General Grievous
03-11-2007, 05:38 AM
So many people have asked for it, so here it is: what one reviewer called my near-sexual fascination with a comic book character. Please... Schmuck critic. It was totally sexual. Read...
How I Spent My Summer Vacation With The Judas Contract
by Brad Meltzer, originally published in Give Our Regards to the Atom-Smashers.
I was fourteen. She was sixteen.
I had a long, shaggy bowl cut (feathered on the sides, natch). She had a blond Dutch-boy hairstyle.
I was at the height of puberty. She was far more experienced.
I was an innocent. She was, too (or so it seemed).
Her name was Terra (aka Tara Markov). And she was the first girl to break my heart.
Simply put, she lied to me. And Im not just talking about the standard grade school lies (Youre definitely my best friend, or I never told Julie Lerner you were fat.). Im talking something far more sinister. Terra betrayed me. She deceived me. She shoved a knife in my belly and sliced upward all the way to my heart. And at fourteen years old, I loved every minute of it.
To back up a bit, and to give a little background in the hope that, when my mother reads this, she wont feel the parental guilt that will cause her to spend the next year of my life asking, Whos this Tara Markov, and how come you didnt tell me about her? heres a quick primer. In December 1982, New Teen Titans ..26 was published, introducing Terra, a troubled fifteen year-old who became the first new member of the Teen Titans. Let me make one thing clear: this was a big deal to me.
In 1982, New Teen Titans, written by Marv Wolfman, and drawn oh-so-exquisitely by George Perez, was easily the best book on the market (thats right, I said it--and yes, smart guy, Im well aware that Byrne-Claremont X-Men was being published at the same time). Made up of the junior superheroes of the DC Universe, the Titans brought together such mainstays as Robin, Kid Flash, and Wonder Girl, with new characters Cyborg, Starfire, Raven, and Changling (a young, green (yes, green) fifteen year-old class clown who could change into green animals (yes, green, and yes, animals). As I type those words, Im reminded that comics always suffer in the re-telling, but take my word for it, the alchemy between Wolfman and Perez created a vehicle for stories that redefined what comic-book characterization was all about. Sure, the Titans beat on the bad guys, but the book was first and foremost about the relationships between these young kids who were saddled with enough power to knock down a mountain. And you thought your puberty was tough.
Which brings us back to Terra. At the time she was invited to join, the Titans were a family. Seven members. And now there was an eighth. As I said, it was a big deal--imagine Ringo telling the other Beatles, Hey, blokes--I got a great fifth to play tambourine! Still, it was accepted without much fuss. Lets not forget, thats how superteams work. Members leave . . . members join. Even Batman and Robin parted ways (the original Robin, fanboy). There are no Beatles in comics.
As Terra spent time with the group, there were definitely a few doubters. Would she fit in? Was she joining the team with the right intentions? But me? I was like Changling--simply smitten.
Im not ashamed. I was twelve when she first appeared. Wonder Woman was far too old, and Wonder Girl was mature enough that she was dating a guy with a beard. Dammit, where were the teenage girls whod like insecure, loud-mouthed boys wearing Lee jeans like me? And then, out of the George Perez blue sky, comes this fifteen year-old fast-talking blond with super powers who could control the Earth itself. You better believe the ground quaked beneath my feet. Sure, she was trying to blow up the Statue of Liberty, but that was only because terrorists were threatening to kill her parents if she didnt take Lady Liberty down. She didnt want to do it, though--remember her words? I dont want to do any of this! Look at the back issues. There were tears in her eyes as she begged Changling to stay away. Dont make it harder on me, she begged. Please!! No question, this was a girl who needed help. She needed someone to come to her aid. She needed me.
Fast forward to issue twenty-eight. Terra was robbing a bank. Like before, her heart wasnt in it. She even apologized to Changling as she attacked him. . . . Im really sorry I have to do this And again, there were the tears. Curse those tears! They melted my pubescent heart like Fire Lad tonguing a Klondike bar. Dammit, world, cant you understand shes only doing it to save her parents!?
Of course, the Titans understood, and helped her track down the terrorists, only to find that her parents were already dead(!). Raging out of control, Terra screamed for revenge, gripping the terrorists in an enormous fist made of rock. As the villains begged for mercy, my girl squeezed them tighter. The Earth was shaking. She was so powerful, she started an earthquake. My young eyes went wide as the stone fist tightened--I couldnt believe it--she was really gonna kill em. But like all true heroes, as Terra peered into the abyss, she didnt like what she saw. Crumbling to her knees, she showed the villains the mercy never given to her parents. Again, my heart plummeted--Terra was fifteen and all alone in the world. Didnt anyone hear what she was saying on the final pages? I . . . feel so alone. And then, Changling looked into those sad, newly-orphaned blue eyes and said exactly what my twelve year-old brain was thinking: You dont have to be, Terra. Im here. (Emphasis not mine, but man, it couldve been.) The teaser on the cover of the issue said, Introducing Terra! Is She Friend--or Foe? Friend! I shouted. Friend!
I have to hand it to Wolfman and Perez. They knew what they were doing. Preying on the knight-in-shining-armor gene thats inherent in every male comic fan (oh, cmon, why do you think we read this stuff in the first place?), they conjured the perfect young lady in distress, then stepped back to watch us put our legs in the metal trap. The first step was done. By introducing her as a victim, they made us feel for her. But then they raised the stakes. Sure, she was in pain, but she was far from helpless. In fact, when Changling tried to come to her aid, she not only refused it, she actually punched him in the face, called him a nerd, and flew away. Think about that a moment. Do you have any idea what a strong female character like that does to a thirteen year-old psyche? No? Then let me back up even further and explain.
In 1981, in the heart of New-York-accent Brooklyn, my biggest social dilemma was deciding between Karen Akin and Ananda Bresloff. The slam books (aka, popularity ratings that were passed around to decide our social fates) were clear: given the choices Good, Fair, and Yuk, both Karen and Ananda had ranked me as Good. Even in fifth grade, Good was a good sign. Now the ball was in my court. How would I rank them? Sure, we had traded slam books at the exact same time, but only a fool ranks someone before they see how that person ranks them. Make no mistake, I mayve been dumb enough to think my knee-high tube socks were cool, and even insecure enough to want to wear a gold Italian-horn charm around my neck even though I was Jewish, but I was nobodys fool. And so, I handed Karen and Ananda their respective slam books.
Did you do the chart? they asked.
Of course, I said.
But when they checked inside, heres what they saw:
Girls -- rank them Good, Fair, or Yuk
Darlene Signorelli - Fair
Randi Boxer - Fair
Danielle Levy - Fair
Ananda Bresloff -
Karen Akin -
How I Spent My Summer Vacation With The Judas Contract
by Brad Meltzer, originally published in Give Our Regards to the Atom-Smashers.
I was fourteen. She was sixteen.
I had a long, shaggy bowl cut (feathered on the sides, natch). She had a blond Dutch-boy hairstyle.
I was at the height of puberty. She was far more experienced.
I was an innocent. She was, too (or so it seemed).
Her name was Terra (aka Tara Markov). And she was the first girl to break my heart.
Simply put, she lied to me. And Im not just talking about the standard grade school lies (Youre definitely my best friend, or I never told Julie Lerner you were fat.). Im talking something far more sinister. Terra betrayed me. She deceived me. She shoved a knife in my belly and sliced upward all the way to my heart. And at fourteen years old, I loved every minute of it.
To back up a bit, and to give a little background in the hope that, when my mother reads this, she wont feel the parental guilt that will cause her to spend the next year of my life asking, Whos this Tara Markov, and how come you didnt tell me about her? heres a quick primer. In December 1982, New Teen Titans ..26 was published, introducing Terra, a troubled fifteen year-old who became the first new member of the Teen Titans. Let me make one thing clear: this was a big deal to me.
In 1982, New Teen Titans, written by Marv Wolfman, and drawn oh-so-exquisitely by George Perez, was easily the best book on the market (thats right, I said it--and yes, smart guy, Im well aware that Byrne-Claremont X-Men was being published at the same time). Made up of the junior superheroes of the DC Universe, the Titans brought together such mainstays as Robin, Kid Flash, and Wonder Girl, with new characters Cyborg, Starfire, Raven, and Changling (a young, green (yes, green) fifteen year-old class clown who could change into green animals (yes, green, and yes, animals). As I type those words, Im reminded that comics always suffer in the re-telling, but take my word for it, the alchemy between Wolfman and Perez created a vehicle for stories that redefined what comic-book characterization was all about. Sure, the Titans beat on the bad guys, but the book was first and foremost about the relationships between these young kids who were saddled with enough power to knock down a mountain. And you thought your puberty was tough.
Which brings us back to Terra. At the time she was invited to join, the Titans were a family. Seven members. And now there was an eighth. As I said, it was a big deal--imagine Ringo telling the other Beatles, Hey, blokes--I got a great fifth to play tambourine! Still, it was accepted without much fuss. Lets not forget, thats how superteams work. Members leave . . . members join. Even Batman and Robin parted ways (the original Robin, fanboy). There are no Beatles in comics.
As Terra spent time with the group, there were definitely a few doubters. Would she fit in? Was she joining the team with the right intentions? But me? I was like Changling--simply smitten.
Im not ashamed. I was twelve when she first appeared. Wonder Woman was far too old, and Wonder Girl was mature enough that she was dating a guy with a beard. Dammit, where were the teenage girls whod like insecure, loud-mouthed boys wearing Lee jeans like me? And then, out of the George Perez blue sky, comes this fifteen year-old fast-talking blond with super powers who could control the Earth itself. You better believe the ground quaked beneath my feet. Sure, she was trying to blow up the Statue of Liberty, but that was only because terrorists were threatening to kill her parents if she didnt take Lady Liberty down. She didnt want to do it, though--remember her words? I dont want to do any of this! Look at the back issues. There were tears in her eyes as she begged Changling to stay away. Dont make it harder on me, she begged. Please!! No question, this was a girl who needed help. She needed someone to come to her aid. She needed me.
Fast forward to issue twenty-eight. Terra was robbing a bank. Like before, her heart wasnt in it. She even apologized to Changling as she attacked him. . . . Im really sorry I have to do this And again, there were the tears. Curse those tears! They melted my pubescent heart like Fire Lad tonguing a Klondike bar. Dammit, world, cant you understand shes only doing it to save her parents!?
Of course, the Titans understood, and helped her track down the terrorists, only to find that her parents were already dead(!). Raging out of control, Terra screamed for revenge, gripping the terrorists in an enormous fist made of rock. As the villains begged for mercy, my girl squeezed them tighter. The Earth was shaking. She was so powerful, she started an earthquake. My young eyes went wide as the stone fist tightened--I couldnt believe it--she was really gonna kill em. But like all true heroes, as Terra peered into the abyss, she didnt like what she saw. Crumbling to her knees, she showed the villains the mercy never given to her parents. Again, my heart plummeted--Terra was fifteen and all alone in the world. Didnt anyone hear what she was saying on the final pages? I . . . feel so alone. And then, Changling looked into those sad, newly-orphaned blue eyes and said exactly what my twelve year-old brain was thinking: You dont have to be, Terra. Im here. (Emphasis not mine, but man, it couldve been.) The teaser on the cover of the issue said, Introducing Terra! Is She Friend--or Foe? Friend! I shouted. Friend!
I have to hand it to Wolfman and Perez. They knew what they were doing. Preying on the knight-in-shining-armor gene thats inherent in every male comic fan (oh, cmon, why do you think we read this stuff in the first place?), they conjured the perfect young lady in distress, then stepped back to watch us put our legs in the metal trap. The first step was done. By introducing her as a victim, they made us feel for her. But then they raised the stakes. Sure, she was in pain, but she was far from helpless. In fact, when Changling tried to come to her aid, she not only refused it, she actually punched him in the face, called him a nerd, and flew away. Think about that a moment. Do you have any idea what a strong female character like that does to a thirteen year-old psyche? No? Then let me back up even further and explain.
In 1981, in the heart of New-York-accent Brooklyn, my biggest social dilemma was deciding between Karen Akin and Ananda Bresloff. The slam books (aka, popularity ratings that were passed around to decide our social fates) were clear: given the choices Good, Fair, and Yuk, both Karen and Ananda had ranked me as Good. Even in fifth grade, Good was a good sign. Now the ball was in my court. How would I rank them? Sure, we had traded slam books at the exact same time, but only a fool ranks someone before they see how that person ranks them. Make no mistake, I mayve been dumb enough to think my knee-high tube socks were cool, and even insecure enough to want to wear a gold Italian-horn charm around my neck even though I was Jewish, but I was nobodys fool. And so, I handed Karen and Ananda their respective slam books.
Did you do the chart? they asked.
Of course, I said.
But when they checked inside, heres what they saw:
Girls -- rank them Good, Fair, or Yuk
Darlene Signorelli - Fair
Randi Boxer - Fair
Danielle Levy - Fair
Ananda Bresloff -
Karen Akin -