Let me be honest for a minute.

[Cam63]

Good on ya, Matt.

[Gordon Smith]

I think my gaydar sense is on the fritiz. This is about the last poster I would have suspected of being gay 'round these parts. Good show, Matt.

[mattx110]

Thanks for asking.

I haven't yet. CBR was the easy one; the rest are a bit tougher. I wish I could just get my whole life in one room and do this once. As it is, there are at least four parts.

Going to try for Tuesday night with the Christian group I act and sing with (there's another little nugget!). Not worried about most of them, but two might have a more ... jarring reaction. And that reaction could (probably won't, but could) spell the end of the group. Hope not, because these five people have seen me through some tough stuff.

I need to make an appointment to talk to my pastor, again hopefully this week. That's a little bit of a logistics problem because the church is 35 minutes away from work. Other than that, I'm optimistic about that one, which is saying a lot coming from me.

Friday night for Mom and Dad. That'll be the toughie. Not only because, you know, their son's gay, but because they're right in the middle of dealing with Grandma's estate with a big auction Saturday. Terrible timing, but the timing will never be right. I need to strike now before we head into holiday season. I refuse to be the one who ruined Thanksgiving.

Telling my siblings will happen next time I see them. They all 'know', it's just a matter of getting it out there.

umm, instead of ruining thanksgiving, you can make halloween completely fabulous.
pink and gold boa and pearls really says it all by itself.

[Nick Soapdish]

Thanks for asking.

I haven't yet. CBR was the easy one; the rest are a bit tougher. I wish I could just get my whole life in one room and do this once. As it is, there are at least four parts.

Going to try for Tuesday night with the Christian group I act and sing with (there's another little nugget!). Not worried about most of them, but two might have a more ... jarring reaction. And that reaction could (probably won't, but could) spell the end of the group. Hope not, because these five people have seen me through some tough stuff.

I need to make an appointment to talk to my pastor, again hopefully this week. That's a little bit of a logistics problem because the church is 35 minutes away from work. Other than that, I'm optimistic about that one, which is saying a lot coming from me.

Friday night for Mom and Dad. That'll be the toughie. Not only because, you know, their son's gay, but because they're right in the middle of dealing with Grandma's estate with a big auction Saturday. Terrible timing, but the timing will never be right. I need to strike now before we head into holiday season. I refuse to be the one who ruined Thanksgiving.

Telling my siblings will happen next time I see them. They all 'know', it's just a matter of getting it out there.

I'm weighing in really late on this whole thing because I don't really know you that well.

It doesn't make any difference to me anyway, but I'm glad that you've told us and I hope that this going fairly well makes telling everyone else a bit easier to deal with for you.

Best of luck with everything. I think you're right to be optimistic with your pastor and acting and singing group. But c'mon, are you really going to pass the buck so that somebody else has to ruin Thanksgiving? ;)

[JeffreyWKramer]

I didn't see this thread until now.

Congrats on your coming out, Matt. Here's hoping all goes well with you.

[beetlebum]

Congratulations Matt! In order to be reconciled and truly happy, you must be allow yourself to be who you truly are. You have to be really brave to take this step. You are worthy of a panegyric. Speaking as a Catholic who has no problem admitting that I wish I would get locked in an on call room with Katherine Heigl, I know this will not be easy. May your faith in God carry you through.

Blessings!http://www.mommiesnbabies.com/forums/images/smilies/23_5_118.gif

[Matthew E]

Thanks for asking.

I haven't yet. CBR was the easy one; the rest are a bit tougher. I wish I could just get my whole life in one room and do this once. As it is, there are at least four parts.

Going to try for Tuesday night with the Christian group I act and sing with (there's another little nugget!). Not worried about most of them, but two might have a more ... jarring reaction. And that reaction could (probably won't, but could) spell the end of the group. Hope not, because these five people have seen me through some tough stuff.

I need to make an appointment to talk to my pastor, again hopefully this week. That's a little bit of a logistics problem because the church is 35 minutes away from work. Other than that, I'm optimistic about that one, which is saying a lot coming from me.

Friday night for Mom and Dad. That'll be the toughie. Not only because, you know, their son's gay, but because they're right in the middle of dealing with Grandma's estate with a big auction Saturday. Terrible timing, but the timing will never be right. I need to strike now before we head into holiday season. I refuse to be the one who ruined Thanksgiving.

Telling my siblings will happen next time I see them. They all 'know', it's just a matter of getting it out there.

A couple of things about when my brother came out that might help you:

- he told me and my sister before he told our parents. (And we were cool with it, if not exactly surprised.) Then this is how he told our parents: he wrote up what he wanted to say in a letter, handed it to them with me and my sister there, and went out for coffee for about an hour while the four of us talked. This may sound like a chicken thing to do, but it was actually very wise: it allowed my parents to react badly at the start, but since he wasn't there to have his feelings hurt, they wouldn't have to keep feeling bad about how they first reacted. Not that they really did react badly; it took them a while to absorb the notion but everything was fine pretty quickly thereafter.

- I actually get along with him a lot better now that he's come out. I couldn't tell you exactly why that is, although I could spin several possible explanations, but don't be surprised if some of your relationships with friends and/or family actually improve.

Good luck.

[Matt Algren]

Update time!

Told one sister last night. The whole thing was surreal, almost like I was watching me do it. It's the first time I've said it out loud to someone. As I left, I just kept thinking 'I can't believe I just did that.' It went very well, and while she didn't 'know', she did finally say that she wasn't surprised, which I guess is what I meant in the first place. She'll be there Friday when I tell my parents, so I didn't want her to be blindsided when the fireworks start.

In an hour, I'll be sitting in my pastor's office talking about it. Then I go to rehearsal where I tell my friends. To say I'm stressed out would be an understatement. I'm stupidly optimistic, though. Sister called a while ago to wish me luck.

It's weird. I'm terrified, absolutely terrified. But at the same time I'm excited because it won't be my BIG SECRET anymore, it'll just be part of me that people deal with (or not).

Thanks again to everybody who has or hasn't responded. Your support means a lot. (Jack, the parents don't know anybody at the church, so that wasn't a concern. Otherwise, yeah, they would have been first.)


edit: 10/19/07 I don't want to bump the thread unnecessarily, so I'm going to edit updates into this post unless someone else bumps it.

I talked to the preacher man and my friends on Tuesday, and I'm apparently really, really, really good at picking preachers and friends. Completely accepting, offering support, the whole nine yards. My preacher warned me to be ready for ugly words when news starts getting out, and I warned him that he'll hear it before I will. We had a good talk.

My friends basically said "No kidding. What took you so long?" Tears were flowing, and not from me. It was a good day. I spent all day rehearsing defenses and I didn't even need one.

Tonight is the final blow. Mom and Dad. Hopefully I'm wrong again, but I think this one will have some fireworks.

[Agent Helix]

Christ, Matt, calm down. It's not like you're admitting to liking Liefeld or something crazy like that.

Best of luck, I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

[Spike-X]

If any of your friends, or anybody else, have a problem with this, it's their problem, not yours.

[parrish]

Good luck!

I am sure you will feel a lot better after the fact.

[K'Nort]

I didn't realize that this was a secret.

I thought you just didn't talk about it.

That was basically my reaction as well. Especially with you being fairly low-key in general.

May most (with luck, even all) of the reactions you get be as mellow.

[HomerJay]

I wish I would get locked in an on call room with Katherine Heigl, I know this will not be easy.

What a coinicidence. I would also like getting locked in a room with you & Katherine Heigl.

[Michael P]

What a coinicidence. I would also like getting locked in a room with you & Katherine Heigl.

And your wife, of course.

[HomerJay]

And your wife, of course.
Oooh, now you're getting kinky.

[Matt Algren]

Update time!

Told one sister last night. The whole thing was surreal, almost like I was watching me do it. It's the first time I've said it out loud to someone. As I left, I just kept thinking 'I can't believe I just did that.' It went very well, and while she didn't 'know', she did finally say that she wasn't surprised, which I guess is what I meant in the first place. She'll be there Friday when I tell my parents, so I didn't want her to be blindsided when the fireworks start.

In an hour, I'll be sitting in my pastor's office talking about it. Then I go to rehearsal where I tell my friends. To say I'm stressed out would be an understatement. I'm stupidly optimistic, though. Sister called a while ago to wish me luck.

It's weird. I'm terrified, absolutely terrified. But at the same time I'm excited because it won't be my BIG SECRET anymore, it'll just be part of me that people deal with (or not).

Thanks again to everybody who has or hasn't responded. Your support means a lot. (Jack, the parents don't know anybody at the church, so that wasn't a concern. Otherwise, yeah, they would have been first.)
I wasn't going to update here because there was a little grumbling last time, but several people have asked me privately, so here we are.

I talked to the preacher man and my friends last Tuesday, and I'm apparently really, really, really good at picking preachers and friends. Completely accepting, offering support, the whole nine yards. My preacher warned me to be ready for ugly words when news starts getting out, and I warned him that he'll hear it before I will. We had a good talk.

His major point on it, and he's quite right, is that the Methodist church doesn't have an official stance on the issue. There was a dust up in Virginia a couple years ago, and probably a few other than that* but the Bishops' stance is that homosexuality is not a barrier to inclusion. The 'line in the sand' has to do with a "self-professed, practicing homosexual person" becoming clergy. They've been divided pretty evenly on that for a long time, and I honestly expect the tip in next June at the conference.

My friends basically said "No kidding. What took you so long?" Tears were flowing, and not from me. It was a good day. I spent all day rehearsing defenses and I didn't even need one.

The talk with Mom and Dad got canceled because my aunt and uncle spent the night. I didn't find this out until Friday around 6:00. Sucks that I have to wait another week until we can sit down, but on the plus side, I got an illustration Saturday when my uncle asked me, in a room full of people, when I'm going to get married.

"See Mom? This is why."





*Including one at my former church. Just chest beating by my former minister about leaving the UMC if gay clergy are allowed. Good times.

[Quilt]

Good for you that you're doing this. One of my best friends came out a short while ago, and I've never been more proud of him. It takes a lot of guts to come to terms with yourself about these sorts of things. Let alone tell everybody else.

[Paul McEnery]

*Including one at my former church. Just chest beating by my former minister about leaving the UMC if gay clergy are allowed. Good times.

"Not to worry; the Devil's got plenty of room for bigots on his team."

[Matt Algren]

"Not to worry; the Devil's got plenty of room for bigots on his team."Funny you should say that. I was called the Devil before I left.

It was a wondrous time to be alive!

[Winslow]

Still thinking of you Matt.

Just think, you came out around the same time as Dumbledore.

[Paul McEnery]

Funny you should say that. I was called the Devil before I left.

It was a wondrous time to be alive!

"You should see me when I've got the horn!"

[Jack Zodiac]

His major point on it, and he's quite right, is that the Methodist church doesn't have an official stance on the issue. There was a dust up in Virginia a couple years ago, and probably a few other than that* but the Bishops' stance is that homosexuality is not a barrier to inclusion. The 'line in the sand' has to do with a "self-professed, practicing homosexual person" becoming clergy. They've been divided pretty evenly on that for a long time, and I honestly expect the tip in next June at the conference.

I'm a lapsed Catholic, former Methodist, and at the Methodist church I used to go to just to be with some friends a couple times a week, we had a preacher named Rob, who was a totally awesome guy. Great preacher, good family, lovely wife, but he was so obviously gay. And a year or so after I'd stopped going (I used to be a youth group leader for 'em, but I guess once you stop worshiping God, it kind of defeats the purpose of leading a church youth group), he came out. He was either forced to leave or left on his own, I'm not sure, because he moved to Maryland after that; but it was a shame to see him go, because my parents said they replaced him with an older, less enthusiastic preacher and a lot of people left the church.

Anyway, Matt, I'm glad your friends and your church were all there for you and understanding, and I hope that when it finally comes time, your parents are as respectful.

[Spike-X]

I just wish my brother would come out and get it over with.

[Alex]

Within reason, obviously.

Yeah, i'm not going to do the guy or anything.

[Man In Black]

I just wish my brother would come out and get it over with.When gay people come out, I guess the question is: WHo are they really coming out for? If it's going to put someone at peace with themselves, hey, I'm all for it....but don't do it because it's whats "expected" of you in this day and age.

I see no problem with someone keeping their sexual orientation private, so long as they're completely secure in themselves and their reasons for doing so. For the same reasons someone might not tell you who they voted for or what their specific religious beliefs are; It doesn't mean you're ashamed necessarily, you just don't need anyone else's damn approval to know how you truly feel.

Regardless of all that, Matt, if it puts you at peace w/ yourself man, good on you. You seem to be a smart guy, so I'm pretty sure you realize that no one elses opinion should stand in the way of you living your life at your own convenience.

[Matt Algren]

When gay people come out, I guess the question is: WHo are they really coming out for? If it's going to put someone at peace with themselves, hey, I'm all for it....but don't do it because it's whats "expected" of you in this day and age.Not trying to be argumentative, but it's never 'expected'. That's a bizarre thing to say.
I see no problem with someone keeping their sexual orientation private, so long as they're completely secure in themselves and their reasons for doing so. For the same reasons someone might not tell you who they voted for or what their specific religious beliefs are; It doesn't mean you're ashamed necessarily, you just don't need anyone else's damn approval to know how you truly feel.

Regardless of all that, Matt, if it puts you at peace w/ yourself man, good on you. You seem to be a smart guy, so I'm pretty sure you realize that no one elses opinion should stand in the way of you living your life at your own convenience.
Speaking only for myself, I'm doing it because I don't want to hide anymore. I haven't told anyone at work, mostly because it a) hasn't come up in the last two weeks, and b) . . . I just realized that actually, it's just a). My homosexuality, as Alison Bechdel would put it, is largely theoretical at this point. If/when that theory becomes physical reality (if you know what I mean, and I think you do), the appropriateness of no one at work knowing, of not having a picture of him on my desk, of being careful what I call him on the phone, would change utterly. Frankly, it would be offensive to him to keep it a secret. (More on that in a later post.)

Keeping it 'private' looks good on paper, but it seeps into every part of your life. Decisions on how you respond to EVERYTHING people say are based around the privacy until it stops being privacy, becoming a Secret. A Secret that no one can find out, or they'll find out that everything is a Lie.

It's like if you decided to keep your left-handedness private. My grandfather had to do that because he grew up at a time when being left handed was WRONG and needed correction. He was taught (quite brutally) how to write with his right hand, how to eat with his right hand, how to do everything with his right hand. Did it work? Yes, to a point. Did he survive it? Certainly. Would his life have been better if he'd been allowed to be how God created him? Absolutely.

Now take that and multiply it by a billion. That's what this is.

[Man In Black]

Not trying to be argumentative, but it's never 'expected'. That's a bizarre thing to say.

Speaking only for myself, I'm doing it because I don't want to hide anymore. I haven't told anyone at work, mostly because it a) hasn't come up in the last two weeks, and b) . . . I just realized that actually, it's just a). My homosexuality, as Alison Bechdel would put it, is largely theoretical at this point. If/when that theory becomes physical reality (if you know what I mean, and I think you do), the appropriateness of no one at work knowing, of not having a picture of him on my desk, of being careful what I call him on the phone, would change utterly. Frankly, it would be offensive to him to keep it a secret. (More on that in a later post.)

Keeping it 'private' looks good on paper, but it seeps into every part of your life. Decisions on how you respond to EVERYTHING people say are based around the privacy until it stops being privacy, becoming a Secret. A Secret that no one can find out, or they'll find out that everything is a Lie.

It's like if you decided to keep your left-handedness private. My grandfather had to do that because he grew up at a time when being left handed was WRONG and needed correction. He was taught (quite brutally) how to write with his right hand, how to eat with his right hand, how to do everything with his right hand. Did it work? Yes, to a point. Did he survive it? Certainly. Would his life have been better if he'd been allowed to be how God created him? Absolutely.

Now take that and multiply it by a billion. That's what this is.I'm going to have to take your word for it, as I've never really felt any significant pressure to not be who I truly am. Of course, I'm not gay (and that's not meant to be a chest beating "I'm straight!" proclamation from a mountaintop, either -- just a fact), and so I could never walk that mile in your shoes, so to speak....at least, not in that particular brand.

And I do think it's somewhat expected of people to come out and admit they're gay these days, though in a very casual, offhanded way. That you're in "denial" if you don't march in the next Gay-Pride parade or something. And thats good in a way, much better than the "Keep it private at all costs" mentality that tormented a lot of people throughout history.

Anyhow, good luck to you in the future. I sincerely hope everything works out for you.

[Paul McEnery]

Not trying to be argumentative, but it's never 'expected'.


Especially if you do it wearing a cardinal's outfit, and come prepared with a comfy chair.

[Matt Algren]

Final Update. (probably)

I talked to Mom and Dad Friday night. It went . . . okay. Better than I thought it would go, but it's not like they were psyched or anything. It'd been a week since I'd had 'the talk' and I was oddly unconcerned. I felt bad (still do) that they were the last to know, but that's just the way it worked out.

We aren't a physically demonstrative family and that was apparent as the three of us sat just about as far apart from each other as physically possible before I started talking. (That was my fault, unfortunately. I didn't even realize I'd done it until it was too late.)

Dad thought it through out loud, kind of like I probably would have. He loves me, and this doesn't change that. Mom just retreated as soon as I said the g-word. I finally forced her to say something, and she was trying to censor herself as much as possible, trying to be accepting but bringing up the counterpoint. Again, she loves me and I love her. I think she feels like she has to bring up the counterpoint.

We had a good dialog, but we still aren't quite seeing eye-to-eye. It'll take awhile until we're all comfortable with this.

They aren't comfortable with the sex thing, and like I told them, I'm not quite there either. Of course, they don't have to be comfortable with it, but religion is an important part of my life, and this needs to mesh into it, not be outside it. I understand their concern. Fortunately, I've found some pretty convincing arguments (http://whosoever.org/bible/) lately. Now I just have to commit them to memory for those unexpected times when somebody wants to thump a Bible at me.

And there were no hugs at the end of our talk, just a quiet I love you as I walked out the door. That made me sad, but then I thought back to all the scenarios I had worked out that ended with shouting and me being thrown out or leaving in tears. I guess this wasn't so bad.

Nobody at work knows yet, and I'm sure there will be some uncomfortable moments when it finally makes its way into the conversation, and I'm okay with that. Same with people at church or in my family or on the street. A friend of mine gave me the number of a local psychiatrist who could help me with the what-comes-next, but I don't know if I'll use it. For right now at least, I'm doing okay.

So that's it.

How odd for that big scary soul-eating Fear that has so consumed so much of my energy for the last 25 years to be gone. It'll be interesting, even a little scary, to figure out how to live without it.

[Puma]

Good luck Matt. I think from how you've described your family it went about as well as it was going to go.

[Fenris]

That sounds... awkward, but still good. I hope it was, anyway.

Some people (well, most people) don't handle a shock like this in perfect textbook fashion; but it sounds like your parents are in your corner. Especially your dad, which is kind of the opposite of what I was expecting.

But I bet your mom will handle it better, too, once she's had some time to process it all.


õ
Moms generally do!

[Jeff Brady]

I think she feels like she has to bring up the counterpoint.

Glad to know it didn't go so badly. What possible counterpoint is there to "I'm gay"?

Also, if you think it would help them: http://www.pflag.org/

How odd for that big scary soul-eating Fear that has so consumed so much of my energy for the last 25 years to be gone. It'll be interesting, even a little scary, to figure out how to live without it.

It's a mind-job for sure.

[Matt Algren]

Glad to know it didn't go so badly. What possible counterpoint is there to "I'm gay"?The born this way/somebody's fault/he's confused issue was broached ever so briefly. Also, we've been told for generations that God says "no gay", so there's that to get past. It just isn't something they've had to give a lot of thought to.
Moms generally do! That's my thinking too.

Really, my experience has (so far) been pretty darn low-key. No fist fights, no screaming matches, no spray paint on the car, no hypnotists. I'd say I was disappointed if I didn't know that a lot of gay men and lesbians paved the way for it to be this not-a-big-deal in Podunk, Ohio.

Make no mistake, people. Progress has been made.

[beetheb]

How odd for that big scary soul-eating Fear that has so consumed so much of my energy for the last 25 years to be gone. It'll be interesting, even a little scary, to figure out how to live without it.Even though we've had our differences, Matt (and how), I just wanted to say that I admire your courage in confronting this, it can't be easy.

Good luck to you.

[Rallura]

Good for you. I am glad it's going fairly smoothly for you.


Progress has been made.


Bravery is contagious.

[mattx110]

"It is a brave man that lives in fear, but a righteous man that confronts and defeats it." Now I'm pretty sure this is from an old "Conan, the Barbarian" issue or something, but it kinda fits. Either way, you've done something that a lot of people are incapable of doing (which is both a positive for you, and a negative for society). But, this thread has made me see you as more than just some guy with the same first name who disagrees with every other thing i post.

[Jack Zodiac]

I talked to Mom and Dad Friday night. It went . . . okay.

Well, considering how involved in your religion you and your family is, it could've gone a lot less... progressively? Short: it could've been disastrous, as I've heard some horrible coming out tales, so it going just "okay" is still pretty great. And I'm glad you were able to sit down and talk to 'em about it on most of the important levels. And as for your co-workers, it shouldn't matter to them. It's a part of who you are. They work with Matt, not straight-Matt or gay-Matt. So, if and when it ever comes up with the people you work with, if they have any problems with it, fuck 'em.

Anyway, glad it went well with the folks, Matt.

[morna]

Good for you Matt!

Enjoy life with the weight off.

[Winslow]

The PM Box is open if you need an ear.

Your folks sound a little confused, but seem to be generally good loving people.

[Nikita]

Final Update. (probably)

I talked to Mom and Dad Friday night. It went . . . okay. Better than I thought it would go, but it's not like they were psyched or anything. It'd been a week since I'd had 'the talk' and I was oddly unconcerned. I felt bad (still do) that they were the last to know, but that's just the way it worked out.

We aren't a physically demonstrative family and that was apparent as the three of us sat just about as far apart from each other as physically possible before I started talking. (That was my fault, unfortunately. I didn't even realize I'd done it until it was too late.)

Dad thought it through out loud, kind of like I probably would have. He loves me, and this doesn't change that. Mom just retreated as soon as I said the g-word. I finally forced her to say something, and she was trying to censor herself as much as possible, trying to be accepting but bringing up the counterpoint. Again, she loves me and I love her. I think she feels like she has to bring up the counterpoint.

We had a good dialog, but we still aren't quite seeing eye-to-eye. It'll take awhile until we're all comfortable with this.

They aren't comfortable with the sex thing, and like I told them, I'm not quite there either. Of course, they don't have to be comfortable with it, but religion is an important part of my life, and this needs to mesh into it, not be outside it. I understand their concern. Fortunately, I've found some pretty convincing arguments (http://whosoever.org/bible/) lately. Now I just have to commit them to memory for those unexpected times when somebody wants to thump a Bible at me.

And there were no hugs at the end of our talk, just a quiet I love you as I walked out the door. That made me sad, but then I thought back to all the scenarios I had worked out that ended with shouting and me being thrown out or leaving in tears. I guess this wasn't so bad.

Nobody at work knows yet, and I'm sure there will be some uncomfortable moments when it finally makes its way into the conversation, and I'm okay with that. Same with people at church or in my family or on the street. A friend of mine gave me the number of a local psychiatrist who could help me with the what-comes-next, but I don't know if I'll use it. For right now at least, I'm doing okay.

So that's it.

How odd for that big scary soul-eating Fear that has so consumed so much of my energy for the last 25 years to be gone. It'll be interesting, even a little scary, to figure out how to live without it.


Good for you man. You are very courageous. I admire you imensely. (I admire anyone who has the courage to come out.)