joe27
10-16-2008, 12:31 AM
i've just been reading some incredibly depressing articles about meth. i find it horrifying and tempting at the same time.
part of it is curiosity about sex while high on meth, which is apparently amazing. there are usually big consequences, but curious is curious.
but an other theme that's present in all these articles is that it kills a certain kind of inadequacy.
like i'll envy these stud type guys who seem to fuck anything that moves. it's not even the sex, because when i'm really promiscuous i find it depressing. i'm not sure how to put this.it's like being jealous of james bond. but not necessarily because he fucks a lot of chicks. but because he's driven to fuck a lot of chicks. i always get connected and want to be close with one person. WHATS WRONG WITH ME why don't i want to fuck around more? i think monogamy is cool when i see that in other guys, but with me i feel it's a flaw.
so i think i can understand some of the reasons people start using meth.
the articles that really make me sad are the people who always had safe sex and avoided HIV through the 80's and 90's, only to start using meth and contracting HIV almost immediately.
yeah, it was their choice to start using, but i still find it tragic.
because of my big love for connor, i've been reading a lot about buddhism lately. the desire leads to suffering stuff is especially interesting.
i want to be a debauched man slut with unlimited amounts of confidence. that's not what i am, so i suffer (relatively speaking, i understand my problems are trivial). or i do the meth, become that guy while high and then suffer afterwards.
so i can ignore the desire to be said man slut, acknowledge it and just accept it's there while not acting on it, and focus on what i can do to help other people.
i've also stopped using my credit cards, and am sleeping better.
i've been meditating and doing yoga. i went out and tried archery.
i'm not sure i'll become a vegetarian, but i will definitely cut back on meat as it makes me feel gross.
i'm bad with sex because i either sleep with ten guys a week, or i get way too attached to somebody and am miserable when they're not around. so i'm going celibate too.
connor has a really hot body, so i'm still going to become an exercise junkie.
wanting a great body (on me...celibate remember?) is a desire, but what the fuck. i can overlook that. exercise addiction kicks the hell out of meth addiction. i'm sure there's some body is a temple nonsense in buddhism anyway.
plus, my amazing body will partially be the result of ignoring other desires. the desire for junk food, the desire to be sedentry, the desire to drink (oh yeah, i'm cutting that out too).
SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE SO FAR for my new hobbies.
1. meditate
2. exercise
3. kindness
4. reading (connor said reading was one of his hobbies an issue of G.A., but he never said whether that meant religious works or literature and stuff....what do you think? sarah beach or anybody else have any insights into the character? his reading habits or otherwise, i'd appreciate it.)
5. archery: have now tried this once and i love it.
6. martial arts
7. praying???: mia mentioned in an issue that connor spent his time on the island "training, meditating, reading, praying"....do buddhists pray? she mentioned prayer and meditation, so i'm assuming they're separate.
8. green jockey shorts: i've always preferred wearing briefs even though they look stupid. but connor's undewear are shown in an issue of GA/BC as jockey shorts. so i went out and bought a few pairs and don't mind them that much at all.
the only problem is there was only one green pair in each package. i would have liked all green, but whatever.
part of it is curiosity about sex while high on meth, which is apparently amazing. there are usually big consequences, but curious is curious.
but an other theme that's present in all these articles is that it kills a certain kind of inadequacy.
like i'll envy these stud type guys who seem to fuck anything that moves. it's not even the sex, because when i'm really promiscuous i find it depressing. i'm not sure how to put this.it's like being jealous of james bond. but not necessarily because he fucks a lot of chicks. but because he's driven to fuck a lot of chicks. i always get connected and want to be close with one person. WHATS WRONG WITH ME why don't i want to fuck around more? i think monogamy is cool when i see that in other guys, but with me i feel it's a flaw.
so i think i can understand some of the reasons people start using meth.
the articles that really make me sad are the people who always had safe sex and avoided HIV through the 80's and 90's, only to start using meth and contracting HIV almost immediately.
yeah, it was their choice to start using, but i still find it tragic.
because of my big love for connor, i've been reading a lot about buddhism lately. the desire leads to suffering stuff is especially interesting.
i want to be a debauched man slut with unlimited amounts of confidence. that's not what i am, so i suffer (relatively speaking, i understand my problems are trivial). or i do the meth, become that guy while high and then suffer afterwards.
so i can ignore the desire to be said man slut, acknowledge it and just accept it's there while not acting on it, and focus on what i can do to help other people.
i've also stopped using my credit cards, and am sleeping better.
i've been meditating and doing yoga. i went out and tried archery.
i'm not sure i'll become a vegetarian, but i will definitely cut back on meat as it makes me feel gross.
i'm bad with sex because i either sleep with ten guys a week, or i get way too attached to somebody and am miserable when they're not around. so i'm going celibate too.
connor has a really hot body, so i'm still going to become an exercise junkie.
wanting a great body (on me...celibate remember?) is a desire, but what the fuck. i can overlook that. exercise addiction kicks the hell out of meth addiction. i'm sure there's some body is a temple nonsense in buddhism anyway.
plus, my amazing body will partially be the result of ignoring other desires. the desire for junk food, the desire to be sedentry, the desire to drink (oh yeah, i'm cutting that out too).
SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE SO FAR for my new hobbies.
1. meditate
2. exercise
3. kindness
4. reading (connor said reading was one of his hobbies an issue of G.A., but he never said whether that meant religious works or literature and stuff....what do you think? sarah beach or anybody else have any insights into the character? his reading habits or otherwise, i'd appreciate it.)
5. archery: have now tried this once and i love it.
6. martial arts
7. praying???: mia mentioned in an issue that connor spent his time on the island "training, meditating, reading, praying"....do buddhists pray? she mentioned prayer and meditation, so i'm assuming they're separate.
8. green jockey shorts: i've always preferred wearing briefs even though they look stupid. but connor's undewear are shown in an issue of GA/BC as jockey shorts. so i went out and bought a few pairs and don't mind them that much at all.
the only problem is there was only one green pair in each package. i would have liked all green, but whatever.