Friends of the opposite sex

[HomerJay]

This is an issue more for the heteros in committed relationships:

Do you have many friends of the opposite sex, and if so, how does your spouse/significant other view these friendships?

In the past, it's been somewhat rare (but not entirely) for me to have a close friend of the opposite sex. Since college the friends I've had (and still have) are/were usually work associations or friends of my wife or other friends first.
Recently, I've kind of begun a friendship with a member of the opposite sex (that I met over the internet due to similar interests, interests most of my current male friends don't share) and my wife has become slightly unhappy about it. My wife is NOT a controlling person at all, in fact she puts up with more than most. She hasn't met my new friend, but we've only really hung out together a few times as it is. Despite the fact that both my friend and I are in committed long-term relationships (and have no intention of changing that), I can only convince my wife so much that it's completely harmless.
The other night I met my friend to hang out despite my wife's direct wishes (no, she doesn't know either). I'm feel like I'm having an affair even though I'm not.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

[watchinginkdry]

Dude. Doing it behind both of their backs? That's just low.

[sirgod]

I know a Couple from Hawaii (Ironicly the guy has my same name, and we all share the same Birthday) , who I visit at least once a year, whom I met over the internet.

Mind you It's from a Community that we have been part of for over 6 years. My wife and I both look at them as Family members now, and have Never had anyproblems of that sort.

then again, we have both been very secure in our Relationship of over 12 years. There is of course the Occasional Flirting/Ribbing/ teasing, but that's just BS stuff. We are all very loyal to our spouces.

Unless there's a reason not to be Trusting, I don't see any problem with It. Heck I have alot of Female friends , and I know for a fact they could come over for Dinner anytime, and the wife would not feel Threatened. (sp , yeah I know)

Stephen

[macul]

I have a few. I wouldn't call any of them close or anything, but there are a few that join my friends and I for gaming and volleyball. I don't think my wife likes it too much. I'm not sure if she's jealous, doesn't trust me, or both. Rarely do I hang out with them alone. Actually I can think of only one time that has happened and that was because one of them was rather new to town and wanted to accompany to the flea market (hot date scene that is).

[HomerJay]

Dude. Doing it behind both of their backs? That's just low.

Well, that's the thing...we're not "doing" anything. And I already told my friend about my wife's feelings this weekend (and that I was hanging out with her despite my wife asking me not to). She didn't seem too alarmed...

[Dreadstar]

The other night I met my friend to hang out despite my wife's direct wishes (no, she doesn't know either). I'm feel like I'm having an affair even though I'm not.

The only thing I can say to this is:

Do not withhold information of this sort from your wife. Ever. Or just don't do it to begin with.

[Shellhead]

If you're going to sneak around with another woman, you might as well have sex with her, because that's what your wife will assume if she ever finds out that you were sneaking around.

[TheLewisShow]

I've had a few female friends over the years. They all seem to have one thing in common. They always preferred having guy friends and either hated having to have other female friends or got involved with some backstabby stuff.

Friends are friends unless they drink all my beer.

[Dreadstar]

I've had a few female friends over the years. They all seem to have one thing in common. They always preferred having guy friends and either hated having to have other female friends or got involved with some backstabby stuff.

Friends are friends unless they drink all my beer.


And if your wife forbade (doesn't matter, just go with me on this one) you to see one, would you see her anyway without the knowledge of said better half?

[JeffreyWKramer]

I have friends of both genders. I don't really socialize with any of them much on my own, save online, as a) I and they are too busy, and b) what little time I have to do stuff with juli, I tend to do so. But, I do occasionally socialize alone with female friends. juli does the same with friends of both genders - and she's bi. We have this thing called trust, and we're open about it.

Sneaking around, that's just asking for trouble. I have to agree with Dread and Shell.

[Michael P]

My judgment:

You should not have seen this woman behind your wife's back, and knowing your wife didn't want you to see her.

Your wife should trust you well enough not to be worried about the idea of you being around other women without her.

The two of you have things you need to work out.

[K'Nort]

I have as many male friends as female. Where it really gets to be a problem with new boyfriends is when the guy friends are also exes. I think it's a positive sign that I'm able to stay friends after breaking up with people. They don't usually see it that way. But if they can't deal with it, then no big loss.

Putting your foot down with a spouse is much more complicated, however. On the other hand, lying is really really bad. Both on principal and in terms of inevitable consequences. And remember that many people see not volunteering information just as much a lie as denying it. And as the others have said, if there's nothing going on, why hide it? You've technically given a valid reason to, but your wife will not ever buy it.

[TheLewisShow]

And if your wife forbade (doesn't matter, just go with me on this one) you to see one, would you see her anyway without the knowledge of said better half?

Oh yeah! What you said!


....I'm so awful :(

[Slam_Bradley]

Well, that's the thing...we're not "doing" anything. And I already told my friend about my wife's feelings this weekend (and that I was hanging out with her despite my wife asking me not to). She didn't seem too alarmed...


Listen to the voice of experience on this one...there is NO WAY that your wife won't think something is going on if you sneak around with your friend on her. It is a given.

It's one thing to put your foot down and say "we're friends and we're gonna hang out." At least that way there's no beating around the bush. But if you sneak, wifey will automatically believe the worst.

[HomerJay]

Sneaking around, that's just asking for trouble. I have to agree with Dread and Shell.

I agree completely that my sneaking around was wrong and I feel guilty because of it.
However, the situation is more like your parents not wanting you to play with a kid on the playground, but you you do so anyway. I NEVER went into this with the attitude of "Well, maybe we'll hook up." I do also agree that no matter how much reassuring I do, the situation still looks bad if you're not involved...

[watchinginkdry]

Well, that's the thing...we're not "doing" anything. And I already told my friend about my wife's feelings this weekend (and that I was hanging out with her despite my wife asking me not to). She didn't seem too alarmed...

The point isn't what you're doing or not doing; the point is that you did something you knew your wife wouldn't like without telling her. As I'm sure others have pointedout. . . not a good idea.

[Super Samurai]

well, first you shouldnt of snuck around.
second, maybe you should introduce the two of them, and then maybe your wife will see that you really are just friends.

[Dreadstar]

...and now let us cut Homer a little slack from the dog-pile. He's a smart guy and can see where we're coming from. He obviously understands.

The question NOW is: HomerJay, whatcha gonna do?

[HomerJay]

...and now let us cut Homer a little slack from the dog-pile. He's a smart guy and can see where we're coming from. He obviously understands.

The question NOW is: HomerJay, whatcha gonna do?

Thanx, Dread. :o

Despite it being innocent, I definitely won't do this kind of thing again. My friend and I have already talked about her coming over for a BBQ at my house with my whole family.

[Dreadstar]

Thanx, Dread. :o

Despite it being innocent, I definitely won't do this kind of thing again. My friend and I have already talked about her coming over for a BBQ at my house with my whole family.

THAT sounds like a plan.

Just stay away from the yard-dart game while it's your wife's turn.

[Shellhead]

Thanx, Dread. :o

Despite it being innocent, I definitely won't do this kind of thing again. My friend and I have already talked about her coming over for a BBQ at my house with my whole family.

Just to play it safe, it would be helpful if your friend brought a guy along.

[phoenixrising]

As someone's significant other, I agree with the majority here in saying you probably shouldn't have gone against her wishes. We womenfolk tend to believe the worst possible scenario pretty much all of the time, especially when it involes any kind of other woman.

But it is decidedly less suspicious if the guy is up front and insistent on maintaining a friendship with a female...because backing off on the issue, to me anyway, says that he's just going to do it anyway, he just won't tell me about it anymore.

Also, I doubt your "friend" was alarmed at all. At least not until your wife like, boils her pet rabbit or something.

[Grant]

You know this is why being single rocks. I can have as many platonic relationships with women I want and not worry about the consequences.

Wait a sec this sucks!

Stay home and obey your wife Homerjay and hope to god she never leaves! And clean the bathroom!

[Evil Sneak]

No more sneaking around HomerJay, this board already has enough sneaks.

[Typo Lad]

Do not withhold information of this sort from your wife. Ever. Or just don't do it to begin with.

Really, that advice can't be topped.

[Typo Lad]

I have a best friend... had actually... who has barely been in contact since she got married. I can't help but think that her new husband had something to do with that. However, I wouldn't now go and contact her in case this is so.

Tot's legal guardians are a pair of old family friends who got married... and Suzannah actually dated the husband a few times. We teased them about it at first, but there's no distrust and we're all good friends (as evidenced by the fact that if we die, they get the kid).

Suzannah has an ex (not the asshat, one she parted on good terms with) who's bride was an utter shrew to her at their wedding. She stays in touch with him but made it clear to him she did not want to stay friends with him if his wife took issue with it.

Basically, Suzannah and I don't choose each other's friends. We have commented when we think a friend of the other is an arse, or said that (for example) I won't be home if she has over her friend who openly cheated on her her husband over... but as long as we don't have to associate with them, she's good.

Oh and Homer? If you were a woman, living in Biblical times, and your husband had warned you not to be alone with someone and you were anyway (and two pwople saw you) that's grounds for divorce. Even if nothing happened. Think about that.

[HomerJay]

But it is decidedly less suspicious if the guy is up front and insistent on maintaining a friendship with a female...because backing off on the issue, to me anyway, says that he's just going to do it anyway, he just won't tell me about it anymore.

Also, I doubt your "friend" was alarmed at all. At least not until your wife like, boils her pet rabbit or something.

Thanx.
I do really want to try to maintain this new friendship as I find her to be a pretty cool and actually sorta fascinating person. Almost ALL of my close friends I've known since grade school, and I haven't made many new friends lately (with work & family, I don't get out much anymore). I just need to maintain it the right way (as a married man at least).

And she doesn't have to worry...my wife is an animal lover and would be more apt to boil something of MINE (a certain portion of my anatomy) in a pot if I ever decided to have an affair. :p

[K'Nort]

I have a best friend... had actually... who has barely been in contact since she got married. I can't help but think that her new husband had something to do with that. However, I wouldn't now go and contact her in case this is so.

Suzannah has an ex (not the asshat, one she parted on good terms with) who's bride was an utter shrew to her at their wedding. She stays in touch with him but made it clear to him she did not want to stay friends with him if his wife took issue with it.

This has been a recurring storyline in For Better or For Worse and I've wondered reading it whether people act that way in real life. It's too bad they do.

[phoenixrising]

Oh and Homer? If you were a woman, living in Biblical times, and your husband had warned you not to be alone with someone and you were anyway (and two pwople saw you) that's grounds for divorce. Even if nothing happened. Think about that.

If he were a woman in Biblical times doing it, he'd likely get stoned.

And I agree. I think HomerJay should get stoned. Everybody must get stoned.

/immaturity

[HomerJay]

UPDATE (in case anyone cares):

My friend and her boyfriend came over for a BBQ this weekend. Things went quite well, but my wife still feels uncomfortable with the concept of me & her doing anything more than going to lunch together (alone at least).

Does anyone think she's being unreasonable?

[SteelTownr]

Is she hot?

Mark B.

[HomerJay]

Is she hot?


Well, every woman I've ever been involved with has been at least one of three things, blond, busty, or a tomboy (and my wife knows this). She is 2 out of 3, so maybe that has something to do with my wife still being uneasy.

[howyadoin]

My friend and her boyfriend came over for a BBQ this weekend. Things went quite well, but my wife still feels uncomfortable with the concept of me & her doing anything more than going to lunch together (alone at least).

Does anyone think she's being unreasonable?Well, she's definitely not being very trusting. Is that something she generally has issues with?

[HomerJay]

Well, she's definitely not being very trusting. Is that something she generally has issues with?

Not exactly. I guess she's as wary as any other wife, and it's not like I've ever done anything to make her worry. She knows that I'd never premeditate about cheating on her, but she also knows that I'm a borderline sex addict and if another attractive woman would ever throw herself at me, I think she may have her doubts about my ability to stop it. That said, I've NEVER cheated in any relationship I've been in.

[K'Nort]

Has your wife been cheated on in the past? Or has someone close to her?

She does seem unusually distrustful. But I do know a lot of women where that's just the outlook they were raised with. I blame talk shows in part. Seriously.

[Typo Lad]

Just tell your wife that when she acts all jelous, it makes you hot for her, then chase her upstairs.

She'll want to have your friend over all the time.

[HomerJay]

Just tell your wife that when she acts all jelous, it makes you hot for her, then chase her upstairs.

Well as a matter fact, we DID have sex last night (things seemed to be a little rougher than usual too).

And yes, her parents are divorced because her Dad cheated...

[Typo Lad]

Well as a matter fact, we DID have sex last night (things seemed to be a little rougher than usual too).

There you go, keep creating that associative value.

And yes, her parents are divorced because her Dad cheated...

Tell her that even though you're the answer to "who's your daddy," you're NOT her dad.

[Winslow]

UPDATE (in case anyone cares):

My friend and her boyfriend came over for a BBQ this weekend. Things went quite well, but my wife still feels uncomfortable with the concept of me & her doing anything more than going to lunch together (alone at least).

Does anyone think she's being unreasonable?

She sounds pretty reasonable to me. She doesn't mind you hanging with her, just in group contexts. And she hasn't cutoff the relationship, just asked you to abide by a reasonable request.

You've admitted to being attracted to her AND you enjoy her company. I'm almost certain your wife's picking up on those "vibes" when you're around her.

If you're like me (and it's quite possible you're not), it's just a matter of time until you develop feelings for her. Attraction + fun = infatuation. Actually, if you were a good friend of mine, I'd question why your seeing her at all in the first place. And yes, that advice amd observation has a good deal of "projection" in it, but I don't know you real well either.

And to put the ole shoe on the other foot, imagine your wife going out with some hunky guy that she enjoyed being around and she found attractive.

And contrary to conventional wisdom, a little bit of reasonable jealousy indicates a heathy relationship IMO.

Asking you to limit your contact to lunch sounds very reasonable.

[Michael P]

And yes, her parents are divorced because her Dad cheated... Dingdingding! We have a winner!

[Corrina]

My question is how much emotional energy or time are you investing in this new friend?

If you're exchanging a lot of emails per day or just plain spend a lot of time thinking about the new friend and enjoying her company at the expense of it taking away from your current relationship, I think that could be a sign of later trouble.

My husband has friends of both genders. I have no problem with it, of course. He has no problem with my male friends.

But if he suddenly told me about a new friend he met on the internet that he's exchanging emails with all the time and obviously is fascinated by her...I might be very wary and start getting a little alarmed.

[HomerJay]

You've admitted to being attracted to her AND you enjoy her company. I'm almost certain your wife's picking up on those "vibes" when you're around her.

Whoa there.
I never said anywhere that I was attracted to her, I only said that she has a few of the same certain characteristics of other women I've been involved with.

We've only really hung out a total of 3 or 4 times (and not really emailing much either) so it's not like either of us are investing a lot into this. And I find her fascinating (maybe interesting is a better word) because I don't really know anybody else quite like her, and I suspect she might feel somewhat the same way (we both kind of go against stereotype in regard to our interests). But don't confuse fascination with infatuation.

[Styldeon]

I just ended a long term relationship (five years) because of problems with things like this, I tried to have friends of the opposite sex and my boyfriend was always been obsessive and sentimental about that.

I started doing it behing his back, just trying to not hurt the relation and trying to be happy at the same time, because I knew I couldn't go on with the relation feeling so oppresed, so I justified myself saying I was doing it because I really cared about him, wich by the way, was stupid.

I ended feeling bad, started to feel uncomfortable with him, and then at the end just decided breaking up.

I know this is not the same problem you have, but one thing is true, I started doing it thinking it was inocent and at the end, I found out that I lost all the feelings I had for him, I should have talked about it when I started feeling that way, and we should have had more communication.

now it is too late, but well, that is the way things are, and now I know the first thing I look for in a relationship, FREEDOM.

[Winslow]

Whoa there.
I never said anywhere that I was attracted to her, I only said that she has a few of the same certain characteristics of other women I've been involved with.

We've only really hung out a total of 3 or 4 times (and not really emailing much either) so it's not like either of us are investing a lot into this. And I find her fascinating (maybe interesting is a better word) because I don't really know anybody else quite like her, and I suspect she might feel somewhat the same way (we both kind of go against stereotype in regard to our interests). But don't confuse fascination with infatuation.

Oh O.K. Sorry to mischaracterize the situation.

To be perfectly honest, I have pretty strong feelings, and I'm not sure I could avoid becoming infatuated with someone I found fascinating (I can't think of an example in my life - so that's part of my problem in relating to your situation).

If the wife is home with a baby while you're out with another woman, it might be more resentment than lack of trust . . . maybe . . .somethin' to think about.

[Nikita]

And yes, her parents are divorced because her Dad cheated...


Bingo.............

[phoenixrising]

Did anything in particular happen at said meeting that could have made your wife nervous?

[HomerJay]

Did anything in particular happen at said meeting that could have made your wife nervous?

Not to my knowledge at least, in fact my wife said she did like her. I hope my friend doesn't take it personally when I tell her that nothing's really changed.
Unfortunately, I think she (my wife) is hearing too many opinions from other people about how she should react to this situation rather than looking at the situation herself.

My wife puts up with a lot with me (more than my friends' wives or girlfriends would) and this is the first time she's actually kind of put her foot down, so it's not like she's some controlling shrew.

I've actually talked about it with my sister (who's pool of friends has always been 90% male), and she appears to be one of the only ones "on my side".

[howyadoin]

Unfortunately, I think she (my wife) is hearing too many opinions from other people about how she should react to this situation rather than looking at the situation herself.Let me guess - your wife has a lot of manipulative, nosy friends?

[HomerJay]

Let me guess - your wife has a lot of manipulative, nosy friends?

They're not too bad actually, but they are all pretty much "girly girls" (with the exception of my wife and one other), so gossip and cattiness are par for the course when they all get together.

[west3man]

Has anyone else experienced something similar?
My female friends tend to back off quite a bit when I get into a relationship. This has been the case ever since my freshman year in college.

Some folks, especially women, it seems, don't want ANY CHANCE of drama or misunderstandings or accusations, etc. with the new sig. other, so they'd rather drop out of the picture, almost completely. It used to piss me off more than it does, now. I think I understand where they're coming from a little more, these days.

My girlfriends have almost always been cool about stuff. Everyone has a limit, though. It usually helps when the friend is already in a committed relationship.

I remember when I lived with a then-girlfriend and we broke up, but the lease hadn't expired, yet. An old high school girlfriend contacted me through my Mom and wanted to meet up in ATL.... Hmm.... Very strange. I'm not sure if this was before or after we broke up (but we DID break up), now that I think about it some more. It seems out-of-character for her to act that way at all, particularly BEFORE the break up (and she'd have less reason to react that way after so... ??). Anyway, the "roommate" more or less warned me not to sleep with the woman I was meeting, then try to come back to her. I don't know what the hell was going on in her head.

As hard as it was to experience (and probably just as hard to *read* :p ), it's definitely for the best that we eventually broke up.

[phoenixrising]

HomerJay, you may have to address the very real possibility that you just aren't going to be able to hang out with this girl anymore. Discomfort, nervousness and unecessary stress on both of you will likely make you less inclined to spend time together if it continues to create problems in your home.

[Shellhead]

If the cookout wasn't enough to make your wife okay with the situation, then you're in a no-win situation. The harder you try to defend the innocent relationship with the female friend, the more it's going to make your wife uneasy. Taken to an extreme, you may need to choose between your marriage and your friendship, and obviously the friendship isn't worth that kind of trouble. Realistically, you need to break up with your female friend.

[HomerJay]

Perhaps the attention-whore in me is making things seem a bit more dramatic than they actually are. (Wow, a 4-page thread with people talking about ME and MY problem! :p )

My wife isn't forbidding me from doing anything. She's simply letting it be known that she still feels slightly uncomfortable about me hanging out alone with my friend other than in a casual lunch-type setting. That's it. Pretty reasonable for a wife with a husband as hunky as me. ;)

I plan to respect her feelings going forward and not push the issue.

There has been no strain at home because of this, and I DO realize where my wife is coming from and how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. It's not like this is causing turmoil in my family or anything. I don't feel uncomfortable or nervous around my friend at all because of the situation, and I hope that she doesn't either.

[milhouse123321]

It sounds like you wife's got you.

[Shellhead]

Did you happen to watch network tv last night?

That miltary CSI rip-off, the one starring Mark Harmon, actually addressed this issue last night. Several of the characters were teasing one of the female characters for her various friendships with married guys. She maintained that all of these friendships were perfectly innocent, but everybody else mocked her for being so naive. The case they were working on had to do with a couple of Marines, and one of them was sleeping with the other guy's wife.

At the end of the episode, she appealed to the other female cast member to back up her assertion that "men and women can just be friends without having sex". The goth chick agreed that men and women can just be friends, but they're going to have sex.

[Forefinger]

As a teenager mainly, and a couple of times as an adult, I have ended up having some kind of sexual contact with every woman that I've tried to just be friends with, including my wife. I just don't think it's possible for a man and a woman to spend a lot of time with one another without developing an attraction and compulsion to act on it.

[Typo Lad]

At the end of the episode, she appealed to the other female cast member to back up her assertion that "men and women can just be friends without having sex". The goth chick agreed that men and women can just be friends, but they're going to have sex.

Yes, let us take our value judgments from TV. TV is never wrong.

All hail the television!

[Shellhead]

Yes, let us take our value judgments from TV. TV is never wrong.

All hail the television!

I'm not saying that episode proved anything, I was just curious if HomerJay saw the episode, and if so, what his reaction was.

[Typo Lad]

I'm not saying that episode proved anything, I was just curious if HomerJay saw the episode, and if so, what his reaction was.

Sorry, just a gut reaction to anyone trying to use TV as a proof - which I understand now you were not trying to do.

I have female friends. Hell, some of them post here. Beverly and Christine were in my house when my wife was away. She was fine with it.

My best friend growing up was a girl. I made friends with women more easily than I did with men, in fact.

The trick is to stop being a stupid "guy" and see women as people instead of sex objects.

[HomerJay]

I'm not saying that episode proved anything, I was just curious if HomerJay saw the episode, and if so, what his reaction was.

I didn't see it, but thanks for bringing it up.

I've actually had several friendships with females that have gone the opposite way from what you described. One in particular is one I'm still friends with. We started hanging out and palling around because we worked together, and yes she was (and IS) VERY attractive. Well the more we saw one another and hung out, the more that attraction I had went away. While several of my other male co-workers (that don't see her as often as I do) still lust over her, I now see her as more of a sister than anything.
I mean I KNOW she's very attractive, I'm just not attracted TO her anymore.

And yes, I find I do make friends easier with women than guys sometimes.

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr]

HomeBoy, this is an interesting thread. I think I'm pretty much like you. I always had more "girl" friends than "guy" friends, all through high school and college and right up until I met my wife and then -- BAM -- no more "girl" friends. Part of it, as West said, is my girl friends pretty much backed off once I actually got serious with my then-girlfriend, now-wife.

Part of it is the place I work, I think. When I first started at my firm, there were a bunch of us all around the same age. We worked long hours and tended to hang out together a lot. Well, two of us, Betsy and Jim, were particularly "close." They'd go to lunch together or go for a run or hang out in each other's office, etc. The only thing was that Jim is married and Betsy was not.

One night, at some work function, we were all at dinner, including me and my wife, Jim and his wife, Betsy, and a bunch of others. As we're sitting at dinner, Jim and Betsy pretty much carry on like normal, being all buddy-buddy. They even shared their dinners with one another.

Well, it didn't take the observation powers of Hannibal Lector to realize that Jim's wife was fuming. Nothing much happened at dinner, but all of a sudden, I noticed that Jim wasn't hanging out with Betsy quite so much (read: not at all).

On the way home from the dinner, however, my wife couldn't stop talking about how embarrassed she was for Jim's wife and how humiliated she must have been, etc. Then, of course, she turned to me and said, if you even THINK of doing something like that... She said it as if she was kidding, but I know she was serious. Of course, Jim and Betsy were a pretty extreme example. I would not have felt comfortable spending as much time with another woman as Jim did.

It's never really been an issue, however. I really don't have time to "hang out" anymore, even with my guy friends. Work and two kids kind of eats into all of my personal time.