How do you decide if someone's going to be just a friend... or more?

[west3man]

It's probably not in my best interests to refer to WHEN HARRY MET SALLY in the first post, but...

(mild spoiler)
There's a scene in which Harry's trying to set a couple of his friends up. He's telling his male friend about the female and describes her as funny, intelligent, etc. The friend then asks, why Harry's not going out with her, if she's so great. Harry's response is that they're just friends... which doesn't quite add up to his buddy. "Why would one be friends with someone if there's the potential for something more?" is what I imagine he was thinking. I know, I know... Some people don't want to ruin the friendship. But at some point, the decision was made that friendship was all this would be... Considering how much some people say that people should be friends, first, I wonder how you're supposed to cross that barrier if you're building something you don't want to risk.


If I add all the layers to this that I'd like to, this post will be waaay too long, so I'll just stop here and ask, "When you're single, what makes one great person (in all the ways that matter to you) just a friend, while another equally great person becomes something more?"

[traxler]

It's usually either hormones or money.

[cactusmaac]

It depends on their response to the question, "Do you like comics and anal sex?"

[Boldido]

It depends on their response to the question, "Do you like comics and anal sex?"
"Giving or receiving?

[HomerJay]

"When you're single, what makes one great person (in all the ways that matter to you) just a friend, while another equally great person becomes something more?"

Such is the difference between spitting & swallowing.

(sorry, I was channeling StoneGold for a moment there)

But seriously, the only obstacles between friend vs. lover in the manner that you mentioned is:
1) How attractive one finds the other.
2) The willingness (or lack there of) of one or both of the parties to cross the friendship boundry.

That's it.

[Wesley Dodds]

What's the difference? Your heart starts beating faster around this person.

[i_mmmchocolate]

Physical attraction.

[west3man]

Physical attraction.

Does this mean that none of you would have friends you're physically attracted to?

[BlairH]

Physical attraction.

There are many factors at work. One of which may be physical attraction. There are many others, such as similarity. We are more predisposed towards those who are similar to us, as this helps reinforce our own ideas and viewpoints.

[i_mmmchocolate]

Does this mean that none of you would have friends you're physically attracted to?

Good question. For the most part, no. Sure, I may think one or two of my friends is good-looking, but that doesn't mean they're 'my type'.

[StoneGold]

It depends on their response to the question, "Do you like comics and anal sex?"
Damn, it's like you tried to think of how I would answer such a question, and then posted it. Really, I don't think I can do much better. The anal sex is really a capper that can't be topped without looking like I was trying to top anal sex.

[cactusmaac]

Heh. Stole that line from Alex.

[west3man]

Good question. For the most part, no. That's interesting as hell. So, once you're friendLY with the person, how would you avoid forging a friendSHIP with the person?

Sure, I may think one or two of my friends is good-looking, but that doesn't mean they're 'my type'. I was just talking with someone about this, recently. The distinction between people I think are attractIVE and those I'm attractED TO is very real, but one I don't think is apparent to many people.

[west3man]

Heh. Stole that line from Alex.
CacTUSSSS!

What have I told you about tattling?!

[i_mmmchocolate]

That's interesting as hell. So, once you're friendLY with the person, how would you avoid forging a friendSHIP with the person?

Define 'friendly'.

[Michael P]

Define 'friendly'.
Playing footsie in class?

[i_mmmchocolate]

Playing footsie in class?

Shut yo mouf, ho!

Actually, it's funny you mention that because today is class.

[ocelotrevs]

I don't decide, they usually do
Or if there are reasons outside of my control
Or I think that the person is to far away
Or the person isn't right
Or if I get to close to the person, and pass the point of no return (interestingly, I'm at this point with a close friend of mine)

[K'Nort]

You frequently don't get to decide. It just happens.

[phoenixrising]

Does this mean that none of you would have friends you're physically attracted to?

The only time I make friends with someone I'm physically attracted to is when I'm dating someone else......and even then they are essentially the Plan B. Like Chris Rock said, the "dick in a glass case - in case of emergency, break glass."

And it always seems to work out OK. My current boyfriend was a longtime friend and roommate who I was always attracted to.....

[Avalanche]

I think it's all about attraction... not just physical, but that does play a role. A personality can make some attractive for instance.

[west3man]

Define 'friendly'.
I didn't mean the freaky definition of 'friendly,' if that's what you thought. :)


I just meant that once you're almost friends, how do you go about undo-ing that... especially since it's not due to anything the person's done, just the way he or she looks?

[K'Nort]

I think it's all about attraction... not just physical, but that does play a role. A personality can make some attractive for instance.

Exactly.

I've ended up falling hard for friends after an extended period of time (like a couple years even). And part of that is all of a sudden one day they're really attractive and I never thought that before.

On the other hand, I've certainly ended up being friends with guys I thought were very handsome. Co-workers, for example, where you are going to be interacting with them no matter what. Or even classmates, friends of friends, etc. I operate under the assumption that I don't have a shot with the hot ones anyway (so I've been proven wrong lately), so it's just not a factor. If they're fun to hang out with, I'll hang out with them.

[NormanB]

I've found that one catalyst that often pushes platonic friends over the line and into the world of relationship is alcohol.

I'm not making any claims about this being a good thing, but I've seen it happen time and time again.

Heck, I've been there. I'm sure some of you have too.

[HomerJay]

The distinction between people I think are attractIVE and those I'm attractED TO is very real, but one I don't think is apparent to many people.

Very good point.
A current co-worker of mine is very attractive, but I'm not attracted TO her simply because we've worked together closely for 5 years and I see her as more of a sister than anything.

Attractive: Would certainly enjoy having no-strings-attached sex with (perhaps under different circumstances).
Attracted TO: Anytime, anywhere!

[K'Nort]

I've found that one catalyst that often pushes platonic friends over the line and into the world of relationship is alcohol.

I'm not making any claims about this being a good thing, but I've seen it happen time and time again.

Heck, I've been there. I'm sure some of you have too.

Well if you get drunk and sleep with a platonic friend, that's one thing. That can create all kinds of awkwardness.

If you get drunk and sleep with a platonic friend and henceforth it's a relationship, that tends to mean that the parties involved were already thinking relationship and just hadn't gotten up the nerve to initiate the transition. So then you can call it a good thing.

[west3man]

Very good point.
A current co-worker of mine is very attractive, but I'm not attracted TO her simply because we've worked together closely for 5 years and I see her as more of a sister than anything.

Attractive: Would certainly enjoy having no-strings-attached sex with (perhaps under different circumstances).
Attracted TO: Anytime, anywhere!
I feel you.

I'd add...

Attractive: Jennifer Lopez. HOWEVER, I wouldn't be interested in getting with her even if she WERE thinkin' about my big-headed ass. There are plenty of models and celebrities I have to admit are attractive, but who just don't do it for me... in that way.


Halle Berry started off as someone I thought was incredibly attractive (see: The Last Boy Scout). Then she just looked like some generic Hollywood female that someone painted brown (perhaps due more to my perceptions than an actual change in her physical form... perhaps not). I'd have passed on that, at that time.

THEN she seemed to... I dunno... develop, for lack of a better term. Turns out she actually has a booty (or grew one). Maybe she, like Demi Moore, went through a skin-n-bones stage, but outgrew it. In both cases, I found the women much more attractive later... although Demi still wouldn't have a chance.

[Michael P]

Answering the thread question: I send them through the Seven Trials of Okona.

[HomerJay]

Halle Berry started off as someone I thought was incredibly attractive (see: The Last Boy Scout). Then she just looked like some generic Hollywood female that someone painted brown (perhaps due more to my perceptions than an actual change in her physical form... perhaps not). I'd have passed on that, at that time.

I feel the same about Jennifer Connelly.
Back in the late 80s/early 90's (watch CAREER OPPORTUNITIES) I found her almost PAINFULLY hot. One of my few celebrity crushes that maybe went beyond a simple crush.
Then in the late 90s (sometime after MULLHOLLAND DRIVE) she got sucked into the Hollywood thinner-is-better cult and lost the amazingly perfect curvy body she had. I know she's still attractive "on paper", but she just doesn't do it for me anymore; I certainly wouldn't "kick her out of bed", but she doesn't make my heart race.
And that I think is the difference between ATTRACTIVE and ATTRACTED TO.

[TinMan]

Ok, maybe I'm different from most people but this is usually how it goes for me;

1) Physical attraction- simply put, theres no way that I would ever get into a relationship with a woman that I have no physical attraction to. I'm not about to be grossed out or disgusted everytime I touch or look at the woman. I'm sure a lot of people can agree here, and I'm not saying I'm extremely picky either, its just they have to rev my engine for me to be interested in an actual relationship with them.

2) Personality- this is the key though, someone can always work on their appearance, but you CANNOT change a fucked up personality. So before I really go anywhere I tend to get to know the girl first and see if our personalities will mesh, if they don't it doesn't matter how good they look, I won't want to get with them. I've had a couple hot g/f's that had really messed up personalities and it just isn't worth it, my current g/f on the other hand is definitely cute but she's not what you would consider a "super model", but her personality is absolutely unbelievable, so she drives me wild.

3) Friendship- for me, friendship is friendship. If you've hit the friendship category, you will never leave that category lol. Dunno why, but thats the way I am, if I were interested at one time but nothing happened to the point where I lost interest, I will never regain it, plain and simple. Also women that have a personality that doesn't mesh with mine will be moved into the friend category simply because of lack of compatability, I won't hate them or not hang out with them, but it will never be anything more.

So in essence I view women that I am physically attracted to as "possible relationship material", but a bad personality can blow that easily, in which case they become friends and friends will always be friends and nothing more.

[K'Nort]

So in essence I view women that I am physically attracted to as "possible relationship material", but a bad personality can blow that easily, in which case they become friends and friends will always be friends and nothing more.

Why be friends with somebody with a bad personality?

[west3man]

Why be friends with somebody with a bad personality?
Same as your answer, I think. It just kinda happens.

People doing nice things for you, being around (though not necessarily by choice, at first) often, etc. kinda makes a relationship form, sometimes, whether we want it to or not.

[PatrickG]

The only time I make friends with someone I'm physically attracted to is when I'm dating someone else......and even then they are essentially the Plan B. Like Chris Rock said, the "dick in a glass case - in case of emergency, break glass."

And it always seems to work out OK. My current boyfriend was a longtime friend and roommate who I was always attracted to.....

Damn that's cold.

Looking out for Channel One, I guess.

[hulahulk]

It's probably not in my best interests to refer to WHEN HARRY MET SALLY in the first post, but...

(mild spoiler)
There's a scene in which Harry's trying to set a couple of his friends up. He's telling his male friend about the female and describes her as funny, intelligent, etc. The friend then asks, why Harry's not going out with her, if she's so great. Harry's response is that they're just friends... which doesn't quite add up to his buddy. "Why would one be friends with someone if there's the potential for something more?" is what I imagine he was thinking. I know, I know... Some people don't want to ruin the friendship. But at some point, the decision was made that friendship was all this would be... Considering how much some people say that people should be friends, first, I wonder how you're supposed to cross that barrier if you're building something you don't want to risk.


If I add all the layers to this that I'd like to, this post will be waaay too long, so I'll just stop here and ask, "When you're single, what makes one great person (in all the ways that matter to you) just a friend, while another equally great person becomes something more?"

*The names in the following passage have been changed to protect their identities*

I went out for drinks with two girls last night, Tessie and Alisha. All three of us are good friends. I'm attracted to Alisha physically and spiritually and emotionally. I've been crazy about her for months. BTW, she broke up with her live-in boyfriend last week. Tessie I find more attractive intellectually, and she has her shit together more than the other.

Now, I am good friends with the both of them. I enjoy their company immensely, and vice versa, and we all have begun talking about relationships and what we are all looking for. None of us are very sure of what we want for ourselves, yet we seem to be able to pinpoint the type of person that would be good for each other. Kinda funny how that works.

Although I'd be into either one, right now I just enjoy their companionship because they are my closest friends who are not married with kids. We have each other in common. It's a good thing. As a single guy, though, I do ask myself often what things would be like if something were to develop between me and either Tessie or Alisha.

[TinMan]

Why be friends with somebody with a bad personality?

Well, as opinionated and abrasive as I can be, I'm actually a very understanding and easy going person. I can get along with pretty well anyone as long as they aren't an asshole, and I'm also willing to be their friend. But a fucked up personality will just repulse me in a relationship sense.

[tricksterpup]

hmm.. I have had my share of very close female friends that could have been border line relationships but the only thing that held me back with me trying to go any further was their stability. I seem to attack the gorgeous, intellegent but looney girls.

[mask]

Of course the physical attraction happens first, but will there be mental attraction? Count yourself lucky if you around that someone when the mental attraction happens, even if the physical attraction does not happen. Sometimes that is more poweful. No matter what you found yourself a friend then.

[Fabian]

Well I always start it off as friends first unless I meet them in a place where people are expected to get together (like a lounge bar). First thing I see is how attractive I am to them but if it's someplace else that I meet them like school or work and I have a chance to talk to them, their personality can make me like them. That's actually the case I had recently with a girl from work I was going out with and the more I went out with her the more I enjoyed her company and boom, I began liking her.

Of course she only sees me as friend but she did say I was extremely hot.

[cable guy]

I think it just happens.

Usually after talking for hours on the phone or hanging out, you just give each other signals or say certain things that set things in motion.

[Pól Rua]

How do you decide if someone's going to be just a friend... or more?

Tits.
Mainly tits.

[hulahulk]

Tits.
Mainly tits.


The shortest and best answer so far.

[Shellhead]

The only time I make friends with someone I'm physically attracted to is when I'm dating someone else......and even then they are essentially the Plan B. Like Chris Rock said, the "dick in a glass case - in case of emergency, break glass."

And it always seems to work out OK. My current boyfriend was a longtime friend and roommate who I was always attracted to.....

You could use one of those license branch ticket dispensers, and keep multiple friends queued up.

[Shellhead]

Tits.
Mainly tits.

Or to paraphrase Seinfeld's definition of when it's sex... the first appearance of the nipple.

[west3man]

The only time I make friends with someone I'm physically attracted to is when I'm dating someone else......and even then they are essentially the Plan B. Like Chris Rock said, the "dick in a glass case - in case of emergency, break glass." That's pretty funny.

And it always seems to work out OK. My current boyfriend was a longtime friend and roommate who I was always attracted to..... Do you think that's deceptive... second-cousin to cheating?


I'm not judging, btw, as I've been there, m'self... except it's pum-pum and Tupperware.

[Joe Rice]

When I was single I had plenty of female friends I found attractive. Some of us would fool around. Sometimes we'd date, sometimes we wouldn't. It was kind of fluid that way. Sometimes I'd get so close to a girl that even if I were really attracted to her, I knew this was a "keeper friend" and I wouldn't put myself in situations where we'd fool around without a lot of self-reminders.

Though many of my closest female friends started as girls I really had the hots for or vice versa. Sometimes you just realize that the friendship potential is a lot greater than the sex potential.

Now that I'm engaged, it's easy. If I meet you, you're a friend, no matter how hot you are.

[phoenixrising]

Damn that's cold.

Looking out for Channel One, I guess.

Eh, it isn't intentional. It just always seemed to happen that way.

[phoenixrising]

Do you think that's deceptive... second-cousin to cheating?


Nah. I never did anything with him when I was in a relationship and didn't even consider it. It was more a matter of admiration. Then, mere days after breaking up with my longtime BF and him breaking up with his longtime GF, it was back with a vengeance - and I took advantage.

[howyadoin]

When you're single, what makes one great person (in all the ways that matter to you) just a friend, while another equally great person becomes something more?Tits really help.

EDIT: Pól beat me to it.

Pussy helps, too.

[Ta2grrl]

I have two males friends who are interested in having a relationship with me and one I consdier my best friend male or female...he knows just about everything I'm willing to tell about myself to someone else and has been a big part of my life for about 7 years now...

That being said...i met him through his best friend and altho he was attracted to me he never made a move until well after his friend and I split up...several years he waited as I recall...

But he weighed quite a bit and altho I could talk to him for hours I was never physically attracted to him. We hang out all the time now and he has lost a huge amount of weight due to the recent discovery that he is diabetic but i feel as tho it wouldn't be worth the risk as he is now my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him if things went wrong...

My other friend is overweight as well and altho he is the sweetest guy known to man and would kill for me and I for him...it will just never happen as I am not attracted...even tho several women much cuter then me have dated and are dating him...perhaps I'm missing something great...;)

Perhaps you can know too much about someone too????

Cheers,

Erin

[Dan Apodaca]

I have two males friends who are interested in having a relationship with me and one I consdier my best friend male or female...he knows just about everything I'm willing to tell about myself to someone else and has been a big part of my life for about 7 years now...

That being said...i met him through his best friend and altho he was attracted to me he never made a move until well after his friend and I split up...several years he waited as I recall...

But he weighed quite a bit and altho I could talk to him for hours I was never physically attracted to him. We hang out all the time now and he has lost a huge amount of weight due to the recent discovery that he is diabetic but i feel as tho it wouldn't be worth the risk as he is now my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him if things went wrong...

You'll probably lose him if you don't go out with him.

This is speaking from the voice of experience. See, what happens is that we continue to have feelings for you, and it gets harder and harder to be your friend because of those feelings. So, then the friendship gets lost and nobody's happy.

Or maybe that's just me.

[Fabian]

You'll probably lose him if you don't go out with him.

This is speaking from the voice of experience. See, what happens is that we continue to have feelings for you, and it gets harder and harder to be your friend because of those feelings. So, then the friendship gets lost and nobody's happy.

Or maybe that's just me.
Nope, it happens to me too. You're sitting there just talking and having a good time but in the back of your mind you're thinking how much you want to hold and kiss her.

Then we'd just need some time off

[Ta2grrl]

You'll probably lose him if you don't go out with him.

This is speaking from the voice of experience. See, what happens is that we continue to have feelings for you, and it gets harder and harder to be your friend because of those feelings. So, then the friendship gets lost and nobody's happy.

Or maybe that's just me.

Well actually my best friend understands that we are not meant to be...or maybe just not at this time. He supports the guys I see...well at least the nice guys...and is brutally honest when a guy I'm seeing sucks and he never comes across as wanting me to leave someone for him...he's never suggested such a thing...well at least not recently ;)

I guess because we've had the discussion several times over the years we have reached an understanding...I luv him to death and he me...but now is not the time I guess...and he respects that that is my decision :o

Cheers,

Erin

[Ta2grrl]

He (my best friend) even goes out of his way to speak to my partners and befriend them so they know he is not interested in stealing me away...that he is also happy/supportive of them as well...

If I ever were to date my best friend, he wants me to come to him of my own free will...not cus he forced it down my throat or because he interfered in my relationships...if anything he has backed away when I have gotten close with some folks that he hoped I would get long term with...he worries cus he knows I tell my partners how he feels and how I feel about him. Luckily my current partner respects me and my friends relationship and as I am honest, my partner has nothing to fear :)

Cheers,


XXX

[west3man]

He (my best friend) even goes out of his way to speak to my partners and befriend them so they know he is not interested in stealing me away...that he is also happy/supportive of them as well...

If I ever were to date my best friend, he wants me to come to him of my own free will...not cus he forced it down my throat or because he interfered in my relationships...if anything he has backed away when I have gotten close with some folks that he hoped I would get long term with...he worries cus he knows I tell my partners how he feels and how I feel about him. Luckily my current partner respects me and my friends relationship and as I am honest, my partner has nothing to fear :)

Cheers,


XXXThis sounds really healthy... or your buddy's deserves an Academy Award - y'know, glass cases n all that.

[west3man]

Tits really help.

EDIT: Pól beat me to it.

Pussy helps, too.
Heh.

I figured it was mostly women* who (reportedly) have friends they find really attractive, but with whom they're are highly unlikely to consider gettin' it on.

Obviously, there are plenty of people, male or female, who are willing to cross that barrier.




* - Again, I'm only talking about "single" people.

[HomerJay]

Tits really help.

Ok, confession time:
My wife and I met through mutual friends and would often hang out from time to time (with said friends) during the fall and winter after we met. I thought she was cute and had a GREAT personality so we became friends very quickly for that reason (our personalities).
Summer finally rolled around and I ran into her after a concert. Until then, I had only seen her in baggy clothing like sweaters & sweatshirts. This time she was wearing very short shorts and a tight top, and I saw for the first time that she had muscular and lean legs like a runner and pretty much ANY top would be tight on her. ;) Our relationship changed a bit after that.

"Just when I thought you couldn't be any more shallow, you manage to drain a little bit more from the pool." - Elaine Benes

[west3man]

Ok, confession time:
My wife and I met through mutual friends and would often hang out from time to time (with said friends) during the fall and winter after we met. I thought she was cute and had a GREAT personality so we became friends very quickly for that reason (our personalities).
Summer finally rolled around and I ran into her after a concert. Until then, I had only seen her in baggy clothing like sweaters & sweatshirts. This time she was wearing very short shorts and a tight top, and I saw for the first time that she had muscular and lean legs like a runner and pretty much ANY top would be tight on her. ;) Our relationship changed a bit after that.

"Just when I thought you couldn't be any more shallow, you manage to drain a little bit more from the pool." - Elaine Benes
Hehehe.

Similar things have happened to me. Once, with a future (and future-ex) girlfriend, I was just responding to someone who'd been friendly and polite to me. We talked on the phone a bit. It was cool. Then one day, I was pulling up to the engineering building and she was already walking from the parking lot ... wearing biker shorts. LAWD.

Like you said, things changed after that.

I always was kinda proud of the fact that I didn't KNOW she had that body until AFTER I became interested in her personality.

[HomerJay]

I always was kinda proud of the fact that I didn't KNOW she had that body until AFTER I became interested in her personality.

I hear that.
Like I said, I already liked her before I saw what was under the baggy clothes. But seeing the ridiculous body she had was a bit like seeing something you were already considering buying going on sale for 75% off. Your decision is made for you and you pounce on it.

[K'Nort]

You'll probably lose him if you don't go out with him.

This is speaking from the voice of experience. See, what happens is that we continue to have feelings for you, and it gets harder and harder to be your friend because of those feelings. So, then the friendship gets lost and nobody's happy.

Not always. I've been in situations where a friend was interested in more and I wasn't. And then a couple years later I started thinking maybe it would be worth a shot after all and by then he wasn't interested anymore. And we stayed friends. It's something you can laugh about, really.

[Ghost]

Well, I start off with physical attraction, which may or may not be the same thing as sexual attraction. Then I get to know said person. Depending on what kind of person she is, I decide if I have a romantic interest in her. (Which his surprisingly seldom, actually. I've only fallen in love once thus far.)

It's not really a question of physical attraction, or even compitability. I have a close female friend whom I find attractive. She shares many of my interests and we have great conversations, but I just don't have any romantic feelings for her.

(Granted, she's taken, but I kinda wonder if I'd consider her as a girlfriend even if she wasn't.)

Generally, when I find myself thinking about a girl simply because doing so makes me happy, I'm probably interested in more then friendship.