I know approximately dick about baseball, but I don't see why that should stop me from commenting on the MLB play-offs, currently being ignored in sports bars and private residences across this fine nation. Here are my picks:
N.Y. Mets vs. L.A. Dodgers
As far I'm concerned, the L.A. Dodgers don't exist. I've read that there used to be a team called the Dodgers, which was based in Brooklyn from early in the 20th century until about 1957, when they mysteriously disappeared off the face of the Earth. This all happened about a decade and a half before I was born in a city I've never visited, so I only have the testimony of others to indicate that there ever was such a team. As such, the Mets should have no trouble at all with winning and should deliver an absolute rout. Don't get me wrong...I don't give half a jolly rat-fuck about the Mets...but at least they exist.
Prediction: Mets, by default
Minnesota Twins vs. Oakland A's
You know that scene in The Blues Brothers when they walk into a soul-food restaurant and Elwood orders nothing but plain, white toast? Well, he might as well have been ordering the Minnesota Twins. Seriously. Has there ever been a more bland and forgettable baseball team than the Twins? Quick! Name a famous player from the Twins! Can't do it? You know why? Neither do I, but it must be indicative of something.
All I know about the Oakland A's is that, for a brief period in 1989, they reigned supreme, thanks to the judicious use of anabolic steroids, which were shot into the veins of superstars Jose Conseco and Mark McGwire. Please don't take that as a put-down. I'm not one of those people who thinks that steroid-use has ruined baseball. For all I care, every goddamn one of them can use steroids -- it might liven up the game a bit. Hell, I wouldn't give a damn if they all shot cocaine into their dicks and fucked each other on the field during the 7th-inning stretch. It sure as hell couldn't damage the game worse than the designated-hitter rule has.
Prediction: Twins, but their victory will be immediately forgotten
St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Diego Padres
When I was a kid, the Cardinals were pretty much always my second-favorite time. I was pretty fickle about my favorite -- it would switch from the Reds to the Phillies to the Cubs, and back again. But, the Cards were always second. I once saw Ozzie "the Wizard" Smith make an absolutely awesome play, where he did this triple back-flip to catch the ball, tagged one runner on the patella on his way to third, threw out the other runner at second, and then, with the sheer force of his super mind-powers and the overwhelming manliness of his beard, caused the batter to have a heart-attack and fall dead just before reaching first. All without ever touching the ground. And you know what? If you were alive during the '80's and watching baseball, you probably saw it, too! Because Ozzie did shit like that in every single fucking game! The man won the Golden Glove 13 billion times, for christ's sake! Truth is, for all that awesomeness, if you saw one Cards' game, you'd seen them all. That's why they were perpetually number 2 in my heart.
In contrast, the San Diego Padres were once owned by Ray Kroc, who also owned the McDonald's Corporation. When he died, the players all wore black arm-bands for an entire season -- which was probably the most notable thing they ever did.
Prediction: Cardinals, because the Padres can blow me
N.Y. Yankees vs. Detroit Tigers
Rooting for the Yankees is like going to Baskin-Robbins and ordering vanilla. It's like watching a porno and fast-forwarding through all the scenes that don't feature "missionary." Hey, I'm not trying to pick a fight, here...I'm just stating the facts. People don't back the Yankees out of love or loyalty -- we're not talking about the Cubs or the Red Sox, for cryin' out loud. People back the Yankees because they don't want to be a fool. They want a winner; a sure thing. And, in baseball, the Yankees are about as close to a sure thing as you're ever gonna get. But, you know what? The sure thing is usually also the boring thing. Face it, the Yankees are a closed-mouth kiss on the second date. It's there if you want it, but wouldn't you like to try for something a little more interesting?
Rooting for the Tigers, on the other hand, is like rooting for the overweight palooka who only ever won a single fight, but was disqualified when it was discovered that he'd packed his gloves with Franklin half-dollars, which is how he broke that pretty motherfucker's jaw in five places.
Prediction: Yankees, but let's hope the Tigers channel some of that Ty Cobb scrappiness and at least give the Yanks a broken-beer-bottle to the neck for their troubles.