Two months.

[PatrickG]

Monday at 10:14 a.m. will mark two months since the murder of my friend and roommate. Nothing will even touch a courtroom for another three months; that's when the bond hearing for the self-professed gunman is.

I'm in counseling. It actually took the advice of a comics professional I've known for years to actually start going.

There's been some progress there; I've actually been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a kind of high functioning autism. I've had some chance to work through some emotions there but nothing is really taking.

I wake up tired if I can get to sleep at all and if I can't sleep then I wind up crying, looking at old photographs.

When I do sleep, I talk to my old roommate Bobby in my dreams.

Bobby died after being killed by his girlfriend's estranged husband. The couple had been separated longer than they had been married and divorce paperwork had been in the system for over a month.

Vonnegut's death stirs things up a bit. The only authors I know that Bobby liked more were Thompson (already gone), Ellison and Bradbury.

My neighbor says that Bobby got what he deserved and that he'd spend hours torturing his own wife to death if he caught her cheating. I'm not even sure how to respond to that.

People ask me if I'm all right "yet" -- and even when the "yet" isn't stated, it's there.

All I know is this:

You can't draw a straight line on the surface of a globe. Things are and will hopefully continue to get more functional... But nothing can ever be right. Ever. The world is flawed, from the heights of Heaven to the depths of Hell, from the depths of the space to the mysterious dance of electrons. I can't ever be all right or even right because the world is wrong and skewed and warped and twisted up, sick and festering.

Life is an infection and I'm just a bit of bacteria on the open wound. I can play my part and do whatever it is that I was designed to do as well as I can but the past is set in stone and that past is wrong. Unfathomably wrong. Creation is marred. I don't doubt that faith can move mountains or that hope can save but any thing that our species ever accomplishes is ultimately just damage control.

Forgive the extremity. The natural response to such "antic disposition" is to oppose it. I'm not looking for understanding and my mind isn't likely to be changed. I just don't have much chance to express where I am and how I feel.

Bob's favorite band was the White Stripes. I never payed much attention to the song "The Same Boy You've Always Known" but certain words hit me harder these days:


I thought this is just today
and soon you'd been returning
the coldest blue ocean water
cannot stop my heart and mind
from burning

[Hurricane]

I won't pretend to understand what that's like for you. I can only wish you the best.

[Cam63]

The same here, Patrick.

Good luck, mate.

[Sarah Beach]

Patrick, there is a reason that the traditional mourning period is a year. Anyone who thinks "getting over" the death of a person close to you in two months is possible doesn't really understand emotional dynamics. And unfortunately, modern society does try to push people back to "normal" far too fast. Because they don't like to think about death at all.

Oddly enough, because we don't observe formalized mourning anymore, going the other extreme also happens. I had a good friend at church, who was the moving force behind the professional acting company that now has a home on our campus, and also behind a handful of ministries geared toward those working in the entertainment field. Four years ago, on opening night of Uncle Vanya (he was playing the Professor, and those who had seen previews said it was his best work ever), he was driving to a nearby grocery to get something to eat before the show, and he had a heart attack and was gone almost immediately. This was a HUGE shock to our circle of friends. One of my close friends was going to be attending opening night (of course it was cancelled - in fact they delayed to opening 2 weeks). She was so upset she has not attended opening night for any of the shows since then - because David isn't there. Now.... I could understand that during the first year. But I do feel to persist in that dishonors our memory of David -- he loved acting, he loved what he'd accomplished with the entertainment ministries (which have continued onward since his death).

Anyway, my point is -- it is right and proper for you to still be upset and feeling the loss and grieving, even after two months. Let it happen.

I do believe that gradually you will start letting back in all the things you enjoyed about your friend.

The only other thing I can recommend is A Grief Observed - C.S. Lewis wrote it while he was grieving for the death of his wife Joy Davidman. It is pulled from his journals of the time, so his observations and feelings are immediate and raw. He originally published it anonymously.

But my prayers will be with you through this time. I believe it is important to value our friends, and I commend you for your deep feeling. I agree that the world is damaged - but I also believe that God created it to be good and beautiful, and His design and intent holds strong at the core, no matter how marred and scarred the surface is. And the core is love, and you obviously loved your friend. And that is good. So, do your grieving.

[Corrina]

Joan Didion also has a fabulous book on grieving, called The Year of Magical Thinking. It's very raw, as it follows in real time how she reacted to the sudden death of her husband, John Gregory Donne.

It may help to journey with someone else through the grieving process.

It may not, either. Grieving is very much an indvidual thing. I know many people expect closure at a certain point but I don't really believe in closure. I believe some time from the tragedy allows the good memories to surface without searing pain and brings back what we loved about the person and not how they died. But I think each loss leaves a wound that isn't so much healed as accepted.

[heystacy]

I'm wishing you the best as well Patrick.

[Sharpandpointies]

Hang in there, Patrick. You've a rough road ahead of you, but if you can talk about it, you're walking. You have my prayers and thoughts.

As Sarah says, it can take time. A long, long time, and it's nobody's business but your own, unless you choose to include them.

That 'yet' people tack on the end of their question to you? That's their baggage. The better question, the question they should be asking, is 'How are you doing?' And listening to the answer.

[Joshua Pantalleresco]

I wish you the best in your recovery. It sounds like he was a good friend. Good luck.

JP

[TomStillwell]

Pat, I recommend a book called When Bad Things Happen To Good People by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner.

When I was twenty one someone very close to me was killed by a drunk driver. I was tramatised for a long time.

The book helped a great deal.

My heart goes out to you.

Life will go on however. Healing starts when you let it.

[howyadoin]

My neighbor says that Bobby got what he deserved and that he'd spend hours torturing his own wife to death if he caught her cheating. I'm not even sure how to respond to that.Not that it'll help any, but your neighbour is clearly a sociopathic douchebag.

[Stressfactor]

If it helps as well -- think about ways you can honor the friendship you had with your daily life.

Something that helped me when my father passed away was to realize that while yes life is hard and dirty and nasty at times... but everyone we connect with in whatever way (be it love or friendship) adds to and changes us just as we add to and change them. By knowing this person they have given you a little part of themselves that you carry with you and therefore, when someone meets you and becomes friends with you they are also meet that part of the other person who is gone. You will always have that gift and that ability to pass on what you received to others.

[TCJohnson]

All the advice I can offer is to cherish the friends and family that are still with you and don't be afraid to use them for support.

And as I tell everybody, this is a good place to rant or vent.

Take care of yourself.

[Shisho]

Not that it'll help any, but your neighbour is clearly a sociopathic douchebag.

Um, I think I might agree with that.

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. :(