The Classic Quotations Thread

[Aaron Kashtan]

Time to revive this thread from the old forum. In this thread, you are invited to post any quotations from old comics that strike your fancy.

I'll post the first one:


COP #1: [reading Dragon's fan mail] I got one that says he's got a noisy neighbor he wants you to clobber.
COP #2: Heck, I'll do it. I could use the exercise.

--Couldn't we all? Savage Dragon #12, dialogue by Erik Larsen.

[David Porta]

"Where Soars the Silver Surfer!"
Stan Lee and Jack Kirby
Fantastic Four #72

Page 13, panel 5


Sue Storm:
"But what ... can he do ... against the all-powerful Silver Surfer??"

The Watcher:
"All-powerful? There is only one who deserves that name! And His only weapon — is love!"

Love is my weapon, too, honeys!

Praise Jesus!

YEEE-HaaaA!

~Dave

[Aaron Kashtan]

SUPERGIRL: Cousin? I just thought of something... As the Supergirl of this era, am I away visiting another time period or something? Because I thought you couldn't materialize in an era where you already existed.
SUPERMAN: Uh, yes. Yes, you're right... Right now, Supergirl... Supergirl is in the past.

--It was a while before I saw the hidden meaning of this line. From Superman #423, "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?," script by Alan Moore.

[Aaron Kashtan]

DRACULA: What are you staring at, fools? Begone!
MAN: Hey, man, don't get so uptight. I just dig the way you're dressed.
DRACULA: You will "dig" nothing but your own grave.

--A sharp comeback! Tomb of Dracula #37, script by Marv Wolfman.

[interstate shogun]

"Twenty million die by fire...if I am weak.."

-Superman trying to stop a launched nuke in The Dark Knight Returns

[David Porta]

We ... dutifully follow our leader. Not you, Father. Him. ... Jesus died for our salvation. Can we do less?
Nightcrawler Vol.2 #1
February 2002, Marvel
"Passion Play Part One: Rising Dark"
page 9 - panel 4-8
Chris Kipiniak & Matthew Smith

A novice wrestles with moral issues: should he use his super powers to hunt outlaw slavers?

[Aaron Kashtan]

THUNDERBOLT ROSS: Thunderation! If this over-sized hunk of bolts is right-- the Hulk is heading straight for the San Andreas Fault!
A few panels later, MAJOR GLENN TALBOT thinks: One thing about Thunderbolt Ross-- he never lets you forget why he got his nickname!

--Nor does he let you forget what his nickname is! From Incredible Hulk #128, script by Roy Thomas.

[David Porta]

I am a sorcerer supreme, a man of knowledge; While you are only a man of learning.
Steve Englehart
from Doctor Strange Special Edition #1; March 1982
page 70 - panel 3 - Doctor Strange
reprinting
Doctor Strange (second series) #1,2,4,5; Jun-Aug-Oct-Dec 1974

[Aaron Kashtan]

In honor of National Words-That-Don't Rhyme Week, here is the first of two "rhymes with orange" jokes.


I sing a song to one dressed in orange! Errr... what rhymes with orange?

--The Minstrel's botched attempt at a song, after Groo uses the Amulet to deprive him of his poetic ability. From Groo #35 (I think), script by Mark Evanier. The dialogue is my best recollection.

[Aaron Kashtan]

And here is the second:


JACQUES THE ANVIL: [...] I perceive that we are at a standoff. Feed me a line I cannot rhyme and we'll perform a hand-off!
JUDAH THE HAMMER: A line you cannot rhyme?
JACQUES: Make it quick and make it prime!
JUDAH: There's never any fruit in Clausius' loot / Won't you have -- AN ORANGE?
JACQUES: (curses in unreadable symbols)

--The infamous impromptu rhyming contest from Nexus #11. Dialogue by Steve Rude.

It's not really National Words-That-Don't-Rhyme week. I made that up.

[Brad Curran]

Is it like my imagination... or is every old buddy Wolvie's got in the whole world... like some incredibly fabulously gorgeous babe?

Jubilee, while eavesdropping on Wolverine and the Black Widow's reunion in Uncanny X-Men 268.

[David Porta]

Jan.-Feb. 1956, Dell
Paul Newman?
The Golden Goddess

page 7 - panel 1
The aborigines are bowing down to Lassie and her friends in worship.

Chief Yukuma:
"Do not harm us, O noble pale-faced ones. We were foolish to attack you."

Capitao Jorge:

By the saints! Because of Lassie's color, they believe she is some kind of goddess. I'll keep them thinking that until they answer some of my questions.
:eek:

[Aaron Kashtan]

They want to go home. They want to walk through their own fields and sleep with their own wives-- not lie on some stony beach passing around the camp slut.

--Agamemnon on why he's postponing the expedition to Troy until the spring, from Age of Bronze #14. I admit that this quote is highly indecent and not quite two years old, but it made me laugh so hard that I just had to post it.

[David Porta]

"Eyes Of Fire"
Gaylord Du Bois
Tarzan #105
June 1958, Dell


They call me ‘White Flower,' but my name is Ruth Wells. For the past six years my father has been a missionary to the Makembe tribe. They have nearly all accepted the faith. Perhaps that is why their old enemies, the neighboring tribes, are more eager than ever to wipe them out, because now the Makembe love peace more than fighting!
page 3 - panel 5,6

[Aaron Kashtan]

DONALD: I guess this is the end for us, Uncle Scrooge!
SCROOGE: Yes! I'll never see my beloved money again!

--From Uncle Scrooge #7, dialogue by Carl Barks.

[Aaron Kashtan]

MIKE VERIFAX: ...and now that you've met "itchy fingers" let's meet the other executives.
GOODMAN BEAVER: He-- he's fairly unprincipled, eh? Not like most, eh?
MIKE: Oh sure! Now come meet "twinkle paws," "wander-mitts," "grapple hooks" and "the grabber."

--From "Organization Man in the Grey Flannel Executive Suite," Harvey Kurtzman's Jungle Book, dialogue by the same

[Aaron Kashtan]

Dandel. I'm a turtle. My home is on my back. And yet I feel the most real home I'll ever have is the space where our roads merged & traveled along together... for a time.

--Chunky to a sleeping Dandel, from Goodbye, Chunky Rice by Craig Thompson. This scene brought tears to my eyes.

[Brad Curran]

Tom Strong: Dhalua? Now we're married, I was thinking how nice it would be to bring more intelligent life into this beautiful world. Just think, a companion who could talk to us; the patter of little feet...
Dhalua Strong: Oh Tom. Always I have wated a Weh-Wah of my own. You make me so happy!
Tom Strong: Uh.. I was thinking about perfroming innovative brain experiments on a moneky...... but I suppose we could have a baby as well.
Pillow talk a la Moore, from Tom Strong #1

"They're going. Good. If there's one thing I despise, it's the sound of steak sobbing."
Dr. Jason Woodrue/The Floronic Man's reaction to Abbey Cable crying, Saga of the Swamp Thing #22

Glory (Wonder Woman analogue): Of all our foes, I think that Hulver Ramik was the most repulsive, with that ring of eyes. Even Prismalo looked good after Ramik. Plus, I didn't like the slavery thing. I mean, it seemed like from the Forties to the Sixties I was getting tied up every month! I mean, was that just me? Or did you guys get that too?
Roman(Aquaman analogue): Uh, no...
Another Wonder Woman bonndage joke, but a good one, from Supreme #48

"We gaze continually at the world and it grow dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another vantage point, as if new, it may still take our breath away."
My favorite line from Dr. Manhattan's monologue at the end of Watchmen #9

"There. Did you think to kill me? There's no flesh or blood within this cloak to kill. There's only an idea. Ideas are bulletproof."
V, from V for Vendetta

[Aaron Kashtan]

Dear Editor: I am writing this letter on 1c worth of typewriter paper and using a 5c stamp to mail it. Now if that isn't appreciation, I don't know the meaning of the word!

--Mike Railsback's letter to Green Lantern #44. Things were cheaper back in 1966. (And people still used typewriters and sent letters by mail!)

[Aaron Kashtan]

While your comics have beautiful artwork and first-class writing, "Brand-Ego" material looks like it was done in five minutes, and the stories (which one man gets all the credit for, while actually he has a complete staff of writers working for him) are absolute garbage.

--Well, I guess not everyone liked '60s Marvel comics. From Robert Wilczynski's letter in Flash #161, May 1966. (The context makes it fairly clear that he's referring to Marvel.)

[Aaron Kashtan]

But simply having a cow tell a tale does not a story (or even a comic) make.

--I don't know if I agree; a cow could write better than many people who get paid to write comics... From Mark Gruenwald's commentary on Avengers #185-187, appearing on the letters page of Avengers #192.

If you're wondering why I just posted three quotes from letter columns, here's the explanation. I'm currently indexing all the comics I bought at SDCC. When I enter a comic into my spreadsheet, I always look at the letters page to see if there are any letters from noteworthy people. And in the process, I often run across funny or intriguing quotes, like these three.

[Pól Rua]

One of those quotes which I like to pull out occasionally. It's not especially meaningful, but if you can get those quiet, menacing, low tones, it works a treat...

"Unorthodox. Economic. Revenge."

The Moon Roach, from Cerebus: High Society.



__________________________________________
Pól.

[Mikintosh]

Scorpion: I'm not aiming to lose you, big mouth! I'm just gonna smash you into the middle of next week!
Spider-Man: Good! There's a T.V. show on then I've been dying to see!
-The Amazing Spider-Man #29 [10.65]


J. Jonah Jameson: Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Now THERE'S a snappy comeback! Well, I don't want to hang around too long -- You're so charming that I may grow to LIKE you -- In which case I'd have to kill myself! So keep smiling, buddy boy!
-The Amazing Spider-Man #30 [11.65]


Ned Leeds: "Hurry, Spider-Man...You've got to stop the Scorpion! I'll look after Miss Brant...you concentrate on your fight...and watch out for that tail of his!
Spider-Man: *Bro-THER! First he muscles in on my girl...and now, he's giving me advice on how to protect myself! YEESH!*
[FILLED WITH BURNING RAGE, THE MASKED-TEEN-AGER ATTEMPTS A RASH, HEADLONG ATTACK...]
Spider-Man: *It's all the Scorpion's fault! I'll pulverize him!*
[BUT, ALAS, THE SCORPION HAS OTHER IDEAS!]
Ned Leeds: I told you to watch out for his tail!
Spider-Man: Aw, shuddup!
-The Amazing Spider-Man #29 [10.65]

[Aaron Kashtan]

In my opinion the independent arm of comics publishing is no longer supportable [...] In fact, I will be surprised if comics publishing at all still exists in 5 or 10 years.

--Martin Wagner, creator of Hepcats, in a 1998 interview with CBR's Beau Yarbrough about why he was cancelling Hepcats (quoted at http://www.nic.com/~augie/pipeline/pcr87.htm).

I hope he kept his promise and was surprised last year... :)

[Aaron Kashtan]

Say! No wonder Pete likes your hairdo, Gwen! It's more like the way Mary Jane's been wearing hers!

--A candidate for Tactless Comment of the Year! From Amazing Spider-Man #48, dialogue by Stan the Man.

[Spike-X]

--Martin Wagner, creator of Hepcats, in a 1998 interview with CBR's Beau Yarbrough about why he was cancelling Hepcats (quoted at http://www.nic.com/~augie/pipeline/pcr87.htm).

I hope he kept his promise and was surprised last year... :)
Of course, if he'd actually put out an issue occasionally...

[Aaron Kashtan]

HAROLD H. HAROLD: Er, Dracula, sir? Could I speak with you, just for a moment or so? You see, I promised the publisher of this magazine I work for, to interview a real vampire. And you may be the only one who can save my job.
DRACULA: What care have I of your problems, human? I gave you thanks, and that is more than you should expect. Be thankful I do not slay you for blood. For I may have need of you shortly, and therefore you will be spared.
HAROLD: Gosh, thanks, Dracula-- sir! Really, thanks!

--From Tomb of Dracula #38, dialogue by Marv Wolfman.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Fans defend [The Family Circus] as an endearing depiction of life's sweeter moments, and a reminder of simple Christian values; most of the strip's critics pan it for the same reasons.

--From the Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Family_Circus) entry on that strip. EDIT: I wonder if anyone else remembers the Don Markstein/rick d flamewar over this issue?

[Aaron Kashtan]

I seek the reaction of the average man... something you could never be!

Medusa to Spidey, Amazing Spider-Man #62 (dialogue by Stan Lee). The irony, of course, is that the whole point of Spider-Man is that he's an average man!

[TheHistorian]

A confidence woman! Oh! Why didn't I see through her!
Because yo' hain't got no brains - nevah did have!

- A tender sisterly moment between Bessie and Pansy... Li'l Abner, 6 JAN 1935

[Aaron Kashtan]

His accusations are beneath contempt. I have nothing to ask him. I can barely stand the sight of him.

--Attorney Samuel T. Cogsley refusing to cross-examine the witness Prefect Witten, from the "Trial of James T. Kirk" in Star Trek #10-12. (Dialogue by Peter David.) Quite a stinging putdown!

[Aaron Kashtan]

[b]J. JONAH JAMESON: The whole @**!!#!%@??!! country's going to the dogs! A man can't even enjoy himself in the hospital anymore! I'm gonna fire every nincompoop on that paper!!
NURSE: Mr. Jameson! You're delirious!
JJJ: You're ding dong right I am!

--JJJ, in the hospital, after seeing a positive article about Spider-Man in the Daily Bugle. From Amazing Spider-Man #72, dialogue by Stan the Man.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Featuring, as it does, a deformed, child-murdering, wife-beating psychopath who commits appalling acts of violence and cruelty upon all those around him and escapes scot-free, [Punch and Judy] is greatly enjoyed by small children.

--From the Wikipedia entry on Punch and Judy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punch_and_judy). I know this has nothing to do with comics, but I was inspired to look up this encyclopedia entry after reading Gaiman and McKean's Mr. Punch. Besides, it's funny. :)

[Aaron Kashtan]

Meanwhile, at a gratuitous fight scene on New Genesis...

--Caption from Young Justice #29, script by Peter David.

[Aaron Kashtan]

IKEDA: Don't call me "Lord." I am just "Ike," a poor peasant. My days as a lord are long past.
SANSHOBO: Forgive me, my lord.

--Not taking the hint, from Usagi Yojimbo #46. Dialogue by Stan Sakai.

[Aaron Kashtan]

He was a man who brought death and destruction wherever he went. No, it was not Groo. His was intentional.

--Caption from Groo the Wanderer #23, script by Mark Evanier.

[Aaron Kashtan]

And despite all that happens through eight innings, not a soul in the crowd stirs! Truly, this is a captive audience!

--Not a great quote, but I had to find something to commemorate the Red Sox win! From DC Super-Stars #10, "The Great Super Star Game," script by Bob Rozakis.

[Kirayoshi]

It's been about a month, but I'll err on the side of caution and spoil-text this one.

"Is that dragon thing behind me again?" - Ord, one moment before being curbstomped by an angry Colossus, 'Astondishing X-Men' #5

"I am not made of steel! Rage, I am made of RAGE!" - The aforementioned angry Colossus, AXM #5.

[Aaron Kashtan]

ANYONE can win a fight -- when the odds are easy! It's when the going's tough -- when there seems to be no chance -- THAT'S when -- it counts!

Everything going black -- my head -- aching --! Hold on -- I must HOLD ON -- !

It's MOVING! Can't stop now! Last chance! Must keep the momentum -- MORE! Just a little MORE --!

I DID it!
I'm FREE!

--From Amazing Spider-Man #33, dialogue by Stan Lee. Just as Peter Parker lifted that huge piece of masonry off his back to defeat the Master Planner, the Red Sox have thrown off the weight of an 86-year-old curse to win a victory that will never be forgotten. Let's Go Red Sox!

[Aaron Kashtan]

“Except that comics aren't and shouldn't be respectable. The closest they should come to the adult world is as a kind of foul-mouthed, filthy-minded and grubby adolescence, with adolescents of all ages duly sequestered in that teenage bedroom and, between bouts of what teenagers do, thumbing through thin, flimsy funnies instead of damaging their wrists trying to hold this latest over-weighty, overproduced whinge. Ware, after all, is rich and famous, and thanks to this book will doubtless be mobbed by the thousands and thousands of ageing retards for whom comics still float their boat. Which is fine, but I wish he and the rest of them would accept that, in the ecology of culture, comics flourish where they are for a reason, and so he should stop pushing against an open door into an empty room.”

--A shockingly ignorant and unwarranted piece of slander published by Martin Rawson in the London Sunday Independent. An example of the kind of opinion we should all be trying to change.

[Aaron Kashtan]

NORM: So-- second date with this guy tonight?
REINE: Yep. Actually, our first date was with a group... but tonight, it's just the two of us.
NORM: Hmm. If your current trend holds-- on the third date you'll go by yourself.

--Michael Jantze, The Norm Magazine #1.

[Rob Allen]

Women often complain about men, but this is a complaint you rarely hear:



... I thought he was too straight for me ...

--Jody, the protagonist & narrator of the cover story in Marvel's My Love #14, November 1971, script by Gary Friedrich. She ends up marrying him anyway.



For those who don't know - the word "straight" had a different slang meaning back then. She's saying that he's too old-fashioned, not hip. The moral of this story is that the long-haired free-loving hippies are fun to have a fling with, but they won't commit to you; the short-haired, old-fashioned, straight-laced monogamous guy is the one who loves you.

[Kirayoshi]

Joss Whedon strikes again!

(Ord is making his escape in a fast-moving alien aircraft)
Colossus: "No. He doesn't get away."
Woverine: "You feeling rested up, Petey?"
Colossus: "I am strong."
Wolverine: "Then I got just two words for you, bub."
--Astondishing X-Men #6

Ah, fastball specials. Life is good again...

[Aaron Kashtan]

It feels like home.

--Invisible Kid on being shown the interior of the clubhouse, Legion of Super-Heroes vol. 5 #1.

I've never before posted a quotation from a comic that hasn't been published yet. But I'm just so excited for this new Legion!

[nicnicnic]

"Rebuilding my earlier Stimuloids with a more solidly mechanical sensory system, thus making them Macrobots was the breakthrough. This will occupy at least a chapter in my memoirs."

Kang the Conqueror
Avengers 129, part one of the Celestial Modonna.

An amusing incidence of Kang the Conqueror's vanity.

[Aaron Kashtan]

As long as there is a Legion of Super-Heroes, all else can be made right.

--The final words of Paul Levitz's run on the Legion, spoken by Sensor Girl in LSH vol. 3 #63. I can't wait for Wednesday!

[ClintBartonWannabe]

"Ultron, we would have words with thee." - Thor in Avengers Vol3 #22

[Screwtape]

"Th' trouble with you is you don't know when to believe me!"
-Phoney Bone, from "The Great Cow Race."

"'Richards. In one short night, I've taken everything. The boy is blinded, crippled, and enslaved. The monster is shattered, lost, his lover now the Mole Man's bride in his kingdom of filth. Your wife is drowning in the fathoms of her adulterous frenzy. And all that remains... is doom. While you've been locked away, I've been busy destroying your life and the lives of your family forever, Richards. Tell me... what have you been doing?'

'Well Victor... I've been thinking.'"

Reed and Doom, at the end of Fantastic Four: 1234 #3.

[Aaron Kashtan]

At the time that this exchange takes place, Hopey has just left Maggie to go on tour. Hopey wants to apologize to Maggie for leaving her behind, but is too scared to do it herself. Therefore, she tries to pass the buck:


HOPEY: Hey, kid, I'll give you my last cigarette if you make a phone call for me.
KID: Nyeh! I don't smoke.
HOPEY: I'll give you the rest of my beer then.
KID: Nyeh! I don't drink.
HOPEY: C'mon! Just make this call for me. There's this really hot chick in California that...
KID: California?? Double nyeh!
HOPEY (throwing beer bottle at him): TAKE THE BEER ANYWAY, YOU FUCKIN' STRAIGHTEDGE FAGGOT!

From "Jerusalem Crickets" by Jaime Hernandez. My apologies for the profanity and the offensive reference to straightedge people.

[Aaron Kashtan]

The guys who remember seeing my father in the flesh are those who knew him before 3-G.

--From Brian Kotzky's interview in Alter Ego #34. Brian is alluding to the fact that his father, Alex Kotzky, spent nearly all of his waking hours working on Apartment 3-G.

[Aaron Kashtan]

We have spam, spam, rabbit stew, or spam.

--From Jon Sable, Freelance #26, written by Mike Grell. It's funny not just because of the obvious (and anachronistic) Monty Python allusion, but because it makes sense in the context of the story.

[Aaron Kashtan]

PROFESSOR X: I'll try to ignore the deliberate strangeness of all this.
FANTOMEX: Why ignore it? Embrace it!

--Advice which any reader of Grant Morrison's comics should heed. From New X-Men #129.

[Aaron Kashtan]

MANHUNTER: The way I see it, we have two priorities, at present: we've got to show people we're still here, still in business, even with Josiah in the hospital. And second, we've got to keep the company solvent-- we've got to make money. So a publicity splash...
SKYROCKET: Yes, I see that. But... two priorities? What about doing good? Saving lives? Where does that fit in?
MANHUNTER: Look, Skyrocket. We can't do much good if the company fails, yes? So right now, all the intangibles-- all of them-- have to take a back seat, until we're on firmer ground.
SKYROCKET: Intangibles...

--The corporate mentality in a nutshell. From Power Company #10, dialogue by Kurt Busiek.

[jetfire85]

"I did it thirty-five minutes ago."

--Ozymandias, Watchmen #11 (I won't spoil the context of the quote for the people who haven't read it yet.)

[EvilLonchon]

Ah yes, Carl Barks, the man...the myth...the artist. One of my favorite quotes are from the french comicbook series "Donjon" ("Dungeon" in english) it's a fantasy-comic that is already considered a classic,anyway the quote can be spotted in the picture below.

http://www.graphicnovelreview.com/articles/issue2/images/DuckHeart5.jpg

[Aaron Kashtan]

I have followed Sue's latest pregnancy as closely as if it had been my own.

--Now that's enthusiasm! From a letter by Mary Francis O'Malley, published in Fantastic Four #271.

[tricksterpup]

I just want to say, here is one of my favorites. ITs from a Classic JLA. :)

[Schmakt]

Comic-book collecting which started as a nice nostalgic hobby is in some danger of becoming an overpriced, overcommercialized transaction

The World of Fanzines (1974)


I have known many adults who have treasured throughout their lives some of the books they read as children. I have never come across any adult or adolescent who had outgrown comic-book reading who would ever dream of keeping any of these 'books' for any sentimental or other reason.

Dr. Fredric Wertham - Seduction of the Innocent (1954)

both obtained from this (http://art-bin.com/art/awertham.html) reprinting of an article from Amazing Heroes in 1987.

EDIT: TricksterPup, that is absolutely hilarious. :)

[Aaron Kashtan]

(Dragon has just been conscripted into service to replace Santa Claus, who has gone missing.)


DRAGON: This doesn't make a damned bit of sense! It's impossible to bring gifts to every kid in one night! Hell, it takes forever to get across the country much less the whole blamed planet! And if you have to stop to drop off toys--
ELF: There aren't that many good boys and girls! And don't forget, Dragon-- magic! Magic makes everything possible!
DRAGON: Then why not use your magic to find your boss, or make packages magically appear beneath people's Christmas trees?
ELF: Well, maybe not everything...

[Aaron Kashtan]

I can't go on like this-- losing a billion dollars a minute! I'll be broke in 600 years!

--Uncle Scrooge, from "The Magic Hourglass" (Four Color #291), dialogue by Carl Barks.

If I did the arithmetic correctly, Scrooge has 315 quintillion, 360 quadrillion dollars and sixteen cents.

[Aaron Kashtan]

COP: You're sending an unarmed man [Donald] to fight Mr. McDuck's worst enemies?
GYRO: Donald will have his own brains to outwit them!
COP: That's what I said-- an unarmed man!

From "The Dream of a Lifetime," Uncle Scrooge #329, dialogue by Don Rosa.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Poppa needs a leetle heet of zee vin rouge.

--An angry Napoleon Bonaparte, from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (dialogue by Evan Dorkin).

[yonoid]

Strong Guy : "Juggernaut? Ha! He's a lightweight! Exodus? Shrug him off like water off a duck!"

Nightcrawler : "What about the Impossible Man?"

Strong Guy : "That green alien pesty guy? Him, I'll need help with."

From X-Force #38

[Brad Curran]

Some guy: I don't believe there are people out there. In Genesis, it says God created the firmament. It doesn't say anything about him putting people in it. If you think there are people up there, explain why they have never contacted us.
Eddie Campbell: There are people in the next street who have never contacted us!!
From Little Italy by, well, Eddie Campbell

[Aaron Kashtan]

COLUMBIA PROFESSOR: I isolate proteins in cancer cells and compare them to proteins in healthy cells. In short, I'm trying to cure cancer. And what did you say you do?
ARTIE SIMEK: Ummm... Uh, I letter comic books.

--Fantastic Four: Unstable Molecules #4, dialogue by James Sturm.

[Gaz]

(Please correct me, this is from memory)

"Speak of the devil... and the devil, he shall appear."
- Kang the Conqueror, showing villains everywhere how to make a fashionably late entrance work wonders for your image, Young Avengers #3, dialogue by Allan Heinberg.

[Aaron Kashtan]

BATMAN: And who sent you, may I ask?
THUG: We can't tell you. He'd kill us!
BATMAN: Your choice, gentlemen! Tell me! Or I'll kill you!

--A simple but effective threat. From Detective Comics #29, reproduced at http://dialbforblog.com.

[Aaron Kashtan]

The guy obviously wants to do comics badly but isn't talented enough to actually do them.

--From a one-star review of Understanding Comics on Amazon.com.

[Aaron Kashtan]

MARK: But what if this [letter] is for real? Gemma might really be going to do a Madame Bovary...
WIZZY: What? Take arsenic? She'd better bloody not - she's doing my table decorations!

--Posey Simmonds, Gemma Bovery.

[Aaron Kashtan]

You will cast an Ectothere-spell that will cover every food distribution center... a spell causing all who eat the food to become weak, indifferent, and easily conquered!

--I include this quote only because, when I read it, I realized that I must have eaten some of that food for lunch today. From Magnus Robot Fighter #21, dialogue by Russ Manning.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Aye, Thor be the son of Odin-- yet something more doth Thor be also-- Thor be God of Thunder!

--I can't look at this sentence without cracking up. From Thor #196, dialogue by a very young and inexperienced Gerry Conway.

[Mike Kuypers]

And to think this man went on to write for Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. :)

[Aaron Kashtan]

You've got nothing to be ashamed of. My knees weaken when I look at you.

--Kory to Dick, in the context of why Earthlings have such a hang-up about being naked, New Teen Titans #71 (script by Marv Wolfman).

[Aaron Kashtan]

LETTER WRITER: And lastly, when is my torturous thirst for Chemical King [...], absent for about 100 issues now, going to be slated?
EDITOR: [...]Chemical King will be back in #227, in a story entitled "To War No More."

--An exchange from the letter column of Superboy #225. I don't expect that this fan was very satisfied with #227, given that Chemical King died in that issue.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Continuing with the Legion lettercolumn theme:


I don't think there is enough romance in the Legion. The Legionnaires always seem so serious. Since they are teenagers, they must go on some dates. -Nancy Scott, Stuart, Fla.

(Sure they go on dates - especially Triplicate Girl, who sometimes goes on three at a time! -Ed.)

--From the letter column of Adventure Comics #329. Forty years later, that last statement would be confirmed in Legion of Super-Heroes vol. 5 #3.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In their famous/infamous book How to Read Donald Duck, one of Ariel Dorfman's examples is the panel from "Lost in the Andes" where Huey, Dewey and Louie say "We'll teach them square dancing!" But they used a Chilean translation of this story, in which the translator completely mangled the original line, apparently to create a square pun that would work in Spanish. When translated back into English from Dorfman and Mattelart's translation, the line becomes:


We will teach them to stand to attention before their superiors.

[Aaron Kashtan]

When Tara is at last satisfied with Morgan's skill with a blade, they resume their interrupted journey...

-- That double entendre can't have been accidental. Warlord #1, dialogue by Mike Grell.

[drnocturne2]

I just want to say, here is one of my favorites. ITs from a Classic JLA. :)
Maybe its the bikini briefs?
:D :D
See post #57 page 4.

[drnocturne2]

From Batman #1, the first Catwoman story:
Batman grabs Selina and rubs her face to remove a disguise.
Selina: Let go of me!
Batman: Quiet or Papa spank!

[drnocturne2]

From All-Star Comics #37 page 5 panel 5.
The Justice Society must disperse to fight the Injustice Society.
Green Lantern: Hawkman covers the west, Mid-Nite south, Central U.S.A. for the Flash, I'll take the north myself, and Wonder Woman and Johnny Thunder hold the fort here.
Johnny Thunder: Aw, I never have any fun!
Wonder Woman: Johnny, I have a feeling there'll be plenty of action for us, too!

[drnocturne2]

From All-American Comics #61.
Green Lantern walks all the way across town to rescue his friend Doiby Dickles. As he prepares for action he remembers, "My ring! I haven't got it!"

[drnocturne2]

From Giant-Size Master of Kung Fu #1:
Shang Chi is entering a building.
Security Guard: Hey kid, why don't you wear some shoes?
Shang Chi: Why do you fear touching the earth? Does not the concrete separate you from it enough?

[drnocturne2]

From Weird Adventure Comics #435:
Reporter Earl Crawford is investigating a series of bizarre deaths of murderers, when he is kidnapped himself. The Spectre comes alive out of a candle flame to rescue him and dispense more Spectre-like justice.
Crawford: M-my God! Y-you've turned him into...into...a block of wood! Oh (gasp!) n-no! N-not the saw! Y-you're not going to use the saw!

[LordEd1976]

"Only two things staunch the flow of blood.

Time.... and Fire.

I have No Time."

-Snakes-Eye narrating as he blasts himself in the face with a flamethrower to cauterize a sword wound in Transfomers/GIJoe

"Oh my God! The Parasite has split Captain Atom open! HE'S SPLIT HIM OPE-"

-WKEY camera-man's last words before kaboom in Kingdom Come

"Tell them they're already DEAD. They just haven't fallen DOWN yet."
-Deadshot's message for the Inner Circle of the Society in Villains United.

"I am from Beyond! Slay your enemies and all you desire shall be yours! Nothing you dream of is impossible for me to accomplish!"
-The Beyonder intorducing himself in Secret Wars I #1

[Aaron Kashtan]

In their famous/infamous book How to Read Donald Duck, one of Ariel Dorfman's examples is the panel from "Lost in the Andes" where Huey, Dewey and Louie say "We'll teach them square dancing!" But they used a Chilean translation of this story, in which the translator completely mangled the original line, apparently to create a square pun that would work in Spanish. When translated back into English from Dorfman and Mattelart's translation, the line becomes:

I looked at the Spanish version of How to Read Donald Duck today, and now I understand how the error came about. The line was translated as something like "Les ensenaremos a cuadrarse enfrente de sus gobernantes" or something like that. Apparently "cuadrarse" means both "to make a square of oneself" and "to stand at attention." So the original translator did a nice job of creating a square pun that worked in Spanish. When it was retranslated the pun was completely lost.

[yonoid]

[From Fantastic Four #280]

Johnny: Wow! Those colors are really something else! Looks like the set for a Michael Jackson video.

Reed: Perhaps. But those colors have a far sinister meaning, lad.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Speaking of new fathers named Scott, this is in reference to Scott’s desire to continue leading the X-Men despite having a newborn baby:


MADELYNE: What about me? I have a life of my own-- a career-- do you expect me to chuck it?!
SCOTT: I thought the baby changed all that.

--Scott Summers, champion of gender equality. From Uncanny X-Men #201, dialogue by Chris Claremont.

[theflyingfrogunderdog]

Tiger Shark: Go ahead Namor...kill me like they're all shouting!

Subby: A throne comes not without a price...a price which any who would sit upon it...must pay!

Tiger Shark: Y-you missed me...on purpose!

Subby: Ay, fallen one...for to Namor, no prize is worth the cost...of a single human life!

-Sub-Mariner #6; Oct. 1968

[LordEd1976]

Cause I'm feeling a little morbid, here are some lines regarding characters about to kick the bucket

"Hey Gary, can I make a suggestion? You could all EAT LEAD AND DIE!" (massive gunfire)
-Scourge, just before killing 18 supervillains at the Bar with No Name in Captain America #319

"You turn in battle girl? That is a fatal mistake."
-The Anti-Monitor just before delivering the killing blow to Supergirl in Crisis on Infinite Earths #7

Coil Trooper: "Well, well, any last words?"
Flash: "Yeah....Mission Accomplished"
(explosion)
the Joes Flash, and Mainframe getting caught by enemy troops seconds before a bomb they set goes off in GIJoe (devil's due) #25

Power Ring: "Ultraman WAIT! What are you doing?"
Ultraman: "What I have done my entire life. I fight to the very end!"
Earth-3's Ultraman going out with diginity and some ironic heroism in Crisis on Infinite Earths #1

"My armor's powered by a four-dimensional battery, Yeah? The only thing that stops the energy from erupting to 3-D space with a destructove force greater than any weapon known on Earth....is a little fader switch on my belt. And guess what I just did?"
Azteka sacrificing herself to help bring down Darkseid's dark future in JLA #14

[Aaron Kashtan]

(This scene takes place in a drugstore.)


LYNDA: Excuse me,

WOMAN: Yes?

LYNDA: I'm a teacher, well actually I'm a volunteer teacher because actually I'm an artist and I love kids but I don't have kids so I volunteer teach and you know how kids get headlice well now I have headlice so what do you recommend?

WOMAN: Oh, I don't work here, dear.

--From Lynda Barry's One! Hundred! Demons! Who among us has not had an experience like this?

[LordEd1976]

(This scene takes place in a drugstore.)



--From Lynda Barry's One! Hundred! Demons! Who among us has not had an experience like this?

Oh yeah. And I've been on both ends. (remind me never to wear red shirt to Target ever again.)

[Aaron Kashtan]

SUPERMAN IMPOSTOR: Please, Superman... you've kept me imprisoned here for a year! Either free me or kill me!
SUPERMAN: All right... I'll kill you!

--Superman really is a dick, isn't he? From the cover of Superman #225.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Light Lass's real name is Alya Ranzz.

--A blatantly erroneous footnote from Superboy #222. How did the writer, the editor and the letterer all manage to miss this?

[joe bloke]

" That's a big fucking snake. "

Jesse Custer. Underworld. Preacher. # 31.

[Kirayoshi]

"About time."
--Logan, looking at Peter and Kitty when the couple enter the kitchen for breakfast, following their having consumated their love the night before. (AXM #14)

Booster Gold vs. the Royal Flush Gang (Justice League #4):
Ten: You wouldn't hit a lady, would you?
Booster: Well, y'see, it's like this--{WHAM!}Where I come from, equality of the sexes is a given, so we can hit anyone.

[Ronnigon]

Here are two of my favorite lines uttered anywhere, anytime...

They're written by Warren Ellis, in Ultimate Extinction #4, as they kick the holy living shit out of the evil silver alien, "Paul Maitreya":

Mahr-vell, to Captain America: "Captain, do you have a thing about kicking people when they're down?"

Captain America, to Mahr-vell: "No, Captain -- I always figured that was the best time to kick 'em."



:D :D :D

[karaokefanboy]

I picked up a lot of obscure books at the Con from the Silver and Bronze Ages, the gold mine for crazy quotes, especially out of context. Here's one of my latest favorites from "Forbidden Worlds" #135:

"I'm Magicman – I've got muscles and I've got strong magic! What can beat that combination?" -- Magicman

KaraokeFanboy
acomicaday.blogspot.com (http://acomicaday.blogspot.com)

[Aaron Kashtan]

On being offered a job by the wizard Atalis, Conan says:


I am alone and jobless in an enemy land... and your master has picked me from ten thousand warriors to offer me gold. What do you think? Let's go!

But later, when Conan and Atalis are discussing a mystic talisman that Conan happened to find:


CONAN: Then you chose me-- because I was the one wearing this so-called Heart [of Tammuz]?
ATALIS: And how else would we know aught of a homeless adventurer from the barren north?

That can't have been good for Conan's ego. From Conan the Barbarian #30, dialogue by Roy Thomas.

[Aaron Kashtan]

I'll tell you everything! Just don't let the kid hit me again.

--A captured assassin, referring to Jotaro. From Usagi Yojimbo #64.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Later in the same issue, Usagi and his companions arrive at an inn. Accompanying them is a merchant whom they had saved from being assassinated, after all the merchant's guards had fled or been killed.


INNKEEPER: I am sorry, but we cannot accommodate you tonight, sirs. There is another inn further down the road. This entire establishment has been reserved by Merchant Kojima and his entourage.
MERCHANT KOJIMA: I am Merchant Kojima.
INNKEEPER: My, your party is much smaller than we expected.

[theflyingfrogunderdog]

"WHILE, IMPRISONED WITHIN THE DREAD DIMENSION KNOWN AS THE NEGATIVE ZONE, MAR-VELL'S "ALTER EGO", RICK JONES, FEELS HIS LAST CHANCE TO EVER AGAIN SEE THE SUN OF HIS POSITIVE-UNIVERSE PLANET SLOWLY, SLOWLY PASS WITH EACH SECOND...



















AND FRANKLY, RICK DOESN'T DIG IT!" -Captain Marvel #35 :p

[Aaron Kashtan]

I think we took the wrong bus, gang. This place sure doesn't look like Cleveland. All the insects in the air-- the overgrown jungle--! On second thought, maybe this is Cleveland.

--Bobby Drake on arriving at Krakoa. From Giant-Size X-Men #1, dialogue by Len Wein.

[Aaron Kashtan]

RECRUITER, addressing a large group of soldiers: Whoever wants to join Groo's army take one step forward!

(All the soldiers run off in various directions, except for one who remains.)

RECRUITER, to the one remaining soldier: Well, at least you have some semblance of courage!
SOLDIER: What?
RECRUITER: I said, well, at least you have some...
SOLDIER: What?
RECRUITER: Oh no! This will go down in history! It will be a bad joke told forever in infantile stories about the military!
SOLDIER: What?

--From Groo the Wanderer #13, dialogue by M.E.

[Roquefort Raider]

After villagers tries to reward him for saving them by offering him an underage girl, Conan manages to be chivalrous and decline while retaining his tough guy image:


"Virgins are boring".

from Savage sword of Conan #160, by Jim Owlsey (Christopher Priest).

[Aaron Kashtan]

GIL: We have a new comic, Genna. It's about a strong but violent superhero!
GENNA: That is not a new comic book!

--From The Mighty Magnor #1, dialogue by M.E.

[Aaron Kashtan]

I don't know from alliteration or simile, but if you lazy little loafers don't get to school, I'll peel you like spuds!

--Donald to the three nephews. From "Metaphorically Spanking," Walt Disney's Comics and Stories #531, dialogue by Don Rosa.

[Aaron Kashtan]

You'll never know how happy your decision made me! ... Well, yes, you will.

--Sharon Carter on Steve Rogers's decision to quit being Cap. From Captain America #178, dialogue by Steve Englehart.

[Aaron Kashtan]

When MJ asks Peter why he's accepting money to act as a mobster's bodyguard, Peter explains:


It'll take me a while until I can afford to get a new apartment big enough for both of us on a teacher's salary, and get you out of this-- five-star hotel the Manhattan Register is giving you while you're here shooting their cover.

From Amazing Spider-Man #52 (493), dialogue by J. Michael Straczynski.

[Aaron Kashtan]

SUPERMAN: Who'd you expect after you set off your signal watch-- George Foreman?
CAPTION: But in the time it has taken the Man of Steel to deliver a bad line [...]

--An example of why I really like Elliot S! Maggin's prose style. From Superman #274.

[Aaron Kashtan]

BLASTAAR: Blastaar is supreme! Blastaar is all-powerful! I will not let mere humans defeat me! I will not let you... let you... [smiles evilly]... !... I will not let you hurl the [Cosmic] Control Rod into the atomic disintegrator!
SUE: ...Atomic disintegrator...?
BLASTAAR: Yes! I see now that is your goal! Stealing the rod, using it against me, these are not enough! You mean to annihilate it!
JOHNNY: [taking rod from Sue] By tossing it in there? Hey, thanks a bunch, Blastie! You do have a way of making life easier!
SUE: Johnny! Johnny, wait! I don't trust...
JOHNNY: What's to trust, sis? If big bad Blastaar is that eager to stop us tossin' his toy in there... then in it goes!
BLASTAAR: Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Fool! Fool of a fool! You have signed your own death warrant!

--Johnny has done some pretty stupid things, but this one-- following the instructions of a villain, when a five-year-old child could have seen that the villain was trying to trick him-- really takes the cake. From Fantastic Four #289, dialogue by John Byrne.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Mr. Stark isn't here now. He's off at some drinkin' party.

--Kevin O'Brien, answering Marianne Rogers's phone call for Tony. From Iron Man #40, dialogue by Merry Gerry Conway.

(Tony was actually not at a party, and anyway, I suspect that "drinkin'" might be meant as a term of intensification, and not in the literal sense. Still, at one point in Tony's career, a "drinkin' party" would have been a likely place to find him.)

[Aaron Kashtan]

CAPTION: Clea sinks to the floor, still warmed by the afterglow of love.
CLEA: He is so much a man, little rabbit... so much.

--Yes, this was actually approved by the Code in 1974. From Dr. Strange #1, script by Steve Englehart.

[benday-dot]

What a fortuitous coincidence Sir Tim. Because everytime I happen to be thumbing through my Doctor Strange comics, which happens with great frequency, since in all their vicissitudes, I seem to have more of his titles than any others, I cannot help but go the next step and pull this issue from which you quote, open it up, and feast on its pages all over again. So I found myself just this past weekend casually encountering your quotation once more.

And yeah, my thoughts were your thoughts.... Sometimes Englehart seemed on occasion a little too caught up in the heat of his 70's tantric love trip thing, and managed to slip a dubious phrase or two past the comic watchdogs.

Such might have been the case here with his evocation of Clea's post coital bliss. Anyway the line you quote always made me fall rather heavily for Strange's sexy disciple. But I've probably said too much already.:o

[Aaron Kashtan]

And yeah, my thoughts were your thoughts.... Sometimes Englehart seemed on occasion a little too caught up in the heat of his 70's tantric love trip thing, and managed to slip a dubious phrase or two past the comic watchdogs.

He wasn't the only one... see this post (http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showpost.php?p=2724274&postcount=77) from earlier in this thread.

By coincidence, I was just reading the Wikipedia article about Lady and the Tramp. According to Wikipedia, this was Disney's only animated movie to feature a suggested sex scene, and it came out when the Hays Code was still in effect. Apparently the suggested sex was permitted because the characters involved were dogs. :)

[Aaron Kashtan]

The assumption that human beings will always follow out the logic of their character to the limit is one of the worst elements in the comic books, and is pretty widespread in them. If a man is a burglar, he will not hesitate to commit murder; and if he is going to commit murder, he is often as likely to think of boiling his victim in oil as of shooting him. [...] This kind of "logic" may seem very proper to children. When [my son] Paul was about four or five, a baby-sitter read him the story of Bluebeard. I was a little disturbed when he mentioned this to me the next morning and I tried to probe his reactions.

I said something like "An exciting story, eh?"

"Oh, yes," said Paul.

"That Bluebeard was quite a nasty character, wasn't he?" I said.

"Oh, I don't know," said Paul.

"What do you mean you don't know? Didn't he try to murder his wife?"

"Well," said Paul, "he told her not to look in that closet."

--From Robert Warshow's article "Paul, the Horror Comics, and Dr. Wertham," from the June 1954 issue of Commentary.

[Aaron Kashtan]

What in the name of Marx and Lenin--?

--A crewman on a Soviet submarine. From Sub-Mariner #25, dialogue by Roy the Boy.

[Aaron Kashtan]

CAPTION: Elsewhere in the vast citadel, a rendezvous... Dream Girl and Star Boy...
DREAM GIRL: What do you feel like doing tonight, Thom?
STAR BOY: You don't need your future-forecasting power to figure out the answer to that one, Nura!

(Next panel: Cosmic Boy is on monitor duty. Sun Boy enters the room.)

SUN BOY: How're things going?
COSMIC BOY: Hey there, Sun Boy! According to these monitors, couldn't be duller!

(Next panel: The monitor shows Thom and Nura making out.)

SUN BOY: Hey-hey-hey, Cosmic Boy! Things are looking up on screen #3!
COSMIC BOY: Guess they don't know they're on-camera...

--Teenage sexual activity and voyeurism, all in a wholesome Code-approved comic from 1976! From Superboy #218, dialogue by Cary Bates.

[ACertainMrDoe]

I just finished reading X-Men issue #108 in Marvel Essential X-Men.
This issue is pencilled by John Byrne.

At the bottom of the last panel, there is the inscription:

"This book is dedicated with respect and admiration to Dave Cockrum -- Who helped make the dream a reality."
And below:
"I'm not dead -- Dave Cockrum"

How utterly true. People like him never die.

[Aaron Kashtan]

DUKE: ...And call the labor ministry. We're going to need scabs to serve lunch after the ceremony.
[B]HONEY: That won't be necessary, sir. I settled the kitchen worker strike last night.
DUKE: You did? Now, that's the best news I've had all week! Good work, Honey!
HONEY: Thank you, sir. I wonder if you'd like to go through the list of today's honorary degree recipients.
DUKE: Sure, why not? Let's see... Paul Lumiere. Jean Genot. Pierre Berger. Adrienne D'Arcy. Impressive line-up, Honey!
HONEY: Yes, sir.
DUKE: Who the hell are they?
HONEY: The kitchen staff.

--From an '80s Doonesbury strip. Dialogue by Garry Trudeau.

[Jake Lockley]

Vision: Your time has come, Janet van Dyne! And there is nothing you can do... to stay your fate!

Wasp: No--No! It's some sort of unearthly, inhuman vision! And that voice... like something from beyond the grave!

From Avengers #57, the Vision's debut scripted by the Rascally One.

[Aaron Kashtan]

You sometimes have to ignore what your friends say and do what's good for them!

--From the Starman story in Adventure Comics #478, dialogue by Paul Levitz. Why is this quote interesting? Because Steve Ditko drew this story, and it seems like he would vehemently disagree with this sentiment.

[Rob Allen]

Joan of Arc: "I don't understand why, with the portal to heaven open and paradise within your grasp, you didn't just step right through!"

Harry Houdini: "What? And give up show biz?!"


- the concluding panels of Daring Escapes #4, script by Tom Orzechowski and Andy Grossberg, art by Alan Weiss and Jim Fern.

[icctrombone]

Issue # 211 V.1

Moondragon has mentally manipulated various heroes to go to the Avengers mansion in order to “audition” for membership . After a short fracas , Jocasta senses that She is behind all of the conflict . When the fighting stops , Hawkeye turns to leave the mansion :

Moondragon : You may go Hawkeye ! I sense that your correct path leads away from the Avengers …for now.

Hawkeye : Baldy , if your so hot why couldn’t you figure that out without dragging me across town ?

[Aaron Kashtan]

MR. BEMIS: Get in here, Bill! I want to talk to you! You punched in seven minutes late. I'm docking you an hour's pay, and it better not happen again... or else!
BILL: Oh, yeah? I've got news for you, Mr. Bemis. I've got a new job offer with a real future... at twice the money!
MR. BEMIS: Hah! Anybody'd be crazy to pay you that much!
BILL: That's what you think! I've been learning electronics in my spare time at home from CIE... and now I can take my pick of good jobs!
MR. BEMIS: You gotta be kidding! You? In electronics?
BILL: Yes! Now I've got a career. CIE made it easy. So good-by to you and your crummy job!

--"The day Bill told off his boss," one of my favorite comic book ads ever, appearing in DC comics around August 1973.

[LUXXXCORP]

*choke* Good Lord!

or is it

Good Lord! *choke*

:confused:

[Aaron Kashtan]

The conifers are conferring.

--From Abe: Wrong for All the Right Reasons by Glenn Dakin.

[Aaron Kashtan]

(After Nick and his boss Boris get done with work for the day...

BORIS: Nick, you have, eh, somewhere to go now?
NICK: Uh, not really. Why? Do you need me for something?
BORIS: No, no. I go to whorehouse. You come?

--From Tricked by Alex Robinson. The funny part is Boris's completely deadpan expression (oh, and the rest of the page makes it clear that he really is going to a whorehouse).

[Aaron Kashtan]

You're saying you think you passed on your bat-like hearing to [your daughter] Rebecca! Impossible! Acquired characteristics can't be inherited!

--Superman to Kirk Langstrom, from DC Comics Presents #35. This might be the only comic book I've ever read which acknowledges that acquired characteristics cannot be inherited (although Kirk does go on to give a pseudo-scientific explanation of how it could have happened anyway). Most comic book writers just ignore this inconvenient scientific fact.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Call me sentimental, but if my cousin died and my aunt and uncle did not know about it yet, I would not break the news to them by carrying the corpse into the living room.

--T.M. Maple, LOC published in Superman #418.

[adam_warlock_2099]

Dialouge box --


I can't hear her anymore. The "back-up", the mutant guard was asking for ...? ... just showed up. All anybody can hear now is screams. But as the three of us start to float away ... ... I can see her face. I'll remember it for the rest of my life.

-- Generation Next #4

[Aaron Kashtan]

Tu es folle, mademoiselle! Celui homme es... un loup garou -- the werewolf!

--Peut-etre je n'ai jamais vu une pire traitement du langage francais. From Werewolf by Night #16.

[Aaron Kashtan]

JUBALI: When we approach these guards, Cimmerian, you must talk and act like a woman.
CONAN: What? That's no thing I will be good at...

-- He's a barbarian and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day... From Conan the Barbarian #262, dialogue by Roy Thomas.

[Aaron Kashtan]

SPIDER-MAN: I think we can make beautiful music together!
TIGRA: I don't play any instruments!
SPIDER-MAN: Then how about a nice dinner -- followed by some cozy snuggling in a web-hammock made for two?

--Yes, he actually said that (and she declined, obviously). From Marvel Team-Up #125, dialogue by J.M. DeMatteis.

[Aaron Kashtan]

BEN: Wow! Lookit that bozo! Dino deLaurentis could save a fortune, if he just had a Polaroid.
JOHNNY: Never mind the "in"-jokes!

--It's still funny even if you don't know who Dino deLaurentis is! A little fictional self-awareness from Fantastic Four #171, dialogue by Roy Thomas.

[benday-dot]

Superman to cousin SuperGirl:

"If I ever did marry... it would be to some one super and lovable like... you! We can't marry because we're cousins! Though cousins can marry in certain countries here on earth... We're both from the planet Krypton, where the marriage of cousins was unlawful!"

Action Comics #289, June '62

Superman utters this sketchy bit of dialogue with some real longing in his eyes, but I like the way the books writer, the hero's creator Jerry Seigel, puts in that little qualifier clause "though cousins can marry in certain countries here on earth." It's hard to say if this is Superman's way of excusing some inpure thoughts, or if it's a worried DC editorial effort not to alienate any potential young comic book readers who might also happen to be kissin' cousins.

It's like those situations where one goes "I think they might be gay... not that there is anything wrong with that!"

BTW... the Curt Swan cover on this book is gorgeous.

[Aaron Kashtan]

That's kind of a lame excuse. If they did get married, who would have prosecuted them for violating Kryptonian law?

[benday-dot]

That's kind of a lame excuse. If they did get married, who would have prosecuted them for violating Kryptonian law?

You know Supes though, he'd probably end up prosecuting himself if he ever felt was playin' around on the wrong side of the law.

[MDG]

Superman to cousin SuperGirl:

"If I ever did marry... it would be to some one super and lovable like... you! We can't marry because we're cousins! Though cousins can marry in certain countries here on earth... We're both from the planet Krypton, where the marriage of cousins was unlawful!"

"I just want a lovable girl... as long as she's super!" Kind've narrows down the pool a bit.

MDG

[Aaron Kashtan]

JOHNNY STORM: It all started when I asked the Thing to be best man at my wedding...
SPIDER-MAN: Wha -- whoa, back up! You're getting married? YOU?!?

--An entirely sensible question. From Fantastic Four #299, dialogue by Roger Stern.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Tigra is conversing with Grigar the Balkatar, one of the Cat People:


GRIGAR: [...] Whether you are one of us or not, you remain a female, and it is our nature to please females!
TIGRA: Nothing will please me till my life gets settled!
GRIGAR: Oh, I doubt that -- not if you have any part of us within you!
TIGRA: Well... I suppose you're right! Cats' moods do come and go--!
GRIGAR: Surely! And the rocks are warm to the touch beneath our golden glowsphere! Why cling to these darker thoughts when we can loll in the light?
TIGRA: Do you do a lot of lolling here?
GRIGAR: When I can!

...and a suggested sex scene ensues.

Personally, I never realized what "lolling" was a euphemism for. From West Coast Avengers #6 (I think), dialogue by Steve Englehart.

[Aaron King]

TIGRA: Nothing will please me till my life gets settled!
GRIGAR: Oh, I doubt that -- not if you have any part of us within you!

Not to make this any dirtier, but which part is Grigar talking about here?

Man, Steven Englehart is weird sometimes.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Continuing with the theme of Englehart and weird sexual euphemisms...


Hal Jordan, you listen to me! I know the beating you took from the Predator hurt your pride as well as your body -- but you've spent almost all the time since you quit being Green Lantern chasing him instead of me!

--Carol Ferris to Hal, in Green Lantern #190. What is "chasing" supposed to mean in this context?

[Aaron Kashtan]

You thought you'd beaten me, Supie -- but that's one option that won't be renewed! I'm gonna tune in on your brain -- and stay tuned... till I short-circuit its electrical impulses! I'll keep up my brain-drain until your mind's a vast wasteland (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wasteland_Speech)--

--Blackrock delivers one silly TV-related pun after another, from Superman #315, dialogue by Martin Pasko.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Dr. Doom: I require accommodations for a few days! Nothing too elaborate! The royal suite will suffice!
Hotel clerk: B-but, excellency... it's occupied!
Doom: Do you know why men call me Doom?
Clerk: T- the suite will be vacated at once!

--From Astonishing Tales #4, dialogue by Larry Lieber.

[Mr Omnis]

Spectre?! Save me! That want to make me pope!


--From The Spectre, v3, #21. Said by the Reverend Richard Craemer

[Aaron Kashtan]

Here's the real threat -- an optic detonator designed to paralyze your optic nerves [...]

--From Legion of Super-Heroes vol. 2 #259, dialogue by Gerry Conway. Why is this interesting? Because this weapon actually affects Wildfire, who has no optic nerves. Which is only one of the numerous silly things about this story.

[Aaron Kashtan]

ELSBETH: Ronald... I want you to know... I can't stay with you any longer.
RONALD: Elsbeth, you are insipid. Go clean the bathroom.

--Obviously, these people are not candidates for Married Couple of the Year. From Man-Thing #21, dialogue by Steve Gerber.

[benday-dot]

--Obviously, these people are not candidates for Married Couple of the Year. From Man-Thing #21, dialogue by Steve Gerber.

Damn... I remember that dialogue! Thanks Sir Tim. When I first got back into comics a few years back it was through Gerbers Man-Thing and Defenders. Reading those series made me appreciate the funny books a whole level that was absent from when I just was into wham-bam supheroics as a kid.

[Aaron Kashtan]

The witches' magic words throughout the issue [Groo #59] can be unscrambled to spell out things like, "Mark has been up all night writing Garfield stories" and "Mark is fed up with switching cheese dip for lasagna" and "Boy, I wish I could go to bed." Yeah, I remember that night...

--From Mark Evanier's commentary in the letters page of Groo #79. Yeah, I've had nights like that too.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Are you preparing to flee in defeat, overrated one?

--Apparently the excessive use of the word "overrated" is not a new phenomenon. From Avengers #6, dialogue by Stan the Man.

[Aaron Kashtan]

[Ben] and May were like mother and father to me, after my parents died.

--Not in that order, I hope! From Spectacular Spider-Man #50, dialogue by Roger Stern.

[GoldenAge]

Robin: "Skip it, Bruce! I guess there's a little ham in all of us!"

[Aaron Kashtan]

RUBY RYDER: We were going to be married... secretly... this week!
BATMAN: He must be quite a man -- you swore no male would ever possess or dominate you!
RUBY RYDER: Kyle changed all that! I'd gladly be his slave -- forever!

--Marriage is the same thing as slavery, apparently. From Brave and the Bold #95, dialogue by Bob Haney.

[Aaron Kashtan]

HOWARD: Could I take a step sideways? You know, avoid the cosmic axis altogether, and never even leave my homeworld?
GOD: What -- and waddle through a typical middle-class existence, forever in debt to some rich uncle, cloaca-whipped by an unappreciative girlfriend, and saddled with custody of your junkie sister's four brats? I'm sure you know ducks who live like that, Howard.

--We all know some ducks like that, though I'm confused as to why it's four brats, instead of three. From Howard the Duck (2002 series) #6, dialogue by Steve Gerber.

[shaxper]

--We all know some ducks like that, though I'm confused as to why it's four brats, instead of three. From Howard the Duck (2002 series) #6, dialogue by Steve Gerber.

Perhaps he was including Webagail from the animated series?

[MDG]

Perhaps he was including Webagail from the animated series?
Or, so in case Disney's lawyers called, he could say, "What do you mean? I didn't mean Donald! I was talking about a duck with four nephews."

[benday-dot]

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #92, in which LL is turned into a horse and then a centaur, is fine fodder for the dodgy dialogue:


"Sigh! My days as Superman's girlfriend are over! Since I've been turned into a super-filly, my future is with Superhorse"

(Says a resigned Lois to herself after being put out to pasture with none other than Comet the Superhorse)

And:

From the horselips of randy Comet himself, during his own magical transformation into a human, as he looks with longing at horse Lois gamboling in the fields


"That chestnut filly (Lois) saved my life! She's as smart as she is beautiful. Maybe I ought to saddle her up and..."

[Aaron Kashtan]

(Billy Batson was attempting to get the autograph of his favorite TV star, Jeremy Senshoo, but another kid got his autograph instead.)


KID: Look at this beautiful signature... Jeremy Senshoo!
BILLY: (thinks) I'd give just about anything to get that autograph!
KID: This signature is worth plenty in the autograph market!
BILLY: (thinks) Holy moley - that gives me an idea! (aloud) SHAZAM!

[...]

KID: Captain Marvel! Wh- what brings you here?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: To find out the going rate on autographs! How many signatures of Jeremy Senshoo are worth one of mine?

--This has to be the silliest, most inappropriate use of super powers in comic book history. Luckily it doesn't work. From the last story in Shazam! #12, dialogue by Elliot S! Maggin.

[Brodie Bruce]

" Without my Power Ring I'm super-powerless...except from the waist down!"
Green Lantern ( Hal Jordan )

[Aaron Kashtan]

TANA MOON: [...]I've never met anyone like you...
SUPERBOY: Can you read my mind, Tana? I was just gonna say --
VOICE FROM OFF-PANEL: YOU ZZHALL NOT EZZCAPE ME, HUMANZZ!
SUPERBOY: No, that's not it...

--Doesn't it suck when a romantic conversation is interrupted by a giant monster? From Superboy #10, dialogue by Karl Kesel.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #75, written by Leo Dorfman, an amnesiac Superman executes an innocent family. Then he destroys an army of soldiers rebelling against a tyrannical government, allowing the government's territory to be used for Soviet nuclear bases. In the course of all this, Superman is exposed to gold kryptonite and loses his powers. Sounds pretty grim, huh? Not to worry, because at this point the following caption appears:


Readers: You've heard of a flashback -- a rerun of an action sequence which clarifies a previous event in a story? Well, now, for the first time in comic magazine history, we've given you a flash-forward... a glimpse of the story as it might have happened!

And then the story starts over again from before all the aforementioned horrible things happened.

In all my years of reading comics, I don't think I've ever seen such a ridiculous cop-out.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Steve Trevor was dull and boring and I didn't like him much so I disposed of him.

--Mike Sekowsky's answer to a reader who asked him why he got rid of Steve Trevor, from the letters page of Wonder Woman #195. Brutally honest!

[Aaron Kashtan]

Do you consider what you write to be literature, as opposed to just comics?

--This is just the worst interview question ever. It suggests not only that there's some fundamental difference between comics and literature, but also that literature is somehow better than "just" comics. What makes it still worse is that this interview was done not by a person unfamiliar with comics, but by the editor of a book of comics interviews.

I'm not going to identify the source of this quotation, so as not to embarrass him/her.

[Aaron Kashtan]

As Nightwing, [Dick] Grayson headed up what was then called the New Teen Titans, and forged a relationship with Donna Troy, Wonder Girl, which ended up very, very briefly in marriage.

--From the same book as above. This false statement should have been corrected by an editor.

[Aaron Kashtan]

This series [Teen Titans], which began on the somewhat dubious note of wanting to help all 'teens in trouble,' featured desperately inferior villains and supposedly 'hip' dialogue, penned no doubt by men with only a fleeting memory of their teenage years.

--From a few pages later. That sound you hear is Bob Haney rolling over in his grave.

[Aaron Kashtan]

LEEJA: Oh, Magnus... isn't this a glorious time of the year?
MAGNUS: It is when I'm with--
FLEEING PEOPLE: RUN! RUN! BERSERK ROBOTS! PLAGUE! PLAGUED ROBOTS! THEY'LL KILL US!

--Just when Magnus finally starts acting like a real boyfriend, here come the plagued berserk robots. From Magnus, Robot Fighter #7, dialogue by Russ Manning.

[Aaron Kashtan]

The afternoon is dark. It rains. And Sir Denis Nayland Smith's Stormhaven Castle in England is cleansed in the downpour. But here inside, where it is warm and dry, Leiko and I are cleansed only by the fluid of our exertions...

--As the accompanying images show, this line means that they're practicing martial arts. But you might be forgiven for thinking that they're engaging in, uh, some other indoor activity. From Master of Kung Fu #110, script by Doug Moench.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Simon Stagg is believed to be dead, and Rex and Sapphire are listening to a tape of him reading his own will.


STAGG'S VOICE: To my beloved daughter, Sapphire, I leave the bulk of my estate, valued at some 80 millions...
SAPPHIRE: 80 millions?! Oh, Rex, what a nice round figure!
REX: Yeah, baby, but I like yours better!
STAGG'S VOICE: ...but due to her spendthrift ways and lack of judgment, the money shall be held in trust, and an income paid her of 50,000 per year!
SAPPHIRE: What?! Only 50,000 a year! Why, I can't even clothe myself on that!

--Clearly Stagg knew what he was doing when he put that provision in the will. From the backup story in Action Comics #418, dialogue by Bob Haney.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In the letter column of Teen Titans vol. 1 #5, a reader named Francis Sayre of Syracuse, N.Y. asks the editor what Kid Flash, Aqualad and Wonder Girl's secret identities are. The editor replies:


Only KID FLASH has one. He's Wally Wood, of Blue Valley.

So apparently, at the same time that he was drawing T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, Woody was moonlighting as a teenage superhero.

[Aaron Kashtan]

I just thought instead of getting a letter saying thanks for the sex you'd enjoy getting one saying thanks for the ferret.

--From Jeff Hartman's letter published in Omaha the Cat Dancer #8. No comment.

[The Hope and the Slaughter]

"I swear, Odin, if Patsy Walker dies, I will rip out your one good eye and feed it to the dogs!"

-Moondragon battling Mad Dog and the Mutant Force alongside the Defenders at the wedding of Daimon Hellstrom and Patsy Walker in (New) Defenders #125.

Archangel:You rough-neck little low life creep---I was right about you from the start! The years haven't taught you anything. Can't you get it through your thick skull? Jean's spoken for!

Wolverine: I know the rest flyboy--even if she wasn't she's still too good for the likes of me! (thinking)<Angel-his scent something about it--familiar--pain--sweet mercy the pain>>The heck with that bub--an the heck with you!!

Archangel:Touched a nerve, have I? Here you come, the pipsqueak psycho-killer with bones that can't be broken...and claws that'll cut through anything. Well I have blades too, now shorty. Sharp as yours, and just as deadly. Only mine can be thrown!

From Uncanny X-Men 242 (always loved the conflict between those two)

[Aaron Kashtan]

Jaguars! The gunfire was merely to herd them at me.

--And we all thought that "herding cats" was just a metaphor. From Batman #365, dialogue by Doug Moench.

[Aaron Kashtan]

COSMIC BOY: That beast's teeth are made of green kryptonite... the one substance that can kill Superboy!
BOUNCING BOY: Help him, somebody!

--Not one of Bouncing Boy's prouder moments. (At this point in the story, Chuck himself is in no danger and there's nothing preventing him from helping Superboy.) From Adventure Comics #380, dialogue by Jim Shooter.

[Aaron King]

Dialogue by who?! You're killin' me here.

GCD says it's by Jim Shooter and/or Mort Weisinger.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Dialogue by who?! You're killin' me here.

GCD says it's by Jim Shooter and/or Mort Weisinger.

Oops, sorry. I was so focused on trying to think of a witty remark to make about the quotation that I forgot to mention the name of the scriptwriter.

Well, thanks for being willing to help, unlike Bouncing Boy. :smile:

[Aaron Kashtan]

After the Son of Satan fails in his efforts to interrogate a captured terrorist, it's Luke Cage's turn to get him to talk:


Okay, Mister Charlie -- now you listen close: Either you start rappin' like your life depended on it -- which it does -- or you're gonna have five big, black, hairy knuckles rammed right down your lily-white throat all the way to your belly! You dig?

A highly effective threat, from Defenders #24, dialogue by Steve Gerber.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Hal has just informed Kari Limbo of her beloved Guy Gardner's death.


KARI: Please... hold me! You must hold me!
HAL: I will... for as long as you like!
Caption: Thus, these two are joined in sorrow... deep within himself, Green Lantern feels the stirrings of a long-forgotten tenderness, and he knows the gypsy woman called Kari will be important to him... very, very important...

--Kari hasn't even gotten over the shock of Guy's death, and Hal is already having "stirrings" about her. Sheesh. From Green Lantern #117, dialogue by Denny O'Neil.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In Groo #102, a corrupt "rich boss" hires Groo to break up a strike, but once Groo realizes what he's been hired to do, he refuses to do it. Later in the issue, Groo beats up some warriors who have also been hired to break the strike. The following conversation ensues between Groo and the boss:


BOSS: What is it with you, man? I hired you... and you failed! Now my men hire you and you turn on them! Which side are you on?
GROO: The side of fairness!
BOSS: Oh, against me, are you?

[Aaron Kashtan]

COP #1: Are you sure this is the right place, John?
COP #2: Well, Paul, his gunmen have been seen around here! This is the only abandoned warehouse in this part of the city! And you know how these master-criminal types like to hang out in abandoned warehouses!

--Yay, metatext! From Aquaman #54, dialogue by Steve Skeates.

[Aaron Kashtan]

PIRATE KITTY: Where've you been, y'big galoot? And what about that tentacled thing that grabbed you?
GIANT LOCKHEED: Oh, that. It wuz delicious.

--Mmmm, tentacles. From Nightcrawler #4, dialogue by Dave Cockrum.

[benday-dot]

From the pages of Amazing Adult Fantasy #7.

The exalted and maniacal cry of one of Lee/Ditko's long forgotten misanthropes, from a long line of the famous tandem's long forgotten misanthropes in Marvel's early years:


Good!! Let the bombs drop! Earth was too crowded anyway! Ha ha ha!

Now that is some adult fantasy from a certain Sydney Blake as he enters his exclusive home made bomb shelter in the midst of early 60's cold war atomic bomb paranoia.

[Aaron Kashtan]

VISION: For many months after meeting [Wanda], I fought against my growing affection for her, still considering myself a soulless machine -- but when I learned the truth -- that I had been created to be exactly like a human -- I saw that I could truly be her man --
GYRICH: Enough! I don't want to hear this sort of thing!
VISION: You misunderstand me, Gyrich!

And so does the reader, probably. From Vision and the Scarlet Witch #1, dialogue by Steve Englehart.

[Aaron Kashtan]

[A] massive column of mystic flame solidifies into a towering figure -- whose features vaguely resemble those of Felix Faust -- but whose manner is anything but that of the reformed thamurtage!

--That is a very, very strange way to spell thaumaturge. From Justice League of America #182, dialogue by a confused Gerry Conway.

[Aaron Kashtan]

SASHIA: Admittance to the citadel is forbidden to all male humans, but females -- the more beautiful, the better -- are welcome.

[...]

STORM: Have you a plan, Cyclops?
CYCLOPS:The bare bones of one, Storm. You and Mrs. Richards will infiltrate the citadel and rescue Arkon and the F.F. Kitty, Colossus and I will be your back-up, in case of trouble.

--I'm surprised that Kitty didn't immediately object and ask why she wasn't beautiful or feminine enough to go with Storm and Sue. From X-Men Annual #5, dialogue by Chris Claremont.

[khanshab]

A great t-shirt I saw in the street the other day being worn.

It read: "I've had it up to here with dwarves!"

Thanks

[Aaron Kashtan]

You see, there was an overload at the atomic energy plant just outside Midway... and the only one who could possibly stop it was Dr. Mark Peiken--

-- Shouldn't an atomic energy plant have more than one person on staff who knows how to stop the plant from overloading? Has the Midway City power company never heard of the principle of redundancy? From Detective Comics #467, dialogue by Bob Rozakis.

[Aaron Kashtan]

So have we got news for you! First, the bad news. Dave Cockrum, who was virtually unknown in the field and gained star-artist status only after we gave him the opportunity to do the Legion, has departed.

Now, the good news. Mike Grell, who proved his professionalism via several assignments at DC, will henceforth guide the super-group through its eventful encounters.

--If you know the real story behind why Dave Cockrum quit the title (because DC refused to return the original art for his two-page splash in Superboy #200), then this becomes even more insulting and spiteful than it already is. From the editor's note in Superboy #203, written by someone, presumably Murray Boltinoff, who was too cowardly to sign his name.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Dr. Rogers: Now I'm afraid they intend to kill us [...]
NoMan: Never fear I'll prevent it!

--Because of the lack of a comma after "fear," NoMan's statement means the opposite of what it's supposed to! From T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #4, dialogue by Steve Skeates.

[Aaron Kashtan]

The Wasp is trying to convince the Molecule Man to save the world, rather than just saving himself and his girlfriend and letting the world blow up.


JAN: You aren't really just going to save yourself and let everything else go to pieces, are you?
MOLECULE MAN: The world didn't do a whole heck of a lot for me most of my life!
JAN: But think about it -- ! No more Saks, no more children playing hide and seek, no more sunrises off Cape Cod...

Somehow it seems appropriate that if the world blew up, the thing Jan would miss most would be Saks. From Avengers #266, dialogue by Roger Stern.

[jimmywoo]

"Busy,busy,busy,busy,busy,busy!Busy saying the word 'busy'."

"You know what diet is,don't you? It's DIE with a T.That's what it is."
Said my lovely Garfield.

[Aaron Kashtan]

I could have just shot him, but no! I must lock him in a burning building!

Why?! Why must I have so much style?

--A crime boss laments the failure of his poorly planned (but stylish) attempt to kill Batman. From Batman Adventures #15, dialogue by Kelley Puckett.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In Green Lantern #30, Hal convinces Katma Tui to give up her engagement to Imi Kann, because it conflicts with her duties as a Green Lantern. Subsequently, Hal thinks:


Katma Tui's situation parallels my own on Earth! Does what I told her mean I can never marry Carol Ferris? But Katma is a woman -- and I am a man! Perhaps that will make a difference--!

Dialogue by John Broome, champion of gender equality.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Under the care of the Dalai Lama and his daughter, Templer has recovered...

-- From T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #5, dialogue by an unknown writer, who apparently didn't know that the Dalai Lama is supposed to be celibate.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In Superman #390 (dialogue by Elliot S! Maggin), Clark and Lana are hanging out in Clark's apartment, when...


LANA: What's that noise?
CLARK: It's my, er -- beeper... Perry White's latest angle for keeping tabs on his reporters! May I borrow your phone?

Shockingly, Clark is actually telling the truth... he really does have a beeper, Perry really is calling him, and he is not making up an excuse so he can get away and change to Superman. This is perhaps the only Superman story ever in which Clark gives Lana an excuse for leaving the room, and the excuse turns out to be true!

[Aaron Kashtan]

--A blatantly erroneous footnote from Superboy #222. How did the writer, the editor and the letterer all manage to miss this?

In the same spirit:


Gods of Imsk!

--Said by Phantom Girl, who is from Bgztl, not Imsk, which is where Shrinking Violet is from, in Legion of Super-Heroes #261. This error escaped both writer Gerry Conway and editor Jack C. Harris.

[Aaron Kashtan]

But Carnelian doesn't have any magic powers, so he goes to Earth and other places for weapons! There's hardly any machinery on the Gremworld except for what he's brought back!

-- Apparently they were planning to rename the series Amethyst, Princess of Gremworld. From DC Comics Presents #63, dialogue by Dan Mishkin and Gary Cohn.

[Paul Ware]

"Please let him succeed ... please let him be able to become normal sized again ... please!"

Long before Nightcrawler made it fashionable, Janet Van Dyne offers up a prayer.

From Avengers #32, dialogue by The Man.

[Aaron Kashtan]

WATCHER: Congratulations, Squirrel Girl. By defeating Thanos, you have saved the entire multiverse. I wish I could have helped, but as a Watcher, I am forbidden to interfere.
SQUIRREL GIRL: Hey, that's okay, Uatu. Still, I can't believe that me and Tippy-Toe took out the real Thanos!
WATCHER: Yes, Squirrel Girl, with my cosmic senses I can confirm that that is, in fact, the one, true Thanos, and not a robot, clone or simulacrum.

-- Epic win. From GL X-Mas Special #1, dialogue by Dan Slott.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Bob Kane's art dipped a little, too, from its usual great [...] Art-wise, Bob Kane did not use his most potent "weapon" as much as he could have: shadowing, in which he excels.

--In 1966, people still thought Bob Kane was responsible for Batman. From Guy H. Lillian's letter in Batman #179.

[Aaron Kashtan]

REED: Doom knew more about Frank than I do, Sue! He's spent more time on him than I have! God help me, what kind of a father am I?

--That is actually a really good question. From Fantastic Four Annual #20, dialogue by Steve Englehart.

[Aaron Kashtan]

A couple pages later in the same issue, Doom tells Franklin:


I know your father uses me as a bogeyman for you -- "Eat your turnips or Doctor Doom will get you," he says, perhaps--

Reed really must be a pretty crummy father if he forces his son to eat turnips.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Shortly, a concerned Hawkgirl broods in her kitchen -- from which she was summoned by the emergency call from Police Commissioner Emmett to go out after the butterfly men...

--Because where else would she be, other than the kitchen? The implied sexism here is kind of unusual, given that this story otherwise presents Hawkgirl as a very independent and proactive character. From Justice League of America #41, dialogue by Gardner Fox.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In this scene, Spidey is trying to think of a way to distract the Torch from going after the Lizard.


SPIDEY: (thinks) I've one ace-in-the-hole! He doesn't know the extent of my powers! (aloud) Look, junior... I'll fight you anywhere... and anytime you want to! But first I wanna tell you something!
TORCH: Don't try to stall your way out of it, Charlie!
SPIDEY: It's no stall, big mouth! While under the water, my spider-sonic hearing picked up a distress call... from the Fantastic Four!
TORCH: My partners... in trouble? I'll get back to you some other time!
SPIDEY: Don't hurry, big mouth! (thinks) It worked! For all he knows, I do have underwater spider-sonic hearing... whatever the heck that may be!

--Spidey's backup plan was to tell Johnny that the word "gullible" was written on the ceiling. From Amazing Spider-Man #77, dialogue by Stan Lee.

[Eumenides]

“I arrest you on suspicion of being a body snatcher”


“This gas is harmless, painless, and odourless. It’s only a mild inconvenience”


“He can force a thirst-parched humanity to its knees.”

Comics were so much funnier when Jack Kirby's OMAC was around.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In DC Special Series #11, Wally West says to his dog:


Bad boy, Lightning! Just for this, I'm not going to introduce you to that pretty collie you've been howling about!

--So despite being a superhero, Wally wasn't responsible enough to have his dog fixed? Dialogue by Cary Bates.

[Aaron Kashtan]

SUE: Reed, can we talk? I'm worried we aren't spending enough time with Franklin... it's not healthy...
REED: Incredible! Look, Sue, there's an ion trace leading beyond the Milky Way!

--I rest my case. From Fantastic Four #204, dialogue by Marv Wolfman.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #71, Jimmy gains eight extra lives, and proceeds to engage in all sorts of risky behavior. He then has the following conversation with Lucy Lane:


LUCY: Jimmy, Lois told me all about the terrible chances you're taking! Please don't risk your life so rashly! After all, we're engaged!
JIMMY: (thinks) Not knowing of my extra lives, she's worried about me! (aloud) All right, Lucy, I'll be more careful... if you promise to set the date for our wedding!
LUCY: Jimmy Olsen, if you think you're going to blackmail me by foolishly risking your neck, you're wrong! I'll marry you when you act like an adult! Now, jump off a building, if you want to... I'm going on a date!
JIMMY (thinks) My scheme didn't quite click... but wait till Lucy sees me doing dangerous stunts! She'll be so proud of me she'll beg me to marry her immediately!

Now there's a man who's mature enough to get married! Dialogue by Edmond Hamilton.

[Jamie]

Now there's a man who's mature enough to get married! Dialogue by Edmond Hamilton.

Wait... they were engaged, but she was going on a date? Talk about progressive!

[Aaron Kashtan]

CRYSTAL: I'm not out to ruin your dumb marriage, Johnny!

--Gee, I don't know where Johnny could have gotten that idea! From Fantastic Four #307, dialogue by Steve Englehart.

[gliovampire]

"...somewhere, in the darkness of dreams, abides the other Baghdad (that can never die), and the other eggs of the Phoenix."
Out of Ramadan, The Sandman- by Neil Gaiman

[Aaron Kashtan]

OLD LADY: Cynthia, this is... you know you never did tell me your name, Mr. Super Hero.
RED TORNADO: Men call me... the Red Tornado.
OLD LADY: Men call him the Red Tornado.

--That last line made me LOL. From Detective Comics #493, dialogue by J.M. DeMatteis.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In MARVEL TEAM-UP #23, we published a letter from reader David Lofvers suggesting that the Comics Code Authority be abolished and that we liberalize our standards concerning sex, nudity, violence, and the use of zombies in our four-color comics.

--One of these things is not like the other. From the letters page of Marvel Team-Up #27, author unknown.


Now, sex and violence are a part of life, whether we like it or not (although I can't say the same about zombies).

--Indeed; what's not to like about zombies? From Kenneth Valentine's letter in the same letter column.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Ha! This is glorious! To see my two hated enemies so helpless! I must -- eh? My timer-alarm! That means my powers are due to fade in a few short hours! I could easily kill you in that time... but I must prolong your suffering! Ha! Ha! There'll be other times!

--Obviously the Composite Superman can't be allowed to kill Superman and Batman. But can't he at least not kill them for a more plausible reason? From World's Finest Comics #283, dialogue by Cary Burkett.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Doctor Strange defeats some crooks by making their clothing vanish. He then threatens them:


Leave at once or I'll make more than your pants disappear!

I don't even want to guess what else he would have made disappear. From Doctor Strange #63, dialogue by Carl Potts.

[Billigm]

--A sharp comeback! Tomb of Dracula #37, script by Marv Wolfman.

Amazing!!!
Such a good one
hahahha

[Aaron Kashtan]

A lazy, drifting canopy of clouds wraps the sleepy earth in a soft, thick blanket of down on this cool, fall evening... while above this lulling mantle of peace, sparkling courtiers of stars brightly dance attendance on the queen-moon, beguiling from her hand her golden favor... which sheds a saffron glow of blessing above all...

--This is interesting not just because it's the purplest prose ever, but also because of where it appears. You'd think this was a caption from some sort of romance comic, but it's actually from World's Finest #285, of all things. Script by Cary Burkett.

[MDG]

You'd think this was a caption from some sort of romance comic, but it's actually from World's Finest #285, of all things.
That was during a period when Superman and Batman were getting along particularly well.

[Aaron Kashtan]

That was during a period when Superman and Batman were getting along particularly well.

Yes, in that story they get along so well that the reader suspects they might be, shall we say, more than friends.

[Aaron Kashtan]

I want to take this opportunity to thank Energetic Ed Hannigan -- multi-talented artist, editor and writer -- for his emergency assistance in burning the midnight ganja after a long day at the office [...]

--From David Kraft's afterword in the letters page of Logan's Run #5. I guess the Comics Code wasn't monitoring letters pages?

[Aaron Kashtan]

SUPERBOY: Knockout! I thought you were, like, really hurt!
KNOCKOUT: Don't worry, pup -- most men can't tell when a woman's faking...

--Nice job getting that one past the Code. From Superboy #24, dialogue by Karl Kesel.

[Aaron Kashtan]

You know, Abrahams... I'd been in bed with that woman for the past three months.

--That shows some dedication; most people would have had to get up a few times to eat or use the bathroom. From Nathaniel Dusk #2, dialogue by Don McGregor.

[Aaron Kashtan]

--That shows some dedication; most people would have had to get up a few times to eat or use the bathroom. From Nathaniel Dusk #2, dialogue by Don McGregor.

On the same page, we find the following caption that might have won the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest:


We stood over the Brooklyn Bridge, staring into the East River. I looked for a tugboat. I thought the throaty horn of a tug giving its message to the world would be appropriate. There wasn't a tugboat in sight or horn to be heard. Life is like that sometimes.

[Scott Harris]

I just cracked open Boy Comics #108 and came across a line that just about had me in tears because it's just so incredibly wrong. You may need to be a history buff to fully appreciate this, but these two old buddies are greeting each other and one of them says this:

"Hey, you're getting fat, Stan! I guess you're eating better than those days on Corregidor!"


So many levels of wrong.

[Aaron Kashtan]

FIRE: J'onn, I'm sorry I snapped at you back there...
J'ONN: No apologies needed. We've all been doing our share of snapping today, and I think we're all sorry.
GUY: Zat mean you're sorry for yellin' at me?
J'ONN: SHUT UP, GARDNER!

--From Justice League America #53, dialogue by J.M. DeMatteis.

[Aaron Kashtan]

JIMMY: Poor Supergirl doesn't know I'm already married to Linda Danvers! If she finds out, it'll break her heart! Why must I be so irresistible to all women?

--A problem we all wish we had. From Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #57, dialogue by Jerry Siegel.

[Aaron Kashtan]

On the next page:


JIMMY: Perry wants an article on this fair, which is closed down because of its unsafe equipment! Gosh, this Superman ride looks like fun! I'll turn it on and enjoy myself!

He must have a hard time getting insurance.

[Aaron Kashtan]

In What If? #36, written by John Byrne, the Fantastic Four never gain their powers, so instead of becoming superheroes, they become powerless adventurers. That kind of reminds me of another comic book series:


JOHNNY: What do you think we'll find ahead, Reed?
REED: The unknown, Johnny. But whatever it may be... we'll meet its challenge.

[Anelis]

In Johnny The Homicidal Maniac, when Johnny sees God:

"Oooohhh!!!
Oh my God!...It's GOD!"

:biggrin:

[Aaron Kashtan]

A villain has been spreading a false news report accusing Groo of killing women and children.


WOMAN: Please, Groo! Kill me if you must, but spare my child! I beg you!
GROO: Me? Kill a child?
WOMAN: Yes! You slay women and children! I have heard!
GROO: Groo does not slay women or children! Former children, certainly, but--

From Groo: Mightier Than the Sword #3, dialogue by Mark Evanier.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Torpedo has appeared in Europe for several years.

After seeing the strip in Europe in black and white, we wanted to run it in our magazine in color.

We then had to convince the author that the strip should run in color. They felt it was meant for black and white.

--Seriously, WTF. From the introductory page to the Torpedo story in Echo of Futurepast #6, writer unknown.

[Aaron Kashtan]

PSYKLOP: We insectoids are just as old as the human race! We have every right to come to the surface and exist among humans!
SPIDER-MAN: What would you insectoids use for food?
PSYKLOP: Humans.
SPIDER-MAN: Sorry.

Kind of a catch-22. From Marvel Adventures: Avengers #13, dialogue by Jeff Parker.

[Aaron Kashtan]

Thor asks Black Panther to rejoin the Avengers, but:


BLACK PANTHER: Thor, the fine fool's gold of stark velvet morning seems to light the mottled tapestry of desire and disaster that comprises the legend of life for my people and myself in this hidden, half-slumbering nation-state we proudly proclaim Wakanda -- but the amber eyes of reason widen as mauve shadows of regret creep across all the outside worldscape, and scream the bleeding need for Panther's presence at this time.
THOR (thinks): "Nay."

--Somehow I suspect that Steve Englehart, who wrote this scene from Avengers #137, was no more a fan of Don McGregor's prose style than I am.

[Cherokee Jack]

Wow. I don't remember Englehart writing like that. You'd think he was being paid by the word.

[jdviant]

Rereading Simonson on Thor, and actually caught myself laughing out loud at this and figured it was worth sharing.

Hogun: The demons withdraw apace to battle the Einherjar.

Volstagg: Ha! No doubt, Hogun, they fall back in abject terror before valorous Volstagg, the lion of asgard!

Fandral: No doubt, Volstagg, they fall back before the hot air the lion exhales lest they be scalded to death!

[Aaron Kashtan]

Wow. I don't remember Englehart writing like that. You'd think he was being paid by the word.

He didn't normally write like that. I assume he was making fun of Don McGregor's writing.

[bh123]

I am surprised that no one has quoted this one yet...


Woman, have you not seen that you are to marry that tree?

That's the Cotati Swordsman informing a startled Mantis of her upcoming nuptials to an alien plant in Giant-Size Avengers #4. Dialogue courtesy of Steve Englehart. As Stewie Griffin might respond, "Say whaaaaat?!?" :biggrin:

[Roquefort Raider]

Thor asks Black Panther to rejoin the Avengers, but:

BLACK PANTHER: Thor, the fine fool's gold of stark velvet morning seems to light the mottled tapestry of desire and disaster that comprises the legend of life for my people and myself in this hidden, half-slumbering nation-state we proudly proclaim Wakanda -- but the amber eyes of reason widen as mauve shadows of regret creep across all the outside worldscape, and scream the bleeding need for Panther's presence at this time.
THOR (thinks): "Nay."
--Somehow I suspect that Steve Englehart, who wrote this scene from Avengers #137, was no more a fan of Don McGregor's prose style than I am.

That's hilarious! Great pastiche! I probably wouldn't have gotten the stab at McGregor either, because having grown with DM's version of the Panther, I sort of expect him to talk like that (if with a few less words). Good call, Sir Tim!

[Kirayoshi]

Chloe Sullivan: Wait, you're trying to conquer the world by screwing over net neutrality?
Sebastian Mallory: Impressive, no?
Chloe Sullivan: Eh, needs more giant squid.

--Jimmy Olson one-shot, Nick Spencer

[custodes]

Thor asks Black Panther to rejoin the Avengers, but:



--Somehow I suspect that Steve Englehart, who wrote this scene from Avengers #137, was no more a fan of Don McGregor's prose style than I am.

Ha ha. McGregor had his moments though. That Panther series was strong and original. Killraven too.


Can't remember where and when but, recall once that Hulks' jump landings were being described as ..." and all the grace of a Sherman Tank."

[Kaim]

RICK FLAG: Just bring her down. Understand? I want her alive.
DEADSHOT: Hey, gee, Colonel. Don't know if I can. It's a tough shot and all. Might miss and accidentally kill her, y'know?
RICK FLAG: (puts his pistol to Deadshot's head) Don't miss. I won't.

-Suicide Squad #6, script by John Ostrander

[Brother Justin Crowe]

I remember looking at the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia when I was a little kid. That's what I love about illusions; they're right up there in front of you but somehow you don't see them...until suddenly you do...and I saw that I lived in a world where the symbol was more important than the reality. Where the menu was supposed to taste better than the meal. They're bombing planet Hollywood...those terrorists know exactly where the power lies. None of it's real. Kennedy was a good man. Nixon was a bad man. Is that true or is that just what we've been told is true? Half of the stars in Hollywood are gay pretending to be straight...Walt Disney was a shit. The moon landings happened in a studio. The America I thought I lived in was a trick; I'd only ever really seen it on TV, in comic books and movies...especially movies. The Rosicrucians who built this country wouldn't know where they were if you brought them here, would they? Not until you showed them Independence Day. That night when I pissed down over Manhattan, I saw time. I saw time itself... America has been in a declared state of national emergency since March 9th, 1933, giving the president powers to suspend freedom of speech and take control away from all communications media at any time. Who cares? Bruce Willis is here to save us all. The more I looked, the less real America became. And the less real it became, the stronger it got. Planet Hollywood.
- Mason Lang, Grant Morrison's The Invisibles

I was so shocked that I almost forgot to plant the guerrilla neurotransmitter I'd hidden in the oil of my fingernail. And that, Mr. President, is why you've been hallucinating having sex with speedcrazed Barbary Apes suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome for the last week. And now you know what it's like to have you as President; what it's like to be constantly fucked by someone who smells of shit.
- Spider Jerusalem, Warren Ellis's Transmetropolitan

The perfect fascist state needs to operate in conditions of perpetual warfare. Have you ever noticed how the world has been in constant crisis since World War II?
- Mason Lang, Morrison's The Invisibles

There's a palace in your head, boy. Learn to live in it always.
- Tom O'Bedlam, Morrison's The Invisibles

I can see you!
- Animal Man, Morrison's Animal Man

Woman: Please... you cannot kill this man. Do you realise he has a ten-inch penis?
Jenesis Jones: Oh, yes I do. Stand away! Anders Klimakks: you have been identified as a potentially lethal anti-person!
Anders Klimakks: Ah. Maybe this is why my spunk has been grown to enormous size and used as a weapon.
- Morrison's The Filth

MISTER SWEENEY! SHOW US YOUR PENIS! SHOW IT TO US NOW! WE NEED TO SEE IT FOR SPECIAL JOURNALISTIC PURPOSES!
- Spider Jerusalem, Ellis's Transmetropolitan

Spider: You want to go out to dinner sometime?
Hannah: Sorry, no. I'm married, not hungry, infected with seven unknown diseases, gay, pregnant with lizards and clinically dead.
Spider: "Sorry, no" would have done all on it's own, you know.
Hannah: Just making sure.
- Transmetropolitan

My last shit was epic. I had to beat it to death with a shovel, you know.
- Spider, Transmetropolitan

Spider Jerusalem: Royce. Your challenge was ignorant and filthy, but I accept it anyway, on condition that I get a raise and expense account for weaponry and the use of your wife.
Mitchell Royce: Sure.
Spider: That easy? Even the wife bit?
Royce: Why not? She left me last year. You can find her, you're welcome to her. Carry a whip and a chair.
Spider: I am defeated. Through judicious medication I have the brain patterns of Lizzie Borden and the steaming genitals of Genghis Khan, but I am undone. The drugs are shit. [pause] Who's this?
- Transmetropolitan

I'm the evil mastermind behind the scenes. I'm the wicked puppeteer who pulls the strings and makes you dance. I'm your writer.
- Grant Morrison, Animal Man

Spider: You treacherous sack of shit, I can't work without a phone-
Royce: You're dangerous with a phone. Remember what you did when you were alone with a phone in Prague? Remember how many people died?
- Transmetropolitan

Your first deadline's tomorrow. I want to see eight thousand words. Printable words. I still remember that essay you wrote when the Beast got elected. I do not want to see the word "fuck" typed eight thousand times again.
- Royce, Transmetropolitan

You can't kill a vegetable by shooting it through the head. You see, throughout his miserable existence, the only thing that could have kept him sane was the hope that he might one day regain his humanity... the knowledge that under all that slime he was still Alec Holland. But if he's read my notes he'll know that just isn't true. He isn't Alec Holland. He never will be Alec Holland. He never was Alec Holland. He's just a ghost. A ghost dressed in weeds. I wonder how he'll take it?
- Jason Woodrue, Alan Moore's Saga of the Swamp Thing

"But you know what? Back in the days before the Internet, a kid calld Robert Zimmerman said 'Fuck that, I'm going to be the man I dream of being. I'm going to become someone completely new and write about the end of the world because it's the only thing worth talking about.' And that was one guy in Minnesota, in the same decade the telecommuncations satellite was invented. Imagine what all of us, living here in the future, can achieve. Be authentic to your dreams. Be authentic to your own ideas about yourself. Grind away at your own minds and bodies until you become your own invention. Be mad scientists. Here at the end of the world, it's the only thing worth doing."
- The titular character in Doktor Sleepless by Warren Ellis

Rossiter: Latest on the eclipse: it's in the tenth house, which is bad for government and entrenched power structures.
Sir Miles Delacourt: Are you suggesting that we do not proceed?
Rossiter: Of course not. We're the new power, come to replace the old. Cameras in the head, children with microchips, spin doctors rewriting reality as it happens. That's why I voted for Tony Blair.
- The Invisibles

Elephant head! Elephant head! I worship a god with an elephant head!
- King Mob, The Invisibles

The Rosicrucians who built this country wouldn't know where they were if you brought them here, would they? Not until you showed them Independence Day.
- Mason, The Invisibles

Reynard and me would argue all the time in this little Indian restaurant they had in San Francisco. There was a picture of Bill Clinton on the wall. There's no difference between fate and free will. Here I am; put here, come here. No difference. Same thing. Nothing ends that isn't something else starting. So which side are you on? Do you know yet? Anyhow. I've said my bit and it's your go now... so while you're thinking about it, think about this... my mate Elfayed told me something when I was little and wanking about twenty times a day: "We made gods and jailers because we felt small and alone," he said. "We let them try us and judge us and, like lambs to the slaughter, we allowed ourselves to be... sentenced. See! Now! Our sentence is up."
- Jack Frost, The Invisibles

Beauty is all around us here. You just have to fight for it. Even if it kills you.
- Dashiell Bad Horse, Jason Aaron's Scalped

I am so incredibly bored that I will buy a pair of your ridiculous shoes.
- Spider, Transmetropolitan

We can leave. We can leave any time we want. We don't have to stay here. We don't have to do anything they say. Or want. I can feel the light -- that they made. And it makes my fur itch and my skin burn. And I can smell the chemicals on the fruit in the corner there. And the things they put in the water. I can feel it. I could feel it in the house, but I couldn't leave then. I had to wait, we had to wait. We had to wait, but now...now we can leave, because it's night and no one's around. The freedom to leave...it's not...This isn't a prison. It's a museum. And everyone doesn't know yet that they're dead. The billboards. It's overwhelming.
- Pompeii, Adam Hines's Duncan the Wonder Dog

I don't ever want to hear you say anything bad about the Cassidays. They're wonderful people. They took in an innocent baby and raised it as their own. Folks like that are the real heroes of this world. Sure, they could spend more time with you; get to know you a little better, as you say...And I would hope that raising a child would actually enhance one's sense of community, rather than engendering fear and over-compensatory displays of class and wealth. I mean, Jesus, how many cars does one family need? What kind of example is that? Christ, it's like they're laughing at the next generation! "Ha ha, I used up all your resources! Fuck you!" But yeah, they're basically really amazing.
- The title character in Wilson by Daniel Clowes

Some people wonder how I sleep at night. I tell them I just close my eyes.
- The Punisher, Mark Millar's Ultimate Avengers 2

You'll be fine, 'rick. Just go out there and get your heart broken in, so it'll be ready when you really need it.
- Yorick Brown, Brian K. Vaughan's Y: The Last Ma

It was all real, and it all mattered.
- Narrator, Jeff Parker's Atlas

Do you like the armor, Felix? It belonged to Alexander the Great. We have this shit just lying around in the catacombs.
- Caligula, David Lapham's Caligula

Mother Dirt: Selection process for my officers is ruthless but necessary. A new not-self entered the system; in developing a response it was necessary to expose you to the antigen.
Greg Feely: I don't care; you took everything I had. And I wanted an explanation. Wanted it all to make sense but it's just shit. [Greg picks up...shit, basically] What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do with this?
Mother Dirt: Spread it on your flowers, Greg.
- Grant Morrison's The Filth

[Aaron Kashtan]

BARRY ALLEN: Adjusting to a life of bachelorhood again is going to be a long, slow haul! So many little things I used to take for granted I have to do for myself again -- like dirty dishes!

Apparently what Barry misses most about Iris is her unpaid labor as a domestic servant. From Adventure Comics #466, dialogue by Cary Bates.

[Mormel]

Oh, here's a gem:


You should understand that as a child, my heroes were the men who fought their way across the silver screen. They believed... they cared! Today there are no heroes, no good influences for our youth. The depraved violence of Clint Eastwood holds no candle to the unblemished humanity of John Wayne.

As spoken by the villain/anti-hero/vigilante Hangman in "Spider-Woman' #5 (1978). The Hangman is also a misogynist and a psychopath.

[Kirayoshi]

Nothing like a flat put-down:


Gideon: Getting rid of me... won't save you. You're your own worst enemies! Both of you!
Ramona: No, I'm pretty sure you're worse, dude.
Scott: You're definitely worse.
--Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour