Nods to jesse_custer: Funniest Transmetropolitan quotes

[Radical]

"You're not just on jumpstart, are you?"

"For fuck's sake, get me some drugs--"

[saumilsingh]

"I'm giving up the memory of a truly legendary bowel movement for you.
I had to kill it with a shovel, you know."

"Journalism is just a gun. It's only got one bullet in it, but if you aim right, that's all you need.
Aim it right, and you can blow a kneecap off the world..."

[The Beast Of Yucca Flats]

I always thought these were pretty damn amusing:

"You're a filthy, disgusting whore. That's a terrible thing to do. Keep up the good work"

"Barely twenty-four hours back in the city and I've already gone madder'n a bastard on Father's Day."

"Let me tell you about my ex-wife. Before you froze her, she told me that she'd left specific instructions about her revival. To wit: she is not to be revived until there is incontrovertible evidence that I am definitely and irrevocably dead. To fuckery with my wife."

Sen. Gary Callahan: "What did I ever do to you, Jerusalem?"

Spider: "You made me sick."

"It's a bowel-disruptor. And you are just full of shit."

And this one isn't really "funny," but it's probably the most powerful one I've read so far (I just felt like including it anyway):

"These are the streets of this city, where the New Scum try to live. You and me, and here in these streets are the things that we want: sex and birth, votes and traits, money and guilt, television and teddy bears. But all we've actually got is each other. You decide what that means."

[-Sven-]

The first one that came to my mind, Spider, having planted some neurotransmitter gel which makes the beast hallucinating having sex with apes suffering from bowel syndrome:

"Spider Jerusalem: cheap, but not as cheap as your girlfriend"

[Radical]

Quoting/paraphrasing from memory:

"My name was supposedly going to be Django Heraclitus Jerusalem.

"But I came out a skinny baby and my mother had three neurological disorders going on at the time.

"So Spider it was."

[NimNams]

"Read my scripture! Read my fucking scripture!"

[Radical]

Not so much funny as relevant, from I HATE IT HERE:

"We live in a monoculture.

"What does that mean? Well, go out to your street corner. You'll probably see a Long Pig stand, SPKF on a screen somwhere, an Angry Boy Dylan's Gun Store. You'll go into a record store and see new recordings by the usual suspects, maybe a special Space Culture display rack.

"Go out on a streetcorner in London and you'll see the same thing. Same in Prague. Same in Silo Paulo. Same in Osaka, and Grozny, and Tehran, and Jo'burg, and Hobart.

"That's what a monoculture is. It's everywhere, and it's all the same. And it takes up alien cultures and digests them and shits them out in a homogenous building-block shape that fits seamlessly into the vast blank wall of the monoculture.

"This is the future. This is what we built. This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn't we? It is only our money that allows commercial culture to flower. If we didn't want to live like this, we could have changed it at any time, by not fucking paying for it.

"So let's celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger."