A Writing Challenge!

[Gail Simone]

Here's your assignment for today.

Write me the WORST first paragraph of the worst comic book fanfic in history.

No rules, just that it be cringe-worthy in the extreme. It should make Brendan "Nightwing" Hockenberry look like a genius in comparison.

GO!

[K-DoG7p7]

just go to any Game-fanfic site ever...

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Big Barda's mighty heaving bosom heaved mightily. "Attend me!" she shouted, her bosom heaving all the moreso. Josh came in hurredly and fastly. "Why does your mighty bosom heave?" saith Josh. "It heaves for you," Barda said, getting all naked.

[Chris Hansbrough]

We enter the room. Oliver Queen is in bed with his wife, oracle and batgirl. His veins pulsate, his mind quakes, and his arms quiver with anticipation. He slowly inserts his pieces into the slots on the board, and he drops HARDCORE for a triple word score!

scrabble in bed is awesome.....

[bert]

Bruce looked longingly into Clark's eyes, while his bottom lip trembled slightly.

"but I don't understand. . . . I'm the Kirk to your Spock. What do you mean that you're my McCoy now?" Bruce asked him, while holding back tears.

"Barry beat me fair and square, and those were the rules of the race."

Bruce gasped, "how could you bet THAT! You know your tight Kryptonian buttocks belong to me"

The Trouble-alert started pinging intently, and the lights blinking brightly.

"Barry's in trouble?!?" shouted an alarmed Bruce.

"no, but he's quick. . so when he's ready, I've got to get there fast," an embarrassed Clark responded.

"b.b.b.but. . . . . . " Bruse stammered softly and trailed off.

Clark threw up his hands in defeat, and with a slight embarrassed shrug, slipped on Kara's mini-skirt, and slinked from the Watchtower.

[greatmetropolitan]

WORLD WAR WOLVERINE - PART 1

He wakes up from one bad dream and steps into another. "dammit charlie" he says to himself, "why'd you have to go and make me care? Walking over to the window, he cracks open an ice cold beer and chugs it in one. "this is therapy, he thinks to himself. It had been five years since he finally laid Creed down for good, and four since Creed came back again to take his bloody revenge. He thinks that sometimes it feels like the whole world is against him and unfortunately for him, he's about to be proved right. Fortunately for him though, he's the best there is at what he does. Unfortunatley though, what he does, aint pretty.

[Shisho]

Big Barda's mighty heaving bosom heaved mightily. "Attend me!" she shouted, her bosom heaving all the moreso. Josh came in hurredly and fastly. "Why does your mighty bosom heave?" saith Josh. "It heaves for you," Barda said, getting all naked.

Congrats, Bats. "Getting all naked" just may be my new favorite phrase. :biggrin:

[Arrogantcur]

nightcrawler woke up as mystique landed on top of him in his bed, and before he could do anything mystique's lips were pressed against his and her tongue was inside his mouth as she started making out with him. "aaah, stop kissing me mommy!" nightcrawler screamed.

(That's the worst I can think of for now.)

[Infra-Man]

The assassin's pancake-shaped laser shot, extremely, through the window, causing Shaft to grit his teeth more extremely than he would otherwise. Shaft leaped in an extreme way from the bathtub and grabbed his quiver and extreme magnetic bow and then crashed extremely through the window, shattering it into a bajillion extremely small pieces (that, for some reason, had errant bullet shells in them), hovering in that one-leg-straight-the-other-leg-slightly-bent position, his extreme genitalia flopping in the air like several mostly cooked strips of applewood smoked bacon.

[Chris Hansbrough]

The assassin's pancake-shaped laser shot, extremely, through the window, causing Shaft to grit his teeth more extremely than he would otherwise. Shaft leaped in an extreme way from the bathtub and grabbed his quiver and extreme magnetic bow and then crashed extremely through the window, shattering it into a bajillion extremely small pieces (that, for some reason, had errant bullet shells in them), hovering in that one-leg-straight-the-other-leg-slightly-bent position, his extreme genitalia flopping in the air like several mostly cooked strips of applewood smoked bacon.

That was eXtreme yo!

[Infra-Man]

That was eXtreme yo!

It's how I roll.

Part #5 has Badrock playing extreme sudoku after getting extreme with the Sunday crossword in the Times. However, anything past the first installment will be delayed indefinitely (to the extreme!).

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Congrats, Bats. "Getting all naked" just may be my new favorite phrase. :biggrin:

My bosom heaves at the honor!

[K-DoG7p7]

I hate this thred....

I began to write some bad fanfic.. and ended up writing alot..... like.... a 6 issue mini ..

I hate this thread

[Tommy]

"I want to engage in sexual intercourse with you!" Susan Storm said lying her naked body across the bed. "Hot, sexy, sexual intercourse!" She raised her finger and gave a little come hither gesture. Her lips pouted, her pert bosoms heaved with quivering excitement. "Ever since I walked through that wormhole in Reed's laboratory," she said, "I've wanted you to take me Aslan!" The lion gave her a quizzical look, and walked forward.

[Weetomuncher]

Barack Obama speaks on his Blackberry - "So Lex, when do I have to pay those campaign donations back or will I just do you another favour?"

[JTPencils]

"Hello, my name is Rick Olney... and today's tale is sure to make me stain... er stay in your memory for the rest of your life...."

Nuff Said!

[KJ_81]

As the ship auto-flew us back to Earth, I filled in Superman on how I had taken down Darkseid.

'Wow Ben*, I wish I had thought of that! We're all just so thankful you showed up when you did!' gushed Superman, clearly thankful to still have me around.

At that moment I felt something pull around my waist. I looked down and saw Wonder Woman's lasso, looped tightly around my rock hard abdominal muscles, already stretched taut against the tight fabric of the costume newly made for me by Batman.

'I think you should join me at the back of the ship' cooed Wonder Woman, as she pulled me back toward her. Clearly she had a special way of thanking me in mind.


*my name isn't actually Ben, but I always see bad fanfic by people named Ben. So 'Ben' it is!

[Bouncing Boy]

Chuck Taine, the Legionnaire known as Bouncing Boy, sat alone on the bunk in his room at the Legion Clubhouse. He could not sleep. He could not understand his recent obsession with his teammate. He had a girlfriend after all, a carggite who could split into two girls, it was every boy's dream, but still he longed for another. He got up and put on his blue, white and black uniform. He then left his room and walked down the hallway to the room of the object of his affection. He pressed the button next to the door. A few moments went by and Chuck's palms began to sweat, then the door slid open and Chuck saw his teammate, Tenzil Kem, also known as Matter-Eater Lad. Tenzil wasn't wearing his shirt. His skin glistened with sweat, he had rock hard abs that Chuck could probably eat off of, and he wanted to. Chuck leaned in and kissed Tenzil their tounges intertwined. Tenzil pulled Chuck inside and the door slid shut.

[Chris Hansbrough]

wow...I'm kind of creeped out right now....at least I used my twist ending to keep it from being slashfic.....ewwwwwwwwwy

[mgs]

Big Barda's mighty heaving bosom heaved mightily. "Attend me!" she shouted, her bosom heaving all the moreso. Josh came in hurredly and fastly. "Why does your mighty bosom heave?" saith Josh. "It heaves for you," Barda said, getting all naked.
LOL! :biggrin:

that might not be the worst, but it was definitely hilarious! :smile:

[Alex Scott]

"I can't believe this is happening to me," said Kitty.

"Hush, my pet," said Lockheed, embracing Kitty in his newly-acquired human form. "How long I have dreamed of this day. Allow me to show you the night of your life."

His robe slid off. Kitty could not believe her eyes.

[Bouncing Boy]

wow...I'm kind of creeped out right now....at least I used my twist ending to keep it from being slashfic.....ewwwwwwwwwy
I know, I'm bisexual, I wrote the damn thing and it still creeped me out.

[Solaris]

It was a dark and stormy night. The lightning was flashing like Flash, fast and ultraviolet-streaky. Suddenly, a bunch of aliens decided to invade Earth. Batman said, "I know these guys!" Superman fell from the sky, and Wonder Woman caught him. Kryptonite! The Gods of Olympus showed up, and they were all made of Kryptonite. Batman was mad, so he took his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to Olympus. Darkside was bored there, so he put Batman in a cage.The Atom was alive! He snuck into the lock and opened it. Batman used his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to suddenly send Darkseid to Oa. Amazing! Blam! Suddenly, everything was back to normal, and Batman and Superman and Wonderwoman saved the day!

THE END

***

Discuss.
:biggrin:

This was fun!

[the4thpip]

"Condoms?" he screamed "I don't need condoms! I am the goddamn Batman!" as he punched Robin in his kidneys.

[Chris Hansbrough]

It was a dark and stormy night. The lightning was flashing like Flash, fast and ultraviolet-streaky. Suddenly, a bunch of aliens decided to invade Earth. Batman said, "I know these guys." Superman fell from the sky, and Wonder Woman caught him. Kryptonite! The Gods of Olympus showed up, and they were all made of Kryptonite. Batman was mad, so he took his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to Olympus. Darkside was bored there, so he put Batman in a cage.The Atom was alive! He snuck into the lock and opened it. Batman used his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to suddenly send Darkseid to Oa. Amazing! Blam! Suddenly, everything was back to normal, and Batman and Superman and Wonderwoman saved the day!

THE END

***

Discuss.
:biggrin:

This was fun!
Jeph Loeb would be proud.

[Solaris]

Jeph Loeb would be proud.

Thank you! :biggrin:

I thought about going the "bad concept" route---but decided the sheer "bad writing" would be more fun---not that it's not a bad concept, too. (And I'll bet there's stories out there, where the writer started with a beginning paragraph, and actually ended up with what is, in essence, a synopsis (a rottenly-written synopsis, but a synopsis nonetheless). *chuckles*

I thought about asking folks if they're interested in pointing out every flaw they can find in it... why not---I think I will. Go for it, folks! :biggrin:

[Chris Hansbrough]

Thank you! :biggrin:

I thought about going the "bad concept" route---but decided the sheer "bad writing" would be more fun---not that it's not a bad concept, too. (And I'll bet there's stories out there, where the writer started with a beginning paragraph, and actually ended up with what is, in essence, a synopsis (a rottenly-written synopsis, but a synopsis nonetheless). *chuckles*

I thought about asking folks if they're interested in pointing out every flaw they can find in it... why not---I think I will. Go for it, folks! :biggrin:

it is missing something though....needs more incest and EXTREMENESS!

[Tommy]

"I can't believe this is happening to me," said Kitty.

"Hush, my pet," said Lockheed, embracing Kitty in his newly-acquired human form. "How long I have dreamed of this day. Allow me to show you the night of your life."

His robe slid off. Kitty could not believe her eyes.

Chris Claremont did that one...

[Solaris]

it is missing something though....needs more incest and EXTREMENESS!

Why? It doesn't have to have sex to be "stupid and cringeworthy." :biggrin:

But if that's what you want...


Wonderdog peered into Superman's eyes soulfully. Bone? he begged telepathically. "C'mon, boy---I think I can find you a bone," Superman said winningly, luring the unsuspecting canine to the JLA's storage closet. "Good thing you're a SUPER dog," he muttered, adjusting his tights as he held the door for the dog. But Superman was no mindreader---Wonderdog was thinking, "At last! No more being Marvin's bitch!"

[Indigo Al]

So far, I think KJ 81 is ahead, with Tommy a close second for that horrifyingly blasphemous pairing...

[Solaris]

As the ship auto-flew us back to Earth, I filled in Superman on how I had taken down Darkseid.

'Wow Ben*, I wish I had thought of that! We're all just so thankful you showed up when you did!' gushed Superman, clearly thankful to still have me around.

At that moment I felt something pull around my waist. I looked down and saw Wonder Woman's lasso, looped tightly around my rock hard abdominal muscles, already stretched taut against the tight fabric of the costume newly made for me by Batman.

'I think you should join me at the back of the ship' cooed Wonder Woman, as she pulled me back toward her. Clearly she had a special way of thanking me in mind.


*my name isn't actually Ben, but I always see bad fanfic by people named Ben. So 'Ben' it is!


You *definitely* nailed the "I just *have* to put myself in as the main super heroic character" tendency! Kudos! :biggrin:

[Indigo Al]

Here are my two entries....

Cruel Lestat edged his ruby lips and sharp fangs closer to Sailor Moon's neck. "You know you long for the Dark Gift.....the sweet embrace of eternal life." "Oh! Tee-hee! I'll stop you with my special Sailor powers!" "No you will NOT, my bug-eyed innocent!" As he began to bite her neck, Louis, who was crumpled on the floor next to them, began to sob uncontrollably...."For God's sake Lestat! No more, I urge you, I cannot BEAR IT! We just bought this antique velvet tablecloth together!!!! Does that mean NOTHING to you???"

and

I gently opened the door to Rogue's room. I saw her, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, tears drying on her face.

"Rogue, I ... I'm sorry...."

"Shut up! Ah hate you! Ah wish y'all'd never come to the mansion!!! Ah wish you'd just let us die in Magneto's deathtrap!!!!" And she took to the air, crashing through her bedroom window.

I looked down on the floor, flush with shame and guilt. Suddenly, I felt his gentle breath behind me, his finger caressing a strand of my lustrous amber-gold hair...."It's no use, cher, she's too hurt. Gambit didn't mean to fall in love with vous, X-Marysue...it just happened. You can't stop destiny..."

[Darrell D.]

Kyle Rayner concentrates, hard, the green tendrils of energy snaking out of his emerald ring. 'I can't hold the monster!' he screams, as the monster explodes from his greenish cage. Suddenly, Hal Jordan swoops down, green energy exploding from his ring, enveloping the monster. 'Thank Oa,' says Kyle. 'Hal is here!!'

[Typo Lad]

I'm actually disturbed by some of this stuff.

[Arrogantcur]

It was a dark and stormy night. The lightning was flashing like Flash, fast and ultraviolet-streaky. Suddenly, a bunch of aliens decided to invade Earth. Batman said, "I know these guys!" Superman fell from the sky, and Wonder Woman caught him. Kryptonite! The Gods of Olympus showed up, and they were all made of Kryptonite. Batman was mad, so he took his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to Olympus. Darkside was bored there, so he put Batman in a cage.The Atom was alive! He snuck into the lock and opened it. Batman used his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to suddenly send Darkseid to Oa. Amazing! Blam! Suddenly, everything was back to normal, and Batman and Superman and Wonderwoman saved the day!

THE END


"I can't believe this is happening to me," said Kitty.

"Hush, my pet," said Lockheed, embracing Kitty in his newly-acquired human form. "How long I have dreamed of this day. Allow me to show you the night of your life."

His robe slid off. Kitty could not believe her eyes.

"Condoms?" he screamed "I don't need condoms! I am the goddamn Batman!" as he punched Robin in his kidneys.

http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/rotfl.gif http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/rotfl.gif http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/rotfl.gif

Thinking back on my post yesterday, I concluded it would've been better to use Cyclops and Corsair. Because then it would be a hat trick of slash-fic, incest-fic, and necro-phic since Corsair is dead and he'd be a zombie or something. (I haven't tortured myself with enough reading of bad fanfic to have a good idea of what it looks like, but I drew the conclusion that cringeworthiness is one part bad writing and one equal part grossness. I also hope there is not actually any such thing as "necro-phic." :eek: )

[Solaris]

I'm actually disturbed by some of this stuff.


Well, the consensus for most entries seems to be that sexual stuff (mostly in "bad" pairings, "bad" actions, etc.) is the worst kind of writing of all.

Maybe somebody should memo this thread to the editors at DC and Marvel... :wink: :biggrin:

[Indigo Al]

Well, the consensus for most entries seems to be that sexual stuff (mostly in "bad" pairings, "bad" actions, etc.) is the worst kind of writing of all.


But then, there's the really truly shudder-worthy stuff....


mpreg


Batman rested his gloved hand gently on Frodo's stomach. He felt a heart pounding thrill as their baby kicked furiously in Frodo's magically generated womb.

[Darrell D.]

But then, there's the really truly shudder-worthy stuff....


mpreg


Batman rested his gloved hand gently on Frodo's stomach. He felt a heart pounding thrill as their baby kicked furiously in Frodo's magically generated womb.

Dear God. The pain.

[Infra-Man]

In the hot, wet sauna, Merlyn's shaft was stuck inside Green Arrow.

[Corrina]

Is there bad fanfic of any the Green Lanterns doing interesting things with their ring powers?

Because, damn, one of them must have a dirty mind. And the willpower to use it. Probably G'nort.

[Grazzt]

Is there bad fanfic of any the Green Lanterns doing interesting things with their ring powers?

Mogo looked deeply into Egos bright welcoming eyes, as streams of green light rushed over the living planet, twining through his beard and penetrating every cavern. "Yes," Ego murmured, "That feels so gooooood..."

[Typo Lad]

You can be bad without bad sex scenes...ew.

I liked the guy with the Mary Sue.

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

Teetering on her stiletto heels and adjusting her tiara, Wonder Woman strutted with saucy Amazon swagger across the Themysciran glade, her proud yet petulant breasts arced forcefully as they strained against the glittering gold of the double-W insignia that struggled to contain them, her ample, swelling star-spangled buttocks swinging to a samba only she could hear. As always, Tom and Etta warred within her mind.
"Hmm," she muttered to herself. "Meat or fish?"

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

"Jeepers, I'm sorry, Bruce!" Robin whimpered. "Please don't..."
"Too late, Boy Wonder," growled the Dark Avenger. With one hand, he jerked down the quivering lad's chainmail shorts. The other hand tightened around the Bat-Paddle...

[Spackling Compound]

I am sated and unlike the movies, the devouring of my victim was near bloodless and not at all the orgy of viscera one would believe. She went wordlessly, no screams or shouts. Her elderly body opened like a dry shell of earthly delights. I now must dispose of her bones. But that's easy enough. I work under cover of the night. Beyond the sightline. I am Spiderman. And the last tie to my otherwise domestic existence rests in my bowels. When they are evacuated, I am fully free. And the brand new day will begin in earnest.

...ok, this is more like a fanfic of a fanfic.

[Tobias March]

Psylocke tackled the ninja from above, wrapping her muscular yet still feminine legs around his neck. Then concentrating the sum totality of her psychic essence into a knife she plunged it into his head. 'Oh I do thrill to the chase', she thought, 'and these men were unwise to think me a mere woman. I am far more than that, strong, resourceful and deadly....careful now Betsy, you do not want to become too much like Wolverine."

Meanwhile elsewhere the ninjas were also attacking Storm! She did not use her mighty powers over the earth's weather systems, but instead tackled the ninja before her unarmed, striking him down with a simple blow to the head, as Yukio her sometime friend, maybe more, had taught her. 'Careful Ororo,' she thought to herself, 'for sometimes a goddess may enjoy fighting as these lowly humans do. Although Wolverine manages to fight like a true warrior, oh that I could match his prowess.'

Kitty Pryde phased through the wall and plunged her fist through the ninja's head scrambling his brain. He feel senseless to the ground. 'Wow.', she thought, 'That was almost as good as something I saw Mr. Wolverine do once!'

[Spackling Compound]

After the bandages were taken off, Aquaman marvelled at his new physique. His arm had been replaced by a superstrong metal that no one could destroy but it contained deadly rays that were deadly to the touch. He could fly now and had the ability to turn invisible. He was indestructible and could run very fast as the light. There was no limit to his power and he was now the first in line to do the work of the Justice League. All the other superheroes applauded when he walked in the room and Wonder Woman kissed him deeply. He was devoid of emotion because his cyborg brain had only one instinct :Destroy evil things at every cost. He was also very protective of people who had seizures and wrote about superheroes.

[Solaris]

Teetering on her stiletto heels and adjusting her tiara, Wonder Woman strutted with saucy Amazon swagger across the Themysciran glade, her proud yet petulant breasts arced forcefully as they strained against the glittering gold of the double-W insignia that struggled to contain them, her ample, swelling star-spangled buttocks swinging to a samba only she could hear. As always, Tom and Etta warred within her mind.
"Hmm," she muttered to herself. "Meat or fish?"


Okay, you totally made me LOL with that last line---I did NOT see it coming. Heh.

[Dazzler]

i couldnt belive what i was seeing rogue and storm were in the shower together touching each other in a way that made me crazy. ah caint belive were doing this storm, said rogue. ah just lawst muh powers this mornin'. you were the first person i had to see. it's okay rogue, said storm. i know this is diffcult but i'm here for you now. she kissed her with her ruby red lips. if only there were a man here to help me open you up to new experinces, said storm. i came from my hideing place and said, i'm here ladies.


--Dazz

[Dazzler]

After the bandages were taken off, Aquaman marvelled at his new physique. His arm had been replaced by a superstrong metal that no one could destroy but it contained deadly rays that were deadly to the touch. He could fly now and had the ability to turn invisible. He was indestructible and could run very fast as the light. There was no limit to his power and he was now the first in line to do the work of the Justice League. All the other superheroes applauded when he walked in the room and Wonder Woman kissed him deeply. He was devoid of emotion because his cyborg brain had only one instinct :Destroy evil things at every cost. He was also very protective of people who had seizures and wrote about superheroes.

LOL I've read that story! :tongue:

--Dazz

[Chris Hansbrough]

Mogo looked deeply into Egos bright welcoming eyes, as streams of green light rushed over the living planet, twining through his beard and penetrating every cavern. "Yes," Ego murmured, "That feels so gooooood..."

and with ego being a nova now it's even creepier......

[scout1279]

But then, there's the really truly shudder-worthy stuff....


mpreg


Batman rested his gloved hand gently on Frodo's stomach. He felt a heart pounding thrill as their baby kicked furiously in Frodo's magically generated womb.
Mpreg -- I didn't have the courage to write it. I thought I would scare people too much.

[TomStillwell]

then cable was shooted the guns from them pouches he wheres and he was running faster looking for wolverine who then came from up of nowears hey bub he saids i'm the best at doing my stuff and then they were running more and sentanels were say halt! halt! but they did'nt nad than gambit through some cards and tehy blowed up woowee cheree he says uh oh it's the maruaders they are some bad villians but rouge was their and she touched thems and they were falling and then the x-mans were all running again

[mgs]

"I can't believe this is happening to me," said Kitty.

"Hush, my pet," said Lockheed, embracing Kitty in his newly-acquired human form. "How long I have dreamed of this day. Allow me to show you the night of your life."

His robe slid off. Kitty could not believe her eyes.
lol! this is awesome too! :smile:

It was a dark and stormy night. The lightning was flashing like Flash, fast and ultraviolet-streaky. Suddenly, a bunch of aliens decided to invade Earth. Batman said, "I know these guys!" Superman fell from the sky, and Wonder Woman caught him. Kryptonite! The Gods of Olympus showed up, and they were all made of Kryptonite. Batman was mad, so he took his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to Olympus. Darkside was bored there, so he put Batman in a cage.The Atom was alive! He snuck into the lock and opened it. Batman used his uber-powerful ultrasonic x-factor rap-bling moleculizer to suddenly send Darkseid to Oa. Amazing! Blam! Suddenly, everything was back to normal, and Batman and Superman and Wonderwoman saved the day!

THE END

***

Discuss.
:biggrin:

This was fun!
haha! :biggrin:

and too awesomely detailed to be 'bad'.

"Condoms?" he screamed "I don't need condoms! I am the goddamn Batman!" as he punched Robin in his kidneys.
I'd vote for this being the worst. :smile: good job pip!

[Infra-Man]

Okay, not fanfic, but I've had to edit some friends' work lately and this stuff is bad fanfic/Bulwer-Lytton worthy.

The clothes driers turned with such slow deliberation their circular perambulations looked more like struggling ellipses to an eye hypnotized and groggy after only a single revolution of thin t-shirts and dusky blue jeans and those greyed out lengths of sleeve or leg or hem washed to an unrecognizable weary gossamer anonymity.

Seriously... what in the fuck?

[bert]

hurmph. . well, *I* thought mine was pretty good.

but I have to say Stillwell's is the best in my opinion.

LOVE the mis-spelling of Rogue.

LOL

[Bombshell]

Gabriel Summers.

Vulcan.

Emperor of the Shi'ar Empire.

He was one of the most powerful mutants alive. Beyond Omega-level, even.

Well, he'd be more powerful now.

He licked his lips, his synthetic left eye glowing with dark pleasure. Strapped in front of him was his "niece", Rachel Grey, and her lover, Korvus. The Starchilde and the wielder of the Blade of the Phoenix. They would both be very useful in the next couple of minutes. Very useful indeed.

His tightly gloved hand tightened around the three diamond hearts that his consort, Cal'syee Neramani, had brought him. Each one of the hearts contained a fraction of the Phoenix Force.

"Rachel. Korvus. It was a displeasure knowing you. Your lives will not have been in vain, I assure you." In a move that was falsely familial, he ruffled Rachel's hair. "It's too bad, you know. Even if you had joined me, you'd have to die. After all, if I'm going to be the true emperor of the Shi'ar Empire, I'm going to need to be the most powerful person ever. And for that, I'll need the Phoenix Force." He turned to Deathbird.

"Prepare the spell. By tonight, I will be fire, and life incarnate."

Deathbird nodded and moved to do what Gabriel had asked her to when a sound filled the air.

Vorp! Vorp! Vorp!

A vortex opened between Gabriel and his prisoners and a figure dressed in tight black leather stepped out. Her ruby flesh gleamed in the light, and black and red eyes glittered powerfully from behind black designer shades. As the portal closed, the young woman placed her hands on her curvy hips and smiled haughtily. "By tonight, love, you'll be fired and left without a life." Ruby Summers lowered her shades and her eyes, glowing with black and red energy, bore into Gabriel's. "Now let my sister go."

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

"Behold!" Granny Goodness smirked. "Your pathetic Earth has been reduced to a burning cinder! Your gambit has failed! And your lives belong to me!"
Stepping forward, she dropped her robe and stood naked, her pendulous breasts swaying and knocking against one another like two nylon socks filled with oranges.
"And now, I command you to lick me clean! Bathe me with your tongues! If you value your precious comrades' lives!"
Shackled, nude, and wimpering, the helpless Birds of Prey crawled forth to oblige, hoping against hope she'd at least showered after using the toilet this time.

[Bouncing Boy]

"Behold!" Granny Goodness smirked. "Your pathetic Earth has been reduced to a burning cinder! Your gambit has failed! And your lives belong to me!"
Stepping forward, she dropped her robe and stood naked, her pendulous breasts swaying and knocking against one another like two nylon socks filled with oranges.
"And now, I command you to lick me clean! Bathe me with your tongues! If you value your precious comrades' lives!"
Shackled, nude, and wimpering, the helpless Birds of Prey crawled forth to oblige, hoping against hope she'd at least showered after using the toilet this time.
Thank you so much for making me spit soup at my computer screen (though I should have known better than read this thread while eating soup)

[mailedbypostman1]

Not mine, but this one (http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showpost.php?p=8188953&postcount=12)can't be left out.

[Cam63]

Wolverine, Dirty Harry and Mad Max walked into the deli and grimaced at Vera, the world's weariest world weary lunchlady as she practiced the five finger fillet knife trick with her WW2 Fairbairn-Sykes dagger on the well pocked counter top.

She took a drag on her tenth cigarette of the morning and sneered, " So that'll be three antihero sandwiches to go, I suppose ? "

[Indigo Al]

Wolverine, Dirty Harry and Mad Max walked into the deli and grimaced at Vera, the world's weariest world weary lunchlady as she practiced the five finger fillet knife trick with her WW2 Fairbairn-Sykes dagger on the well pocked counter top.

She took a drag on her tenth cigarette of the morning and sneered, " So that'll be three antihero sandwiches to go, I suppose ? "

That sounds like a good fan-fiction to me.

But really, aren't lunch ladies a typical Mary Sue wish fulfillment character?

[MartinRedmond]

A band of hooligans were beating up people in London's streets:"This book takes place in England!" they shouted as they spurred out typical England specific slang. Meanwhile, John Constantine, who lives in England, cozied up to his latest artskool style looking sexual conquest on her couch. " Your sexual partners sure tend to meet a violent end." his artsy looking new sexual partner, Lauren said. "That's why I won't let anyone get close to me." said John as he put out his cigarette so he could scratch his crotch more freely. Lauren inquired:"You don't have any STDs do you?". -"Don't be silly, I'm a magician, this is unrelated magical hitching. I'll visit a magical creature tomorrow." A gruesome ghost showed up:"I'm dead". "gasp (editor's note, please replace gasp for "shit", it's more edgy and now) " exclaimed the soon to be dead Lauren.

Then the magical herpes ate up that girlfriend leaving John alone again has he put his washed up punk band from 30 years ago t-shirt back on. THE END

Quote on trade cover:
"A masterfully crafted tale of storytelling story." -Neil Gaimunn

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Now someone combine these stories into a screenplay and we'll sell it to George Lucas.

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

"RRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH! Hulk strongest one there is!" The raging behemoth bellowed across the desolate landscape.
"RRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH! No! Grundy strongest one there is!" The shambling monster tore at the ground, growling furiously.
The two charged at one another, colliding with an impact that shook the earth for miles around. They struggled, falling to the ground, eyes blazing with fury, huge hands grappling with one another, clothes tearing, mouths hungrily searching one another out...
Afterward, they lay together in the afterglow. "Hulk wish he could quit you..."

[MartinRedmond]

Psylocke tackled the ninja from above, wrapping her muscular yet still feminine legs around his neck. Then concentrating the sum totality of her psychic essence into a knife she plunged it into his head. 'Oh I do thrill to the chase', she thought, 'and these men were unwise to think me a mere woman. I am far more than that, strong, resourceful and deadly....careful now Betsy, you do not want to become too much like Wolverine."

Meanwhile elsewhere the ninjas were also attacking Storm! She did not use her mighty powers over the earth's weather systems, but instead tackled the ninja before her unarmed, striking him down with a simple blow to the head, as Yukio her sometime friend, maybe more, had taught her. 'Careful Ororo,' she thought to herself, 'for sometimes a goddess may enjoy fighting as these lowly humans do. Although Wolverine manages to fight like a true warrior, oh that I could match his prowess.'

Kitty Pryde phased through the wall and plunged her fist through the ninja's head scrambling his brain. He feel senseless to the ground. 'Wow.', she thought, 'That was almost as good as something I saw Mr. Wolverine do once!'

Hilarious, probably the only good CC parody I've ever read.

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

Diana lay back on her perfumed couch, moaning in ecstacy. Yet her mind was haunted by the thought of her betrayed partner.
"Oh, Tom," she thought to herself. "How could you ever know? How would you ever understand?"
Her lover sensed her concern, looking up at her. "Is something troubling you, your majesty?"
"No. No..." She stroked his fur, plucking off a small insect and handing it to him to eat. "Nothing at all, my noble Gorilla Knight..."

[Bombshell]

Diana lay back on her perfumed couch, moaning in ecstacy. Yet her mind was haunted by the thought of her betrayed partner.
"Oh, Tom," she thought to herself. "How could you ever know? How would you ever understand?"
Her lover sensed her concern, looking up at her. "Is something troubling you, your majesty?"
"No. No..." She stroked his fur, plucking off a small insect and handing it to him to eat. "Nothing at all, my noble Gorilla Knight..."

*dies*

OMG! Hilarious.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Diana lay back on her perfumed couch, moaning in ecstacy. Yet her mind was haunted by the thought of her betrayed partner.
"Oh, Tom," she thought to herself. "How could you ever know? How would you ever understand?"
Her lover sensed her concern, looking up at her. "Is something troubling you, your majesty?"
"No. No..." She stroked his fur, plucking off a small insect and handing it to him to eat. "Nothing at all, my noble Gorilla Knight..."

Dazzler informs me that Gorilla Penises are only about an inch long.

How he knows that frightens me. Now bear penises, that's different.

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

Well, how long is the average Amazon finger?

'Sides, he wasn't doing that...

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Well, how long is the average Amazon finger?

'Sides, he wasn't doing that...

It's the double jointedness that does the trick.

[KevinTBrown]

The boat explodes.

She screams the scream of death.

Her daughter that is not her daughter lost to her.

Weeks pass.......

He comes to her, telling her he faked her daughter who is not her daughter's death. So she can now be happier than happy.

She responds, "Yes I'll marry you!"




:wink: