Am I a bad guy????????????????

[THEDOC]

So anyway I have this friend who when I was homeless back in the mid-nities, would let me sleep on his couch and he and his then gf would feed me and hang around. I eventually got back on my feet and things were fine.
So years later he calls all distraught, as he has the mom from hell (she would make Marie on "Raymond" look docile), who he doesn't stand up too and his new g/f had enough and left when he wouldn't confront the mom on her interference. He called me as mentioning suicide, which having been through that I took seriously, my wife and I invited to stay at my house for the weekend and at the end of the because he seemed somewhat better, so that crisis passed.
Ok, so about two years ago he calls me stating his car got booted and when he went down to pay the fine only to find out his parents had bought cars under his name and recieved tickets and never paid them, as the cars were in his name he is responsible (it was in the thousands), well I ask so why don't you confront them or explain to IDOT, well he couldn't as he says he never finished high school (I did not know that), and his mom was holding that over his head as she would tell his employer and he would be fired), so I lend him about $500 or so to get a car someone in his neighborhood was selling.
So, ok not a big amount and he would pay me back when he could, BUT again he calls, seems his roomate has just told him he is moving out that week and now my friend has to look for another roommate, but the rent is due and doesn't have enough to cover his half and that of his ex-roommate, again, he's talkin' that "S" word again so after much talk with the wife we lend him about $550.00. Again he promises to pay back the loans. OK I still felt beholden to him due to when he helped me when I needed it.
So he gets a new roommate and things are quiet, and I hadn't heard from him, so I call and see how he is doing, well now his new car isn't working so well and they cut his hours at work so he needed the car to get to work and didn't have the money for the repairs, yep I offer to help as in my mind without a job we won't see any money so he gets $1,000.00. He says he will pay with his tax refund he will be getting that Spring.
So Spring comes and goes, we do get $300.00 via Paypal, then no word and so in June I e-mail him to see what's up, well he had more car issues but promised he would start paying in August. At this point In had lost my job at Chase and had another part time job at less money, and was dipping into my inheritance to pay for some medical bills due to my wife's illness, dental work and the mortgage.

So now it's August and no word fvrfo my friend,,BUT I see on FaceBook, he'll be at Chicago Comic Con, and he is a big Punisher, Star Wars and things like that. So my wife writes him this on a PM via FB:

Hey #####-

It's Krista, Going to Wizard? Hope you have a good time. Happy to hear you can afford to go now. Can you send us a check this week? My crowns are finally in at my dentist and need to pay for them.

Talk to you soon!

My question is are we wrong that we are mildly pissed that he can go to CCC (don't know if for the whole weekend or not), we want him be be happy but we really need our cash back. I like the guy, he has no friends except FB and me and I still feel somewhat bad for him.
We are going Sunday only because we get guest passes due to INTER-FAN. Heck, I don't have dough to get to comics I want to publish and are ready to go but can't get them printed.
Advise??

[GeorgieGirl]

Your wife is a better woman than me. I don't know that I would have the restraint that your wife showed in that fb post. I fear that I'd leave CCC in handcuffs.:mad:

I would confront him, for sure. What's the worst that could happen? He STILL doesn't pay you back?

[GozertheGozarian]

You're being used, cut him loose.

[Romero]

I don't think you are wrong for this. You are entitled to the money. However, short of legal action, you may not ever get it. You can keep trying but you may just have to write it, and him, off.

[dupont2005]

yeah i would be pissed. i have had friends do big favors for me and i always took repaying them as an absolute top priority. i would expect them to do the same. i know some of my "friends" do not feel the same, and i can only consider them acquaintances really, because real friends would not abuse their friendship status. i would loan a really good friend money, and i wouldn't expect it back right away, but if they were out spending all kinds of money on themselves and not paying me i would be pissed

[Major Comma]

You could tell him you wish him luck ,
But you cant afford to help him anymore.
See what happens then.

[Hybrid2]

It's not all but you did get some money back.So at least it dont look like he's using you.

[mgs]

You're being used, cut him loose.
exactly. doesn't sound like a friend anyways. to me. he helped you out and you did the same. but it's over. how much of a 'friend' could one be if they are paying you back via paypal?

sure, it would be nice to get the money back, but maybe with less stress, you can move on?

[rick]

Old Hungarian saying

”Never lend money you ever expect to see again”

[DungeonmasterJim]

If there's two things I've learned from watching too much Judge Judy it's never lend money to another person and never get involved with a cell phone for another person. I swear, between the two it makes up 75% of the cases on the show.


DM Jim

[mgs]

and never get involved with a cell phone for another person.

'get involved'? :confused:

lol.

[Cam63]

You want me to send WhiteRose 'round ?

[SUPERECWFAN1]

The worst , positive way to kill a friendship is to let friends borrow money. Everytime I see it on CBR , or off-line the situation always ends up bad. And the friends never stay friends for long.

I'd see if he pays ...before cutting him loose. And the way ya talk its been years. Wow....

[Sarah Beach]

It's one thing to extend help when you can afford it. But you should not get into the mind-set that because he helped you at one time you needed it that you are obligated every time he says he needs it.

If he gets into financial problems because he can't stand up for himself to his parent (and what kind of parents are those?), you should NOT feel obligated to rescue him.

And to ask for repayment of a debt he agreed to pay -- especially when YOU NEED THE MONEY, that does NOT make you a "bad guy".

Hope things turn out well for you!

[section 8]

He's playing you.

It looks to me like he's COUNTING on you to be too conflicted to confront him.

If this is the case then he WILL throw the fact that he once helped you in his face when you get him cornered.

[FeminineMystique]

So anyway I have this friend who when I was homeless back in the mid-nities, would let me sleep on his couch and he and his then gf would feed me and hang around. I eventually got back on my feet and things were fine.
So years later he calls all distraught, as he has the mom from hell (she would make Marie on "Raymond" look docile), who he doesn't stand up too and his new g/f had enough and left when he wouldn't confront the mom on her interference. He called me as mentioning suicide, which having been through that I took seriously, my wife and I invited to stay at my house for the weekend and at the end of the because he seemed somewhat better, so that crisis passed.
Ok, so about two years ago he calls me stating his car got booted and when he went down to pay the fine only to find out his parents had bought cars under his name and recieved tickets and never paid them, as the cars were in his name he is responsible (it was in the thousands), well I ask so why don't you confront them or explain to IDOT, well he couldn't as he says he never finished high school (I did not know that), and his mom was holding that over his head as she would tell his employer and he would be fired), so I lend him about $500 or so to get a car someone in his neighborhood was selling.
So, ok not a big amount and he would pay me back when he could, BUT again he calls, seems his roomate has just told him he is moving out that week and now my friend has to look for another roommate, but the rent is due and doesn't have enough to cover his half and that of his ex-roommate, again, he's talkin' that "S" word again so after much talk with the wife we lend him about $550.00. Again he promises to pay back the loans. OK I still felt beholden to him due to when he helped me when I needed it.
So he gets a new roommate and things are quiet, and I hadn't heard from him, so I call and see how he is doing, well now his new car isn't working so well and they cut his hours at work so he needed the car to get to work and didn't have the money for the repairs, yep I offer to help as in my mind without a job we won't see any money so he gets $1,000.00. He says he will pay with his tax refund he will be getting that Spring.
So Spring comes and goes, we do get $300.00 via Paypal, then no word and so in June I e-mail him to see what's up, well he had more car issues but promised he would start paying in August. At this point In had lost my job at Chase and had another part time job at less money, and was dipping into my inheritance to pay for some medical bills due to my wife's illness, dental work and the mortgage.

So now it's August and no word fvrfo my friend,,BUT I see on FaceBook, he'll be at Chicago Comic Con, and he is a big Punisher, Star Wars and things like that. So my wife writes him this on a PM via FB:



My question is are we wrong that we are mildly pissed that he can go to CCC (don't know if for the whole weekend or not), we want him be be happy but we really need our cash back. I like the guy, he has no friends except FB and me and I still feel somewhat bad for him.
We are going Sunday only because we get guest passes due to INTER-FAN. Heck, I don't have dough to get to comics I want to publish and are ready to go but can't get them printed.
Advise??

It doesn't sound like you're being a bad guy to me. It's not like you've sent a loan shark to break the guys legs if he doesn't pay you back, you're just reasonably asking him when he's going to pay you back. And yeah if he can afford a convention trip he should be able to give you some of your money back.

It sounds like he's in a bad situation but if he CAN pay you back then he should. It's not unreasonable to ask him when he'll be able to do so

Your wife is a better woman than me. I don't know that I would have the restraint that your wife showed in that fb post. I fear that I'd leave CCC in handcuffs.:mad:

I would confront him, for sure. What's the worst that could happen? He STILL doesn't pay you back?

I leave most conventions in handcuffs. But I enter most conventions in handcuffs as well so that's alright:wink:

[Charles RB]

If he can afford a convention, he should be able to afford some cheques to pay you back as well. Since he's not doing it and since you've given him a large amount to help him out, you're not a bad guy to confront him.

I agree with everyone else who said to not give him any more.

[THEDOC]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Well my wife was hesitant to write anything either. I am going to give him some time to see what happens as he hasn't responded yet.
His parents are both a piece of work and how anyone would treat their child (grown up or not) like that is someting I can't get my head around. Believe me they've done more than what I wrote.
I don't think he is playing me I just think he's stuck on what to do and yes, there is that "S" factor I worry about as I just don't know if I could stand hearing he offed himself, so I may just have to chalk this up as a lesson learned and break any friendship with him. Will keep ya all updated.
It's a shame too as the guy is really talented. He used to paint models for people and he would make these things look so real, Star War ships and characters, horror characters, stuff like that. He also was making masks of Freddie Kruger by hand which were fantastic and he sold quite a few, but money and his parents set in so he stopped.

[THEDOC]

dupe post!!!

[THEDOC]

dupe post!!!

[GozertheGozarian]

He's played the suicide card more than once. He knows it has power over you. If it happens again, offer counseling and moral support and nothing else.

[Sarah Beach]

Suicide is a selfish act. Telling people who care about you that you are thinking about suicide is emotional blackmail.

Yes, we should pay attention to those who are hurting enough to display suicidal tendencies. I do think every life has value. But the point is EVERY life has value, and Doc, you shouldn't be draining your own life to try and fill the black hole of someone else's need. There is no bottom to that hole.

Set boundaries and stick to them. I think you've reached the point where you need to tell this friend that although you care and will listen when he needs to talk, you no longer have the means to give him financial help.

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

I would agree with not giving him any more money, particularly since he doesn't seem to grasp he's supposed to be trying to pay it back.

I've had similar disasters recently (Not with friends, with financial emergencies) and I understand what it's like. But it's horrible to treat other people like ATM machines. He needs to realize you're not a bottomless pit of ready cash to bail him out whenever trouble strikes and to try to get his finances in some semblence of order himself.

Oh, and another note? On occasion, I've felt suicidal and one thing that kept me from doing it was NOT wanting to stick my family with my debts.

[K-DoG7p7]

next time he uses the Emo card just say
"Well its better to quit now then to spend the rest of your life living a lameduck life"

[DungeonmasterJim]

'get involved'? :confused:

lol.

Judge Judy has a constant stream of cases where somebody buys a cell phone for another person as a gift or the like and the person that gets the phone doesn't pay the monthly bill. And those bills seem to wrack up quickly into the hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars. So the person that purchased it gets nailed for having to pay thus they have to sue the defendant to recoup some or all of the money.

DM Jim

[THEDOC]

Again thanks for the advise. I won't be giving him any more money that's for sure.
I tried the "S" back when I was really down and fortunately it didn't work and I checked myself into a hospital, I never said anything I just did it, so I know that when he mentions it he most likely won't do it but I still fear he will and I'l find out later.
Anyway, I'm going to CCC tomorrow and bug Stillwell and Crowley.

[bert]

without hearing both sides, you can't really be sure what's going on.

maybe he's getting to go to CCC for free with a friend who's paying his way?

maybe he's only going for one day?

maybe after paying his current bills, he only has enough to cover going to this Con, and after months of shittyness, he feels he needs a bit of enjoyment in his life?



the fact he's paid some money back says to me his intentions are good.

but as someone stated earlier (DMJim?), don't lend money you ever expect to get back.

Do I think you're a bad person for wanting your money back? no, not at all. But I don't think you should have sent him that email noting that if he can afford to go to Con, can he pay you.

it would have been more tactful just to note that you could really use the money and were wondering when you would be seeing more.

that's my 2cents.

[Sarah Beach]

Again thanks for the advise. I won't be giving him any more money that's for sure.
I tried the "S" back when I was really down and fortunately it didn't work and I checked myself into a hospital, I never said anything I just did it, so I know that when he mentions it he most likely won't do it but I still fear he will and I'l find out later.
Anyway, I'm going to CCC tomorrow and bug Stillwell and Crowley.

I am truly sorry you were brought to such a low point that you considered it. That you tried, and then checked yourself into a hospital after failing, shows how far you are from trying to use those feelings as a weapon against the world. And I am glad you are still here with us.

And definitely! bug Stillwell and Crowley! :biggrin:

[THEDOC]

Thanks Sarah, that's very nice of you.. Yeah 98 was not a good year. Take meds now and had some ECT, (no it's not like how they did it in "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest") so though I still get depressed not as bad as it was.
I'll say hey to Tom and Brian for you.

I leave most conventions in handcuffs. But I enter most conventions in handcuffs as well so that's alright:wink:

I want to know more about that.

[Aspield]

It's understandable that you'd want your money back. At some kind of rate.

And, IMO, people who threaten suicide as a means of negotiating debt are not necessarily people that you want in your inner circle. I get that he did you a huge favor back in the day but you did him a solid too.

It SUCKS that this social obligation now involves your wife. Sometimes that's the best way to keep boundaries. My brother used to always loan money out to family, but since his marriage and 2 girls, he's been much better at saying NO.

[THEDOC]

Well she was completely for helping him out as he is a nice guy. But after the last loan then no communuication and the medical issues we now have, her attitude changed sonmewhat as has mine. This guy has no friends and so, oh well.