Closet Doors Expolde at Family Reunion, Film at 11.

[Dazzler]

My family, outside of my immediate mom, dad, and sister, are fundamentalist whacknuts. I'm actually a little afraid of them. My cousin greg, when I was eight, strangled me into unconsciousness. For changing the channel.
Now he's a truck driver and brags at christmas about how he picks up gay dudes, beats them up, and leaves them on the side of the road. And people laugh.
This is the same family where, when my grandfather died last year, a fist fight broke out OVER HIS OPEN GRAVE. Then my uncle ran over my cousin with bone cancer and tried to kill her five minutes later.
This is the type of person I'm dealing with here.

ANYWAY,
This Christmas, I reluctantly went to family X christmas reunion. I hate it, because I generally feel like a Martian in Crazyville, but whatever, they can cook. So I went for the food.

Now, my homofaggiality is NOT a very closely kept secret, but somehow, despite being a full-fleged adult male without defects living in san francisco and never having had a girlfriend, outside my immediate family, nobody seems to know.
Well, at my family reuinion, my grandmother, clearly insane, starts bugging me about my girlfriend. I told her she's non-existant. All of a sudden, in the LOUDEST VOICE POSSIBLE, my grandmother announces to the room, "CHASE, YOU DON'T LIKE GIRLS, DO YOU?!" Imagine that needle coming off the record noise, and that was what it was like, freezing the reunion in place.
All i could do was shake my head no. And my grandmother burst out cackling like crazy.
Everyone in my family witnessed this humilation, and despite all the evil looks and cold shoulders (I just know they're plotting something...), I feel absolutely great!

Strange how that works, innit?

--Dazz

[Monty_Cristo]

sucks to be you. good luck! :)
one of my cousins was outed last year and hasn't been mentioned, since. they basically act like he doesn't exist. it's quite disheartening.

[cedardryad]

Man what an awkward and dangerous situation. I hope nothing bad happens to you. Quite frankly I rather not exist to a bunch of fundamentalist family members and the one homicidal one.

[Dazzler]

Well, obviously I escaped unscathed, and I'm 3000 miles away usually, so I'm not worried.
At any rate, if they DID happen to treat me like I didn't exist, I would consider that a great big ole blessing in disguise. ;)

--Dazz

[Dazzler]

I just realized that I typed "EXPOLDE" in the thread title.

So I'm gay....


AND ILLITERATE.

Fantastic news.

--Dazz

[hellokittykat]

Everyone in my family witnessed this humilation, and despite all the evil looks and cold shoulders (I just know they're plotting something...), I feel absolutely great!

Strange how that works, innit?

--Dazz

Well I'm glad that you got to get that out Dazz!:) I'm just sorry that it happened in such a rude fashion.:(

[Dazzler]

Well I'm glad that you got to get that out Dazz!:) I'm just sorry that it happened in such a rude fashion.:(

I was a little weirded out, sure, at the time. However, when I think about it now, I like how my Granny didn't seem to give a shit in the slightest. it kinda made me dig her a little more than usual.
It was everyone else who went all weird.
And in the car on the way home, my parents, my sister, and I were laughing our asses off.
In the end, it was kinda fun to shock my relatives. It's not like they ever liked me anyway. ;)

--Dazz

[Michael P]

I just realized that I typed "EXPOLDE" in the thread title.

So I'm gay....


AND ILLITERATE.

Fantastic news.

--DazzHey, in your family, the one will probably make up for the other.

[Dazzler]

Hey, in your family, the one will probably make up for the other.
Now that I think about it, you're absolutely right...
Now all I have to do is have a couple of kids that I never take care of, lose some teeth, and get a tattoo of a naked lady holding a Bible, and I think I'm back on a few Christmas card lists.

---Dazz

[Bo Bo]

Your family reunion sounds like it came out of some weird sitcom. At least your immediate family sounds sane.

[Dazzler]

Your family reunion sounds like it came out of some weird sitcom. At least your immediate family sounds sane.
Seriously, it's to a word the truth. But trust me, weird sitcom isn't even the half of it. Living with and around these people for almost 30 years is a bizarre experience, that up until a few years ago, I thought was completely normal.
If anyone ever wonders why I'm more than a little half-cracked, I point firmly to my family.

However, yeah, my immediate family are all awesome black sheep too. We're like mutants in this family.

--Dazz

[CutterMike]

When I read your account, my first thought was "Granny knows and doesn't give a rat's!" I had a grandmother like that. When she retired, this five foot-nothing white-haired little old lady moved to Florida and got a job tending bar at a fishing pier. (usually, I just tell people that she tended a waterfront bar, and let them draw their own conclusions...!)

...and if you REALLY want to have some giggles, imagine the rest of the family, after you left, frantically sterilizing everything that you touched while you were there, lest they "catch" your gayitude! ...Now we gotta BURN TH' SOFA...! Did he pet the dog...? Oh, Lordy - he kissed Aunty Flora on the cheek - WHERE"S THE LYSOL?)

Seriously, congratulations on not hiding. Clearly, you're tougher than any of them!

[ninjapeps]

We're like mutants in this family.

Any of you shoot lasers from your eyes? 'Cause that'd be awesome.

On a serious note, that really is just fucked up. I'm thankful that I haven't met any people like that.

[Brian Cronin]

I just realized that I typed "EXPOLDE" in the thread title.

So I'm gay....


AND ILLITERATE.

Fantastic news.

--Dazz

Well, I fixed the latter. ;)

-Brian

[Kevin Vetter]

I think what's strange is that eating is apparently such an amazing experience for you that you went and hung out with people that you clearly don't like being around just to get some food.

[Solaris]

I was a little weirded out, sure, at the time. However, when I think about it now, I like how my Granny didn't seem to give a shit in the slightest. it kinda made me dig her a little more than usual.
It was everyone else who went all weird.
And in the car on the way home, my parents, my sister, and I were laughing our asses off.
In the end, it was kinda fun to shock my relatives. It's not like they ever liked me anyway. ;)

--Dazz

See, now you can pay 'em back: if they bug you, just ask them if they want you to go "Banjo on their ass" and watch 'em flinch. :evilsmile


PS---Are you sure your family isn't related to some of Jim MacQuarrie's relatives???:eek:

[Spike-X]

Now he's a truck driver and brags at christmas about how he picks up gay dudes, beats them up after having brutal, angry sex with them, and leaves them on the side of the road.

Fixed it for ya!

[Cam63]

Dazz... Avoid those arseholewankerbastardpricks who don't deserve to be related to you like the clap.

...and if you ever do run into any of 'em in the future, may it be with a harvester you happen to be driving at the time.

[Alan Lynch]

I just realized that I typed "EXPOLDE" in the thread title.

So I'm gay....


AND ILLITERATE.

Fantastic news.

--Dazz
You mean they don't go hand in hand? Shut my mouth.

I kid though. I'm glad you got through the holidays unscathed - your family does sound like a lot of work. To put it extremely lightly.

[Deathstroke]

With family like that, who needs enemies.

[vbartilucci]

So I'm gay....
AND ILLITERATE.

Well, your family will be pleased to know you did inherit something from them...

[Shisho]

You should write a book. No, I'm serious. They say truth is stranger than fiction. If you're family is that nutcakes and weird you out that much, the least you can do is exploit them and make some money off of it. ;)

P.S. Sorry it was so weird, but I'm glad you feel better now.

[LewisH]

a get together with people you CLEARLY don't like? Who's the crazy one again? I personally avoid meetings where I know I wouldn't be welcome such as Nazi rallys and KKK get togethers. Sounds a bit masochistic to me. Oh well you survived it and presumably won't ever be going back again.

[Dazzler]

When I read your account, my first thought was "Granny knows and doesn't give a rat's!" I had a grandmother like that. When she retired, this five foot-nothing white-haired little old lady moved to Florida and got a job tending bar at a fishing pier. (usually, I just tell people that she tended a waterfront bar, and let them draw their own conclusions...!)

Oh my God. I think I love your grandma already. She sounds like a frickin' hoot!

...and if you REALLY want to have some giggles, imagine the rest of the family, after you left, frantically sterilizing everything that you touched while you were there, lest they "catch" your gayitude! ...Now we gotta BURN TH' SOFA...! Did he pet the dog...? Oh, Lordy - he kissed Aunty Flora on the cheek - WHERE"S THE LYSOL?)
You know, honestly, I wouldn't put it past 'em in the slightest. At least two of my aunts are freakish neat-mongers who also happen to abhor the 'mo's (Who both happen to have children firmly entrenched in the closet and are NEVER coming out). I'm sure they were having nervous breakdowns inside just chomping at the bit waiting for me to leave so they could disinfect.

Seriously, congratulations on not hiding. Clearly, you're tougher than any of them!
Not my decision, my grandma made the executive decision. She even related a story to me about finding my grandpa in a bathtub with another guy at the coal mines and throwing a firecracker in the window to startle them. And before anyone thinks it: in the old days in the backwoods in the coal mines, it was a common practice to share a bathtub.

--Dazz

[CutterMike]

Oh my God. I think I love your grandma already. She sounds like a frickin' hoot!


That she was...! The first time she met my then-brother-in-law (or possibly, soon-to-be...) she offered him a beer, sat him down, and had a nice long talk with him.

And proceeded to drink him under the table.

This was after she got tired of Florida because there were too many old people there, and moved up to Vermont.

While she was living in VT, she had the first of several heart attacks. The afternoon that they took her in, her doctor came in and explained that she was probably going to be in for a while and, if there was anything that she wanted her family to bring in when they came to visit, to just let anyone know.

Gram, supposedly, said, "Well, there is... Naaahhh...!"

The doctor said "No. You tell me what you want and I will PERSONALLY call your daughter and tell her!"

Gram: "Welll... I would DEARLY love a beer!

Doctor: "Errrmmm... Carbohydrates... Electrolytes... Mild sedative... Why not!" (Writes on chart: "Patient to have one beer in the evening.")

Gram was a pistol.


Not my decision, my grandma made the executive decision. She even related a story to me about finding my grandpa in a bathtub with another guy at the coal mines and throwing a firecracker in the window to startle them. And before anyone thinks it: in the old days in the backwoods in the coal mines, it was a common practice to share a bathtub.

--Dazz

Sounds like yours and mine would have gotten along pretty well!

[Solaris]

Holy crap. Cutter, THAT's the woman I want to be when I'm in my 90's!

And that doc was cool. :D

[Sabrinaset]

Holy crap. Cutter, THAT's the woman I want to be when I'm in my 90's!

That's like seventy years from now! :eek:

[Solaris]

That's like seventy years from now! :eek:

I thought doctors could add... :D

90-45=45. Nope, not *that* far away... though far enough for now, thankfully. ;)

[Sabrinaset]

I thought doctors could add... :D

90-45=45. Nope, not *that* far away... though far enough for now, thankfully. ;)

You're SUPPOSED to say, why, yes, I AM in my twenties, and everyone ALWAYS thinks I look that young! ... but since you won't play that game, I'll just haveta talk about how old you are instead! *sigh*

[CutterMike]

Holy crap. Cutter, THAT's the woman I want to be when I'm in my 90's!

And that doc was cool. :D

Yeah, I've got a lot to live up to.

My family has always been... colorful.