Ask a Man Wise in the Ways of Science

[Tommy]

Through the grace of our loving and merciful God, I have achieved great wisdom of all Earthly matters of nature and movement of the heavens. So I beseech you to inquire of me what ever curiosity our most gracious LORD has deemed to put in your head.

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

Which watch is the Swiss wrist watch?

[Tommy]

Which watch is the Swiss wrist watch?

It is a well known fact that the Swiss employ devilish imps to move dials in their infernal time pieces. If you place a watch upon your wrist only to feel yourself damned, then you will know you have a Swiss watch.

[DavidAllred]

How do I know she's a witch?

[Sabrinaset]

What will SkrullEmperorJason's next identity be?

[Tommy]

How do I know she's a witch?

We must ask ourselves: What do we do with witches?

Burn them!

Now, what do burn besides witches?

Wood!

So, why do witches burn?

Because they're made of wood!

So, how do you tell if she is made of wood? Tell me, does wood sink?

No, it floats.

What also floats in water?

A duck!

So if she weighs as much as a duck she is made of wood. And therefore: A witch!

[Tommy]

What will SkrullEmperorJason's next identity be?

Through the judicious reading of the prophesies contained in the book of Daniel I can say that his new identity will be some obscure female character owned by the DC comics company.

[mgs]

Through the grace of our loving and merciful God, I have achieved great wisdom of all Earthly matters of nature and movement of the heavens. So I beseech you to inquire of me what ever curiosity our most gracious LORD has deemed to put in your head.

So.....you're a man of science, yet you inquire as to what questions an entity called the 'LORD' has put into our heads?!??? O.o

[The Beast Of Yucca Flats]

I have it on good authority that sheep's bladders may be employed in the prevention of earthquakes. What say you of this theory?

[Tommy]

So.....you're a man of science, yet you inquire as to what questions an entity called the 'LORD' has put into our heads?!??? O.o

What are thoughts?

They are invisible!

And what else is invisible?

God!

And what else is invisible?

Satan!

Therefore, scientifically, we now know that our thoughts are merely the residue of the Fall. But I realize the common peasantry might scoff and choose to remain ignorant of these enlightened facts.

[Tommy]

I have it on good authority that sheep's bladders may be employed in the prevention of earthquakes. What say you of this theory?

That theory is as sound as the fact that the Earth is banana shaped.

[RachelEvil]

Where do beanie babies come from?

[OzBat!]

I hear cosmic string theory has been developed to create a shoelace that never gets irrepairably knotted. The question is, how long is a piece of string?

[Tommy]

Where do beanie babies come from?

Hell.

I hear cosmic string theory has been developed to create a shoelace that never gets irrepairably knotted. The question is, how long is a piece of string?

Using the most modern scientific technology, we can deduce that a string is as long as God wants it to be.

[Flâneur]

Can enemas be used as weapons in the war on terror??

[Tommy]

Can enemas be used as weapons in the war on terror??

An African or European enema?

[Ben Morgan]

Which is better: marshmallows or lead?

[Tommy]

Which is better: marshmallows or lead?

While the alchemists have tired, and failed, to turn lead into marshmallows, we now know that transmutation is impossible because marshmallows are made of fire and lead is made of water. And since fire is better than water (breathing smoke being necessary for life, while water is an addictive substance that should be wholly illegal) we know marshmallows are better than lead.

[RachelEvil]

Is there life on Mars?

[Flâneur]

An African or European enema?

From Madagascar, of course! Where else would one get enemas?

[Lester C.]

What will be the final resolution between the Jaina Solo Zeck and Jag Fell love triangle?

[Ben Morgan]

What will be the final resolution between the Lester and ManFaye love triangle?

[Lester C.]

What will be the final resolution between the Ben Morgan, Ms. Piggy and Kermit the Frog love triangle?

[Ben Morgan]

What will be the final resolution between the Lester, Lester's right hand, and Jack Bauer love triangle?

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks?

[Flamebird]

Why is water wet, but martinis are dry?

[The Beast Of Yucca Flats]

My sincere thanks to you, most exalted & learned one. Now, if I might trouble you for but another moment with but another conundrum that vexes me so...

[ahem] What are those two dogs doing?

[Pink Bat Maxine]

Dear Man Wise Is The Ways Of Science,

What's the most efficient way to burn heretics and witches?

[Tommy]

From Madagascar, of course! Where else would one get enemas?

Well it is a well known fact that the African enema is larger and stronger than the European variety. It would be the most preferable for torture, especially of those French bastards holding the Holy Grail hostage. I would suggest using coconut milk.

Is there life on Mars?

Of course not. Science tells us that Mars is merely a small light in the celestial sphere. While some day man might climb the tall mountains that support the sky and touch it, as of now there is no life on Mars.

What will be the final resolution between the Jaina Solo Zeck and Jag Fell love triangle?

Science tells as that the answer is in the Book of Daniel.

What will be the final resolution between the Ben Morgan, Ms. Piggy and Kermit the Frog love triangle?

Science demands you read your bible!

Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks?

King Ricberht of East Anglia.

Why is water wet, but martinis are dry?

That is because Alcohol is not made out of Water, being the lowest of the elements and quite unnecessary, but rather Alcohol comes from grains. Now as grains are neither vegetables nor animals, then grain must be minerals. And since Alcohol is a mineral it is made from earth, and thus dry.

My sincere thanks to you, most exalted & learned one. Now, if I might trouble you for but another moment with but another conundrum that vexes me so...

[ahem] What are those two dogs doing?
They are forming an autonomous collective.
Dear Man Wise Is The Ways Of Science,

What's the most efficient way to burn heretics and witches?

At the stake.

What will be the final resolution between the Lester and ManFaye love triangle?

A good bleeding with leeches.

What will be the final resolution between the Lester, Lester's right hand, and Jack Bauer love triangle?

A tragic build up of bile in his system.

[Kyuubi]

We must ask ourselves: What do we do with witches?

Burn them!

Now, what do burn besides witches?

Wood!

So, why do witches burn?

Because they're made of wood!

So, how do you tell if she is made of wood? Tell me, does wood sink?

No, it floats.

What also floats in water?

A duck!

So if she weighs as much as a duck she is made of wood. And therefore: A witch!



NOT. COOL.

[Cam63]

Dear Man Wise Is The Ways Of Science,

What's the most efficient way to burn heretics and witches?

You should be addressing this in the " Ask A Spanish Inquisitionist " thread.

[Flâneur]

Tommy, I have another question. Do you have naked pictures???

[RachelEvil]

Of course not. Science tells us that Mars is merely a small light in the celestial sphere. While some day man might climb the tall mountains that support the sky and touch it, as of now there is no life on Mars.

Okay, then.

But, did Ziggy play guitar?

Also, who will love Aladdin Sane?

[OzBat!]

Dear Scientist gifted in wisdomly ways:

Those mad mexicans have made diamonds out of tequila (http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/11/12/2417347.htm):Mexican scientists have turned the country's national tipple tequila into diamonds, and are seeking applications for their discovery - but the crystals are too small to be used in jewellery.

The tequila diamonds could be used to "detect radiation, coat cutting tools or, above all, as a substitute for silicon in the computer chips of the future," said Miguel Apatiga, one of three researchers from the National Autonomous University of Mexico who made the discovery.Do you think we'll be seeing Jack Daniels jewelry soon? How about industrial Jim Beam? Do any kinds of alcoholic gems occur in nature?

[Flamebird]

Tommy, I have another question. Do you have naked pictures???

Of who? :wink:

[Flâneur]

Of who? :wink:

Take a guess. :wink:

[OzBat!]

If Mexican computers have tequila diamond chips instead of silicon, will the Mexican brands take over the world? And how will message borders tell if it's the poster or the computer posting drunk?

[Flying Saucers Over Oz]

You should be addressing this in the " Ask A Spanish Inquisitionist " thread.

Well, they'd be expecting that...