Write A Stand Up Comedy-Joke

[Don Blanco]

Doesn't matter if it's funny.

I'll start. Trying for the style of the late Mitch Hedberg:

I'm filling out a job application. They asked me what my major was in high school. I put down driver's ed.

[Joe Acro]

Hey, everybody! I don't deserve your applause, I really don't.

I have a fear of driving. Now you all are going, "What kind of freakshow have I walked into?"

Later:

Ever been on one of those streets that has a sign saying, "Speed enforced by aircraft?" I've always imagined what that's like. You break the speed limit and then, out of nowhere, this plane pulls down beside your car. There's a guy standing in the plane's doorframe going, "Pull over! Pull over! You are speeding!"

"WHAT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

The guy starts motioning the car to the side of the road while screaming the same line through a magephone. Eventually, they pull you over, after you've lost half your hearing.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

"Apparently, fast enough to race an aircraft, sir."

[.::OkieDokieArtichokie::.]

"It said you can have this product for four easy payments. I'd like something for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We won't tell you which one it is but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck!"

That was from a stand up act of one of my friends. I thought it was cute. ^_^

[Armless Penguin]

"It said you can have this product for four easy payments. I'd like something for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We won't tell you which one it is but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck!"

That was from a stand up act of one of my friends. I thought it was cute. ^_^

Unless your friend is Mitch Hedberg, he or she is a plagiarist.

[Ontir]

This is one I've been telling for years now:

"A lot of people try to compare George W. Bush to Adolph Hitler, and that's just not right.

Hitler was legally elected."

This one occurred when my Aunt and Uncle (who passed away a week ago yesterday) were visiting my parents more than a year ago now:

"The commercial came on, saying that if the erection lasts longer than 4 hours, medical attention should be sought. I said, 4 HOURS! WHO WANTS TO BE 13 AGAIN?!?"

[Don Blanco]

All you guys are doing some funny stuff!

I bought one of those disposable cameras! I really wish I'd taken some pictures.

[kingofsnake]

While I have this public forum I'd like to try to impart some of the wisdom I've learned over the years. For example:

Adult Literary Class and Adult Literacy Class: Not the same class.

Man, that was awkward.

They asked mey what I thought of the book so far I was like "I don'e even know, I was reading for like 6 hours and I don't think I made it halfway through the first sentence."

Of course we were reading Finnegans Wake so...


Yeah, no one ever gets that joke. Thank you public school system.

[Joe Acro]

Oh no, I get that joke entirely. And I'm not even sure many literate people are willing to read half of the first sentence of Finnegans Wake.

[Don Blanco]

You never see a skinny dude drinking a Diet Coke. It's always some fat dude. Diet Coke makes you fat. That's why I'm sticking with regular Coke. Don't wanna get fat.

[Don Blanco]

I got kicked out of a Hebrew Class at college. Mt. Whitebread Community College. I questioned the professor's choice in text books. The text was --and this isn't part of the joke -- Hebrew for Dummies. He got pissed when I asked him if that shouldn't be Hebrew for Schmucks?

I don't know what the hell Mel Gibson was teaching a Hebrew class for anyway.

[meethraa]

I had lunch with an ex-girlfriend today, and she ask me if I was seeing anybody right now.
I told her "no, I'm just seeing the soulless demon b*tch who took the best years of my youth and left me a hollow dry carcass of a man. Should I turn around or something?"

She didn't laugh.

People don't usually laugh at my jokes, so sometimes I just have to hit them very hard in the face.
Oh, wait, I hit them before I tell the joke.

That explains a lot, actually.

[Joe Acro]

People don't usually laugh at my jokes, so sometimes I just have to hit them very hard in the face.

As long as you find them funny, that's all that matters. I mean, I do wordplay jokes all the time that amuse me but very rarely appeal to anyone else. MAybe that's because many consider them corny...

(Back on-topic)
Has anybody here ever thought about the serving size labels on products? Take soda, for example. There are regular cans and then those odd squat cans. Both have a serving size of one. And then there's the candy packages. Can anyone really limit themselves to twelve chips? These companies are just trying to get us into arguments. I can only eat one Pop-Tart?!

Though, this system is better than the alternative. Imagine if people made their own serving sizes. Diet stuff would be smaller. Candy would start coming in larger and larger packs. Glasses and bowls might double in size. The next thing you know, someone ends up crushed to death in the supermarket.

[Don Blanco]

No joke here: all of you are good!

Meethra, that was what they call on the internet LOL!