Funniest lyrics.

[jesse_custer]

A sense of humor can help almost any musician. If you read enough opinions on music, you will come across plenty of comments about artists taking things too seriously, not having fun, and bumming everyone out.

So what are some lyrics that always make you laugh a little?

I'll start things off short and simple and silly with Roger Miller, from his song "Dang Me":

Well, roses are red
And violets are purple
Sugar is sweet
And so is maple surple
I was the seventh son out of seven sons
My pappy was a pistol
I'm a son of a gun

[Sanagi]

"Watch out! Touch monkeys!"
-David Byrne

[howyadoin]

So what are some lyrics that always make you laugh a little?Almost anything by Mojo Nixon - "Stuffin' Martha's Muffin", "Where the Hell's My Money", "I Ain't Gonna Piss in No Jar", "Tie My Pecker to My Leg"...

[Jonathan Bogart]

Aren't Randy Newman and Warren Zevon the kings of this particular area? We've established this, surely.

(At least they are pre-hip-hop, anyway. I've guffawed listening to Lil Wayne more than I ever have to anyone playing a guitar or piano who wasn't actually Demetri Martin or Zach Galifiniakis.)

I will carry her across the threshold
I will make dim the light
I will attempt to spend my love within her
But though I try with all my might
She will laugh at my mighty sword
She will laugh at my mighty sword
Why must everybody laugh at my mighty sword?
Lord, help me if you will R.N.

[Ilash]

From I Shall Be Free by Bob Dylan:

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop,
It's President Kennedy callin' me up.
He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?"
I said, "My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot,
Anita Ekberg,
Sophia Loren."
(Put 'em all in the same room with Ernest Borgnine!)

And from Far Away Eyes by the Rolling Stones:

I was driving home early Sunday morning through Bakersfield
Listening to gospel music on the colored radio station
And the preacher said, "You know you always have the
Lord by your side"
And I was so pleased to be informed of this that I ran
Twenty red lights in his honor
Thank you Jesus, thank you lord

[Infra-Man]

One of my favorite funny-but-sad bits in a song is from "The Ice of Boston" by The Dismemberment Plan:

Pop open a third bottle of bubbly
Yeah, and I take that bottle of champagne
Go into the kitchen, stand in front of the kitchen window
And I take all my clothes off, take that bottle of champagne
And I pour it on my head, feel it cascade through my hair
And across my chest, and the phone rings.
And it’s my mother.
And she says “HI HONEY HOW’S BOSTON?”
And I stand there, all alone on New Year’s Eve
Buck naked, drenched in champagne, looking at a bunch of strangers
Uh, looking at them, looking at me, looking at them, and I say:
“Oh, I’m fine Mom—how’s Washington?”

[jesse_custer]

Another one from Bob Dylan, "Peggy Day" from Nashville Skyline:

Peggy Day stole my poor heart away
By golly, what more can I say
Love to spend the night with Peggy Day

Peggy Night makes my future look so bright
Man, that girl is out of sight
Love to spend the day with Peggy Night

-----------------------------------------

The simplicity gets me every time.

[elheffe]

For a funny lyric I always like The Bloodhound Gang's "Life is short and hard like a bodybuilding elf"

[Ottmeister X]

I kind of like some of The Presidents of the United States stuff, like the Kitty song.

"Kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it"

[The Confessor]

I always chuckle to the section of The Smiths' song "The Queen Is Dead" where Morrissey breaks into Buckingham Palace and comes face to face with the Queen...


"So, I broke into the palace
With a sponge and a rusty spanner
She said "Eh, I know you, and you cannot sing"
I said "That's nothing - you should hear me play piano"


Of course, when Morrissey sings it, he phrases the word "piano" as "Pian-nah", which is a colloquial English phrasing of the word. It also rhymes much better with the word spanner. I guess you have to hear it really, but it is amusing.

[Apotheosis]

From I Shall Be Free by Bob Dylan:

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop,
It's President Kennedy callin' me up.
He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?"
I said, "My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot,
Anita Ekberg,
Sophia Loren."
(Put 'em all in the same room with Ernest Borgnine!)

And from Far Away Eyes by the Rolling Stones:

I was driving home early Sunday morning through Bakersfield
Listening to gospel music on the colored radio station
And the preacher said, "You know you always have the
Lord by your side"
And I was so pleased to be informed of this that I ran
Twenty red lights in his honor
Thank you Jesus, thank you lord

I second these two.... make me laugh each time. Dylan used to be one funny son of a gun .... he doesn't write those lighter songs anymore, does he ? I don't remember Modern Times having anything like that.

[Brad Barton]

Zappa?!

He has too much funny shit to mention here, so I dug this (http://www.amiright.com/real/funnyartist/frankzappa.shtml) up.

[jesse_custer]

"Bobby Brown Goes Down" by Zappa is indeed entertaining.

[cosmoboy]

Frank Zappa could have his own thread. For that matter so could Zevon.

So this big old guys comes up to me
And say's hey Skinny white boy
I don't like the way you look at my girlfriend
What an ugly thing to say
I say don't you flatter yourself
You know I don't think that much of your girlfriend

So that big old guy socks me in the nose
I falls on my back and Igets blood on my clothes
He say's Heah skinny white boy
What do you think about that
I says well it doesn't change much
I still don't think much of you girlfriend

That's from the Refreshments.

[Ilash]

I second these two.... make me laugh each time. Dylan used to be one funny son of a gun .... he doesn't write those lighter songs anymore, does he ? I don't remember Modern Times having anything like that.

Not that I could think of, no.

[leonaozaki]

I second these two.... make me laugh each time. Dylan used to be one funny son of a gun .... he doesn't write those lighter songs anymore, does he ? I don't remember Modern Times having anything like that.

What, you don't think this from "Thunder on the Mountain" was funny:

"Gonna raise me an army, some tough sons of bitches/
I'll recruit my army from the orphanages"

rob

[Rob Allen]

Just about everything by Lou and Peter Berryman is funny:

www.louandpeter.com

[nervmeister]

Frank Zappa could have his own thread. For that matter so could Zevon.

So this big old guys comes up to me
And say's hey Skinny white boy
I don't like the way you look at my girlfriend
What an ugly thing to say
I say don't you flatter yourself
You know I don't think that much of your girlfriend

So that big old guy socks me in the nose
I falls on my back and Igets blood on my clothes
He say's Heah skinny white boy
What do you think about that
I says well it doesn't change much
I still don't think much of you girlfriend

That's from the Refreshments..........Frank Zappa hates interracial couples. (runs away)

[Jessica Drew]

Bob Dylan, from "Po' Boy" (from 2001's Time Out of Mind):

Knockin' on the door, I say, "Who is it and where are you from?"
Man says, "Freddy!" I say, "Freddy who?" He says, "Freddy or not here I come."

The Smiths' "Girlfriend in a Coma":

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know - it's serious
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know - it's really serious

There were times when I could
Have "murdered" her
(But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her)

Ice Cube's "It Was a Good Day" (back when Ice Cube was a bit heftier than he is now):

Called up the homies and I'm askin y'all
Which park, are y'all playin basketball?
Get me on the court and I'm trouble
Last week done around and got a triple double


And my absolute favorite funny lyric of all time is from Kid Rock's Cowboy:

Start an escort service, for all the right reasons

[Apotheosis]

What, you don't think this from "Thunder on the Mountain" was funny:

"Gonna raise me an army, some tough sons of bitches/
I'll recruit my army from the orphanages"

rob

:biggrin: Thanks for that .... completely forgot that line from Thunder on the Mountain. Also, the Alicia Keys one now that I think about it.

I think the point that I was trying to make was that he no longer does the out-and-out funny songs like back in the day. What do you think ?

[marklohan]

Well one of the funniest lyrics i heard in this mean time is of song Chin Check by N.W.A from the album Next Friday [Clean] .
Its lyrics are really funny which has been tagged as Funny,Chin Check,Comic at http://www.whoditty.com.

[stealthwise]

Anything by Hellyeah is hilarious (probably unintentionally, but still).

[Mr.EZ]

Dethklok : Birthday Dethday

Many years ago today something grew
inside of your mother...
That thing was you

YOU

YOU YOU YOU YOU

Did she scream did she cry
Only those that are born are the ones that
Get to die

One more year closer to dying
Rotting organs ripping grinding
Biological discordance
Birthday equals self abhorrence

Years keep passing aging always
Mutate into vapid slugs
Doctor gives a new perscription
Bullet in a fucking gun

One more year closer to dying
Plastic surgeons fuel the lying
You forget why you came in here
Your mind rots with every New Year

RSVP PLEASE
For the DETH of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Happy Birthday
You're gonna die

Now you're old and full of hatred
Take a pill to masturbatred
Children point to you and scream
Because they will become that thing

One more year of further suffering
There's no point in fucking bluffing
Open up your DETHDAY present
It's a box of fucking nothing

RSVP PLEASE
For the DETH of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

DIE DIE
DETHDAY
BIRTHDAY
DETHDAY
DIE DIE
DETHDAY
BIRTHDAY
DETHDAY

RSVP PLEASE
For the DETH of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Happy Birthday
You're gonna die

[Adam C]

What, you don't think this from "Thunder on the Mountain" was funny:

"Gonna raise me an army, some tough sons of bitches/
I'll recruit my army from the orphanages"


*Checks Dylan's site*

Holy shit. And all this time I thought it was "the old religions."

[Ontir]

Melanie's "Brand New Key"

"I ride my bike, I rollerskate, don't drive no car
Don't go to fast, but I go pretty far..."

[Warpsters]

"Nobody loves me but my Momma...and she could be jivin' too."

The King of the Blues.....Mr.B.B.King!:cool:

[AbsurdistEmergence]

I always liked Friggin' in the Riggin' by the Sex Pistols.

[Buried Alien]

Frank Zappa - "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow"

Johnny Cash - "A Boy Named Sue"

Buried Alien (The Fastest Post Alive!)

[robinson76]

Nice funny lyrics. Thanks for sharing.

[hawkeye comeback]

a good John Cooper Clarke lyric from I married a monster from out of space.
We walked out - tentacle in hand
you could sense that the earthlings would not understand
they'd go.. nudge nudge ...when we got off the bus
saying it's extra-terrestial - not like us
and it's bad enough with another race
but fuck me... a monster ...from outer space

[Joe Prevost]

Well there's NOFX's my vagina...

I never tought I'd miss my vas deferans
I trade it for a pair of huge kins cans
Now I got to hang with lesbians
Operation paid up front now I show all
My friends my new designer cunt
They think Im kinda weird but that's
Ok with me cause now I kick their ass from the ladies tee there's
Nothing finer than having a vagina

Or maybe BareNaked Ladies? You know, if I had 1'000'000.00$...

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur coat that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you an exotic pet (Like a llama or an emu)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you John Merrick's remains (All them crazy elephant bones)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had $1000000
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I Had $1000000
We'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I Had $1000000
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner.
(But we would eat Kraft Dinner. Of course we would, we'd just eat more.
And buy really expensive ketchup with it.
That's right, all the fanciest Dijon Ketchup. Mmmmmm.)

[jesse_custer]

Quick point:

Silly doesn't necessarily equal funny.

[Joe Prevost]

Quick point:

Silly doesn't necessarily equal funny.

everyone has different taste, man.

What someone views as funny, someone else could see it as morbidly disgusting.

[thehod]

The second verse of National Express by The Divine Comedy always made me smile...

On the national express theres a jolly hostess
Selling crisps and tea
Shell provide you with drinks and theatrical winks
For a sky-high fee
Mini-skirts were in style when she danced down the aisle
Back in 63 (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
But its hard to get by when your arse is the size
Of a small country

[Spike-X]

Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
It's sleepin, it's a beatin'
Can't ya please tear it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?

Oh help me, please mama, I'm sick'ning
It's today that's the day of the plunge
Oh the gal I'm to marry
Is a bow-legged sow
I've been soakin' up drink like a sponge

"Don't ya worry, get dressed," cried my mother
As she plied me with bourbon so sour
Pull your socks up, put your suit on
Comb your long hair down,
For you will be wed in the hour

So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
I'm sleepin, it's a beatin'
Can't ya please take it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?

Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
It's sleepin, it's a beatin'
Can't ya please tear it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?

I was tremblin', as I put on my jacket
It had creases as sharp as a knife
I put the ring in my pocket
But there was a note
And my heart it jumped into my mouth

It read, "Darlin', I'm sorry to hurt you.
But I have no courage to speak to your face.
But I'm down in Virginia with your cousin Lou
There be no wedding today."

So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
You can put back my heart in its hole
Oh mama, I'm cryin'
Tears of relief
And my pulse is now under control

[leonaozaki]

Posting the lyrics will give the joke away, but Zevon's "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" is one of the funniest songs ever written.

Runner-up: Mojo and Skid's "Elvis is Everywhere."

rob

[jdwrocks]

Dunno if it qualifies but these Eve 6 song lyrics get's me smiling:


In the throws of young love Leroy
Didn't think to think and in the blink of an eye
Tied the knot not knowing how to not know
He was the prodigal son this girl had brought him home
He moved out of his step dad's apartment
He moved in with this cute Guatemalan
Things were copasetic 'til she caught him
Things were cool and collected 'til she found him erected with another

Shit went bad he's on the roof again
She flipped, he flipped the bird
And then he went to the roof where his threats ring loud and clear
Gonna jump gonna jump gonna die this year

Got screwed by the horse that he rode in on
Riding high on his whims had only gotten him down
He moved back to his step dad's apartment
Where he put himself back together 'til

She came back he's on the roof again
She flipped, he flipped the bird
And then he went to the roof where his threats ring loud and clear
Gonna jump gonna jump gonna die this year

Your heinous highness broke her hymen hey man try to quit your crying
I know she broke your heart but try to come try to come down

Shit went bad he's on the roof again
She flipped, he flipped the bird
And then he went to the roof where his threats ring loud and clear
Gonna jump gonna jump gonna die this year

[sneggz]

Come on in boy sit on down
And tell me about yourself
So you like my daughter do you now?
Yeah we think she's something else
She's her daddy's girl
Her momma's world
She deserves respect
That’s what she'll get
Ain’t it son?
Hey y'all run along and have some fun
I'll see you when you get back
Bet I’ll be up all night
Still cleanin' this gun

Just because I'd do this to any future daughters suitors for the lulz.

[RolandJP]

I'm talented, yes I'm gifted
never boosted, never shoplifted
I got the cash, but maoney ain't nothin
make a million dollars every record that I cut and--
my name is Special Ed and I'm a super-duper star
ever other month I get a brand new car
Got twenty, that's plenty yet I still want more
kinda fond of honda scooters--got seventy-four
I got the riches--to fulfill my needs
got land in the sand of the West Indies
even got a little island of my very own--
I gotta frog--a dog with a solid gold bone
An accountant to account the amount I spent
gotta treaty with Tahiti cuz I own a percent
got gear out wear--to everyday
boutiques from France to the U.S.A.
and I make all the money from the rhymes I invent
so it really doesn't matter--how much I spent, because, yo
I make fresh rhymes--daily
you burn me--really?
Think, just blink and I made--a million rhymes
just imagine if you blinked-- a million times
damn I'd be paid--
I got it made

[Anthony Z]

Bike by Pink Floyd always makes me smile with it's insane oddness...

I know a mouse
And he hasn't got a house
I don't know why
I call him Gerald
He's getting rather old
But he's a good mouse

I don't know why either, Syd. But thank you.

[KiFF86]

Ryan Adams wrote a song call Chuck Norris, which included the chorus.



Chuck Norris blows a goat until it cums all over him.

http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#Chuck%20Norris 8 songs down.