Tages
08-25-2005, 06:32 PM
Some of you might have noticed, though perhaps not cared, that lately my behavior has been...inconsistent. I'm belligerent (well, moreso than normal) but drop out of debates early now. I get defensive over unimportant stuff and ignore material more deserving of attention. In short, I'm not acting like myself.
It occurred to me just now that I do not believe that, in two years of posting at CBR, I have ever had a proper "vent" thread. Probably because I grew up with a father who complained about each and every insignificant detail of his life that was less than perfect and always made everything about him, and I reacted against that. Well, I hope everyone can forgive me this one lapse into self-indulgent, barely coherent melodrama, because I can't take this anymore.
These are things that have happened to me recently, in chronological order:
-Kristen dumped me. Yeah, big thing there, you'd imagine I would have mentioned this by now, but honestly it took a while for the reality to sink in. The woman I'd grown to say I loved, who was absolutely perfect for me in every possible way, who is so far the only woman who has ever cared about me back instead of fleeing or taking advantage of me, broke up with me the Tuesday before last in the Hilton (it's a big casino that's getting turned into an indoor waterpark, Bouncing Boy knows what I'm talking about) parking lot. As it was raining. And a teary, melodramatic song I hate (Green Day's "When September Ends," and I like Green Day, just not sappy Green Day) was playing on the radio. I guess that's our song now.
For those who have yet to hit the back-button on their browser out of disinterest or whatever other reasons, you may be wondering why she dumped me. Well, the main reason she gave me was that she could tell I was looking for something more long-term and committed than she was, and she couldn't give that to me, and she was afraid that one day I'd wake up and realize that I'd wasted my life with her, and blah blah blah. Of course, what I heard was more along the lines of "Your feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure are completely justified, because I don't like you, and like all other romantic interests in your life exist for the sole purpose of making you hate yourself." My universal translator, so to speak.
The other reason, supposedly, was my religious beliefs. I'm Christian. She's agnostic. It never bothered me but apparently it bothered her, because "You have something there for you I'll never have there for me." This in spite of that I never, once ever made religion an issue in our relationship and accepted her for who she was. Har har har, joke's on me for being tolerant!
Some of my friends have been real swell in helping me to deal with the tsunami of depression that rolled over me soon after this. My parents and sister, of course, being themselves, said such conscience-soothing and therapeutic things as "Yeah, it sounds like a line" and "She just probably wants to see other guys, hell, there might be another guy right now," before of course moving on to subjects of more interest to themselves (read: themselves) and calling me lazy for not getting over it on their schedule. Thanks, Mom, Dad, Sis. Always knew how to cheer me up.
-Which leads of course to the next item. My family. Ah, I love my family, and during my more pessimistic moods (like now) I think it's because no one else can. Dad's as self-absorbed as ever, Mom's so much of a control freak I can actually feel her digging her fingernails into my soul, and my sister is as always the consummate drama queen, turning everything of more significance than a hangnail into grand tragedy, and hey, she just lost her job, which was her own fault, because she just "Didn't feel like going" anymore, so hey everybody, look at and feel sorry for her!
All of whom, of course, are quite interested in my life and wonder why I don't live it like they want me to. Well, uh, I'll get back to you on that.
-Disease! On and off throughout the month of August, I've been sick, first with the flu, which opened me up to a tonsilitis infection, which subsided, only to return. My throat's swelling up, it feels dizzy to walk, it feels like it's 130 degrees in here, and earlier when I sat down in a chair I passed out for almost half an hour. I tell you, nothing cheers me up more than knowing that ravenous swarms of microorganisms are running amok my body like a barbarian army, feasting upon my cells and organs at will. It's almost enough to dig me out of my insomnia.
-Insomnia. Until last night, with the help of Ambien, I split about six hours of sleep over a span of four days. This is fairly-self-explanatory.
-Car accident. No, I didn't fall asleep at the wheel. I was driving down the highway to a doctor's appointment when a huge chunk of metal that happened to be lying in the road was kicked up by the car in front of me, which then went hurtling to my windshield. If it weren't for a searchlight near the driver's side front window left over from when it was a security car it probably would have went through the windshield, in which case I would have gone to the hospital or...somewhere else.
I don't know if my insurance covers this, yet. Until I replace the windshield I can't see out the front and it's illegal for me to drive my car. I also potentially have a new job starting soon and if I can't drive, then well, I won't. Thank you, physics.
-The movie. Today's the last day of shooting, and because of my car and my being sick, I can't be there to witness it, and I had to help rewrite some scenes to switch them from taking place in a hospital to home care. You can't guess how happy this makes me. Does it help that we're over schedule and over budget, too? The answer is...no.
So, there it is, my catharsis spilled for all to see. My girlfriend dumped me, my family's driving me crazier than normal, I'm sick, I can't sleep, I almost got killed, and I'm missing out on the coup de gras of the only worthwhile thing I've accomplished so far in life.
I'm sorry for making the day of whoever's read this whole thing just slightly worse. I'm sorry to anyone I've made angry or upset lately because of my inability to deal with my problems. I'm sorry for anyone who feels sorry for me. I'm sorry to anyone who takes the time to reply. I'm sorry for anyone who may be going through worse things for taking deserved attention away from them, because I know there are people out there dealing with things that make this entire rant look like "Family Circus." And most of all, I'm sorry that I, Jason Williams of Reno, Nevada, self-loathing, self-obsessed, utterly alone, entirely unlikeable git, just can't think of a way out of this mess I've dug myself into.
Thank you, everyone. I'll be here if I'm needed.
Sincerely,
Koba
It occurred to me just now that I do not believe that, in two years of posting at CBR, I have ever had a proper "vent" thread. Probably because I grew up with a father who complained about each and every insignificant detail of his life that was less than perfect and always made everything about him, and I reacted against that. Well, I hope everyone can forgive me this one lapse into self-indulgent, barely coherent melodrama, because I can't take this anymore.
These are things that have happened to me recently, in chronological order:
-Kristen dumped me. Yeah, big thing there, you'd imagine I would have mentioned this by now, but honestly it took a while for the reality to sink in. The woman I'd grown to say I loved, who was absolutely perfect for me in every possible way, who is so far the only woman who has ever cared about me back instead of fleeing or taking advantage of me, broke up with me the Tuesday before last in the Hilton (it's a big casino that's getting turned into an indoor waterpark, Bouncing Boy knows what I'm talking about) parking lot. As it was raining. And a teary, melodramatic song I hate (Green Day's "When September Ends," and I like Green Day, just not sappy Green Day) was playing on the radio. I guess that's our song now.
For those who have yet to hit the back-button on their browser out of disinterest or whatever other reasons, you may be wondering why she dumped me. Well, the main reason she gave me was that she could tell I was looking for something more long-term and committed than she was, and she couldn't give that to me, and she was afraid that one day I'd wake up and realize that I'd wasted my life with her, and blah blah blah. Of course, what I heard was more along the lines of "Your feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure are completely justified, because I don't like you, and like all other romantic interests in your life exist for the sole purpose of making you hate yourself." My universal translator, so to speak.
The other reason, supposedly, was my religious beliefs. I'm Christian. She's agnostic. It never bothered me but apparently it bothered her, because "You have something there for you I'll never have there for me." This in spite of that I never, once ever made religion an issue in our relationship and accepted her for who she was. Har har har, joke's on me for being tolerant!
Some of my friends have been real swell in helping me to deal with the tsunami of depression that rolled over me soon after this. My parents and sister, of course, being themselves, said such conscience-soothing and therapeutic things as "Yeah, it sounds like a line" and "She just probably wants to see other guys, hell, there might be another guy right now," before of course moving on to subjects of more interest to themselves (read: themselves) and calling me lazy for not getting over it on their schedule. Thanks, Mom, Dad, Sis. Always knew how to cheer me up.
-Which leads of course to the next item. My family. Ah, I love my family, and during my more pessimistic moods (like now) I think it's because no one else can. Dad's as self-absorbed as ever, Mom's so much of a control freak I can actually feel her digging her fingernails into my soul, and my sister is as always the consummate drama queen, turning everything of more significance than a hangnail into grand tragedy, and hey, she just lost her job, which was her own fault, because she just "Didn't feel like going" anymore, so hey everybody, look at and feel sorry for her!
All of whom, of course, are quite interested in my life and wonder why I don't live it like they want me to. Well, uh, I'll get back to you on that.
-Disease! On and off throughout the month of August, I've been sick, first with the flu, which opened me up to a tonsilitis infection, which subsided, only to return. My throat's swelling up, it feels dizzy to walk, it feels like it's 130 degrees in here, and earlier when I sat down in a chair I passed out for almost half an hour. I tell you, nothing cheers me up more than knowing that ravenous swarms of microorganisms are running amok my body like a barbarian army, feasting upon my cells and organs at will. It's almost enough to dig me out of my insomnia.
-Insomnia. Until last night, with the help of Ambien, I split about six hours of sleep over a span of four days. This is fairly-self-explanatory.
-Car accident. No, I didn't fall asleep at the wheel. I was driving down the highway to a doctor's appointment when a huge chunk of metal that happened to be lying in the road was kicked up by the car in front of me, which then went hurtling to my windshield. If it weren't for a searchlight near the driver's side front window left over from when it was a security car it probably would have went through the windshield, in which case I would have gone to the hospital or...somewhere else.
I don't know if my insurance covers this, yet. Until I replace the windshield I can't see out the front and it's illegal for me to drive my car. I also potentially have a new job starting soon and if I can't drive, then well, I won't. Thank you, physics.
-The movie. Today's the last day of shooting, and because of my car and my being sick, I can't be there to witness it, and I had to help rewrite some scenes to switch them from taking place in a hospital to home care. You can't guess how happy this makes me. Does it help that we're over schedule and over budget, too? The answer is...no.
So, there it is, my catharsis spilled for all to see. My girlfriend dumped me, my family's driving me crazier than normal, I'm sick, I can't sleep, I almost got killed, and I'm missing out on the coup de gras of the only worthwhile thing I've accomplished so far in life.
I'm sorry for making the day of whoever's read this whole thing just slightly worse. I'm sorry to anyone I've made angry or upset lately because of my inability to deal with my problems. I'm sorry for anyone who feels sorry for me. I'm sorry to anyone who takes the time to reply. I'm sorry for anyone who may be going through worse things for taking deserved attention away from them, because I know there are people out there dealing with things that make this entire rant look like "Family Circus." And most of all, I'm sorry that I, Jason Williams of Reno, Nevada, self-loathing, self-obsessed, utterly alone, entirely unlikeable git, just can't think of a way out of this mess I've dug myself into.
Thank you, everyone. I'll be here if I'm needed.
Sincerely,
Koba