What would you do if your sibling(s) were...

[Haunt]

slowly killing themselves? i ask because, ever since my brother graduated from college, he's been shutting himself up in his old room (he's still living at our parent's house); only coming out to eat. and he eats heavily. i peaked into his room once and it was just stacks of dirty dishes, unwashed clothes, and a collection of forty-ounces; not to mention the aroma of smoke. i think he's about 2 years away from being that poor schmuck on the news who they have to specially remove from a house for medical treatment. so, what would you do? i don't live at home and only see my immediate family on the weekends. am i out of line to suggest to my parents that he needs some kind of professional help? they've gotta already kind of realize there's something wrong, since they live with him. if i confront him directly he's going to react as he always has; defensively/violently. i know we're flesh and blood but i don't want to be fighting with some heavy drinking 6'4 insomniac. any suggestions?

[mattbib]

Haunt, yeah, definitely talk to your parents if you think this is more than a phase; at least to get a better handle on what you're dealing with. I work with kids and parents, and I've also been part of an intevention before, so from first hand I can tell you that parents are suprisingly oblivious and/or in denial about their children's self-destructive behavior. So be prepared for resistance on all fronts. It may also be worth talking to any close friends he might have who also could be worried.

[dingo]

If you are worried about a negative reaction from him, perhaps you could try going at it from a sneaky angle.

Maybe you can talk your folks into only having healthy food in the house.
Maybe you can get him to take up a social sport with you. Even something like bowling would be a lot better than nothing.

[frankiedetroit]

You should say something to him, but I know it can be tough.

Some years back I told my younger brother he had to stop smoking and I've given him other unsolicited advice when I saw him heading down a detrimental path. We're really good friends and we talk several times a week though he's back in Detroit and I'm in Brooklyn. It also helps that I'm 7 years older. Never stop bossing around lil' siblings, even once they're bigger than you. (He stopped.) My older sister...I would have a harder time correcting her.

But if your brother dies of this destructive behavior, and you say nothing, that would be much worse than any confrontation.

[Haunt]

Haunt, yeah, definitely talk to your parents if you think this is more than a phase; at least to get a better handle on what you're dealing with. I work with kids and parents, and I've also been part of an intevention before, so from first hand I can tell you that parents are suprisingly oblivious and/or in denial about their children's self-destructive behavior. So be prepared for resistance on all fronts. It may also be worth talking to any close friends he might have who also could be worried.

i don't know any of his friends; just that one died about 2 years ago in Iraq. we were very close when we were younger but went in entirely different directions by the time i was in high school. the last time he spoke to me, he was inebriated and went on and on about the bible, how much he hates people outside of our race, how he no longer dreams, etc. and this is in front of our mother and aunt. i'm hoping he's not schizophrenic or something, because i know that my parents would react badly. like you mentioned, they are big on denial and somewhat against relying on mental health professionals. but i do appreciate all of the advice. i realize that something has to be done. i'm just looking for a tactful way to go about it since i know him to be an extremely defensive/paranoid individual.



You should say something to him, but I know it can be tough.

Some years back I told my younger brother he had to stop smoking and I've given him other unsolicited advice when I saw him heading down a detrimental path. We're really good friends and we talk several times a week though he's back in Detroit and I'm in Brooklyn. It also helps that I'm 7 years older. Never stop bossing around lil' siblings, even once they're bigger than you. (He stopped.) My older sister...I would have a harder time correcting her.

But if your brother dies of this destructive behavior, and you say nothing, that would be much worse than any confrontation.

very true. to all who posted, thank you.


If you are worried about a negative reaction from him, perhaps you could try going at it from a sneaky angle.

Maybe you can talk your folks into only having healthy food in the house.
Maybe you can get him to take up a social sport with you. Even something like bowling would be a lot better than nothing.

it's kind of hard to explain to anyone who hasn't met my family. my mother's a very...passive individual. and my father eats just as poorly as my brother does. he's also a very 'antagonistic' individual. by that i mean he's only on speaking terms with me and that's only because i don't have to live with him. my brother takes swings at him when he attempts any kind of communication. and both of my parents would be more likely to throw him out, rather than think of getting him therapy. besides that, he is getting exercise; sort of. he walks down the street to the convenience store to purchase booze. jeezus this is depressing.

[Winslow]

Haunt, I don't have a whole lot to add to what everyone else has said.

It's rough to see your siblings go through difficult times.

It seems the key to this is helping your parents see the gravity of the situation, and getting them to trust mental health professionals.

Good luck.

. . . . I'm not sure this needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway. Don't take a lack of posts in this thread to mean anything. Most of us probably don't know what to say. It seems you need emotional support more than anything, and that's tough to give over the internet.

[dingo]

This may be a long shot, but perhaps you can find out what else interests him that isn't self destructive, and encourage him to do it by doing it with him.

If he likes cars, get a car to fix up with him, or something.
Try to round out his life with non-destructive behaviour.

Obviously you would know best if that is even an option.

In any case, good luck. I hope for the best.

[cactusmaac]

Speak to him and fake some tears to show how concerned you are. Tell him you don't want to see your brother wasting his life and slowly killing himself.

That tends to work.

[dingo]

Speak to him and fake some tears to show how concerned you are. Tell him you don't want to see your brother wasting his life and slowly killing himself.

That tends to work.

Only if they will care about the fake tears, which if they are too far gone, they may not.

[Lord of Denial]

Sounds like he might have social anxiety disorder which can be a lead in illness for severe depression.

He sounds like he needs help and may even need to be hospitalized so a doctor can monitor his meds and his reaction to them as well as find out what dosage will be most effective for him. Then he will probably need therapy on an ongoing basis to teach him ways to deal with this moods and anger as well as social interaction.

I am not a doctor but it sounds exactly like what I went thru when I was in my late teens. It is an illness of the mind and it can be devastating to him and everyone around him.

Do what you have to do to get him help.

[JDogindy]

I'd try to talk to him first, and if that dosen't work, you should up the ante a bit. How? I'm not sure.

I got a similar (though less severe) tale:

A few years ago, my oldest brother got jumped by a bunch of tough kids. This pretty much shook him up so bad that he was sent to the hospital for a few days. After that, all he did was sleep. He was pratically in shock, and couldn't do anything. Slowly, he did recover, though he still isn't what he used to be before the incident.

And, those kids wanted me...

[Haunt]

Sounds like he might have social anxiety disorder which can be a lead in illness for severe depression.

sounds right but i should also add that, up until graduation, my brother was the head of his fraternity. i've seen him be incredibly social, in the past. by contrast, i'm the socially anxious one. btw, to the earlier posters, i spoke with my mother this morning about it. her response was, "he doesn't need to see a psychiatrist. he needs a job." it's pretty much the reaction i was expecting but i'm hoping that she starts to reconsider; now that i've brought it up. i later mentioned that we all (my dad, mother, brother, and i) start having sort of a weekly "family get-together." after a little more explanation, she seemed ok with it. i decided that we should have a dinner to force everyone to interact. i picked this because the one thing my brother does a lot is cook. i figure that he'll be more in his element if he's responsible for making part of the meal. here's hoping.


I'd try to talk to him first, and if that dosen't work, you should up the ante a bit. How? I'm not sure.

I got a similar (though less severe) tale:

A few years ago, my oldest brother got jumped by a bunch of tough kids. This pretty much shook him up so bad that he was sent to the hospital for a few days. After that, all he did was sleep. He was pratically in shock, and couldn't do anything. Slowly, he did recover, though he still isn't what he used to be before the incident.

And, those kids wanted me...

yeah, that sounds like some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. i know a couple of rape victims who acted like that.



. . . . I'm not sure this needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway. Don't take a lack of posts in this thread to mean anything. Most of us probably don't know what to say. It seems you need emotional support more than anything, and that's tough to give over the internet.

thanks but a lack of posts doesn't bother me. it's awkward already; spreading family business like this. there was a lot of good suggestions in these posts. thank you, everyone.

[Lord of Denial]

sounds right but i should also add that, up until graduation, my brother was the head of his fraternity. i've seen him be incredibly social, in the past. by contrast, i'm the socially anxious one. btw, to the earlier posters, i spoke with my mother this morning about it. her response was, "he doesn't need to see a psychiatrist. he needs a job." it's pretty much the reaction i was expecting but i'm hoping that she starts to reconsider; now that i've brought it up. i later mentioned that we all (my dad, mother, brother, and i) start having sort of a weekly "family get-together." after a little more explanation, she seemed ok with it. i decided that we should have a dinner to force everyone to interact. i picked this because the one thing my brother does a lot is cook. i figure that he'll be more in his element if he's responsible for making part of the meal. here's hoping.



yeah, that sounds like some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. i know a couple of rape victims who acted like that.



thanks but a lack of posts doesn't bother me. it's awkward already; spreading family business like this. there was a lot of good suggestions in these posts. thank you, everyone.



Well being social at on time really does not mean anything. Sometimes it can be brought on by a life changing event or it can be a change in the chemical make-up of ones brain. You said he graduated from college sometime that can scare people about the reality of facing the real world and the daily responsiblites that go with it.

I don't know the situation completely but If he has some sort of mental illness it is not likely he will just break free of it one his own.

With mental illness there is a lot of shame and denial attached to it and the suffer and those around him or her have a hard time seeing that something is wrong or if they do they have a hard time admitting to themselfs.

I think you have and your parents need to see that he needs help and do something about it.