It started here when Sabrina went insane after the quotes overwhelmed her! Then continued here when our heroine was kidnapped by Ray Tate! Who knows what he has done to our intrepid girly? And now, our story continues ...
It's one month later, and Ray Tate is calling a press conference! In attendance are several Wizard employees, CBR reporter MacQuarrie, Lester Cartham and a blow-up doll of Adrian Paul, and a room full of press reporters and YABSies. Karen El and Jade are playing guitar off to the side of the room and have nothing to do with this story. Hiding in the back of the room are a number of lesbians. As everyone sits down, with the exception of Lester, who was kicked into a broom closet by sk, Ray Tate begins to speak...
RAY: Welcome, everyone! Let's not mince words, shall we? I've called this press conference to announce my newest protege, someone who will be assissting me in doing comic reviews! I give you Sabrina Fox! *polite applause in the room, except for some muffled shouts from the broom closet.*
SK: Look at her. There's just something wrong with Bree. See that blank look in her eyes? She looks completely clueless!
GILDA: Now, Shelly. She ALWAYS looks like that.
WHITEROSE: Aye, Sheila, this girls not quite fair dinkum, eh? Think we should plonk her, eh? DOO EET.
SIVIUSXXX: Manda, seeing as I come from Holland, I speak 34 languages, but I can't understand a word you're saying!
SK: (Ferret growling) Stop that, Sylvia. Remember, you're the new lesbot here. You're still on probation!
GILDA: (Using teacher voice) Quiet! Shhh! It's starting!
MACQUARRIE: Sabrina, the whole world wants to know what you think of Atom since you joined forces with Ray, uniting the Lesbian voice with that of Silver Bullet Comics. What do you think of her latest comic?
BREE: Well, I'm glad you asked, MacQuarrie. See, it's VERY clear that Gail has obviously dropped the ball on her Atom gig!"
SIVIUSXXX: (whispering) That's a lie! Even in my home country of Denmark, I know that Atom is Bree's favorite book!
GILDA: Shh! SHHH!!!
MACQUARRIE: Fascinating. Why do you say this?
BREE: Well, even a cursory reading of this book proves that Simone is dropping to her knees to service Infinite Crisis. For instance ... The comic stats off with Choi stuck in a ball inside a gigantic naked woman in a drive thru! So he turns on the lights in his suit. Course, I dunno how a naked woman would know that the lights went on in her mouth... although I have dated a few people whose tongues could...
SIVIUSXXX: She's been brainwashed! I've seen this in my native Norway!
WHITEROSE: Aye, girly has a brain? Krikey!
SK: (thinking to herself: Are Amanda's boobs bigger than mine...?)
MACQUARRIE: Moving on, what makes you think that Gail is servicing ...
BREE: Well, Gail is sort of like a stacked Santa Claus with mood swings. I mean, lookit what happens next. The naked redhead swallows Choi. And okay, I mean, sure women have been swallowing...
MACQUARRIE Moving along ... Choi tries to shrink firther to get out of Gigantas stomach, right?
BREE: Sure! And he can't, you know? Gail can't even keep her own continuity straight...
SIVIUSXXX: Did she just say "straight"? Ladies, she HAS been brainwashed by Tate! Look, I remember in my native Finland...
GILDA: Be quiet, young lady! Don't make me call your mother!
WHITEROSE: Ah! The parentals!
BREE: ... meanwhile, SOME GENERIC Q WORSHIPPERS are attacking Giganta! She fights them off by throwing up on them because the Atom makes her heave by pretending to be a pinball gizzard! And look what happens... he just runs off! Dr. Choi, lover of women? NOT!
Meanwhile, Campbell is wearing pants again, prolly cuz Byrne likes drawing people without them! But this new artist is even worse! Instead of walking around in his underwear, NOW Dr. Campbell has invented the double-headed dildo! Obviously, Gail is a secret perv of the worst sort!
WHITEROSE: Intrigue! On le blog, all Bree ever DOES is prattle on about vibrators, dildoes and such. The girly I know is much too sassy. I agree with the lesbot from Austria, Bree's had her head plonked by the Tate.
SIVIUSXXX: I'm from Latveria, you Sheila!
GILDA! You are one word away from a time out, girl! SHHH!!!
HARLEY: They're right. I say we attack.
HARLEY: (Realizing the gig spying on the lesbians from Planet Ferret was almost given away) Squeeee...? Sck sck?
BREE: ... and finally, Choi finds out that his father is going to take himhome AND that Ray is responsible for all the wierdness at Ivy Town! LIES!!! I'm telling you, if anything is screwed up there, it's Gails fault! All hers!!!
SK: I've heard enough. we're going to need a distraction, ladies. Luckily, I think we have one coming now ...
Right on cue, Lester Cartham jumps out of the broom closet wearing nothing but some blush on his behind and waving an Adrian Paul blow-up doll in his arm!
ADRIAN: WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP!!! I'M TRYING TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH PAUL HERE! ARE YOU GUYS JEALOUS? IS THAT IT? YOPU WANT SOME QUALITY TIME WITH MY LITTLE FRIEND???
At the sight of the blow-up doll, pandemonium ensues. MacQuarrie goes insane, puts on a purple mask, pulls out his bow and arrows, and starts firing into the crowd.
MACQUARRIE: DAMN YOU BENDIS!!!
Further panic continues. Gaz and BlairH try to maintain control by doing the Scot Drop on civilians, but DX runs in and punks them (again). Sonic hides under every woman wearing a skirt he can find. Kyuubi tries to waddle out of the room, but is knocked over by HelloKittyKat, who didn't see Kyuubi as the eyepatch has limited her depth perception. Cam63 is so startled, he almost drops his beer.
SK: Let's go, ladies! Now!
Running towards the stage, the lesbians grab Bree. Sk throws a ferret at Ray, who falls over screaming. While Gilda hits Ray with a shoe, WhiteRose and SiviusXXXxxx tie Bree up, WhiteRose using a Uni knot, and SiviusXXXxxx with an Englishman's Knot, which she learned from her native England.
RAY: No! You can't do this! I spent WEEKS assimilating her! Bring her back! Bring her...
...but Ray is soon unable to speak, as Harley has chewed through his vocal cords, and soon eats him whole.
SK: Come, lesbians! To the Ferretmobile!
The lesbians with Bree tied up, run to Sk's car and drive off into the night, determined to deprogram Bree. Will they succeed? Find out in the NEXT exiting review of ... The Atom!
Warning: Atom #5 might be delayed due to artistic holdups as a result of Civil War!