Read this and comment - Please - I need to know if it's any good.

[Hellboy_is_cool_indeed]

removed...

[Ken O]

I like some of the imagery you used. “She said through dirty teeth,” was really simple but it said volumes.

Some of the sentences seemed a little clunky, “Just before reaching Lucy’s cell he pulled up like a lame thoroughbred, with the horrible thought that Lucy may have succumb to the madness of the place.” Is an example, it just has an odd flow.

Some of the word you choose for the hero’s actions seemed a little odd too. “Lucy, it’s me - James’. I’ve come for you Lucy, I’m taking you away from this place.” He shrieked.” Shrieked just carries a different feeling then I think you’re going for.


That is just a couple thoughts. Considering I’m far from a professional take from it what you want.

[Hellboy_is_cool_indeed]

..still a draft, but I changed the shrieked bit. Thanks!