Things I Learned From Classic TV Sci-Fi

[Pink Bat Maxine]

That race of benevolent aliens you just met? They're going to eat you.

[Michael P]

*Never* take the devil's word for it.

[mailedbypostman1]

William Shatner is the best actor of his generation.

[Tommy]

Listen to the computer running your post apocalyptic town.

[Linkara]

If someone tells you, "There's no way they could escape! We have this/this/this/and this," eject the prisoner into space IMMEDIATELY.

[Linkara]

Also, always have a spare pair of glasses.

And learn braille.

[section 8]

NEVER wear a red shirt.

[section 8]

Aliens all speak English.

[Michael P]

Once Captain Kirk's shirt gets ripped, it's all over.

[section 8]

It is perfectly safe to nail every alien woman you see......

Even though, for all you know about her physiology, she could sweat Herpes or get YOU pregnant.

[Tommy]

If every woman in town is mysteriously impregnated and then gives birth to identical children the same day, you should probably kill the children.

[CutterMike]

A robot is a boy's best friend.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Once you find Earth, you'll suddenly become unbearably boring.

In the future, all diplomatic envoys will be treated with a fine meal and exposition of the traditional Earth art form of Roller Disco.

[Michael P]

No matter how boring, complicated, or time-consuming an administrative task is, building a big computer to do it for you is always a bad idea.

[Bat-Reader]

Polite A.I.s usually turn out to be psychos.

[Bouncing Boy]

I learned that....there's...something...on the wing!

[Pink Bat Maxine]

They don't even remember why they went to war in the first place.

[Michael P]

Hating someone because he's black on the left side and white on the right, while you're white on the left and black on the right, is really, really stupid.

[Bat-Reader]

Black Holes are gateways to other dimensions.

[Tommy]

Primitive societies will model themselves after any book you happen to leave on their planet, no matter how stupid and non-functional the resulting society would be.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Money will never be used except for gambling.

[The Beast Of Yucca Flats]

If the twisted magic-kid wants snow, he's gettin' snow.

[Michael P]

In order to prevent unfortunate misunderstandings, the term "midday meal" should be in preferred use at all space launch facilities.

[shrike]

Most aliens have zippers on their back.

[Bat-Reader]

All alien races are more advance than humanity.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

When one of your guests is white on the right side and black on the other, and another of your guests has it reversed, seat them at seperate tables for dinner.

[Bat-Reader]

Space ships only crash land in America.

[The Beast Of Yucca Flats]

It doesn't matter where the trailer goes when the truck transforms.

[mailedbypostman1]

The Truth is out there, and they ARE watching you.

If an Alien comes to serve man, RUN AWAY!

[Bat-Reader]

don't mess with artificats of long lost super advance alien civilizations.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Beware the space hippies. They'll fuck you up.

Parallel Universe You is evil. And possibly bearded.

[Tommy]

Killing an alien and then stealing his technology that you don't fully understand is probably a bad idea

[Pink Bat Maxine]

In space, everybody can hear you scream.

[mailedbypostman1]

Parallel Universe You is evil. And possibly bearded.

Our reality is the only reality of consequence.
Advanced empires will ften only be armed with "shock and awe" weapons.
Humans ALWAYS WIN.

[MacQuarrie]

You can beat the elevator to the lobby of the Bradley Building if you jump from the last landing. Then you can get the drop on the aliens.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Animals and children will always stow away.
The robot dog will do right by you but never trust the space monkey.
The next leap will NOT be the leap home.

[Dazzler]

In the future, all diplomatic envoys will be treated with a fine meal and exposition of the traditional Earth art form of Roller Disco.

GOD, I can't wait for the future to get here!

--Dazz

[Dazzler]

A perfectly timed, but poorly executed, roll will escape any oncoming laser beams.

On your 30th birthday, don't ask questions, just run like hell.

Whenever someone seems a little out of sorts, lock them up immediately. Obviously, it's not fatigue or stress. They've been taken over by an alien mind control agent.

--Dzz

[Pink Bat Maxine]

GOD, I can't wait for the future to get here!

--Dazz

It's required by the Blaire Protocols of 2499.

[Dazzler]

It's required by the Blaire Protocols of 2499.

The moment human history reached Dazzling new heights.

Ba-dum-bum.

Thankyew!

--Dazz

[Dazzler]

Parallel Universe You is evil. And possibly bearded.

Uhm.

I think I AM my parallel me.

--Dazz

[Dazzler]

When the aliens do invade, it'll only be to take low-ranking positions in the police department and solve very mundane crimes.

Also, they'll be just as boring and screwed up as everyone else in the nation.

--Dazz

[MacQuarrie]

It doesn't matter where the trailer goes when the truck transforms.
We obviously have very different definitions for "Classic TV Sci-Fi"....

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Humans can reproduce with any alien species.

Beware the Lizard Baby.

[MacQuarrie]

If your ventriloquist's dummy starts talking to you, get help.

[MacQuarrie]

All aliens speak perfect English, and if they have any kind of accent, it will be a British one.

When you discover that somebody on your ship is a saboteur, the best thing to do is keep him around for comedy relief.

Even if the aliens have super-advanced technology, or telepathy, or can control others with their thoughts, they still have glass jaws and can be punched out easily. Even if they are disembodied brains in a bell jar, you can still punch them to solve any problem.

[StarsAndGarters]

For God's sake, don't board the derelict spacecraft. No matter how cool or long-lost or treasure-filled it is, it's not worth it.

[Paul McEnery]

Calm, rational and efficient people have all been taken over by space aliens and must die.

Especially the hot ones with naked boobies, because that shit just ain't natural.

[David O Burcham]

After emptying your gun at the guy in the red cape, throwing it at him is not a viable option.

[K-DoG7p7]

That race of benevolent aliens you just met? They're going to eat you.

Actually... the FIRST! you meet is friendly and will become your greatest ally.. but they are emotionless and very very logical

[thehod]

In the future, women will all wear bras which will enable their breasts to become super pointy, and therefore to become useful weapons.

[4PointOh]

No matter where in the universe you go, the alien race you encounter will be mostly male, mostly white and mostly heterosexual.

[Charles RB]

No, you are not going to be safe from the pandemic in the country and the government isn't going to sort it out. You're fucked.

[JKCarrier]

Wives with supernatural powers never use them to make their husbands rich and powerful, they just cause amusing mishaps.

[Charles RB]

Any and every scientific experiment will threaten the entire human race with extinction. Science is our enemy!

[NathanBethell]

"To Serve Man"? That's a cookbook.

[Larry Dixon]

Lasers, while technically travelling at the speed of light, can be seen leaving a gun barrel and accelerating. The shots go "wheeeoooo" as they pass.

All technology, no matter how old, always works on demand and boots up or powers on instantly.

All ancient or alien languages can be instantly and completely translated after saying "this is based on a dialect of ____."

[JTPencils]

Most alien women have this insatiable desire to bed down with any human of authority, and usually have really skimpy outfits to help things along.

Chekov is Russian for "he who is about to be hurt badly somehow"

Most of the really interesting planets have an X somewhere in their name.

Male pattern baldness is still not cured, even by the 23rd Century.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Lasers, while technically travelling at the speed of light, can be seen leaving a gun barrel and accelerating. The shots go "wheeeoooo" as they pass.

Through outer space, no less.

And they're generally slower than conventional bullets.

[mailedbypostman1]

Being caught in space without a spacesuit causes your body to explode slowly.

[K-DoG7p7]

Lasers, while technically travelling at the speed of light, can be seen leaving a gun barrel and accelerating. The shots go "wheeeoooo" as they pass.

Hate to be a downer.. most "Lasers" in Sci-Fi are plasma weapons..
Star Trek got it right for the most part..


All technology, no matter how old, always works on demand and boots up or powers on instantly.
And all "Man made" power sources fits Alien hardware!

[Pink Bat Maxine]

That pendant that has been handed down throughout the generations? Put it in the recess of that rock. It's a key.

[Charles RB]

London and the English home counties are the most strategically important locations in the world, and if aliens seize them we're all doomed.

[K-DoG7p7]

London and the English home counties are the most strategically important locations in the world, and if aliens seize them we're all doomed.

it was true in the early 1940's

[GCom]

When scanning your ship for killer alien life-forms, make certain your pets are accounted for. If you have to go look for them afterward, that killer alien is gonna get you.

Rock monsters are fixable with concrete and plaster.

There will always be one technologically advanced society left after the apocalypse, but they're going to have a terrible, terrible secret.

The Earth is hollow, and there are dinosaurs there.

Men can move faster than a car if they are swinging from vines.

For some reason, you must never hit the monster with the exposed brain in the brain.

Atlantis is there!

With most electronics, the cooler it is, the better it works... except with bionic people.

Never underestimate how cheap a production company can be when it comes to special effects.

Jim Kirk always won. Except that last time.

Vulcans have some pretty wild sex, but only once every seven years.

Never drink the alien booze.

Don't feed the cute cuddly unusual beasties. It will end badly.

Giant sharks are clever.

Aliens who are deathly allergic to water can't WAIT to come to Earth.

Alien invaders never worry about diseases on Earth.

Don't piss off Adama.

Androids. Just say "No."

Robotic cars are cool, but only in their first series.

The government started it. Then they didn't believe it. Then they denied it. Then they saved us with the help of some other folks who they happened to find doing what the government should have anyway.

When the space war ends, it's gonna get boring and canceled.

The girl running away is going to trip and fall.

Zombies. They're everywhere.

Women who spin around to transform into their super-hero identities never throw-up or stumble in their high-heels.

If the future lawyer has perfect hair, you can't trust him.

The Mega-Corporation is behind it!

Somebody has a fatal incurable disease. Until you discover the mystery cure, that is going to be very difficult to get. Or make them evil.

Dr. Evil was more fun than Austin.

Trolls: Misunderstood.



With Tolerance For 3 Minutes Wasted...

GCom

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Your unit will have a black guy. He will distinguish himself by being critically injured in the first five minutes, and rising from his hospital bed at the end.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Cylons could make a mint marketing their chrome polish.

[darkhanamaru]

Cylons could make a mint marketing their chrome polish.

I thought it was that perfect skin?

[darkhanamaru]

Aliens will subject us to anal probes and reverse rape through the implantation of babies in men because they know how much it bothers us.

[Stressfactor]

Even in the future there will be ghosts and spooky la-la.


If you want a ride home DON'T accept a lift from the strange guy with a blue box who says he can get you home a minute after you left.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Beware the gay robot.

[Tommy]

All alien races have two sexes that are nearly identical both biologically and socially to western European ideas of gender. Even if said races are robots or emotionless...

[rick]

The greatest drinkers in the universe are either Scotsmen or have two heads.

[Tommy]

All planets have a single biome that defines them (desert, ice, jungle, city).

[David O Burcham]

Bionics cause people to run and jump really, really slow.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

In deep space, men will play a derivative of basketball while wearing bikinis and S/M harnesses.

[Michael P]

Bionics cause people to run and jump really, really slow.

And make funny noises.

[Charles RB]

In the future, America will be in charge of all space travel and world govt. functions.

Except when Britain is. Or Japan. Or, sometimes, Australia.

And South Africa that one time.

[CutterMike]

Never trust anyone who can't bend his pinkie-finger.

[JTPencils]

In the future, every female will dress like Jane Fonda's Barbarella, but they'll be surrounded by really bad sets, and even worse acting.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Warrior cultures are humorless.

[mailedbypostman1]

Teenagers with Macs are Alien's greatest foe.

[Bouncing Boy]

You can defeat androids by using unsolvable logic puzzles.

[a. non]

don't boot up the supercomputer; it'll automatically take control of the world

spaceships can fly just like airplanes

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Disco will never die.

[Tommy]

Two species of aliens that have had different evolutionary paths since the primordial soup are STILL capable of sexually reproducing with each other.

[fireSTRIKE!]

Never trust anyone who can't bend his pinkie-finger.

Another person who remembers The Invaders series... nice... :cool:

[fireSTRIKE!]

[QUOTE=a. non;8290949]don't boot up the supercomputer; it'll automatically take control of the world

nice nod to Colossus The Forbin Project... :cool:

[rick]

Disco will never die.


Never forget that if your entire species is almost destroyed by killer robots, the first thing you do after fleeing is to take a rest stop at an interglactic casino and disco.

[rick]

Many unstopple killing machine races intent on taking over the world and wiping out humanity normally have no resistence to either the common cold or a computer virus written in DOS.

[Michael P]

In the future, every female will dress like Jane Fonda's Barbarella, but they'll be surrounded by really bad sets, and even worse acting.

As was Jane Fonda's Barbarella.

[Steward Ace]

Whitey conquers the universe until '67 or so.

When you're rocket is flying through space horizontally, the smoky exhaust will rise above your spaceship.

Travel through time is best accomplished by something big, metal, and mobile. The smaller the time machine, the more likely is is to get screwed up. Anything that you hold in your hand or is controlled by someone else, might as well just kill your own mother right now.

[Kal L]

If you want to live then go with the cyborg with living flesh.

[Charles RB]

Daleks are the masters of Earth.

Daleks are the masters of Earth.

Daleks are the masters of Earth!

[Typo Lad]

In the future, computer consoles will be so intelligent that they can tell the difference between someone using their touch interface to launch a missile, and someone sitting on them. However, this butt sensing technlology will require so much power that a simple short will give off enough electricity to fry an elephant.

In the future, it seems, there is no surge protection technology.

Also:

The ancient technology known as "seatbelts" will vanish.

[Larry Dixon]

All computers, consoles, and displays HAVE NO --- and REQUIRE NO --- labels of any kind. Banks of identical flashing lights and buttons by the hundred are instantly and intuitively usable by anyone, without the need of text or symbols concerning their functions.

[Larry Dixon]

EXCEPTION to the LAST one:

Except Gerry & Sylvia Anderson shows, in which case, all locations and objects however obvious MUST be labelled prominently, preferably in Eurostyle Bold and most likely with International Orange and Black as part of the label.

(seriously, watch some. It's so true. A guy will press a button named "DOOR OPEN" and then, there will be a jumpcut to the door opening. The door, when it opens, will be labelled "ROOM ENTRY." I did that to my dorm room in the 80s, labelling everything in Eurostyle Bold including large placards that read "WINDOW" on every window. Thunderbirds are GO!)

[mailedbypostman1]

Two Federal Agents interested in finding the Truth don't stand a chance.

[Dazzler]

Your car can talk, drive itself, shoot lasers, and detect lies, but even it finds it awkward to confront you about the Members Only jacket and the permed mullet.

--Dazz

[mr.brighteyes]

Your car can talk, drive itself, shoot lasers, and detect lies, but even it finds it awkward to confront you about the Members Only jacket and the permed mullet.

--Dazz

Hey I had a members only jacket! :frown: :mad: :confused:

Tom Cruise's son will not only survive to the end of the movie but also beat him home on foot.

Time travel is possible but you must be naked to do it. (In that case why don't I time travel every night when I sleep.)

Climbing inside a time traveling refrigerator is dangerous and sets a bad example. riding a skate board while holding onto the back of a jeep/police car...not so much

[Charles RB]

Related to Larry's:

If you fly around in a marvellous high-tech international rescueing machine as part of a secret organisation, you better hope the Navy knows it's you and not a missile or they'll shoot you down.

[Copper]

Despite being labeled with such pejoratives as "backwater" "primitive" and "interstellar bus stop", the Earth is apparently the most valuable planet in the entire universe. This is indicated by the sheer number of alien invasions that seem to occur every year.

Favored alien invasion spots are: New York, Washington D.C., Los Angeles, Tokyo, and London.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Compelling, thoughtful sci fi WAS written prior to ST:TAS.

I'm re-watching the original Battlestar Galactica now. It's a lot better and more compelling than I remember. Sure, there was some camp, but there was also tautly executed stories and high concept sci fi going on there.

Plus? Best Space Uniforms Ever.

Also, I learned that you always need to end the preview of next week's episode with an explosion.

[Copper]

Compelling, thoughtful sci fi WAS written prior to ST:TAS.

I'm re-watching the original Battlestar Galactica now. It's a lot better and more compelling than I remember. Sure, there was some camp, but there was also tautly executed stories and high concept sci fi going on there.

Plus? Best Space Uniforms Ever.

I think the problem some people had with the original is that it had the misfortune of coming out after Star Wars.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

I think the problem some people had with the original is that it had the misfortune of coming out after Star Wars.

I had a Battlestar Galactica Colorforms set as a kid. You could equip the characters with a light saber. So there may be something to that.

Oh, and another thing I learned: Silver Lame Is The Future.

[Charles RB]

Compelling, thoughtful sci fi WAS written prior to ST:TAS.

Hell yeah. Tons of it.

But the effects look crap now and TV was made differently in previous decades, so it must be laughed at.

[section 8]

Khaaaan! Khaaaan Khaaan!

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Strings of Christmas lights in plastic tubes will play vital roles in the technology of the future.

Also AI will be gay. Very, VERY gay.

Dr. Theopolis from Buck Rogers.... "Aren't you an attractive man?" "Believe me, he's a WONDERFUL man."

Having no body doesn't stop him from havin' a big ol' crush!

[David O Burcham]

NEVER let the temp agency send you to Gizmonic Institute.

[Spackling Compound]

You will never, ever, ever have to change your clothes again.

[CutterMike]

In the future, no business will advertise and no clothing will have designer logos or "humorous" sayings on them.

[Larry Dixon]

Hell yeah. Tons of it.

But the effects look crap now and TV was made differently in previous decades, so it must be laughed at.

I helped restore some of the original miniatures from Galactica and Buck Rogers---the motion control Cylon Raider and Directorate Starfighter minis to be exact---and up close they looked terrible.

I idolized the stuff when it came out, and the truth of it is, these models only had to look good at broadcast TV resolution... which they did! But in your hands, there were obvious seam lines, paint strokes, glue smears...

...and I had to grin, because the actual miniatures used for the shows would never make it into a model competition due to shoddy quality. :)

[Bergman]

Short skirts that often don't cover your panties will be standard military uniforms for women, who of course are still the weaker sex.

Also all alien races will view us as either overly emotion warlike barbarians or peace-loving weaklings.

[Bergman]

In the future, no business will advertise and no clothing will have designer logos or "humorous" sayings on them.

Not even Omni-Consumer Products? How will I know what I'd buy for a dollar.

[Bergman]

Speaking of future corporations, I hear that slave-driver Mr. Spacely is going to start making his employees work four days a week!:eek:

[Tobias March]

All potions which cause people to shapeshift into Id monsters; all horrible alien fungoid diseases; all hostile invasions that conquer the earth in the name of galactic empire - they can all be reduced to a simple moral parable.

[Charles RB]

I helped restore some of the original miniatures from Galactica and Buck Rogers---the motion control Cylon Raider and Directorate Starfighter minis to be exact---and up close they looked terrible.


:frown:
.

[MacQuarrie]

I think the problem some people had with the original is that it had the misfortune of coming out after Star Wars.
It had to. It didn't exist prior to Star Wars. It was created in response.

[s33r]

All races have distinguishing traits that every member shares, with the exception of humans.

[MacQuarrie]

All races have distinguishing traits that every member shares, with the exception of humans.
All members of alien races are exactly identical in all respects. All are in good health and appear to be about 30 years old in comparable human age. The overwhelming majority of them are male.

All female aliens are attractive by human standards, wear very provocative and scanty clothing, and harbor no xenophobia about interspecies romance.

[Copper]

All members of alien races are exactly identical in all respects. All are in good health and appear to be about 30 years old in comparable human age. The overwhelming majority of them are male.

All female aliens are attractive by human standards, wear very provocative and scanty clothing, and harbor no xenophobia about interspecies romance.

Ok, this is something I never really understood. If Alex Raymond could present Mongo as a racially diverse alien world (the guy had Hawkmen, Lion Men and Shark Men running around) why couldn't other writers do that?

[Michael P]

It's called an effects budget.

[mailedbypostman1]

Another thing: All planets contain breathable, none poisonous air. Regardless of where they are.

[CutterMike]

Another thing: All planets contain breathable, none poisonous air. Regardless of where they are.Okay... So, THIS one I can actually accept. Not that all planets are essentially Earth-like, so much as THOSE are the only ones in which we'd be interested and be likely to visit.

I always imagined that -- much like the Lensman books of a generation previous -- somewhere in the Trek or B5 universes, there was a subset of species that consisted of frigid-blooded methane-breathers who found Pluto a delightful garden spot and explored and colonized those sorts of worlds and left the hellishly hot inner planets with liquid Di-Hydrogen Oxide scattered around everywhere to those who quite LIKE that sort of thing.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

In the future, architects and shipbuilders will have discarded windows.

[MacQuarrie]

In the future, architects and shipbuilders will have discarded windows.
Ever see a mall built in the '70s? That one happened for a while. SoCal is littered with these hideous fortresses, every one anchored by a bunker-like Macy's on one end.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Ever see a mall built in the '70s? That one happened for a while. SoCal is littered with these hideous fortresses, every one anchored by a bunker-like Macy's on one end.

HA! You have a point.

I'm imagining the mall builders weren't trying to save money on matte paintings, though.

[Tobias March]

The most efficient item used to detect aliens disguised as humans will be....a pair of shades.

[Charles RB]

Every army on Earth is completely incompetent and lacks even the most basic tactical knowledge.

[Larry Dixon]

I really, really adore this thread.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

"Everybody gets hurt, but everybody doesn't hurt everybody."

That Buck Rogers was quite a philosopher.

[Charles RB]

By 2060, all of humanity will have turned into puppets.

[Dazzler]

You may be hot. You may be sexy. You may have a doctorate at the tender age of 20, which you obtained after your lucrative modeling career. You may be all these things, but the sensitive space-hunk will always, ALWAYS choose the mousey nerd girl over you because of her pure spirit.

--Dazz

[Charles RB]

The creationists are half-right - there was intelligent design behind our creation, but the intelligence was hostile and Martian.

[Major Comma]

The coolest planets in the universe are made of Paper Machie.

[Pink Bat Maxine]

The 25th Century is Earth's Golden Age of Groove, Disco, and Swinging.

As such, the official governmental logo incorporates a rainbow flag. Somehow, however, there's no cocaine.

[Paradox]

GCom hears me in the audience:

Jim Kirk always won. Except that last time.

I only went to that movie for the sole purpose of, at the proper time, shouting "You're DEAD, Jim!" :tongue:

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

The major difference between alien races is differently-shaped foreheads.

Gamera is friend to all children.

Television, automobiles, radios, LSD, DDT, robots, trans-dimensional warps, computers, torpedos, tanks, and many other things were actually created shortly after the Civil War by mad scientists and hushed up by the government.

Someday, we will all wear brightly colored jumpsuits.

For God's sakes, check the airducts!!!

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Silver Lame...... It's the new Black.

[Charles RB]

Your headmaster is a nameless, merciless, mass-hypnotising supervillain out to conquer the world.

[Corrina]

Giant machines of mass destruction always have a small fatal flaw.

(I think George Lucas was paying attention to that one.)

Also, a women wearing skimpy clothing and up-front about being interested in sex with our hero is always evil. Occasionally, they are a pawn of evil and so die tragically unredeemed.

[Major Comma]

Identical twins in skimpy jumpsuits with purple hair
work for a SHADO organization of good guys!

[Tyr]

Every alien race will live longer then humans, no matter how aggressive or warlike they be.

No matter how bad the post apocalypse gets, Rod Serling will never run out of cigarettes.

There are three things that will survive the apocalypse, roaches, Twinkies and Klashinkoviseque assault rifles. Therefore large mutated ak47 touting roaches will ending up fighting over Twinkies when the end of the world comes.

Ok so that last one isn't really classic sci-fi but I couldn't resist throwing it in there.

[Paradox]

You're right. That last one isn't. But it sure OUGHT to be. :smile: