Parental Care...In the Future

[mgs]

So, I've been thinking, as I'm getting older, obviously my parents are too. And they're pretty old and not in the best of health.

I was wondering, how many of you are old enough to think about how to care for your parents in the later years.

I definitely don't want to put them in a 'home' if I can help it, but on the other hand, I don't exactly have the space for them to live with me right now, neither does my sister, but she might be able to cut it. This scares me. We had our grannie put in a home and it seemed awful.

She eventually lost her senses, alzheimers and whatnot, could not recognize anyone for long, and then you always hear about those adult home care horror stories and stuff.

I think my parents will be able to care for themselves financially and my dad is in better shape than my mom, even though he recently had more heart surgery. My sister was also recently diagnosed with Crohn's, so God help us if her health fails rapidly.

i realize a lot fo people may not care about their parents or don't want them to intrude on the family dynamics, but I was wondering a personal question from all of you...have you thought about this for your parents as well, and what will you do? What do you want to do? What are your reasons, financial, space, etc.? And if you already live with or have put them in a home, how are things working out? Thanks everyone.

[Ontir]

I've been thinking about it constantly for the last 10 years especially. My Dad died, and I've always thought that if I was in a stronger financial position, there were things I could've done that would've improved his life and extended it. Now my Mom is on her own, and she's really good with money (Dad was NOT!) and had everything in order, but her 401K took such a huge hit, that she's now concerned that she'll have to sell her house when she retires, and move into an apartment somewhere. I'm hoping that her 401K will rebound enough before she hits that point, but that's only 3 years from now. I'm trying to sell scripts, so I can afford to keep her in her home.

[Gary_B]

My parents are in their mid seventies and they have a "plan". My maternal grandfather died when he was 90 leaving behind my healthy 90 year old grandmother. She did okay for a couple of years but eventually she started having hip problems and her 2 floor house became problematic. My parents and my mothers sister tried to get her to move into a smaller place or a condo with assisted living services but my grandfather had left her with instructions to "never sell the house" and she couldn't imagine doing anything contrary to his wishes. Eventually she started having enough physical and mental problems that my mom and her sister arranged for her to stay in a very nice nursing home. She is much healthier now because her diet and personal hygiene had been suffering when she was on here own. It's been sad to witness and quite stressful for my parents, especially my mother.

One good thing that has come out of this is my parents have been making changes to their home and talking about old age scenarios. Some changes have been made to increase the re-sale value when they move out and some changes have been made to make getting around the house easier (handles by the bathtub, sturdier railing on the steps). Their experiences with my grandmother have forced them to make much more definitive plans for their old age. The rural town they live in has an entire new subdivision that was developed for elderly people. All of them are single floor dwellings with wheelchair accessibility built in throughout. I guess it's not a unique concept but can only be done where real-estate prices haven't gone too insane. My parents will sell their home and move into something smaller and easier to care for if and when their current beloved house gets to be too much for them.

If I ever feel that they aren't coping I will organize with my siblings to help them out. In a worse case scenario I would consider moving close to them to help out first hand.

[Sabrina_Fried]

My parents are in their late 50's, but up until May, we had been caring for my maternal grandmother who was in her 80's (she died in May, her husband has been dead for about 30 years or so). My grandmother steadfastly refused to go to any sort of home or assisted living facility. She refused all live-in help, though we kept hiring live-in help anyway becuase, well, to be blunt, my mom needed to work to help pay the bills so we had no choice. Basically she insisted that my mother take care of her, personally, as much as possible. When I volunteered to take my mother's place, even for a day or so in order to let my mom rest, I was either refused or relegated to basic tasks like taking out the garbage and buying groceries. We tried to oblige her as best we could with my sister and I and our dad doing whatever we could to free up my mom to take care of my grandmother. But it was still rough on all of us.

If my parents have a long-term plan, they haven't discussed it with me. I think they are still at that stage in life where they don't think they will ever become invalids, like my grandmother was in her last few years. But if nothing else, they are honest with me about their medical conditions and such, which is a lesson we learned from my grandomother who didn't want my parents to tell me anything about her health. As a result, when she was diagnosed with the cancer that ultimately killed her, it was a surprise.

Right now, the best I can do is prepare myself for the inevitable, I guess. I am running on the assumptiion that my parents will end up like my grandmother was someday. So I am trying to prepare for that. I am keeping my first aid certification up to date, and trying to stay physically healthy so that I could potentially do things like move and lift an invalid person if I had to. I hope my parents would be more willing to accept professional help when the time comes.

Sabrina

[MacQuarrie]

My mom is 71. I told her she can live in my attic if she wants.

She said "I can't get up and down those stairs with my knees."

I said "you only have to get up there once. We'll get you a TV and a drool cup, you'll be fine."

[The Black Guardian]

To put it briefly... I won't be.

[Ontir]

My mom is 71. I told her she can live in my attic if she wants.

She said "I can't get up and down those stairs with my knees."

I said "you only have to get up there once. We'll get you a TV and a drool cup, you'll be fine."

LOL!

My best friend's mother, a black hole of human, emotional need, is insistent that she's going to move in with he and his partner. A few years ago she was at the house (while I was visiting) and again began the "I should move in..." stuff. The partner said, "We've got your room already!" She was stunned and followed his lead, but instead of going to the guest room, he stopped at the china cabinet and pointed out an urn he'd bought at antique shop. "This," he said, "is the ONLY way you are ever living in this house!" She asks about moving in less frequently now.

[StoneGold]

http://www.septicisle.info/uploaded_images/soylent_green-749218.gif

[Shellhead]

My dad died of cancer last month. He got the diagnosis early this year, so we had many months to plan for the future.

My mom is 65 and fairly healthy, and judging by previous generations in her family, she will probably live another 20 years. However, for about a year now, she has been showing early signs of Alzheimer's. My sister is a nurse, and lives in the same city as my mom, and she, her fiancee and my mom are all very nice people.

So the plan is to wait a couple of years until the housing market has recovered somewhat, then sell my mom's house. She will put most of her stuff in storage for a while and move in with my sister and her fiancee at their house. Then my mom will give them a chunk of the proceeds from the house sale so they can sell their house and buy a bigger place with a semi-separate "senior apartment" for my mom and her cat. That way my sister can keep my mom close but not too close, and watch out for her as her memory declines.

Originally, they wanted to get all the house selling and buying and moving done this year, so that my dad could supervise the addition of a senior apartment to my sister's current house. He was a construction contractor for part of his career, so he would have really kept the work on track. It didn't work out, because my dad was suffering too much for the last several months of his life, and wouldn't have been able to properly oversee the construction.

[Ontir]

Man, Shell. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I've been there, it sucks a whole lot.
Wishing you and your family the best possible New Years.

[Davideaux]

LOL!

My best friend's mother, a black hole of human, emotional need, is insistent that she's going to move in with he and his partner. A few years ago she was at the house (while I was visiting) and again began the "I should move in..." stuff. The partner said, "We've got your room already!" She was stunned and followed his lead, but instead of going to the guest room, he stopped at the china cabinet and pointed out an urn he'd bought at antique shop. "This," he said, "is the ONLY way you are ever living in this house!" She asks about moving in less frequently now.

Wow, your friend's partner is kind of an a**hole.

[Ontir]

No, my friend's Mother is a deranged and delusional woman, who made his life hell until he finally got to live with his Dad a few years after the divorce. There's no reason his Dad should have to pay the woman alimony at this point, but he continues to do so, because he knows that she would be on her son's door-step the day the checks stopped coming. Even with a rather blunt, "NO!" she continues to ask, just far less frequently.

I'm a pretty laid-back guy, and I can tolerate a lot from annoying people, but 40 minutes in a car with her and I was looking for a rifle and a bell tower! I even said to the partner that my friend was the right guy to own a handgun, because if he hasn't shot her whacked ass by now, he never ever will!

[MacQuarrie]

My brother once pulled the old "blood is thicker than water" on me.

My answer?

"So is shit."

[Rob Allen]

My dad is 83 and mom is 77. They live on their own in a little house in the country, and my brother's house is two stone's throws away. I'm three thousand miles away, so there isn't much I can do on a daily basis. Dad started dialysis this summer and is doing well although the long-term prognosis isn't great. Mom still smokes cigarettes - not as many as when she was working, but enough to make me concerned. She actually worked at the nearest geriatric medical facility before retiring, so they know better than most people what's available in their area.

[K'Nort]

There's just my brother and I, and my parents are divorced, so that could get fun.

My mother has been planning pretty carefully for years. When we turned 18, she basically told us "We're done living together. The money I save by not supporting you in your 20s means that you won't have to support me in my 80s." This was when it was super common (at least per the media) for college grad kids to move back home so this wasn't out of thin air.

We paid our own ways through college for the same reason. Which I think is totally rational.

Her pension is a fixed govt employee thing rather than a 401k, so that's been stable.

[mgs]

thanks for the honesty everyone, gives me more to think about.

[MacQuarrie]

Well, I might as well give a less snarky answer.

My dad died of emphysema a couple of years ago. My mom lives in Arizona, a good 7 hour drive from me. She has five sons, of which I am number 2, but I'm the one she fights with least. Mom is 71 and pretty healthy and active. Her parents lived into their 90s, and she is much more health-conscious than they, so I expect we won't have to really think about any kind of care for her for at least 10 years.

When that time comes:

Older brother is a self-important jackass who will try to make all the decisions and dictate to everyone, and of course his decisions will be based on whatever benefits him. He'll most likely try to figure out some way of selling her house and giving himself the money.

To avoid that inevitability, I believe Mom is planning to write up something that puts me in as executor/trustee/whatever. She's only mentioned it briefly, but she's made it pretty clear she doesn't want older brother's filthy hands on anything. It's not that I'm more qualified than any of the others, I'm just least likely to try to screw anyone over, especially her.

Of the three younger than me, #3 is by far the most capable, but he's also the one who least deserves to be saddled with the responsibility. He was, in the lingo of those who study alcoholic dysfunction, the "scapegoat" of the family; he took the majority of dad's abuse and violence, and got the short end of the stick in every possible way once the divorce was final. Mom owes him big-time, and he shouldn't have to deal with any of this.

#4 lives a mile or two away from Mom, but he is (a) criminally irresponsible and self-centered, (b) functionally illiterate and an irrational jackass and (c) unable to get along with her for an hour and unable to get along without her for a day.

#5 is a recovering crackhead speed freak with a bullet in his head and the intelligence of kelp. As soon as his parole is done, he's planning to move to her place to help take care of things there. As long as she's able to tell him what to do he'll be fine, but if/when she begins to lose her faculties, somebody will have to take care of both of them.

Whatever happens, neither of them will be living in my house.

[MacQuarrie]

So I suppose at some point I'll need to talk to an attorney about all this. Or she will.

[MacQuarrie]

All of which is to say, I have no idea how we'll deal with parental care.

[Ontir]

To avoid that inevitability, I believe Mom is planning to write up something that puts me in as executor/trustee/whatever. She's only mentioned it briefly, but she's made it pretty clear she doesn't want older brother's filthy hands on anything. It's not that I'm more qualified than any of the others, I'm just least likely to try to screw anyone over, especially her.

She should, while she's in good health and having no problems, get you onto her bank account, and probably get the house in your name. That way, if all hell breaks loose, the "T"s are dotted and the "I"s crossed!

Sounds like your family's been through hell! I wish you well.

[yollyP.]

All of which is to say, I have no idea how we'll deal with parental care.

Just do what you think is best in general. Remember, you're the only "good son" in your family. I can't understand why families "fight" over wealth or something like that. But anyway, this is you life and what lies ahead is up to you.

[MacQuarrie]

Just do what you think is best in general. Remember, you're the only "good son" in your family. I can't understand why families "fight" over wealth or something like that. But anyway, this is you life and what lies ahead is up to you.

Here's the weird part: Mom doesn't have anything worth fighting over. That won't stop anyone, though.

I'm not really "the good son"; I'm just one of the less-douchebag ones. On a lot of ways, my younger brother is the "good" one, which is Ironic since he was the "troublemaker" when we were kids.

You should have seen them picking over my dad's meager belongings like hungry hyenas. There were actual screaming arguments over who would get to keep his toolbox. I have a big box of his photos that I was scanning for the family, and in two years nobody has asked me about them. But the tools, hell, those are worth going to war over.

[Ontir]

Nothing is so meager it can't be fought and/or sued over. Getting all that stuff sorted - as your Mom wants it - now, will save time, blood pressure and relationships later.

[MacQuarrie]

Nothing is so meager it can't be fought and/or sued over. Getting all that stuff sorted - as your Mom wants it - now, will save time, blood pressure and relationships later.

Not really. Based on Dad's funeral, somebody's wife, girlfriend or pals will show up at her house while everyone's at the mortuary and load up a pickup truck.

The tools my brothers fought over? It appears my half-sister's boyfriend spirited them away during the two weeks dad was hospitalized. She swears she doesn't know a thing about it.

Long and short, I don't give a damn what happens to her stuff after she's gone. All that matters right now is making sure she keeps it until then, and at the moment dealing with her is enough grief to keep them all away. Hell, she moved to Arizona like five years ago, and I've never been to her place. She comes here often enough. When she's here, she usually tells my kids that their cousins are her favorites.

So when the time comes that I have to grudgingly accept the responsibility of taking care of her, I'll deal with it. Until then I'm not going to do anything. I ave enough on my plate making sure my kids get through college so they can take care of me when I'm old and senile.

[Gilda Dent]

My mom is in her early 50s and in very good health. I'd have no problem taking care of her in my home if she needed it, but I suspect we'll be well in to the '20s, possibly the '30s before anything like that will come up. I don't know how I'll feel then or what my family situation will be. Will and Molly will both be in their 20s or 30s by the time comes, so there's the possibility of help from them.

My dad is quite a bit closer. He's in his mid 60s and not in the best of health, having drunk to excess and smoked most of his adult life. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't live to see 70. I also couldn't care less what happens to him when his body and/or mind does start to fail on him. He may get help from my brother or sister, but I'd sooner leave him homeless than lift a finger or spend a penny to give him any comfort. He wants nothing to do with me, and I plan to honor that desire as fully as possible.

[schwamp]

Long and short, I don't give a damn what happens to her stuff after she's gone. All that matters right now is making sure she keeps it until then, and at the moment dealing with her is enough grief to keep them all away. Hell, she moved to Arizona like five years ago, and I've never been to her place. She comes here often enough. When she's here, she usually tells my kids that their cousins are her favorites.

So when the time comes that I have to grudgingly accept the responsibility of taking care of her, I'll deal with it. Until then I'm not going to do anything. I ave enough on my plate making sure my kids get through college so they can take care of me when I'm old and senile.

Hey Mac, please tell me you have talked to her about a living trust. I see that mom is a piece of work, but since she seems to lean towards you as a voice of reason, she may be able to see the good in this. She can take the mystery, and headache for you, out of settling the estate when she is gone. She can also make arrangements for her care in the trust that family members may have a hard time agreeing to when the time comes. That is, when tough, quick decisions need to be made, it eliminates another potential quarrel.
I, too, am facing elder care issues. My mom suffers from dimentia. My brother, God bless him, lives with her now. He does a great job with her now, but she will need more than he can give soon. She had previously bought insurance for long term care, but after reading the terms, my brother and I cancelled the coverage, as it was severely limited in it's coverage. We are probably going to have an attendant, at least on a part time basis, when she can't be left alone anymore. Our whole world will change, I'm sure.

[stealthwise]

My brother once pulled the old "blood is thicker than water" on me.

My answer?

"So is shit."

Only if you're eating right.

[MacQuarrie]

Hey Mac, please tell me you have talked to her about a living trust. I see that mom is a piece of work, but since she seems to lean towards you as a voice of reason, she may be able to see the good in this. She can take the mystery, and headache for you, out of settling the estate when she is gone. She can also make arrangements for her care in the trust that family members may have a hard time agreeing to when the time comes. That is, when tough, quick decisions need to be made, it eliminates another potential quarrel.
I, too, am facing elder care issues. My mom suffers from dimentia. My brother, God bless him, lives with her now. He does a great job with her now, but she will need more than he can give soon. She had previously bought insurance for long term care, but after reading the terms, my brother and I cancelled the coverage, as it was severely limited in it's coverage. We are probably going to have an attendant, at least on a part time basis, when she can't be left alone anymore. Our whole world will change, I'm sure.
No, I haven't. You have to understand, one does not talk to mom. One nods and says 'uh huh" as she talks and talks and talks and says the same thing fifteen times.

Mom doesn't know what she thinks until she hears herself say it, so she constantly narrates her life, describing everything she does. She has also never been happy anywhere at any time, so no matter where she is, she is constantly describing how much better some other place is.

On one occasion, I offered her a Coke five times in a row and she never responded. Finally I got up and got one for myself, at which point she suddenly had the great idea that a Coke would be good and asked if she could have one.

Trying to tell her about a living trust would be madness. If she heard the suggestion at all, say, on the seventh or eighth try, her response would be either a howling screed about the evils of the Democrat party and the destruction of the economy by various foreign powers (all identified by racial slurs), or a rant about how I'm wishing death on her, followed by another about how my brothers would try to grab all her stuff, followed by another about how rotten my half-sisters were to my brother over Dad's tools, etcetera ad infinitum.

No, my best course of action is to just wait; eventually somebody on TBN will mention Living Trusts, and then it will be her idea.

Seriously. Mom edits reality.

[schwamp]

No, I haven't. You have to understand, one does not talk to mom. One nods and says 'uh huh" as she talks and talks and talks and says the same thing fifteen times.

Mom doesn't know what she thinks until she hears herself say it, so she constantly narrates her life, describing everything she does. She has also never been happy anywhere at any time, so no matter where she is, she is constantly describing how much better some other place is.

On one occasion, I offered her a Coke five times in a row and she never responded. Finally I got up and got one for myself, at which point she suddenly had the great idea that a Coke would be good and asked if she could have one.

Trying to tell her about a living trust would be madness. If she heard the suggestion at all, say, on the seventh or eighth try, her response would be either a howling screed about the evils of the Democrat party and the destruction of the economy by various foreign powers (all identified by racial slurs), or a rant about how I'm wishing death on her, followed by another about how my brothers would try to grab all her stuff, followed by another about how rotten my half-sisters were to my brother over Dad's tools, etcetera ad infinitum.

No, my best course of action is to just wait; eventually somebody on TBN will mention Living Trusts, and then it will be her idea.

Seriously. Mom edits reality.

Uh











oh









wow, OK, wow. well,

how the hell did you ever survive your childhood?

Anyway, sorry to hear mom is mental. It is a shame as it will be a headache in probate for you as the likely executor of the estate. Or, rather, what is left of the estate. Good luck.

[MacQuarrie]

how the hell did you ever survive your childhood?
Easy. Comic books, Saturday morning cartoons, the Dr. Demento show, and spending as much time as possible at friends' houses.

Mom's probate will be easy; let anybody have whatever they want and walk away clean. First come first serve and leave me out of it. Easy.

[schwamp]

Comic books, Saturday morning cartoons, the Dr. Demento show.


Mac is wise.

[MrsBruceWayne]

I have only known my mom. She raised my older sister and I alone, with no financial help whatsoever, as he was a druggiedeadbeat loser who ran off. Anyhoo.
She has done SO much for me in my life, that its my plan to take care of her when/if she ever gets to that point. We fortunately havent had anything lik ethat happen in our family, we have lost people, but more so suddenly than slowly..
I am sure i will NEVER be rich, but i do plan to take care of her, fulltime, if she ever needs it.
I am in a place where I can though, I had my son relatively early and am planning no more children, so she wouldnt "get in the way" as some may feel.
Plus, to me, family is NEVER in the way.
:]