When things end...

[Aspield]

Ok, so my boyfriend of the last three years and I are parting ways (different directions and all that). Its not the most amicable split, to be honest. I started it when I moved back to nyc and he stayed in dc. It wasn't just the move, but it was exacerbated by it.

Now we're at the point of splitting things, and things are getting uglier.

The thing I have questions about -- he wants to keep both dogs because he doesn't feel like they should be split and I left the relationship (therefore losing all rights to the dogs or anything else he wants to keep).

Initially we each got a dog - so there was 'his' dog and 'my' dog. Now he says 'our' dogs, that I'm a selfish bunghole for wanting to split them, that it will traumatize them, and that I just keep on taking.
Sigh.

Advice? Do I pursue getting my dog back? Should I just call him a loss and get another dog? Will this truly traumatize the dogs to seperate them?

[the4thpip]

Suggest that a third party take both dogs. Say, a friend the two of you still have in common.

If he really only cares about the dogs' welfare, he'll agree. If not, he is just being an asshole.

[sk716]

If the dogs get along, splitting them up will be traumatic for both dogs.

[Major Comma]

I like the4thpips idea.
and it doesnt split up the dogs .
If he refuses to give the dogs to a third party and he wont let you have both dogs ,
then leave the dogs with him .
Think of it as one last parting gift to the two of them.

[Reverend Smooth]

I'm actually going to go with 'split'. He can always get a companion for the current dog so they're not left alone during the day (if that's a concern), and you can take yours with you.

Sure, they'll be bummed out for a while, but they won't be scarred for life, and if they like your company, you can do activities with them, play with them more, etc, to ease them through it.

You're not a selfish asshole, anyway. IMO, he's being passive-aggressive. Take your dog with you. It won't cause irreparable emotional damage to the pets. They won't be traumatised, they won't be damaged, and it won't be the end of the world.

(When my ex left, she took one of her cats. The other two, she left. One of the ones she left behind was happier with her gone; the other was quite depressed. But just getting lots of attention made the latter get over it and become very friendly and affectionate.)

[Aspield]

Suggest that a third party take both dogs. Say, a friend the two of you still have in common.

If he really only cares about the dogs' welfare, he'll agree. If not, he is just being an asshole.

Great idea. Alas, we have no mutual friends (an ongoing issue).

Last night, I was visiting and he decided to get in my face, screaming, and push me. All because of 'the dogs'.
I told him I refuse to be the bad guy and fight him (besides I'm 37, fist fights are no longer cute).

Argh!

[Christopher Cross Is God]

Great idea. Alas, we have no mutual friends (an ongoing issue).

Last night, I was visiting and he decided to get in my face, screaming, and push me. All because of 'the dogs'.
I told him I refuse to be the bad guy and fight him (besides I'm 37, fist fights are no longer cute).

Argh!

Should've done the Three Stooges eye-poke in retaliation.

Originally, I would have said let him have the two dogs........But if he's going to be that confrontational about it, to the extent of being an overly-emotional asshole, keep your dog.

He's using them as leverage in a power struggle. Ick.

Agreed.....And, however remote it may be, there's the possibility he may become abusive towards Aspield's dog due to remembering whose dog it originally was.

[bert]

Ok, so my boyfriend of the last three years and I are parting ways (different directions and all that). Its not the most amicable split, to be honest. I started it when I moved back to nyc and he stayed in dc. It wasn't just the move, but it was exacerbated by it.

Now we're at the point of splitting things, and things are getting uglier.

The thing I have questions about -- he wants to keep both dogs because he doesn't feel like they should be split and I left the relationship (therefore losing all rights to the dogs or anything else he wants to keep).

Initially we each got a dog - so there was 'his' dog and 'my' dog. Now he says 'our' dogs, that I'm a selfish bunghole for wanting to split them, that it will traumatize them, and that I just keep on taking.
Sigh.

Advice? Do I pursue getting my dog back? Should I just call him a loss and get another dog? Will this truly traumatize the dogs to seperate them?

Awww. . I'm so sorry :(

(((hugs)))

I would let the dogs stay together, I really do think it would traumatize them.

I wouldn't call it a loss, I'd make it clear that you would like to have occasional "visitation" - even if it's just a quick visit to them when you're in town.

but I would let him keep both dogs together, if YOU taking both of them isn't an option.

[Reverend Smooth]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.

[Aspield]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.

I tend to agree, Rev. I wanted to hear other's views because this is my first dog and I don't know much about pets, to be honest.
I just miss my dog and want him with me in nyc!

One of the issues is that my dog is a little older and more grounded; his dog is more high strung. I think the ex is more worried about how his dog will handle it, to be honest, rather than the two of them.

[Reverend Smooth]

The ex can acquire another dog. He could, say, call the local shelter, and explain that he has a dog who might need a companion and is somewhat high-strung; do they have any mellow dog-friendly dogs that they could meet and see if they might get along?

Places like this are invested in adopting out dogs and not seeing them returned a week later; they should be able to find a decent match. That's usually part of the process of finding homes anyway, making sure they integrate well with their new family.

[Village Idiot]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.

I agree wholeheartedly. After a day or so, the dogs will be fine. They will get used to being without the other so fast it will amaze you.

Stressing what Cesar Millan says:

Dogs live in the moment, not the past.

[Solaris]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.

I have to back Rev on this, but include one more point:

While your dog may indeed miss the other dog and vice versa, what about your dog missing YOU? Either way you look at it, both dogs are going to end up missing *someone*... so take your dog with you, give him/her extra love and affection and treats like trips to the park or whatever, and if he/she remains depressed after a month or two, then look into finding a shelter dog he/she gets along with.

And your ex should do the same with the other dog.

I will say this for both pets and children: when a breakup occurs, people who really care often try to put themselves last, and try to think of it from the POV of the pets/kids. It's a wonderful, noble, unselfish thing to do---but in the process, we somehow never put ourselves *back* into the picture enough to realize that the pet or child is *going* to miss us... and that can be very traumatic.

Sure, the other dog is a buddy---but YOU are the pack leader, the person he/she depends on, the source of love and food and play and all good things. Losing you will really tear him/her up.

When I got divorced, I did this. I was so concerned over trying to keep so many things the same in the girls' lives (house, school, etc.) I forgot to factor in how little those things mattered to them, compared to my role in their lives... and by trying to be unselfish and "do the right thing by them," I let myself get steamrolled by my ex (who used all those arguments, plus the "I'll fight you tooth and nail, and you don't want them to feel fought over, do you?" argument) into hurting them far more than if I'd stop to think how they'd feel about *me* not being the parent with possessive custody.

Take your dog. Heck, if you need to, fight for *both* dogs. But don't let him play on your feelings of guilt and your desire to be so unselfish you totally put yourself out of the picture... because to your dog (or your child), you're NEVER out of the picture.

[Aspield]

Awww. . I'm so sorry :(

(((hugs)))

I would let the dogs stay together, I really do think it would traumatize them.

I wouldn't call it a loss, I'd make it clear that you would like to have occasional "visitation" - even if it's just a quick visit to them when you're in town.

but I would let him keep both dogs together, if YOU taking both of them isn't an option.

Thanks, bert.
He refuses to let me keep both dogs.

[Reverend Smooth]

This definitely sounds like a vendetta on his part more than concern. Take your dog and get away from him.