A newbie's guide to the X-Men by the CBR X-Forums Posters

[Valeria Kementari]

I have noticed the sheer amount of newcomers in the X-Forums and the repercussions of such influx of people. The very first one is that this new people do not comprehend the unique view of the X-World that the not-so-new posters of this august assemblage of fans possess. As such it is imperative for us to teach this new generation of posters how the X-World MUST be interpreted.

For that particular reason I have devised this thread. In here you newbies will learn what the truth is, how the X-World HAVE TO be
interpreted. Do understand that if your views are different they will be met with laughter.

I urge regular posters to contribute to the list of FACTS that comprise this guide as I want this to be more legitimate than just one person writing facts about the x-men.

* Sage is one of the original X-Men: There should be no doubt about this. There is no "05" there is an 06.
* Storm was in truth an Stormbot from circa X-Men #175 to X-Men: Schism one-shot.
* Iceman is GAY. He justs lacks the courage to get out of the closet. We all pray that he leaves his cowardly ways and stands proud, revealing his sexual preferences to the world.
* Jean Grey definitely mind-controlled Forge into dumping Storm so that Jean could have all the attention at her wedding.
* Rachel Grey is really a Howlett.
* Jean Grey remembers sleeping with Havok.
* Sage knew Magneto was an imposter pretending to be Xorn.
* Rogue got Nightcrawler killed.
* Clones don't have souls.
* Longshot raped Dazzler.
* Skin's real name was Angelo Torres.
* Jean cheated first.
* Rachel Summers, AKA: Phoenix II, murdered Lilandra Neramani.
* Wolfsbane is the only member of the New Mutants who has done something with her life.
* Magneto has a son named Carter and a crazy-ass clone named "Lorna" running around pretending to be his daughter.
* Kitty Pryde is a racist
* Storm is not Black
* Layla Miller killed Bishop's parents. She killed Shard.
* Storm's marriage to the Black Panther is not legally valid as she was still married to Dracula.
* Carol Danvers, AKA: Ms. Marvel, is obese.
* Cyclops is a dictator, despite the fact that the X-men are free to come and go and disagree with him in public.
* Namor is NOT a dictator, despite the fact that Atlantis never had an election and he'll more often than not kill any opposition.
* Beast never did anything useful in his life.
* Colossus is a pedophile and a deadbeat dad.
* Loa is Namor's fat grand-daughter. She'll also whore out her own kind just for a nice sundae.
* Wolverine is bisexual.
* Onslaught is the love child of Xavier and Magneto
* Beast has committed mass genocide twice now.
* Gambit, Rogue and Sage are a threesome.
* The X-Women only know how to sing Proud Mary
* Amanda Sefton and Nightcrawler's relationship is incestuous.
* Nightcrawler has a double penis.
* Destiny is Nightcrawler's mother and Mystique is his father.
* Only two of the dead characters in Necrosha came back to life. They were Doug Ramsey and Feral. Everyone else was killed off again.
* X-23's official X-Men codename is 'Fang'
* Emma Frost's personality is actually bootleg. She is in fact a black British woman named Astrid Bloom.
* Dust's character design is racist.
* Rogue ruined the Bob/Lindy marriage and caused Siege
* Storm, Callisto, and Yukio had a hot tub threesome and are lesbians together
* Nightcrawler and Amanda Sefton had a threesome with an unconscious Candy Southern in a hot tub as wel
* Captain Britain is useless, a drunk and an abusive husband.
* The Black Panther is bad in bed and bores Storm
* Psylocke has a cellulitis problem
* Storm ordered the death of Marrow
* Bishop is not black, but is aboriginal.
* Sage is the human embodiment of the Siege Perilous.
* Rockslide is the future apprentice of Amahl Farouk, and is also a secret Phoenix.
* Thunderbird III outranks all other x-men in Bishop's history books.
* Beast's next mutation was prophecied to be a slug.
* Captain Britain can speak in all of the uk's various accents at the same exact time.
* Psylocke is not remembered as an X-Man.
* The blue Canadian Five Lights girl is Fish Girl.
* The Japanese Akira Five Lights boy is Modern Art.
* Mystique is a man-hating lesbian who was raped by a demon and then raped by Sabretooth and knocked up both times. She slept with Iceman in order to give him a nano-tech STD
* Pixie = the aesthetically-inclined hipster's choice.
* Polaris is the first African-American X-Man
* The Brick is the most powerful enemy the X-Men have ever faced and will never be able to defeat
* Wakandans are traitors to their race, and they originated from Yugoslavia
* Fantomex is a bacteria and reproduces asexually
* Jean titties are famous in Mojoworld
* Mindee Cuckoo took advantage of a handicapped Gambit
* Storm is the one that started Emma on her road to redemption
* David Alleyne, aka Mustafe X, is Cipher's assistant
* Grifter and Jean were a hot couple
* T'Challa killed Nezhno
* Gambit is the love child of Cyclops and Mr Sinister
* Magik 2.0 and Cypher 2.0 are wholly new characters all Doug and Illyana past continuity has been scrapped.
* Shadowcat is a stupid codename. Bubblehead is not.
* Crosta is more of an X-Man than Namor will ever be.
* Jamie Braddock is living inside a magic doll of his dead sister.
* X-Force is an international coalition of racists against Egypt.
* Captain America is GAY
* Warlock invented selflove
* NEX Dazzler was a skrull and Sage discovered this via fashion sabotage.
* Magneto has a sex tape of Rogue loosing her virginity
* Storm's secondary mutation is to always have fabulous hair.
* Cable's the clone, Stryfe the original, Rachel trolled 616.
* Rachel deflowered Storm via The Shadow King
* Moira MacTaggert was a Latent Mutant
* Namor is a secret ginger.
* Just like Rachel, Karma, Marrow, Sat-yr-9 and Emma Frost, Magik is in love with Kitty Pryde
* Magik was Magneto's favourite student
* Magik is half-goat
* Magik keeps Playgirls under her bed.
* Jean Grey died on the Moon.
* Prodigy and Synch do have welfare powers, though. Bishop and Rogue are looters.
* Polaris is half mermaid.
* Scott Summers is a Dinosaur Molester and a Dictator
* Dazzler's ability to turn sound into light is actually her secondary mutation. Her foremost ability is to be a complete failure at everything she does.
* Cyclops killed Moira MacTaggert
* Pixie is a defective mutant
* Nightcrawler was Oviparous, he laid down eggs on Westchester which Wolverine fertilized and led to the infestation of BAMFS
* Cipher is a prisoner of war by Dictator Scott.
* Namor is hot for Summers
* Emma is a sexual predator and Cyclops currently has Stockholm Syndrome
* Iceman is currently made of Havok's pee and has Summers DNA
* Jack O'Diamonds used Scott as a child prostitute
* Storm's marriage was never consummated because Black Panther can't get an erection. Its Annulment retroactively erased it.
* Emma Frost saved Firestar from teenage pregnancy
* Sofia Mantega is dead.

[darknessatnoon]

• Jean Grey definitely mind-controlled Forge into dumping Storm so that Jean could have all the attention at her wedding.
  
• Rachel Grey is really a Howlett.

[Brian M.]

I reported this thread.

This is not the way to welcome in new people.

Edit your original post and you can keep it...maybe.

[Seresecros]

There were originally seven X-Men hired by Charles Xavier. They were Cyclops, Jean Grey, Sage, Angel, Beast, Shortpack and Iceman. However, he also had a B-Team made up of Vulcan, Darwin, Petra, and Sway. This makes Darwin the first black X-Man and Sway the first hispanic X-Man.

[darknessatnoon]

There were originally seven X-Men hired by Charles Xavier. They were Cyclops, Jean Grey, Sage, Angel, Beast, Shortpack and Iceman. However, he also had a B-Team made up of Vulcan, Darwin, Petra, and Sway. This makes Darwin the first black X-Man and Sway the first hispanic X-Man.

Technically, Polaris and Havok were members prior to the B-Team, making Polaris the first African-American X-Man.

Jean Grey remembers sleeping with Havok.

Sage knew Xorn was Magneto.

Rogue got Nightcrawler killed.

[Valeria Kementari]

I reported this thread.

This is not the way to welcome in new people.

Edit your original post and you can keep it...maybe.

you're dying to be a mod, aren't you?

[darknessatnoon]

you're dying to be a mod, aren't you?

You can't become a mod if you've ever been banned. The Rumbles forum broke my cherry, but Brian is like anti-matter to that job. You're a lot closer. Have you ever even gotten a moderator warning?

[Valeria Kementari]

You can't become a mod if you've ever been banned. The Rumbles forum broke my cherry, but Brian is like anti-matter to that job. You're a lot closer. Have you ever even gotten a moderator warning?

Why would I? I've never done anything against the rules

[lockerogue]

Sway was the first Asian X-Man. I request that you fix your mistake Seresecros.

[Brian M.]

you're dying to be a mod, aren't you?

I refuse to let you spread the lie of Sage as an Original X-Men. She was a house maid, an errand girl at best.

[Chase_Stein]

Sway the first hispanic X-Man.

FYI everyone Sway is the first Asian X-man.

- I would like to add that Psylocke is also the first mutant to reach her quinary mutation.

[Valeria Kementari]

I refuse to let you spread the lie of Sage as an Original X-Men. She was a house maid, an errand girl at best.

You must accept canon

[Raeden]

* Storm is in truth an Stormbot since circa X-Men #175. This has been proved many times, Storm has been replaced by a Stormbot for reasons yet to be disclosed.

All of the references to Stormbot makes sense now. Thank you!

[Valeria Kementari]

All of the references to Stormbot makes sense now. Thank you!

You're welcome!!! The thread is starting to fulfill its intention.

[Seresecros]

It's spelt R-O-G-U-E.