Posting my comic script for the first time

[Darrell D.]

Hello, all. I am in the process of writing a comic script, but before i get too into it, I would love some feedback.


PAGE 1

PANEL 1

WE HAVE A SHOT OF A CITYSCAPE NIGHT. WE CAN SEE SMALL VEHICLES FLYING, AND THE CITY HAS A DEFINITE FUTURISTIC LOOK.

CAPTION: NEW YORK, THE YEAR 3000.

CAPTION: ‘Where were you, in the year 3000?’

CAPTION: The slogan was burned into our minds, intended to disarm the doomsayers and ensure the populace that everything will be all right.

CAPTION: Only on the surface.

PANEL 2

WE SEE INSIDE OF AN APARTMENT, A MAN AND WOMAN ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, THEY LOOK AS IF THEY ARE IN A DAZE. A MACHINE SITS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM, AND CABLES ARE COMING OUT OF IT INTO THE HEADS OF THE COUPLE.

CAPTION: The sugary saccharine propaganda and entertainment fed into our brains are meant to distract. High tech “Bread and Circuses” to keep the masses happy and ignorant.

PANEL 3

WE ARE NOW IN AN ALLEY. A WOMAN IS BEING ACCOSTED BY TWO MEN. THEY ARE PULLING AT HER CLOTHES. THE ALLEY IS QUITE CLEAN, DUMPSTERS ARE REPLACED WITH LARGE CONTAINERS CALLED “DISINTEGRATORS”.

CAPTION: Here are the stories they don’t want you to know.

CAPTION: Here are the victims they could care less about.

PANEL 4

THE TWO MEN HAVE THE WOMAN ON THE GROUND. WE ARE LOOKING DOWN AT HER, WITH THE MEN OVER HER. THE CLOTHES ARE DIFFERENT, BUT NOT TOO MUCH DIFFERENT THAN WHAT TODAY’S FASHIONS ARE. THE WOMAN’S SHIRT IS OFF, AND HER ARM IS TRYING TO COVER HER BARE BREASTS.

CAPTION: But that’s why I’m here.
CAPTION: TO REMIND THEM.

PANEL 5

THE TWO MEN ARE LOOKING AT US (THE WOMAN). THEY ARE LEERING AND DROOLING, LIKE MOST SEXUAL DEVIANTS ARE LIKELY TO DO. UP ABOVE ON THE BUILDING ROOF TOP, WE CAN MAKE OUT THE SHADOW OF A FIGURE.

PANEL 6

THE WOMAN IS LOOKING AT US WITH A MIXTURE OF HORROR AND RELIEF.

PAGE 2
SPLASH PAGE

WE SEE PROMETHEUS, A HUGE IMPOSING FIGURE. HE LOOKS TO HAVE A BODYSUIT ON, WITH A CAPE AND FULL MASK. THE SUIT IS DARK, WITH WHITE GLOVES AND BOOTS. A THIN BELT IS AROUND HIS WAIST, WITH WHAT LOOKS TO BE SMALL STUDS IMBEDDED.

CAPTION: It’s the year 3000. I KNOW where you are.

PAGE 3

PANEL 1

PROMETHEUS JUMPS OFF THE ROOF.

CAPTION: Dora? Give me a disorienting strobe, please.

DORA: Deployed, Franklin.

PANEL 2

THE ALLEY IS FILLED WITH A BRIGHT LIGHT. THE TWO MEN TRYING TO RAPE THE WOMAN ARE COVERING THEIR EYES. THE WOMAN IS DOING THE SAME, CRAWLING AWAY FROM HER ATTACKERS.

CAPTION: The technological advances of the past fifty years have been impressive.

CAPTION: Case in point, PAN-or as I call her, Pandora-Dora for short- Psionic Amplification Nanite- a sentient nano-bot that embeds directly in a subjects brain.

CAPTION: The Result?

PANEL 3

PROMETHEUS LANDS DIRECTLY BETWEEN THE TWO PUNKS.

CAPTION: Enhanced reflexes and strength. Direct uplink with computer systems-such as my little ‘utility belt.’

PANEL 4

PROMETHEUS KICKS THE FIRST CREEP WHO GOES FLYING ACROSS THE ALLEY.

CAPTION: Hardly need it for these lightweights, though.

PANEL 5

PROMETHEUS GRABS THE OTHER CREEP.

PANEL 6

PROMETHEUS THROWS HIM IN THE LARGE ‘DISINTEGRATOR’ CONTAINER.

CAPTION: Dora, do me a favor and disable the safety protocols on this trasher, will you?

CAPTION: The ‘Trashers’ were designed to completely disintegrate trash, non-living organic matter. A person could fall in and nothing would happen- the damn things even release an air freshener blast after their cycle.

PAGE 4

PANEL 1

WE SEE THE CREEP IN THE CONTAINER, BEING BURNED ALIVE, HIS BODY BEING REDUCED TO ASH AND BONE.

CAPTION: Unless you disable the safety protocols.

PANEL 2

PROMETHEUS IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE BURNING TRASH. THE OTHER PUNK IS UNCONSCIOUS, AND THE WOMAN IS LOOKING AT THE PROMETHEUS WITH SOMETHING LIKE A MIXTURE OF FEAR AND AWE.



CAPTION: Thank, Dora. Call the local authorities and let them know I did their job for them. AGAIN.
DORA: What about the woman you saved?


PANEL 3

PROMETHEUS IS FACING THE WOMAN. THE CONTAINER IS BEHIND HIM, STILL SMOLDERING.

CAPTION: Yeah, right. Tell them to get a paramedic crew here, as well.

PROMETHEUS: It’s okay. Help is on the way.

PANEL 4

PROMETHEUS IS JUMPING UP THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING, AND THE WOMAN IS DOWN BELOW IN THE ALLEY, WATCHING HIM CLIMB THE ALLEY WALL.

CAPTION: This is my life.

CAPTION: This is my mission.

CAPTION: I have nothing else, except my rage.

PAGE 5

PANEL 1

PROMETHEUS IS RUNNING ON THE ROOFTOPS, A LARGE CITYSCAPE BEHIND HIM.

CAPTION: Dora, have the car ready.

PANEL 2

PROMETHEUS JUMPS.

PANEL 3

HE LANDS INSIDE A VEHICLE THAT IS HOVERING NEXT TO THE BUILDING HE JUMPED FROM.

CAPTION: That’s enough for tonight. Let’s get home.
PANEL 4

WE SEE A SHOT OF THE VEHICLE FLYING, THE CITY BEHIND IT. WE HAVE A GREAT VIEW OF THE CITY, AND WE SEE JUST HOW BIG AND FUTURISTIC IT IS.

PANEL 5

THE VEHICLE IS PARKING IN A LARGE ROOM, FULL OF EQUIPMENT.

CAPTION: Every night I go out, the monsters stay away a little longer.

PAGE 6

PANEL 1

PROMETHEUS IS CLIMBING OUT OF THE VEHICLE.

PROMETHEUS: Dora. The car sounded a little off. Run a diagnostic, okay?

DORA: Of course, Franklin.

PANEL 2

PROMETHEUS TAKES OFF HIS MASK, SWEAT RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE. HE IS FRANKLIN IVERS, FORMER INVENTOR, NOW FULL-TIME MAN IN PAIN. WE CAN SEE THE SORROW AND ANGER IN HIS FACE.

CAPTION: Dora is always there for me. Always.

PANEL 3

FRANKLIN IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS HUGE ROOM OF EQUIPMENT AND VEHICLES.

PROMETHEUS: Dora. Full holo-mode, please.

PANEL 4

A WOMAN IS SUDDENLY IN FRONT OF FRANKLIN. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL, WITH A KIND FACE AND SOFT EYES.

DORA: Yes, Franklin.

CAPTION: A hard-light hologram. She is a perfect replica of ..

CAPTION: ..of her.

PANEL 5

DORA IS STANDING THERE, SMILING. WE SEE FRANKLIN’S HAND REACHING OUT TO HER, SHAKING.

CAPTION: I designed her. I know her skin will feel the same as my wife’s.

CAPTION: I could touch her, just to feel her, just to have her kiss me once more…

PANEL 6

SAME PANEL AS FIVE, EXCEPT FRANKLIN’S HAND TURNS TO A FIST.

CAPTION: No.

CAPTION: It’s not real. She is here to remind me.

PANEL 7

WE SEE A CLOSE UP OF FRANKLIN’S FACE, RACKED WITH PAIN AND SORROW.

FRANKLIN: …holo off.

PAGE 7

PANEL 1

FRANKLIN OPENS A DOOR.

CAPTION: The ancient myths tells us of a god named Prometheus who stole fire from the gods and gave it to his creation, mankind.

CAPTION: It ushered in an era of enlightenment.

PANEL 2

FRANKLIN WALKS INTO A ROOM, A LARGE LIVING AREA. SEVERAL EQUIPMENT PARTS LITTER THE FLOORS AND TABLES.

CAPTION: People are easily fooled. They think they are in control of their destiny.

CAPTION: They aren’t. I discovered that five years ago when my life of order was plunged into chaos.
PANEL 3

FRANKLIN STRIPS HIS COSTUME OFF, STANDING IN FRONT OF A BED.

CAPTION: They have to know that this ‘utopia’ is coming at a price.

CAPTION: I’ll use the fire of the gods to light the way.

PANEL 4

FRANKLIN IS IN BED.

FRANKLIN: Dora, run training program 3D2 for tonight.

DORA: Yes, Franklin. Pleasant dreams.

CAPTIONS: My dreams are a way to train my body and mind.

CAPTION: I sleep and dream and train.

PANEL 5

FRANKLIN HEAD IS ON THE PILLOW, AND WE ARE LOOKING DOWN AT HIM. HIS EYES ARE CLOSED, AND A SLIGHT SMILE IS ON HIS FACE.

CAPTION: Welcome to the future.

PAGE 8

PANEL 1

WE ARE IN CLOSE ON DETECTIVE JACOB BARNES. HE IS ABOUT 35 YEARS OLD AND HE HAS A HARDENED LOOK. AT THE MOMENT HE LOOKS BORED. A CIGARETTE IS HANGING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

CAPTION: I hate the future.

PANEL 2

DAYTIME: WE ARE IN THE SAME ALLEY AS EARLIER, WHERE THE ATTEMPTED ASSAULT OCCURRED. SEVERAL UNIFORMED OFFICERS ARE MILLING ABOUT, AS WELL AS PLAINCLOTHES. THEY HAVE A LOT OF ELECTRONIC DEVICES. BARNES IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TRASHER THAT DISINTEGRATED ONE OF THE PUNKS. JOHN TELLER, A YOUNGER DETECTIVE IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM.

CAPTION: A couple of punks try to rape a young girl, and Prometheus is there. Standard M.O.:

CAPTION: One punk is dead, with a broken neck. The other…well, we can scrape him up and put him in a baggie.

BARNES: I thought these dumpsters couldn’t hurt humans.

TELLER: ‘Trashers.’

PANEL 3

BARNES IS LOOKING AT TELLER LIKE HE’S A IDIOT, A LOOK OF PURE DISTASTE. TELLER JUST LOOKS SMUG.

BARNES: What?

TELLER: They’re called ‘trashers’, not ‘dumpsters’.

BARNES: Yeah, I’ll try to remember that, since it’s so relevant.

CAPTION: Jerk.

PANEL 4

TELLER HAS A DEVICE ATTACHED TO THE TRASHER, AND APPEARS TO BE DOWNLOADING INFORMATION FROM IT. BARNES IS WATCHING OVER HIS SHOULDER.

TELLER: Hmm.

BARNES: What’s up?

TELLER: Someone, and by that I mean our vigilante, used an override to fry this poor guy.

BARNES: Well, he was trying to rape a woman, so my tears are not exactly forthcoming.

PANEL 5

BARNES LOOKS DISCOMFORTED, AS IF HE HAS A HEADACHE. TELLER IS LOOKING AT HIM STRANGELY.

HOLO-LINK: Please prepare for full Holo meeting with Commissioner Graves.

BARNES: OW!

TELLER: What??

BARNES: GODDAM HOLO MEETING!

TELLER: Oh for God’s sakes.

[Darrell D.]

PAGE 9

PANEL 1

BARNES IS WALKING TOWARDS AN EMPTY PART OF THE ALLEY. HE LOOKS PISSED.

CAPTION: Easy for him to say. He’s used to this.

PANEL 2

THE ALLEY STARTS MELTING INTO A FURNISHED OFFICE.

CAPTION: Holo-meetings, dumpsters that melt people…what the hell am I doing here?

PANEL 3

BARNES IS STANDING IN A OFFICE THAT IS QUITE SPACIOUS AND FURNISHED WITH A ORIENTAL STYLE. A SMALL MAN IS AT A DESK. THE MAN IS COMMISSIONER OLIVER GRAVES. HE LOOKS VERY ARROGANT, AS MOST PEOPLE IN POWER ARE.

GRAVES: Thank you for meeting with me, Detective Barnes. Please have a seat.

BARNES: Ah, that’s ok, I’ll stand. I’m in the middle of an alley, and I haven’t quite got the hang of this whole ‘outer body’ thing.

PANEL 4

GRAVES IS SMILING, AMUSED BY BARNES’S IGNORANCE CONCERNING TECHNOLOGY.

GRAVES: You’ve been out of cryo, what, five years? I think you have adjusted quite well, considering the era you are from.




PANEL 5

BARNES IS IN FRONT OF GRAVES’S DESK, NOT INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT HOW LIMITED HE IS IN THIS FUTURE.

BARNES: Not to be rude, but what was so important that you needed me in the middle of an investigation?

PANEL 6

GRAVES HAS A SOUR LOOK ON HIS FACE, OBVIOUSLY OFFENDED BY BARNES.

GRAVES: That’s what I wanted to speak with you about. The preliminary reports indicate that our vigilante has struck again?

BARNES: Um, yeah. He killed a couple of pricks who were in the process of raping a young college student.

PANEL 7

A CLOSE SHOT OF GRAVES, STILL SOUR.

GRAVES: They were still citizens, Detective.

PAGE 9

PANEL 1

A MEDIUM SHOT OF BARNES STILL IN FRONT OF GRAVES’S DESK.

BARNES: If you say so, sir.

GRAVES: This…Prometheus..is becoming a bit of a bother. Wouldn’t you agree?

BARNES: Well, he is breaking the law. But a bother? Not really. He’s just trying to help.

PANEL 2

GRAVES IS ANGRY NOW. HE IS POUNDING HIS DESK.

GRAVES: HELP?!?

GRAVES: HE is breaking the LAW, DETECTIVE! I would think you of all people would appreciate the need to capture him.
GRAVES: After all, I’ve read your files. You didn’t care for the masks before.

PANEL 3

CLOSE SHOT OF BARNES, HE IS CLEARLY PISSED.

BARNES: First of all, I didn’t say he wasn’t breaking the law. But I am damn glad he was there, and I’m sure that young girl is just as grateful.

BARNES: Second, the problem I had with the costumed idiots in MY time was more of the fact they were fighting each other more than crime.

BARNES: Trust me. I have every intention of catching this ‘Prometheus’ or whatever he calls himself.

PANEL 4

GRAVES IS HAPPY AGAIN; BARNES TOLD HIM WHAT HE WANTED TO HEAR.

GRAVES: I knew I could count on you. Please, accept my apologies for my outburst.

BARNES: Uh, sure. No problem. Anything else?

GRAVES: Yes. I want you to report DIRECTLY to me on this matter, understood?

PANEL 5

BARNES LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.

BARNES: Uh, yes sir.

CAPTION: What the hell is that about?

PANEL 6

THE FURNISHED OFFICE STARTS TO MELT INTO THE ALLEY.

GRAVES: Thank you for your time, Detective.

PAGE 10

PANEL 1

BARNES IS STANDING IN THE ALLEY; TELLER IS STANDING NEARBY LOOKING IMPATIENT.

TELLER: Well? What did Graves say?

PANEL 2

BARNES IS STANDING NEXT TO TELLER.

BARNES: He wanted to know if this was a Prometheus related incident. I told him it looks that way.

TELLER: That’s all? He held a holo-meet for THAT?

PANEL 3

SHOT OF THE ALLEY, THE UNIFORMED OFFICERS ARE PACKING UP EQUIPMENT AND WALKING ABOUT. BARNES AND TELLER ARE IN THE CENTER.

BARNES: Yeah, and what the hell is your problem? You’re acting like a jealous suitor.

TELLER: Oh, that’s good. I’m sorry, is that caveman humor?

PANEL 4

WE SEE A CLOSE UP SHOT OF BARNES’S FIST AT HIS SIDE. TELLER IS WALKING AWAY FROM HIM.

CAPTION: Remember, this isn’t the 21st century.
CAPTION: You can’t just break this prick’s jaw.

TELLER: Well, come on. The techs have the snapshot set up. We can investigate this back at the station.

CAPTION: Maybe just a bruising.

PAGE 11

PANEL 1

WE SEE A SHOT OF THE OUTSIDE OF A POLICE STATION. IT IS VERY HIGH-TECH, LOOKS MORE LIKE AN OFFICE BUILDING.

CAPTION: I’ve come to the conclusion that people got a lot stupider while I was a popsicle.



PANEL 2

WE ARE IN THE POLICE PRECINCT, A LARGE AREA OFFICE WITH DESKS AND HIGH TECH EQUIPMENT. WE ARE CLOSE ON TELLER, WHO IS TYPING ON A KEYBOARD. IN THE DISTANCE WE SEE BARNES, WHO IS WATCHING TELLER.

CAPTION: Teller is a prime example.

CAPTION: Last week he proclaimed a case closed because a computer- a freaking computer- told him that a man committed suicide.

CAPTION: I did some old-fashioned detective work and caught the killer.

CAPTION: And the retard still has the nerve to call me a ‘caveman’.

PANEL 3

BARNES IS AT HIS DESK, A TABLET IN HIS HAND. IT IS A VIDEO SCREEN WITH BUTTONS LINING THE SIDE OF IT. HE APPEARS TO BE WATCHING IT.

CAPTION: They froze me back in 2069. Five years ago they finally got around to thawing me, and this is the loony-tunes world I wake up to.

TABLET: It’s been a long ride to 3000!

PANEL 4

WE ARE NOW WATCHING THE TABLET. WE SEE A SCENE OF A SPACESHIP HOVERING OVER THE U.N. BUILDING.

CAPTION: “When the nations of Earth finally put aside their differences and began to work together, our ‘neighbors’ finally showed themselves.”

PANEL 5

A SCENE OF POLITICIANS AND TWO ALIENS STANDING TOGETHER. THE ALIENS LOOK LIKE THE ROSWELL GRAYS.

CAPTION: “Our alien friends were impressed with our progress, and the fact that we were finally looking at Earth as a whole, rather than a collection of nations.”

CAPTION: “On January 24, 2500 the planet earth became part of their collective..the Universal Nation of Planets.”



PANEL 6

A SCENE OF A SPACESHIP, KIND OF A ENHANCED SHUTTLE, LEAVING THE EARTH.

CAPTION: “Earth was finally able to colonize Mars and terraform it, meaning our over-population problem finally had a viable solution.”

PAGE 12

PANEL 1

A SHOT OF THE SUN, WITH MERCURY IN THE FOREGROUND.

CAPTION: “A power station on Mercury provides more than enough energy, thanks to the nuclear power of the sun!”

PANEL 2

SEVERAL PEOPLE EXITING WHAT LOOKS TO BE PODS OF SOME SORT..A CRYOGENIC FACILITY.

CAPTION: “Cryogenic freezing became very popular in the 21st and 22nd centuries. In the 28th century, we finally unlocked the mysteries of the genome! People from the past finally became one with the future!”

CAPTION: Jesus, who writes this shit?

[Darrell D.]

PANEL 3

BARNES IS SITTING AT HIS DESK, AND HE HAS TOSSED THE TABLET ASIDE.

CAPTION: Here’s the real scoop: people from the past who were dumb enough to go for cryogenics were finally woken up starting in 2799.

CAPTION: They woke to a world that scared the living hell out of them.

CAPTION: Some became history teachers, some became living relics. Others are insane.






PANEL 4

BARNES IS STILL AT HIS DESK, LEANING BACK IN HIS CHAIR.

CAPTION: And me? I got my old job back on the force, based on my record in the past.

CAPTION: I had a particularly nasty disease, which was doing me in.

CAPTION: A rich politician whose daughter I saved in a kidnapping case footed the bill. At the time it seemed like a good idea. And to tell the truth I was pretty hopped up on morphine when I signed the consent form.

PANEL 5

A LONG SHOT OF THE PRECINCT, PEOPLE ARE MILLING ABOUT, TYPING AT DESKS. WE SEE BARNES IN THE CENTER, STILL RECLINING.

CAPTION: I woke up five years ago. The process takes a while, and there were hundred of thousands that were pulled from the deep freeze before me.

CAPTION: I adjusted okay. They put me through a orientation program, which lasted almost a year. We had a chance to familiarize ourselves with the new world.

CAPTION: I found out that my job would entail a lot of computer work, so I learned all I could about the new systems. Not as hard as I thought, since the computers now are so interactive I was able to figure out how certain coding worked.

PANEL 6

A SHOT OF TELLER, TYPING AWAY, AND WE CAN SEE BARNES IN THE BACKGROUND. A WOMAN IS WALKING TOWARDS BARNES..BLOND, TALL AND A KNOCKOUT.

CAPTION: I get on the force and I get saddled with this smug, self-righteous know-it-all.

CAPTION: Some days I prefer being a popsicle.

WOMAN: Hey, Jake.







PAGE 13

PANEL 1

THE WOMAN IS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF BARNES DESK. SHE IS WEARING A SHORT SKIRT, WITH HOSE, AND HIGH HEELS, AND WHAT LOOKS TO BE A MAN’S SHIRT WITH A TIE. SHE IS ROUND IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES. HER NAME IS HANNAH KIRBY, A SPECIAL INVESTIGATOR WITH THE D.A.

BARNES: Hannah, lovely Hannah. You are a sight for sore, sore eyes. What’s up?

HANNAH: We’re still on for tomorrow night?

BARNES: Oh, yeah. Wouldn’t miss it.

PANEL 2

WE HAVE A LONG SHOT OF HANNAH AND BARNES, WITH TELLER IN THE FOREGROUND AT HIS DESK. HE IS OBVIOUSLY EAVESDROPPING.

HANNAH: Good. I planned on wearing that little number you like. You know, the black dress with the nearly illegal neckline?

BARNES: Hmm, maybe we should skip dinner and just go back to my place..

PANEL 3

WE ARE CLOSE ON HANNAH, SHE HAS A DEVILISH SMILE.

HANNAH: What ever you want, big man. See you tomorrow.

PANEL 4

WE ARE FROM BARNES P.O.V., WATCHING HANNAH WALK AWAY.

CAPTION: Hot damn, I love the future.

CAPTION: The first thing I did when I got out of the cryo ‘half-way’ house was find a bar. I walked in, and it was the weirdest thing; a bunch of guys was on the other side of the bar, away from the women, who were the most amazing looking women I had ever seen.

CAPTION: I walked up to them, ordered a round of drinks, and the next thing I know two of them took me back to their apartment for some decidedly naughty adventures.


PANEL 5

LONG SHOT OF BARNES RECLINING AT HIS DESK, TELLER WALKING TOWARDS HIM.

CAPTION: I found out that the men in this time are pretty much useless when it comes to women. They are hooked on cyber: a virtual fantasy world where everything is real, touch, smell, EVERYTHING.

CAPTION: They spend so much time there, they have no clue how to speak to these women. And the women; dear God, due to genetics and cosmetic surgery, a grandmother of 80 barely looks a day over 35. And the guys here are spending they’re time playing video porn, and getting mad at me because I can talk to women and they can’t.

CAPTION: And speak of the devil…

PAGE 14

PANEL 1

TELLER IS STANDING AT BARNES’S DESK, TRYING TO LOOK AUTHORITATIVE. BARNES IS STILL RECLINING IN HIS CHAIR, NOT GIVING A SHIT ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

TELLER: Guess what? You get to go through the data from the alley. You’re the Commissioner’s boy, so you get the honors.

BARNES: Yeah, I guess I should, if I want it done right.

PANEL 2

SHOT OF TELLER GLARING AT BARNES, PISSED. BARNES IS GRINNING BACK AT HIM.