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howyadoin
06-13-2007, 06:17 PM
"Goddamnit, if you can't kick a Nazi in the vagina, I don't know if there's any hope for comics!"
~ Jack Zodiac



"I call Jihad on Mike's Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ice.

Death to Malted Beverages! Death to The Infidel!

Alcohol Akbar! Alcohol Akbar! Alcohol Akbar!"
~ Royal



"my 'que?' was directed at Jeff but forefinger got his dick in the way"
~ morna



"I'm black, I can make all the racist comments I want."
~ Stellar



"It used to be that, whenever you needed a giggle you just worked in certain poster's names into your thread. I'm glad we outgrew that.

On an unrelated note, I miss iwarrior."
~ BoosterBronze



"I'll bet Giant-Size Man-Thing has seen quite a bit of Jungle Action."
~ Jeff Brady



"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself cannot eat it?"
~ coke & comics



"Wow.

I don't even know how to respond. You might as well have just said "Chocolate tastes like oranges!""
~ Kid Omega



"Every time a dog eats pizza an angel gets its wings."
~ Slam_Bradley



Ed Cunard: "I remain in awe at the variety and quality of the microwaveable food available to today's consumer."
Gingold: "What a time to be alive."



"Nine pages of men debating abortion with one post by a woman. It's like we're the Senate."
~ Gingold



"You know what pisses me off? That Ghenghis Khan and his army of Huns!

man... those guys were jerks!"
~ Kid Omega



"I enjoy the nipples. And my joy shames and offends me."
~ coke & comics



"I'm a Criminal Justice Major. I've taken several courses on drugs, drug laws, and drug related crimes. Every teacher I've ever had has called the theory b.s. There's no studies that conclusively say marijuana is a 'gateway' drug."
~ Ryan Kirk



"I read half the Fourth World books with a chub on."
~ Jack Zodiac



"And now I can finally masturbate and cry myself to sleep.

Another day vanquished!"
~ Michael Pullmann



"I was TOTALLY JOKING when I told George we needed less fighting giant space monsters on exploding dessert planets and examining the archetypal hero that exists within us all and more sitting around yacking at space congress and annoying, vaguely offensive ethnic stereotypes.

Never dreamed he'd take me seriously."
~ Reptisaurus!



"The only true way to figure out a person's race is to play electric guitar."
~ Valmore



"Marlboro has always been my brand.

But unlike the rest of you, they won't kill me.

I know this because they whisper at me all the time that they won't hurt me, they are my friends."
~ rick



"Damn, I drink a lot. Or, frequently. No, it's a lot. And frequently. I frequently drink a lot."
~ hulahulk



"Look at me, writing Voyager fanfic. Before long Chakotay and Janeway will be doing it."
~ Matt Algren



K'Nort: "Is it possible to say 'Eek!' in a manly way?"
Sean Whitmore: "'Eek, beeyotch'?"



"Skepticle. The popsicle for the non-believer!

'Tastes like heresy!'"
~ Guapo Méndez



"NOW DO YOU 'GET IT' YOU FUCKIN' MORON!

*ahem*

I mean do you have any more questions?"
~ Winslow



"I wasn't trying to make an intelligent point, just an observation."
~ kmeyers



"Wesley Snipes. A skirt. A gun. Vampires will be sorry and awkwardly aroused."
~ Ed Cunard on Princess Blade



"I actually got through to a local radio show and asked 'Was there ever an episode of LEAVE IT TO BEAVER in which rather than take him to a barber, Mrs. Cleaver decided to stay home and trim her Beaver?'"
~ HomerJay



Dreadstar: "CBR needs real 'face time.' Preferably a drunken weekend at a secluded beach where people can actually look into each other's bloodshot eyes and get a feel for whether or not they really *are* an asshole when they say those things, or if there's a smirky twinkle in their eyes when they're saying it.

Then we drown the assholes in the ocean."
Ed Cunard: "That'll never work.

I can swim."



"I am also quite proud of my year in Japan in high school where I played rugby and broke a Japanese kid's arm. I like to look back fondly and imagine that the kid grew up, became a successful businessman, and engages in highly predatory pricing practices that have wiped out several American domestic industries as a result. Perchance, to dream."
~ Ray R.



"The thing about these statues is that you know the guys that buy them stick them up their anus while masturbating."
~ Joe Rice on Marvel's Mary Jane Comiquette



coke & comics: "What is this word, guilt?"
mgs: "I think it was invented by married people."



"I used to talk during movies until I realized I could see the screen better if I took my head out from up my ass."
~ Cei-U!



"Cyclops? That's a crap name for a superhero.

Captain Laserweiner, that's the ticket."
~ Paul McEnery



"Lesbians don't have tops and bottoms! Those are labels for sodomites only!"
~ Kid Omega



"Frank Miller has turned into what Mickey Spillane would be if his mother let him eat paint as a child."
~ Pól Rua



Winslow: "We need an ADD support group."
Gingold: "I can come as long as the meetings don't last more than 5 minutes."



"I hear tell that Warren Ellis has a forum. Anybody know what it's called?

*This post brought to you by the Association for Untimely Jokes.*"
~ Matt Algren



"I'm a crappy human being, and I might be scum, but it isn't because I'm a man, it's because I'm an asshole."
~ Jack Zodiac



"I'd like to come back, all Crow-like, and take my revenge on those who killed me whilst wearing cool emo make-up/wailing on an electric guitar/Dual-wielding Colt .45's.

If I had my druthers, 'twould be that.

Realistically, my life isn't that exciting though.

I'd likely settle for haunting the local convenience store or someshit. Maybe Wal-Mart....I could haunt the hell outta Wal-Mart.
'OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH......JANICE.....DO NOT BUY THIS CHEAP COMFORTER OR YOU WILL DIEEEEE! WHOOOO-HAHAHA!'"
~ Shady Jack



Shady Jack: "On the plus side, this is the first Rita's thread where I didn't make a complete asshole out of myself."
Spike-X: "On the minus side, we still have over 2,000 posts to go!"



"I played the ponytailed, quasi-girl, massage the feet guy for about a year. It was like living the life of that whiny lead singer from "Live"."
~ Spackling Compound



"I could never be that man. My eating habits may fail to satisfy many women"
~ coke & comics



"It was a mistake,

and I stand by it.

And by standing by it, I refuse to fix it.

Because that's what America stands for."
~ ragnarok_2012



Michael Pullmann: "It's almost as if women are individual creatures, with different opinions and preferences."
Agent Helix: "Keep that pussy talk to yourself, son."



"Hello. I'm really, really excited about the new Transformers movie. Michael Bay AND Shia Lebouef? Sometimes they DO get it right in Hollywood."
~ Ray R.



"Perhaps I'm revealing my ignorance regarding some area of jurisprudence, but I've never understood why the hanging of an innocent man caused the lights to go out in Georgia."
~ Michael Pullmann



Jared_Humphreys: "Stayed up too late seeing Pirates last night."
HomerJay: "Layoff the peyote then."



"Man Junk doesn't get the lonely fanboy dollar."
~ Mac Danny



Gilda Dent: "In other news, my submit button is stuck."
Paul McEnery: "Lucky Emily."



"Rape is okay to deal with in any American medium, because rape is violence and violence is A-OK.

It's consensual sex we seem to have issues with."
~ Sean Whitmore



"I'm not a pirate stripper.

I have no booty."
~ coke & comics



"I usually don't vote in these things, but Paul McEnery's near death experience is enough to overcome my apathy.

In the future, if you want my vote, you too should have a near-death experience."
~ moebius



"ACT I

[INT: DAN DIDIO'S OFFICE]

DAN: 'List your qualifications to write Superman.'

GEOFF: 'Rape, decapitation, murder, torture, rape.'

DAN: 'You listed rape twice.'

GEOFF: 'I like rape.'


I love 'Blazing Saddles'."
~ Ray R.

howyadoin
06-13-2007, 06:19 PM
HomerJay: "I will also say that some of those gals appear to deserve the douches they're with."
Ed Cunard: "Some of them definitely don't look fresh."


"I believe in making the world better for our children. But not out children's children.

Because children shouldn't be having sex."
~ coke & comics



Michael Pullmann: "We have loons and beaver in America, too."
Jeff Brady: "Leave cross-dressing Giuliani out of this."



"Welcome to the Internet, Billy.

Where the inalienable right to critique people on nearly imperceptible flaws goes hand in hand with super-sizing your snack and fast food intake.

I think the formula is M < F/I X K

M = model, F = Fatness, I = Insecurity and K = average number of keystrokes per day."
~ Ray R.



Joe Rice: "Not a good day. Almost just cancelled Hamlet."
Ed Cunard: "So, 'not to be,' then?"



"'She's Catwoman's daughter? Okay, we'll give her cat powers.'
'Catwoman didn't have powers.'
'Shut up and get me a Latte.'"
~ Typo Lad


"Buh-Bye.

Thanks for flying Total Bastard Airlines."
~ Tommy



"Doucheocracy!"
~ Jack Zodiac



Spackling Compound: "Paris is going to appeal."
Sean Whitmore: "That'd be a first."



"Martini Glasses sounds like a more sophisticated version of Beer Goggles."
~ Pól Rua



"I wish I could menstruate. Then I would always know when to pay the rent."
~ Mac Danny



Spike-X: "Who the hell would want to download episodes of Designing Women?"
Jeff Brady: "What are you doing on Ed's computer?"



"Name actors won't guarantee anything anyway. You could cast Liam Neeson, Ewan Macgregor, Natalie Portman, Christopher Lee, and Samuel L. Jackson in a series of movies, and they could still suck. Right, Jesse?"
~ Gingold



JerrBear81: "Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'"
Drew Van T.: "The HRC has issued a statement saying that they are offended and outraged, but also curious and turned on."



"That make-up job is temporary.

Genital herpes is forever."
~ Dreadstar

Chris Nowlin
06-13-2007, 06:28 PM
Yay, by stealing from the Simpsons and Jack Handy, I get digested once again.

In other news, I don't understand Ray's M<F/I x K formula, but I know F and K are very high numbers for me and I suspect I should be offended.

morna
06-13-2007, 06:30 PM
woo hoo !!!

WOO HOOOOO!!!

morna
06-13-2007, 06:32 PM
This was a truly hilarious one Howy - well done!
what a drool funny bunch of nerds!

The Mirrorball Man
06-13-2007, 06:33 PM
Very funny digest, as usual.

Spackling Compound
06-13-2007, 06:33 PM
Good ones!

Seems I actually said something funny this time....

Ronald Bryan
06-13-2007, 06:34 PM
Another well done digest.

Jeff Brady
06-13-2007, 06:35 PM
Spike-X: "Who the hell would want to download episodes of Designing Women?"
Ed Cunard: "What are you doing on Ed's computer?"

Slight correction, your Holiness. Ed didn't say that. I did.

(Woo-hoo! Three times!)

Chris Nowlin
06-13-2007, 06:38 PM
Slight correction, your Holiness. Ed didn't say that. I did.

(Woo-hoo! Three times!)

I see no evidence of this.

And no problem with Ed talking about "Ed's computer" rather than "my computer"

Valmore
06-13-2007, 07:09 PM
Ah, finally I work my way back into the digest... though I had to rip off Dave Chappelle to do so. However, I won't lose much sleep over it.

Good job, as usual!

gary bolt
06-13-2007, 07:12 PM
This was a truly hilarious one Howy - well done!
what a drool funny bunch of nerds!

http://i2.tinypic.com/263tweb.jpg

jessecuster3
06-13-2007, 07:16 PM
Awesome digest as always and I was neither funny nor straight this time.

morna
06-13-2007, 07:39 PM
http://i2.tinypic.com/263tweb.jpg

:p

yup you heard me

Chris Nowlin
06-13-2007, 09:42 PM
Awesome digest as always and I was neither funny nor straight this time.

I can imagine you being funny, but not straight

Pól Rua
06-13-2007, 10:53 PM
I see no evidence of this.

And no problem with Ed talking about "Ed's computer" rather than "my computer"

He's using the Royal 'Ed'.

howyadoin
06-13-2007, 10:56 PM
I see no evidence of this.

And no problem with Ed talking about "Ed's computer" rather than "my computer"

He's using the Royal 'Ed'.I suspect Jeff was hallucinating. You know how he is.

Jeff Brady
06-13-2007, 11:02 PM
I suspect Jeff was hallucinating. You know how he is.

Yeah, that Jeff guy is fuckin' nutters. Can't trust him any further than you can throw the bastard.

howyadoin
06-13-2007, 11:04 PM
Yeah, that Jeff guy is fuckin' nutters. Can't trust him any further than you can throw the bastard.If he hears you talkin' about him like that, you're in big trouble, buddy.

Big trouble.

Jeff Brady
06-13-2007, 11:12 PM
If he hears you talkin' about him like that, you're in big trouble, buddy.

Big trouble.

Meh. It's not like he knows where I live or anything. Lazy bastard's probably sitting in front of his computer finishing off a pint of Haagen Dasz, right before bed time.

How I loathe him.

hulahulk
06-13-2007, 11:44 PM
I completely forgot about my post about drinking. I must have been tanked at the time.

Fish Sauce
06-14-2007, 03:17 AM
Wow, lots of guitar references in that one.

Spike-X
06-14-2007, 03:30 AM
Howy likes guitars.

Tages
06-14-2007, 03:50 AM
I didn't make this one. I must be slipping.

Typo Lad
06-14-2007, 04:08 AM
"Doucheocracy" may be the best term ever.

Deathstroke
06-14-2007, 04:22 AM
Great digest and once again, I appear to be have said nothing funny or memorable.

thehod
06-14-2007, 04:50 AM
And now my work colleagues think I must have some form of mental deficiency as I've just spent the last few minutes giggling and snorting to myself.

How well they know me.

Typo Lad
06-14-2007, 05:11 AM
Great digest and once again, I appear to be have said nothing funny or memorable.
It's rather remarkable that you're so unremarkable.

The Mirrorball Man
06-14-2007, 06:46 AM
Great digest and once again, I appear to be have said nothing funny or memorable.

I believe this is called PDD: Post-Digest Depression.

Ray R.
06-14-2007, 09:15 AM
Yay! Great digest. Thanks, howy!

Guapo Méndez
06-14-2007, 10:14 AM
Great digest, howyadoin.

I laughed a lot with the "kick the nazi" one.

Mac Danny
06-14-2007, 10:39 AM
"Doucheocracy" may be the best term ever.

I second this. Someone get Noah Webster on the phone!

howyadoin
06-15-2007, 07:52 PM
I second this. Someone get Noah Webster on the phone!I don't think he's on my speed dial.

Mac Danny
06-15-2007, 08:19 PM
I don't think he's on my speed dial.

"Noah? this is Duke.. How much to get a word in the dictionary.. "

I dearly miss The Critic it was Dukelicious!