My Friend Might Be Rushing Into Marriage

[Zack]

Okay, about a year ago I whined about how my best friend was kind of being strung along by this girl who said she didn't want a relationship.

About six months later, he was fixed up on a date. He wasn't sure at first, but things got serious pretty quickly. This was oh, around September.

Last week he let me know that he asked her to marry him, and she said yes. Today, I found out that they're setting a date for October.

I feel like this might be a bad decision. Here are my reasons:

-My friend hasn't really dated anyone else EVER. This is definitely his first serious relationship.

-The girl in question is very nice, but she was at the tail end of a divorce when he met her. She only became officially single a month or two ago.

-As mentioned above, they've only been going out about six months.

-My friend doesn't have a permanent job, and is sponging off his parents.

I feel like they should at least shack up first. My other friends are convinced he's out of his damn mind. My parents think I'm just jealous because while I've dated more than him, I haven't had a serious relationship myself.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I feel like I don't have a lot of ground to stand on here.

[Michael P]

Any advice on how to deal with this? I feel like I don't have a lot of ground to stand on here.

Stand back and enjoy the spectacle when it inevitably explodes in their faces?

[Spike-X]

Not a lot you can do, I don't think. Sometimes you just have to step back and let people make their own mistakes.

[Dreadstar]

Not a lot you can do, I don't think. Sometimes you just have to step back and let people make their own mistakes.

Yep. Experience is the best teacher.

HOWEVER!

I will add that if he REALLY *IS* your best friend, TELL HIM what you said in the first post. Sure, you can soften it up a bit, but get the same point across. The thing is, *YOU* don't want to later feel guilty for not having said what you feel.

Then if he says to butt out, raise a glass and toast his impending nuptuals with the best and most sincere wishes.

[stealthwise]

Put ExLax in his coffee.

It probably won't help your situation at all, I just thought that it was a funny idea and have never done it to anyone myself.

Or you could put mushrooms in his soup. Magic mushrooms.

[heystacy]

I find that all I can do when I see a friend possibly heading for trouble is to let then know my opinion, and offer support.

[Crowley]

Don't say anything... it will only blow up in your face. Only say something if he asks you...

Lots of people need starter marriages... some people luck out and things work... but you can never tell.

[taintedlunch]

M.y.o.b........

[TheWraith]

M.y.o.b........

Yep. This person is your friend, yes, but really, this isn't anyone's business but your friend and his betrothed.

[SUPERECWFAN1]

All you gotta do is stand back and let your friend learn. My pal got married pretty quick and seems happy. So just be a friend and be there for support if need be. Who knows.... I mean how many times was June Carter Cash married before she and tamed that wildman Johnny Cash ? :p

[The Xenos]

Put ExLax in his coffee.

It probably won't help your situation at all, I just thought that it was a funny idea and have never done it to anyone myself.

Or you could put mushrooms in his soup. Magic mushrooms.

That was a terrible thing to say. Yet for some reason I can't stop laughing about it.

Sigh. Anyway. Eh. Maybe it is rushing itno things. Or maybe he really is in love. Or maybe not. Still maybe he should stabalize his life first before.. egad.. getting married. Hell, I keep telling myself I should be more indipendant and stable before I even start dating again. And here's this jerk getting married.

[Flamebird]

You know what they say,

"Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread".

Sometimes they get lucky ,too.


At most tell your friend that you're concerned for them, both of them.
But if he's happy then be happy with him. If it doesn't work out,be there for him.

[The Xenos]

That's a good point. Be supportive, but definately voice your concert. You want them both to be happy and healthy, I'm sure, so stress that.

[Matt Doc Martin]

If you are a friend...SPEAK UP!!! I should NEVER have married my ex. But, while I had doubts, I ignored them. My friends had serious doubts and never told me. If they had, I may not have married her.

[Alex Dragon]

Nothing you say to your friend will make any difference. He's basically going to tell you all the cliches like "But I love her..." "you don't know her like I know her..." "It's my life and I know what I'm doing..." "I think it's time for me to settle down..." etc., etc...

Any number of things could be going through his head that he may never admit to you or even understand himself. There might be the thought that this girl is the best he could ever have and he doesn't want to risk losing her. He's probably bought into the thinking that when you meet the "right" person marriage is the next logical step. He may think (like lots of people) that marriage is this magical thing that will make things even better for them than it is now.

The girl, having been recently divorced may have intentionally or unintentionally put out the message that she really wants or needs someone to take her ex's place in her life because she may not like being "alone" or just likes having a man in her life for whatever reason.

Will it go "bad"? Hard to say because it all depends on the people involved. Sure there'll be rough spots but some people seem to be better at going through the rough stuff and putting up with them. I knew a guy who told me his wife cheated on him about 7 times that he knows of and yet he stayed with her...until he found love on the net and packed up moved halfway across the country to move in with her even though he never met her until he got to her place to move in with her.
Another friend (who's one of the nicest guys I know) puts up with a wife who doesn't work, complains about him not making enough money, won't let him watch what he wants to on tv, nags him constantly, makes threats to leave him, gambles his money away at times, rarely has sex with him, and just seems to be a selfish person in general. From the stuff he tells me I see her as a black hole that brings absolutely nothing to the relationship but grief...but I'd bet the farm he'd never leave her because I think he rather put up with all that instaed of risking being alone. The other guy was the same way for the most part. If he didn't meet that girl on ethe net he'd probably still be with his constantly cheating wife.

The point is that if they did get married they might be filling in a void that they each have and no matter how bad it gets they'll tough it out out of fear of creating that void again. Maybe it won't last but neither one is going to listen to anyone telling them it's a "bad" idea. If it doesn't last it really isn't that big a deal other than perhaps learning a lesson. I think most people get married for the wrong reasons all the time anyway that's why divorce is so common these days.

I personally think marriage is one of the most ridiculous contracts people can enter into. But some people seem to make it work and be happy with it while others seem trapped in a life of unneccessary misery from it. In any case, you just have to let people do whatever they think is best for them and keep supporting them in whatever decision they make.