topnotch
11-09-2008, 03:39 PM
A couple of my friends and I are writing and drawing some Manga. We have several things written out and some artwork done. Can you please read and review our work.
The first is Tnemrot Set in the near future, the poverty gap has become so great that anyone below the upper class is considered not human. Also, the masses have been dumbed down so that literature, theatre, etc. have all been erased, along with anything to do with them (Such as television). With no other form of entertainment, the rich enslave the poor and force them to compete in gladitorial battles while wearing chips that make the fighter immobile, so that their owner can control their movements, sort of like a video game.
heres a little bit of the script
Page One (Five Panels)
Panel One: Open to the slums of a big city. There are boarded up windows, buildings covered in graffiti and such, pathways and road cracking apart, etc. Several men and women, all with wild hair and ragged clothing, are scrambling towards half a loaf of bread (Not sliced, altogether and looking fresh from the oven) lying in the middle of the street.
Caption: Faded Glory, formerly Uptown New York
Panel Two: Some of the people attack others in order to take down their competition. They look more like animals in their brawling, than humans
Panel Three: Not seven feet away from the loaf, the melee rages as people start to fall and others decide on different targets. However many the number, we’re down to five, the rest lying beaten on the ground.
Screams: RRAAHHHH!
Screams: HAARRR!
Panel Four: One man breaks another’s neck while two of the others gang up on the last remaining person. Desperate and animalistic, we can hardly recognise these fighters as humans.
SFX: BAM!
SFX: WHAP!
Panel Five: Dae leaps from out of nowhere, flying at the fighters, to take the rest of them down. He is unlike his normal self, with a fine beard on his face and a ragged coat as his clothes. We get the feeling of a panther or some other large cat getting ready to pounce on its prey
Dae: RROORRWW!!!
Page Two (Six Panels)
Panel One: Close up as Dae’s first slams into one of the people that are still standing.
SFX: WHAM!
Panel Two: He has now moved over to the two that were ganging up on the other person, who has collapsed to the ground. They enter fighting stances while awaiting him to strike first. They have either done this before or they have just been trained well.
Panel Three: With effortless ease, Dae grabs them both by the sides of their heads and smashes their skulls together.
SFX: CRUNCH!
Panel Four: As his last two opponents have fallen, Dae has no further obstacles, and so heads for his prize.
Panel Five: Close in on one of the fallen, as he opens his eyes and looks at Dae. He was faking it this entire time, waiting for the others to tire themselves out so he could strike when they were weak.
Panel Six: He starts to get up, with a small knife in his hand.
Page Three (Five Panels)
Panel One: Dae swirls around as the man who was lying down is now on his knees and is throwing the knife directly at Dae.
Man: HYAH!
Panel Two: The knife doesn’t stab, but it slices Dae just on the shoulder.
Dae: RAAH!
Panel Three: The man pulls out another knife and stalks forward, arms raised and he’s walking sort of like an ape would in a straight line.
Man: Heheheh.
Panel Four: Dae kneels on the ground, knife just behind him, but he’s too busy clutching his shoulder to notice anything else.
Panel Five: The man is right on top of him, ready to stab and Dae has made no move to stop him from doing so.
Man: HAARR!
Panel Four (Seven Panels)
Panel One: Dae’s hand darts behind him to the knife that cut him before.
Panel Two: He pulls his hand back upwards and manages to block the other knife from hitting him, although if he had waited two more seconds he would be dead.
SFX: SHING!
Panel Three: Dae gets to his feet, ignoring the shoulder wound and starts dancing on his tip toes as he readies to either attack or defend.
Panel Four: The man lunges forward, Dae blocks.
SFX: CLANG!
Panel Five: Dae goes for a horizontal slice, which the man narrowly dodges.
SFX: WIFF!
Panel Six: The man brings down a vertical slice, his arm raised high above his head.
Man: HRAAHH!!!
Panel Seven: Seeing the perfect opportunity to end this match quickly, Dae strikes forward and stabs the man directly in the heart.
Dae: SHAH!
SFX: SHUNG!
Panel Five (Six Panels)
Panel One: With nothing else to distract him, Dae starts tearing into the bread, like a starved dog with opposable thumbs. In the background, two short men appear, both bald and wearing tunics. I had something like Smeagol or Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies in my head for these guys. One is in red and the other in green.
Green: Heh, I love it when they take the bait.
Red: Seems we have found our winner.
Panel Two: Stopping his meal for a few seconds, Dae turns to face these two. With some food in his belly, he has become more human, more civilised. We can tell he does not belong in this environment, but there’s nothing he can do about it.
Dae: Can I help you gentlemen?
Green: Why yes, we wanted to congratulate you for winning the little prize we put out.
Dae: You planted the loaf here just to get us all to brawl?
Panel Three: By their casual manner, we can tell that Red and Green do not care much for the lower class people.
Red: We only take the best stock.
Red: We had to make sure only the best got to that crumb your savage kind would call a feast.
Green: Also, to make sure you came with us, we laced it with knock out drugs.
Panel Four: Dae drops the loaf, which is leaking a purple ooze, and starts to look weaker, his eyes closing and his posture slacking. He’s about to fall.
Green: (Off panel) And with your blood loss, it seems to be kicking in quicker.
Panel Five: Dae falls to the ground.
Dae: Ooohh….
Panel Six: From Dae’s point of view, we see Red and Green standing over him. Dae’s eyes are closing, so they’re blurry.
Red: Come on, we need to get him into the cage.
Red: We’ll sell him tomorrow.
I would like to post some of the artwork from it. Can someone please tell me how? Remember any and all feedback is appreciated. Thank you for your time.
The first is Tnemrot Set in the near future, the poverty gap has become so great that anyone below the upper class is considered not human. Also, the masses have been dumbed down so that literature, theatre, etc. have all been erased, along with anything to do with them (Such as television). With no other form of entertainment, the rich enslave the poor and force them to compete in gladitorial battles while wearing chips that make the fighter immobile, so that their owner can control their movements, sort of like a video game.
heres a little bit of the script
Page One (Five Panels)
Panel One: Open to the slums of a big city. There are boarded up windows, buildings covered in graffiti and such, pathways and road cracking apart, etc. Several men and women, all with wild hair and ragged clothing, are scrambling towards half a loaf of bread (Not sliced, altogether and looking fresh from the oven) lying in the middle of the street.
Caption: Faded Glory, formerly Uptown New York
Panel Two: Some of the people attack others in order to take down their competition. They look more like animals in their brawling, than humans
Panel Three: Not seven feet away from the loaf, the melee rages as people start to fall and others decide on different targets. However many the number, we’re down to five, the rest lying beaten on the ground.
Screams: RRAAHHHH!
Screams: HAARRR!
Panel Four: One man breaks another’s neck while two of the others gang up on the last remaining person. Desperate and animalistic, we can hardly recognise these fighters as humans.
SFX: BAM!
SFX: WHAP!
Panel Five: Dae leaps from out of nowhere, flying at the fighters, to take the rest of them down. He is unlike his normal self, with a fine beard on his face and a ragged coat as his clothes. We get the feeling of a panther or some other large cat getting ready to pounce on its prey
Dae: RROORRWW!!!
Page Two (Six Panels)
Panel One: Close up as Dae’s first slams into one of the people that are still standing.
SFX: WHAM!
Panel Two: He has now moved over to the two that were ganging up on the other person, who has collapsed to the ground. They enter fighting stances while awaiting him to strike first. They have either done this before or they have just been trained well.
Panel Three: With effortless ease, Dae grabs them both by the sides of their heads and smashes their skulls together.
SFX: CRUNCH!
Panel Four: As his last two opponents have fallen, Dae has no further obstacles, and so heads for his prize.
Panel Five: Close in on one of the fallen, as he opens his eyes and looks at Dae. He was faking it this entire time, waiting for the others to tire themselves out so he could strike when they were weak.
Panel Six: He starts to get up, with a small knife in his hand.
Page Three (Five Panels)
Panel One: Dae swirls around as the man who was lying down is now on his knees and is throwing the knife directly at Dae.
Man: HYAH!
Panel Two: The knife doesn’t stab, but it slices Dae just on the shoulder.
Dae: RAAH!
Panel Three: The man pulls out another knife and stalks forward, arms raised and he’s walking sort of like an ape would in a straight line.
Man: Heheheh.
Panel Four: Dae kneels on the ground, knife just behind him, but he’s too busy clutching his shoulder to notice anything else.
Panel Five: The man is right on top of him, ready to stab and Dae has made no move to stop him from doing so.
Man: HAARR!
Panel Four (Seven Panels)
Panel One: Dae’s hand darts behind him to the knife that cut him before.
Panel Two: He pulls his hand back upwards and manages to block the other knife from hitting him, although if he had waited two more seconds he would be dead.
SFX: SHING!
Panel Three: Dae gets to his feet, ignoring the shoulder wound and starts dancing on his tip toes as he readies to either attack or defend.
Panel Four: The man lunges forward, Dae blocks.
SFX: CLANG!
Panel Five: Dae goes for a horizontal slice, which the man narrowly dodges.
SFX: WIFF!
Panel Six: The man brings down a vertical slice, his arm raised high above his head.
Man: HRAAHH!!!
Panel Seven: Seeing the perfect opportunity to end this match quickly, Dae strikes forward and stabs the man directly in the heart.
Dae: SHAH!
SFX: SHUNG!
Panel Five (Six Panels)
Panel One: With nothing else to distract him, Dae starts tearing into the bread, like a starved dog with opposable thumbs. In the background, two short men appear, both bald and wearing tunics. I had something like Smeagol or Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies in my head for these guys. One is in red and the other in green.
Green: Heh, I love it when they take the bait.
Red: Seems we have found our winner.
Panel Two: Stopping his meal for a few seconds, Dae turns to face these two. With some food in his belly, he has become more human, more civilised. We can tell he does not belong in this environment, but there’s nothing he can do about it.
Dae: Can I help you gentlemen?
Green: Why yes, we wanted to congratulate you for winning the little prize we put out.
Dae: You planted the loaf here just to get us all to brawl?
Panel Three: By their casual manner, we can tell that Red and Green do not care much for the lower class people.
Red: We only take the best stock.
Red: We had to make sure only the best got to that crumb your savage kind would call a feast.
Green: Also, to make sure you came with us, we laced it with knock out drugs.
Panel Four: Dae drops the loaf, which is leaking a purple ooze, and starts to look weaker, his eyes closing and his posture slacking. He’s about to fall.
Green: (Off panel) And with your blood loss, it seems to be kicking in quicker.
Panel Five: Dae falls to the ground.
Dae: Ooohh….
Panel Six: From Dae’s point of view, we see Red and Green standing over him. Dae’s eyes are closing, so they’re blurry.
Red: Come on, we need to get him into the cage.
Red: We’ll sell him tomorrow.
I would like to post some of the artwork from it. Can someone please tell me how? Remember any and all feedback is appreciated. Thank you for your time.