Evil Christmas Songs

[StoneGold]

Come on, cough up that playlist of stuff that you play to drown out the carollers.

You know, stuff along the lines of the Kinks' Father Christmas, EZ-E's Merry Muthafuckin Christmas, Mr. Garrison's Merry Fucking Christmas, etc.

[DDM]

Siouxsie & the Banshees, "Red Over White"

the woods and the town
covered in snow
all transformed to a fairytale
like the fresh page of a book opened up
ready
waiting
for the story to begin
for you're all in a scene
objects in black ink
fringed in white
breathing and living
and anticipating
a colour
all transformed to a fairytale
unreal and inviting
inviting you to step in
and follow the path neverending

you're now leaving
imprints
and somehow expecting
expecting someone

maybe the prince in disguise
suffering a snow queen curse
but you're wrong of course
it's in reverse

out in the snow
muffled
the last silent night
the last sacrifice
red running over white
red running over white
red
running over white
red
running over white
running red
over white
running red
over white

red over white
red over white
red
over white

(Thorn version adds:)

running red over white
running red over white
all (oh?) red over white
running red
over white
running red
over white
red over white
red over white
all (oh?) red
over white

all (oh?) red
over white

Lyric: Siouxsie
Music: Siouxsie & the Banshees

[DDM]

Siouxsie & the Banshees, "Israel"

Little orphans in the snow
With nowhere to call a home
Start their singing
Waiting through the summertime
To thaw your hearts in wintertime
That's why they're singing...
Waiting for a sign to turn blood into wine
The sweet taste in your mouth--turned bitter in its glass
Israel...in Israel
Israel...in Israel
Shattered fragments of the past
Meet in veins on the stained glass
Like the lifeline in your palm
Red and green reflects the scene
Of a long forgotten dream
There were princes and there were kings
Now hidden in disguise--cheap wrappings of lies
Keep your heart alive with a song from inside
Even though we're all alone
We are never on our own when we're singing
There's a man who's looking in
And he smiles a toothless grin
Because he's singing...
See some people shine with glee
But their song is jealousy
Their hate is clanging--maddening
In Israel...will they sing Happy Noel?
Israel...in Israel
Israel...in Israel
In Israel will they sing Happy Noel?

[ghostrider666]

"Fuck Christmas" by Fear.

[LoneWolf21]

The Night Santa went Crazy by Weird Al Yankovic

[Adam Crocker]

Well besides giving a hearty shout-out to the Kinks' funny (and socially perceptive) "Father Christmas," I have plenty evil Christmas music on these CDs a friend sent me. This includes the supreme exercise in bad taste, "Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year." Though I find "Twisted Chipmunk Christmas Song/Chipmunks Roasting Over an Open Fire" to be far funnier. I'll try and find the lyrics tomorrow as it's late and the google search isn't turning up results as immediately as I'd like.

[Dennis K]

There's at least a couple of South Park related Christmas songs that are both funny and to some, offensive.

[CaptMagellan]

"Christmas at Ground Zero" by Weird Al

[DubipR]

There's Santa Claus is Smoking Reefer by the Squirrel Nut Zippers. Not offensive per se, just bouncy and lively with Santa toking a good one.

[Lubichev]

the entire Kenny G X-mas album is entirely evil.

But I always like Christmas With the Devil by Spinal Tap.

[Catman_3]

Christmas With The Devil (http://209.245.59.176/Gimme/3094911/41159705/45404550/5FE58A44-6297-41D7-BA8A-4BCE68127BB1/0.431398/3/Spinal_Tap_-_Christmas_With_the_Devil.mp3)


Christmas With The Devil - Spinal Tap

The elves are dressed in leather
And the angels are in chains
(Christmas with the Devil)

The sugar plums are rancid
And the stockings are in flames
(Christmas with the Devil)

There's a demon in my belly
And a gremlin in my brain
There's someone up the chimney hole
And Satan is his name

The rats ate all the presents
And the reindeer ran away
(Christmas with the Devil)

There'll be no Father Christmas
'Cause it's Evils holiday
(Christmas with the Devil)

No bells in Hell
No snow below-
Silent Night, Violent Night

So come all ye unfaithful
Don't be left out in the cold
You don't need no invitation, no...
Your ticket is your soul

[Pinball]

On 11, of course.

I don't have King Diamond's "No Presents for Christmas", but i do have something by an obscure band called Dear Mr. President - "Who Killed Santa Claus?"

[GozertheGozarian]

Within Temptation's Gothic Christmas.

[DDM]

"Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's
Not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean a phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

[Shellhead]

Who did that twisted cover song "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus"? If you listen to the lyrics, it turns out Mommy was dressed up as Santa Claus, but it's still a playfully warped song.

[SoulOnIce]

Did anyone read Steven Grant's column last week? He made a list of his favourite Christmas and a lot of them sound "evil."

Here are some of them:

Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues with Kirsty MacColl
6 Bullets For Christmas - Angry Johnny & The Killbillies
The Christmas Blues - Dean Martin
12 Days Of Christmas - The Cast Of Twin Peaks
Christmas With Satan - James White & The Blacks
Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - Fallout Boy
Rudolph The Manic Reindeer - Los Lobos
Santa Can't Stay - Dwight Yoakam
Run Rudolph Run - Dave Edmunds
Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope - Sonic Youth
Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis - Neko Case
I Won't Be Home For Christmas - Blink 182

[Lubichev]

The new Regis album is absolutely horrid. Letterman said it best. It was something like: "Regis has a Christmas album. It is like the Bird Flu. You know it is out there but you pray you don't get it."

The Pogues' Fairytale of NY is one of the best Christmas songs ever recorded. There is nothing like hearing 20 Irish rugby players sing this tune after downing a case of Red Bull and 2 bottles of Vodka on a two hour train ride from Belfast to Dublin. Christmas time, indeed!

[Pinball]

I cannot let this topic die without reminding y'all of the ORIGINAL Evil Christmas Song:


I broke my bat on Johnny's head
Somebody snitched on me
I hid a frog in sister's bed
Somebody snitched on me
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug
I made Tommy eat a bug
Bought some gum with a penny slug
Somebody snitched on me

Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

I put a tack on teacher's chair
Somebody snitched on me
I tied a knot in Susie's hair
Somebody snitched on me
I did a dance on Mommy's plants
Climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled the sugar bowl with ants
Somebody snitched on me

Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhcmonalready
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

I won't be seeing Santa Claus
Somebody snitched on me
He won't come visit me because
Somebody snitched on me
Next year I'll be going straight
Next year I'll be good, just wait
I'd start now, but it's too late...
...
...wait a minute...i hear something...
IT'S HIM! IT'S HIMMM!

Hey, kid. So where's the silverware at?

Dining dresser, top drawer. Hey, you wanna do the last chorus with me?

Sure, why not?

Oooohhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

I BEEN A BAAAAAD BOY!

[Reptisaurus!]

"Santa Claus, Come Straight to the Ghetto"

Covered by James Brown and, IIRC, Snoop Dogg. Though I dunno who did the original.

[G. Wayne]

"Christmas Sucks" - Tom Waits & Peter Murphy

[Kirayoshi]

From A Very Special Christmas 3.

Oi to the World
No Doubt

Haji was a punk just like any other boy and
He never had no trouble till he started up his oi band
Safe in the garage or singing in the tub
Till Haji went too far and he plugged in at the pub

’twas a cold Christmas eve when trevor and the skins
Popped in for a pint and to nick a back of crisps
Trevor liked the music but not the unity
He unwound Haji’s turban and he knocked him to his knees

If God came down on christmas day
I know exactly what he’d say
He’d say oi to the punks and oi to the skins-
But oi to the world and everybody wins!

Haji was a bloody mess, he ran out through the crowd
He said we’ll meet again we are bloody but not unbowed
Trevor called his bluff and told him where to meet
Christmas day on the roof down at 20 oxford street

If God came down on christmas day
I know exactly what he’d say
He’d say oi to the punks and oi to the skins
But oi to the world and everybody wins!

On the roof with the nun chucks Trevor broke a lot of bones
But Haji had a sword like that guy in indiana jones

Police sirens wailing, a bloody dying man
Haji was alone and abandoned by his band
Trevor was there fading and still so full of hate
When the skins left him there and went down the fire escape
Oi! oi!

But then Haji saw the north star shining more then ever
So he made a tourniquet from his turban saving Trevor
They repelled down the roof with the rest of the turban
And went back to the pub where they bought each other bourbon

If God came down on christmas day
I know exactly what he’d say
He’d say oi to the punks and oi to the skins-
But oi to the world and everybody wins!

If God came down on christmas day
I know exactly what he’d say
He’d say oi to the punks and oi to the skins-
But oi to the world and everybody wins!
Oi! oi!

[Pinball]

Just thought of another one: The Twelve Pains of Christmas

[Adam Crocker]

The Pogues' Fairytale of NY is one of the best Christmas songs ever recorded.

Indeed, though I am confused by Soul on Ice listing it here. It's earthier and more misanthropic than most Christmas songs, but it's hardly evil and actually pretty sweet and touching despite the ambiguity.

Now, "A Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis" by Tom Waits. That's evil.

[Patient Boy]

From A Very Special Christmas 3.

Oi to the World
No Doubt


Originally by the Vandals. Might also belong in the best Song Cover/Remakes thread.

[Kirayoshi]

And of course, how can we forget the true granddaddy of them all...

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch,
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel
Mr. Grinch--
You're a bad banana with a--
GREASY BLACK PEEL!

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch,
Your heart is an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul
Mr. Grinch--
I wouldn't touch you with a--
THIRTY-NINE-AND-A-HALF FOOT POLE!

You're a foul one, Mr Grinch,
You've got termites in your smile.
You've got all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile,
Mr. Grinch--
Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take--
THE SEASICK CROCODILE!

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch,
With a nauseous super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey and you drive a crooked hoss,
Mr. Grinch--
You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich
WITH ARSENIC SAUCE!

You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch,
You're the king of sinful sots.
You're heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch--
Your soul is an apalling dumpheap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up
IN TANGLED-UP KNOTS!

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch,
You're a nasty-wasty skunk.
You're heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk,
Mr. Grinch--
The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote:
STINK!
STANK!
STUNK!"

Considering that both Sixpence None the Richer and the Brian Setzer Orchestra have recorded versions of that song, I think this officially qualifies as a Christmas standard. Go figure.

[Neil]

"Don't Believe In Christmas" by The Sonics.

I suppose their "Santa Claus" could be counted in some way, too, but I wouldn't do so.

[Dr. Banner]

The Dan Band.

"I Wanna Rock you Hard This Christmas".

[Tridge]

"Fuck Christmas" by Fear.

ye yes yes yes yes yes!

And while I don't like this band at all, they still have a pretty evil xmas song:

CKY - "Santa's Coming"

You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout I'm telling you why

Cause I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you! Fuck!

He's making a list, he's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's a fucker...

And nobody's getting fuck! You hear me?
Nobody's getting any toys! FUCK!
Nobody's getting fuck!

He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake
He doesn't know a god damn thing 'cause the whole fucking thing is fake

"Santa, is there anything I can do?"
"Is there anything you can do? You can GET BACK TO WORK!"

You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout I'm telling you why

Cause I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you! Fuck!

He's making a list, he's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's a fucker...

And nobody's getting fuck! You hear me?
Nobody's getting any more toys! FUCK!
I want some fuckin sleep

He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake
Your stocking's filled with coal because you're a spoiled brat-ass dick

You better make sure you learn how to spell
Cause if you don't you're burning in hell

Santa Claus is coming, I said Santa Claus is coming,
I said Santa Claus is coming, I said Santa Claus is coming,
Santa Claus is coming to town
Shit

[Super Hero Guy]

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.


In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.


In the office there's a guy named Melvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"


Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!


Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

[zilch]

12 Days of Christmas by Allan Sherman
12 Days of Christmas by Bob n Doug McKenzie
You Ain't Gettin' Diddly Squat by Heywood Banks (a national treasure!)