cream off her legs, texted Black Panther as to where she would be and then ran after Starfire.

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Spider-Man was watching TV in Avengers Mansion when She-Hulk walked into the room. She took one look at Peter without his mask on and nearly orgasmed.


She-Hulk: "I like you, Peter."


Spider-Man: "Cool! I like you, too. You're a good friend."


She-Hulk: "No, I mean, I'm attracted to you."


Spider-Man: "Oh, uh..."


She-Hulk: "I want to date you."


Spider-Man: "Hmmm..."


She-Hulk: "And I always get what I want. If I don't, She-Hulk smash!"


Spider-Man: "I just remembered that I left my lights on at home, so..."


She-Hulk: "When are we going on a date?"


Wolverine: "Spidey, let me know if you want me to handle this chick. I've got experience dealing with Hulks."


Spider-Man: "Yeah, could you take care of that, please? Thanks."


Wolverine lunged at She-Hulk, but after She-Hulk looked at him, Wolverine ran away.


Spider-Man gulped as She-Hulk approached him.


She-Hulk: "I asked you a question, Peter. When are we going on a date?"


Spider-Man: "Um, we're not?"


She-Hulk put Spider-Man in a headlock and pulled him toward the door.


She-Hulk: "Nonsense. We're going out...tonight...right now."


Spider-Man: "Can't breathe, can't breathe!"

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At a nearby restaurant, She-Hulk still had Spidey in a headlock.


Hostess: "Hi, I'm Kaitlyn, and I'll be your hostess for the evening. Can I start you off with something to drink?"


Spider-Man finally regained consciousness.


She-Hulk: "I'll have a martini, and my little piece of man-meat here will have a coke."


Spider-Man: "I actually like Sprite."


She-Hulk: "You drink what I tell you to drink, Man-Meat."

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Black Panther received Storm's text message, replied to it and then was about to leave their apartment when he heard Alicia Keys singing on the sidewalk. He looked out the window and saw her sitting at a piano situated near the street.


Alicia Keys: "That girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire...."


Blue Marvel, who had just turned the corner, stopped in front of Alicia, closed his eyes and began swaying to the sound of her voice.


Alicia Keys: "That girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire..."


Blue Marvel: "Oooh yeah! Sing it, Alicia!"


Alicia Keys: "No, I mean it. That girl over there is literally on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire!"


Blue Marvel turned around and saw a little girl burning to a crisp. He flew toward her to put out the flames, but since that looked like a job for Superman, Superman swooped in, put his hands on his hips and blew out the fire with his super-cooling breath.


Superman: "Next time, Miss, you should stop, drop and roll."


The little girl ran up to Superman, kissed him on the cheek and then kicked the Blue Marvel in the leg.


Blue Marvel: "Superman, what the hell, man? You rained on my parade!"


Superman: "Sorry, Adam, but saving the day is kind of my gig. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find Wonder Woman."


Black Panther: (calling from his window) "She's hanging out with Storm and Starfire in the clouds, Superman."


Superman looked up at Black Panther and waved.


Superman: "Good looking out, Batman!"


Black Panther: (sighing) "SMH."

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After dinner and a movie, She-Hulk put Spider-Man back in a headlock and pulled him toward her house, where she finally let go of his neck but kept a very frim grip on his wrist.


She-Hulk: "I had a very lovely time, Man-Meat."


Spider-Man: "Well, I'm glad that you enjoyed it.."


She-Hulk's grip on Spider-Man's wrist became tighter.


She-Hulk: "What are you trying to say?"


Spider-Man: (whose voice was now high-pitched) "I'm saying that I'm thrilled you had fun, as did I!"


She-Hulk: "Yeah, I thought that's what you were going to say. So..."


Spider-Man: "So..."


She-Hulk closed her eyes and opened her mouth a bit, waiting for Spider-Man to make his move.


And she waited...and waited...and waited....until finally she opened her eyes.


She-Hulk: "Are you hard, Man-Meat?"


Spider-Man: "Of course I'm hard! I've always been hard and mean! I run these streets! Thugs fear me, cuz I'm hard like that!"


She-Hulk: "No, I mean is your man-meat hard?"


Spider-Man: "Uh..."


She-Hulk grabbed Spider-Man's "manhood" but quickly realized he was not up to the task. She-Hulk became offended.


She-Hulk: "Oh, so I don't turn you on? Huh? Are you trying to tell me you don't want this?"


She-Hulk turned her muscular gargantuan self around and then twirled her hair.


Spider-Man: "I like smaller women."


She-Hulk (sneering) "Smaller????? What, like Mary Jane Watson's small narrow behind? That's the kind of woman you like? Where is she, I'm going to break that little bitch in half!"


Before Spider-Man could try and stop her, She-Hulk leapt into the air and then bounded away...

[moneyspider]

Professor Xavier, who was still dead, was still waiting in Satan's chambers to be processed.


Satan: "Charles Xavier, you may step forward."


Prof. X stepped forward and realized that Satan had huge breasts, so of course he stared at them.


Satan sighed.


Satan: "Really, Xavier? You're dead and you're still perverted?"


Prof. X: "A leopard can't change its spots."


Satan: "Look, there are a lot of hot dead women in the Underworld. Please don't tell me that you are going to spend an eternity trying to hump them."


Prof. X: "You know me too well."


Satan: "Hold on a second."


Satan picked up the phone and called Heaven.


Satan "Yeah, hi, it's Satan. Listen...is Goddess around? Oh, ok...can you just let Her know that I can't take Professor Charles Xavier? Yeah, it's just not going to work. He's too perverted. No, I was definitely not going to suggest that he get sent upstairs to you all. I just wanted to let you know that he was not staying down here. Yep, will do...maybe that will work. Tell Goddess I said hey and that I'm kinda sorry about that whole "Paradise Lost" thing. It was my bad. Alright."


Satan glared at Prof. Xavier and then dialed another number.


Satan: "Limbo? Hey girl, what's up. Yeah, I know, I know. It's been a while. Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. I've got a Professor Charles Xavier down here in Hell, and this fool is too much of a pervert to remain down here. We've got way too many hot dead females running around here, and I don't intend to spend an eternity watching this old wrinkled guy trying to get it up. What? You can't take him either???? You've got too many hot women running around in Limbo? Crap. Well, alright. I just called Heaven and there's no way they were going to let his ass up there, so I guess since Heaven, Hell and Limbo won't take him, he'll just have to be returned to the living...let Earth deal with him. Yep, I hear you. I know, right? Always doing stuff he's got no business doing. Alright, I'll let you go. Holler back. Bye."


Satan hung up the phone, signed some papers and then turned to Xavier.


Satan: "You're going back to Earth, because you're just too damned nasty to be anywhere else, as strange as that sounds. You're foul, Xavier, and you're weak. You always let thoughts of sexual pleasure cloud your thoughts. It makes you look desperate."


Prof. Xavier: "Does that mean you won't show me your titties, your tatas, your jumblies, your boobies, your melons, your bazongas, your boom-booms, your balloons?"


With a fire-and-brimstone-powered punch, Charles Xavier was sent flying back toward Earth.

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Emma Frost was walking down the street when she ran into Storm. Emma tried to run in the opposite direction but Storm literally jumped in her way.


Storm: "How's your ribcage, Emma?"


Emma: "It still hurts from when you beat me up."


Storm smirked. "That's what happenes when you cross the All-Goddess. Now bow."


Emma: "What?"


Storm: "Bow down to the All-Goddess."


Emma: "Are you for real?"


Storm pulled a green apple from her book bag and bit into it...and by "it" I mean she bit into the book bag.


Storm: "Last night while T'Challa and I were making love yet again, he kept telling me that I am the All-Goddess. And he's right, you know? I am the All-Goddess. I am Mother Nature. I've always been Mother Nature. And do you want to know something else? All this time when I thought all I could do was manipulate the weather, I was totally wrong. A few days ago I discovered that I can also create the weather...whatever weather pattern I choose."


Emma: "You're lying. Only Thor can do that."


Storm: "I'm better than Thor, honey. That guy needs some freaking enchanted hammer to do what he does. Me? I don't need a hammer. All I need is me."


Emma: "You're lying."


Storm looked intom the sky, which prompted Emma to do the same; the sky was clear and blue...that is until Storm grinned and her eyes turned white. Suddenly the sun disappeared and thick dark clouds suddenly appeared from seemingly thin air.


Storm: "Those clouds were nowhere near here, Emma. I used to have to utilize nearby weather patterns, but that's no longer the case. If I wanted to, I could have several thousand lighning bolts fry your ass right where you stand."


Emma started backing away from Storm, who kept walking toward her.


Storm's eyes turned blue once again, and the sky returned to its original condition.


Storm: "Do you want to know what else happened last night, Emma?"


Emma: "No! Leave me alone!"


She turned and ran, but Storm was chasing her; male passersby turned and stared at the two gorgeous women running down the street.


Storm: "As T'Challa was fucking me in the ass, he said something that made me smile even more than I already was: he said that all should bow down before the All-Goddess, and I was like "You know, T'Challa, not only is anal sex fucking awesome, but you make a really valid point." So Emma, before I strike you down with a blizzard, or a typhoon, or an earthquake, or an avalanche, bow down to the All-Goddess, and I might have mercy on you."


Emma: "Go fuck yourself, Storm! And fuck the Black Panther, too! Fuck you both! And frak Wakanda, while we're at it!"


Storm: "We are all Wakandans. And you will say that to me when you bow before me."


Emma kept running, so Storm made the ground in front of Emma rise up, which lifted Emma off her feet and sent her flying across the street, After she crashed into the side of a building, she slid down to the pavement with the wind knocked out of her. Storm kept eating her apple as she approached Emma.


Storm: "Whenever you're ready, Frost."


Emma fought back tears as she bowed before Storm.


Storm: "And who am I, Emma? Tell me exactly who I am. And for your sake, you had better agree with T'Challa."


Emma: "You are the All-Goddess."


Storm bit into her apple again. "And?"


Emma sighed while still fighting back tears. "And we are all Wakandans."


Storm patted Emma on the head and said "Good girl."


After Storm sauntered away, Emma silently vowed revenge; she was just about to dust off her pants when she heard footsteps approaching. When she looked up, she saw General Zod.


General Zod: "Kneel before Zod."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary Jane Watson was sipping a glass of Kool-Aid and reading a Harry Potter book in her bubble bath when She-Hulk crashed through the bathroom window. At first Mary Jane screamed but when she discovered it was She-Hulk she just shrugged.


She-Hulk: "You are not frightened?"


Mary Jane shrugged again. "Meh."


She-Hulk: "Why I never!"


Mary Jane: "Look, no offense, but at first when I saw the green, I thought you were your cousin. But you're She-Hulk. You smile and laugh when you're She-Hulk...which doesn't frighten anybody."


She-Hulk: "But I can get angry just like my cousin. See? Look. Rrrrrrrrar!"


Mary Jane gave her a sympathetic look.


She-Hulk sighed and slowly shriveled back down into Jennifer Walters.


Mary Jane: "Oh Jen, don't get all depressed. People like you a whole lot more than they like your cousin. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but your cousin is a dick. But enough about him...why did you come here tonight?"


Jennifer: "I was going to break your body because Peter Parker prefers you over me."


Mary Jane: "I'm sorry, Jen, but once Peter went red, he wants to wed."


Jennifer: "Huh?"


Mary Jane: "Once Peter was with Mary Jane, he wants to remain."


Jennifer: "What?"


Mary Jane: "Never mind, it's not important. But go on and get outta here, you crazy girl, and find another guy who's right for you. It won't take you long."


Jennifer smiled, hugged Mary Jane and leapt back out the window.


Charles Xavier surfaced in the bath water as soon as Jennifer left.


Prof. Xavier: "I thought she'd never leave."


Mary Jane: "I know, right?!"

[moneyspider]

Aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise-D, Captain Jean-Luc Picard strolled onto the bridge like he was the big man on campus and sat down in his chair.

Picard: "Good morning, Number One."

Riker: "Good morning, Sir."

Picard sipped his coffee and then suddenly looked at Riker again.

Picard: "How does my hair look today, Will?"

Riker: "What hair?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emma Frost was currently kneeling before Zod.

Emma: "Can I get up now?"

Zod looked down at her. "Something tells Zod that you are used to being on your knees in front of a man's crotch."

Emma: "What!? That's outrageous! Who told you that? Was it Storm? It was Storm, wasn't it?"

Zod: "Who is this Storm?"

Emma: "Storm is one of the people on Earth who would never bow down to you. And there is another person who would never bow down to your supreme might."

Zod: "Who is this other imbecile?"

Emma: "His name is the Black Panther. Storm and Black Panther are both extremely proud and arrogant people. If you could get them to bow down to you, you will have accomplished something that no one else has."

Zod: "Where can I find Storm and Black Panther?"

Emma grinned.
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Commercial: A really attractive woman and a somewhat handsome guy were on a date, and as they both waited for their meal to arrive, the man gazed deeply into the woman's hazel eyes. He was so lost in the prettiness of her eyes that he didn't notice anything else.

The woman suddenly smacked him.

Woman: "My boobs are down here, asshole!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superman was staring at Wonder Woman in the Watch Tower when Superman's crystals started glowing.

Batman: "Clark?"

Superman kept staring at Wonder Woman and sighed.

Batman: "CLARK!"

Superman jumped. "What?"

Batman: "Your crystals are glowing."

Superman ran to them and cursed in Kryptonian.

Superman: "There's trouble. General Zod has returned to Earth."

Batman: "I don't have a contingency plan for Zod yet."

Superman bit his nails and hid under the conference room table.

Wonder Woman: "Great Hera! Get your head back in the game, Kal-El!"

Superman rocked back and forth under the table.

Superman: "He's going to want us all to kneel down before him. I barely defeated him last time at the end of Superman II...how am I going to defeat him this time? He won't fall for the same trick twice!"

Batman: "Diana, this is all your fault!"

Wonder Woman whirled around toward Batman in a fit of rage.

Wonder Woman: "My fault? How is this my fault?"

Batman: "You've turned him into a wuss! He's lovesick and whipped!"

Wonder Woman: "Hmmm, you might have a point. Kal-El, as of right now, you and I are over."

Superman: "What? Oh no, Diana, please don't. Please don't break up with me. We're perfect together!"

Wonder Woman: "Actually, Kal-El, I have something to tell you. I'm atrracted to Kryptonians, and I thought yiou were the right one for me, but I can't stop thinking about General Zod, and about how confident he is. I'm attracted to a Kryptonian man who is not afraid to demand that people bow down to him. General Zod oozes power and confidence. I must go to General Zod and ask him out. I love a man who knows what he wants and goes after it. I want a strong man to sire my babies."

Superman: "That's it! I'm going to rip Zod's head off!"

Superman flew out the window, and Wonder Woman relaxed.

Batman: (smacking Wonder Woman on her ass) "Good job, Diana."

Wonder Woman's eyes widened.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aboard the Federation starship Voyager, Seven-of-Nine strutted into Sickbay.

Holographic Doctor: "Please state the nature of the medical emergency."

Seven-of-Nine: "My Borg ass hurts."

Doctor: (scanning her with a medical tricorder) "Perhaps that stick is too tightly lodged up in there."

Seven-of-Nine: "The Borg do not put sticks up their asses."

Doctor: "I don't suppose that they do. I was merely joking with you."

Seven-of-Nine: "Humor is futile...as are your attempts to regrow your hair."

The Doctor changed the subject. "May I ask why your ass is hurting?"

Seven-Of-Nine: "If you must know, Commander Chakotay and I were having anal sex for uh, my research purposes, of course. It was rather...painful and stimulating at the same time."

Doctor: "Kind of like eating Neelix's food, eh?"

Seven-of-Nine just stared at him.

Doctor: "That was another joke."

Seven-of-Nine: "I already told your holographic ass that humor is futile."

The doors to Sickbay swosshed open, and in walked T'Pol, who was wearing her hair really long these days.

Doctor: "Please state the nature of the medical- hey, I don't think I've ever seen you here before."

T'Pol: "You have not. I'm new on this ship after having requested a transfer from Starship Enterprise almost 200 years into the future to be a member of Voyager's crew. You might also be interested to know that Lt. Hoshi Sato has also transferred to Voyager."

Doctor: "Just what this ship needs...more estrogen."

T'Pol, Seven-of-Nine, Hoshi, B'ELanna Torres, Kes, and Captain Kathryn Janeway: "Excuse us?"

Doctor: "Wow...tough room."

Janeway: "Computer, delete holographic doctor."

Female computer voice: "Gladly!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[moneyspider]

At the Jean Grey School of Higher Learning, Jean Grey strolled through the door and interrupted dinner.

Wolverine: "JEANNIE?"

Jean: "Shut up, Logan!"

Cyclops: "Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea n!"

Jean: "Hello Scott."

Prof. Xavier: "Hello Jean. It's great to see your breasts I mean you again."

Jean: "Hello Perv I mean Professor."

Storm: "Jean, I am so glad you're alive! But we thought that you died in that Dark Phoenix Saga thing a while back."

Jean: "Ororo, I love you. Well, not like THAT, but like a sister. You'll have to fill me in on everything that's been happening for the past few years."

Prof. Xavier: "That's a pity, Jean; I was hoping that I would be the witness of some hot one-on-one action between you and Ororo. A silly pillow fight, an innocent slap on the rear end, a giggle here, a giggle there, an "accidental" nip slip..."

Jean: "Well I can see almost nothing has changed around here."

Cyclops: "I love you, Jean."

Wolverine: "Me too, Jeannie."

Jean: "Guys, please. Both of you will be allowed to woo me in the morning. But right now, I need the info."

Storm and Jean giggled and ran upstairs to start gossiping. Meanwhile, Cyclops sighed and stared off into space while Prof. Xavier closed his eyes and imagined nipple slips. The more nipple slips he saw in his mind, the harder he rubbed his crotch.

Wolverine: "Dude! At the dinner table?"

Prof. Xavier: "Shut up, Logan!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shuri, Queen of the Living in Wakanda, was studying some battle schematics when a Dora Milaje appeared at the door.

Dora Milaje: "Your Highness, there's a Blue Marvel here to see you."

A smile erupted on the queen's face.

Shuri: "Show him in, 'MM-Bop."

Blue Marvel entered the palace room, and Shuri motioned for him to sit.

Blue Marvel: "Are we still on for that dinner, Your Highness?"

Shuri: "We are, Adam, but let me be clear. At no point in time during our dinner will I take my eyes off you. I'm attracted to you, I want you all to myself and I will do whatever it takes to have you. If you've got a girlfriend, she will find me a very formidible opponent."

Blue Marvel: "At the moment, I am single."

Shuri: "Good. That saves some poor girl an ass-whooping."

Blue Marvel: "Why do you like me so much? You barely know me."

Shuri: "I've done some homework on you, Adam. I know your history and what you went through in the 1960s, with your forced retirement and everything. I understand why you did what you did, and I admire you for it. I'm also aware of the role you took in protecting the universe when you left Earth in the 1960s. This universe owes you a debt of gratitude a million times over."

Negative Nancy: "Blue Marvel was a sell-out!"

Blue Marvel: "Who's that?"

Shuri sighed while glaring at Negative Nancy.

Shuri: "Negative Nancy is an unfan who manages to travel all over the universe to express her pessimism regarding certain people. The majority of things that come out of her mouth are negative. Pay her no mind, for her opinions are meaningless. She also has a boyfriend, whose name is Negative Ned. MM-Bop, would you do the honors?"

MM-Bop nodded and kicked Negative Nancy out a palace window. However, Negative Ned jumped down from a chandelier and squatted in the middle of the room.

Negative Ned: "Blue Marvel is nothing more than a Marty Stu, a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu retcon!"

MM-Bop knocked Negative Ned into a wall.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storm and Jean Grey were talking excitedly in Jean's room when Emma Frost poked her head in.

Emma: "I heard you were back, Grey. I just came to see if you were as ugly as I remember. And yep, you are."

Jean: "It didn't take you long to spread your legs for Scott after I was gone, did it?"

Emma laughed. "Bitch, I opened my sexy legs for Scott way before your ugly ass ever left!"

Jean lunged at Emma and tackled her, and Storm ran to pop some cheese and caramel popcorn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shuri stared at the Blue Marvel as he ate his food.

Blue Marvel: "This is awkward. I should be on duty."

Shuri: "Nonsense."

Blue Marvel: "I feel as though I am letting people down by not patrolling the streets. I swore-"

Shuri: "To never turn your back on Earth again. But you can't be everywhere at once, and unfortunately you can't save everyone who needs saving."

Blue Marvel sighed and helped himself to another piece of meatloaf.

Shuri: "I'd like to know more about your powers."

Blue Marvel: "So would I. Can a black man get another mini-series, please?"

Shuri: "Shit, right?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prof. Xavier ran up the stairs when he heard a lot of commotion and shouting from Jean's room. When he reached the room, he saw Emma Frost and Jean Grey rolling around on the floor, pulling each other's hair. Storm came up behind him, shoving popcorn into her mouth.

Storm: "Did I miss anything?"

Prof. Xavier: "You missed me rubbing my crotch earlier."

Storm rolled her eyes.

Jean: (to Emma) "Bargain bin shopper!"

Emma: "Fashion victim!"

Prof. Xavier: "Beat her mutant ass!"

Jean and Emma stopped fighting.

Jean: "Whose side are you on, Prof.?"

Xavier looked from Jean to Emma.

Xavier: "I'm on the side of the one whose got the biggest boobs. I'm on Storm's side."

Storm: "I'm telling T'Challa."

Xavier: "Tell T'Challa. You can also tell him that I'm not impressed by his new King of the Dead upgrades. Light shielding? I can conjure that up in my sleep. Short-range teleportation? No biggie. Cloaking capabilities? YAWN!"

Storm pulled out her cellphone and Xavier immediately pleaded for her not to call T'Challa.

Emma smacked Jean, who retaliated by kicking Emma in the ear.

Storm: "Jean, make her bow down to you, like she did to me. I had that bitch down on her knees the other day."

Jean: "Why did she bow down to you, Ororo?"

Storm: "Tell her, Emma."

Emma: "Fuck you, Kenya!"

Storm: "You dare insult the All-Goddess? How quickly you forget your place, Emma."

Jean: "Since when are you a goddess, Ororo?"

Storm: "I've always been a goddess."

Jean: "But when he first met you in Africa, Prof. Xavier told you that you weren't a goddess, even though you were being worshiped as one. He told you that your powers came from being a mutant."

Xavier: "Actually, Jean, I lied to Ororo, just to get her to come back to the States with me. She's definitely a goddess."

Emma: "All of this goddess nonsense is making me ill. I only knelt to you that day because I was tired and just wanted to go home. But today's a different day, sweetie. None of your weather patterns are going to scare me."

Storm created a powerful gust of wind that lifted Emma off her feet and slammed her into the wall. With the wind knocked out of her, Emma was in no condition to put up much of a fight.

Emma: "Your day is coming, Storm. One of these days, most likely really soon, you're going to get your ass kicked, and I hope I'm there to see it..."

[moneyspider]

Prof. Charles Xavier was preparing to cut a peephole in a wall in Jean Grey's bedroom so that he could stare at her while rubbing himself, but as soon as he was about to drill the hole, someone knocked at the front door to the Jean Grey Institute of Higher Learning. After he opened the door, Lt. Debra Morgan from the Showtime show "Dexter" walked inside.

Debra Morgan: "Nuh uh, not today Professor. As of right now, all of the vulgarity perpetrated by you and others in both the Marvel and DC Universes will cease."

Xavier: "And who are you?"

Debra Morgan: "I'm Debra Morgan. I'm heading up the new Vulgarity Police Division out of Miami."

Xavier: "This is not Miami, child, this is New York. You have no jurisdiction here."

Debra Morgan: "The Vulgarity Police Division is headquartered in Miami, but we operate all over the world."

Xavier stared at her chest. "Nice tits."

Debra Morgan: "You've just been vulgar. That will be a $200 fine."

Xavier: "This is an outrage. I have the freedom of speech."

Debra Morgan: "Your freedom of speech has been revoked. From now on, everything you say and do will be policed. We are not Big Brother, we are Big Sister, and Big Sister does not play. Now pay up, or I'll throw you behind bars so fast it will make your head spin."

Xavier looked stunned as he reached for his wallet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wolverine was at Avengers mansion, preparing to open another beer when Lt. Debra Morgan walked into the kitchen.

Debra Morgan: "Put down the drink and grab a water instead."

Wolverine: "Excuse me?"

Debra Morgan: "As of this moment, beer drinking is no longer permitted in America, or in the rest of the world, for that matter. Drinking beer leads to drunkeness, and drunkeness leads to vulgarity, and vulgarity leads to universal chaos -"

Yoda: "No no no...fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to sufferiiiiiiiiiiiing."

Everyone in the multiverse stopped what they were doing and stared at Yoda. Yoda looked at everyone and slowly backed up until he was free and clear to run back to Sesame Street.

Debra Morgan: "As the head of the new Vulgarity Police Division headquartered in Miami, I cannot and will not allow any more vulgarity."

Wolverine: "And if I refuse?"

Debra Morgan: "You will be arrested."

Wolverine opened the beer and took a long sip of it. Debra whistled and 30 Vulgarity Police Agents swarmed the kitchen and threw Wolverine to the floor to handcuff him.

Debra Morgan: "Once we book you at the nearest police station, we'll deduct $300 from your bank account for willingly and knowingly disobeying an order from the Vulgarity Police."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few minutes later, through the use of a teleportation device, Debra Morgan teleported into the apartment of Storm and Black Panther.

Storm: "Goddess!"

Debra Morgan: "I am no goddess, ma'am."

Storm: "I know. I meant I was surprised by your sudden appearance. Who are you?"

After Debra explained who she was, she told Storm that she and Black Panther would no longer be allowed to discuss their sex life with others.

Storm: "Who made you boss?"

Debra Morgan: "My commanding officer did."

Storm: "My boyfriend-husband and I will never comply with your demands."

Debra Morgan: "That will be a fine of $200."

Storm: "You're wasting your time here, Lt. You can't change a universe."

Debra Morgan: "You know, Storm, I used to be vulgar. I have no problem admitting that. Oh yes, I used to let the vulgarities fly, and I used to enjoy doing vulgar things because it gave me a sense of freedom. But there comes a point in one's life when one has to act professional and mature. I've turned over a new leaf. It's time the multiverse did the same."

Storm: "You will not win this, Lt. Trust me on that. You'll have too many people against you. Take it from a goddess...the Vulgarity Police are out of their league. I appreciate your desire to clean things up, but you simply cannot win this. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my friend Rogue. She and her on-again, off-again boyfriend Gambit are going to-"

Debra Morgan ran out of the apartment with her hands over her ears while yelling "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Debra Morgan walked through the streets of New York, she saw and heard many vulgar things: women urinating in garbage cans, men exposing themselves during rush hour traffic, birds chirping suggestively in a language only they understood...the more she walked, the more she thought about what Storm had told her. But Debra could not and would not accept that vulgarity could not be stopped. If she was able to kick her bad habits, then everyone else could, too...even if they had to be forced to do it. And Lt. Debra Morgan had no problem forcing people tom follow the law.

With a determined glint in her eyes, Debra Morgan took out her cellphone; she was about to call Miami and ask for more Vulgarity Police reinforcements when she head a huge ruckus down the street.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When she ran down the street, the chaotic scene that greeted her was shocking; a huge three-headed dragon was rampaging down the street and a whole bunch of heroes were trying to destroy the beast. Iron Man fired his repulsor rays at the creature, but the creature absorbed the rays and grew larger and wider because of them. After the creature breathed fire in Iron Man's direction and then punched him, Iron Man went flying out of control and slammed into a parked car. Suddenly, the dragon turned around and stared directly at Debra Morgan. After staring intently at her, it started running toward her.

Debra Morgan: "Oh fuck me!"

She threw down her Vulgarity Police badge and started running for her life. When someone got in her way and made her trip and fall, she became upset.

Debra Morgan: "Oh you piece of shit! What the fuck, man? Fuck you, assdick! Do you have balls for brains?"

Man: "I'm sorry, okay? Geez!"

Debra Morgan turned in the direction of the dragon and her eyes widened in fear.

Debra Morgan: "Holy freaking fucks, it's getting closer! Move out of my way, dipshit! I don't have time for this fucking shit! My ass is underpayed, I haven't been laid in a goddamn year and my horny ass cat threw up a fucking furball on my new goddamn blouse this morning! I said move your goddamn fucking ass, dickwad! And lose some weight, you man-cow! Jesus! You weigh more than both my dead grandmothers combined, and they were both wide humongous bitches!"

She shoved the man aside and continued running for her life.

Storm: (running beside her) "Told you that you were never going to win."

Debra Morgan: (shoving Storm away from her) "Fuck off and die!"

Debra continued running but she tripped over a fire hydrant and fell again.

Debra Morgan: "Great. Wonderful. Halle-fucking-lujah. Now my goddamn pantyhose are ripped."

She picked her self up, dusted herself off, continued running from the dragon and then tripped over a baby who was crawling around unattended.

Debra Morgan: "And who the fuck lets a roly-poly chubby-cheeked shit machine loose in the street like that? Somebody fucking call fucking DCFS!"

[moneyspider]

Misty Knight walked into the nearest New York police precinct and walked up to an officer.

Misty: "Hey Gus."

Gus: "Hey, Misty. Play Misty for me. Hahahaha."

Misty: "Funny. Never heard that joke before. That's sarcasm, by the way, like when your wife tells you she loves you."

Gus gave her the finger and walked away. Misty continued walking toward the new captain's office and knocked on the door.

CAPTAIN Debra Morgan opened the door.

Debra: "Holy fuck, you're gorgeous!"

Misty: "Thank you. I'm Misty Knight."

Debra: "Captain Debra Morgan, pleased to meet you. I transferred over from the Miami Police Department after resigning my position as head of the Vulgarity Police Division."

Misty: "Yeah, I heard about that. I heard the entire division got shut down after they caught you on camera cursing up a storm."

Debra: "Fuck Storm!"

Misty: "Um, okay..."

Debra kept staring at Misty while looking her up and down.

Debra: "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Misty, but if I were a man, my boner would be standing at attention right now.."

Misty: "Uh..."

Debra: "Too soon?"

Misty: "Wait, what?"

Debra sat down and propped her legs on the table.

Debra: "Anyway, thanks for coming in. We have a case we'd like your help with."

Misty used her bionic arm to scratch her head. "What's up?"

Debra's mouth swung open.

Debra: "Well fuck me in the ass and call me Mona Lisa, you've got a bionic arm too??? Now THAT'S hot."

Misty: "What's hot about it? It's just a bionic arm."

Debra glared at her.

Debra: "You fucking make me sick. You're fucking gorgeous, you've got a magnificent body and now you show me your bionic arm and you want me to believe that it's nothing out of the ordinary? God, why don't you just pull out a damn knife and stick it in my right tit? That would hurt me a lot less than you sitting in my face denying how hot you and your bionic arm are. Girl crush!"

Gus stuck his head in the doorway.

Gus: "Captain, I'm going to lunch."

Debra: "Try not to eat the whole fucking restaurant this time, fucktart."

Gus: "Up yours."

Debra: "Fuck you, fuck your cock-eyed parents and fuck your slutty seven-year-old sister. And tell her that stuffing her training bra with rocks is not going to bring the boys to her yard. Trust me, I speak from experience."

Misty: "Wow, maybe I should come back later."

Debra: "No, it's fine."

Another cop appeared in the doorway.

Officer: "Captain, I'm making a donut run. Want anything?"

Debra: "Yeah, I want you to get the fuck out. Jesus. Can't you see I'm with Misty Knight here?"

Officer: "Oh, sorry."

Debra: "Yeah, you are sorry, Tony. Now get your ass outta here. Oh, and your dad called. He said you left your edible panties hanging up in his bathroom last night."

The officer grinned and walked away.

Misty frowned. "Do you always talk to your officers that way?"

Debra: "It's fine. We're just playing. Nothing says "I care" like insulting the shit out of your co-workers."

A really fat male officer took 30 minutes to walk into the captain's office.

Fat Officer: "Captain."

Debra: "Bitch tits."

Fat Officer: "Here's my report from last night."

Debra: "A day late. Thanks so fucking much for this late report, dipshit. I mean it, thanks. Now just wait there. I'ma call a tow truck so that they can haul your fat ass out of my office."

Fat Officer: "Damn, you really need to get laid."

Debra: "I already did. By your dad. Now shut the fuck up and chew on your cud until the tow truck arrives, you fat bastard."

Debra looked at Misty.

Debra: "See? It's all good."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Batman walked into the New Avengers/Illuminati meeting and looked around the table. Namor had a smirk on his face.

Batman: "What's with the smirk?"

Namor: "I'm better than you, and I have no regrets."

Batman hurled a batarang, and it lodged itself in Namor's eye.

Batman: "I bet you regret that."

Captain America: "Why are you here, Batman? And how did you gain access to this secret meeting?"

Batman: "I'm the goddamned Batman."

Captain America: "No you're not."

Batman: (pointing at Captain America) "Somebody mindwipe him."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hours later, after Captain Debra Morgan's superior officer decided it would be a good idea for her to get professional help for her "potty mouth," she found herself sitting in a circle during a therapy session.

Therapist: "Debra?"

Debra: "This is so fucking unnecessary. I don't have a potty mouth."

Therapist: "The first step to solving the problem is admitting that you have one."

Debra: "Bullshit!"

The therapist folder her arms and waited.

Debra sighed. "I'm Debra, and I curse a lot."

Group: "Hi Debra."

Debra: "May you all die from a herpes of the eye infection."

Therapist: "Now Debra, why do you feel the need to curse so much? Was it your childhood? Is it your adulthood? Is something troubling you?"

Debra: "Well, actually...one of the problems is that I don't have a man. I'm lonely. And last week was Valentine's Day and I saw a whole bunch of women getting flowers and I got nothing except a phone call from my parents and my brother, who just so happens to be a serial killer. How pathetic is that?"

Therapist: "But Debra, you don't need a man to define you."

Debra: "Yes I do."

Man: "Don't sweat it, girl. I'll date you."

Debra stared wide-eyed at the midget.

Debra: "Holy Jesus on a stick, you look just like a fuck nugget!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Batman: "I would like to join this little group."

Black Panther: "No. What we are facing is not something you would want to deal with. Trust me."

Batman: "But I don't trust you."

Black Panther: "Likewise."

Batman: "You also don't trust Namor, but yet there he sits, looking smug at the table."

Black Panther: "Namor is a necessary evil at the moment. But when this is all over, he and I will settle things...my way."

Namor smirked and folded his arms.

Captain America: "Panther, Batman, stand down."

Black Panther: "You do not control me, Steven Rogers."

Batman: "Nor me."

Captain America: "As long as I am a member of this team, we will trust one another, we will be loyal to one another and we will hold hands and sing "Kumbaya-"

Dr. Strange rose up and mind-wiped Captain America.

Batman: "Finally. I thought he'd never leave."

Everyone looked at Batman.

Batman: "What?"

The next thing Batman knew, he was sitting in the Batcave with no memory of what had happened in the previous five hours.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After Debra stormed out of the therapy session and returned to the police station, all the cops gathered around to see if the session had worked.

Gus: "So how did it go, Captain?"

Debra: "It went better than all those times your dad was arrested for bestiality because he was trying to lasso and fuck your mom. Now get back to work, all of you."

Misty: "Captain? You never told me what case you want me to investigate."

Debra: "Oh, sorry. Do you remember that person who was on the loose not too long ago who was running around slapping people?"

Misty: "Yeah, but that person was never captured."

Debra: "Yeah, well, that person may have struck again. Someone was slapped early this morning on the train. And when I say slapped, I mean he got the living shit smacked out of him. He had a slap mark on the right side of his face. When I saw his face I was like "Jesus H. Christ, you just got the shit slapped out of you, son." Shit was real."

Misty: "I used to work on this case before I got sidetracked. Any other leads so far?"

Debra: "None."

Misty: "Alright, I'll start digging around and see what I can come up with. Hey, how did you know about the Slapper case? That happened before you came to town."

Debra: "My ineffective-as-shit predecessor left the Slapper file on the desk. Not only did I inherit lifeless hair and an unspectacular ass, but now I've also inherited this bullshit. Somebody fuck me in the ass already and get it over with."

While Misty slowly backed away, Charles Xavier slowly approached Debra.

Charles Xavier: "You called?"

Debra: "No I didn't. What are you doing here, pervert?"

Xavier: "I'm here to bail out Wolverine. You arrested him for drinking beer and breaking the Vulgaarity law."

Debra: "Oh yeah, I had forgotten all about that. Thanks to my dumb shapeless ass, we'll have to drop the charges against him. He's free to go."

Xavier: "Great. Listen, if you're serious about someone fucking you in the ass already, I'd be more than willing to give it a go."

Debra: "You? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'd rather get fucked in the ass by my cat wearing a dildo."

Xavier: "Ooh, a threesome! Even better..."

[moneyspider]

The goddamn Batman was hanging out in the goddamn Batcave with Ace the Bathound, who was licking his own dog balls in the corner.

Batman: "Ace! Knock that off! The sound of that is disgusting!"

Ace: (thinking) "Don't knock it till you've tried it, Bruce."

Batman did a little dance and then sat down to analyze a footprint.

Nightwing catapulted into the Batcave.

Nightwing: "Hey Bruce."

Batman grunted as he jumped to his feet and looked at something through a microscope.

Nightwing: "Did you hear that Wonder Woman and Superman broke up?"

Batman: "It was inevitable. A woman like Diana wouldn't be happy long-term with a boy scout like Clark Kent."

Nightwing: "I finally have a shot at asking her out."

Batman laughed so hard he split his suit. After he changed into another batsuit, he resumed staring through the microscope.

Nightwing: "What are you looking at?"

Batman: "I'm trying to find Paris Hilton's breasts."

Nightwing: "O-kay. But seriously...you might laugh, but I think Wonder Woman digs me. Do you remember when she put her hand on my shoulder one of the last times she was here?"

Batman: "I remember. I have eidetic memory."

Nightwing: "Huh?"

Batman sighed. "I have a photographic memory. Damn, Richard, you should know what eidetic means. We went over that plenty of times when you were five years old."

Nightwing rolled his eyes and began thinking about Wonder Woman's legs.

Batman: "And if you're thinking about Diana's gams, don't. I made the mistake of putting my hand on her thigh recently, and I paid the price."

Nightwing: "That's because you didn't do it right. Me? I'm going to be a lot smoother when I touch her. Oh yeah."

Batman: "I'll come visit you in the hospital."
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Emma Frost was staring sadly into her cup of steaming cocoa at Central Perk when Storm walked past Ross Geller and Rachel Green and sat down.

Storm: "Hey Roadkill."

Emma: "Hey Ororo."

Storm: "Whoa. You didn't return the insult. What's the matter?"

Emma sighed and slowly stirred her cocoa.

Emma: "I'm lonely. Ever since Valentine's Day, I've been extremely lonely. Oh God I need a man!"

She put her head down and wept.

Storm: "I have an idea."
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When Storm returned home, she told the Black Panther about her idea.

Black Panther: (building an improved teleportation device) "That is a bad idea."

Storm: "Will you help me?"

Black Panther: "No."

Storm: "Too bad, you're helping me."

Black Panther: "Damn!"

Storm: "Now here's what we're going to do first..."
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A few hours later, while Emma was sitting at the Olive Garden waiting for her blind date to arrive, her cell phone rang.

Emma: "Hello?"

General Zod: "This is Zod."

Emma: "Hey Zod."

General Zod: "Where did you say Storm and Black Panther live? I will go to them now and make them kneel before Zod."

Emma: "Oh, I forgot to tell you, don't hurt them. Right now they are helping me with an important matter, so I kind of need them to be in one piece for the time being."

General Zod: "That does not work for me. I must make them kneel. There comes a time in every Earth person's life when he or she must kneel before Zod."

Emma: "I can't talk right now, plus you're using up my any-time minutes. Peace!"

Right after she hung up, her blind date arrived, who was-
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"Doom? Doctor Doom? You set me up with Doctor Doom?" Emma asked of Storm and Black Panther the next morning as she stood in their kitchen.

Storm:chuckled while Black Panther just sat in a corner of the room with his arms folded, watching the entire scene and missing nothing. Every few seconds his ears would move like a cat's.

Emma: "That's not funny, Storm!"

Storm: "Well, you said you were lonely, and we figured Doctor Doom is always lonely, so we thought you two would make a perfect match."

Black Panther: "Actually, Emma Frost, I told Storm this was a bad idea, but she insisted. You know how she is...she always has to have her way, no matter what."

Storm: "Oh hush, T'Challa. You are this close to sleeping in the bath tub tonight with the water running. Now Emma, tell us what happened on the date!"

Emma: "First we ate, then we danced, then he demanded I return to Latveria with him and help him upgrade his Doombots."

Black Panther jumped up.

Black Panther: "Doom's upgrading his robots? I must go to the Caves of Bast in Wakanda at once and prepare a contingency plan for that."

Storm groaned.

Storm: "T'Challa, it's late. Do you have to go do that now?"

Black Panther: "Contingency plans cannot wait. Will you help me?"

Storm: "No."

Black Panther: "Too bad, you're helping me."

Storm: "No, I'm not."

Black Panther: "Damn!"

Black Panther activated his improved teleportation device and disappeared.

Storm: "What happened after the Doombot upgrades?"

Emma: "He demanded that I sing for him, and he told me that if I refused, I would have to deal with his Doombots. After that he took me home, but insisted that he and I would have a second date. His Doombots are supposed to come for me later tonight. I'm going to make you and T'Challa pay for this, Storm."

Storm: "Hey, you're the one who wanted a date. Be careful what you wish for. Now get out."

Emma: "Later, jock itch."

Storm: "Bye, dick sweat."
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Black Panther, who had also been in Wakanda for another secret Illuminati meeting, was on his way out of the Necropolis when he saw the Blue Marvel coming from the Palace Royal.

Black Panther: "Adam? What are you doing in Wakanda?"

Blue Marvel: "Your sister sent for me."

Black Panther: "Why? Is there trouble?"

Blue Marvel: "No. I'm dating your sister."
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When Black Panther got back to New York, Storm was waiting up for him.

Black Panther: "Storm, you're never going to believe this, but Adam the Blue Marvel and my sister are-"

Storm: "-an item. Yes, dear, I'm aware. Shuri told me a few days ago, and from what she's been telling me, she really likes him. Ready for bed? Make sure you take out the garbage first. Oh, and make sure that the doors are locked. Oh, and could you see if the clothes have finished drying?"

Black Panther sat down on the bed, dazed.

Black Panther: "Do you think my baby sister is having sex?"

Storm: "She's a grown ass woman with needs and desires, just like every other woman on the planet. She can take care of herself. And both you and I know that the Blue Marvel is a really great guy. Your sister's in good hands."

Black Panther: "We shall see. I'll keep my eye on the situation."

Storm: "Of course you will, because you're paranoid."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere, in Latveria...

Doctor Doom: "Now Emma, you will entertain me on this here our second date. Dance for me."

Emma: "I actually don't feel like-"

Doctor Doom: "Girl, get your bony blonde ass up and dance for Doom!"

Emma had never jumped up and danced so fast in all her life...

[moneyspider]

Emma Frost barged into the apartment of Storm and Black Panther and flopped down on their couch.

Black Panther: "Uh, excuse us, but haven't you ever heard of knocking?"

Emma ignored the question.

Emma: "Ughh. You guys have got to help me break up with Doctor Doom."

Black Panther: "No we don't."

Emma: "It's you guys' fault that I'm in this relationship with him."

Storm: "Have you been firm with him? Did you sit him down and tell him that it's not working out with you two?"

Emma: "Yes, but he just does not care. Every time I tell him we're through, he threatens to destroy New York."

Black Panther: "Meh. He's bluffing."

Emma: "I don't think he is, and I don't want to take that chance. But we've got to do something."

Black Panther: "We" don't have to do anything. YOU had better figure out a way to get him to break up with you."

Emma: "That's brilliant! What do I do?"

Storm: "Show him your breasts. That would drive any man away!"

Storm and Black Panther high-fived each other.

Emma: "Guys, come on, I'm serious. And besides, he's already seen them."

Storm nearly choked on her Wakandan mint tea.

Storm: "WHAT?"

Emma: "Yeah...he told me to dance for him, and one thing led to another and it turned into a topless dance. He and his upgraded Doombots are very persuasive."

Black Panther: "Did he laugh when he saw your chest?"

Emma: "What? No, why would he-"

Black Panther: "Did he wince?"

Emma: "No-"

Black Panther: "Did he cry? Scream? Gouge out his own eyes?"

Emma: "I hate you, T'Challa."

Storm: "Emma, what you should do is make yourself unattractive to Doom. He'll drop you so fast it will make your head spin."

Emma: "Hmmm, that could work."

Storm: "Come on, let's head over to the beauty salon so that we can get you a reverse makeover."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rogue was sweeping up some dirt in the kitchen at the Jean Grey Institute of Higher Learning when Wolverine walked in.

Wolverine: "As it should be...a woman in the kitchen."

Rogue: "Shut up, Logan! I'm in no mood for your jokes."

Wolverine: "What's with you?"

Rogue: "Forget it. Just stay out of my way."

Wolverine reached for a beer in the refrigerator.

Rogue: "Oh, sorry. I kinda drank all your beer last night."

Wolverine: "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

Rogue: "I thought you and I were going to start dating, but you haven't made a move on me ever since you smacked me on my butt. What's up with that?"

Wolverine: "Oh...well, ever since Jean came back, things have been different."

Rogue: "I see."

Wolverine: "It's just that...Jean's Jean...and you're you...so..."

Rogue: "Say no more, I understand."

Wolverine: "So we're cool?"

Rogue: "Yep. Absolutely. Cool as a cucumber."

Wolverine: "Okay, great. Well, I'ma go and do something mysterious. I'll see you later!"

As soon as Wolverine left, Rogue marched up the stairs to Jean's bedroom, burst in and punched Jean across the room.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Storm and Emma Frost returned to the apartment Storm shared with Black Panther, Emma folded her arms and waited for Black Panther's reaction to her hair, which was tangled and standing straight up.

When Black Panther hissed at her and arched his back to appear larger, Emma started crying.

Emma: "Oh God, I look hideous!"

Storm: "But Emma, that's what we want. And T'Challa, stop hissing! You're making her feel bad!"

Black Panther swatted at Emma and then jumped backwards with his human-feline ears flattened against his head.

Storm: "Don't mind T'Challa, Emma. He's just a bit alarmed. Let's just hope Doom is also alarmed and wants to break up with you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next thing Jean knew, she was being punched in a kidney.

Rogue: "That's for coming back and ruining what could have been between me and Logan."

Jean: "Logan? Look, Rogue, he's all yours. I don't like Logan like that."

Rogue: "You don't?"

Jean: "No. He's short, hairy and he smells like rotten meat. I like my guys tall, clean-shaven and smelling good."

Rogue: "Oh. Good. Then we shouldn't have a problem."

Jean rose to her feet and brushed dirt off her dress.

Jean: "I must say that I'm surprised you're interested in Logan. I thought you and Gambit were forever."

Rogue snorted.

Rogue: "Me and that Cajun are so over, at least for now. Logan and I have a lot in common. The problem is, he's head over heels in love with you."

Jean: "Damn my attractiveness! It's a gift and a curse!"
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Meanwhile, in the Lair of Evil hidden away deep within the bowels of I have no idea where, Bane flexed his muscles and then spit on a picture of Batman.

Bane: "I will break the Bat."

Poison Ivy: "LOL, yeah right. You can't even break a baseball bat."

Bane: "I resent that."

Poison Ivy: "You'll never break him."

Joker: "She's right, Has-Bane."

Bane: "Shut up, Clown."

Riddler: "If you really want to destroy him, send him a riddle."

The Riddler giggled and started writing something.

Two-Face: (flipping a coin in the air) "No no no. What you do is set up a crime involving the number two, and then at precisely 2:00 a.m., you kidnap two children, order two donuts and two glasses of milk before you call Commisioner Gordon's office twice."

Joker: "You said Number Two! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Scarface: "Joker, you're an idiot."

Joker: "And you're a dummy, Dummy."

Penguin: "Wait for it to rain, and then hire a whole bunch of scoundrels disguised as ordinary citizens to shoot him with the umbrellas they are holding in the rain. He'll never see it coming."

Catwoman rolled her eyes.

Scarecrow: "What you do is frighten him until his heart explodes. Expose his greatest fears. Destroy his mind, and his body will follow."

Poison Ivy: "Now you've got my attention. How do we do that?"

Scarecrow: "I'm not sure yet. I ran out of my fear toxin."

Joker: "Well make some more, Scaredycrow, and be quick about it! I have a date with Harley tonight and she hates to be kept waiting!"

Riddler: "I have the perfect riddle to stump Bat whats-his-face: What's green and red and hangs on a tree?"

Catwoman: "A Christmas ornament."

The Riddler scowled and went back to the writing board.
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Vixen, who was on duty in the Watchtower high above the Earth, was reading a fashion magazine when The Flash walked into the room.

Flash: "Hey Mari."

Vixen: "Hey Wally."

Flash: "Wow, I don't think I've ever seen your hair so long before."

Vixen: "Yeah, I got tired of wearing it short. For once, I'm going to let it grow past my shoulders."

Flash: "Cool. Um, have you seen Wonder Woman?"

Vixen: "No, so it looks like you'll have to keep your drool in your mouth a bit longer."

Flash: "Why, what ever do you mean?"

Vixen: "You're not slick, Wally. Almost every male in the Justice League has the hots for Wonder Woman. Speaking of which, did you hear that she and Superman broke up?"

Flash grinned. "I sure did."

Batman strolled into the room with confidence, because he was the goddamned Batman and he figured everyone else realized that.

Batman: "Flash. Vixen."

Vixen: "Batman."

Flash: "Hi."

Batman: "Say, have either of you seen-"

Vixen: "She's not here. I think she had to go back to Themyscira for a pillow fight or something."

Batman: "Oh, ok. No biggie. Yeah, cuz I just needed to ask her about some stuff."

Vixen: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."

Flash: "Never mind about us, Vixen...who do YOU have a crush on in the Justice League?"

Vixen: "No one."

Batman: "Yeah, right."

Vixen: "I'm serious. No one here catches my eye."

Batman: "Wait, you're serious? Not even me? But I'm the-"

Vixen: (yawning) "-goddamned Batman. Yeah, I know. Wow, excuse me. I didn't realize I was so tired."

Nightwing bounded into the room.

Nightwing: "Hey guys! Uh, Vixen, have you-"

Vixen: "Uggh, for the love of God, she is not here!!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wonder Woman, who had lost the pillow fight on Themyscira to her mother, was flying back toward Earth in her Invisible Jet when something slammed into the jet.

Wonder Woman: "Great Hera!"

Wonder Woman landed the Invisible Jet on the moon, climbed out and was immediately punched in the face by Supergirl.

Supergirl: "That's for breaking my cousin's heart!"

Wonder Woman drew her sword and swung as hard as she could at Supergirl's head...

[moneyspider]

Storm peered out of the bathroom at T'Challa, who was sitting on the couch watching an NBA basketball game between the Miami Heat and the Oklahoma City Thunder. Storm stared at him for a long time before she finally spoke.

Storm: "T'Challa?"

Black Panther: "Uh oh."

Storm: "I'm going to hang with some of my girls, and we're also having a slumber party, so you'll be sleeping alone tonight, unfortunately."

Black Panther: "Okay, thanks for the heads up."

Storm: "You'll be okay here by yourself?"

Black Panther: "Of course. Why do you always ask me that when you go somewhere without me?"

Storm: "Goddess! No need to get all testy!"

She stared at him for a few more minutes, and when he suddenly looked in her direction, her head quickly disappeared back into the bathroom.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wonder Woman swung her sword as fast as she could at Supergirl's head and very nearly decapitated her.

Supergirl: "You are such a bitch!"

Wonder Woman swung the sword again but Supergirl melted the sword with her heat vision.

Supergirl: "Nobody breaks my cousin's heart and gets away with it!"

When Supergirl and Wonder Woman started wrestling on the moon, the Watcher suddenly emerged from his hideout and watched the entire event.

Wonder Woman: "Are you just going to stand there and watch, Watcher?"

Watcher: "Pretty much this."

Wonder Woman kicked Supergirl in the gut and Supergirl went flying out of control toward Pluto.

Wonder Woman: "Don't you ever get tired of just being an observer, Watcher?"

Watcher: "No."

Wonder Woman: (climbing back into her Invisible Jet) "If Supergirl comes flying back here, tell her to stay her Kryptonian ass out of my way."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Wonder Woman returned to the Watch Tower, Vixen, Flash and Batman were still on duty.

Wonder Woman: "Hi Sister."

Vixen: "Hi Diana."

Wonder Woman: "You're going to hang out with Storm and the other women tonight, right?"

Vixen: "Yeah."

Wonder Woman: "Me too! We should go to Misty Knight's apartment together."

Vixen: "Um, okay."

Wonder Woman: "You'll never believe what happened to me earlier. I had an altercation with one of our other sisters, Supergirl. She tried to fight me because she said I broke Superman's heart. I had to show her what was up. She had better ask somebody."

Vixen: "She had better ask somebody what?"

Wonder Woman put on some lipstick.

Wonder Woman: "It's just slang talk, Sister."

Vixen: "Why do you keep calling me sister? Not every woman is your sister!"

Wonder Woman: "Great Hera! No need to get testy, Sister! And for the record, ALL females are sisters. FACT!"

Vixen: "Oh Lord."

Wonder Woman: "By the way, Sister, I so LOVE your hair!"

Vixen: "Thanks! I'm looking forward to letting it grow some more!"

Wonder Woman: "Later tonight you should let me and our sisters take turns braiding it or something. Or we can put it in a pony-tail or in pig-tails!"

Vixen: "Okay!"

When Vixen and Wonder Woman excitedly left the room to go to the bathroom together, Batman looked at Flash.

Batman: "What the hell just happened?"

Flash: "I don't know...Brother."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Latveria, Doctor Doom was watching Emma Frost prepare his meal of chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese.

Doctor Doom: "Wench, when will my meal be ready?"

Emma: "I am not a wench, and your meal will be ready in a few minutes. Be patient."

Doctor Doom: "Bah! Patience is for neanderthals! Doom never needs to wait!"

Emma sighed and wiped sweat off her forehead.

Doctor Doom: "If you really want to work up a sweat, just wait until you and I have relations tonight on this here our third date! Tonight as I spew a fresh hot load of cum on your cow face, you will call Doom "Daddy!"

Emma: "About that...tonight I'm going to a slumber party, so our "relations" will have to wait."

Doctor Doom: "Slumber party?"

Emma: "Yeah, you know, when two or more females get together to hang out overnight."

Doctor Doom: "Doom knows what a slumber party is! However, Doom is not sure he likes the idea of being alone, especially when he is aroused by the scent of a sweaty wench!"

Emma: "I told you I am not a-"

Doctor Doom: "Who is to be at this accursed slumber party?"

Emma: "Let's see, there's me, Misty Knight, that skank Storm, that bitch Rogue, that slut Wonder Woman, that animal-whisperer Vixen, that walking sperm bank Monet St. Croix..."

Doctor Doom: "Storm, Misty Knight and Monet, did you say? Yes, Doom loves the darkies..."

Emma: "Yeah, um, just so you'll know, saying "darkies" is a bit racist..."

Doctor Doom: "What Doom would not give to have those three chocolate pieces in the same bedroom with you, my fine white chocolate piece. Yes, Doom would be very pleased..."

Emma: "Um, okay..."

Doctor Doom: "Doom will crash this slumber party."

Emma: "No, don't. Only women are invited."

Doctor Doom: "Then Doom shall dress as a woman!"

Emma: "Wait, what?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that night, Storm peered out again at T'Challa, who was still watching television, though his eyes were half-slits. Storm took another look at herself in the mirror and then darted toward the front door.

Storm: "Okay, T'Challa, I'm outta here I'll see you later and I'm in love with you bye!"

Black Panther: "Wait just a minute, young lady!"

Storm sighed in exasperation, because she knew what was coming next.

Storm: "What, man?"

Black Panther: "Did you actually think I wouldn't notice how short your skirt is?"

Storm looked down at her mini-skirt and jumped in surprise.

Storm: "What the hell? How did this skirt get like this? This is an absolute outrage!"

Black Panther: "Ororo! Go and change."

Storm: "Excuse me? You don't own me, man! I wear what I damn well please! And you're lucky I'm not walking out of here naked!"

Black Panther: "Go change!"

Storm: "No!"

Black Panther ran onto their bedroom, pulled some pants out of Storm's side of the closet and then brought them back to her.

Black Panther: (handing the pants to her) "Here you go."

Storm snatched the pants with a huge sigh and ran upstairs. When she came back down a few minutes later, she was completely naked.

Storm: "Okay, now I'm ready to go."

Black Panther: "You can't go out of here like that!"

Storm: "Try me."

From the look of determination in her eyes, Black Panther could tell that it would be pointless to argue with her.

Black Panther: (sighing) "Fine, Ororo, you win...this time."

Storm grinned and ran back upstairs to put her original outfit back on...

[moneyspider]

At Misty Knight's apartment, which was the setting of the slumber party, Storm barged in like a BOSS and shoved Valkyrie into the wall.

Valkyrie: "Storm! What the fuck is your problem?"

Storm: "That's for clobbering me in the mouth with that hammer of yours in that recent comic book issue, you crazy dork!"

Storm lunged at Val again, and this time the two women grabbed each other's hair and began tugging.

Vixen sighed like a BOSS.

Vixen: (talking to Mary Jane Watson) "Why do we women always go for the other girl's hair when we fight? I mean, really?"

Mary Jane: "The hair is the easiest thing to grab. And when you get a hold on it, you don't let it go."

Val: "Let go of my hair, Ororo!"

Storm: "No! You let go of my hair!"

Wonder Woman used her Amazonian strength to separate the combatants.

Wonder Woman: "That's enough, Sisters. Tonight, we are here for fun. No fighting."

Storm and Valkyrie stomped off to separate corners of the living room.

Val: "Payback is going to be a bitch."

Storm: "Well then you must be payback."

Wonder Woman cleared her throat, and then she jumped up and down in excitement.

Wonder Woman: "Misty, what's the first thing we are going to do tonight?"

Misty Knight: "Order pizza!"

Suddenly the doorbell rang.

Zatanna: "Wow, cool magic trick, Misty! The pizza got here fast!"

Misty: "Very funny, Z."

When Misty opened the door, Police Captain Debra Morgan entered the apartment.

Debra: "Sorry I'm late. My cat was trying to lick me in the ass again."
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At the New Titans headquarters, Raven was meditating in her room with the door open like a BOSS when Starfire poked her head inside.

Starfire: "Hello Raven. Do you wish to go to a party to slumber?"

Raven looked at Starfire, who was grinning with her eyes closed.

Raven: "I think I'll pass."

Starfire: "That is too bad. We will be fighting with mattresses and stalking men."

Raven: "Do you mean you will be having a pillow fight and talking about men?"

Starfire: (frowning) "Hmm...perhaps. Please, Raven? I like hanging out with you."

Raven: (sighing) "Fine, but I refuse to have fun."
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As the women at the slumber party were eating pizza, Wonder Woman suddenly looked at Debra.

Wonder Woman: "Debra, what was it you were saying earlier about your cat?"

Debra: "Oh God. My cat has an ass fixation."

Storm snorted. "Hmmph, so does mine. And a vagina fixation. And a mouth fixation. And a thigh, leg, neck and breast fixation. You know, T'Challa is always feeling me up...more than I feel him up!"

Emma: "Geez. Is that all you and T'Challa do? Grope and fuck each other?"

Storm: "Sometimes. He also takes me on dates, and we go food shopping together, and sometimes we cuddle up at night and watch a whole bunch of movies. Sometimes he does my Physics homework for me while I'm watering my plants and trying to figure out what the next day's weather is going to be. Oh, and sometimes I assist him when he is inventing something. Often times we go on walks...nowhere in particular, just wherever our legs take us. We're actually thinking about going on another walkabout through Africa like we did when we were younger. Other times, we go on double dates with Reed and Susan Richards, or Peter Parker and Mary Jane."

Emma: "Lame!"

Storm: "Not as lame as your leg is going to be when I come over there and stab you in it with the sharpest pair of scissors I can find around here. Besides, T'Challa treats me like a queen and like I'm the only woman in the world, so anyone who doesn't like me being with T'Challa can kiss off. If I see putting your hands on my man, you will die."

Emma: "Wow. Lady, get over yourself. Nobody cares about your little rinky-dink dalliance with Garfield, okay?"

Storm leaned toward Emma and whispered in her ear.

Storm: "T'Challa always makes me gush. He turns me into a geyser."

Emma jumped up and moved to the other side of the room.

Rogue smiled. "Ah think it's interesting when you tell us about your relationship, Storm. I wonder if Wolverine would make as good a boyfriend for me as T'Challa does for you."

Emma: "I think I'm going to be sick. Wolverine is hardly boyfriend material. The man smells like a garbage can that hasn't been emptied for a month."

Rogue: "But he's so rugged and feral."

Vixen: "Emma, when you get done vomiting into the nearest waste basket, hand it to me, because I'm feeling rather queasy myself."

Rogue: "Whateva!"

Storm: (smiling and staring off into space) "T'Challa's a weapon of mass erection."

When the rest of the women laughed, Emma rolled her eyes.

Emma: "Right. Ororo, you are so full of shit. You know damn well you have no way of proving to us how big T'Challa's penis is."

Storm: "His penis is way bigger than yours, Emma."

Rogue: "Oooooooh, burn!"
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Dr. Evil, who had set up another secret lair, looked around the table at his colleagues as he stroked his hairless cat Mr. Bigglesworth.

Dr. Evil: "I'm the BOSS. I need the info."

Number 2: "What info?"

Dr. Evil: "Never mind. Frau Farbissina, would you be a dear and close the blinds?"

After Frau Farbissina closed them, Dr. Evil cleared his throat.

Dr. Evil: "Ladies and gentleman, it is time again to try and rule the world. But this time, before we attempt that, we will destroy our enemy, AUSTIN POWERS."

Dr. Evil's son Scott scoffed at him.

Scott: "Austin Powers is on another assignment in another country, dipshit. We can take over the world before he returns to stop us."

Dr. Evil: "In that case, we must destroy our other enemy before we attempt to take over the world."

Number 2: "Who's our other enemy?"

Dr. Evil and his clone midget Mini Me both turned to Farbissina.

Frau Farbissina called up an image on the projector screen.

Frau: "His name is Adam Bernard Brashear, also known as the Blue Marvel. Back in the 1960s, when Austin Powers wasn't wreaking havoc on Dr. Evil's plans, the Blue Marvel was making a habit of shutting down the Doctor's operations. The good doctor tried several times to eradicate the Blue Marvel, but the Man of Marvels always emerged victorious...that is until the day that the Blue Marvel decided to retire."

Dr. Evil: "And now that I've learned that the Blue Marvel has come out of retirement and is hell-bent on stopping crime wherever it is, I must destroy him before he tries to stop my world domination. We must neutralize him!"

Alotta Fagina: "What are his strengths and weaknesses?"

Frau: "He is basically a living antimatter generator with superhuman speed and reflexes, superhuman strength, superhuman endurance and the ability to fly. From what the Doctor has seen, Blue Marvel is almost invulnerable. He must have a weakness that we can exploit, though."

Dr. Evil: "His invulnerability will come to an end, because I will build an anti-antimatter machine that will shut him down for good. I will use this anti-antimatter machine to shoot Blue Marvel with an anti-antimatter laser beam that will rob him of his antimatter powers. But in order to build this machine, we must hold the world ransom for one dollar!"

Dr. Evil smirked and put a pinky up to his mouth in triumph.
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The doorbell rang again, and when Wonder Woman answered the door, a man gave her a box.

Wonder Woman: "What's this?"

Delivery Man: "That's an omnibus collecting Christopher Priest's entire run on "Black Panther" from 1998 to 2003...all 62 issues."

Wonder Woman: "Great Hera, shut the fuck up and take my money!"

Wonder Woman paid the delivery man for the omnibus and sat down to admire the book. When the doorbell rang again, Rogue went to answer the door, and in walked Raven and Starfire.

Starfire: "Hello everyone!"

Everyone: "Hey Starfire."

Raven sat in a corner of the room and began meditating.

Raven: "Azarath metrion zinthos..."

Emma: (looking at Starfire) "What's with the goth chick?"

Starfire: "She's not goth."

Emma: "Oh. Is she emo?"

Starfire: "No."

Emma: "Oh. Why is she being weird?"

Starfire: "She's not being weird. She is meditating in an effort to control her power."

Emma: "Ooooooh, riiiiiiiiiiiight."

Misty Knight: "Starfire, you and Raven arrived just in time. We're still talking about boys."

Starfire clapped her hands and grinned. "Yay! I love Dick!"

Wonder Woman: "Every girl in this room loves dick."

Starfire frowned. "You all love Richard Grayson as well?"

Raven: (rocking back and forth) "Boys will freeze your soul and carve out your heart. Better to have never loved than to have loved and lost. But, in order for the universe to continue, we must be impregnated with their seed to bring forth life. Here, give birth and let the youngins populate the cosmos. It's survival...and it's primal, and it's necessary. Cringe but yet rejoice in the primal urges that we all have...even me. My hooded ass could definitely use a good round of tapping. Pour me a drink, maybe two or twenty. Wine me, dine me, then lead me astray as you take me back to your place for a wild night of vomiting and lovemaking. Put on the condom and then watch it rip as you thrust mightily into me. After you're done erupting inside me, good sir, I will kick you out of your own house."

Emma: (raising a drink) "You took the words right out of my mouth..."