Round 2: Jose Holder

[joh james]

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Page 1
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Page 2
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Page 3
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[Ryall_IDW]

Page One
Things get off to a nice start with the first three panels—panel one is a nicely dynamic way to kick things off, and the next two panels work well, too. The inset panel of C.B. doesn’t necessarily communicate what he was after in the script, but it works, mostly, other than the fact that his neck and collar extend a bit strangely into panel five. And panel five never delivers the needed establishing shot of C.B. That panel is the one that concerns me most here, since the narrative needs that initial shot before getting deeper into the story. In panels six and seven, C.B.’s expressions go from a bit of a google-eyed drooler to a leering perv, but let’s be honest—I was in high school once—that’s likely more like the reality, I’m sure…

Page Two
I’m impressed by your linework, and, like last week, keep having Walter Simonson flashes. I like the way the panels are arranged here, and even the size of the images getting smaller and smaller somehow adds to the wistful nature of the story.

Page Three
Panel one could’ve used a bit more sky to show the star-gazing, and panel two, I feel like it’s the point right before impact with the tree, not right after. With panels five and six, you reversed the order as they were written, and I do still think it’s stronger to end on the close-up of the two hands holding onto one another instead of the long shot, but I can see why you did it, anyway—it still works, just maybe not quite as effectively. Overall, though, this is two weeks in a row you’ve impressed me. I’d like to see some of the lines tightened up a bit (panels three through six on this page) but I do want to see what you do next.

[jameslucasoni]

Jose, again, you really impress with your creative and engaging panel layouts and your willingness to take risks with camera placement and framing. I love how the first page is presented and my only real beef is with the illustration of the narrator in panel 4. As I've mentioned in some of the other critiques, this story lives or dies by the charisma displayed by the main character and I think in this panel in particular it just falls a little short. But if that's my biggest issue with the page, then you're in pretty good shape and that's exactly the case here...

Page 2 has a layout crafted with the same deft skill you've displayed throughout this competition. I think your choices in terms of framing and blocking are all spot on and your figures are consistent and posed in very natural, pleasing ways. I love what you did in the third panel and I think sequence that closes out the page does exactly what it has to do.

Page 3 is just as strong in terms of design and I really like the way you framed the crash in panel 2, I just wish it was clearer that the car had indeed crashed. The ordering of some of the panels on this page seems off as well and I'm not sure why panels 4 and 5 were flopped. I think it's more effective with them as they were specified in the script.

Overall, an incredibly strong outing, Jose, that puts you towards the front of the class in this competition.

[C.B. Cebulski]

I'll admit right off the bat to your pages being some of my favorites, Jose. Definite top three. You made artistic choices that I completely dug in places. However, while the panels were all mostly solid, there was always a slight misstep that detracted from the page as a whole.

On page one, you had the most interesting take on panel one, going for the birds-eye view down the the pyramid. A interesting choice and a bold move to open the story. Nice inclusion of the little football player. I dug the "fuck you" attitude of the stoner chicks in panel three even though they came off a more metal. And the U2 shirt in the background was another nice touch that showed definite thought. But then, your choice to establish the scene of a high school hallway at foot level, with gum stuck to a shoe no less, really did not work for me. It instantly drew me out of the story. Also, my look in the last page is almost devlish when it should be more caring given the narration.

Then moving in to page two, you chose an angle that focuses on the girl's back, which I don't think quite works as I feel you really need to see the girl's face to establish the scene and build emotion between the readers and the characters. But then I love what you did from there. Loved how you had the field hockey player in practice gear and had us kind of reach for each other. Very nice. And while I am usually not a fan of broken panel borders and bleeding art, I LOVE what you did with the girl and her hair in panel three. You nailed that panel better than anyone and this was my second favorite panel of the whole competition. Same with the next panel where you capture the uneasiness I was looking for. Also including a nice little shout out to my Marvel side in panel five I see. :p

On page three, again, while I would not suggest overusing the technique, having the tree build up the page across a few panels here worked for me. However, I would have included a border between panels three and four for better separation. Also, and this may just be personal, but the umbrella there distracts from the spontaneity of the hug in that panel. And I'm interested in why you chose to switch the last two panels. I wrote them one way and you swapped them, which strikes me as an odd storytelling choice.

But your chops are clear, Jose, both in style and storytelling. I'm going to be interested in following your work as you go. Nice job!

Take care,
C.B.

[Vince Hernandez]

Another week, another solid entry, Jose.

PAGE ONE:
Panel 1: It seems like the innovative opening shot is your forte and I like what you did in this panel (although doesn't the cheerleader pyramid typically go 3-2-1 from bottom-to-top--just my observation, I could definitely be wrong).

Panel 2: I like this panel. Watch out for your inanimate objects like the flowers and the background lights--don't sell these elements short!

Panel 3:This panel works nicely. I dig the expressions on the stoner chicks' faces and the overall feel of the panel description shines through here. I'd lose the nebulous football hovering around our focus point though.

Panel 4: The work in this panel is all fine and well but I have a major issue of the placement of this in addition to the giant stoner chick boot right near his head. CB looks out of place and moved to fit the boot instead of the other way around. I know CB asked for the inset and the positioning of this panel but you shouldn't in any way distract us from our first appearance of CB.

Panel 5: Honestly, I'm not a big fan of just feet panels, this was supposed to be our full body intro shot and while overall the storytelling doesn't change, I don't think it helped serve the script better.

Panel 6:Nice anatomy but I'm not feeling CB's facial expression here. He looks a bit goofy plus I can't tell what's up with his chin. Also, the sheen you applied to her hair needs work and would be exposed in the inking stage. Plus you have a ton of dead space to the left of this panel.

Panel 7: I like the rendering on CB's face in this panel but again would check the facial expression. Here he looks too sinister not lovestruck as the script action seemed to imply.

PAGE TWO:
Panel 1: I really like this panel.

Panel 2: I like this panel as well but think you should've followed CB's direction more. It looks less like they're walking and more like the last panel on page 1 where they're just staring into each other's eyes.

Panel 3: This is an interesting way to approach this panel and I like. Again, watch out though for the creepy CB facial expression again!

Panel 4: This panel is okay but I'm not sold on their expressions again. Here CB doesn't really look nervous but rather the opposite. In a story like this, facial expressions are paramount and have to be direct and lucid.

Panel 5: Not liking the girl in this panel. She looks rushed and unfinished.

Panel 6:Nice here. You followed the script and got the point across. The upper right portion of your portion is rendered poorly.

PAGE THREE:

Panel 1: Great panel, my favorite of the bunch.

Panel 2: You followed the script, but the script action isn't clear here. It doesn't look like a car crash as much as they parked behind a tree.

Panel 3: Great job here.Love the emotion on her face.

Panel 4: Nice composition here.

Panel 5: I like that you flipped the two panels here as it reads well.