Round 4: Charles Paul Wilson III (Only judges can post here!)

[CPWilsonIII]

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[Francis Manapul]

Page 1

the first three panel sequence works pretty well. I think it would have been better if we had a close up in the first panel and we slowly zoomed out leading to the wide shot showing off his location in panel 4.

Panel 4 looks great I dig the idea of the kid running along a futuristic bridge. Nice use of silhouetted foreground as well to frame the panel I dig that. However since you have the spotted blacks under the bridge as well it bleeds into the foreground elements, taking away from the framing effect you were going for.

Panel 5 is by far one of my favourite shots on this page. I love the feet in the foreground (you've done a great job with creating depth with your foreground and background elements) and I really dig the expression on his face and ther others running around him. My only gripe is that this panel should have been bigger. Perhaps a panel that ran across the page similar to panel 4, this is quite a dramatic moment and should have had more air time.

The last panel works and it doesn't. I think its pretty redundant considering we already saw his expression in the previous panel. I think for this panel to work it should have been smaller perhaps a small thin panel, with a close up of his face to create tension.

Page 2.

Nice city shot, digging your buildings. However at first glance I thought the main robot was blowing up another robot. Also I noticed that there are 2 more robots in silhouette, you have to be careful with that because they can easily be confused as other buildings. I think this panel could have been more dramatic if the robot was blowing up something that was closer to the reader. That would create more tension and pull the reader in. With the robot blowing up something to the side, it displaces me as a reader.

Panel 2 is pretty useless because of the last panel of page 1. Either one works, but one of them would have to be cut to make the panel relevant and not redundant.

Panel 3 cool shot! The energy beam really pulls me in towards him. I like your use of blacks because it creates a nice sense of separation but sometimes (and in this case) it can create confusion and clutter. Because pretty much all the buildings are in silhouette you lose the kid on the right. It actually took me a while to realize that the kid was even there. Perhaps it would have worked better if the buildings on the left were drawn in "open" silhoutte to create the desired separation.

Panel 4 Looks great, really dramatic.

Page 3.

Panel 1 looks fine.

Panel 2. feels kinda awkward. I think its because of the way he tripped in the first panel he should have been falling forward rather than sideways.

Panel 3. works for me.

Panel 4. Doesn't really work for me. While thats a cool shot of the robot, it's hard to place it in relation to the previous panels sequence. Is he right by the kid, or is this a shot from further away? You have to establish and anchor, and I think that could have been fixed, if the rubble on the left was the same bridge you see in panel 2.

Panel 5. While I dig the shot it took away from the "suprise" element. By having the kid reach out its like he knew she was there. I think it would work better if you switched this panel with panel 6. I would have moved panel 6 here but not have saturn girl reach for his hand just have her feet there, and a nice reaction shot of the kid. Then with panel 5 as the new panel 6 you can do the dramatic hand reach.

Panel 6. see above.

Panel 7 Looks ok to me. She's nicely draw but lack "oomph" perhaps changing it into a bit of an up shot to make it more dynamic and give saturl girls entrance a bit of flavour.

Panel 8. Nice shot, but it would have been cool to maybe have the kids face react more dramatically. Perhaps with his eyes opened wide, and his jaw dropping. This is the Legion, and his expression should have been more in awe rather than a smile of relief.


Page 4.

You know I really dig your use of foreground and background elements, I think your sense of depth is really strong. However this shot just doesn't do it for me. I thought you did a great job with the pacing of the previous panels and this is suppose to be the pay off, but it falls short of the exclamation mark at the end of your sentence. I feel it lacks what I was asking for which was the Legion in an action ready pose. Keep in mind there is a robot attacking the city, however the way they are standing there, its like they are posing for a group photo. There's a few anatomical issues here and there as well such as Collosal Boys short legs, Braniacs bulging knees and Super Girls man hands (this is more a matter of preference). Also quite a few of them are in the exact same pose ( Lightning Lad, Braniac, Phantom Girl, Chameleon Boy and Light Lass). Also Star Boy seems very out of place in the way he is flying and what he's looking at. I think it would have been more dramatic if they were looking at one thing, (the robot somewhere on the right off panel) to create more unity in the image, and to give the readers a sense of the impending battle that is about to happen.



I think you're stuff is very strong, and you're a great storyteller. The panels flow quite nicely, but they still lack that bit of "oomph". I think with a few adjustments to some of your shots, and poses, a more dynamic and dramatic sequence can be achieved. I think those changes can elevate you to the next level. Good job overall.



fjm

[Marc Silvestri]

Charles-

Congrats on final four! This is in my view the toughest assignment yet. Not only are you working from a loose plot but Francis Manapul is also judging you, and he happens to be a great natural storyteller. He’s also a really nice guy so the dirty work is probably going to be left to me – thanks Francis.

In the first panel on page one I would have held back on revealing any background. The reason for this is two fold. One is that it’s distracting from what’s important (the boy chasing the bouncing ball) and two, look how much more dramatic the reveal of a different (alien) world is if we hold it till panel four. The reveal should be; One, kid (could be human) is chasing ball. Two, kid (still could be human) is catching ball. Three, WTF! This kid is NOT human! And four, BAM! Alien kid in an alien world!

Good (almost) use of black foreground element in panel four. The thing I would have done differently here is I would have planted the camera on the ground and added more running people to the same, silhouetted foreground. Also, the black under the walkway hurts any sense of depth by combining foreground and mid-ground elements. This seems to be a recurring problem that’s easily fixed so be mindful of it.

Panel five works perfectly as a storytelling panel. Good separation of planes here too. My only issue is that the boy, even though alien, looks too OLD. In fact this is an issue throughout ALL the pages. Panel six would be more effective pulled into a tighter close-up.


Panel one on page two has a few problems that again seem to be recurring but fixable. First problem is our POV. In the script (and the last panel on page one as you drew it) the alien by is looking UP. Yet here the POV is clearly from high above the action as if the boy/reader is seeing the unfolding drama from the tallest building in the city. He should be at near ground level with the giant robots (and taller buildings) looming above.

The next issue is the over-even placement of blacks. All of your planes in this panel have the same amount of spotted black, which flattens any sense of depth. I’ve said this throughout the competition; we’re in a 2D medium and we need to create the illusion of 3D! Black moves an object forward in a composition! The perspective is accurate but unfortunately leads the reader off to the right and AWAY from the central action. The inset of the boy seems random and unimportant. If you want to make the statement that he’s shocked by what he sees you’ll have to make the shot stand out more or delete it altogether.

Panel three is cool but again suffers from flatness due to all the planes being spotted with the same amount of black. This also makes your main element (the robot) “disappear” in the composition. Those buildings in the background should be line work only. The robot is sweet though.

The last panel is your biggest mistake on the page however in that we have no idea it’s the boy who’s almost been zapped. Pull him way into the foreground so we can see the direct threat is to him and not some random character.

Page three has some solid drawing but the storytelling suffers. Again, because we don’t know it’s the boy in the last panel on the previous page we don’t really get the sense it’s him in panels one and two. The action is well drawn and well paced we just don’t know who it is! The action the way you have it would actually work better without the first panel! Panel four almost works. Having actual buildings (as opposed to random rubble) in the foreground would have knocked it out of the park.

Not sure why you switched the panel order from the script for panels five and six. Francis had it right. Saturn Girl looks way too casual here considering what’s going on around them. Not getting the feeling of wide-eyed wonder at all from the boy in the last panel. Show then both but we should be focused on HIS face.

I think you misread Francis’ intention on the last page. The Legion members should be looking at the threat and ready to deal a smack down but the boy should be looking at the HEROES in absolute awe. He’s not part of the team so he wouldn’t be looking at the threat he should be looking at his salvation (The Legion). As for the composition itself, remember rubble is your friend! Use it to create a natural slope like theater seating at the movies. This will help when you’ve got a lot of characters to show and you don’t want to lose any of them in the crowd. The chunk of rubble hiding the first guy’s legs seems more of a cheat and messes with the perspective. Showing him in full figure would have been much more dramatic and would lead the eye into the background easier.

I know this was a harsh critique but we are getting near the end. Charles, you can draw and I want to see you in the next round. Make it happen!

-M

[Vince Hernandez]

Charles, it's evident you have the talent to be a pro comic book artist. This is another shining example. Here go the critiques:

PAGE ONE:

Panels 1-3 - As I've said with (I think) all the contestants, I think the opening sequence would've been better served to start tight and end with the reveal of our alien protagonist. You sorta did this but I think you added one too many panels (panel 3).

Panel 4 - I dig this shot as it opens us up to our futuristic world and offers a cool shot. Nice framing with the blacks. You lose depth with the same effect though under the bridge. Also, you could probably add a few more scared and running people to add to the tension.

Panel 5 - Well done.

Panel 6 - I like this expression. Nice work.

PAGE TWO:

Panel 1 - Wow. First off, your robot kicks ass. THIS is what I want an evil, giant, invading robot to look like! That said, I think the angle you chose brings us a bit out of the perspective of the Alien boy which doesn't work as well. Your background robots suffer from looking too similar to your background buildings--watch out for this. Lose the inset panel. We've already seen this.

Panels 4 and 5 - You're losing me a bit here as I'm having a hard time figuring out where the alien kid is and what the robot is attacking. This is where the POV of the alien kid plays big in serving to establish the action and where it's taking place. Nice robot tech though, in my opinion, your the best in that department.

PAGE THREE:

Panels 1 and 2 - This page was the most confusing for me. The first two panels still carry over the confusion you have in the last panels of the previous page. Establish the location of the alien boy better to make this sequence work. He's falling off the bridge I think?

Panel 3 - I like this panel.

Panel 4 - I think this panel is useless and redundant. We already know about the robot threat.

Panels 5 and 6 - could be combined I think to better pace this scene.

Panel 7 - For the opening shot of Saturn Girl this shot is lacking in the wow factor. her facial appearance is too easygoing for the events around her. I'd give her a more heroic pose here.

Panel 8 - The same goes for this shot. Add some intensity to this panel!

PAGE FOUR:
This splash works well for me but you should follow the script closer and leave the alien boy more in awe of the Legion.

Like I said, Charles you're going to be working in comics very soon so keep at it and try some of these tips if you can! Awesome entry.