Valmore
12-06-2008, 10:22 PM
WASHINGTON, DC – Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, was before a Senate committee yesterday, pleading his case for a $50 billion stimulus bailout for his suffering industry.
“Production costs are way up this year,” Claus told the committee, “With all of this new-fangled technology I’ve had to train the elves in consumer electronics construction and programming and the parts are pricey.”
In the past Claus has managed to offset costs from his one primary source of income – collecting the cookies children leave for him, repackaging them and selling them to bakeries. But he claims that the gap is too wide for that too happen.
“The cookies aren’t out as frequently anymore,” Claus said. “With the downward trend in carbohydrate purchases, people have been leaving out alternatives or nothing at all. I can’t repackage cheese as it doesn’t keep in my sleigh. And no one wants fruitcake.”
Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Fannie Mae) questioned the wisdom of running an industry that only works on one night.
“You have it pretty good there, Claus,” Dodd said. “For 364 days of the year you kick it back in Maui chasing girls in coconut bras and downing mixed drinks while your elves slave away.”
Claus responded by saying Dodd would receive “two lumps of coal in his stocking” for that remark.
Claus has had a rough season this year. The Elves Strike in June forced Claus to cut the workday to six hours and provide dental coverage. Currently, only one elf, Hermey, performs dentistry in the North Pole metropolitan area. His rates were chastised as “deplorable” by the American Dental Association.
When questioned by Senator Harry Reid (D-Caesar’s Palace) if Claus had been “cooking the books for ages” Claus lashed out with the following retort:
“I’m sick of you Senators wanting me to share the wealth of toys and not backing me up,” Claus said. “Essentially, your country’s endlessly long wish lists without any funding force me to run a deficit-spending business. We can’t survive without the money we’re asking for. Without it, Christmas will be cancelled.”
Senator John McCain (R-Sarah Palin’s Bedroom) has stated that there is a plan in place should Christmas be cancelled by Claus.
“My friends,” McCain said, “Christmas will most assuredly not be cancelled. We’ve contacted the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and they’ll be assigned a mission in which they help Rudolph and Linus Van Pelt save Christmas by bringing joy back into Santa’s life.”
Joy is reportedly a buxom 25-year old redheaded female from Kennebunkport, Maine.
“Production costs are way up this year,” Claus told the committee, “With all of this new-fangled technology I’ve had to train the elves in consumer electronics construction and programming and the parts are pricey.”
In the past Claus has managed to offset costs from his one primary source of income – collecting the cookies children leave for him, repackaging them and selling them to bakeries. But he claims that the gap is too wide for that too happen.
“The cookies aren’t out as frequently anymore,” Claus said. “With the downward trend in carbohydrate purchases, people have been leaving out alternatives or nothing at all. I can’t repackage cheese as it doesn’t keep in my sleigh. And no one wants fruitcake.”
Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Fannie Mae) questioned the wisdom of running an industry that only works on one night.
“You have it pretty good there, Claus,” Dodd said. “For 364 days of the year you kick it back in Maui chasing girls in coconut bras and downing mixed drinks while your elves slave away.”
Claus responded by saying Dodd would receive “two lumps of coal in his stocking” for that remark.
Claus has had a rough season this year. The Elves Strike in June forced Claus to cut the workday to six hours and provide dental coverage. Currently, only one elf, Hermey, performs dentistry in the North Pole metropolitan area. His rates were chastised as “deplorable” by the American Dental Association.
When questioned by Senator Harry Reid (D-Caesar’s Palace) if Claus had been “cooking the books for ages” Claus lashed out with the following retort:
“I’m sick of you Senators wanting me to share the wealth of toys and not backing me up,” Claus said. “Essentially, your country’s endlessly long wish lists without any funding force me to run a deficit-spending business. We can’t survive without the money we’re asking for. Without it, Christmas will be cancelled.”
Senator John McCain (R-Sarah Palin’s Bedroom) has stated that there is a plan in place should Christmas be cancelled by Claus.
“My friends,” McCain said, “Christmas will most assuredly not be cancelled. We’ve contacted the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and they’ll be assigned a mission in which they help Rudolph and Linus Van Pelt save Christmas by bringing joy back into Santa’s life.”
Joy is reportedly a buxom 25-year old redheaded female from Kennebunkport, Maine.