When things end...

[Aspield]

Ok, so my boyfriend of the last three years and I are parting ways (different directions and all that). Its not the most amicable split, to be honest. I started it when I moved back to nyc and he stayed in dc. It wasn't just the move, but it was exacerbated by it.

Now we're at the point of splitting things, and things are getting uglier.

The thing I have questions about -- he wants to keep both dogs because he doesn't feel like they should be split and I left the relationship (therefore losing all rights to the dogs or anything else he wants to keep).

Initially we each got a dog - so there was 'his' dog and 'my' dog. Now he says 'our' dogs, that I'm a selfish bunghole for wanting to split them, that it will traumatize them, and that I just keep on taking.
Sigh.

Advice? Do I pursue getting my dog back? Should I just call him a loss and get another dog? Will this truly traumatize the dogs to seperate them?

[the4thpip]

Suggest that a third party take both dogs. Say, a friend the two of you still have in common.

If he really only cares about the dogs' welfare, he'll agree. If not, he is just being an asshole.

[sk716]

If the dogs get along, splitting them up will be traumatic for both dogs.

[Major Comma]

I like the4thpips idea.
and it doesnt split up the dogs .
If he refuses to give the dogs to a third party and he wont let you have both dogs ,
then leave the dogs with him .
Think of it as one last parting gift to the two of them.

[Reverend Smooth]

I'm actually going to go with 'split'. He can always get a companion for the current dog so they're not left alone during the day (if that's a concern), and you can take yours with you.

Sure, they'll be bummed out for a while, but they won't be scarred for life, and if they like your company, you can do activities with them, play with them more, etc, to ease them through it.

You're not a selfish asshole, anyway. IMO, he's being passive-aggressive. Take your dog with you. It won't cause irreparable emotional damage to the pets. They won't be traumatised, they won't be damaged, and it won't be the end of the world.

(When my ex left, she took one of her cats. The other two, she left. One of the ones she left behind was happier with her gone; the other was quite depressed. But just getting lots of attention made the latter get over it and become very friendly and affectionate.)

[bert]

Ok, so my boyfriend of the last three years and I are parting ways (different directions and all that). Its not the most amicable split, to be honest. I started it when I moved back to nyc and he stayed in dc. It wasn't just the move, but it was exacerbated by it.

Now we're at the point of splitting things, and things are getting uglier.

The thing I have questions about -- he wants to keep both dogs because he doesn't feel like they should be split and I left the relationship (therefore losing all rights to the dogs or anything else he wants to keep).

Initially we each got a dog - so there was 'his' dog and 'my' dog. Now he says 'our' dogs, that I'm a selfish bunghole for wanting to split them, that it will traumatize them, and that I just keep on taking.
Sigh.

Advice? Do I pursue getting my dog back? Should I just call him a loss and get another dog? Will this truly traumatize the dogs to seperate them?

Awww. . I'm so sorry :(

(((hugs)))

I would let the dogs stay together, I really do think it would traumatize them.

I wouldn't call it a loss, I'd make it clear that you would like to have occasional "visitation" - even if it's just a quick visit to them when you're in town.

but I would let him keep both dogs together, if YOU taking both of them isn't an option.

[Reverend Smooth]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.

[Aspield]

Suggest that a third party take both dogs. Say, a friend the two of you still have in common.

If he really only cares about the dogs' welfare, he'll agree. If not, he is just being an asshole.

Great idea. Alas, we have no mutual friends (an ongoing issue).

Last night, I was visiting and he decided to get in my face, screaming, and push me. All because of 'the dogs'.
I told him I refuse to be the bad guy and fight him (besides I'm 37, fist fights are no longer cute).

Argh!

[Aspield]

Awww. . I'm so sorry :(

(((hugs)))

I would let the dogs stay together, I really do think it would traumatize them.

I wouldn't call it a loss, I'd make it clear that you would like to have occasional "visitation" - even if it's just a quick visit to them when you're in town.

but I would let him keep both dogs together, if YOU taking both of them isn't an option.

Thanks, bert.
He refuses to let me keep both dogs.

[Reverend Smooth]

This definitely sounds like a vendetta on his part more than concern. Take your dog and get away from him.

[Aspield]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.

I tend to agree, Rev. I wanted to hear other's views because this is my first dog and I don't know much about pets, to be honest.
I just miss my dog and want him with me in nyc!

One of the issues is that my dog is a little older and more grounded; his dog is more high strung. I think the ex is more worried about how his dog will handle it, to be honest, rather than the two of them.

[Reverend Smooth]

The ex can acquire another dog. He could, say, call the local shelter, and explain that he has a dog who might need a companion and is somewhat high-strung; do they have any mellow dog-friendly dogs that they could meet and see if they might get along?

Places like this are invested in adopting out dogs and not seeing them returned a week later; they should be able to find a decent match. That's usually part of the process of finding homes anyway, making sure they integrate well with their new family.

[Corrina]

Thanks, bert.
He refuses to let me keep both dogs.

He's using them as leverage in a power struggle. Ick.

I am not a dog expert, so I only offer this:
Step back, and think *only* of what you sincerely believe is best for *your* dog. Then decide based on that. Don't get pulled into his drama.

[Major Comma]

Well ,if he is being that hateful, perhaps you should just take your dog and if your boyfriend can get a new companion for his dog ,
If and when you feel the time is right you can do the same for your dog .
I am so sorry that this is happening to you .

[Aspield]

Well ,if he is being that hateful, perhaps you should just take your dog and if your boyfriend can get a new companion for his dog ,
If and when you feel the time is right you can do the same for your dog .
I am so sorry that this is happening to you .

Thanks. Its a lesson in nipping things when they start to go bad, rather than hoping for things to turn around.

Oh, and co-mingling finances makes things ridiculously more complicated.

[bert]

Thanks. Its a lesson in nipping things when they start to go bad, rather than hoping for things to turn around.

Oh, and co-mingling finances makes things ridiculously more complicated.

Hugs again!

The only things that should be co-mingling are body parts :). . . but again, this is coming form someone who bought a house w/ his partner of over 5 years. Of course, we DO manintain separate bank accounts.

I truly feel that the dog would be traumatized. I'd only take it if thought that your ex might mistreat it.

otherwise, it's probably kinder to leave the dogs togehter, and for you to get another pet.



and if you were coming to Con, I'd take you out for drinks and comfort you. . yeah. .that's the word. . . "comfort"


:)

.

[Aspield]

Hugs again!

The only things that should be co-mingling are body parts :). . . but again, this is coming form someone who bought a house w/ his partner of over 5 years. Of course, we DO manintain separate bank accounts.

I truly feel that the dog would be traumatized. I'd only take it if thought that your ex might mistreat it.

otherwise, it's probably kinder to leave the dogs togehter, and for you to get another pet.



and if you were coming to Con, I'd take you out for drinks and comfort you. . yeah. .that's the word. . . "comfort"


:)

.

Drinks and comfort are always appreciated. Lol.

Thanks for the kindness and input. As always, a lot to think about.

[Aspield]

He's using them as leverage in a power struggle. Ick.

I am not a dog expert, so I only offer this:
Step back, and think *only* of what you sincerely believe is best for *your* dog. Then decide based on that. Don't get pulled into his drama.

You're right. Its TOTALLY about power.

Sincerely, I think my dog is best with me. I'm more able to take care of hiim, walk him, all those things. The ex doesn't like to walk the dogs.

[shrike]

He's using them as leverage in a power struggle. Ick.

I am not a dog expert, so I only offer this:
Step back, and think *only* of what you sincerely believe is best for *your* dog. Then decide based on that. Don't get pulled into his drama.

An ex of mine did this with Baby Kitty, but I ended up saying f to that and keeping the cat... she was better off with me, anyways.

Crappy situation to be in, however... sorry to the OP for the stress they must be going through.

[shrike]

bleh, double post.

[Village Idiot]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.

I agree wholeheartedly. After a day or so, the dogs will be fine. They will get used to being without the other so fast it will amaze you.

Stressing what Cesar Millan says:

Dogs live in the moment, not the past.

[Village Idiot]

Ok, so my boyfriend of the last three years and I are parting ways (different directions and all that).

The thing I have questions about -- he wants to keep both dogs because he doesn't feel like they should be split and I left the relationship (therefore losing all rights to the dogs or anything else he wants to keep).

Initially we each got a dog - so there was 'his' dog and 'my' dog. Now he says 'our' dogs, that I'm a selfish bunghole for wanting to split them, that it will traumatize them, and that I just keep on taking.
Sigh.



Maybe he is just trying to be the one in control. Allow it or don't, but separating the dogs will do them no long term harm.

[veracity]

I don't think your dog will be traumatized. Why? Because very often if an older pet dies or a split occurs, the dog will adjust to the situation. They're not like people, pining away. Usually. I saw dogs do this at my job all the time. If you feel like your dog will get lonely, then you can get another dog later after the pup has adjusted to the new life and become confident in the new role.

This applies to your ex as well. Using the dog as a punishment tool, knowing you want your dog back, does not make his comments okay. It means he's being a twit, frankly. It's your dog, especially if it's bonded to you. If you've paid for medical care, that can be your legal leverage (or so reality court shows tell me). I think you will provide a more stable environment as you want the pet. I'm afraid the dog might get the short end because of the constant reminder and eventually given away or taken to a shelter when the usefulness is up. Often happens with spiteful people.

Dogs are extremely adaptive.

[Reverend Smooth]

You're right. Its TOTALLY about power.

Sincerely, I think my dog is best with me. I'm more able to take care of hiim, walk him, all those things. The ex doesn't like to walk the dogs.
Take him. Seriously.

[the4thpip]

Good point... If the dog is bonded to you and sees you as the alpha, it will be more traumatized by losing you than by losing its dog buddy.

When my friend's son was killed by a drunk driver, the boy's dog never got over it. She cannot be left alone ever since.

[Aspield]

Well I wanted to say THANKS for all your advice.
I picked up my dog this past Saturday and took the train back to NYC. He's adjusting to life in the city, but seems to enjoy most of it. Yes, he misses his doggie companion, but he doesn't seem too out-of-it.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE!
I'm incredibly happy he's here with me. :redface:

[KevinTBrown]

Well I wanted to say THANKS for all your advice.
I picked up my dog this past Saturday and took the train back to NYC. He's adjusting to life in the city, but seems to enjoy most of it. Yes, he misses his doggie companion, but he doesn't seem too out-of-it.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE!
I'm incredibly happy he's here with me. :redface:

I'm glad you did that. Everything will work out.... he's got a great owner. :smile:

[Sarah Beach]

Well, yay! Obviously you and your dog (at least) belong together! Glad he's settling into the Big Apple.

And I'm glad you're happy with him.

[sk716]

Make sure to set aside a little time every day for doggie/Daddy time. Try to do it at the same time every day so it becomes routine. It'll help with the separation issues.

[Aspield]

Make sure to set aside a little time every day for doggie/Daddy time. Try to do it at the same time every day so it becomes routine. It'll help with the separation issues.
Great advice. Thanks!
He did bark at the door today when I left for work, but he was ecstatic to go on a walk at 5 30. He was completely wore out.
I live by a cool dog run.

[Aspield]

I'm glad you did that. Everything will work out.... he's got a great owner. :smile:
Awww, thanks, kevin!
:tongue:

[thespianphryne]

Doesn't like to walk the dogs? Please arrange to have the other dog mysteriously run away to you.

[Solaris]

Why would it traumatise them?

I think people want to anthropomorphise pets a little too much. While I, say, get emo over pets being sent to the shelter, the ones who get adopted out usually adjust very well to having new families.

When breeders sell dogs, they often keep them for up to a year to make sure temperament and conformation are sound; these dogs adjust very well to their new families, too.

When racing greyhounds get adopted out, they usually bond well with their new families, and on and on.

Dogs are resilient creatures. Give them a loving pack, and they'll usually adjust.


I have to back Rev on this, but include one more point:

While your dog may indeed miss the other dog and vice versa, what about your dog missing YOU? Either way you look at it, both dogs are going to end up missing *someone*... so take your dog with you, give him/her extra love and affection and treats like trips to the park or whatever, and if he/she remains depressed after a month or two, then look into finding a shelter dog he/she gets along with.

And your ex should do the same with the other dog.

I will say this for both pets and children: when a breakup occurs, people who really care often try to put themselves last, and try to think of it from the POV of the pets/kids. It's a wonderful, noble, unselfish thing to do---but in the process, we somehow never put ourselves *back* into the picture enough to realize that the pet or child is *going* to miss us... and that can be very traumatic.

Sure, the other dog is a buddy---but YOU are the pack leader, the person he/she depends on, the source of love and food and play and all good things. Losing you will really tear him/her up.

When I got divorced, I did this. I was so concerned over trying to keep so many things the same in the girls' lives (house, school, etc.) I forgot to factor in how little those things mattered to them, compared to my role in their lives... and by trying to be unselfish and "do the right thing by them," I let myself get steamrolled by my ex (who used all those arguments, plus the "I'll fight you tooth and nail, and you don't want them to feel fought over, do you?" argument) into hurting them far more than if I'd stop to think how they'd feel about *me* not being the parent with possessive custody.

Take your dog. Heck, if you need to, fight for *both* dogs. But don't let him play on your feelings of guilt and your desire to be so unselfish you totally put yourself out of the picture... because to your dog (or your child), you're NEVER out of the picture.

[Solaris]

Well I wanted to say THANKS for all your advice.
I picked up my dog this past Saturday and took the train back to NYC. He's adjusting to life in the city, but seems to enjoy most of it. Yes, he misses his doggie companion, but he doesn't seem too out-of-it.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE!
I'm incredibly happy he's here with me. :redface:

Aha! You did it. Good. :smile:

[Cam63]

Yay, Asp' :)

[Reverend Smooth]

Yay. :3 :3 :3

[Aspield]

Aha! You did it. Good. :smile:

Yes I did. Thanks for your advice, and, as usual, thoughtfulness.

It was largely advice from yabsters that i went through with it, honestly.

I couldn't take the other dog - the ex refused absolutely. And he was already looking for another dog for their life.

My little bat hound (his name is ace) and I are doing pretty good. He loves walking around the city. And my neighborhood is crazy dog friendly.

[Christopher Cross Is God]

Great idea. Alas, we have no mutual friends (an ongoing issue).

Last night, I was visiting and he decided to get in my face, screaming, and push me. All because of 'the dogs'.
I told him I refuse to be the bad guy and fight him (besides I'm 37, fist fights are no longer cute).

Argh!


Should've done the Three Stooges eye-poke in retaliation.

Originally, I would have said let him have the two dogs........But if he's going to be that confrontational about it, to the extent of being an overly-emotional asshole, keep your dog.



He's using them as leverage in a power struggle. Ick.


Agreed.....And, however remote it may be, there's the possibility he may become abusive towards Aspield's dog due to remembering whose dog it originally was.