Political Humor

[the4thpip]

I hope Gail doesn't mind... But I think it would be nice to have a thread separate from the more serious discussion thread for stuff like this:

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041118/ltt041118.gif

or this:

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041118/lbo041118.gif

or this:



WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the "extreme inefficiency" of this month's U.S. presidential election, key Republicans called for future elections to be conducted by the private sector.

"When the average citizen hears the phrase 'presidential election,' he thinks of long lines at polling places and agonizing waits as election results are tallied," U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) told reporters Monday. "Putting the election of our public officials into the hands of private industry would motivate election officials to be more efficient."

"There's too much talk about the accuracy and fairness of our national elections, and not enough about their proficiency and profitability," Santorum added. "Who bears the brunt of bureaucratic waste? Taxpayers."

U.S. Sen. Conrad Burns (R-MT) called for an end to "big government overseeing the election of big government."

"It's time we opened the election process to competition," Burns said. "The free market is the petri dish for innovation, be it in telecommunications, the healthcare system, or democracy."

Burns said that, to create healthy market activity, each congressional district should be able to collect bids and offer contracts to the company that can offer the lowest prices and the best service.

"Look at the voter turnout we had this year," Burns said. "Less than 60 percent of the population voted, and that number is still the highest it's been since 1968. Contractors should get a cut based on the number of votes their machines record. That way, they'd have a monetary incentive to get more Americans to the polls."

Although legislation has not yet been drafted, several companies have hired development teams to draw up proposals for the takeover of the electoral process.

"Voters need an incentive to get to the polls," said potential contractor Fred Mitchelson of Accenture, formerly Arthur Andersen. "It's not like the old days when people were motivated by a sense of civic pride—that's just too Waltons. We're in negotiations to partner with Best Buy. Under our plan, every voter would receive a coupon for 20 percent off any purchase up to $500—it would actually pay to go to the polls! It'd be great exposure for Best Buy and a fantastic opportunity for us to hit and exceed that magic six-zero. Oh, and this whole registration thing has gotta go."

Mitchelson said prior elections failed to take advantage of the "vast potential for corporate tie-ins and advertising revenue."

"There is a lot of untapped revenue in elections," Mitchelson said. "We could get sponsorship for every blank surface in the polling place easily—I mean everything, from the back of the ballot to the curtain itself. If we really want to break out of the box, we don't even have to stop at surfaces. We could pipe music by Sony recording artists into the voting booths."

http://www.theonion.com/images/411/article3018.jpg

"I'm looking at all these missed opportunities and thinking, 'Who's the numbskull in charge here?'" Mitchelson added. "With the level of foot traffic they see, it's ridiculous that every polling place doesn't have an Au Bon Pain."

According to Mitchelson, the advantages of privatized voting go beyond quick, friendly service and great savings. A percentage of all privatized-voting profits would go to the U.S. government, which would "pass those savings on to you, the taxpayer."

"We also plan to offer premium voting services," Mitchelson said. "For only $20, you'll be eligible for Guaranteed No-Wait Voting™ and you'll receive access to the luxurious VIP voting lounge, with fresh coffee and pastries. Going to vote will feel like a trip to the spa!"

Not all election contractors advocate the use of premium election services.

"The American tradition of democracy is great, but it could be dramatically streamlined," said former Intel executive Jerome Klieg, now the CEO of VelociVote, a company that plans to bid for the 2008 presidential election. "Guaranteed No-Wait Voting™ is a good idea, but it basically approaches the election of our leader the same way we've approached it for centuries. Now, hear me out. Currently, every American citizen over 18 years of age is eligible to vote. That's 195 million voters. Whoa! Seriously. That's a lot of voters. Having every American vote creates mass confusion, as we saw in 2000 and 2004. Why? To what end?"

Added Klieg: "Rather than trying to attract more voters, let's attract better voters. We could reduce the overall cost of the election by 97 percent if we paid a small body of informed, designated voters to keep abreast of candidates' policy positions. The candidates would save time and money, too, because they could focus their attention on the thousand votes that count. And fewer ballots means faster, more accurate counting. It's just good sense."

Some critics have voiced concerns about private-sector elections, arguing that small businesses might be excluded from the bidding process.

"The government needs to make sure that local companies have a shot at contracts, too," said Dean Small, founder of Capitol City Speed-E Elections in Austin, TX. "It's only fair."

Santorum said these complaints will be considered as the election-reform bill is drafted.

"We've already got some good ideas on the table," Santorum said. "And, considering that we control both the House and the Senate, selling this proposal to Congress will be a breeze."

For more campaign coverage, visit the Onion Election Guide

[the4thpip]

http://comics.com/comics/hedge/archive/images/hedge2665690041115.gif

http://comics.com/comics/hedge/archive/images/hedge2033284041116.gif

http://comics.com/comics/hedge/archive/images/hedge2002218941117.gif

http://comics.com/comics/hedge/archive/images/hedge2004166421118.gif

[the4thpip]

http://comics.com/editoons/ofarrell/archive/images/ofarrell2004113313112.jpg

[the4thpip]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/la/2004/la041116.gif

[Kyuubi]

Subject: TO ALL CITIZENS OF THE USA

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zee' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Lookup "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2.
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3.
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be roadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6.
You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7.
You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11.
As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13.
From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used
to it).


14.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Noah Johnson]

The latest from the incomparable Tim Kreider:

http://www.thepaincomics.com/Great%20Compromise.jpg

[Kyuubi]

Oh man, I have no idea why I didn't see this before. It makes so much sense now, the reason Bush was re-elected wasn't because of moral issues or anything like that.














He was re-elected because of his incredible dance moves.
http://www.nationalcynical.com/images/humor-political/bush-dancing01.gif
DANCE, Georgey-boy, DANCE!

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2004/11/22/tomo/story.jpg

[Phoney Bone]

http://www.sacredcowburgers.com/parodies/breakfast_of_chumps.jpg

http://www.rubyredphoto.com/Ebay/KerryDo.jpg

http://www.tech-sol.net/humor/kerry.jpghttp://www.tech-sol.net/humor/gomer.JPG

[Phoney Bone]

http://www.sacredcowburgers.com/parodies/kerry_security_services.jpg

http://www.tje.net/albums/album02/democratic_seal_small.jpg

[Noah Johnson]

It's really astonishing how unfunny conservatives generally are. I mean, I can think of one funny conservative: P.J. O'Rourke. He's got a good instinct for irony and a nice grasp of language. Come to think of it, I haven't heard much from him in the last couple years.

Apart from him, look at the list of conservatives trying to get a laugh. Rush Limbaugh, that guy who draws Mallard Fillmore, Dennis Miller... isn't it weird how Miller only converted to Republican-apologism after he lost his touch? It's like he instinctively steered towards an audience that expected less of its humorists.

One theory, obviously, is that there are patterns of thought associated with creating humor that don't work well with the patterns of thought associated with being a conservative, but that seems almost too obvious. I mean, everyone knows that creative people trend overwhelmingly liberal; it hardly bears mentioning.

Therefore, my theory is mind-control rays.

[Phoney Bone]

It's really astonishing how unfunny conservatives generally are. I mean, I can think of one funny conservative: P.J. O'Rourke. He's got a good instinct for irony and a nice grasp of language. Come to think of it, I haven't heard much from him in the last couple years.

Apart from him, look at the list of conservatives trying to get a laugh. Rush Limbaugh, that guy who draws Mallard Fillmore, Dennis Miller... isn't it weird how Miller only converted to Republican-apologism after he lost his touch? It's like he instinctively steered towards an audience that expected less of its humorists.

One theory, obviously, is that there are patterns of thought associated with creating humor that don't work well with the patterns of thought associated with being a conservative, but that seems almost too obvious. I mean, everyone knows that creative people trend overwhelmingly liberal; it hardly bears mentioning.

Therefore, my theory is mind-control rays.
I gotta agree with you on Rush. He's really gone downhill since the television show went off the air. Dennis Miller is just mean. Mallard Fillmore was never funny.

But, then again, the same can be said for Al Franken. The only time I have ever found anything he has ever done the slightest bit amusing are the "Daily Affirmation" skits where the guests crack up. How can someone have a such a long career as a "comedy" writer without being funny?

But, Glen Beck is the funniest guy on the radio! A Coservative who rips into the Republicans nearly as much as he does the Democrats. He's the only talk-radio guy I can stand to listen to anymore, whether it's conservative, liberal, entertainment (Stern), or those oh so "wacky" morning zoo shows.

[the4thpip]

I'm always wondering whether I just find conservative cartoons unfunny because I disagree, or because they are so damn far-fetched. Here's a bunch I just don't get at all:

http://images.ucomics.com/images/ui3/samples/crcas.gif
:confused:

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bd/2004/bd041027.gif

:confused:

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/gm/2004/gm041119.gif

:confused:

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmwst/2004/tmwst041110.gif
Yeah, because the oil in Alaska would really bring oil prices down for what, 2 months or so. And Bush shows such an interest in keeping gas prices down. :rolleyes:

[Phoney Bone]

It's really astonishing how unfunny conservatives generally are...

I could kick myself! Although Ron White has almost no political humor in his act, he's a conservative and he is hella funny!

http://images.radcity.net/5656/593532.jpg

Bill Engvall can be pretty damn funny, too.

I like their comedy because they have a country flair without resorting to stereotypes to get cheap laughs. (*cough-cough-LARRYTHECABLEGUY-cough-cough*)

Although, cheap laffs are cool, too. :D

[the4thpip]

I thought this one was brilliant:

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmmda/2004/tmmda041117.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041123/ltt041123.gif

[Brian Cronin]

Some choice bits from The Onion's Election coverage...


Liberals Return To Sodomy, Welfare Fraud
BERKELEY, CA—No longer occupied by the 2004 election, liberals across the country have returned to the activities they enjoy most: anal sex and cheating the welfare system. "I've been so busy canvassing for the Democratic Party, I haven't had a single moment for suckling at the government's teat or no-holds-barred ass ramming," said Jason Carvelli, an unemployed pro-hemp activist. "Now, my friends and I can finally get back to warming our hands over burning American flags and turning kids gay." Carvelli added that his "number-one priority" is undermining the efforts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere.



Political Blogger Mass Suicide To Be Discovered In Several Weeks
BOSTON—By examining web-traffic data for left-leaning DailyKos.com, researchers have predicted that the mass suicide of 14 political bloggers will likely be discovered sometime in mid-December. "After months of doing nothing but sit alone in our rooms at our computers, trying to get our message to the people, we lost the election anyway," read the still-unread suicide pact posted Nov. 3. "We'd rather be dead than live in a country as fucked up as this one." The bodies will most likely be found by property managers, long-estranged parents, or neighbors returning copies of Joe Trippi's The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.



Nader Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush, Kerry
WASHINGTON, DC—Supporters of presidential candidate Ralph Nader blamed his defeat Tuesday on George W. Bush and John Kerry, claiming that the two candidates "ate up" his share of the electoral votes. "This election was stolen out from under Mr. Nader by Bush and Kerry, who diverted his votes to the right and the left," Nader campaign manager Theresa Amato said. "It's an outrage. If Nader were the only candidate, he would be president right now." In his concession speech, Nader characterized Bush and Kerry as spoilers.


:D

-Brian

[Melbourne Mew Mew]

One I remember my uncle telling me after he came back from visiting Germany a few years ago. Apparently there was a scandal there at the time involving certain members of the German Greens being former members of the Nazi Party or somesuch, which led to this joke:

1st German Greens Member: What do you think was the worst thing about Hitler?
2nd German Greens Member: Well, Hitler wasn't so bad. If only he hadn't built the autobahns...

[the4thpip]

One I remember my uncle telling me after he came back from visiting Germany a few years ago. Apparently there was a scandal there at the time involving certain members of the German Greens being former members of the Nazi Party or somesuch, which led to this joke:

1st German Greens Member: What do you think was the worst thing about Hitler?
2nd German Greens Member: Well, Hitler wasn't so bad. If only he hadn't built the autobahns...
:confused:
I was a member of the Greens, too, and I never even met a member who was born before the end of the 3rd Reich (other than maybe Christian Ströbele, and he's an ex-commie). And I was a federal delegate, so I met lots and lots of members from all over Germany. The party was founded in the early 80s and has mostly younger members.

The joke is kinda cute, though.

[EdContradictory]

http://images.ucomics.com/images/ui3/samples/crcas.gif
:confused:

Asay has a real mysoginist bent in his strips. If you read them regularly, the character that is shown to be foolish or evil or wrong for being "liberal" is almost always a woman.

[EdContradictory]

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20041121/capt.edb11411211850.chile_apec_bush_edb114.jpg

W, X Y Z!

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041124/lbo041124.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041124/ltt041124.gif

[Rob Allen]

I can think of one funny conservative: P.J. O'Rourke. He's got a good instinct for irony and a nice grasp of language. Come to think of it, I haven't heard much from him in the last couple years.He's one of the regular panelists on NPR's show, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me (http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/). He's usually on once every month or two; they have a pool of eight panelists and every week three of them are on the show. His bio at the above page says he's currently writing regularly for the Atlantic Monthly, the Weekly Standard, and Automobile magazines.

[the4thpip]

http://www.theonion.com/images/412/article3022.jpg

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041124/lbs041124.gif

[the4thpip]

Laura had hoped that the bulge under Dubya's clothing meant he was happy to see her:

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041128/ldb041128.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041130/ltt041130.gif

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/boll/2004/12/02/boll/story.gif

[jimmything2681]

W, X Y Z!
That right there wins.

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041203/lbo041203.gif

[Brian Cronin]

Florida Kerry supporters meet for group therapy
Voters shout epithets at President Bush during first PEST counseling session

Twenty John Kerry supporters met for their first group therapy session in
South Florida Thursday, screaming epithets at President Bush as they shared
their emotions with licensed mental health counselors.

The first of several free noontime therapy sessions at the American Health
Association in Boca Raton was designed to treat what mental health
counselors have dubbed Post Election Selection Trauma (PEST).

“If I had a cardboard cutout of President Bush, and these people wanted to
throw darts at it, I would let them do it,” Robert J. Gordon, AHA executive
director, told the Boca News after the session. “It’s no joke. People with
PEST were traumatized by the election. If you even mention religion, their
faces turn blister-red as they shout at Bush.”

Although the meeting was closed to the press, AHA therapists obtained
permission from participants to provide an anonymous transcript to the Boca
Raton News.

“I’m scared,” said one man. “Democracy is at stake and nobody is rising to
protest this president.”

“I want to be a patriot, but it’s impossible to be a patriot in an immoral
war,” said another participant, a woman. “Bush is breaking up marriages and
dividing families by keeping our troops in Iraq.”

Gordon said the participants also granted reluctant permission to open up
next Thursday’s meeting to the general press. Reporters will be forbidden
from taking photographs or using the real names of patients.

“The media outlets, especially Rush Limbaugh and his ilk on talk radio,
scare our patients to death,” said Gordon, facilitator for the meetings.
“More than anything else, people with PEST tremble physically.”
Gordon said the Kerry supporters in therapy are predominantly Jewish and
older than 50. Most are registered independents and all live in Palm Beach
County.

“We mostly let them vent during the first session,” Gordon said. “By the
third session, we’ll be doing some meditation exercises to aid some of their
symptoms. We may use visualization and some techniques designed for bipolar
disease and other mental disorders. That might help them adjust to reality.”
According to AHA officials, symptoms of PEST are similar to post-traumatic
stress disorder. They include nightmares, sleeplessness, hostility,
listlessness, and emotional outbursts including threats to leave the
country.

“There’s an overall sense of emotional helplessness and abandonment,” said
Sheila Cooperman, a licensed AHA psychotherapist from Delray Beach. “In
psychology, we call it ‘learned helplessness.’ After you zap a caged dog
twice, he stops moving because he knows there is no place to go. That’s what
happened with these Kerry voters. They’ve been zapped so many times that
they’re on the verge of giving up on politics.”

Cooperman, also a practicing psychic, added, “One person today said he
thinks the country is now run by fascists. Another felt personally
threatened by the president’s love for big business. Many believe Bush is
going to draft their grandchildren. The anxiety may not affect them every
day, but it affects their energy level.”

An additional 30 people are signed up for two other AHA election support
groups, which will meet for the remainder of the year and possibly beyond.
Gordon said his patients’ emotional problems typically started with the
“hanging chad” debacle of 2000.

“First, they need to realize they’re not going to overturn the 2004
election,” Gordon said. “They have to live with it. The problem is they have
no faith because they think the religious right has hijacked the political
system. We try to tell them there is still an election in 2008. You can’t
just give up and be apathetic.”

The AHA, using a holistic approach to health that has been mocked as new age
voodoo by some national talk show hosts, has stressed to patients that their
post-election emotions are normal and deserve to be taken seriously.
“These people talk about the 2000 election being stolen,” Gordon said. “They
talk about Theresa LePore and the Ohio recount. They feel it’s the ‘Right
House,’ not the White House. They feel the world is not safe with George W.
Bush as president. They spewed out a lot of anger. They are angry at the
Democratic Party for being aimless and leaderless. They have a right to
these feelings.”

The Boca Raton News first reported on Nov. 9 that depressed Florida Kerry
supporters were seeking trauma therapy in the wake of the Nov. 2
presidential election. One Boca psychologist alone, Douglas Schooler,
eventually treated 20 Kerry voters with intense hypnotherapy — for a sliding
fee.

The trauma specialist, whose bills were covered by clients’ insurance
companies, was later accused by some colleagues of unethically “cashing in”
on the misery of Kerry voters. In interviews with the Boca News, Schooler
said many of the Kerry supporters had visited him for severe mental problems
prior to the election.

Unlike Schooler, the AHA is a registered Florida non-profit and its
therapists do not charge for sessions. Conservative talk show hosts Sean
Hannity and Rush Limbaugh recently offered their own “free therapy,” irking
the AHA counselors.

The real funny thing is that that isn't from the Onion, but is an actual news article. :D

-Brian

[Dreadstar]

The real funny thing is that that isn't from the Onion, but is an actual news article. :D



This is real?

That's... that's pitiful!

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2004/12/06/tomo/story.jpg

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2004/12/13/tomo/story.jpg


http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041212/ltt041212.gif

[the4thpip]

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/comics/updating/sorenson.gif

[the4thpip]

http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/archive/images/pearls200412287176.jpg

[Cam63]

That's some good stuff there, Pip :D

Thanks for posting it.

[the4thpip]

I love Pearls Before Swine:

http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/archive/images/pearls2004112204217.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050106/ltt050106.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050121/stt050121.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050120/ltr050120.gif

[the4thpip]

One of the most popular floats at the Rose Monday parade in Düsseldorf yesterday:

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20050207/i/r2706473732.jpg

[Screwtape]

http://logo.cafepress.com/1/356074.88121.gif

http://logo.cafepress.com/5/356074.210475.gif

[the4thpip]

...
I see Republican humor is still laugh-free. :confused:

Anyway, back to the humor:

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2005/02/07/tomo/story.jpg

[Screwtape]

"Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour from Deck of Yacht"

LANCASTER, PA—Democratic frontrunner Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) began a seven-day, eight-state whistle-stop tour Monday, addressing a group of Frigidaire factory workers from the all-teak deck of his 60-foot luxury motor cruiser.

"George W. Bush put tax cuts for the wealthy and special favors for the special interests before our economic future," Kerry told the crowd gathered below the starboard side of The Real Deal II. "I will fight to restore the three million jobs that have been lost on the president's watch. It's time America got back to work."

Campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill said Kerry's whistle-stop tour is scheduled to take him through Pennsylvania, Ohio, and on to six Midwestern states at an average speed of 26 knots.

Apart from a brief detour into Lake Michigan between Milwaukee and Chicago, the yacht will travel exclusively on land, attached to a drydock-mounting slip atop a highway-legal flatbed trailer.

Kerry's stump speech, which he delivered through the yacht's PA system, ignored his Democratic rivals and focused instead on the current administration's economic record.

"Bush has the worst jobs record of the last 11 presidents," said Kerry, his hand draped over the flagpole halyard. "Landing on an aircraft carrier doesn't make up for failed economic policy. The American people need jobs to buy food for their families, to secure health insurance for their children, and to pay the mortgages on their houses."

"Unlike the Republicans, I know it's you, the American worker, that keeps this country running," said Kerry, who then tipped his captain's hat to the crowd.

Federal Election Commission records show that Kerry purchased The Real Deal II in December 2003 for $2.5 million. The Kerry campaign's 2003 fourth-quarter filings show that the yacht required $200,000 of work to prepare it for the Midwest campaign voyage. Repairs included a tune-up of the vessel's twin diesel engine, the installation of a Navman color GPS-plotting navigation system, and the addition of red, white, and blue detailing to the yacht's leather interior.

"John Kerry wanted to get out there, connect with the people, and hear their stories," Cahill said in a press conference held in the main cabin. "Taking his yacht across the Midwest is the best way for Kerry to reach out to all the people who lost their jobs under George W. Bush."

"There's no better place to have a good conversation than on the deck of a fine sailing vessel, out there in the sunshine, with the gentle breeze playing in your hair," Cahill said. "It's beautiful up there."

Cahill said she hopes the yacht will appeal to independent voters, who may decide the election in November.

An additional benefit of campaigning in the craft is that it affords Kerry the opportunity to make unexpected stops along the campaign trail, simply by alerting the convoy with his International Maritime Signal Flags.

"What's John Kerry all about?" said Kerry, addressing a small group of supporters that he spotted at a rest stop on Interstate 76. "John Kerry believes in affordable health care, renewable energy, decisive foreign policy, and economic recovery. I'm putting that message on my yacht and taking it all the way across America."

Kerry continued: "We're going to sail The Real Deal II right up onto the White House lawn and tell them, 'The American people have arrived to take back their government.'"

U.S. Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA), a Kerry supporter who has been traveling on-and-off with the candidate since January, said that the whistle-stop tour demonstrates Kerry's commitment to the country.

"People tried to write this campaign off last year, but he kept going full steam ahead, because he cares about the proud men and women of this nation," Kennedy said. "He's going to go all the way in November, like the little yacht that could." I'm laughing, anyway.

[Dreadstar]

http://logo.cafepress.com/1/356074.88121.gif

BWAHAHAHAHA!

[Screwtape]

http://www.fightthebias.com/Resources/Humor/Images/mis/images/taxcut_forfeit.jpg

[Screwtape]

http://www.fightthebias.com/Resources/Humor/Images/wot/images/To_theTaliban.jpg

[the4thpip]

http://kotisivu.mtv3.fi/aki.liinalaakso/booga2.gif

[Kirayoshi]

One of my favorite semi-political strips, Wiley's Non Sequiturhttp://images.ucomics.com/comics/nq/2005/nq050208.gif

[sk716]

http://kotisivu.mtv3.fi/aki.liinalaakso/booga2.gif

I love a good Tank Girl reference. :D

[Cam63]

That's an image of a roo, huh ? Cool, but the feet need to be a little longer.

[Cam63]

http://www.fightthebias.com/Resources/Humor/Images/mis/images/taxcut_forfeit.jpg

Has anyone ever sent a return on one of those forms ?

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050210/lbo050210.gif

[Screwtape]

I love a good Tank Girl reference. :DSo do I. Do you suppose we'll see one?

[Screwtape]

http://www.theonion.com/images/424/image_article2754_418x431.jpg

Ah, the Onion.

[Pixies Chick]

TV's hottest new "reality" show



Now that "reporter" Jeff Gannon, nee James Dale Guckert, has resigned from the Talon "news" organization, the White House is going to need another fake reporter to throw softballs at the president! Executive Producer Mark Burnett is currently accepting videotapes, and will select 5 lucky contestants who will vie for the chance to be the next paid Republican shill, I mean fair and balanced member of the White House press corps! Coming this spring to FOX: Who will be the White House's next Top Fake Reporter?

http://babelogue.citypages.com:8080/canderson/2005/02/11

[Pixies Chick]

Contributed by: The Editors CORRECTION: Hacktacular White House reporter Jeff Gannon is not, in fact, a man-pimp, as we had previously reported. He is actually a self-pimping e-he-whore. (Link not safe for work, or dinner.) The Editors apologize to Mr. Gannon for the error...

...what are the chances that a media whore like Gannon would turn out to be an actual whore? It's impossible. It boggles the mind how infinitely unlikely this is. It's like if you found someone pirating CDs, and it turns out he actually had a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder and sailed around the Caribbean saying "arrrrrr!" and plundering booty. You wouldn't believe it. But there it is: impossible, but true. Impossible truths are miracles, and only God can work miracles. Ergo, God exists. Q.E.D.

The rest of the story is that God's metaphors are about as subtle as a David Byrne art concept or, equivalently, getting clocked on the head with a cinderblock. Yeah, "whore". It's a "big suit", David. We get it already. I think brainless plankton on Neptune get the symbolism here. Jesus.
http://thepoorman.net/gl/article.php?story=20050214161107130

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050215/ltt050215.gif

[Screwtape]

http://www.pvponline.com/archive/2005/pvp20050113.gif

[Pixies Chick]

Finally, to the heart of the matter!

QUESTIONS JEFF GANNON NEVER GOT TO ASK:

"In the early 1940's, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and turncoat Jim Jeffries murdered six million Jews and untold numbers of homosexuals. How do work with these obviously insane assassins to pass laws that will only help the American people? And could you also address why misguided Jews, Negroes and Gays blindly support the Democratic party."

"There are rumblings that Hillary Clinton may run for President in 2008. Will your administration bring out the fact that she slept with the entire membership of every Harvard fraternity AND sorority? And is there room in the budget to resurrect the Whitewater scandal to find out why she killed Vince Foster? I mean, if she did. Could you also comment on the size of her calves?"

"Your administration is the greatest thing that's ever been placed on God's green earth. Could you expand on that?"

"Liberals believe that murdering innocent unborn children is cool. Does that have anything to do with the good your Social Security reform will do?"

"If I just saw Wolf Blitzer take an extra croissant from the press breakfast buffet, but don't want to say so on camera, who do I report that to?"

"Jon Stewart continues to trash Robert Novak for just adhering to his God-given, constitutional right to keep his sources private. Can you or Attorney General Gonzales figure out some way to shut down Comedy Central under the Patriot Act?"

"Where can I get one of those Mission Accomplished Bomber Jackets?"

"Democrats hate that minorities like Colin Powell, Alberto Gonzales and Condi Rice have gained influential posts under your administration. That's not a question but if you can make one out of it I think it would make for a freakin' dynamite opportunity to slam Jesse Jackson good."

"Gosh, you look really ripped today. What time do you get off? And I have a follow up."

"How do you know if you don't try it?"

http://www.americanpolitics.com/20050221Young.html

[the4thpip]

Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy

WASHINGTON, DC—Almost a year after the cessation of major combat and a month after the nation's first free democratic elections, President Bush unveiled the coalition forces' strategy for exiting Iraq.

"I'm pleased to announce that the Department of Defense and I have formulated a plan for a speedy withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq," Bush announced Monday morning. "We'll just go through Iran."

Bush said the U.S. Army, which deposed Iran's longtime enemy Saddam Hussein, should be welcomed with open arms by the Islamic-fundamentalist state.

"And Iran's so nearby," Bush said. "It's only a hop, skip, and a jump to the east."

According to White House officials, coalition air units will leave forward air bases in Iraq and transport munitions to undisclosed locations in Iran. After 72 to 96 hours of aerial-bomb retreats, armored-cavalry units will retreat across the Zagros mountains in tanks, armored personnel carriers, and strike helicopters. The balance of the 120,000 troops will exit into the oil-rich borderlands around the Shatt-al-Arab region within 30 days.

Pentagon sources said U.S. Central Command has been formulating the exit plan under guidelines set by Bush.

http://www.theonion.com/images/428/article3143.jpg

"The fact is, we've accomplished our goals in Iraq," said General George Casey, the commander of coalition forces in the Iraqi theater. "Now, it's time to bring our men and women home—via Iran."

Questions have been raised about the unprecedented size of the withdrawal budget.

"I'm asking Congress to approve a $187-billion budget to enable us to exit as smoothly as possible," said Casey, whose budget request includes several hundred additional M1A1 Abrams battle tanks, 72 new C-130 cargo planes, and two brigades of artillery. "We're concerned about the safety of our troops, so we need to have the capacity to deal with insurgent forces all the way from the Iraqi border through to Tehran."

Casey has requested a budget increase for the Pentagon, so that the government can reward recruits who serve in the U.S. mission to exit Iraq.

http://www.theonion.com/images/428/article3142.jpg
Above: Some of the Iranian citizens U.S. troops will meet as they pass through Iran.

"The plan also includes a minor stopover for refueling and provisional replenishment in Syria," Casey said. "But I don't expect we'll need more than 50,000 additional troops for that stretch of the Iraq pullout."

Bush's plan has met with widespread support.

"The people who said Iraq was a quagmire and that the president would never get our troops out are now eating crow," said Sean Hannity on his popular radio show Tuesday. "Of course, I don't expect anyone will have the honor to come forward and actually admit that they were wrong to question our commander-in-chief."

Sioux Falls, SD's Dianne Haverbuck, who has two sons in the military, said she was pleased to hear of the impending exit.

"Don and Kenneth have already been in Iraq an extra four months, so it's so good to hear that they'll finally be leaving that dangerous place," Haverbuck said. "I can't tell you how happy I was when the president said—what was it? I wrote it down. 'Getting our troops out of the Middle East and back home to their families is a viable long-term goal.'"

"I can't wait to see the boys," Haverbuck added.

Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei welcomed the exit plan.

"Let the Allied armies come to Iran," Khamenei said. "I believe I can assure you that, if they do withdraw here, their brothers-in-arms in the Islamic Republican Army, the Revolutionary Guards Corps, the Quds special forces units, and the Basij Popular Mobilization Army will no doubt do everything they can to make the troops' trip back home memorable."

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4110

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050320/ltt050320.gif

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2005/03/21/tomo/story.jpg

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050323/ltt050323.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050409/ldb050410.gif :confused:

[the4thpip]

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/afp/20050410/capt.sge.fqz86.100405203449.photo00.photo.default-380x278.jpg

What's that on your head?
A wig
Wig, wig, wig

Sally's gotta wig
Ricky's gotta wig
Baby's gotta wig
Kate's gotta wig
Fred's gotta cheap toupee
Keith's gotta big bouffant on
We all got wigs, so let's go!

CHORUS
On the neon, neon side of town
On the neon, neon side of town

Julia's gotta wig
Phyllis has a wig
Cindy's gotta wig
J.T.'s gotta wig
Carols' fall fell
Bubba's gotta big bouffant on
We all got wigs, so...let's go!

CHORUS

On the neon, neon side of town
On the neon, neon side of town
What's that on your head?
A wig
Wig, wig, wig
Wig's on fire! Wig's on fire! Wig's on...fire!
It's 2525 and we've got the most wigs alive!

Wig's on fire! Wig's on fire! Take it higher!
It's 2525 and we've got the hottest do's alive!

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050417/ldb050418.gif

[the4thpip]

http://media.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/images/I64538-2005Apr18Lhttp://www.commondreams.org/headlines02/images/0829-03.jpg

[the4thpip]

VIDEOTAPE of Jenna Bush in very high spirits at a bachelorette party is being sold and could end up on national TV by the end of the week. Luckily for Jenna, the cameraman missed "the high point . . . Jenna on all fours doing 'the butt dance' -- and doing it very well -- as guys were ogling her thong," said our source. Club patrons do the suggestive dance when the deejay plays the 1988 hit "Da Butt," by E.U. The president's blond daughter arrived at NerveAna, a '90s-themed lounge on Varick Street, at 10:30 p.m. last Friday with several other pretty young things in a battered old blue minivan. Sources said it was Jenna's third visit to the club, which features replicas of Monica Lewinsky's blue dress and O.J. Simpson's white Bronco. Jenna, who plans to teach school in D.C. next fall, wore jeans, moccasin boots and a midriff-baring, satiny blue top. She lit up a cigarette "and she was very polite when she was told she'd have to go outside to smoke," said our source. Before leaving at 3:30 a.m., Jenna and her pals gamely joined a conga line and danced around the club.


http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050418/lbo050419.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050509/lpo050509.gif

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2005/05/09/tomo/story.jpg

[Jeff Brady]

The president's blond daughter arrived at NerveAna, a '90s-themed lounge on Varick Street, at 10:30 p.m. last Friday with several other pretty young things in a battered old blue minivan.

This is ONE BLOCK from where I work.

[EdContradictory]

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/afp/20050410/capt.sge.fqz86.100405203449.photo00.photo.default-380x278.jpg

Don't worry, the4thpip, he'll get that rassafrassin' rabbit one of these days. Sure he will.

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2005/06/06/tomo/story.jpg

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050604/ltr050604.gif

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050611/ldb050612.gif

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/boll/2005/06/30/boll/story.gif

[Pixies Chick]

The Administration and the Fury
If William Faulkner were writing on the Bush White House.
By Sam Apple
February 23, 2005

Down the hall, under the chandelier, I could see them talking. They were walking toward me and Dick's face was white, and he stopped and gave a piece of paper to Rummy, and Rummy looked at the piece of paper and shook his head. He gave the paper back to Dick and Dick shook his head. They disappeared and then they were standing right next to me.

"Georgie's going to walk down to the Oval Office with me," Dick said.

"I just hope you got him all good and ready this time," Rummy said.

"Hush now," Dick said. "This aint no laughing matter. He know lot more than folks think." Dick patted me on the back good and hard. "Come on now, Georgie," Dick said. "Never mind you, Rummy."

We walked down steps to the office. There were paintings of old people on the walls and the room was round like a circle and Condi was sitting on my desk. Her legs were crossed.

"Did you get him ready for the press conference?" Dick said.

"Dont you worry about him. He'll be ready," Condi said. Condi stood up from the desk. Her legs were long and she smelled like the Xeroxed copies of the information packets they give me each day.

"Hello Georgie," Condi said. "Did you come to see Condi?" Condi rubbed my hair and it tickled.

"Dont go messing up his hair," Dick said. "Hes got a press conference in a few minutes."

Condi wiped some spit on her hand and patted down my hair. Her hand was soft and she smelled like Xerox copies coming right out of the machine. "He looks just fine," Condi said.

Fine day, isn't it, Georgie, Daddy said. Daddy was pitching horseshoes. Horseshoes flew through the air and it was hot. Jeb looked at me. Stand back or one of his horseshoes is going to hit you and knock you down real good, Jeb said. Jeb threw the horseshoe and it went right over the stick and Daddy clapped. Run and get me that horseshoe, Georgie, Daddy said. I ran and picked up the horseshoe. The metal was hot in my hands, and I held it for a little bit and then I dropped it. I picked it up. It was hot in my hands and I started running away from Daddy and Jeb. Come back with that horseshoe, Daddy said. I was running as fast as I could. Jeb run after him and get me my horseshoe before he throws another one in the river, Daddy hollered. Jeb was chasing after me fast. Come back with that horseshoe, Georgie, Jeb hollered. But I was fast and I kept running until I got to the river. Dont you dare throw that horseshoe in the river, Jeb said. I threw the horseshoe in the river. Jeb fell on the ground. Jeb kicked and cried and then I cried.

"He needs his makeup," Dick said.

"I'll do it," Condi said. She put a little brush on my check and it tickled and I laughed.

Rummy walked into the room. "Jesus, what's he laughing about," Rummy said.

"Dont you pay attention to him, Georgie," Dick said. "They're going to be asking you all about Social Security. You just remember what we talked about."

"He cant remember anything," Rummy said.

I started to holler. Dick's face was red and he looked at Rummy. "I told you to hush up already," Dick said. "Now look what you've gone and done."

"Go and get him Saddam's gun," Condi said. "You know how he likes to hold it."

Dick went to my desk drawer and took out Saddam's gun. He gave it to me, and it was hot in my hands. Rummy pulled the gun away.

"Do you want him carrying a gun into the press conference?" Rummy said. "Cant you think any better than he can?"

I was hollering and Dick was turning red and then white and the room was tilted.

"You give him that gun back, right this minute," Condi said. Rummy gave me Saddam's gun back and I held it my hands. It was hot like a horseshoe.

"You got the gun, now you stop that hollering," Rummy said.

Condi patted me on the back. "It sure is hot in here," she said. She fanned herself and took off her jacket. She smelled like perfume.
http://slate.msn.com/id/2113927/

ALTHOUGH
I LIKE A GOOD
GEORGE W. BUSH JOKE
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, SOME OF THEM SEEM GRATUITOUS AND
MEAN-SPIRITED.
BY MATT ALEXANDER
- - - -

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wouldn't a more relevant question be "How many pounds of cocaine has Bush snorted?"

- - - -

A doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant all die and go to heaven on the same day. When they get to the Pearly Gates, they are greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Scott McClellan is a lying sack of shit and I'd tell him so myself if he weren't going straight to hell when he dies."

- - - -

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A: I'm not sure, but if the answer is "A cure for Parkinson's disease," then Bush will try to stop scientists from breeding them. Because he likes it when people get Parkinson's.

- - - -

This guy walks into a bar carrying a small poodle in one hand and a bowling ball in the other. The guy says, "I'd like a glass of milk for me and a whiskey for my poodle." The bartender says, "Yeah? Well, I'd like an impartial and independent judiciary, but try telling that to Bush, Frist, and the rest of the GOP!"

- - - -

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a monkey?

A: I'm sorry, I can't think about that right now because I'm too busy wondering why Congress hasn't launched an official investigation into Bush lying to the American public about WMDs and leading us into a war under false pretenses. Tell you what—as soon as I solve that little riddle, I'll get to work on your little genetic experiment.

- - - -

Q: How many eggs does it take to make a good omelet?

A: Three. By the way, Tom DeLay is a hypocrite of the highest order.

- - - -

Did you hear that Bill Clinton hired a new intern? It turns out that his old intern had to go home and spend time with her family after her brother was killed in Iraq.

- - - -

Q: How many golf players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The answer may be locked away in the minutes of Cheney's secret energy meetings. However, conventional wisdom says that the meetings were probably about finding a Cabinet-level position for a pre-scandal Ken Lay or about doing business with the Taliban.

- - - -

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Under the Patriot Act, we don't have to tell you that.


http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/7/21alexander.html

[the4thpip]

http://www.suprmchaos.com/2dudes_bush-twins.jpg

[the4thpip]

From Andy Borowitz:

RAPPER 50 CENT 'OFFENDED' BY NOVAK'S LANGUAGE
Demands Warning Label for Foul-mouthed Pundit

Conservative pundit Bob Novak, suspended indefinitely by CNN for using a profanity on the air, received some harsh criticism from another quarter today as the rapper 50 Cent said he was "offended" by Mr. Novak's language.

At a press conference in Washington today, the platinum-selling rap artist expressed outrage at Mr. Novak's televised outburst, saying that it represented "a troubling lowering of the standards of discourse" and a "coarsening of the culture in general."

"I was sitting down to watch CNN with my children, as I always do," Mr. Cent told reporters, "and when I heard Bob Novak's remark, well, all I can say is that I was deeply, deeply offended."

Mr. Cent was not the only member of the rap community to be outraged by Mr. Novak's use of profanity, as thousands of rappers took to the streets of the nation's capital today to express their anger at the foul-mouthed pundit.

The protest, led by rappers Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z and Eminem, was orchestrated to put pressure on Congress to place warning labels on pundits such as Mr. Novak to alert parents that he may blurt out an explicit remark at any moment.

As for Mr. Cent, he said that even if CNN ultimately reinstates Mr. Novak, he has no intention of watching the potty-mouthed talking head again: "From now on, the only person I feel totally safe watching is Lou Dobbs."

Elsewhere, one day after a recess was declared in the North Korean nuclear talks, President Bush took advantage of the recess to name John Bolton President of North Korea.

[Ferrik]

GREENVILLE, South Carolina (AP) -- South Carolina Republicans say the Democrats owe them beer money.

In April, Anheuser-Busch Co. -- based in St. Louis, Missouri -- wrote a $5,000 check intended for the state Republican Party.

Instead, the envelope was addressed to the state Democratic Party, which promptly deposited the money.

Now, state GOP leaders say the South Carolina Democratic Party needs to return the beer money they are owed.

Democrats say the check is in the mail.

Katja Zastrow, Anheuser-Busch's regional director of governmental affairs in Washington, said in an e-mail statement that the check went astray "through a series of administrative oversights."

She said the company is working with both parties to resolve the situation.

Democrats say they have sent a refund check back to Anheuser-Busch: "Nobody should expect us to write a check to the Republican Party," said Lachlan McIntosh, the Democratic Party's executive director.

The GOP said the refund was sent only after it threatened a lawsuit.




I'm confused. Are they running a country or a frat house?

[Nick Soapdish]

GREENVILLE, South Carolina (AP) -- South Carolina Republicans say the Democrats owe them beer money.

In April, Anheuser-Busch Co. -- based in St. Louis, Missouri -- wrote a $5,000 check intended for the state Republican Party.

Instead, the envelope was addressed to the state Democratic Party, which promptly deposited the money.

Now, state GOP leaders say the South Carolina Democratic Party needs to return the beer money they are owed.

Democrats say the check is in the mail.

Katja Zastrow, Anheuser-Busch's regional director of governmental affairs in Washington, said in an e-mail statement that the check went astray "through a series of administrative oversights."

She said the company is working with both parties to resolve the situation.

Democrats say they have sent a refund check back to Anheuser-Busch: "Nobody should expect us to write a check to the Republican Party," said Lachlan McIntosh, the Democratic Party's executive director.

The GOP said the refund was sent only after it threatened a lawsuit.


Wow! That's actually a real news article.

So how the heck did the Democrats deposit it? Did Anheuser-Busch make it out to "cash" or something?

[PatrickG]

My $.02 as a libertarian is that liberals ARE funnier but that there's a reason for it beyond brain construction as I refuse to believe that politics are hardwired into us.

Humor generally relies on something familiar being upstaged by something unexpected and, I think, "humor" is something which can even transcend comedy in this regard.

The problem is that conservatives are generally fighting FOR the status quo and don't want to upstage it. Also, most conservative "humor" tends to display anger or animosity towards change or the unfamiliar.

Humor can have a bite but it falls flat the minute it becomes overtly hostile, whether the person doing it is liberal, conservative, whatever.

Even "angry" comics have an endearing quality and, as a rule, their appeal is still more limited than self-effacing, quirky or authority-targeting candidates.

I do think conservative humor was funnier ten years ago.

But a comedian, IMO, shouldn't go out of their way to defend anyone or anything.

As a rule, being conservative in the U.S. means that you're defending something, for better or worse.

Good comedians aren't typically very defensive, even of their own self-image. Or if they are. they can do so with enough irony that the audience doesn't have to agree with them.

Take "The Simpsons". There's a lot of equal opportunity humor there. If I had to guess, I'd peg Groening as a left-leaning civil libertarian -- which could well have some strong conservative streaks blended in there.

Not everyone who's funny is liberal. Drew Carey. Dave Barry.

But conservatism, which is rooted on taking the past seriously, tends to fall flat.

[the4thpip]

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2005/08/08/tomo/story.jpg

[Noah Johnson]

Eh. Far from Tomorrow's best work, if you ask me.

[the4thpip]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050809/ljd050809.gif

[the4thpip]

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[the4thpip]

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:D

[the4thpip]

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[the4thpip]

From Andy Borowitz...

November 28, 2005

IN RUN-UP TO WAR, BUSH CONSIDERED BOMBING NPR
British PM Blair Talked Him Down, New Report Says

A new report published today indicates that President George W. Bush briefly contemplated bombing National Public Radio in the run-up to the Iraq war but was ultimately talked out of it by British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

According to the report, Mr. Blair had just convinced Mr. Bush not to bomb the Arabic-language television network al-Jazeera when the president suddenly shifted gears, turning his sights on the left-leaning NPR.

"Those clowns at NPR have been tearing me a new one, Tony," the president reportedly said. "Well, that's nothing a good old daisy cutter wouldn't fix."

Mr. Blair reportedly raised strong objections to Mr. Bush's plan to bomb NPR, after which the president said, "All right already - I'll just cut their funding instead."

According to a source quoted in the report, the president had drawn up an elaborate plan that involved bombing several prominent media outlets including The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Charlie Rose Show.

"The only thing left standing was Fox News," the source is quoted as saying.

Mr. Bush was eventually talked out of bombing The Washington Post when a top aide reminded him, "If we take out the Post, we won't have any way to leak things to Bob Woodward."

As for bombing The New York Times, Mr. Bush ultimately backed down from his plan but suggested launching a smart bomb to take out the Op-Ed page.

Elsewhere, calling it a "rookie mistake," Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio) apologized today for taking to the floor of the House and stridently demanding that Hawaii be named a state.

[the4thpip]

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[EdContradictory]

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[the4thpip]

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

WASHINGTON, DC—Telephone logs recorded by the National Security Agency and obtained by Congress as part of an ongoing investigation suggest that the vice president may have used the Oval Office intercom system to address President Bush at crucial moments, giving categorical directives in a voice the president believed to be that of God.

While journalists and presidential historians had long noted Bush's deep faith and Cheney's powerful influence in the White House, few had drawn a direct correlation between the two until Tuesday, when transcripts of meetings that took place in March and April of 2002 became available.

In a transcript of an intercom exchange recorded in March 2002, a voice positively identified as the vice president's identifies himself as "the Lord thy God" and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as the use of torture in prisoner interrogations.

A close examination of Bush's public statements and Secret Service time logs tracking the vice president reveals a consistent pattern, one which links Bush's belief that he had received word from God with Cheney's use of the White House's telephone-based intercom system.

Officials privately acknowledged that there is reason to believe that the vice president, as God, urged Bush to sign legislation benefiting oil companies in 2005.

"There's a lot of religious zeal in the West Wing," said a former White House staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It's possible that the vice president has taken advantage of that to fast-track certain administration objectives."

An ex-Treasury Department official and longtime friend of Cheney was asked to comment on the vice president's possible subterfuge. "I don't know. I certainly don't think it's something [Cheney] planned," he said. "I do know that Mr. Bush was unfamiliar with a phone-based intercom, and I suppose it is possible that Dick took advantage of that."

A highly placed NSA official who has reviewed the information released Tuesday said Cheney masked his clipped monotone, employing a deeper, booming voice.

Said the NSA source: "It sounded as though the speaker, who identified himself as God, stood away from the intercom to create an echo effect."

On Capitol Hill, sources are expressing surprise that Cheney, a vice president with more influence than any other in U.S. history, would have resorted to such deception.

"The vice president has a lot of sway in this administration," said a former White House aide. "But perhaps when President Bush was particularly resolute and resistant to mortal persuasion, the vice president chose to quickly resolve disputes in his favor with a half-decent God impression."

For many, the revelation explains Bush's confusion in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

"I was very surprised by the president's slow response in New Orleans," political commentator Bill Kristol said. "The president told me that he was praying every day in his office, but had received no reply. I had no idea what he meant, but of course, it all makes sense now."

At the time of Katrina, Cheney was on a fly-fishing trip, from which he returned on Sept. 1.

According to highly placed White House sources, Bush's senior advisers are trying to shield the president from the news. Aides are concerned that too harsh an awakening might shake Bush's faith, which has been a central part of his life for nearly 20 years.

"It's hard to tell the leader of the free world that he has been the butt of an elaborate and long-term ruse," a former staffer said. "Maybe it would be easier to take if it came from Cheney's God voice."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43189/print/

[the4thpip]

http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/fiore/

[the4thpip]

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[the4thpip]

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[Thnikkaman]

That's gonna haunt my nightmares.

[the4thpip]

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[the4thpip]

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