dingo
02-28-2009, 09:35 PM
Hey guys. I thought I'd try my hand at writing.
Below is the first five pages of a graphic novel script I'm writing. It's mostly an exercise in writing, but I want to do as well as I can so I'd appreciate any and all feedback.
Thematically, the story is about hope, and how it isn't always a good thing. If I was going to categorise it I'd say it's sci-fi, but I'm not sure that is a perfect fit.
PAGE 1
PANEL 1
This panel is a very large one; it should take up roughly the top two-thirds of the page, if not more. The majority of the panel is a very tight close up of Daniel. He is very beat up. He has one eye that is so puffed up it is closed, his lips are swollen and split, and his nose is broken. Just to the right of him we see the nozzle of a gun. His one remaining good eye is looking to the right, as if it were looking at whoever is holding the gun. Actually it is Daniel holding it, committing suicide, but we want to give the impression that someone else is killing him. The idea is to have one of those stories that starts at the ending, and then explains how it got to that point, but with a twist.
CAPTION: It’s a horrible cliché, but it’s true.
PANEL 2
This panel is a tight shot of the gun, with a finger squeezing the trigger.
SOUND EFFECT: BLAM
CAPTION: The moment before you die, your life really does flash before your eyes.
PANEL 3
Here we see Daniel on the floor, blood pooling around his head. His right arm should be obscured so that we can’t see the gun in his hand, and the room should be obscured so that there is a possibility that there was someone else in the room with him. I will give you a better description of this room once I write the ending.
CAPTION: For me, that moment felt like an eternity.
PAGE 2
PANEL 1
Establishing shot of a farm, possibly an aerial view. The farm house has stone walls and a thatched roof. A small plume of smoke is rising from a chimney. If it is possible composition-wise there should be a small figure working in the field with a hoe. It is day time; the sky is cloudy but fine, with the sun behind the figure working in the field, casting a shadow forwards; toward the reader. Feel free to do something odd with the angle to spice up the opening a bit.
TITLE CAPTION: Warwickshire, England. More than five centuries ago
Note: This shouldn't be in a caption box; it is a scene setting title.
CAPTION: I came into this world over five hundred years ago, in the year of our lord fifteen hundred and four.
PANEL 2
This one is a mid shot of the farmer (Simon). He looks rustic and simple. He has a bushy beard. He is working in the field. He looks pensive and thoughtful. He is casting a shadow in front of him, sun behind him.
CAPTION: My father had, at that stage, already been married to my mother for three years. She had failed to bear him any children in that time, which was something of an embarrassment to the both of them.
CAPTION: After all, it was a very different time.
PANEL 3
A close shot of the farmer, showing just his head and shoulders. He looks thoughtful with a slight hint of worry.
CAPTION: Years later my father told me of the terrible treatment my mother suffered at the hands the other women in the area. Snide remarks were the least of it. She was something of a pariah.
CAPTION: Apparently her mental state was his main concern in life.
PANEL 4
In this panel the farmer is shielding his eyes from an apparently very bright source of light. I would like to keep the source of the light off panel for a reveal on the next page. One suggestion I have for showing the light is there though would be that his hand might cast a shadow over his face, obviously the opposite direction to the sun. The farmer is very surprised, mouth agape.
SIMON: Lord Almighty.
CAPTION: That would change soon enough, for you see…
PAGE 3
PANEL 1
This panel should be quite large, taking up at least half of the page as it is something of a reveal. Whether it is top or left side I leave up to you. The source of the light is an energy portal through which a toddler of about two years old has fallen through. Maybe this panel could be looking over the shoulder of the farmer.
CAPTION: … when I said “I came into this world”, it wasn’t just a turn of phrase.
SOUND EFFECT: WAAAAHHHHH
PANEL 2
The toddler is lying in the dirt, bawling. The farmer is bending over him, reaching out towards the child.
CAPTION: I couldn’t imagine what my father was thinking at that moment.
CAPTION: I often wonder if he would have adopted me were that all there was to it. I like to think he would have.
SOUND EFFECT: WAAAAHHHHH
PANEL 3
A few feet behind the toddler another portal has opened up. Maybe this panel could be composed of the farmers back in the fore-ground, the toddler in the mid and the portal behind him. It is entirely up to you though. All that needs to be in the panel is the new portal opening up and some sort of reference point to show it isn’t far away.
CAPTION: My father never really told me what he thought of my appearing out of nowhere like that. Perhaps he wondered if I was demon spawn. Who knows? But even if he did, a sign from God soon followed that would put to rest any thoughts along those lines.
PAGE 4
PANEL 1
This panel is a shot that encompasses the new portal and a half dozen bricks of gold that have fallen out. The gold bricks have some writing imprinted on them. It may be a bit hard to work out, but the first three panels of this page shouldn’t take up too much room, because there is a lot to fit in panel five.
CAPTION: -A sign that no man would ignore.
PANEL 2
This should be a fairly small panel, just showing the farmers face, greed in his eyes.
PANEL 3
The farmer is picking up the toddler.
CAPTION: It takes a special kind of man to pick up a child instead and leave a fortune lying there. My mother was especially proud of that point. She often mentioned it in the later years of her life.
PANEL 4
The farmer is carrying the child to the farmhouse we saw earlier.
CAPTION: I guess I have always tried to be like my father, always looking after those who need it first.
PANEL 5
We’re inside the house now. The walls are bare stone on the inside. If you can it would be great to add some homey touches. Maybe you could have a cooking pot hanging over a fire place. In the shot somewhere prominent needs to be the gold bricks, stacked on a table perhaps. The last thing I need to see in this panel is the farmer’s wife (Rebecca). She should be holding the child with a look of joy on her face. If you can fit the farmer in I’d like him to be looking thoughtful.
CAPTION: Although there is no reason why you can’t help people and look after yourself.
REBECCA: He’s answered prayer. That’s what he is. He’ll be called Daniel, after me father.
PAGE 5
PANEL 1
The interior of the cabin, with Simon sat on one side of the table, Rebecca opposite him nursing the baby (Daniel) and between them are the half dozen gold bars.
CAPTION: My father was a relatively uneducated farmer, working a baron’s land for a pittance. But ignorant isn’t the same as stupid. In more than five centuries I have met very few people who understand human nature better than he did.
SIMON: The baron would have his hands on those as soon as he laid his eyes on them. And lord knows how we’ll explain the sudden appearance of Daniel there.
REBECCA: I’ll not give up my boy. He’s a gift from God.
SIMON: I can’t disagree. I’ve never seen anything appear from the sky like that. Aye, it seems he was heaven sent. And the gold is a very welcome gift from God too. Still, we’ll have to be careful not to attract attention. Men have killed for much less gold than this.
SIMON: Nobody must know about this. Nobody.
PANEL 2
Rebecca is holding Daniel. Feel free to have her moved somewhere else around the home if it makes for a more interesting composition.
REBECCA: I would’ve liked to parade this little angel in front of those witches in the village. But that would cause more commotion than those old hags see in a month. I’ll not give anyone reason to take him from me. I’ve often wanted to see London.
PANEL 3
Simon is holding one of the gold bars. We see his face; he is looking at one of the gold bars as he speaks. He looks thoughtful again.
SIMON: London is good. Lots of people there for us to hide among. Nobody who knows us. Nobody to ask questions.
PANEL 4
This panel should be either a from Simons point of view, or over his shoulder, whichever you prefer. He is looking at the imprinted writing on the gold bar.
15° 33' 8" South
125° 12' 10.73" East
3:14 pm January 10th 2009 A.D.
SIMON: Questions I can’t answer for myself, let alone to others satisfaction.
I have another seventy odd pages written if anyone wants to see more for some reason. :smile:
Below is the first five pages of a graphic novel script I'm writing. It's mostly an exercise in writing, but I want to do as well as I can so I'd appreciate any and all feedback.
Thematically, the story is about hope, and how it isn't always a good thing. If I was going to categorise it I'd say it's sci-fi, but I'm not sure that is a perfect fit.
PAGE 1
PANEL 1
This panel is a very large one; it should take up roughly the top two-thirds of the page, if not more. The majority of the panel is a very tight close up of Daniel. He is very beat up. He has one eye that is so puffed up it is closed, his lips are swollen and split, and his nose is broken. Just to the right of him we see the nozzle of a gun. His one remaining good eye is looking to the right, as if it were looking at whoever is holding the gun. Actually it is Daniel holding it, committing suicide, but we want to give the impression that someone else is killing him. The idea is to have one of those stories that starts at the ending, and then explains how it got to that point, but with a twist.
CAPTION: It’s a horrible cliché, but it’s true.
PANEL 2
This panel is a tight shot of the gun, with a finger squeezing the trigger.
SOUND EFFECT: BLAM
CAPTION: The moment before you die, your life really does flash before your eyes.
PANEL 3
Here we see Daniel on the floor, blood pooling around his head. His right arm should be obscured so that we can’t see the gun in his hand, and the room should be obscured so that there is a possibility that there was someone else in the room with him. I will give you a better description of this room once I write the ending.
CAPTION: For me, that moment felt like an eternity.
PAGE 2
PANEL 1
Establishing shot of a farm, possibly an aerial view. The farm house has stone walls and a thatched roof. A small plume of smoke is rising from a chimney. If it is possible composition-wise there should be a small figure working in the field with a hoe. It is day time; the sky is cloudy but fine, with the sun behind the figure working in the field, casting a shadow forwards; toward the reader. Feel free to do something odd with the angle to spice up the opening a bit.
TITLE CAPTION: Warwickshire, England. More than five centuries ago
Note: This shouldn't be in a caption box; it is a scene setting title.
CAPTION: I came into this world over five hundred years ago, in the year of our lord fifteen hundred and four.
PANEL 2
This one is a mid shot of the farmer (Simon). He looks rustic and simple. He has a bushy beard. He is working in the field. He looks pensive and thoughtful. He is casting a shadow in front of him, sun behind him.
CAPTION: My father had, at that stage, already been married to my mother for three years. She had failed to bear him any children in that time, which was something of an embarrassment to the both of them.
CAPTION: After all, it was a very different time.
PANEL 3
A close shot of the farmer, showing just his head and shoulders. He looks thoughtful with a slight hint of worry.
CAPTION: Years later my father told me of the terrible treatment my mother suffered at the hands the other women in the area. Snide remarks were the least of it. She was something of a pariah.
CAPTION: Apparently her mental state was his main concern in life.
PANEL 4
In this panel the farmer is shielding his eyes from an apparently very bright source of light. I would like to keep the source of the light off panel for a reveal on the next page. One suggestion I have for showing the light is there though would be that his hand might cast a shadow over his face, obviously the opposite direction to the sun. The farmer is very surprised, mouth agape.
SIMON: Lord Almighty.
CAPTION: That would change soon enough, for you see…
PAGE 3
PANEL 1
This panel should be quite large, taking up at least half of the page as it is something of a reveal. Whether it is top or left side I leave up to you. The source of the light is an energy portal through which a toddler of about two years old has fallen through. Maybe this panel could be looking over the shoulder of the farmer.
CAPTION: … when I said “I came into this world”, it wasn’t just a turn of phrase.
SOUND EFFECT: WAAAAHHHHH
PANEL 2
The toddler is lying in the dirt, bawling. The farmer is bending over him, reaching out towards the child.
CAPTION: I couldn’t imagine what my father was thinking at that moment.
CAPTION: I often wonder if he would have adopted me were that all there was to it. I like to think he would have.
SOUND EFFECT: WAAAAHHHHH
PANEL 3
A few feet behind the toddler another portal has opened up. Maybe this panel could be composed of the farmers back in the fore-ground, the toddler in the mid and the portal behind him. It is entirely up to you though. All that needs to be in the panel is the new portal opening up and some sort of reference point to show it isn’t far away.
CAPTION: My father never really told me what he thought of my appearing out of nowhere like that. Perhaps he wondered if I was demon spawn. Who knows? But even if he did, a sign from God soon followed that would put to rest any thoughts along those lines.
PAGE 4
PANEL 1
This panel is a shot that encompasses the new portal and a half dozen bricks of gold that have fallen out. The gold bricks have some writing imprinted on them. It may be a bit hard to work out, but the first three panels of this page shouldn’t take up too much room, because there is a lot to fit in panel five.
CAPTION: -A sign that no man would ignore.
PANEL 2
This should be a fairly small panel, just showing the farmers face, greed in his eyes.
PANEL 3
The farmer is picking up the toddler.
CAPTION: It takes a special kind of man to pick up a child instead and leave a fortune lying there. My mother was especially proud of that point. She often mentioned it in the later years of her life.
PANEL 4
The farmer is carrying the child to the farmhouse we saw earlier.
CAPTION: I guess I have always tried to be like my father, always looking after those who need it first.
PANEL 5
We’re inside the house now. The walls are bare stone on the inside. If you can it would be great to add some homey touches. Maybe you could have a cooking pot hanging over a fire place. In the shot somewhere prominent needs to be the gold bricks, stacked on a table perhaps. The last thing I need to see in this panel is the farmer’s wife (Rebecca). She should be holding the child with a look of joy on her face. If you can fit the farmer in I’d like him to be looking thoughtful.
CAPTION: Although there is no reason why you can’t help people and look after yourself.
REBECCA: He’s answered prayer. That’s what he is. He’ll be called Daniel, after me father.
PAGE 5
PANEL 1
The interior of the cabin, with Simon sat on one side of the table, Rebecca opposite him nursing the baby (Daniel) and between them are the half dozen gold bars.
CAPTION: My father was a relatively uneducated farmer, working a baron’s land for a pittance. But ignorant isn’t the same as stupid. In more than five centuries I have met very few people who understand human nature better than he did.
SIMON: The baron would have his hands on those as soon as he laid his eyes on them. And lord knows how we’ll explain the sudden appearance of Daniel there.
REBECCA: I’ll not give up my boy. He’s a gift from God.
SIMON: I can’t disagree. I’ve never seen anything appear from the sky like that. Aye, it seems he was heaven sent. And the gold is a very welcome gift from God too. Still, we’ll have to be careful not to attract attention. Men have killed for much less gold than this.
SIMON: Nobody must know about this. Nobody.
PANEL 2
Rebecca is holding Daniel. Feel free to have her moved somewhere else around the home if it makes for a more interesting composition.
REBECCA: I would’ve liked to parade this little angel in front of those witches in the village. But that would cause more commotion than those old hags see in a month. I’ll not give anyone reason to take him from me. I’ve often wanted to see London.
PANEL 3
Simon is holding one of the gold bars. We see his face; he is looking at one of the gold bars as he speaks. He looks thoughtful again.
SIMON: London is good. Lots of people there for us to hide among. Nobody who knows us. Nobody to ask questions.
PANEL 4
This panel should be either a from Simons point of view, or over his shoulder, whichever you prefer. He is looking at the imprinted writing on the gold bar.
15° 33' 8" South
125° 12' 10.73" East
3:14 pm January 10th 2009 A.D.
SIMON: Questions I can’t answer for myself, let alone to others satisfaction.
I have another seventy odd pages written if anyone wants to see more for some reason. :smile: