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  1. #1
    There is only one truth! Peter Parker's Avatar
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    Default Spidey Super Stories

    I'm sorry, but this comic is lame enough to get itself a stand alone topic. xD

    For the first discussion of this topic, I would like to bring out the comparison between two comic series that changes Spidey dramatically (Ultimate Spidey and Spidey Super Stories).

    Long before Ultimate Spider-Man came along to "re-hipify" Spider-Man, there was another trailblazing, alternate continuity series. This other series was the first one to feature Harry Osborn and Mary Jane in the same High School class as Peter. The first to show an alternate origin story. The first to appeal to a younger audience. What is this landmark series? Why, Spidey Super Stories, of course! So, realizing how much Ultimate Spider-Man stole from our beloved Spidey Super Stories, I did a comparison between the two, and you can make up your mind for yourself.

    Comparison Between Ultimate Spider-Man and Spidey Super Stories
    Ultimate Spider-Man
    1. Green Goblin is hulking, mysterious mute.
    2. Has Mary Jane as Peter's brainy bookworm pal.
    3. Written by boringly named Brain Bendis.
    4. Supporting Cast is mostly other high school kids.
    5. No plans for a storyline involving super-villains who mind-control gorillas to wash their laundry or who feed people magical insect hot dogs.
    6. Colors determined using the latest computer-generated shading and blending techniques on all surfaces.
    7. Printed on slick and glossy high quality paper.
    8. Mark Bagley has a great sense of layout, proportion, 3-dimensionality, camera angle, and action in his pencils.
    9. 3 ho-hum villains in 8 issues.
    10. Big controversy about Uncle Ben having a pony-tail.
    11. Gets powers from some kind of drugged-up spider.
    12. Spider-Man is all unsure of his powers and stuff.
    13. Has normal comic-book sound effects.
    14. Spider-Man gets beat up a lot.
    15. Harry Osborn - looks like renegade member of Backstreet Boys.


    Spidey Super Stories
    1. Can't get the Green Goblin to shut up and stop cackling no matter what we do.
    2. Has Mary Jane firmly placed in the 'ditz' category where she belongs, dammit.
    3. Later issues written by winners like Kolfax Mingo and Bobo Del'Air.
    4. Supporting Cast consists of Librarians, Pimps, B-Movie Directors, Monkeys, Bimbos, Hot Dog Vendors, and Kid-Tastic Musical Groups.
    5. Always planning for storylines involving super-villains who mind-control gorillas to wash their laundry or who feed people magical insect hot dogs.
    6. Colors determined by throwing darts at a color wheel.
    7. Printed on paper you'd be afraid to wipe your ass with.
    8. Winslow Mortimer draws some damn good-looking monkeys.
    9. 3 completely insane villains in EVERY issue.
    10. Neatly sidestepped whole 'pony-tail' issue by not creating Uncle Ben in the first place.
    11. Gets powers from good old radiation, just the way God intended it.
    12. Spider-Man can create Web-Hang-Gliders and Web-Teapots in less time than it takes you to tell him that's physically impossible.
    13. Has wildly inappropriate sound effects that represent sounds that have never actually been made on the surface of the Earth.
    14. Spider-Man gets beat up a lot, and then saved by idiots armed only with seltzer water and some delicious gelatin dessert.
    15. Harry Osborn - still has the classic Brillo Pad haircut.


    More discussions might be added later, depending on whether Jennifer of the Freaking jungle will make a second appearance first.

  2. #2
    New Member Arana Negra's Avatar
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    A year ago I bought some issues of Spidey Super Stories just because I like John Romita's covers.

  3. #3
    There is only one truth! Peter Parker's Avatar
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    lol Well here is the staff of issue #9, and I don't see any John or Romita or Jr. in here:
    Editor: A.J. Hays
    Writer: Jean Thomas
    Plot(Story 2): Tom Whedon
    Pencils: Winslow Mortimer
    Inkers: Mike Esposito, Tony Mortellaro

    You'll notice that this story was originally plotted by none other than Tom Whedon. Who, you ask? Well, over here in the states (the cradle of all TV civilization) we have this show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's sort of like Scooby-Doo set in an angst filled high-school, only with more killing and uncloseted lesbian romance. Anyway, the creator of Buffy is one Joss Whedon, who as some knowledgeable chap pointed out to me, is the son of our very own Tom Whedon, Spidey Super Scribe supreme. (Joss Whedon, BTW, is this very month following in his father's footsteps and writing a comic book for Marvel's, uh, not the Distinguished Competition, uh, Marvel's Deplorable Hairstylists? Marvel's Diminutive Horticulturists? I don't know... But I thought it was an appropriate time to have some fun. Maybe he'll write a retro issue of Spidey Super Stories someday...)

    I have no idea how twisted it would be to grow up the son of the guy who created The Wall, The Spoiler (Issue 1, Story 2), and Dr. Fright (Issue 5, Story 2). So I just made some stuff up. And without further ado, I present

    Joss (creator of Buffy) Whedon's Nightmare Childhood:

    Little Joss: Daddy, could you... could you tell me a bed time story?
    Tom: Well, sure son. What would you like to hear?
    Little Joss: Tell me one of your special stories, Daddy! One just for kids like me!
    Tom: Well, okay. Once upon a time there was a kid a little older than you, and he helped out construction workers after school by hauling cement.
    Little Joss: What were the construction workers wearing, Daddy?
    Tom: Uh, cardigans, with... uh, overalls, yeah. Anyway, so one day this kid, who's name is Joshua...
    Little Joss: That's like my name, Daddy!
    Tom: That's right. son. So one day Joshua is standing next to a wall, and it topples onto him and shatters his skull and crushes his body into something that looks like your Mother's Cherry Jello. Only lumpier.
    Little Joss: *looks terrified* Oh no! *sniff* *sniffle* Do you... want me dead too, Daddy?
    Tom: No! No, son. This is just my kind of bedtime story. Um, see... Joshua isn't dead, he's transformed into a magical pile of bricks.
    Little Joss: *drying eyes* Really?
    Tom: Yup. And as a pile of bricks, he sets out to make his mark on the world.
    Little Joss: But Daddy, that's silly, how can he walk if he's just a pile of bricks?
    Tom: Um... yeah... well... you see, his legs survived. He's a magical pile of bricks with legs. Yeah.
    Little Joss: But wouldn't he need arms, too?
    Tom: Uh, no, he doesn't. You see, whenever he needs to get something off a shelf, he just topples over onto somebody and squishes them to death, and then other people get things off the shelf for him and wipe off the body parts.
    Little Joss: Just like the dinosaurs did! You know, T-Rex had really tiny arms...
    Tom: Uh yes, just like the dinosaurs. Anyway, so he sets out to...
    Little Joss: But Daddy, how could he see with no eyeballs?
    Tom: Um... sure... somebody drew a chalk face on one of the bricks. So that's how he sees. With his chalk eyeballs. Yup.
    Little Joss: But Daddy, after he topples onto people and kills them, how does he get up again with no arms? And if he dies, will his arms be waiting for him in heaven? Or will he be in heaven as a big pile of bricks forever? And how does he pee? And how...
    Tom: Look, he just does, ok? OK? *little Joss shuts up, he pauses* Oh, nevermind, it's getting late anyway. But if you're good tomorrow, I'll tell you the story of Dr. Fright, who was so ugly as a kid that they made him wear a bag over his face and now he's so ugly he can give people heart attacks with his butt-ugly face. And also his face is so hideous he can melt ice by looking at it.
    Little Joss: *sniffle* Are you sure you don't hate kids, Daddy?
    Tom: Um... well... eh, pretty sure, anyway.
    Last edited by Peter Parker; 11-03-2006 at 01:28 AM.

  4. #4
    Super Amalgamated! Alan2099's Avatar
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    Comparison Between Ultimate Spider-Man and Spidey Super Stories
    Ultimate Spider-Man
    Based on that, it seems Spidey Super Stories is vastly superior.

  5. #5
    There is only one truth! Peter Parker's Avatar
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    Ha! You can't even get a dumbass seven year old to pick up SSS even if you give him two hundred bucks! That's, how bad SSS is.

  6. #6
    There is only one truth! Peter Parker's Avatar
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    Well, I'm bored, so I'm going to make a review about one of the stories, please spare my life Jesus.

    Spider-Man, to our eternal shame and regret, meets the Electric Company, who will become his supporting cast for the rest of the series. Here's issue #1, story #2.

    We start with the Electric Company kids, who are preparing to go on TV with their show when a cable sparks and breaks and bursts into flames three feet from the dumb kids. Oh yeah, I can tell the Electric Company was real big on children's safety. Sylvia, the producer, (also known as Queen-Afro) doesn't want to disappoint the kids, so she goes looking for someone to fix the cable. We then get the following scene. She spots Spidey, resting upside-down from a building like some freakish man-bat.
    Sylvia: Hey, I bet Spider-Man could help.
    Spidey: Huh?
    Caption: But Spidey, surprised, flees!
    Yeah, if a woman with an afro large enough to hold an entire kingdom of sea-monkeys asks for my help, I might flee, too. But Spider-Man should be able to do a little better than that, or he's going to have to leave town in terror whenever Captain Barracuda is in the neighborhood.
    Spidey shoots a webline and crawls to the roof.
    Sylvia: If he can climb this thing, so can I!

    Yeah, except for the part where he has Spider-Powers and you don't. And how he doesn't stick to his webline and you do. Regardless, she somehow climbs the webline. I know she's an empowered 70s woman and all, and while that may exempt her from some tedious housework, it does not exempt her from the laws of physics. Whatever, she gets up to the roof. She explains her problem to Spidey.
    Sylvia: Please help fix the cable... or our fans will be watching the test pattern!
    Spidey: Then let's scoot!

    (Yeah, let's boogie back to your foxhole, Sylvi-o. Diggin it? Man, I love this 70s dialouge.) Anyway, Spidey arrives back at the the studio and fixes the electrical cable by putting a big line of webbing in the gap and then holding it shut with his hands. How exactly that works, I don't know, because if his webbing is a conductor, Spidey probably would have been dead in Amazing Spider-Man 9, the first time he met Electro. (Gee, I think I'll shoot webbing at his eyes-OH MY GOD, my arm is charring off! AHH!!). Plus, I just don't think holding the sparking cable together with your hands is such a good idea either. Maybe that's just me.

    The Electric company then invites Spidey to join their cast.
    Spidey's response:*shrug*
    My response would be:Get the heck away from me, asylum escapees! Yeah, like I want to be associated with a bunch of mental pygmies like you.
    But Spidey agrees and an eight-year horror is born.

    In General
    I find it kind of disturbing that we are introduced to the supporting cast for the series, and we don't even learn their names. Yup, not even worth telling us. And why Sylvia doesn't look for an electrician instead of a man with Spider-powers is beyond me, like much of the logic in this book.

    Overall Rating
    Two stars. No lame villains, no regular Spidey villains, and the introduction of the least appealing supporting cast since Snapper Carr or the Wonder Twins. They're annoying as sin, but they DO have some of the dumbest lines ever in future stories, and provide mucho entertainment in that regard. So an extra star for that.

  7. #7
    Member elheffe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peter Parker
    Ha! You can't even get a dumbass seven year old to pick up SSS even if you give him two hundred bucks! That's, how bad SSS is.
    Actually, I was a dumbass seven year old who picked up Spidey Super Stories back in the day. These are what brought me into comics and reading as well.
    Sure they were dumb, one dimensional stories that weren't illustrated well but they weren't meant to be anything else than comics for young kids.

  8. #8
    There is only one truth! Peter Parker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by elheffe
    Actually, I was a dumbass seven year old who picked up Spidey Super Stories back in the day. These are what brought me into comics and reading as well.
    Sure they were dumb, one dimensional stories that weren't illustrated well but they weren't meant to be anything else than comics for young kids.
    Oh really? I'll prove you wrong by reviewing another issue, issue #1, story #4, mercifully the last story in Spidey Super Stories 1. Only 56 issues, 190 odd stories to go!:

    Our story opens with Duane, 'mild-mannered member of the Short Circus.' He's just minding his own business, on the way to the diner, when he's stopped by a gang of older kids. This is possibly the least-threatening 'gang' I have ever seen. For one, the leader Lamar has his name embrodiered on his windbreaker. I mean, sure if your name was Snake or Turbo or Bulldog, you could get it tastefully tatooed on your girlfriend, but NO self-repsecting gang leader puts his name in yellow block letters on his red windbreaker. Anyway, this 'gang' consists of Lamar and four skinny white guys who apparently 'own this turf'. And these are not like a Nicholas Cage or Christoper Walken bad mutha kind of skinny white guy. More like skinny white long-haired computer nerd types you find hanging out at science fiction conventions. And I'm not even going to comment on the fact that they're ALL wearing matching blue-striped bellbottoms.

    Duane meets up with the alleged gang of tuffs, and the following realistic street dialouge occurs:
    Lamar: Are you lost, little boy? You don't belong on this turf.
    Duane: Out of my way Lamar, I just want to go to Vi's Diner!
    Lamar: Some reason! I'd better teach you some manners! NO TRESSPASSING!

    Now comes the best part of this whole story. Lamar grabs Duane by his ankles, swings him around upside down, and then slams him head first into the asphalt, like a fat bearded sailor clubbing a baby seal. I've seen Steven Segal movies less violent than this. Duane's neck is all bent at a funny angle when he hits the street, too. BTW, the sound effect as Duane's head comes hurtling into the pavement like a 747 out of gas is, and I quote, "Mush!"

    Duane's knocked unconscious (he should be more like "knocked into lumpy pudding", but hey) and then we go into dream sequence mode, and Duane then dreams he's back in his room when Spider-Man swings by. (In Spidey Super Stories, you couldn't stick your hand out the window without Spider-Man swinging by and giving you a jivin' high five or something.) Duane, trying to let Spidey in, then trips over his music stand and bed covers. Getting out of his bed. Apparently the writer just wanted to make sure we were following the 'Duane is a moron' theme that had carefully been woven into the subtext of this compelling literature. Spidey then tells Duane he's going out of town, and he wants Duane "Mr. trip over my bed covers in broad daylight" to fill in as Spider-Man (Great Idea, Spidey!). Spider-Man gives Duane a wrapped package with a spare Spidey costume. (Duane's response: Out of sight! These are fine vines!) He then tries them on, and unlike OJ and the bloody glove, the Spider-Man mask somehow manages to cover his Afro.

    Spidey then swings off. Duane tries to measure up to the grave responsibility of protecting the innocent from criminals and using his power wisely by deciding, "I'm going to get even with Lamar!" Yes he's going to use his newfound powers to gain revenge. Good replacment choice there, dream sequence Spidey.

    Spidey/Duane then sees Lamar, and says, "He doesn't stand a chance now. I'll just swoop down and WHAM!" Very mature. But unfortunately a dream Electro attacks him from a roof and severs his webline. Duane jumps and hangs off the building ledge. He then grabs Electro's foot, which, like duh, gives him an electric shock. Electro shoots a bolt, which knocks him off the ledge and, "burns out my web-shooter." So Duane plummets to his death, only to be grabbed by dream Vulture. No, Vulture, you could not just let him fall and take revenge on his flattened corpse, huh, you just HAD to grab him. *sigh* Our loss for another 5 pages.

    Then there's this sequence with midget paratroopers stealing the Heisman Trophy. Oh wait, I guess that was my dream, not Duane's.

    No, actually dream Lamar the gang leader sees Spidey/Duane fighting the Vulture, so what does he do? Naturally he doesn't take cover or call the police, he decides to take a page from the 3 Stooges crimefighting manual. That's right, he and his gang grab some pies and start tossing them at the Vulture. And then he sprays some seltzer water on Electro. And somehow, uh, this actually works. The weight of pies drags the Vulture down or something, and he drops Duane/Spidey. Duane/Spidey is now somehow able to shoot webs again and hangs from the roof. (Nice continuity there, guys. C'mon, it's an 11 page story. How hard is it to rememeber his web-shooters burned out 9 panels ago? I guess that's the one little part of this dream that makes no sense...) And Electro is somehow shorted out by a light spray of seltzer water. So how exactly does he take a bath, then? Or what about rain? Or moderate humidity?

    Duane/Spidey's webline then snaps and he plummets to the ground, and we now return to the real world. Duane is somehow regaining consciousness, despite the fact that his head should be split open like an overripe melon. Maybe Duane's moderately-sized-but-still-nothing-to-scoff-at Afro has protected him.

    Now the part I love here is how all concerned and caring the gang suddenly becomes. Lamar, who has probably given Duane permanent brain damage at the very least, is shaking him desperately, and says,
    Lamar: Duane! Wake, Duane, please!
    *Duane lifts his mangled head*
    Lamar, menacing gang leader: He's alive!
    Lamar's gang of tuffs: Yay! Yippee! Yay!
    Duane: What?
    Lamar: You hit your head. We didn't mean to hurt you.

    Uh-huh. Didn't mean to hurt him. Yeah, sure, I do things like smash my friend's heads into concrete all the time. Here's a sample realistic Eric dialouge:
    Eric's friend: Yo.
    Eric: Yo.
    Eric's friend: Yo.
    Eric: Yo.
    *Eric grabs friend by ankles, twirls him above head, and shoves him face first through the bowling ball returner thing. Oh yeah, we're at the bowling alley, I guess*
    Eric: Sorry.
    Eric's friend: S'alright.

    Gee, I guess Spidey Super Stories is just like real-life. Because Duane, rather than going for the police or at least running home to his bed (tripping on the covers on the way there), decides he'll tell the gang who just beat the crap out of him and then apologized all about his magical happy adventures as Spidey. Which causes them to laugh in his face. They just wailed on him, and then gave him a ludicrious apology, and he starts rambling on about how he's Spider-Man. If I was a member of this gang, I would definitely take this opportunity to beat the crap out of him some more and steal his clothes.

    But no, its a kid's comic, so they apologize some more. And then it all ends on a happy shiny note.
    Lamar's gang of tuffs, still in matching bellbottoms: Duane, we're sorry.
    Lamar: We really mean that, man. You're a free man on our turf. Solid?
    *Look of absolute joy or possibly extreme rectal failure on Duane's face*
    Duane: Solid!!
    Isn't that sweet? Aww....

    In General
    Massive head trauma, and a kid leaping from rooftops with no powers or training or the cordination necessary to operate silverware. Yup.

    Thank God it's all a dream. Nothing this ludicrious could ever really happen to Spidey in Spidey Super Stories. And if you believe that, you haven't been paying attention.

    This story would also start a Spidey trend, which is villains saving Spider-Man at the last moment from certain doom! God knows why they keep doing it. Job security, I guess. Of course, here it was the dream Vulture. Who actually attacked the dream Spidey. But wait, it wasn't really dream Spidey at all, it was a dream Duane dressed as dream Spidey. But the real dream Spidey did appoint him as temporary dream Spidey, so... Jesus, I can't even follow it and I have a college degree.

    Overall Rating
    2 Stars

    Eh. Besides the head-slamming part, (WHAM! MUSH! WHAM! MUSH!) which has to be seen to believe it's in a children's comic, not a lot to recommend it. It's not even in not-in-continuity continuity. Except for the lame scenes with Lamar.

  9. #9
    Super Amalgamated! Alan2099's Avatar
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    I enjoyed them issues I read.

    They were just pure stupid fun. Now adays everything has to be serious and make sense. It's just not the same.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Cody H's Avatar
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    Yeah, sounds like they're stupid fun in the same way the 60s Spider-Man cartoon was. I'll still check it out if it's on re-runs, it's always good for a laugh or two.
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  11. #11
    New Member Arana Negra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peter Parker
    lol Well here is the staff of issue #9, and I don't see any John or Romita or Jr. in here:
    Editor: A.J. Hays
    Writer: Jean Thomas
    Plot(Story 2): Tom Whedon
    Pencils: Winslow Mortimer
    Inkers: Mike Esposito, Tony Mortellaro
    .
    Issue #9 cover is signed by Romita.

  12. #12
    New Member TassleTREX's Avatar
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    That's some funny shit man. I have a bunch of Spidey Super Stories issues I picked up cheap at a con, just cause, and they are pretty messed up. It's like, the mood and attitude is super cheery but when you look at what actually happens in some issues, it's like they were showing way more crazy shit than you've ever see in an issue of ASM, but since it was wholesome and campy it was OK. God bless the 70's I guess.

  13. #13
    There is only one truth! Peter Parker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arana Negra
    Issue #9 cover is signed by Romita.
    Dude, just because it was signed by John Romita, doesn't mean the cover was penciled by him. I got the staff list from an actual official Spider-Man comics site dude.

  14. #14
    Lenient Tyrant/Moderator Brian Cronin's Avatar
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    Yeah, Spidey Super Stories are certainly no worse than the "kid version" Spider-Man stories of the early 90s.

    Although the Marvel Adventures: Spider-Man comics have been a higher quality than either. A surprisingly high level of quality, to be frank.

    Now what was a REALLY good series was the Spider-Man Super SPECIALS. You got, like, THREE full stories in each one of them! And by classic Spider-Man writers like Dave Michelinie, Karl Kesel and Terry Kavanaugh!

    -Brian
    Comics Should Be Good, which features Comic Book Legends Revealed!... check them out!

    Also, be sure to check out my web site, Urban Legends Revealed!, for urban legends about Sports, TV, Movies, Music and more!

    And while we're at it, please buy my new book, Why Does Batman Carry Shark Repellent? And while you're at that, please buy my first book, Was Superman a Spy? and Other Comic Book Legends Revealed!

  15. #15
    There is only one truth! Peter Parker's Avatar
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    Okay, I'll show you one issue that's so bad, that not even Aunt May in her bra will be bad enough to top this, issue #10, story 2.

    Back in grade school, I had a friend who once watched Disney's The Little Mermaid six times in one day. He had Little Mermaid posters all over his room. He bought every Happy Meal like five times so he could get three complete sets of the McDonald's Little Mermaid toys. But as lame as that is, the villain in this story makes my friend look cooler than the Fonz. Keep that in mind.

    So in the first panel, April Fool, our villain du jour, runs up and shouts, "Hey! Look at me! I'm a retarded Leprechaun with male pattern baldness, and I make up for my lack of a sex life by playing childish pranks on people more stupid than me! Also, I'm 33 years old and my Mom has to dress me every morning! Please web me up right now, Spider-Man!"

    Well, ok, he doesn't say that, but I thought it'd be a good introduction to this lame-o. And it sure would make this story end a lot faster if he did that and Spidey obliged. Like a bad hangover, you don't care how it gets over with, just please God make my head not throb anymore to the sound of the road-repair crew in my apartment that only I can see. There's been mornings when I was about a half-margarita away from calling up Guillotine Rentals for their daily rate. That's how much I wanted it to be over with. That's how much I wish we could just skip right now to the end of this story.

    *sigh* So the story really opens with J. Arthur Crank, who is some kind of construction worker with some vague relationship to the Electric Company (probably a 'customer' of Easy's Escort Service, but that's just a guess) out taking a walk on the first day of April. All you need to know about him is that his hard hat has a higher IQ than he does. Also, he seems to have lost the instruction manual for his pants.

    So he sees a giant bag of money just lying on the sidewalk, labeled with that conveinient large "$" that all money bags are required to have, ever since Hollywood decided to buy the U.S. Congress. Hollywood wanted to make moneybags in crime movies "both easy to identify, yet still realistic and true-to-life" so they passed a law requiring banks to only have "$" bags for bank-robber conveinience. Hollywood also wanted cars to explode more often when you shoot them with bullets, so all gas tanks on new model cars are now made of tinfoil and hang from the side-view mirrors. Damn Hollywood.

    Now, this bag of money very clearly has a string tied to it that leads to a neighboring abandoned lot. Despite this, J. Arthur Crank starts running towards the bag and then leaps at it head-first from eight feet away. This is a money bag lying flat on the sidewalk. The April Fool, from his abandoned lot, gives a little tug on this bag filled with coins and dollars, and it comes shooting over towards him, in violation of everything I've ever learned about the concept of "momentum". Crank crashes elbow first into the pavement. April Fool laughs. It's all just so sad.

    April Fool screams "Tee Hee!" as J. Arthur Crank slams into the pavement, reaching for the money. If I was Crank, I would have started by walking over to the money instead of doing a flying tackle, then tracing the string on the money bag to the fence, strangling April Fool with his own bow-tie, collecting my money and going on my way. No muss, no fuss, and I'm sure even his Mom would send me a fruitcake out of gratitude for offing him. I bet even the most conservative, humanist courts would agree with me that killing this guy and using his body to fertilize a Kansas wheat field would really contribute more to the advancement of human society than he ever could alive.

    If only J. Arthur wasn't a complete dimple-wad and he could end this now like I would, no, he had to try for some kind of Olympic long jump record instead and we're stuck with this idiot for another four pages. (Editor's Note: No, I don't know what a 'dimple-wad' is either.)

    Mr. Caption: Yes, it's the April Fool, that joke-playing pest who appears once a year!
    Some days, I just wanna pimpslap Mr. Caption. I can't be the only one.

    So, in case you're wondering, April Fool is a four-foot guy wearing a green bowler hat with a maroon pinstriped jacket and matching socks, complemented with lavender slacks and what look to be repainted bowling shoes. But by far his most notable feature is his three foot wide green bow-tie. This guy is walking around wearing a bow-tie that is actually wider than his shoulders. It's like he took a pup tent and pinned it to his neck. This thing could house three Albanian families. His bow-tie could hold a civilization of lice that have advanced to nuclear technology without him knowing. He could be hiding a second head under there, who knows?

    So we return to J. Arthur, sitting on the pavement.
    J. Arthur Crank: *rubbing his shattered elbows*: Rats! I needed that money to buy a hot dog!

    So up comes April Fool, pushing a plot-conveinient hot dog cart, and gives J. Arthur a free hot dog. In J. Arthur Crank's defense, he didn't actually see April Fool when he fooled him before because he was too busy jumping face-first into the concrete. On the other hand, he accepts a free hot dog from a creepy midget in a bowler hat, so whatever happens next is his own damn fault.

    So J. Arthur Crank bites into this hot dog. Turns out, it's a rubber hot dog filled with seltzer water. And like many people who eat hot dogs on the planet Mongo-Prime, he always holds the far end of the hot dog directly in front in his left eyeball when eating. So he gets a spray of seltzer water in his eyeball from the end of the hot dog. (Mr. Sound Effect: SQUIRT!) So J. Arthur has just put a rubber hot dog in his mouth that squirted him in his eye (INSERT DIRTY JOKE HERE), and then he goes and asks the demented dwarf that sold it to him if he can please have a handkerchief. I can't decide if he's a complete moron or if maybe... eh... mmmm..., no he's just a complete moron.

    So to make a short story as short as humanly possible, the handkerchief that April Fool gives him is filled with sneezing powder, J. Arthur starts sneezing. April Fool doesn't even laugh. Even he realizes how pathetic this all is. So between sneezing fits, Arthur cries out, "I've been fooled again!" Gee, you think so, Sherlock? What was your first frickin' clue?

    So Spidey is swinging by and hears "Crank's cry for help." He swings over and sees Crank stomping violently on a handkerchief and a pinstriped Irish midget wandering around.
    Spidey: April Fool! Your days are numbered!

    Hey Spidey, thanks for the reminder about the inevitability of death and that everyone, young or middle-aged, Irish or Swedish, midget or not, has a limited time on Earth to make an impact or effect any kind of lasting change... God, now I'm depressed. I'm going to have to go call my therapist before I finish this review. Note for the ladies: When Eric says he's going to go 'call his therapist' what he really meant to say was 'go down to the gym and lift some weights'. Sorry for the confusion.

    So Spider-Man swings right above April Fool, then lands next to him, then Spidey runs away from him, and then Spidey tries running back towards him to capture him. Whatever. So April Fool grabs a small oil-can from somewhere, I'm assuming from under the bow-tie, and squirts some oil in front of Spidey, who slips and gets knocked onto his ass like a camel trying to ice skate. It's also a little strange that this handheld oil-can makes a giant puddle of oil thirty feet across. There are oil tankers still in service that don't carry this much oil all at once.

    April Fool: I'm going to give you the slip!
    Spidey: Oh, don't be fuel-ish!
    Then there are the times where I just want to pimpslap Spidey because of his puns. Very, very frequent are those times.
    J. Arthur Crank: Some hero you are, Spidey! You even got your fancy suit dirty!
    And you put a hot dog in your eye, it squirted you, and then you begged your halfling tormentor for a handkerchief. Not to mention you're wearing suspenders that were out of style back in the 1890s. So shut the hell up.

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