I know what I want I just don't know how to go about getting it. Music sweet music..

[fly on the wall]

Purple haze is all around, don't no if I'm going up and down.
Am I happy or in misery, all I know is that girl got a spell on me.


Perhaps you are familiar with the phrasing above. God knows I'm familiar.

Allow me to introduce myself to those who have never read my post, my name is the fly on the wall. I'm mentally ill. Frankly I am very mentally ill.

But I keep it together. I control myself so that the people around me would suspect that I was fucking out of my mind.

I'm not always out of my mind, it comes and goes. Trouble is that when it comes, it stays for a year and a half, or even two years. And it hurts like crazy. It hurts so bad. Like someone was peeling your mind, one layer at a time, to see what's at the core of your being.

It's a bummer man.

I've been real sick for a year and three months now. It won't go away. It has faded a bit, but the shit keeps coming back. I don't know what to do.

I stopped posting here because I was not up to my usual humorous banter. And yet here I am, I can't resist this place. I can't resist you guys. You read comics like I do. That makes you very special to me. We have something in common, man. A big thing in common.

Why do we so desire supernatural powers? Why can't we ever get enough of that there stuff? You know that we cannot. We want to fly baby. And other stuff too. What's with us? But a mind like ours is irresistable to me, because it's a mind like my own.

Being around people with shared interests and actions, it's irrestible to me. I can't stay away from you all. I don't think I ever will be able to stay away from you all. You're irrestible, do you understand? You are valuable to me. I need you.

God that sounds needy. What's wrong with being needy? How boring it would be if no one was needy. Everyone swaggering around, not needing anyone. What would these people do to replace human contact? My guess is that they'd watch TV.

********

Where was I?

The disease I have, let it be nameless. Especially since I'm still not sure what it is that's wrong with me. But my best guess is manic depression.

Winston Churchill had the same disease and when the worst of it descended upon him he called it "The Black Dog". If I were to use his nomenclature the Black Dog has been with me for a year and two months, which is exactly the period of time I have been off the boards. When you are really sick, it's hard to be a light-hearted board personality.

I'm getting better, hence I am writing again. But I had to get drunk to write this post, much and Churchill constantly did. Get drunk.

I'm not sure I'd call my 'depressions' a Black Dog, but I respect that Churchill called his illness "Black Dog" intead of depression. Whatever they are they are much more than just depression. God almighty I can't describe what happens to me. I've compared it to an LSD bad trip that lasts for a year and a half. That's the best I can say to what happens to me.

Getting drunk helped me, but it was still a very trippy sort of drunkeness. And my god damnded computer got wierd on me, suddenly left click became right click. Took me a long to realize this, but I did realize this.

Well, this seems to be about enough of this. I do have plans for other types of fun fun super fun posting, as I still has the power to do that. And then some.

[Dan Apodaca]

Welcome back.

I have a friend who seems to be dealing with a situation akin to what you describe. It's pretty hard to deal with, but surely harder for him. I think he'll like hearing about Churchill's nickname. Thanks.

I missed you.

[howyadoin]

Getting drunk helped me, but it was still a very trippy sort of drunkeness.Really wish I coulda been there for that. Not that I would've necessarily helped the situation any, but at the very least I could've shown you my new Hendrix tattoo.

[Smoogis]

That is the shortest post I've ever seen from you Fly.

*hugs* welcome back, confuse the hell out of me, ect.

[fly on the wall]

Welcome back.

I have a friend who seems to be dealing with a situation akin to what you describe. It's pretty hard to deal with, but surely harder for him. I think he'll like hearing about Churchill's nickname. Thanks.

I missed you.

And I missed you, more than might suspect.

It's just that when I get really sick, I don't trust what I might post. Also my home computer busted and my work computer is now situated all around boss units.

So I can't post there, dig?

But also because I've been nuts and am still nuts. Scary shit rattles around my head. I don't know what to say or do about it so I say nothing and do nothing. But it hurts.

[Davideaux]

Hey fly,

Remember when you once compared Bush to the Hulk. You said Hulk and Bush were both uniters not dividers, since Hulk loved to bash heads together. That was funny stuff. You said it better than I did of course but it was a classic line.

[Kid Omega]

Hey buddy-

I own my own comic shop now. I have two cats and whenever they are bad I think of you. I haven't beem ferociously depressed ina while, nowhere near like how it used to get, when we both posted with more frequency. I have regular panic attacks, though... owning a business is wrought with anxiety.

Hope you feel better soon. This too shall pass and whatnot...

-a

[DarkBlade]

It could be worse....


















I could drag you out on a dance floor again. *evil grin*


Seriously, very glad to see you posting again. You've been missed. Lots. By lots of people. *firm nod*

[Fenris]

FLY! Welcome back, buddy!

I'm sorry that your Black Dog hasn't really left you yet. (In our earlier years, Black Dog would have become one of your hundred temporary posting handles. Of course, that was before everything was registered.)

I'm kind of disturbed that you aren't sure what's wrong. Does bipolar disorder not cover your situation anymore?

We all missed you. Try to stick around and post some more!

õ
I still think of Jifka occaisionally!

[fly on the wall]

FLY! Welcome back, buddy!

I'm sorry that your Black Dog hasn't really left you yet. (In our earlier years, Black Dog would have become one of your hundred temporary posting handles. Of course, that was before everything was registered.)

I'm kind of disturbed that you aren't sure what's wrong. Does bipolar disorder not cover your situation anymore?

We all missed you. Try to stick around and post some more!

õ
I still think of Jifka occaisionally!

I suppose I'm bipolar, but this 14 months have been so wierd, so psychelic, so disturbing; it's gone beyond simple mood shifts. It's not that I'm either too happy or too sad. It's more than that.

I like Churchill's "Black Dog" because in it he admits that this is something outside of himself that settles and must be endured. The things I feel, the horrid urges, the agony and they distorted view of the world are outside of me. They aren't me, they are as if a Black Dog has settled into my brain and is trying to call the shots.

Getting drunk helped. As it helped my father and Winston Churchill. Still it's nothing I plan to do every day. I've been at this for 14 months; that's what makes me different is the length of the attacks. Also I don't really get manic, or perhaps that's not true. My behavior on the boards often resembles mania in an entertaining way.

At least I hope it's entertaining.

[fly on the wall]

It could be worse....


















I could drag you out on a dance floor again. *evil grin*


Seriously, very glad to see you posting again. You've been missed. Lots. By lots of people. *firm nod*

When I had to go out there and dance I just skittered about as best I could. Jasper did the same.

[Nate C.]

You are always missed, Fly.

Post often and prosper.

[fly on the wall]

Hey buddy-

I own my own comic shop now. I have two cats and whenever they are bad I think of you. I haven't beem ferociously depressed ina while, nowhere near like how it used to get, when we both posted with more frequency. I have regular panic attacks, though... owning a business is wrought with anxiety.

Hope you feel better soon. This too shall pass and whatnot...

-a

Panic attacks have been a big part of this latest episode. Last February was one big panic attack except when I was asleep. I'm okay when I'm asleep.

But it's more than panic attacks. It's foul urges. It's being around people and they act swell to me and I have these flashes of punching them in the nose. Of course I don't act on these impulses except for to wimper and wonder what's to become of me. How long will I be able to resist the impulses. It's miserable.

And I'm having mild hallucinations however my sister said she got the same hallucinations when she took the same anti-depressants as me.

More and more I think all the pills I'm taking are doing me no good. I'm more miserable than ever and I'm taking more pills than ever. I'm tempted to stop taking the pills. Silver Star or whatever her name is now, said Lithium wasn't doing anything for me anymore. I think she's right but afraid to stop.

But I'm more miserable than I ever was without the pills. Why am I taking the pills?

I hate to say the pills don't work, I wish they did work, but I'm so miserable. I've lost most of my friends; I'm afraid to be around them.

And my misery didn't start with stress or tension or lousy work life or monetary distress. I was on the top of the fucking world when I fell to these depths. I had not a care in the world.

Or was I just manic. I don't know.

[Alex]

Boards got boring without you Fly.
I said that last time you did a post, and was then sad when you didn't come back, so i hope this time you are able to stick around.

[fly on the wall]

Hey fly,

Remember when you once compared Bush to the Hulk. You said Hulk and Bush were both uniters not dividers, since Hulk loved to bash heads together. That was funny stuff. You said it better than I did of course but it was a classic line.


Thanks for reminding me of what I'm capable when I'm carefree and footloose, funny jokes about Bush and Hulk.

This is what I aim for is the resurection of goofiness and invulnerability to all unpleasantness.

Of course that does kinda sound like mania, but what the hell.

[fly on the wall]

Boards got boring without you Fly.
I said that last time you did a post, and was then sad when you didn't come back, so i hope this time you are able to stick around.

This new board does kind of intimidate me, it's so monolithic.

And my old long-winded form is not well tolerated any more.

But I do have a few great tales of fly that I've been working on. A trilogy of terror.

[fly on the wall]

Welcome back.

I have a friend who seems to be dealing with a situation akin to what you describe. It's pretty hard to deal with, but surely harder for him. I think he'll like hearing about Churchill's nickname. Thanks.

I missed you.

What is his cycle? How long are his depressions?

Does he have manic periods followed by deep depressions?

Enquiring minds want to know.

[fly on the wall]

Really wish I coulda been there for that. Not that I would've necessarily helped the situation any, but at the very least I could've shown you my new Hendrix tattoo.

A cool Hendrix tattoo? We should just call you Your Royal Coolness and be done with it.

As for my trippy drunkness---Colors were enhanced and depth perception was kind of altered. Nothing too much but it was another unsolicitated psychedelic moment. I get a lot of them.

[fly on the wall]

That is the shortest post I've ever seen from you Fly.

*hugs* welcome back, confuse the hell out of me, ect.

I guess I'm not always an easy read. But I swear if you read it over a few times, it becomes easy to understand.

[bert]

W/B Fly.

I was actually looking forward to meeting you and Kurt in San Diego, and was very dissapointed y'all couldn't make it.

hope you stick around a bit.

[DarkBlade]

Fly, it really seems like you should reevaluate your meds with your doctor.


When I had to go out there and dance I just skittered about as best I could. Jasper did the same.

I was just pleased you indulged me. ^_^

[Brian Cronin]

Welcome back!

-Brian

[Brad Curran]

Welcome back, fly. I look forward to doing another collaborative story with you. Maybe we can even finish one!

[Solaris]

Welcome back, oh Goblin Queen! :D It's good to see you again. I dunno if you caught the various things I said about you in the wedding thread, but it was damned awesome getting to finally meet you, and it sucked that I was busier than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs and couldn't just sit and TALK. :( But we WILL meet again---CBRians meeting is addictive, you know. Hee.

*tacklehugs!* (to borrow one of Rin's phrases)

I'm not on CBR very much right now---Troy's traveling like mad wrapping up the quarter and fiscal year, I'm chasing dog and cat and 4 yr. old PIA, and trying to Christmas shop and clean and decorate and mail stuff to Rin she left behind (yes dear it goes out tomorrow)... argh. And all that is on top of us helping out our neighbor after her home got broken into, trashed, car stolen, etc., by some gang members or PIA jerks of teens, possibly both. The dumb kids have come back to the house twice w/in 2 weeks, so we're trying to help watch along w/other stuff like helping to board up windows etc. Sigh.

Anywho, it's great to have you back! Don't go getting lost on us again, okay? If nothing else, post from time to time just so we'll know you're still around. *hugs*

[Perry Holley]

Fly, it really seems like you should reevaluate your meds with your doctor.What Rin said.

Hope things take an upswing, and soon.

[Joe Rice]

fly, it's not the same without you. Talk to your doctor, make sure he neither has extensive facial scarring or a goatee.

[Winslow]

Sorry to hear you're suffering.

I'm dealing with some mid-life blues regarding work, and my mind turns to mush every once in awhile. I never thought to describe it as painful - but I think you're right - it is. It's like being paralyzed. You want the mind to work, but it doesn't respond the way you want it to.

[Jayna]

Great to see you around again fly. I have to agree with DB & Perry. As much as you hate it, you should go see a Dr. & get your meds checked. My oldest daughter is diagnosed as bi-polar and has to have her meds changed on a regular basis because the stop working for her. It may be the same for you.

[Paradox]

Hello [fill in name of newbie],

Welcome to CBR.

I am not really a creepy pedophile, I only play one at CBR.

Beware of fly on the wall. He is crazy bad man. Much juju.

Welcome.

© Form Letters 'R' Us

Oh, wait...you aren't NEW!

Welcome home again, fly. As you can see you are sorely missed, but YOUR health is far more our concern than you entertaining us. Really, get to the doc, willya? Do whatever you can to get well (or as well as you get).

Good to see you getting some lucid moments to visit us, though, old chum.

[Puma]

welcome home Fly, the place isn't the same when you're gone.

[Smoogis]

I guess I'm not always an easy read. But I swear if you read it over a few times, it becomes easy to understand.

Oh I know *big hugs*

Feel better Flyman.

[Solaris]

fly, it's not the same without you. Talk to your doctor, make sure he neither has extensive facial scarring or a goatee.

Or a goat. Beware of analysts with goats. Especially if they keep the goat in the closet.

:D

[Solaris]

Hello [fill in name of newbie],

Welcome to CBR.

I am not really a creepy pedophile, I only play one at CBR.

Beware of fly on the wall. He is crazy bad man. Much juju.

Welcome.

© Form Letters 'R' Us

Oh, wait...you aren't NEW!

Welcome home again, fly. As you can see you are sorely missed, but YOUR health is far more our concern than you entertaining us. Really, get to the doc, willya? Do whatever you can to get well (or as well as you get).

Good to see you getting some lucid moments to visit us, though, old chum.

Absolutely. Check your meds, get another doc if you need... whatever you've gotta do to get something that helps you. *hugs!*

[Spackling Compound]

Fly...hang in there, ol' man.

And Churchill's Black Dog was one hell of a song...

http://www.ledzeppelin.ru/pa/im/JP-lespaul-15.jpg

See your honey drip, can't keep away.ay.ay....

[venuscameback]

w/b Fly

entertaining as you can be, I hope you know and can accept that you don't have be in "entertainer" mode to post here.

I hope we can read your posts when you're both feeling "entertaining" and feeling down.

Good luck with making progress soon

venus

[Sir Tim Drake]

Hi fly, nice to see you again. I missed you.

Sorry to hear that you're having such difficulty. I hope that you take Rin's advice and find a medication that works better.

[Ed Cunard]

It's good to have you back, Fly, and I hope you feel better soon.

No one else scares the new guys quite as much as you do.

...

I think I'm still scared of you. But what am I so in love with? I'm in love with transposing David Cassady lyrics, evidently.

...

So you don't have to go looking for it, here's the post where Howy showed his Hendrix tattoo (http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showpost.php?p=2169266&postcount=102).

[howyadoin]

A cool Hendrix tattoo?Here's the design:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v225/howyadoin/Tattoos/little_wing_04.jpg

And here's the actual tattoo:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v225/howyadoin/Tattoos/DSCF0266.jpg

Figured you'd appreciate it, being a fellow fan of the song.