Tages
08-05-2005, 10:15 PM
Hey, everyone, I actually found the original scripts to some of Hollywood's hottest new releases, and I thought I should share them with everyone.
First, The Dukes of Hazzard
Bo: "Let's ride!"
Luke: "Yeehaw!"
Daisy: "Duuuuh..." (translation: I have nothing interesting to say or do)
Luke: "Just like the rest of us, sis. Hey, why isn't Boss Hogg fat anymore?"
Hogg: "Does it matter? This movie is cynically using a classic TV series dear to the hearts of millions to soullessly cash in on the brand name while retaining nothing of the original's uniqueness or charm, and giving the audience only a vague facsimile of the show's plotline to use as a threadbare clothesline for car chases that make no sense and jokes so lame they barely register."
Bo: "You mean like jokes about how Daisy is hot, which aren't even funny if you don't find her plastic looks, tan-in-a-can that looks like a bag of oranges threw up, and vacant, lifeless thousand-yard stare attractive? Yeah, that's all she does, actually."
Daisy: *drools* (trans: and now, for an astonishingly tasteless and painfully unfunny blackface scene!)
Bo: "I can't act!"
Luke: "I'm actually occasionally funny, which is why I belong in funnier movies. Not like you can tell though, since my brother and I are written with personalities that are virtually identical."
*stuff blows up for some reason*
Bo and Luke: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!"
THE END
The Island
Lincoln: "I'm charming and naive."
Jordan: "Well I'm charming, naive, and I look better in white."
Lincoln: "Damn. Hey, look, Michael Clarke Duncan!"
MCD: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Lincoln: "...let's go."
*They escape*
Villain: "There has been too much plot already. Cue the series of random helicopter sequences!"
*Random helicopter sequence*
Lincoln: "Hey, Steve Buscemi, could you please explain everything for the slower members of the audience while the director occasionally cuts to another "
*Random helicopter sequence*
SB: "Well, OK. Y'see..."
Jordan: "I'm really pretty."
*Random helicopter sequence*
SB: "...and that about wraps it up."
Lincoln: "...I don't get it."
SB: "Whatever, let's get you out of here. Whoops!" *dies*
Djimon Honsou: "I maintain the same facial expression for the entire movie. Look, I'm pissed off." *scowls*
*Random helicopter sequence*
*Jordan and Lincoln run*
Lincoln: "Let's have a car chase!"
Jordan: "I feel prettier than yesterday, but not as pretty as the day before."
*Car chase*
*Random helicopter sequence*
*Djimon Honsou scowls while helicopters chase cars*
*Stuff explodes*
Djimon Honsou: "Now, watch as I kill someone in cold blood, so as to confuse the audience when later they are asked to sympathize with me. Then I scowl some more."
Villain: "Too much plot. Get to the climax already."
*More helicopters, explosions, and Djimon Honsou scowling, then to the climax*
Villain: "Lincoln, now I will kill you. Before I do, do you have any questions?"
Lincoln: "Yeah. Why are we supposed to be so concerned about Jordan's original and the moral dilemma about whether or not she should sacrifice her life to save another? Don't you only need one kidney to live, and could we not therefore just transplant one kidney and not kill the clone?"
Villain: "Yes, hence why we dropped that subplot like a hot potato once we'd walked through that gaping plot hole."
Lincoln: "Er, OK. So, has anyone questioned exactly why there is a heavily armed paramilitary group, equipped with apparently every helicopter in the Western Hemisphere, causing massive property damage in downtown Los Angeles?"
Villain: "Nope. Never come up."
Lincoln: "And wouldn't it be simpler to just clone peoples' stem cells to get the organs you need?"
Villain: "Too much plot." *dies*
*everyone escapes*
Jordan: "I was just thinking..."
Lincoln: "Let me guess: you're pretty?"
Jordan: "No, actually I was wondering how the hell we're going to escape the desert without any food, shelter or supplies without at least some of us dying of any number of things, so should we really be this ecstatic to leave?"
Djimon Honsou: "Look, I'm actually smiling!"
Lincoln: "You're really pretty, Jordan."
THE END
Fantastic Four
Reed Richards: "Doom is such a jerk."
Victor von Doom: "I'm such a jerk."
Sue Storm: "I'm dating a jerk for reasons that are never made clear or, for that matter, plausible."
Ben Grimm: "What's implausible is you, darling, playing a scientist."
Sue: "Oh! I broke a nail!"
Johnny Storm: "Look at how wacky and crazy I am! Woohoo!"
Richards: "It's ten minutes into the movie. That's enough background. Now, we're on the space station and...look! We're about to be hit with cosmic radiation! Strike a pose, everyone!"
*They are back on Earth with no explanation*
Reed, Sue and Ben: "We have powers and are miserable. Mope, mope, mope."
Johnny: "I, somehow, can get a helicopter to get to the top of the nearby ski area. Oh, look." *accident*
Doom: "I'm still such a jerk."
Richards: "I'm not buying you as a megalomaniac."
Doom: "Nonsense. Oh! I broke a nail!"
Johnny: "Is this guy going to kill us or pick out our wallpaper? Hey, where's Ben?"
Ben: "I am the mopiest. Oh well, this clumsily contrived and derivative ACTION SEQUENCE will make me feel better."
*Cars crash and EVIL, BLOODSUCKING REPORTERS show up, since action movies are never allowed to show reporters in a positive light*
Reporter: "Hey, superheroes! What do you plan on doing now?"
Reed, Sue and Ben: "Leave us alone, we have moping to catch up on. When we're done with that we might find a cure."
Johnny: "Screw that! Chicks and thrills! Woohoo!"
Ben: "Are you such a two-dimensional caricature of a person that you have to conform to these lame archetypes? You're like a 60-year-old screenwriter's idea of a whacky twentysomething daredevil."
Johnny: "Uh...woohoo?"
Reed: "Quiet, it's time for another awkward moment between Sue and I."
Sue: "Yes. Enough of these awkward moments and I might accept a marriage proposal from you."
Reed: "Really?"
Sue: "Hah, just kidding! Real relationships don't work like that. It'd be like some lazy writer's copout to avoid giving us any real character development that might take attention away from the special effects."
Reed: "Uh...OK?"
Doom: "Right now, the audience finds me about as threatening as a pediatrist in an IKEA parking lot wearing an angora sweater. So, as I cannot be bothered to do anything actually cool or devious, I will randomly murder an unimportant character."
Unimportant character: "I am dead!" *dies*
Doom: "That was fun. Now to do it again. Since I am an obvious rip-off of Norman Osborne from the first 'Spider-Man' movie, I will now murder another unimportant character, strangely similar to a scene also from that movie."
Unimportant Character 2: "Ow, my everything!"
Doom: "Now to drive a wedge between Ben Grimm and Reed Richards."
*Later, in a restaurant*
Doom: "It must be terrible for you. At least the others can go out in public."
Ben: "We're in a 24-hour restaurant sitting next to a window that can be viewed from the sidewalk. We're in public right now."
Doom: "Right. But let's pretend we're not."
Ben: "Damn you, Reed!"
*Ben and Reed fight, Ben stomps off in a huff*
Doom: "Wanna' be normal again?"
Ben: "I can't see why a guy who's been treating me for the past few months like the least pleasant of pimples on his backside wouldn't be trustworthy, and you should have no familiarity with the equipment at all unless you've been spying on us, but OK."
*Doom changes Ben back*
Doom: "Sucker!" *punches Ben, goes off to kill the other three*
*Ben dusts himself off*
Ben: "What have I done?"
*Ben changes himself back*
Ben: "Wait a minute, I'm not a scientist, how the hell did I operate that complicated bit of machinery designed by one of the world's foremost scientific geniuses?"
Screenwriter, holding up a giant Lotto-size check: "Uh...magic little elves?"
Ben: "Good enough for me. It's clobberin' time!"
*The Four beat Doom in an underwhelming and completely lame action sequence, compared to the operatic battles between good and evil in "Spider-Man 2" and "Batman Begins"*
Ben: "Since we are running out of screen time, now I love everyone again, my angst and bitter disappointment now having magically vanished."
Reed: "Marry me, Sue."
Sue: "OK. It'll be a fun way to spend half an hour."
Johnny: "I'm the only character who didn't grow or change in any way at all! Woohoo!"
THE END
First, The Dukes of Hazzard
Bo: "Let's ride!"
Luke: "Yeehaw!"
Daisy: "Duuuuh..." (translation: I have nothing interesting to say or do)
Luke: "Just like the rest of us, sis. Hey, why isn't Boss Hogg fat anymore?"
Hogg: "Does it matter? This movie is cynically using a classic TV series dear to the hearts of millions to soullessly cash in on the brand name while retaining nothing of the original's uniqueness or charm, and giving the audience only a vague facsimile of the show's plotline to use as a threadbare clothesline for car chases that make no sense and jokes so lame they barely register."
Bo: "You mean like jokes about how Daisy is hot, which aren't even funny if you don't find her plastic looks, tan-in-a-can that looks like a bag of oranges threw up, and vacant, lifeless thousand-yard stare attractive? Yeah, that's all she does, actually."
Daisy: *drools* (trans: and now, for an astonishingly tasteless and painfully unfunny blackface scene!)
Bo: "I can't act!"
Luke: "I'm actually occasionally funny, which is why I belong in funnier movies. Not like you can tell though, since my brother and I are written with personalities that are virtually identical."
*stuff blows up for some reason*
Bo and Luke: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!"
THE END
The Island
Lincoln: "I'm charming and naive."
Jordan: "Well I'm charming, naive, and I look better in white."
Lincoln: "Damn. Hey, look, Michael Clarke Duncan!"
MCD: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Lincoln: "...let's go."
*They escape*
Villain: "There has been too much plot already. Cue the series of random helicopter sequences!"
*Random helicopter sequence*
Lincoln: "Hey, Steve Buscemi, could you please explain everything for the slower members of the audience while the director occasionally cuts to another "
*Random helicopter sequence*
SB: "Well, OK. Y'see..."
Jordan: "I'm really pretty."
*Random helicopter sequence*
SB: "...and that about wraps it up."
Lincoln: "...I don't get it."
SB: "Whatever, let's get you out of here. Whoops!" *dies*
Djimon Honsou: "I maintain the same facial expression for the entire movie. Look, I'm pissed off." *scowls*
*Random helicopter sequence*
*Jordan and Lincoln run*
Lincoln: "Let's have a car chase!"
Jordan: "I feel prettier than yesterday, but not as pretty as the day before."
*Car chase*
*Random helicopter sequence*
*Djimon Honsou scowls while helicopters chase cars*
*Stuff explodes*
Djimon Honsou: "Now, watch as I kill someone in cold blood, so as to confuse the audience when later they are asked to sympathize with me. Then I scowl some more."
Villain: "Too much plot. Get to the climax already."
*More helicopters, explosions, and Djimon Honsou scowling, then to the climax*
Villain: "Lincoln, now I will kill you. Before I do, do you have any questions?"
Lincoln: "Yeah. Why are we supposed to be so concerned about Jordan's original and the moral dilemma about whether or not she should sacrifice her life to save another? Don't you only need one kidney to live, and could we not therefore just transplant one kidney and not kill the clone?"
Villain: "Yes, hence why we dropped that subplot like a hot potato once we'd walked through that gaping plot hole."
Lincoln: "Er, OK. So, has anyone questioned exactly why there is a heavily armed paramilitary group, equipped with apparently every helicopter in the Western Hemisphere, causing massive property damage in downtown Los Angeles?"
Villain: "Nope. Never come up."
Lincoln: "And wouldn't it be simpler to just clone peoples' stem cells to get the organs you need?"
Villain: "Too much plot." *dies*
*everyone escapes*
Jordan: "I was just thinking..."
Lincoln: "Let me guess: you're pretty?"
Jordan: "No, actually I was wondering how the hell we're going to escape the desert without any food, shelter or supplies without at least some of us dying of any number of things, so should we really be this ecstatic to leave?"
Djimon Honsou: "Look, I'm actually smiling!"
Lincoln: "You're really pretty, Jordan."
THE END
Fantastic Four
Reed Richards: "Doom is such a jerk."
Victor von Doom: "I'm such a jerk."
Sue Storm: "I'm dating a jerk for reasons that are never made clear or, for that matter, plausible."
Ben Grimm: "What's implausible is you, darling, playing a scientist."
Sue: "Oh! I broke a nail!"
Johnny Storm: "Look at how wacky and crazy I am! Woohoo!"
Richards: "It's ten minutes into the movie. That's enough background. Now, we're on the space station and...look! We're about to be hit with cosmic radiation! Strike a pose, everyone!"
*They are back on Earth with no explanation*
Reed, Sue and Ben: "We have powers and are miserable. Mope, mope, mope."
Johnny: "I, somehow, can get a helicopter to get to the top of the nearby ski area. Oh, look." *accident*
Doom: "I'm still such a jerk."
Richards: "I'm not buying you as a megalomaniac."
Doom: "Nonsense. Oh! I broke a nail!"
Johnny: "Is this guy going to kill us or pick out our wallpaper? Hey, where's Ben?"
Ben: "I am the mopiest. Oh well, this clumsily contrived and derivative ACTION SEQUENCE will make me feel better."
*Cars crash and EVIL, BLOODSUCKING REPORTERS show up, since action movies are never allowed to show reporters in a positive light*
Reporter: "Hey, superheroes! What do you plan on doing now?"
Reed, Sue and Ben: "Leave us alone, we have moping to catch up on. When we're done with that we might find a cure."
Johnny: "Screw that! Chicks and thrills! Woohoo!"
Ben: "Are you such a two-dimensional caricature of a person that you have to conform to these lame archetypes? You're like a 60-year-old screenwriter's idea of a whacky twentysomething daredevil."
Johnny: "Uh...woohoo?"
Reed: "Quiet, it's time for another awkward moment between Sue and I."
Sue: "Yes. Enough of these awkward moments and I might accept a marriage proposal from you."
Reed: "Really?"
Sue: "Hah, just kidding! Real relationships don't work like that. It'd be like some lazy writer's copout to avoid giving us any real character development that might take attention away from the special effects."
Reed: "Uh...OK?"
Doom: "Right now, the audience finds me about as threatening as a pediatrist in an IKEA parking lot wearing an angora sweater. So, as I cannot be bothered to do anything actually cool or devious, I will randomly murder an unimportant character."
Unimportant character: "I am dead!" *dies*
Doom: "That was fun. Now to do it again. Since I am an obvious rip-off of Norman Osborne from the first 'Spider-Man' movie, I will now murder another unimportant character, strangely similar to a scene also from that movie."
Unimportant Character 2: "Ow, my everything!"
Doom: "Now to drive a wedge between Ben Grimm and Reed Richards."
*Later, in a restaurant*
Doom: "It must be terrible for you. At least the others can go out in public."
Ben: "We're in a 24-hour restaurant sitting next to a window that can be viewed from the sidewalk. We're in public right now."
Doom: "Right. But let's pretend we're not."
Ben: "Damn you, Reed!"
*Ben and Reed fight, Ben stomps off in a huff*
Doom: "Wanna' be normal again?"
Ben: "I can't see why a guy who's been treating me for the past few months like the least pleasant of pimples on his backside wouldn't be trustworthy, and you should have no familiarity with the equipment at all unless you've been spying on us, but OK."
*Doom changes Ben back*
Doom: "Sucker!" *punches Ben, goes off to kill the other three*
*Ben dusts himself off*
Ben: "What have I done?"
*Ben changes himself back*
Ben: "Wait a minute, I'm not a scientist, how the hell did I operate that complicated bit of machinery designed by one of the world's foremost scientific geniuses?"
Screenwriter, holding up a giant Lotto-size check: "Uh...magic little elves?"
Ben: "Good enough for me. It's clobberin' time!"
*The Four beat Doom in an underwhelming and completely lame action sequence, compared to the operatic battles between good and evil in "Spider-Man 2" and "Batman Begins"*
Ben: "Since we are running out of screen time, now I love everyone again, my angst and bitter disappointment now having magically vanished."
Reed: "Marry me, Sue."
Sue: "OK. It'll be a fun way to spend half an hour."
Johnny: "I'm the only character who didn't grow or change in any way at all! Woohoo!"
THE END